tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-327747372024-02-19T15:35:10.113+08:00The Beauty of MaleA place to appreciate the beauty of male... and more.Ryanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11041400829868136940noreply@blogger.comBlogger292125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32774737.post-45554433916636951782011-06-29T23:53:00.011+08:002011-06-30T00:52:12.506+08:00Old Man Getting OldDad hasn't been feeling well lately. I cannot recall how many times he paid visits to the clinic over the past few months. But it seems like a lot of times. Just over the past two days, he visited the clinic twice. I believe he is having digestion problem which causes him to have bloating stomach. His stomach contains so much gas that he could hardly fall asleep. And yesterday he felt nauseous and dizzy for the whole day. He has no appetite to eat anything. No quality sleep and now no appetite to eat? How could he possibly recover from anything?!<div><br /><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 499px; height: 507px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjw1SLyeq5lxcKOM5aMiv55Q1E8Ceb2PTjSgFb91G_6DjoqM5dZGAxPhcfalI5aIZglpDTZ_A6a_ztu9LBUtNOBkjLKeUtZMTR0nT7CA9v2xYg8-9mxGppVws17q7iEePPILl5-yA/s400/russ+wismer+2.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5623684786742568738" border="0" /><br />My father is old. I am reminded once again when the doctor asked me how old is my father. Sixty-one. Yes, not like ancient old but old enough to be a grandfather if he is ever that lucky. Apparently not. Like I said, watching him being sick is not good. I remember last time when he was sick, he would just take a day off and rest. The next day he will be back to his normal self. Nothing to worry about. But recently, I noticed he needs to take awhile to recover. An obvious sign that he is getting old.</div><div><br /></div><div>And me being the son, I suddenly feel kinda lost. I have no idea how to take care of my dad. While he is being sick, I can just watch and bring him whatever he needs: water, food, medicines etc. Sometime I even feel kinda annoyed and irritated, which followed by guiltiness and shamefulness for being an unfilial son. Now I know how difficult it is to take care of a sick patient. The constant groaning of discomfort is good enough to have you frowned. </div><div><br /><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 495px; height: 618px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiB-NKOf-Hn71EcoZy_4a_iaDB3Ck2qxb_MuhoErg2NGM7rKD4_PKI8Ft-C4zhkwwoD0-VQeC9r_2zSJIXgGJPYlxm-XUIkhmb8Pcxv6-XsXvU5DLWZmLRLwkrfVg3S4BBIfHcokg/s400/217055_121785297898688_100002016550523_156249_7124848_n.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5623682991253537842" border="0" /><br /></div><div>I guess I have got to learn to take care of my parents from now on. They are really getting old. They will definitely need more assistance than they used to. Meanwhile, I will also have to find more ways to keep them as healthy as possible. It's just tormenting to see them fall sick. Right now, I pray earnestly that my dad will recover soon. </div>Ryanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11041400829868136940noreply@blogger.com49tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32774737.post-1819379729259947132011-06-25T16:28:00.011+08:002011-06-25T16:53:09.726+08:00Un(Forgive & Forget)<p style="margin: 0px; font: 16px Helvetica;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';">"Not you again?!"</span></span></p><p style="margin: 0px; font: 16px Helvetica;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"><br /></span></span><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi7OhBSX7e3qCxSA-RuITXemjndTH83SqIY-1ZwuDSscpM6KJJU6rIfaR_VjcbYkrB7omePe3Y5juGds2XQjOU_-hye7TRdbJ1OqK55MHKyg5ZelD_MlBFH8jrOMBhC6BdsjF1MnQ/s1600/206315_123599047717313_100002016550523_166517_7322014_n.jpg" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 532px; height: 405px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi7OhBSX7e3qCxSA-RuITXemjndTH83SqIY-1ZwuDSscpM6KJJU6rIfaR_VjcbYkrB7omePe3Y5juGds2XQjOU_-hye7TRdbJ1OqK55MHKyg5ZelD_MlBFH8jrOMBhC6BdsjF1MnQ/s400/206315_123599047717313_100002016550523_166517_7322014_n.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5622073695465255682" border="0" /></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"><br /></span></span></p><p style="margin: 0px; font: 16px Helvetica;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';">I am actually surprised I can hate someone so much that every time I see this person I could feel the hatred within me so strong that I just want to get this person out of my sight, out of my mind. And being the Facebook addict, I can't help but always (unintentionally) see his face popping up here and there whenever he post something. Of course, I don't simply hate a person. He did hurt me before. Therefore I hate him. Why and how he hurt me? Well, there'll be another story.</span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0px; font: 16px Helvetica; min-height: 19px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"><br /></span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0px; font: 16px Helvetica;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';">Anyway, lately I also realized that not only did I hate him, I also kinda detest those who related to him or befriended him. Yes, I know that's very unfair to those people. And I know I am not supposed to be like that and I hate myself for being like that. But that's just the things I noticed about myself lately. I mean, he is such a badass. Why would anyone befriended him?! So I assumed that those who befriended him are either badasses as well, or, they haven't known his true colour. Oh I am such a mean, evil person, I know!</span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0px; font: 16px Helvetica; min-height: 19px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"><br /></span></span><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgYX7n5lmGLVDBxHydhv7iokXCdlSO0Yg0M2E2SoAK1nxSiIKYBtn_FcrWVHVX_0Fgg5wVtLTYJCRO_MPo-If6ImYCJ_LcyfHchmLLQKEoXJW8zOxAqiBwW3e89NPE_ZMfnx3xMXQ/s1600/199696_119514904792394_100002016550523_142308_4606414_n.jpg" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 465px; height: 697px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgYX7n5lmGLVDBxHydhv7iokXCdlSO0Yg0M2E2SoAK1nxSiIKYBtn_FcrWVHVX_0Fgg5wVtLTYJCRO_MPo-If6ImYCJ_LcyfHchmLLQKEoXJW8zOxAqiBwW3e89NPE_ZMfnx3xMXQ/s400/199696_119514904792394_100002016550523_142308_4606414_n.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5622073695442500386" border="0" /></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"><br /></span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0px; font: 16px Helvetica;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';">Sometime I tell myself maybe I should forgive him and forget what he did to me. Hahaha… I am laughing at myself for writing this sentence. I reckon even if time heals the pain, but the scars will still remain. He will always remind me of the scar which has been imprinted permanently in my heart. I might not feel the pain, nor hate him as much as the time goes by, but time can never erase the memory I have about him. Unless of course, I lost my memory or something like that.</span></span></p> <p style="margin: 0px; font: 16px Helvetica; min-height: 19px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"><br /></span></span></p><p style="text-align: left; margin: 0px; font: 16px Helvetica;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';">As long as I remember, I am sorry to say, I cannot forgive, nor forget. I won't revenge, nor treated him badly. But don't expect me to be nice and friendly to this person. Oh, suddenly I feel like I am the badass!</span></span></p><p style="text-align: left; margin: 0px; font: 16px Helvetica;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"><br /></span></span></p><p style="text-align: left; margin: 0px; font: 16px Helvetica;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"><br /></span></span></p><p style="text-align: center; margin: 0px; font: 16px Helvetica;"><object height="390" width="480"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/yd8wMObmm38?version=3&hl=en_US&rel=0"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/yd8wMObmm38?version=3&hl=en_US&rel=0" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" height="390" width="480"></embed></object><br /></p>Ryanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11041400829868136940noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32774737.post-19277973520076792052011-04-29T08:10:00.001+08:002011-04-29T08:10:00.983+08:00Suck It Up Like A ManI walked into the room, nervously. Not sure if I could handle it. But I told myself everything's gonna be alright. "Come on, this is not my the time.", I told myself.<br /><br /><div><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 521px; height: 654px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiKDjSwY5-K23F3O09nXrllfEQxYv64xKxXMLjFMWuwQGkhDvFFA_st89NnTQzzxflHq7uQDbvQsYUsyULFYMjGI8xKhPr4L4rW3O3q7V5WJMIdh-W1Wc1DJl_EdFu3jL8YiqkiwA/s400/UNDERGEARWINDOWSILL.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5600789893897759218" border="0" /><br /></div><div>I pushed the door open. Everyone was looking at me. They were there earlier. Waiting for someone or something. Obviously my sudden entrance caught their attention. They were staring at me, as if I'm an alien from Mars. For awhile, I felt totally uncomfortable. I took a deep breath, ignoring the stares, and scanning the whole room to look for a spot for me. Getting all the tools I needed, I found an empty space and waited. Oh, the aircond did not cool down the heat they released. Some of them were sweaty, others are looking forward to be sweaty. I am still being watched and examined. "Be confident! You can do it!", I motivated myself.</div><div><br /></div><div>Eventually they looked away, as though they have had enough of me, and started looking for the next prey. Suddenly I've become one of them. Someone entered the room, and we looked, we examined, we stopped, and waited for the next 'victim'. Until the instructor finally came in, started the music and we were all sent to hell, and suffer! </div><div><br /></div><div>"Not too light for this workout! Put more weight!!", yelled the hunky man on the stage. And all of us were so obedient we did what we were told. Surely, we were all willingly to be the slave.</div><div><br /><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 507px; height: 758px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh7pSkj30IeI1pJpZ6cU3xDSz3GcAvY-rPdrlNXVZF5Cjgw4epe3ty_UETxN-RaeuKYqPBd40OmPoCn73tyOd3rClTu4mGRz8HPhHxbiQ2zjUc9ewB4eHbF4-ykKgKLYp5FNmmtYQ/s400/%2521cid_image030_jpg%254001C9E2D9.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5600789885817040482" border="0" /><br /></div><div>"Stay with me! Stay with me! Yeah! You know you want it!", screamed the hunky instructor with music blasting so loud in the room. Sweat dripping down from my head, to my face, to my neck, to my body. Somehow, all of us endured the pain, feeling the muscle harden and harden. Occasionally, we groaned, unsure if it's due to the pain or the ecstasy. The temperature never stop rising!</div><div><br /></div><div>"Yeah! Feel the pain! Take it slow! Hold it there! One more! One more! You're almost there!"</div><div><br /></div><div>Carrying the weight, I need to keep my mind away from the excruciating pain that constantly persuading me to give up. But no, I must not give up. I gotta be a hot man by 30 years old, a pledge that I've made to myself. I'm already here. It's a matter of win or lose. And I must win. </div><div><br /></div><div>And so I focus on the screaming of the instructor. Not only that, watching every inches of his muscle flex does help to keep my mind away from the pain. His intermittent flirtatious wink and smile (though not to me) did somehow help to get me through each challenging workout. Luckily I wasn't turn on enough to have a big bulge between my legs.</div><div><br /></div><div>"Good Job! That's a great workout!"</div><div><br /></div><div>At the end of the class, we can feel every group of our muscle are screaming in ecstasy. Can almost feel they are begging for more! And for today, my triceps are loving the extra weight I added. I could feel the satisfaction. Imagining the pain is making the muscle growing and growing. Ah, suddenly the pain doesn't matter anymore! </div><div><br /><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 437px; height: 613px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgUcADgcgKusELtgmV9rOCIj-3H0eSjxE3f6c-k217fhuhtRpS4hfHv0HFDXRn00tohUw6HiOgJme8zOJCzogGqEKUrFSl9O9kR3tCMbXLqqI_r-P0gwMGSKb6c-lmuAPISpaqR6Q/s400/UNDERGEARWETALBERTB%2526W.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5600789880913285554" border="0" /><br /></div><div>Touching every muscles I have worked on today, I could feel the heat from them. And I know, the pain is worthwhile. Like they all say, no pain no gain. If you want to be hot, you've gotta suck the pain up like a man!</div>Ryanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11041400829868136940noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32774737.post-52248712494062129182011-04-22T21:24:00.007+08:002011-04-23T00:47:54.166+08:00He's Just Not That Into YouNo, I wasn't gonna talk about that book. Nor about the movie. Though I did watch half of the movie. Yes first half of the movie. Why? It was because I watched the movie late at night. And then I felt really sleepy. So I stopped watching and never continue since then.<div><br /><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 418px; height: 589px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi1pA3zGxfzIFVZAOSISlfdHvbAD-l2BDgOECmhDjv0wRsYwWUfP_UtzU6AGMcOzBcbUE825-r525FqvaHa9p_ltey_4SR7OuMd-0NBS4FcsiZAxnaDspkaFv9N07M2nO6D8LgWCw/s400/197467_120172041393347_100002016550523_146408_1359794_n.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5598412018801599922" border="0" /><br /></div><div>Anyway, I guess I had just tasted the bitterness of "he's just not that into you". Well, the thing is I know this guy through Facebook. He has quite a good look though he is not that hunky. We exchanged a few messages and he kept complimenting how cute I was and stuff like that. Being flattered, I told him he is good-looking too (as he really is). And finally I asked if he wanna hang out sometime. He said :"Sure. But no contact how to hang out." So I gave him my number and requested him to send me an SMS with his name in it so I can have his contact too. </div><div><br /></div><div>I waited. And waited. Anticipating a response from him. After a day, I never received the SMS, nor a reply in Facebook message. I got frustrated. And keep asking myself :"Should I send him another message? Will I sound desperate?" Or maybe he was busy. Maybe he didn't check his Facebook inbox. Maybe he sent the SMS to the wrong number? I double-checked the number I sent to him. It's the correct number. Then why isn't he sent me the SMS? Why didn't he response? </div><div><br /></div><div>And my anxiousness suddenly reminded me of the movie I watched the other day - He's Just Not That Into You. Yeah, the lady waited for a few days for the sweet-talker to return the call. But he never did. Poor that lady. And now that happened to me. Oh, you know what, that sucks! However, I guess that's part of the game, right?! Like it or not, you won't always get the guy you like. </div><div><br /><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 533px; height: 399px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh6uSBP7v1mHK9kuGf6YSxwlXWwBh2dBljNzyGHAxKyh4Va-rW-rDzVxwYYBK5J1KDFWoxLZ-Bk5bwbGS5P5MpKVCfO2mbyD8PPUKMIeVu8C-uIdzRLT4GGqicJWngb520TsLx98Q/s400/196759_115448735199011_100002016550523_115702_4215053_n.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5598412227696129442" border="0" /><br /></div><div>Guess I have to, again, move on.</div>Ryanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11041400829868136940noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32774737.post-63118650372156307322011-04-13T22:51:00.001+08:002011-04-23T00:49:01.245+08:00The Annoying IndecisivenessDid you ever have this moment where you really do not know what you really want to do? There are many options and choices for you to choose over but you just couldn't pick one and really do it. Well, I believe many people have that kind of situation. But it seems like recently, that happened to me, a lot. As a matter of fact, I don't like it.<div><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEifWcbgWHorC3ZiLykfz4yJcgAIubf56EMgQkBO8EIahd3WaQ8edUB4Fr4s5BGYM3qFGPquDV8Gs1pks5DeNFcKK7yZPnqQA4lPuVcB1UGxlhmfTtnRGInySyex8XI9NEAyq2t-nA/s1600/3g.jpg"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 416px; height: 623px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEifWcbgWHorC3ZiLykfz4yJcgAIubf56EMgQkBO8EIahd3WaQ8edUB4Fr4s5BGYM3qFGPquDV8Gs1pks5DeNFcKK7yZPnqQA4lPuVcB1UGxlhmfTtnRGInySyex8XI9NEAyq2t-nA/s400/3g.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5595079875159805714" border="0" /></a><br /></div><div>Take a weekend afternoon for an example. </div><div><br /></div><div>I was like, hmm..., maybe I could make myself a cup of tea and read the magazine. That sounds very enjoyable. And then another thought interrupted: How about playing the piano? I have a few pieces to practice and now seems like a good time. While busy choosing between the two options, I was busy facebook-ing, browsing the latest "news-feed" busy-bodying over people's interesting (or matter-of-factly uninteresting) life or comment or post. And then another idea pop in: maybe I should watch a movie. I have a few movies that I have yet to watch, such as The King's Speech, The Black Swan, Burlesque and so on. And then another inner voice of me suddenly objected and said :"Watching a movie will simply kill few hours of time. You should do something more meaningful and valuable for that few hours." OK, what am I suppose to do which are meaningful and valuable? Cleaning my own bedroom? Oh, help mom sweep the floor? Oh, weekend is suppose to relax and enjoy yourself. Maybe I should just catch up with my drama series. But I have so many series. Which one should I choose? Again, while my head is busy choosing which drama to watch, facebook kept updating me with my friends' "latest news" I eventually forgot that I should pick one drama series and watch. At the end, I did nothing. The only thing I remember I was doing is busy deciding what to do (which happened only in my head) while busy facebook-ing.</div><div><br /></div><div>Referring to the dictionary, indecisive means (of a person) not having or showing the ability to make decisions quickly and effectively. Oh yes, that's so me in that case! </div><div><br /></div><div>How come?! Since when I become such an indecisive person and basically wasted the whole afternoon just like that. I could've done something more satisfying. Gosh, even watching a movie could be satisfying. A good movie, I mean. At least a good movie can be inspiring, entertaining or touching. Better than me busy deciding and in the end, nothing. Vain. Void. Urgh, the unproductiveness, the unfruitfulness, and the emptiness are so frustrating that they could be a pain in the ass. (Oops, how come it sounds a bit <i>salah</i> (wrong) here?!)</div><div><br /></div><div>In fact, I noticed not only me having this problem. For example, during lunch time, my colleagues and I always have problem choosing where to eat and what to eat. Same goes with dinner, family members always having trouble deciding where to dine. </div><div><br /></div><div>Is it because we have too many options or choices, and that requires a lot of our efforts to choose, to weigh the values for each option, to filter those bad choices, and to re-evaluate all the remaining options we have and choose again. The process of choosing can be so daunting and tedious that we eventually give up and walk away. Leaving things where they are, hoping everything will turn out right. Yes, we walk away and hope for someone who will eventually make a decision, or something will happen and leave us no choice but to choose that option, or just simply ignore it as it's not life-threatening anyway.</div><div><br /></div><div>I started to think why am I having problem choosing or selecting something?</div><div><br /></div><div>I think ultimately, I'm just afraid to choose because I don't have the courage to bear the consequences. What if the decision I make is wrong? If the decision is wrong, will I be able to make it right? Will I be able to face the consequences? </div><div><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi3nYyuHQpxhUJZzSKcn1Nib0Lxs7ThSowTfTgqa_L5vBCABdLBgEBPqysqam8mZV5hnYjxbBvGv7scIHY7qwkLEPw5b3tHh4VNToWlNhulEyvEMzZ9ii1BE56JC-jZ3iIwuc1MLw/s1600/19g.jpg"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 420px; height: 626px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi3nYyuHQpxhUJZzSKcn1Nib0Lxs7ThSowTfTgqa_L5vBCABdLBgEBPqysqam8mZV5hnYjxbBvGv7scIHY7qwkLEPw5b3tHh4VNToWlNhulEyvEMzZ9ii1BE56JC-jZ3iIwuc1MLw/s400/19g.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5595079880690318626" border="0" /></a><br /></div><div>Oh yes, life can be harsh some times and the last thing you want to do is get yourself hurt again. So I'm always careful. So careful that sometime I think doing nothing is the best I could do. Having said that, when come to decision making, I've always consider whether or not I would be hurt, whether or not I will be happy and feel comfortable with it, whether or not I have the ability to deal with whatever that are coming after that. If I doubt it, automatically, I stop making decision. Put it on hold. KIV. Unfortunately, it seems like I am putting everything on hold and KIV that I ended up deciding nothing. Hence, doing nothing but procrastinating. It's pathetic, I know!</div><div><br /></div><div>Perhaps having no choice would be easier. That way, I think I will be much more productive. I remember during school time, I could finish a lot of home-works assigned by the teacher. I'm still amazed by how I could finish all the exercises for so many subjects that we learnt in school. Oh yes, everyone has no choice but to finish them all and submit the next day to be marked by the teacher. Wait a minute, there's choice, either do your home-works or being punished in front of all your classmates by the teacher the next day. But most of us would not choose the latter.</div><div><br /></div><div>Maybe I shouldn't be too hard on myself. Just simply choose anything and just fucking do it. Yeah, just fucking do it and stick to it until I finish it. I think some time I worried too much and I ended up doing nothing. Yeah, like the weekend afternoon, I should've just pick one choice and stick to it and finished it. Let's say I choose to play piano, I should just don't care about other option and fucking play for at least 2 hours until I got my hands exhausted. Then I can stop and choose another one, say read magazine. I should just throw all the other available options behind my head and just fucking enjoy reading the magazine. After all, it's just to spend a weekend afternoon. Not like making life-changing decision. Guess I've made everything looks difficult and complicated. </div><div><br /></div><div>Of course, when dealing with life-changing issues, I should be more serious in making the right decision. But I guess for small matter, when there are too many options, just simply choose one and do it. Stick to it and finish it. If it turns out bad, just learn from the mistake and don't do it anymore. Yeah, if you like it, you know you'll do it again and again. That's part of the learning process when we live our life, right?! I think so.</div><div><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjNUFb2dXYUhUaBMrW4yhGYJtNx0wkgJai30Sp3W5nQAXGlEpUEJNk8NmlcIfhl5I8h_RPoZyIEnov_LKhZxQsLju-U-yJkKqKEzkz2OQef-eHNBKPaC1H-YTCmoWx8Xys2cioxMw/s1600/1056a.jpg"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 551px; height: 368px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjNUFb2dXYUhUaBMrW4yhGYJtNx0wkgJai30Sp3W5nQAXGlEpUEJNk8NmlcIfhl5I8h_RPoZyIEnov_LKhZxQsLju-U-yJkKqKEzkz2OQef-eHNBKPaC1H-YTCmoWx8Xys2cioxMw/s400/1056a.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5595079881925812562" border="0" /></a><br /></div><div>Oh crap, just another rambling post! At least I stick to it and fucking finish writing this. </div>Ryanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11041400829868136940noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32774737.post-32433043177472340312011-04-02T02:00:00.002+08:002011-04-23T00:50:05.243+08:00Sometimes It Hurts Instead<div>They said in order to kill the pain, first you have to acknowledge the pain and make peace with it. So I am acknowledging it now by writing it down. Guess this is probably one of the most difficult entry I made for this blog. I could feel as if my heart is bleeding while I am typing this. Once in a while I'll put my hand on the chest, hoping the warmth of my hand would somehow provide the comfort I needed for myself. And I take a deep breath, trying to forget everything that was so sweet that it hurts even more now.</div><div><br /></div><div>I wanted to forget the first day I met him.</div><div>I wanted to forget his shyness and sweet sweet smile.</div><div>I wanted to forget the warmth I felt when he was sitting next to me.</div><div>I wanted to forget the words that he had said to me.</div><div>I wanted to forget every other nights talking and laughing with him over the phone.</div><div>I wanted to forget the text messages and greetings he sent to me.</div><div>I wanted to forget every other things that he said and done...</div><div><br /></div><div>But, </div><div>Only to find myself remembering them all over again.</div><div><br /></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(0, 0, 238);"><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjxdV3mVTFr2gdCPk8PCrFEx0UsAKgvL0ZL6lu78IiEYa4s7faTFPnsymyPiL1Yqj0hHGQuCshsaUkJ_xDXmDVxIuOwTo-okksXfYTkjzuJK47mFtyu_qCotqjsdO3KmAU2vNUr7g/s400/06_thedistance_exterface.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5590668095207837058" style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 473px; height: 360px;" border="0" /></span><div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(0, 0, 238);"><br /></span></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(0, 0, 238);"></span><div>No, we weren't lovers. We were two individuals searching for someone to love. And we thought there's a possibility between us. And so we tried. Somehow, things didn't work out. Love is gone, pain and sorrow seep in, at least that's what happened for me.</div><div><br /></div><div>And so I started to hate. </div><div><br /></div><div>I hate the fact that I didn't know how he really felt when we were trying to be together.</div><div>I hate the fact that I was given the cold shoulder instead of talking things out or be honest with me when he gave up on us.</div><div>I hate the fact that I was declined to meet face to face to have the one last talk.</div><div>I hate the fact that I was treated like a stranger every time we meet again though we said we will be friends.</div><div>I hate the fact that I have to see him again some time.</div><div>And so I hate...</div><div><br /></div><div>Just when I barely recover from this heart-break, he has to bring another huge news: He found somebody new and everyone knows it!</div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(0, 0, 238);"><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh-K0Gk3PAY4nfHN-lHRrsBvMQTVVGRj-h8IwzCJB2jcirGp-2bGI8ziEIxvPavFryZYQThACKoYR4bK5kYrsItHqu9VhsTkEY-mgWJ1eYXkHo-9HupsgOepcFtgdovqLusJvNDQA/s400/philip-fusco1.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5590668090089648370" style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 505px; height: 378px;" border="0" /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(0, 0, 238);"><br /></span></div><div>No, I am not blaming him for finding someone new. He has every right to do so. But I hate the fact that he did not manage to keep it to himself (or themselves) but made such a big-entry and made everyone raises their eye-brows, which eventually put me into a very awkward situation. When everyone asking and teasing him about his new-found love, what am I suppose to do? How am I supposed to feel? How am I suppose to react?</div><div><br /></div><div>Oh I smiled. Yes, I smiled. When everybody interrogating him about his new love, I smiled. And I turned to somewhere else trying to hide my pain. I could feel the heat all over my face and it was in red. I could also feel the barely-recovered-wound being cut open again. And It hurts every time my heart beats. Oh how my heart bleeds! The hurt and pain was so great that I almost felt suffocated. And yet, I tried to smile, laugh even. No tear. No cry. I fucking smiled. And then, I felt numb. I remember that day I was driving home after that, listening to Adele's album, wanting to cry, but there's no tears. That feeling was miserable!</div><div><br /></div><div>Luckily, everybody there doesn't seem to know our past. Everybody thought we were just friends. Things would have been worse if everyone knew we were trying to be together.</div><div><br /></div><div>Love has once again break my heart. </div><div>Love has once again bring me disappointment and despair.</div><div>Love has once again throw me into the deep darken valley of sorrow.</div><div>Love has once again bring me down...</div><div><br /></div><div>Having nobody to talk to nor find comforts in... that sucks! I am so amazed by how cold and harsh the world can be that it always have a way to break you and make you fall.</div><div><br /></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(0, 0, 238);"><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhh4YK_GME26nqsODhyqqs7fL5snVr9hxD1eaMeabQ-3TykuKXPLlDc9HKP0tSwiaeS6GWbLEHRroi7q03GZtayUVlzB10SaEC16-XhT7ACK33kArNfISbYTTZHd5J5mgvUEkv6hw/s400/83968423MA26721140-0012.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5590669032713818578" style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 533px; height: 533px;" border="0" /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(0, 0, 238);"><br /></span></div><div>And so I allowed myself to dwell in the hurt and pain for the past few days. Remembering or thinking about all the "glory days" and "could have" and "what ifs". Before I fall into deep depression, I guess now it's time to take a step back, take a deep breath and stand up again. Consider this a lesson learnt. </div><div><br /></div><div>I've learnt that I should keep an open mind for any relationship.</div><div>I've learnt that it's better to start from being friends first, instead of rushing into anything further.</div><div>I've learnt that sometime feelings need to be expressed and conveyed clearly.</div><div>I've learnt that sometime heart-to-heart, face-to-face talk is crucial.</div><div>I've learnt that I cannot be too submissive. </div><div>I've learnt that I must know myself better, in order to be better and better.</div><div><br /></div><div>For that, I am thankful for the lesson and the experience. Though it still hurts, I strongly believe time will ease the pain. No, I don't hate him anymore. He's just another soul looking for love like I do. Like one of my friend said:"In any relationship, someone will get hurt.". Guess I am the unlucky one then. </div><div><br /></div><div>Casting away all the fears and pain, letting go all the sadness and sorrow, I am gonna get over it and move on. Believing that tomorrow is a brighter and better day. I shall be strong. Please, keep me strong. </div><div><br /></div><div>The following song is the song I keep listening and singing for the past few days. This song somehow manages to describe how I feel at this moment of my life. Beautiful song, really.</div><div><br /></div><iframe title="YouTube video player" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/OZtUjFJvYkA" allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="385" width="640"></iframe></div><br /><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><i>I heard that you're settled down,<br />That you found a girl and you're married now,<br />I heard that your dreams came true,<br />Guess she gave you things I didn't give to you,<br />Old friend, why are you so shy?<br />Ain't like you to hold back or hide from the light,<br /><br />I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited,<br />But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it,<br />I had hoped you'd see my face,<br />And that you'd be reminded that for me it isn't over,<br /><br />Nevermind, I'll find someone like you,<br />I wish nothing but the best for you, too,<br />Don't forget me, I beg,<br />I remember you said,<br />"Sometimes it lasts in love,<br />But sometimes it hurts instead,"<br />Sometimes it lasts in love,<br />But sometimes it hurts instead, yeah,<br /><br />You know how the time flies,<br />Only yesterday was the time of our lives,<br />We were born and raised in a summer haze,<br />Bound by the surprise of our glory days,<br /><br />I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited,<br />But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it,<br />I had hoped you'd see my face,<br />And that you'd be reminded that for me it isn't over,<br /><br />Nevermind, I'll find someone like you,<br />I wish nothing but the best for you, too,<br />Don't forget me, I beg,<br />I remember you said,<br />"Sometimes it lasts in love,<br />But sometimes it hurts instead,"<br /><br />Nothing compares,<br />No worries or cares,<br />Regrets and mistakes, they're memories made,<br />Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?<br /><br />Nevermind, I'll find someone like you,<br />I wish nothing but the best for you,<br />Don't forget me, I beg,<br />I remember you said,<br />"Sometimes it lasts in love,<br />But sometimes it hurts instead,"<br /><br />Nevermind, I'll find someone like you,<br />I wish nothing but the best for you, too,<br />Don't forget me, I beg,<br />I remember you said,<br />"Sometimes it lasts in love,<br />But sometimes it hurts instead,"<br />Sometimes it lasts in love,<br />But sometimes it hurts instead.</i></span>Ryanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11041400829868136940noreply@blogger.com16tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32774737.post-23443472030544399512011-01-21T00:07:00.001+08:002011-01-21T00:09:52.123+08:00It's hard for me to say... Hi?I didn't even have the gut to say Hi! What's wrong with me? I hate myself.<br />
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<img style="display:block; margin-left:auto; margin-right:auto;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh8vMYTPi75S4suX3G4L5yNkacyLsmiWDVfuz6xbfwCoLh2HEu9iBN9uT5HCWIPNeZnV6iB57ukJk4YV3k88LglGU0uEBFank7aGgIHSjlT57_mpC0-YtzsPY0o2kjj61PTGULxng/?imgmax=800" alt="1.jpg" title="1.jpg" border="0" width="459" height="600" /><br />
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I think I am beginning to lose my people skill and slowly become anti social. I blame my job which requires me to work in office/home without the need to meet client or attend meeting regularly. Gradually, my people skill start to deteriorate and I can't even say Hi to a not-so-complete stranger. Yes, it is that serious!<br />
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Well, you see! I was at the gym as usual to attend my favourite gym class. Well there are reasons to why I call it my 'favourite' class. Part of it is of course, I love to dance. I am easily attracted to exercising which requires me to shake my bon bon and do some sexy moves. Another reason, is because the instructor is cute. Oh yay! So cute! <br />
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<img style="display:block; margin-left:auto; margin-right:auto;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEijvSj2G4H4wiNHMNeXn9utHgfmrGHyPhONRMaVZCQUoy0-ti_mH35EBANGq89Hk2-XpCbqbp-s_BVdDFw2lM9Sk8ieq7adkw1TzAoXLdokrJnzTbFluzBKc9m06KRp1jRvcWDBKw/?imgmax=800" alt="1641.jpg" title="1641.jpg" border="0" width="600" height="397" /><br />
I forgot since when I know him. When I say know, in this case, I mean I know his existence. We're not friends (yet) and we've never talked before. But I can vividly remember it was about 3 to 4 years ago. Met him at the gym of course, he was teaching hip hop class I guess. And I was a fresh graduate who just got a gym membership trying to get use to the gym classes. So I attended his class a few times. But due to work and all, I rarely go gym that time. By the time I finished work, normally it's too late or I felt tired. So I wasted a lot on my gym membership then. Hahaha...<br />
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Anyway, I changed job and the fitness centre I joined opened a new branch near my house. I got to go to the gym more often nowadays. And what make things better is that my favourite instructor is conducting classes regularly there too. Expectedly, I try to attend his class as frequent as I can.<br />
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<img style="display:block; margin-left:auto; margin-right:auto;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhnSxS4na4avncT__UJtkF-vBBXiiZoLscEU01f22x6EbY9YzUEwkaPpMIQ4GfLU6UAqLIA5k7ZkNKhK5GngFJ2LzltE4uSNhQtcwQgoTW8scFCVXMGpFoZq-D9LWc7ynAD7R6Y-A/?imgmax=800" alt="1eyes1.jpg" title="1eyes1.jpg" border="0" width="600" height="450" /><br />
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One day after finishing his class I went to the changing room to take shower and change. After taking shower, I went back to my locker, trying to put on my clothes. Then he, the cute instructor, walked towards me. I could feel my heart was racing. "Why is he walking towards me? He recognized me?" I kept asking stupid questions. He stopped besides me and unlock his locker. Oh, then I realized his locker was just beside me. <br />
<br />
Minding my own business (putting on my clothes that was), I kept asking myself what should I do? Should I say Hi? Or should I not? What should I say? Hi? Hello? Or just smile? Or what? While busy figuring out the answers to my stupid questions, my eyes could not stop peeping at the cute instructor who was changing beside me. Of course I did not stare at him like a pervert. But yes, I did take a peek at his well-shaped body! I mean, come on, cute guy with a great body, who doesn't want a look (or appreciated)?<br />
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<img style="display:block; margin-left:auto; margin-right:auto;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiAv_yvsUxoTUm9EkmqgWOeloCUDlxCEz66Xa1ckwJPIRJ0X36zspBfuUPzEb9Ri1Kbne48YLIxBKAbNGbYZt2EQzSZVEBnxF3XDwv4HzWRGZoXTF284TOWfgxved0w2o_dpNFVrg/?imgmax=800" alt="A&FITALIANSTALLIONMA26139485-0174.jpg" title="A&FITALIANSTALLIONMA26139485-0174.jpg" border="0" width="600" height="447" /><br />
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I didn't know what I was doing (luckily no drooling) and by the time I came back to my senses, I had already put on my clothes, packed up my gym bag and unwilling stepped away and got out of the changing room. Urgh, I hate myself. Then I told myself, next time if I got the chance, I should say Hi!<br />
<br />
And the opportunity came again the following week, I was trying to made up my hair when he suddenly came out of nowhere and took up the hair-dryer beside me to dry his hair. I was so shocked and panicked that I quickly got my hair done, packed up my gym bag and stepped out of the changing room as if I saw an alien. I immediately regretted after that. <br />
<br />
Seriously, he is just a cute instructor who I was trying to befriend with and yet I can be so freaking shy and panicked that I cannot keep my cool and act normal. I can already imagine when I see a cute hot guy and/or a potential boyfriend kinda guy, I think I would run away or jump into the sea before they could approach me.<br />
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<img style="display:block; margin-left:auto; margin-right:auto;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEghImyFSQZ8XxGKDZDyjo9NMvPU2GfLJTjRsf8iv6WDAhBTOebtgVjfjZfwwoyPU1K4glUimoGJYGun9PGHF9_YI-cKqL5krxtkbASaBHhvtKzIG1O3CsUMoWFn2O6XbhobaNIZbA/?imgmax=800" alt="Chase (19).jpg" title="Chase (19).jpg" border="0" width="600" height="399" /><br />
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And you ask me why I am still single?
Ryanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11041400829868136940noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32774737.post-41708826498375521462011-01-10T00:52:00.002+08:002011-01-10T01:01:32.169+08:00My Kind of Midlife CrisisStill remember I posted a status message on Facebook that read something like this :"Mid-life crisis?!"<div><br /><img style="display:block; margin-left:auto; margin-right:auto;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgoN5O1WG1gpQ7zsZFaXlsoifot9eUtpgwdioOCahnEJgWAYH7_XMgleexlHHAoTmlIDwHzhxaId9FnAuGSD00B4Nt0FMi7j1JW0CsuLv639NLGUibyLs56A-A4LpiXhXXePcJFZA/?imgmax=800" alt="1258d.jpg" title="1258d.jpg" border="0" width="502" height="600" /><br /></div><div>Yes it was a question mark. Because I am not so sure. What is midlife crisis actually? Where you are getting old and have lotsa problems? Problems like struggling to take care of your parents whose health are obviously deteriorating and also the children who are growing faster than you thought and all the troubles they would bring. And yet, you find yourself pathetically struggling with your own life with your own problems without much achievement to prove yourself your are doing fine.<div><br /></div><div>Oh well, if that is midlife crisis, then yes I would say I am almost there. Of course, being gay and still single, I don't have any children to worry over (which probably save me from most of the troubles already, as you would think). But unfortunately, not having children does give you some other troubles. The pressure from relatives and friends asking where is "the other half"? I could not always give the same answer like "still haven't found the right one", as they would enthusiastically introduce some fair maiden to match you up with. Luckily I have not come into those situation yet. But of course a lot of friends really offer me that kind of "match making service" which I kindly (some not very kindly) declined.</div><div><br /><img style="display:block; margin-left:auto; margin-right:auto;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgyAChi9uJaqp5mcLpQ_CILRPmAsAs_WEPgK0vV4x7dcMEEZ99tGm5_WNNQFxUBjBrPq2Lgh9dlWXCf9sj7MK4Wjjn8EVGxhKBEN9ovd_WRj_4lQzkuZi3G420cIBr_hdemBbZDaA/?imgmax=800" alt="Dean-03.jpg" title="Dean-03.jpg" border="0" width="428" height="600" /><br /></div><div>Of course that's not all. Since I am not dating, oh hold on, there's nothing to do with me dating or not. Because if I were to date someone, I think I couldn't let my parents nor my family know (as long as I am still hiding in the closet). Anyway, since I am not dating, I somehow ended up being the guardian angel of the parents. The duty of taking care of my parents fall heavily on my shoulder. Not that my siblings don't take care of them, but they could easily get away with reasons like "I need to go accompany my girlfriend" or "I need to go shopping with the hubby" and off they go. Not that I can't do the same, but being with my parents most of the time, I saw the sadness in their eyes when they know that their children couldn't spend some times to be with them. </div><div><br /></div><div>So, being the single one, I have got to accompany them and keep them happy. And with my parents getting old, I can only see things are gonna be more difficult. For example, recently my mom accidentally slipped and fell down on the floor and hurt her right arms. She couldn't do most of her daily house chores as she is right-handed person. Being the one who work from home, I have to witness daily how she struggled to use her left arm instead to do all the work. Sometime she forgot and she use her right arm which make her feel apain. Even though now her right arms is getting better now, she will still feel a little sore when she use her right arms to do heavy work or carry heavy thing. Then my father has got his own health problem also which I am way too lazy to type and explain it here. Anyway, the parents are getting old and they need more assistance in doing everything.</div><div><br /><img style="display:block; margin-left:auto; margin-right:auto;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiOumE_xn5w7NvEnjsMTlrPMWtuUjR7tVfQ-ltdU5FBAeE_iO4THOOBR0lS5ehZ-43a-sK-u4FWbWz0CRD2aBB9PcFWKCIEm-qoYO_5M9uxHSsiHYEp2IFzvi7vafpEZqSCuJsb0w/?imgmax=800" alt="DSC_0148.jpg" title="DSC_0148.jpg" border="0" width="600" height="399" /><br /></div><div>Enough about parents. Look at myself, so what have I achieved so far? Thankfully I still got a job with steady income. Got a car which I still need to pay up the monthly installment for the next few years. Basically I still have the basic necessity. But having friends invite me over to their wedding dinner or house warming doesn't help seriously.</div><div><br /></div><div>I can't recall exactly how many wedding dinner I have attended in year 2010. I am sure they are more than 6! Not that I hate people getting married or what, I am happy for those friends who finally found their true love and step into the next stage of their life. But it is taxing when a few wedding dinner happened in the same month. Just in December 2010, I have 4 wedding invitations! It doesn't help when you were seated on a table with all of them are couples. "Oh you come alone? Didn't bring your girlfriend or wife? Oh you're still single? How come?" I normally just smiled. Little did they know that those questions are like knives stabbing in my heart. As if being gay is easy. Oh please don't make me go touch that topic.</div><div><br /><img style="display:block; margin-left:auto; margin-right:auto;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg78M2qCkoqgvJzzn3mDS94UGEXbcWIb5hwC8mi9sm-PqqUwEwnG_y8qilmnSkm1RQtDOG7Chnw17KrcBFk5m8-yDa1-ENiDhPb8GrmefpOawRE-hS8QKCPvdDLfoWghLxKHUWGQA/?imgmax=800" alt="IHMShadow48.jpg" title="IHMShadow48.jpg" border="0" width="399" height="600" /><br /></div><div>And lately I was invited to attend some friend's house warming too. Oh the landed property, the designer-designed studio suite, good enough to question myself why am I still staying under the same roof with my parents! People works so many years and they finally get their own house. Me? Just a car. Perhaps I should not compare myself with others. But looking at the joy of them having their own sanctuary make me envy them a lot. Like A LOT! </div><div><br /></div><div>Oh well, everyone has their own problems. Just need to be optimistic and get those problem resolved one by one. I don't know what lies ahead for me in year 2011. I hope it's a good year. At least I got myself a great gift for the new year - MacBook Pro! And this entry is written using my new toy. Expect more entries on my blog this year.</div><div><br /> <img style="display:block; margin-left:auto; margin-right:auto;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhy9IMzSuQvidagjsV_Dh-FhfyvXnHhvBkD3Pbfjmrd-OqzwwWr6R_6IYj38G4jz-GIRwDAjX1hOusJeoK9NnzBb6iqqo_7A3yG2XwECqV4ilQU8pL7Kqz78IZ_Rka0wGUl8XGHYg/?imgmax=800" alt="steven merrett.jpg" title="steven merrett.jpg" border="0" width="600" height="400" /><br /></div><div>Happy New Year 2011 everyone!</div></div>Ryanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11041400829868136940noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32774737.post-23086086299675281382010-08-24T23:34:00.005+08:002010-08-25T00:58:36.948+08:00Languishing<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">This is definitely one of those days that I could easily break down and cry for all the reasons I need to cry over. Knowing the fact that "Life can be a pain at the ass, so deal with it!", surprisingly I managed to not shed a tear, maybe not yet.</span><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi17YPGD3sC7PQD_7lPGhcQ-HG0Dhgs1nnbAqlXftfndAhOOG8b1r8_6syPJYk6iaHWAWtDoJfcdiOB7GElgcpZ0lQ7Ewu1RgNFHTYb2JTu4o_jEKjCz3YLEUvYus0v4rPRvQXOLw/s1600/1740.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 563px; height: 576px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi17YPGD3sC7PQD_7lPGhcQ-HG0Dhgs1nnbAqlXftfndAhOOG8b1r8_6syPJYk6iaHWAWtDoJfcdiOB7GElgcpZ0lQ7Ewu1RgNFHTYb2JTu4o_jEKjCz3YLEUvYus0v4rPRvQXOLw/s400/1740.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5509021593344270866" /></a><br /><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15.9722px; ">I was being 'hit' so hard that for one moment I felt numb and don't know how to react nor response. It's like being hit by a car when you least expected it and you lost all your senses. Yeah, I actually felt that way. Until I finally got back my senses, the pain was terribly hurting.</span><br /><div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">At time like this, I felt tired. Exhausted. It's like the whole world is tumbling down and I couldn't fucking give a damn anymore. </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">Apparently I am not good enough. I don't know how. Seriously, I really don't know how. After all these years, I thought I've been doing ok. Little did I know that I can be hated so badly that I almost doubted everything good about myself. And, I really don't know how. </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">Oh well, no one is perfect. I have my weaknesses and many areas to improve. I gotta keep trying to be better.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">Somehow, I find comfort in the following song. Let me be emotional... at least for now...</span></div><div><br /></div><object width="640" height="385"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/mSX61frKaxk?fs=1&hl=en_US"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/mSX61frKaxk?fs=1&hl=en_US" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="640" height="385"></embed></object><div><br /></div><div><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">If you could only see that I was not put here for you</span></i></div><div><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">To judge me and dispute my in most truth</span></i></div><div><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">And after all these years of enmity, envy and tears</span></i></div><div><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">It's a shame you don't know me at all</span></i></div><div><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></i></div><div><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">I was wondering</span></i></div><div><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Would you cry for me</span></i></div><div><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">If I told you that I couldn't breath</span></i></div><div><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">If I was drowning, suffocating</span></i></div><div><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">If I told you that I couldn't breath</span></i></div><div><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></i></div><div><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Those ageless buried recollections</span></i></div><div><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">We transform them and select them</span></i></div><div><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">You have yours, I have mine, that's fine</span></i></div><div><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></i></div><div><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Why are we too torn to heal</span></i></div><div><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Our stitches never disappear</span></i></div><div><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">I have mine, you have yours, I'm sure</span></i></div><div><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></i></div><div><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">I was wondering</span></i></div><div><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Would you reach for me</span></i></div><div><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">If you saw that I was languishing</span></i></div><div><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></i></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" ;font-size:15.9722px;"><div><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">I was wondering</span></i></div><div><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Would you cry for me</span></i></div><div><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">If I told you that I couldn't breath</span></i></div><div><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">If I was drowning, suffocating</span></i></div><div><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">If I told you that I couldn't breath</span></i></div></span></div></div>Ryanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11041400829868136940noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32774737.post-33940410004451490612010-06-23T23:07:00.005+08:002010-06-24T00:07:46.275+08:00Grindr-ingAnd so I have bought an iPhone, like 2 months ago. Why suddenly buy? Part of it because of the annoyance from my brother who keep asking me to buy; Another part of it is I really wanted to test how 'smooth' apple product can be. I was told that iPhone never hang, the touch-screen is very sensitive and the responsiveness is superb; Of course, iPhone can download many application (or known as apps) that can keep the user entertained and never get bored. Oh yes, and one of the application I was, and still am dying to have my hand on is the gay-friendly application - Grindr!<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhclsoFuQCT7GdGbY1DW_VU5p2LWk5BZRq6oYxCZWEIpKs8HZCDEUgbh85XquezKOqMU31wiWnnV3e4tqkwrfyDrVzhwC6wBzdR2Pvsaf0wzMRaQzaotHmKuQRSBWAo-LmYekS9og/s1600/vlcsnap-877145.png"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 230px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhclsoFuQCT7GdGbY1DW_VU5p2LWk5BZRq6oYxCZWEIpKs8HZCDEUgbh85XquezKOqMU31wiWnnV3e4tqkwrfyDrVzhwC6wBzdR2Pvsaf0wzMRaQzaotHmKuQRSBWAo-LmYekS9og/s400/vlcsnap-877145.png" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5485999569297337106" /></a><br />And so it was Digi which suddenly came out with this iDigi plan for iPhone that successfully seduced me and I was so weak and desperate I fell for its "attractiveness" and "seduction". I swiped my credit card and am now bound to the iDigi plan for 2 years. It feels like I have had a one-night-stand and suddenly the girl (as if that would ever happen) got knocked-up. Suddenly I ter-kahwin (accidentally got married) and have to stuck with this girl for 2 years, luckily not forever! Damn, I was so desperate! <div><br /></div><div>Back to the Grindr. I was first introduced during one of my friend's birthday party. Oh I was amazed by the convenience and easiness to get a "hook-up"! Fucked, it's really like an instant hook-up. It's so much better than the chatroom in gay.com or whatever profile you can put online. You can instantly know the nearest gay man available (or not) at your finger tips. Just open the app, grindr will scan and find the nearest gay man for you. Shit, for a single man like me, I MUST GET ONE! So that's what I thought. Expectedly, one of the first few apps that I downloaded when I have my iPhone in hand of course is Grindr. Setting up my profile and everything was done like in less than one minute?! Hahaha... And I wait. And wait. And wait. And... still waiting...</div><div><br /></div><div>Too shy to initiate a conversation or what-so-ever. As if typing a word "Hi" would make me come out of the closet. So what I did was just browsing through the list with all those men photos displaying on my iPhone screen in full glory. Whoa, men men men! Yummy yummy yummy! Occasionally, I received an instant message with a simple "Hi" or "Hello", I would just "Hi" back or "Hello" back. Some just ended there, some followed by "Do you want your cock to be sucked?" or "Top or bottom?". I was like :"What the hell?!"<br /></div><div><br /></div><div>And days gone by. I did made some friends through grindr. Some are just chatting online. Some I added on facebook since they have it posted on the grindr. Amazingly, they accepted my friend request. Oh yes, some of them are HOT! Hahaha... I eventually braved enough to initiate a conversation when I see guys that I like. But sadly, some of them not are really responsive. Perhaps I'm not their type?! Guess that's part of the whole game, ya. </div><div><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjtYofyaDjNkSffGwu2UQSZyIXAsqurIHyYehw7pO_EisWB3jQuRUJ1ehRNoGOcxJDq576qlL3JJNizNpmQRp2an0bhrN_GbX9SZhGlLTmn45aLWdEv6hg8ddbr5pgUKYzqYnWlbw/s1600/vlcsnap-881582.png"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 230px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjtYofyaDjNkSffGwu2UQSZyIXAsqurIHyYehw7pO_EisWB3jQuRUJ1ehRNoGOcxJDq576qlL3JJNizNpmQRp2an0bhrN_GbX9SZhGlLTmn45aLWdEv6hg8ddbr5pgUKYzqYnWlbw/s400/vlcsnap-881582.png" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5485999574882292402" /></a><br />Another thing I like about grindr is that it makes me feel gay is everywhere. I used to think that gay men are very few in Malaysia. Like out of 100 people, there's only 1 man who is gay. But with grindr, it makes me feel differently. It's like everywhere we can find gay man. I mean the people who has iPhone (or other phone which support grindr), and have it installed in their phone and using actively, I already can feel gay man is everywhere. What about those who doesn't use grindr? I think gay population is getting bigger, no?! Hahaha...</div><div><br /></div><div>Apart from getting to know more friends through grindr, I also like to observe the people on grindr. Some men change their photo, from showing only their face, to showing their face+shoulder, then half naked. Unfortunately no naked photo allowed on grindr. Else, will be banned. Hahaha... and to observe how far is this man from you. 1 mile? 2000 feet away or something. Oh I even get instant message from penang or even Thailand! How cool! And one thing I find it somewhat scary is that, there is this fella who stay like 800 feet away from me. Definitely a neighbour! Hahaha... I also noticed some people are having 2 iphones (or 2 phones which support grindr). Coz I saw two photos with the same person on my list. Hehehe...</div><div><br /></div><div>Well, no matter how convenient it may be, I am still struggling to find my Mr Right. Grindr can be one way. But it's still full of people who only want one-night-stand, or just chat buddy, gym buddy or even food buddy. I have no objection to what they want. But when it comes to what I really want or need, I am not so sure if grindr is everything. Undoubtedly it gives me the convenience to get to know more gay men. In the end, it's still up to me to date someone and to see if he is my Prince Charming or not. </div><div><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgeZLyZyxq4J7v4P6NIB-FL10o0QK7rp2xzsrhMjopsvPZAlyZQWLzh517Z5gEbdmlJNi55uiWYsYeqf9KhmDWj2D0f4XgsoGYfl3C3btgdwDVdwstINdLS-tJVTgHl-5cQii_3XA/s1600/vlcsnap-881405.png"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 230px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgeZLyZyxq4J7v4P6NIB-FL10o0QK7rp2xzsrhMjopsvPZAlyZQWLzh517Z5gEbdmlJNi55uiWYsYeqf9KhmDWj2D0f4XgsoGYfl3C3btgdwDVdwstINdLS-tJVTgHl-5cQii_3XA/s400/vlcsnap-881405.png" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5485999587600446562" /></a><br /></div><div>So, I'll continue grindr-ing. Wish me luck, ya!</div>Ryanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11041400829868136940noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32774737.post-91723463982309920482010-01-10T12:39:00.003+08:002010-01-10T14:00:56.909+08:00The Begin After The EndHappy New Year 2010!<br /><br />I know it's already the 10th day of the new year, but I guess it's still early enough to wish anyone a very happy new year. Good wishes and loves are meant to be spread around. Hahaha...<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEipUZ_v8Lgy_GXeawAQkpM6J0pYWcZDynrn7XZoaGu2UGQ3AduWefpQPDxsMS_0n25SRi-ppX5yth1fp6fWjxcuNUETE6BWbwu0GkUjMchlNHHR-yXOivCsI80ZHFqwRmbjw9o0JA/s1600-h/vlcsnap-3506797.png"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 170px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEipUZ_v8Lgy_GXeawAQkpM6J0pYWcZDynrn7XZoaGu2UGQ3AduWefpQPDxsMS_0n25SRi-ppX5yth1fp6fWjxcuNUETE6BWbwu0GkUjMchlNHHR-yXOivCsI80ZHFqwRmbjw9o0JA/s400/vlcsnap-3506797.png" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5424967631397758434" border="0" /></a>I actually intent to revamp this blog. OK, not revamp. Maybe just to change the look and feel of this site. Just to have the feeling of 'new' or 're-new'. Apparently my attempt has, again, failed. I started with replacing the blog header photo with a photo which showing my not-as-sexy pecs. How daring I can be! Thought I should put something that show something about me on this blog. Too bad, my pecs is not as appealing as this current pecs shown in the blog header photo. At the end, I gave up changing and put back up this original photo.<br /><br />I then tried to change the colour of the blog. I thought my blog is just dark. Not cheerful and somewhat depressing. So I thought I should get rid of the black colour background. I like blue. So I changed the background colour to dark blue and the text to light blue. Different blue for the link, the side border etc. However, it just doesn't feel right. Awkward and uncomfortable with the new look and feel. At the end, I changed everything back.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhhnwYncBwg3ewfeh997xKzWU_FTPLYUGWpavUjqpdkp3hR8ZptepKW_4I6nhGwtxEJnVBV-0r9i2lqROOB7oyPNd3zPhVXbOVI6KGbnUcAdHrnRMK9UPsOvl-lGtt7ysqUx9HvyA/s1600-h/vlcsnap-3506843.png"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 170px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhhnwYncBwg3ewfeh997xKzWU_FTPLYUGWpavUjqpdkp3hR8ZptepKW_4I6nhGwtxEJnVBV-0r9i2lqROOB7oyPNd3zPhVXbOVI6KGbnUcAdHrnRMK9UPsOvl-lGtt7ysqUx9HvyA/s400/vlcsnap-3506843.png" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5424967636444549410" border="0" /></a>I guess I am not ready to change. Gosh, lack of flexibility and adaptability. A sign of aging? Or perhaps I don't have the good picture yet of how I want my new blog to be. Whatever! This reminded me of the status I have written my facebook few days ago that I started feel the lack of strength and ability to do those things I wish to do. Pretty annoying seriously!<br /><br />Anyway, about the new year. Oh, it is great so far! I had a good time with ex-colleagues on the first day evening of the new year. We had a small gathering at my house and enjoyed every single moment laughing and chatting. It's been a long time since I last laughed out so loud that it hurt my throat! Hahaha...<br /><br />Work wise... ok as well. I managed to cope well with the assignment and tasks given. Get along better now with the team members. Just need to put more efforts to build up trust between the team members and me. And I figured I need to be more disciplined. Sometime working from home is not a good idea for me. I tend to spend more time on surf net, chatting, watch drama and porn (yes I do) than working! Hahaha... Oh well, that's one of the 'welfare/benefit' of working in this company. I just need to constantly remind myself not to abuse the 'convenience' given and make sure I do my job and deliver whatever expected on time.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh9cHirW6Ay2-9EYlAf3tWgLE0vllfAI45tBbXhHg5CjpxQUVLZVva7T4qRoIwNHixCTj-T-__eamSmupGIWGk1IhICY9ZWsCG13Q2Rgq4nJ8a34CyJt2pWdddCzpetxx9rcdBo5A/s1600-h/vlcsnap-3506946.png"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 170px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh9cHirW6Ay2-9EYlAf3tWgLE0vllfAI45tBbXhHg5CjpxQUVLZVva7T4qRoIwNHixCTj-T-__eamSmupGIWGk1IhICY9ZWsCG13Q2Rgq4nJ8a34CyJt2pWdddCzpetxx9rcdBo5A/s400/vlcsnap-3506946.png" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5424967641201897842" border="0" /></a>Health wise... I think I bulked up... on my belly! Damn it! I hate it! I want to bulk up on my pecs and arms and shoulders and ... definitely not my belly! But uuurrrggghhh... my belly just can't stop growing bigger! Guess I need to do more sit-ups and monitor my sitting posture! Yeah my sitting posture definitely is the main contribution to my big belly. I tend to hunch my back which eventually push my belly out front. =_='''<br /><br />On the good side, I hit the gym more often than I used to. Been addicted to BodyPump class lately. Thanks to the gorgeous and hunky instructor. Of course, I initially attended the class just wanted to see he flex his muscles while doing those exercises. Gosh, I once chose a place right in front of him and I got to 'examine' his legs, thighs... (I wish I can go further up to the area between his legs), his biceps, triceps, pecs... Urgh... so 'motivating'! You bet I did a great work out in his class! The good thing is I really did a full body work out. OK, maybe almost full. The sad news is that now he seems not instructing the class anymore according to the new class schedule! Damn it! I hope this is just temporarily. He is my main motivation to hit the gym and work out!<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhsDJjMcZGBOeoU3PQafUqhj5pV1FX6WNSSj2xRgC2FY6wsHxoEhyVc1LCqBstXLvYiDC1PAGgfurAWYfSH2dCxsxkTdZ74OQmNMtYuqHHjLwXKEhjqVHJ1SxOeUI50cyVaL-wahQ/s1600-h/vlcsnap-3510931.png"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 170px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhsDJjMcZGBOeoU3PQafUqhj5pV1FX6WNSSj2xRgC2FY6wsHxoEhyVc1LCqBstXLvYiDC1PAGgfurAWYfSH2dCxsxkTdZ74OQmNMtYuqHHjLwXKEhjqVHJ1SxOeUI50cyVaL-wahQ/s400/vlcsnap-3510931.png" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5424984964506528834" border="0" /></a>Love or relationship... Hahaha... still single. How pathetic! But I guess I am ready for a relationship. I used to have a lot of concerns and too caught up with many things which I also not quite sure what they are. But now since I am more settled down and got to have a lot of time for myself, I guess I am more ready for a relationship. Just need to stop thinking about the negativity of having a relationship. The lost of freedom, the lack of personal space and time, the questions from friends and family about that special someone, the phobia of AIDS/HIV... Silly me!<br /><br />About looking for boyfriend/partner, I used to have a very high expectation. He must have great personality, great sense of humour, hunky, ok-looking if not good-looking, can have a great intellectual conversation with me... I was basically looking for Mr. Perfect! Not that I didn't realize my unreasonable and stupid expectation, sub-consciously I guess I was hoping the fairy-tales I saw on TV will become reality. And sometime when I re-examined myself, I painfully found that I am not not as good as I expected myself to be. So who am I to deserve the Mr Perfect I thought I wanted to be with? Then, I will stop looking and thought I should improve myself to be a better person first. Hahaha... come to think of it, I am quite stupid in a way!<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgVBCNBbhcot6m0KjEbnNOJazQkWdhJayDfzZMuAW0hE5aKRhN26CyYc5v4hUxVRqKXwYC4ykbf2sW2FHXFBhZf1CFnqlUzNzYhFXm6NXkf8mYIp3kA2nYXWjmiNxlj0C2sYWI7xA/s1600-h/vlcsnap-3510835.png"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 170px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgVBCNBbhcot6m0KjEbnNOJazQkWdhJayDfzZMuAW0hE5aKRhN26CyYc5v4hUxVRqKXwYC4ykbf2sW2FHXFBhZf1CFnqlUzNzYhFXm6NXkf8mYIp3kA2nYXWjmiNxlj0C2sYWI7xA/s400/vlcsnap-3510835.png" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5424984963818144306" border="0" /></a>Oh well, it's new year. I don't quite agree with "new year new beginning". In fact, everything keeps on going. It's just me that choose to change something along the way on this so-called special moment of time, known as the end of year 2009 and the begin of year 2010. Whatever it is, I hope from this point onwards, things are getting better and better, for you and for me.Ryanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11041400829868136940noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32774737.post-24592371367548701532009-12-30T22:54:00.009+08:002009-12-30T23:50:31.107+08:00Good Bye, 2009!<div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-style: italic;">"Amazing Grace</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">How sweet the sound</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">That saved a wretch like me..."</span><br /></div><br />This song has been playing in my mind recently after watching a <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s5gaP7Q-WUY">youtube clip</a> about a choir singing this song in a church. The choral arrangement was superb by Eriks Esenvalds. It gives me goosebumps especially when the melody is transposed from one key to another. It really feels like I have been lifted by the song higher and higher.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhWGUfXWidCCYxXT967QUmU3EI5J9XnlEMCta-DGldsm54ZIcOnjH3B_miFW6qvz2i30BF8PrlYZzx3n0tgBZATDZDZLQm1bCYniu8xWU2d8QOkdKm-ImggA7c0zCnyCxB8-SLokw/s1600-h/pon_0.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 295px; height: 400px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhWGUfXWidCCYxXT967QUmU3EI5J9XnlEMCta-DGldsm54ZIcOnjH3B_miFW6qvz2i30BF8PrlYZzx3n0tgBZATDZDZLQm1bCYniu8xWU2d8QOkdKm-ImggA7c0zCnyCxB8-SLokw/s400/pon_0.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5421054639611855682" border="0" /></a><br />It is the end of the year, how can I not write something here. Probably my last entry for the year 2009. Forget about reflection or new year resolution. I have had enough looking back dwelling into those bitter-sweet memories or looking forward to see what I want to achieve in the next year or years after that. The past few years I have learned that I tend to dream a lot but never seriously take any action into making my dreams come true. Or perhaps I dreamt too big. Always a greedy man who wants so much more than he actually deserves. I am destined to fail.<br /><br />However, I would still like to write down something I want to remember. At least to conclude the year 2009 for my own.<br /><br />The year 2009 started with me being very busy. Overwhelmed by works with new challenges. I remember I never really enjoyed my Chinese New Year. I was too caught up by the project in Pakistan. Although I had taken leave for CNY holiday, I did not really enjoy the holiday as I was too worry about my job.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjkyj4KZ4RH9-gsLyID_VDLhaSk3gAcvpMo5bD_7ZXxi8kpKZ8B32RbHW6msCuCxsqebOMJt4gslfoAktkSjhvrlY-B_gqkL-WK9K57qFa6oEmfN7SV3cVLsxbE8wj8Jsj7ptWd_g/s1600-h/dylan_rosser_daniel_200812_2.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 295px; height: 400px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjkyj4KZ4RH9-gsLyID_VDLhaSk3gAcvpMo5bD_7ZXxi8kpKZ8B32RbHW6msCuCxsqebOMJt4gslfoAktkSjhvrlY-B_gqkL-WK9K57qFa6oEmfN7SV3cVLsxbE8wj8Jsj7ptWd_g/s400/dylan_rosser_daniel_200812_2.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5421055085284636082" border="0" /></a>Things got worse. Not only the pressure from work, the incompetent supervisor drove me crazy. I still remember the appraisal, which was the worst ever in my 3 years+ working experience. I also remember the conversation we had when he wanna check on me after hearing someone said I was over-stressed. Thinking about it make me laugh. Which is good. At least I can now laugh about it.<br /><br />I guess two third of the year 2009 I was occupied with work and work and work only. Everything was about work. I hit the bottom ground when I felt nausea every morning when I woke up due to over-stressed. I remember I went to consult the doctor and he said my stomach produced too much acid. I have no idea over-stressed can cause stomach to produce so much acid until I feel like vomit. That's when I have the thought of giving up.<br /><br />The term "Giving Up" is so negative then. I told my mom I could not take it anymore and that I wanted to resign. It's not easy to convince my mom that I should resign. For them, young people should not give up. We should overcome whatever challenges we faced. That's how we grow stronger and wiser. I couldn't agree more with her then. I even blamed myself for being so weak and fragile. And so I endured.At the end, I still gave up! Or to make it sound better, I resign to get a better job with better pay. And most importantly, to work for a better supervisor. :P<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhX1aWFsMibpyZlwwewCQNp_PxPcc9NeynWNcZVHNPa57XFuX8jRXpbidfXfKpciocFiYfTY_U3B20-ol9apgFgiI-vaFEd-5mHJzvDSugnmmCPRhWAOmiarcw5vwiRWtIa4Es9gQ/s1600-h/4091354281_7beb7d1281_o.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 309px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhX1aWFsMibpyZlwwewCQNp_PxPcc9NeynWNcZVHNPa57XFuX8jRXpbidfXfKpciocFiYfTY_U3B20-ol9apgFgiI-vaFEd-5mHJzvDSugnmmCPRhWAOmiarcw5vwiRWtIa4Es9gQ/s400/4091354281_7beb7d1281_o.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5421056442313819778" border="0" /></a>And so I joined the new company in September. Gosh my life changed totally, for the better, of course! Not only are those colleagues friendly and helpful, the team lead is great! I really enjoyed working there! I am motivated. My contribution is recognized and appreciated. I gained job satisfaction. Not only that, I no longer need to work like a cheap slave. I can leave office on time. Unlike last time, I think I worked at least 12 hours a day! Now, I work 8 hours only! And like any other colleagues, I got to work from home 2 days a week. Best!<br /><br />I can really feel I am getting happier. Life is getting better and better since then. I think it can only gets better. After all, I had hit the bottom ground. I may have started the year 2009 with worries and hecticness, but I am surely ending the year with a smile on my face. If you ask me what I did in year 2009, I would say I make a very good decision : Resigned and found a new fantastic job!<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-style: italic;">"...I once was lost</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">But now I'm found</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">I was blind</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">But now I see..."</span><br /></div><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/s5gaP7Q-WUY&hl=en_US&fs=1&"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/s5gaP7Q-WUY&hl=en_US&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object></div>Ryanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11041400829868136940noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32774737.post-4134669736382896522009-11-30T22:06:00.001+08:002009-11-30T22:08:58.374+08:00Keep On Singing My SongI was watching the first few episodes of "The Vampire Diary" yesterday and already got addicted to the series. Not only because of the two hunky vampires, but also the storyline and one of the vampire write journal too. Just like how we write our entry and post it on our blog.<br /><p><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjRD7qC2ovKyo1icScLogIlaj6aSR_ryfrTnBtLpwU7qCPFR1HfrDR8kBfu_rMCDG6jwdQIkNMfwurDJM4clydA7kiF2XV2XG9d-hDRoYK_dIhBCdEQdrTHavlbrSa3wUOEMzUgZw/s1600/!cid_X_MA1_1229433984@aol.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 326px; height: 400px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjRD7qC2ovKyo1icScLogIlaj6aSR_ryfrTnBtLpwU7qCPFR1HfrDR8kBfu_rMCDG6jwdQIkNMfwurDJM4clydA7kiF2XV2XG9d-hDRoYK_dIhBCdEQdrTHavlbrSa3wUOEMzUgZw/s400/!cid_X_MA1_1229433984@aol.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5409898162179072626" border="0" /></a></p> <p>It was something about this girl, Elena, has said that make me wanna write this entry. Well, in the series, she has lost both her parents and still in the midst of getting over with the sadness and sorrow. I can't really recall the exact phrase that she said. But what I can remember was that she is trying to be happy but she also scared. Scared that for one moment when she is happy and suddenly one tragedic event will crash down everything.</p> <p>I guess I can relate myself to that situation. Constantly living in fear and insecurities had made me the person I don't really want to be. Funny as it may sound. In fact, I know it's a matter of choice and taking action on to what you have chosen or determined to do. But I guess, consciously or subconsciously, I have chosen to let insecurities to control my level of happiness and to be who I really am.<br /></p><p><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgcgJs9a8DYpwx-oAJxbfwxD17DMFiA9HssVIxEJes3DJu55YwmNHrXW55286WrUgBMno750dnIOwawzC1DmXNyk8dtT82oUHnF3e1zMKg4wLVSdjP73P0C_qru4BkKGztktfBfxQ/s1600/!cid_X_MA1_1233327733@aol.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 345px; height: 400px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgcgJs9a8DYpwx-oAJxbfwxD17DMFiA9HssVIxEJes3DJu55YwmNHrXW55286WrUgBMno750dnIOwawzC1DmXNyk8dtT82oUHnF3e1zMKg4wLVSdjP73P0C_qru4BkKGztktfBfxQ/s400/!cid_X_MA1_1233327733@aol.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5409898173804842578" border="0" /></a></p> <p>I have hell lotsa people telling me I am being stupid and wasting my time. I listened and am pretty well-aware. Perhaps I have never tried enough. Or, it's always easier to say than to do. Never the less, I have to still keep on trying. Taking one step at a time. To do things at my own pace. To be more happy. To be more alive.</p> <p>Don't get me wrong, though! I am pretty much happier than I was. It's just that deep down inside, there's always this piece of me, which generating this negative energy that sometime overtakes my mind. And I can't help, most of the time, to think back and see where I was from. As looking forward, it's unbearable for me to think about the insecurities and uncertainties that are lying ahead. It's way too easy for me to say "Come what may...". For sure, I am not saying it nonchalantly. Normally, after saying that, I'll just stop my mind from going further. Denial.</p><p><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh5IVqafxbaHTN1Xd9nEb6Uzlpsm_LHeec-_L_LuSeDxn6_ZeC7OHGK9pQP24ya2dJqFIVVprLy4qWtUHYmkrNShJ9g5mz_MSWW5GhO2U0m5EExVz7h78Ptz0GIm6aLHhK69juVSA/s1600/!cid_X_MA2_1218467560@aol.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 291px; height: 400px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh5IVqafxbaHTN1Xd9nEb6Uzlpsm_LHeec-_L_LuSeDxn6_ZeC7OHGK9pQP24ya2dJqFIVVprLy4qWtUHYmkrNShJ9g5mz_MSWW5GhO2U0m5EExVz7h78Ptz0GIm6aLHhK69juVSA/s400/!cid_X_MA2_1218467560@aol.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5409898175253547698" border="0" /></a></p> <p>I think counting the blessings is what I need to do more often these days, especially at the end of the year. </p>Ryanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11041400829868136940noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32774737.post-30373890894809735422009-10-23T23:14:00.004+08:002009-10-24T00:01:16.348+08:00Lost ConcentrationI think I have lost my concentration. I am not sure since when, but it surely has been a long while.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhnQLCsVvSfbtp1Yc2ph9UKCZTA4ADHMZoFmqY63zc3hPkBVKABmsIr42eUu8OrsZzHsWF_DV_dzxUh9I8Na9UbLTuLmXyahmccz2mDlpBK3G0EQ-GZ8cSZpdPfM0WmjHwj5rkVUQ/s1600-h/Ellis+McCreadie+as+James+Dean.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 257px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhnQLCsVvSfbtp1Yc2ph9UKCZTA4ADHMZoFmqY63zc3hPkBVKABmsIr42eUu8OrsZzHsWF_DV_dzxUh9I8Na9UbLTuLmXyahmccz2mDlpBK3G0EQ-GZ8cSZpdPfM0WmjHwj5rkVUQ/s400/Ellis+McCreadie+as+James+Dean.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5395825044445745042" border="0" /></a><br /><br />I find myself very difficult to do thing. Even just one simple thing. For example today, I was trying to understand the codes in a program, at the same time I was thinking maybe I should try to finish my case study first. At the end, I only managed to study like 30% of the codes.<br /><br />Later on, when I was trying to write some SQL queries (IT database term, you don't wanna know :P) to verify something, then I thought maybe I should study and practice on other thing to prepare myself for the coming training in the company. As a result, I need to ask my colleague to discuss with me on the SQL queries to keep myself focus on the SQL queries and not other thing.<br /><br />And not only for work, when I was driving, I couldn't help myself trying to avoid to get into any car accident. Sometime when I drove over some stones or got into some holes on the road and it cause stupid noise on my car, I would panic and thought if I had drove over anyone or any animals. The I'll keep looking at the rear-view mirror to see if anything happened at the back while trying very hard to concentrate on the front. Sometime I even drove back to the place where I heard the noise just to reconfirm nothing happened. =_='''<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjZsS2AeCdeEH7UJRHa7XaBOj8giOB_hvhK7epxIMkP-E5xe1SdxwCMjaqBihLXdWY6Ta0kIGLgj6EbM1ZFPz-bhEl__0Ezp87bVpNvgw0gbkL9KXyTOu_tGLHTJHKFZ_b5r3lOiQ/s1600-h/04.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 312px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjZsS2AeCdeEH7UJRHa7XaBOj8giOB_hvhK7epxIMkP-E5xe1SdxwCMjaqBihLXdWY6Ta0kIGLgj6EbM1ZFPz-bhEl__0Ezp87bVpNvgw0gbkL9KXyTOu_tGLHTJHKFZ_b5r3lOiQ/s400/04.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5395825043156104450" border="0" /></a><br />At night before I sleep, when I was trying to read the novel, I would asked myself maybe I should go sleep already as tomorrow need to wake up early. Or maybe I should play some soothing music. Or maybe I should watch drama series instead. At the end, I only read a few pages and sleep.<br /><br />I blame this on "multi-tasking"! Yep, I think I was over-multi-tasking. My brain couldn't stop running multiple processes concurrently. If only one process is running, it will auto trigger another available process to run so it won't waste resource and time. Unfortunately, my brain is not intelligent enough to estimate the resources required for a process to run. So when all processes are run concurrently and pulling all the resources (which in this case is my concentration), the whole system lag, and eventually hang! Deadlock! Whatever! At the end, everything stop! Like computer, at this point, it need to be rebooted. :P<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjO9Wve-UfLfOFCB7s6xGSaOe_06xzpgWD0nhu_PJue8ebML8cvbQLZ4Nm7yEZyUMUIehEDj2eq_jXiqDEg54tEU7BUzXNSpniKVj18sXPGWlkBaQpuYmeHCNrUgKKe0aZ3F8qoWg/s1600-h/Alex.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 282px; height: 400px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjO9Wve-UfLfOFCB7s6xGSaOe_06xzpgWD0nhu_PJue8ebML8cvbQLZ4Nm7yEZyUMUIehEDj2eq_jXiqDEg54tEU7BUzXNSpniKVj18sXPGWlkBaQpuYmeHCNrUgKKe0aZ3F8qoWg/s400/Alex.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5395825038528169394" border="0" /></a><br />Yup, I blame on multi-tasking too much last time. I gotta stop this. Else, I would achieve nothing.<br /><br />p/s: While I was typing this entry, my mind was thinking about maybe I should just go google and search "How To Concentrate". Luckily I managed to finish this entry. :PRyanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11041400829868136940noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32774737.post-23378016969543182052009-10-17T21:50:00.006+08:002009-10-17T22:42:16.547+08:00Heartache TonightI was at the Desa Park City Water Front Park shopping just now with my parents. And I saw <a href="http://beautifulmale.blogspot.com/2007/07/crush.html">him</a>. And this time, he was with a girl. His hand was over her shoulder. They were walking towards my direction. I pretend to scratch my forehead to cover my face when they passed me by. I don't know why. What I do know is that I was disappointed, heartbroken and sad.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiaabl0rxZpARpLrIlRQQeHXPzPM7s2TpnF6wSVuibU4v4bJOyWanQ4p_CnVYOG8TmbaiMDzWI8eK7aKEEEjxMMtGh3zJpq6ZCAMVc26j5BUelbnGY12M7PpOQy8-1fYs1ePI2gKQ/s1600-h/Nick+Ballard.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 266px; height: 400px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiaabl0rxZpARpLrIlRQQeHXPzPM7s2TpnF6wSVuibU4v4bJOyWanQ4p_CnVYOG8TmbaiMDzWI8eK7aKEEEjxMMtGh3zJpq6ZCAMVc26j5BUelbnGY12M7PpOQy8-1fYs1ePI2gKQ/s400/Nick+Ballard.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5393575757819301634" border="0" /></a><br /><br />Deep in my heart, I really wish that girl is just her sister or something. But I am tired of guessing already. Too many maybes and whatifs . More than two years already. Everytime I see him, my heart would beat faster. He never fail to <a href="http://beautifulmale.blogspot.com/2007/11/he-did-it-again.html">take my breath away</a>.<br /><br />I remember how I rushed to the KTM KL Sentral to catch the train hoping to stumble upon him in the train; I remember I stood behind him observing him while he was busy reading; I remember him in a polo shirt carrying a luggage not sure if he was going for a vacation; I remember I saw him in Pavilion carrying a bag looking for someone when I was having coffee in Starbuck with family; I also saw him in Desa Park City twice. Each and every time, he <a href="http://beautifulmale.blogspot.com/2007/11/take-my-breath-away.html">took my breath away</a>.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhI68mZa9HLbPpyLZr2G8LIqgChVmAgr_ZRuvB8ftTrMH5LuFRuhd93KOnj2X5BsLizSrVOyDqv7GnsNlT9SblptYAvSdP99c6SoSw48QpDsEW-LiAh16qmgoWADsi_kLwv2pQJ3g/s1600-h/mel+platzke+2.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 308px; height: 400px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhI68mZa9HLbPpyLZr2G8LIqgChVmAgr_ZRuvB8ftTrMH5LuFRuhd93KOnj2X5BsLizSrVOyDqv7GnsNlT9SblptYAvSdP99c6SoSw48QpDsEW-LiAh16qmgoWADsi_kLwv2pQJ3g/s400/mel+platzke+2.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5393575761391820002" border="0" /></a><br /><br />I can't help laughing at my stupidity and craziness. I actually hoped and wished to have a chance to be with this guy (not knowing if he's gay or not) for fucking 2 years. And the funny thing was I never even fucking have the gut to go after him and ask him out! Stupid! Stupid kind of <a href="http://beautifulmale.blogspot.com/2007/07/pursuit-of-happiness.html">pursuit of happiness</a>.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEivkJYHPNqtKsTvwwLQA8Nb7bEhDkPAvLqwRRDAC4tbVLUSMDwu5w9jv31Qw1Wuz84wo50XyQBd-9MSSMrMWfm4s53lZMS5CmBjYQ4NtDT9f96QxDh8lgaeVQRBE9LKYItgy90czQ/s1600-h/file009MA25610798-0078.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 304px; height: 400px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEivkJYHPNqtKsTvwwLQA8Nb7bEhDkPAvLqwRRDAC4tbVLUSMDwu5w9jv31Qw1Wuz84wo50XyQBd-9MSSMrMWfm4s53lZMS5CmBjYQ4NtDT9f96QxDh8lgaeVQRBE9LKYItgy90czQ/s400/file009MA25610798-0078.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5393575773303290450" border="0" /></a><br />Haih... never mind. Wish him well. I need to get over this. Taking a deep breath, I need some good sentimental music to take me far far away from this reality... at least for tonight.Ryanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11041400829868136940noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32774737.post-2966778320479684542009-09-21T18:22:00.008+08:002009-09-21T18:54:43.837+08:00I was a boyI was cleaning my room this afternoon when I found a piece of manuscript paper slipped in between my bags at the end of my bed. I took it out and realized that it was a poem written on that paper. Not sure if it was written by me or I copied from somewhere. But definitely long long time ago. Else I would have remembered if the poem was written by me or not.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiYWNNWGdSeyGZ6swAkJsXxoSDF5-gAk_dX7PvtfHx03Ry20qZy8qbNI4hdZVQQqPUVW4tsJPSVwJl9yHkw4KWzBFbezrpsBMMQ7nKB1lFIXhJq9PHYO5-JKUP3kJBTSchDHHzGfw/s1600-h/clay+adler.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 267px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiYWNNWGdSeyGZ6swAkJsXxoSDF5-gAk_dX7PvtfHx03Ry20qZy8qbNI4hdZVQQqPUVW4tsJPSVwJl9yHkw4KWzBFbezrpsBMMQ7nKB1lFIXhJq9PHYO5-JKUP3kJBTSchDHHzGfw/s400/clay+adler.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5383870096511743218" border="0" /></a><br /><br />Since I normally will post those poems I wrote on the internet (in my blog, friendster, facebook etc), I then went online to search those sites to clarify if it was a poem written by myself. After surfing through some sites, I actually stopped at one of my old blog and found an entry which brought me back to one of those days when I was crazily in love with a friend (Yes, straight and now married).<br /><br />We used to text each other so often that some times I thought we were, you know, in a relationship. Hahahaha... We text about anything. I remember I was in a park and saw a turtle swimming in the pool, and I just sms him and saying that I saw that turtle and it maks me feel great. And I remember some time, we will just sms each other just to greet good night before we head to bed. Little did I know, to him, it was just merely a good gesture to a very good friend. Obviously I thought it was different.<br /><br />So sometime, when I messaged him and he never replied, I would feel terrible. Wondering what happened and what went wrong. He got tired of me or he didn't receive my sms. Then I would need to scold myself that he has no obligation to reply my sms. And sometime he replied late either he was busy or his phone was running out of credit. But I remember those days. Looking back, I find myself so innocent and naive that I can't help laughing at my stupidity.<br /><br />Well, there was this one time when I did not receive sms from him and I used to recite this poem written by Tagore to console myself :<br /><br /><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: separate; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;font-family:'Times New Roman';font-size:100%;" ><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'Trebuchet MS';"><p style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0); text-decoration: none;font-family:'Trebuchet MS';font-size:small;"><span style="color:gold;"><i>If thou speakest not<br />I will fill my heart with thy silence and endure it.<br />I will keep still and wait like the night<br />with starry vigil and its head bent low with patience.<br />The morning will surely come, the darkness will vanish,<br />and thy voice pour down in golden streams<br />breaking through the sky.<br />Then thy words will take wings in songs<br />from every one of my birds' nests,<br />and thy melodies will break forth in flowers<br />in all my forest groves.</i></span></p><p style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS'; color: rgb(51, 102, 255); font-size: small; text-decoration: none;"><b><i>~ Rabindranath Tagore</i></b></p></span></span><br />It was actually a very beautiful poem. Who knows how long I reread this poem within my heart while waiting to receive his sms, or never did. Hahaha... It was one of those days, that I thought I was deeply in love, but only on my own.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiyioYYidZMMFz0efjwnputVuNXo1TxcWqssB8IDOxfqFVOKH2Ew9Bij3uVRNkfe98s1rWrbuXqyYQrXoXApS0jwqw77p3aoMD9zXxleFcd4KhJEjAySSGuiVg5fmxPcZ4MNNB75Q/s1600-h/justin+hartley+01.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 339px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiyioYYidZMMFz0efjwnputVuNXo1TxcWqssB8IDOxfqFVOKH2Ew9Bij3uVRNkfe98s1rWrbuXqyYQrXoXApS0jwqw77p3aoMD9zXxleFcd4KhJEjAySSGuiVg5fmxPcZ4MNNB75Q/s400/justin+hartley+01.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5383871310502156242" border="0" /></a><br />Hahaha... what a naive young boy I was!Ryanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11041400829868136940noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32774737.post-1385646616137292892009-08-31T22:05:00.003+08:002009-08-31T22:13:30.772+08:00I AM THE MANYesterday I felt like "I AM THE MAN!!"<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjvf5yEJQXZjoitJVuDXkXwZlBA00acxUebQqPgUKKKFk9VOmrghOiHHYxt_8ByVndjXfusPmPt63awahHlBAD4c65RFs5l_fNmxBFDZ40NLTKiyGk-P8Rd4jbQRSu5zwwqivWL3g/s1600-h/Luke+Guldan+%288%29.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 268px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjvf5yEJQXZjoitJVuDXkXwZlBA00acxUebQqPgUKKKFk9VOmrghOiHHYxt_8ByVndjXfusPmPt63awahHlBAD4c65RFs5l_fNmxBFDZ40NLTKiyGk-P8Rd4jbQRSu5zwwqivWL3g/s400/Luke+Guldan+%288%29.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5376122815629883186" border="0" /></a><br />I am not talking about being dominant or being top in bed, you pervert! I am talking about being a person who people can count on to and depend on. Maybe I am still not putting the words right. Anyway, that doesn't matter! The point is, I felt like "I AM THE MAN!" Hahaha...<br /><br />So what happened?<br /><br />In the morning, I made myself baked butter cake for the family. I basically forced myself. :P You see, I am a very lazy person! Baking a cake is very tedious! Imagine the flour, the sugar the eggs! I would've messed up the whole kitchen! Anyway, I managed to drag myself out of the bedroom and start baking a cake! And yes, I made it!<br /><br />However, I didn't get to try my 'product' until today afternoon during tea time. And guess what?! It was not as tasty as I expect! Very dry and tasteless. Must be not enough sugar! And I blame the poor quality flour! Bwahahaha...<br /><br />Anyway, my family still 'bagi muka' (tolerate) and finished one of the whole cake. Now only left another half. I guess they are just too hungry that they do not mind eating this poor quality cake. As for me, I eat only two slices and complaint like hell! Cannot! Must try to bake another time!<br /><br />Then in the evening, I went shopping with the family. I had promised my sister to buy her a dress for her coming ROM. Yes, she is getting married soon. Gonna register next week and I think the wedding will be held 2 years later. :P We went to a shop. Forgot the name! And we chose some white dresses to let sister to try. Hmm... I think she tried 5 or 6 dresses. Then we finally decide to buy the one that we like most. A classic white dress with lace. And my sister looks elegantly gorgeous in it! Spent a few hundreds for the dress plus the white scarf!<br /><br />Imagine when I took out my credit card from my wallet and passed it to the cashier, letting her swipe the card! Urgh...! I can feel my wallet is bleeding! Hahaha... The cashier even made me sign! Urgh! But come to think of it, it's for my sister! I should be glad! And yes, the sister was totally delighted. She even planted a kiss on my cheek for that gorgeous white dress! I bet the husband was jealous! Wakaka...<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg4My9xvg6P6AUTIzSlwP5yfVN9waE7NqL7JCzodPUVD3DGzgB-LYVt5cmTaOSIj8J4DGuc7C8fDvZSMTkn2C1vaedCMzqd9S26Is2Uk_hsNx2gaDCupRqpLYpaHVVOi4AAAkjGuw/s1600-h/!cid_D9243AA4-F6C7-4B3F-9911-987C34567A08@local.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 283px; height: 400px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg4My9xvg6P6AUTIzSlwP5yfVN9waE7NqL7JCzodPUVD3DGzgB-LYVt5cmTaOSIj8J4DGuc7C8fDvZSMTkn2C1vaedCMzqd9S26Is2Uk_hsNx2gaDCupRqpLYpaHVVOi4AAAkjGuw/s400/!cid_D9243AA4-F6C7-4B3F-9911-987C34567A08@local.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5376122803138009250" border="0" /></a><br />After that we went to have dinner in a Japanese Restaurant! The sister's future husband 'belanja'! Yay!<br /><br />We later went to buy TV. Yes, the TV at home got burned yesterday. Actually that TV had been used for more than 10 years. And through out the years, daddy had sent it for repair a few times already. So I guess it is time to change a new one. Beside, the brother had been urging me to buy a new LCD TV. He said, with LCD TV, we can watch those movies we downloaded from the internet. But I know he wants to have the LCD TV so that he can play his games on the big wide screen!<br /><br />Anyway, since the TV got burned, I guess it's fate that we need a new TV for home. So we walk into the shop (again forgot what name, BEST something...) and were amazed by those TVs on display. I have to admit I know nothing about TV. So, I let the brother and sister's beau to pick one. They finally pointed to the Panasonic 42" plasma TV. Alright, after telling the promoter our selected TV, I went to the cashier counter, took out my credit card again and let the cashier swipe! Urgh, again, wallet bleeding! But this one I am gonna pay by instalment! I am not that rich yet! :P<br /><br />I was being consoled with the free gifts : A panasonic digital camera, a 2GB SD ram and also a RM300 voucher. I directly request to deduct the RM300 for the TV we bought and luckily it's acceptable! :D So the TV is cheaper by RM300. Yay!<br /><br />Living for 20 over years, this is the first time, I ever bought such expensive stuff. And it is for the family. I feel proud! Walking out of the shop, I held my mom's hand, asking her happy or not! Of course, she said yes!<br /><br />When we got home, the brother and the sister's future husband were busying installing the TV. Once done, the whole family sitting in the living enjoying the Astro with the newly-bought plasma TV. At that moment, I feel so contend. I feel very thankful! Daddy must have been proud of me as well! Finally, I can contribute something to my home.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiNAJ3NgN2PrRnYaTmG3giwtkQtxt212jXNPwgK7YlIl52CWBLSPSHHu0oHsYg_LD5EhMUpdjg24OMzNrKGqN0P-SQhsH78DP_uezVJybqsiYPIdSurdgNADUCjS_RJDNUQNxzQCg/s1600-h/ellis+mccreadie+%284%29.jpg"><br /><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 305px; height: 400px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiNAJ3NgN2PrRnYaTmG3giwtkQtxt212jXNPwgK7YlIl52CWBLSPSHHu0oHsYg_LD5EhMUpdjg24OMzNrKGqN0P-SQhsH78DP_uezVJybqsiYPIdSurdgNADUCjS_RJDNUQNxzQCg/s400/ellis+mccreadie+%284%29.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5376122819790981538" border="0" /></a><br />Most importantly, I feel like "I AM THE MAN!!"Ryanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11041400829868136940noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32774737.post-24552565696280273132009-07-19T21:12:00.005+08:002009-07-19T22:12:22.187+08:00Working in the Faraway LandIt used to be a deserted place. So isolated and neglected. But I spent four years of tertiary education in this place called Cyberjaya. Little did I know then that, someday, I will be back here to work.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhsQGXwc3WsIzsH0VzFxs5Fzj6kJgCTNSGp3ZmxEK1cU5bk5yyEhHy91pa2-_P68iB72LDo7BvuLDtCaXx9fimErvy1Y1lRPdBivK2opMl39ZINzbXsIvLr9duJGF085QPBWW8Nag/s1600-h/83940725.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 267px; height: 400px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhsQGXwc3WsIzsH0VzFxs5Fzj6kJgCTNSGp3ZmxEK1cU5bk5yyEhHy91pa2-_P68iB72LDo7BvuLDtCaXx9fimErvy1Y1lRPdBivK2opMl39ZINzbXsIvLr9duJGF085QPBWW8Nag/s400/83940725.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5360173026842911330" border="0" /></a>Yeah, in case you do not know, I have been working in Cyberjaya for 1 month now. The company has bought a new office in this place just because of the MSC status. Yeah, whatever! :P So How was it working there? Gosh you have no idea how many times I have been asked this question. Anyway, I will still give you this simple answer:<br /><br />"It's ok. Nothing interesting!"<br /><br />I mean, you still need to work. So working in KL or in Cyberjaya, it is almost the same to me. Cause eventually, I still get to come home and be with the family. Of course, if you really wants to know the pros and cons, well there are some advantages and disadvantages.<br /><br />Let's talk about the advantages first:<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Allowance</span><br />Yeah, traveling from my house to Cyberjaya is quite a distance. So the company does give us some extra allowance. Not much though. But good enough to cover the petrol and toll fees.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Shorter Working hour</span><br />I can come in office late. Yeah, when I was in KL, I need to start work at 9am. But in Cyberjaya, I can come in office at 10am. Well, the boss said we should avoid the traffic congestion. So he allows us to be in office before 10am. With that, we can only leave the office at 7pm. So our working hour has changed from 9am-6pm to 10am - 7pm. Why did I say shorter working hour? Because when I was working in KL, I normally worked till 9pm. But when I am working in Cyberjaya, I need to leave before 8:30pm. The office will close and the man with the key will chase you out. So normally I left office at 7:30pm. So it's actually shorter working hours.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Free lunch/ dinner</span><br />The company actually hired too aunties to prepare lunch for us. Yeah pretty good right? So we can save our money and enjoy home-cook meal. And guess what, the food they provide are great. At least I enjoy the food. They are tasty and delicious. And sometime, the aunties even provide dinner. In fact, most of the time, the aunties cook dinner for the staff. They thought they should cook for us knowing that we got to work late and by the time we reached home, it'll be very late and we might be too starved. How sweet?!<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiETs2JLzZnRv8T_iBl66wzjZoa_fOZwSjFQ84J0-cmp4RX0nA27G4vQcRf_KtxOGpbBBMuc3aHjRxRymwBFab0loNCY47qd3goV7zR4afFW4n3t2KYJVOH_bkp7oGEmZfFvpAxOA/s1600-h/BUNS2103MA25203171-0026.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 292px; height: 400px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiETs2JLzZnRv8T_iBl66wzjZoa_fOZwSjFQ84J0-cmp4RX0nA27G4vQcRf_KtxOGpbBBMuc3aHjRxRymwBFab0loNCY47qd3goV7zR4afFW4n3t2KYJVOH_bkp7oGEmZfFvpAxOA/s400/BUNS2103MA25203171-0026.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5360173021974068594" border="0" /></a>So what's the disadvantages?<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Need to car pool</span><br />Yes, the company is not that stupid. The extra allowance will only give to the driver. So employees from one area will need to car pool to go to work. If every employee drive their own car, then the company will need to give everyone allowance. To cut down the cost, the company actually make us car pool to go to work in Cyberjaya. And when you need to car pool, then you'll need to compromise with everyone in the same car. If I finish early, I'll have to wait for everyone in the same car to finish their work, then only we can go home. If you have some extra activities after work, you'll need to be get home first before you can go out again. Worst case happen to me was I planned to have dinner with friends one day, but then one of the colleague hadn't finish his work. So we all need to wait for him and my dinner date got cancelled as it was getting a bit too late. >.< <span style="font-style: italic;">All day in the office.</span><br />Yes, we have free lunch and dinner. You think it's great right?! Come to think of it, that means you do not need to go out to eat. During lunch time we will all go to the pantry and eat. After that, we will get back to our seat and continue work. Yes, that boring! Oh yes, you can relax awhile, go and read newspaper or even do your own thing to relax. But looking or knowing that everyone get back to their seat and work, you'll feel uncomfortable to access to facebook or read news.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Still less personal time</span><br />You thought shorter working hours means more personal time? You are so wrong. Most of our time wasted on waiting each other and the journey to and from the office. During that 45 minutes journey, you'll still need to talk to your colleagues who are in the same car. Of course we no need to work. We can even gripe and complain to each other about how stressful and how busy we are... bla bla bla... by the time we reached home, it'll still be 9pm or something. And then by the time you take your shower and stuff, it'll be 10pm. Then facebook awhile, and you'll feel tired and sleepy. By 12am, I'll be sleeping. And tomorrow will repeat the same whole thing. So each day is work, work and work. No social life, no shopping, no movies night out.<br /><br />"Wake up and get a life, dammit!"<br /><br />I don't have a life. Yeah, my life basically is all about work, work and work. And my mind can only think about work, work and work. I get it now. I don't have a life. And when I am not enjoying my work, I don't enjoy my life. No wonder!!!<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhen0dXPLyFTQ2I8bea9qz9ccHj0oWelGb9eVtPkT2cjphR2ZU5fyizJqJcEsdw6IT6-r7x4I3wsqQLzAAIJ8aUDEKfesFLX8ziUYEQc6cpW1f5HIaXRri0t9q2oqdz4m6PVLPXJA/s1600-h/1166106017_l.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 267px; height: 400px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhen0dXPLyFTQ2I8bea9qz9ccHj0oWelGb9eVtPkT2cjphR2ZU5fyizJqJcEsdw6IT6-r7x4I3wsqQLzAAIJ8aUDEKfesFLX8ziUYEQc6cpW1f5HIaXRri0t9q2oqdz4m6PVLPXJA/s400/1166106017_l.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5360173018492727074" border="0" /></a>Hmm... no worries! This kind of life is gonna come to an end soon. Then I can start a new life and adopt a new lifestyle. I'll just need to endure for a few more weeks!Ryanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11041400829868136940noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32774737.post-34225639610552025442009-07-05T23:09:00.004+08:002009-07-05T23:51:25.827+08:00The LetterIt was not a normal Friday.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjERwpbqx7LzJ1uu0F89CHFWnwtLp_9aoIKGlhsQ_GZVL1N_8FBSW8p-HAa4u-HLwH_84MiVM2nyZUYgs1rKeJO-45cHA-ES8LKAWXoPNw68YpsW3nkIPQc937ykHYT12gafQ4pAw/s1600-h/2133pm(24).jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 382px; height: 400px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjERwpbqx7LzJ1uu0F89CHFWnwtLp_9aoIKGlhsQ_GZVL1N_8FBSW8p-HAa4u-HLwH_84MiVM2nyZUYgs1rKeJO-45cHA-ES8LKAWXoPNw68YpsW3nkIPQc937ykHYT12gafQ4pAw/s400/2133pm(24).jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5355003293855815298" border="0" /></a>Early morning I went in to the office, telling myself:"This is it! I'm gonna do it today!" Then I was thinking about if I should do it early morning or later before I leave the office. I chose the latter. So since morning, I told myself to be calm and steady. I have made the decision and it should be the best decision for me for now.<br /><br />Clock's ticking. While I was worrying what and how it would be, lunch time suddenly arrived and I went to have lunch with a few colleagues. Pretending it is a normal Friday afternoon, we chatted and talked about how crazy our works can be and how busy we will be in the coming months. It's as if we have nothing more to talk about. How shameful!<br /><br />After lunch, we went back to the office. Once I sat down in my seat, I could not concentrate. My mind was thinking about the "how should I do it" and "what it will be". But I forced myself to do something. Even simple thing like drawing some diagrams and write some notes here and there.<br /><br />The letter has been printed out earlier in the morning. It's hidden in the drawer under my table. Occasionally, I took it out and read again. Fearing I might have mis-spelled or written something stupid. But the letter is fine. It's written one month ago. But I updated the date. So it is fine. It should be fine.<br /><br />I put it back into the drawer and waited again.<br /><br />Trying to get my attention away from the how and what, I put on my headphone and listen to some music. It did help a bit. I continued working and chatting with colleagues and friends online.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjv-is7FmZzHWiyT0RhyQ5smMUNAcpK8FkVz7Cbej68RoV3U_Aq902Tlng85UJtgdH99KNHJcuJLhZTjlb_A91KxRCViY-GhgRypk1LN4zWBDce_ofzpe1ynBPpl-M7_muT7SrMdg/s1600-h/0903-3-25MA24161566-0088.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 300px; height: 400px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjv-is7FmZzHWiyT0RhyQ5smMUNAcpK8FkVz7Cbej68RoV3U_Aq902Tlng85UJtgdH99KNHJcuJLhZTjlb_A91KxRCViY-GhgRypk1LN4zWBDce_ofzpe1ynBPpl-M7_muT7SrMdg/s400/0903-3-25MA24161566-0088.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5355003291951927154" border="0" /></a>And then the time has come. I took out the letter fold it, took a very deep breath, stood up and walked towards to my supervisor.<br /><br />Me: Hi, can I have a minute with you!<br />Supervisor: Yeah sure. Hold on, let me finish reading this email.<br /><br />I took a seat and waited for him. When he's done he looked at me.<br /><br />Supervisor: Yeah, so what's it?<br />Me: I have really thought through it and I am going to resign.<br /><br />I handed over the letter to him. I could see my hand trembling!<br /><br />We had around 1 and a half hour conversation after that. But that didn't make me change my mind though. I am glad it turned out to be ok. No nasty fight or awkward situation arose. Though he did throw me with some challenging questions trying to make me feel that I need to re-consider my decision. But I guess I had already made the final decision for myself.<br /><br />I actually felt relieved. It's like after a long time, I have finally done something which I feel is right. At least at that moment, I could feel that I have actually achieved something.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiPRJFklMwJ4MV1E9SeV_ukYs4h6gyYgvFZVuoUJIYhbT3JwXrkW1fag5-Xn454pm6Ueq3AwwQSYyEDI4FdVMRuYyGrQ4o_H2wbLlNd9-wxQWjDs0fNjVwF2l5QK5675htO4Mx2mg/s1600-h/51.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 267px; height: 400px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiPRJFklMwJ4MV1E9SeV_ukYs4h6gyYgvFZVuoUJIYhbT3JwXrkW1fag5-Xn454pm6Ueq3AwwQSYyEDI4FdVMRuYyGrQ4o_H2wbLlNd9-wxQWjDs0fNjVwF2l5QK5675htO4Mx2mg/s400/51.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5355004149179139730" border="0" /></a>So I did it. What's done, is done. No time for regret now. Not sure how the future will be, but I can actually feel that I am walking out of the darkness and I am seeing the future with a heart full of hopes...Ryanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11041400829868136940noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32774737.post-16900622140652410782009-06-18T23:06:00.005+08:002009-06-19T00:14:34.444+08:00To Change Or Not To Change (Part 2)After more than a half year, I actually ask myself this question again : To change or not to change? Last year end, I post an <a href="http://beautifulmale.blogspot.com/2008/11/to-change-or-not-to-change.html">entry</a> asking myself the same question. I was bored then with the job and have the sudden thought of getting away from the company and explore new opportunities. And now, I asked myself the same question again because I was so stressed for the past few weeks that it affects my health. As I mentioned in my previous post, wanting to make a change, I actually applied for a new job in a few companies and went for several interviews.<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEidydHFctROVBVnE23eVrv6CEbtyFDQGKj6tPG1V8LxT1wfeh__brd6ihDLDKqQAOc2khfdmXxDdPos93LtCEvvLMdmROrmQn9iMI9MTQM8BJXgVDWK67uprCCKBqIA0AE6p5knSA/s1600-h/brian+newman+15.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 308px; height: 400px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEidydHFctROVBVnE23eVrv6CEbtyFDQGKj6tPG1V8LxT1wfeh__brd6ihDLDKqQAOc2khfdmXxDdPos93LtCEvvLMdmROrmQn9iMI9MTQM8BJXgVDWK67uprCCKBqIA0AE6p5knSA/s400/brian+newman+15.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5348698707693950930" border="0" /></a>Been to three companies for technical test and interviews. As at now, two companies actually offered me a position in their company. One is in Subang and another one is in Tropicana. After much consideration, I kindly declined the offer from the company in Subang. Now I am still considering this company in Tropicana.<br /><br />The package offered is fairly interesting. But I need to work shift every two weeks from 4pm to 1am to provide support to foreign countries. Though I got to work from home during that two weeks and there will be additional allowance for working shift, I am not sure if I will ever enjoy that kind of working lifestyle. Yes, I will get the flexibility of time where I can enjoy spending time with my parents during the day where I no need to work, but I'll have to be working from 4pm to 1am when all my friends will be resting and perhaps partying after their working hours.<br /><br />My another concern would be working from home. I don't think I am that discipline. Working from home has never been a good idea for me. Too many distraction at home. Watching TV, the bed, the piano, the books, the porn, the whole lot of things can distract me from work! Unless I am a very discipline person where I can concentrate on working and not distracted by other thing. It'll be just IMPOSSIBLE!<br /><br />OK, I don't know about that, but that's what I think. And it would be a risk to give up my current job and give this new one a try!<br /><br />My other concern would be whether I am technically strong enough to work for this company. They are using this new java technology which I hardly has any experience of using it. And during the interview, there's a lot of questions asked by the interviewer that I could not answer. Surprisingly the next day, the HR staff of the company called me and say they are going to offer me the position applied. What the... She said I did not fail the technical test and also commented that I have no problem in communicating so I am a good candidate to provide support to customers in foreign countries.<br /><br />Oh well, good in communicating does not mean that I am good in providing support technically! >.< <a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj2cPsGTYI6n9lnUrkIgH7mooX3fihTA4bpb_5ghFhKSGyJ2IG6becfP6pHtIqgzQHpD8F0EJ7OILSZXzwyoH8KsutYrSonNaEI-4sbeVoVQiU9mewf4pLTVrHPk3-bCPhp6_xnpQ/s1600-h/48c57d21751ae.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 270px; height: 400px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj2cPsGTYI6n9lnUrkIgH7mooX3fihTA4bpb_5ghFhKSGyJ2IG6becfP6pHtIqgzQHpD8F0EJ7OILSZXzwyoH8KsutYrSonNaEI-4sbeVoVQiU9mewf4pLTVrHPk3-bCPhp6_xnpQ/s400/48c57d21751ae.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5348698714728506658" border="0" /></a><br />So if I were to join this company, I'll have to improve a hell lot technically. I was told that there will be a team lead to guide me. But I wonder how will the team lead guide me if I were to be working from home for the two weeks? Meaning to say, the team lead will also work from home and we will be communicating through internet?<br /><br />And then what would be my future career? Working as a programmer and developer, will I ever got a chance to be in management? Where will I ever want to be? I still not sure!<br /><br />Looking back at my current company, what I don't like is their management. And the supervisor, I just can't get enough of complaining about him. His management, his indecisiveness, his ever changing and unclear instructions... all that jazz are driving me crazy. But I now have two more members to work with me. Although they have not yet realize how frustrating to work on this project and to work under this supervisor, I guess sooner or later they will experience whatever I have experienced.<br /><br />Another thing I don't like about my current company is that we are gonna use some old ancient programming language to develop a system, which is not good for me if I were to plan to excel in the programming world.<br /><br />Reason for me to stay would be the colleagues, whom I started to enjoy working with though some of them also very frustrated with this project. Another reason would be the two new team members who are under my guidance and supervision. I pity them. Why? First, they are gonna do something they don't like to do. Second, a lot of things they don't know, and I cannot provide the answers. Because me myself also unsure. I am not ready to be the team lead yet. Not in such a big project. I am lack of business knowledge and technically I am not that strong. Me myself need a senior to guide me. And obviously, the current supervisor, is not a good senior.<br /><br />What other good would it be to stay in this company? I am being trained to be a business analyst. Will I ever be a good business analyst? I doubt so. Why? Because I am not properly trained. I am just thrown with a piece of assignment and the what, where, when, how and which will have to figure out by myself. And the funny thing is, whatever I submitted are not reviewed by my supervisor. How will I ever know whether I am right or wrong? How can I ever improved?<br /><br />Sigh.<br /><br />But I have bee working in this company for almost four years. I have got used to a lot of things. Colleagues, the admin, the working style and all other small small matters... the thought of adapting into a new environment also can be scary. Not sure how the colleagues in the new company will be. Are they as friendly as the colleague I have now? How will the working environment be? Will the team lead as bad as my current supervisor? All these uncertainties are also driving me insane.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiCcRt6CINBP4jayQAiLuOs4bXj7yePpB06SUw-WHZKxlK0IBUO6_nAhKqWPjuqhf9YSDe9fd_Sc6Z6Y9UgWA-2Os_xCRF-6z24VvfYHzB3dHZDC82cGICJBpKB5l-OOxx0Er4_KA/s1600-h/!cid_1_937091276@web63312_mail_re1_yahoo.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 304px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiCcRt6CINBP4jayQAiLuOs4bXj7yePpB06SUw-WHZKxlK0IBUO6_nAhKqWPjuqhf9YSDe9fd_Sc6Z6Y9UgWA-2Os_xCRF-6z24VvfYHzB3dHZDC82cGICJBpKB5l-OOxx0Er4_KA/s400/!cid_1_937091276@web63312_mail_re1_yahoo.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5348701301449225650" border="0" /></a>To change or not to change, I really need more time to consider.Ryanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11041400829868136940noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32774737.post-19560470199637915572009-06-15T21:37:00.002+08:002009-06-15T22:46:04.498+08:00Shake It OffLike a bird failing to control its wing, I'm falling down and down and down... and I hope by now, I have reached the ground. And here I am, still standing, after going through depression, the numbness, the every morning vomit session, the hatred, the anxiety, the unsatisfactory, the anger and even the disappointment or despair...<br /><br />And I remember someone said: After the storm, eventually, the rainbow will appear.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZRr94BH7ofckp1LBjh1rdZ0H45BjPrtmHI0tVflIZEyBPNysJF-IDPrRq6x6IyFlIAhK07YU4_ooPx7TCFOIzHOAjw5wlP203ht1269sipEKCVYMQRhmX2CcRTGNJX8pBOXy3Xg/s1600-h/4996777327e9c.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 266px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZRr94BH7ofckp1LBjh1rdZ0H45BjPrtmHI0tVflIZEyBPNysJF-IDPrRq6x6IyFlIAhK07YU4_ooPx7TCFOIzHOAjw5wlP203ht1269sipEKCVYMQRhmX2CcRTGNJX8pBOXy3Xg/s400/4996777327e9c.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5347565489861675234" border="0" /></a>I still believe in that. But I am not experiencing it yet. Maybe the storm is not over yet? I don't know. One thing I do know is that I am tired of everything already. Even tired of trying to change. So I practiced the "Don't care about anything" attitude for quite awhile now, which made me hate myself even more, and yet I managed to convince myself that it is ok to act this way. I can be a bitch!<br /><br />Last whole week I have no idea what I have been doing in the office. Hardly deliver anything. As if I care. I still did not see any sign of the supervisor reviewing my document. Never mind. If he didn't ask anything or comment anything, I'll assume everything is alright. Last minute want to change, then I'll take my own sweet time to change.<br /><br />Hating about this current job, I actually went job hunting. So Saturday morning, I went for a second interview with a company in Subang. And guess what? I have been offered the job! But I am still considering whether to accept the job offer. And then that Saturday afternoon, I chatted with a colleague and we griped for hours together about how we hate about the current situation and all that jazz.<br /><br />And I enjoyed my weekend never thinking about my job or whatever need to be done. I manage to browse the youtube and came across this following hot hot clips:<br /><br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/UXdtfXAlKtQ&hl=en&fs=1&"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/UXdtfXAlKtQ&hl=en&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /><br />HOT ASS! HOT ASS! HOT ASS!<br /><br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/3dOgT9BXKtE&hl=en&fs=1&"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/3dOgT9BXKtE&hl=en&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /><br />That is so fucking HOT! SEXY! And STIMULATING!<br /><br />Today, I am on leave. Morning went for another job interview. Though the company is a US-based company, probably has better welfare, but after the interview, I don't find myself suitable to work there. Never mind. Not really into it though.<br /><br />After attending four interviews with three companies, I actually know myself better. What I want, what I am good at, what I am looking for in a job and what I really good at and not good at... all become so obvious that I suddenly feel like I am re-learning my own-self.<br /><br />And then I re-look into my current job situation. Yeah, it is still bad with the same problems and undone jobs. But I guess it would be the same to have to struggle in a new company and to stay in this company to learn new things. Perhaps staying in the current company has more advantages as I have colleagues who I know well to work with (even though the not-so-good supervisor will still be driving me crazy).<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjv19yuwEAm8rvKP2ljXlhzp0e_B_I_SEIAfKqybgPGtjoAx42DyQmXCwRdhMDcQ-YcbGB0EMActNBx1yvp3iVXP1L721h8YwnuK2ertyyo4ygIBy4E6SiFhIs2WYMHexg6CQQyew/s1600-h/philip-fusco-261.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 300px; height: 400px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjv19yuwEAm8rvKP2ljXlhzp0e_B_I_SEIAfKqybgPGtjoAx42DyQmXCwRdhMDcQ-YcbGB0EMActNBx1yvp3iVXP1L721h8YwnuK2ertyyo4ygIBy4E6SiFhIs2WYMHexg6CQQyew/s400/philip-fusco-261.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5347565493094902146" border="0" /></a>Tomorrow onwards, I'll be working in a new office in Cyberjaya. Bye Bye to KL the happening city. I am still working in the same company though. Just that will be working in the office in Cyberjaya. Perhaps it is a good thing. New office new environment. Maybe I should take this chance to start everything anew.<br /><br />For all those bad experience and negativity, I'll have to just shake it off!Ryanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11041400829868136940noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32774737.post-49761706513509415512009-06-02T21:49:00.006+08:002009-10-17T21:23:15.850+08:00These DaysI was sleepy this morning. For the past few weeks, I have been feeling restless and weak. I guess all these are expected. Waking up in fear until I feel nausea. So nausea that I actually vomit, though nothing come out from my mouth. I actually took one day off and went to consult the doctor. The doctor said I am over-stressed. So stressed up that my stomach produces too much acid which caused me to feel nausea and wanna vomit. Just great! He gave me some medicine to reduce the production of acid in my stomach. Those pills make me sleepy! Hate it!<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgTfqZSLoN73-fprWj8QVae8UCvP9-ymRKn1Tycn6KFYhP2DkrhroH9nCz_aGNP_ZRjWSHnhL160LMIGO9kOpDYAD8wmfLSKZVVz4u3S6v4VlvcQRZsId5ddH0oQ83uvTfhU_Krhw/s1600-h/2008_035.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 275px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgTfqZSLoN73-fprWj8QVae8UCvP9-ymRKn1Tycn6KFYhP2DkrhroH9nCz_aGNP_ZRjWSHnhL160LMIGO9kOpDYAD8wmfLSKZVVz4u3S6v4VlvcQRZsId5ddH0oQ83uvTfhU_Krhw/s400/2008_035.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5342737490031501458" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;">~~~~~~~~~~xxx~~~~~~~~~~<br /></div><br />There was one morning I was walking from the car park to my office. There were two colleagues standing at the lobby going out somewhere to meet customer. One of them saw me and said:"Why you look like a zombie?! You even walk like a zombie!"<br /><br />"Oh really? Sorry I took some medicines and feeling sleepy now." I walked off nonchalantly.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;">~~~~~~~~~~xxx~~~~~~~~~~<br /></div><br />There was this afternoon during lunch time, I was feeling weak and again stressful. Everybody happily chit-chatting with each other. I sat aside listening to their stories trying to fit in. Eventually I felt tired and rest my head on the table to take a nap. In the restaurant, yes!<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;">~~~~~~~~~~xxx~~~~~~~~~~<br /></div><br />My appraisal last week did not go well. I don't think I have a good increment this year. A few things that I remember during my appraisal:<br /><br />Supervisor : So what do you feel about joining this new project?<br />Me : I am not enjoying.<br />Supervisor : Why?<br />Me : Well, I feel that I have had too much things to handle and the workloads are over-whelming. I feel stressful and I think that I cannot cope. There are too many things that I need to know and yet after all these months, I feel like I know nothing.<br />Supervisor : Well, I understand there are many things to learn. Just take one step at a time. This is a learning process. It will be challenging. Just learn whatever you can and as time goes by, you'll be able to bring all the pieces together.<br />Me : But I lost my motivation already. And I don't think I am interested in doing whatever I need to do already.<br />Supervisor : Motivation? Well it's up to you. You like to read, right? Maybe you can find some motivational book to read? Or go for a motivational talk or seminar to be motivated. Or you can sing or do whatever you like.<br />Me : Okay. But I don't think I am interested in doing this work. When I am not interested, there's no motivation. Eventually, I couldn't get the job satisfaction I need.<br />Supervisor : What do you mean you are not interested? Well, it's curiosity. Don't you curious how certain thing works or processed? When people ask you about this processing and you can answer, don't you feel proud?<br />Me : Not really lo. I don't see it that way.<br />Supervisor : Well, maybe you are an art person la. Like to sing, play piano. But since you can be good in technical also, I think it will be an advantage for you to have an extra skill-set.<br />Me : Yeah, maybe.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgD040yX3p7WkTpBiaDWMLlFuLK-3WpAjcZPyZWFhC6JPoonehfvb9VbmlFRP_IvALMhIaLRWhBLnHWU9ChZA3ixYjqy3Ixa_qMnNw7IC1IQEq_pnWyonrr9xd5LbjFro4id3cwug/s1600-h/bsF155.JPG"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 254px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgD040yX3p7WkTpBiaDWMLlFuLK-3WpAjcZPyZWFhC6JPoonehfvb9VbmlFRP_IvALMhIaLRWhBLnHWU9ChZA3ixYjqy3Ixa_qMnNw7IC1IQEq_pnWyonrr9xd5LbjFro4id3cwug/s400/bsF155.JPG" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5342737485078737090" border="0" /></a><br /><div style="text-align: center;">~~~~~~~~~~xxx~~~~~~~~~~<br /></div><br />Today afternoon after lunch time, the supervisor suddenly asked me to go into his room.<br /><br />Me : Yes, anything?<br />Supervisor : Somebody told me that you are very stressed.<br />Me : Yes, I am! I thought I told you during appraisal.<br />Supervisor : Don't be stressed lo! Try to release stress by taking one or two days off. To clear your mind and refresh yourself.<br />Me : I tried. In fact I applied one day leave last week Monday but I canceled it last minute. Because I cannot stay put at home. I keep on thinking about how to solve the problem and I cannot rest at home. I could not even enjoy my weekend. I even come to office and work during the weekend because I cannot settle down at home. I worried I cannot finish the job on time. And I have spent 2 weeks on solving this problem. And I am still having no idea how to solve.<br />Supervisor : OK, maybe you can call that person to help you out a little. I am not sure if he knows. But you can try call him up. At least he can give you some ideas. But don't stress lo. Remember to do small but grow big. Start doing the small thing first, then slowly slowly expand lo.<br />Me : Yes, that's what I did now. I am trying to solve this small thing for 2 weeks and still no output. How?! I could not even bring myself to think about what else need to be done after this. Because I know I would be stressed up again.<br />Supervisor : OK, no worry! I'll help you to look into it later. But don't stress up lo. When you stress you can do nothing.<br />Me : Yeah I know. I am trying to cope with my stress.<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhJ-QvY-YjWGJeun9HTm2UHNc1jC_lyInoajvAV8xdgpo_c_v_Hjfvl67Hx_0lBCm_Qr2OlYv9nR9BWWcpjpNliKZUmMaFyl4UTT-hl5pi1EvyN1-k6R667PcQr-mM54bPWZqM1DQ/s1600-h/brock+harris+3.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 280px; height: 400px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhJ-QvY-YjWGJeun9HTm2UHNc1jC_lyInoajvAV8xdgpo_c_v_Hjfvl67Hx_0lBCm_Qr2OlYv9nR9BWWcpjpNliKZUmMaFyl4UTT-hl5pi1EvyN1-k6R667PcQr-mM54bPWZqM1DQ/s400/brock+harris+3.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5342737492934542658" border="0" /></a><br /><div style="text-align: center;">~~~~~~~~~~xxx~~~~~~~~~~<br /></div><br />Last Sunday night I drank vodka at home while online chatting with some friends. I was so high that I kept on laughing which chatting. And talk something stupid shit like "I love my job so much!", "I like my supervisor! He is very capable and handsome!", "I want to smile whole day1", "I am living in heaven!"... All my friends think I was so over-stressed that I talked non-sense!<br /><br />The next day Monday, I also have the same behaviour when chatting online. Asking people to "Yam Seng!!" with me! Hahahaha... I actually feel happier, even though I know I am acting crazy. I mean, I pretend to be "high and happy", better than being down and out.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;">~~~~~~~~~~xxx~~~~~~~~~~<br /></div>Ryanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11041400829868136940noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32774737.post-11161399960864597622009-05-14T22:07:00.004+08:002009-05-14T22:42:02.744+08:00Life Goes OnAnother emo-post this will be.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgo5Dfl362LyEquReKdy8YAjHICfINc8XKkYVvZzfV69cYOU14_dqoyjoRTWOpJUxTzflVFbAzFcFB_i2q2g5ytxYMlGf2zP2cGo-_23Qu1onjqcIVZWWdpTKTBJ1Epk3puLxMOuA/s1600-h/Jared+P4.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgo5Dfl362LyEquReKdy8YAjHICfINc8XKkYVvZzfV69cYOU14_dqoyjoRTWOpJUxTzflVFbAzFcFB_i2q2g5ytxYMlGf2zP2cGo-_23Qu1onjqcIVZWWdpTKTBJ1Epk3puLxMOuA/s400/Jared+P4.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5335689563679016978" border="0" /></a>As much as I hate about me being cynical and forever-complaining kind of person, I still have to write this down to at least pour out the negative energies I have within myself.<br /><br />Life, especially working life has not been treating well these days. In fact, for quite a long time. It started with the hatred towards the project I am working on and of course the supervisor who had given me a lot more burden and stresses which basically brought me to a nervous breakdown recently.<br /><br />And now even seeing his face, or even hearing his voice from afar would make me feel sick and stressed out. Enough about him. Don't even wanna think about him.<br /><br />So last week, I had a vervous breakdown. Luckily I did not pull out the knife and cut my wrist to commit suicide or something like that. Committing suicide has always been considered a stupid act in my mind. I mean life is precious and it is stupid to kill it just for the current tormenting period. However, I still need to go through such tragedic period of my life. I know I can choose to go through it with a happy heart instead of griping and griping endlessly. Unfortunately, it is just too difficult when everything just doesn't go your way every minute, every second.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiVm6VhN6LFhbamwyo5gWCV8PomBo_h69qw7zDVuuabdYT7YgjjyTpUoVQ819JEx71FR4jA4CiZ1AaqlVreu4TX6KQ6HVYS_m_h1ipX1_1uWHEOv_ytQedyHmWoMRnG5cEFMmoJsA/s1600-h/mario+face.0.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 292px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiVm6VhN6LFhbamwyo5gWCV8PomBo_h69qw7zDVuuabdYT7YgjjyTpUoVQ819JEx71FR4jA4CiZ1AaqlVreu4TX6KQ6HVYS_m_h1ipX1_1uWHEOv_ytQedyHmWoMRnG5cEFMmoJsA/s400/mario+face.0.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5335689565586280530" border="0" /></a>Realizing that I have not been happy and under great amount of stresses since early this year, I guess I have come to a stage where I really cannot take it anymore. So the thought of resignation appearred in my mind. Yeah, that's it! I have had enough and I need to make some changes. If resigning will ever make me happier, that's all I will do. So on that one particular night, I actually thought about resigning and how that whole thing will lead me too. And to think about what job I will have after this actually make me feel calmer and hopeful. I guess it's because I no need to think about my work and for one moment, those burden and stresses have been taken off my shoulder, and I could actually feel peace within myself.<br /><br />Sadly, the next day I woke up and I still have to go through all the traumas and unfortunate events of my life. And it was a DISASTER!<br /><br />Not wanting to rush into the decision of quitting this job and run away from challenges, I basically endured for last few days of my stay in pakistan until I go back to pakistan to discuss it with my family. I was too heat up with the thought of this project which leading me to depression. This supervisor was not good in supervising. Other than blaming the exterior factor that brought me so much miseries, I also blamed myself for being such dumb and useless person who knows nothing much about banking system. It's because the lack of knowledge and experience, I need to struggle to learn and understand the whole thing while documenting some processes which I can hardly understand.<br /><br />In addition, writing meeting minutes was also a very challenging task for me because I could hardly understand what they were discussing. Part of it of course was because of the limited business knowledge I am possessing. Another part is because the users spoke in Urdu languange among themselves. Amazingly, my supervisor could guess what they were talking about (because he know those business terms they used) and I was left there knowing nothing at all what was going on. So everyday I went back to my accomodation, I always have hard time writing minutes. And I always have to spend hours to figure out myself to at least come out with something to be written in the meeting minutes and send to my supervisor for review.<br /><br />I guess these whole things make me feel worse about myself. Of course, I could hardly get any job satisfaction.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgCzcgGjr9bfs8SUOiTMWU1R68DjOb5fg4lbuNtLmyIGYDLWYzqSXrh_VQjhWV7WkzGwucoY2-lAg4HMt8viJLmNs0pP1_n02_tA6cWJ1ar26sirUhwheGcKleOSCVGoGanRVeZzw/s1600-h/351917657_c2bce4880f.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 300px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgCzcgGjr9bfs8SUOiTMWU1R68DjOb5fg4lbuNtLmyIGYDLWYzqSXrh_VQjhWV7WkzGwucoY2-lAg4HMt8viJLmNs0pP1_n02_tA6cWJ1ar26sirUhwheGcKleOSCVGoGanRVeZzw/s400/351917657_c2bce4880f.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5335689565447807442" border="0" /></a>So after back in Malaysia, I spent some times talking with mom and senior friends. Some said I should stay, some said just hop to another company. Ultimately, it's up to me to make the decision. Knowing the current situation out there, I should stay in this company and continue working on this project. But my instinct told me to move on to another company. Gosh, where does this instinct even coming from?!<br /><br />But I feel better when I am in Malaysia. Maybe there are friends and family here which keep me company and I will always have someone to talk to. However, I lost my passion in working. I used to be afraid of going to office. Every morning I'll fear for the challenges that I need to face everyday. But now, I don't give a damn anymore. It's like every morning, though I hate the fact I still need to go office and face whatever I need to face, I basically have no fear, no interest, no motivation or what-so-ever. I just go to office with the thought of leaving this company soon. Even though deep down inside I know I won't simply resign, having the thought of leaving this company soon give me a sense of peacefulness and hopes. So I still go to office.<br /><br />But I am no longer that cheerful and motivated person I used to be. My can basically feel my face without smile. I guess my colleagues and even the supervisor noticed that I am not happy. But I don't fucking give a damn. I know this is not good. Showing your true emotion and unmotivated attitude doesn't help you add points in your performance. But I just don't care anymore. I was hurt, indirectly. I was badly injured, mentally. And I had been 'altered'.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi8g1kb-av4NsbkACoQ1SgOfFLcvBBlVJFMU1sIJILE47uiOuqqt_XVC5iU5QHLC6JqX57vz62ZjCUDWNWw0Cc0knvF8b-IkFWrJkLZ2JIgbwJTKPYsYy4ESSnno-Rah8j9pbtLDA/s1600-h/397MA16787940-0016.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 377px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi8g1kb-av4NsbkACoQ1SgOfFLcvBBlVJFMU1sIJILE47uiOuqqt_XVC5iU5QHLC6JqX57vz62ZjCUDWNWw0Cc0knvF8b-IkFWrJkLZ2JIgbwJTKPYsYy4ESSnno-Rah8j9pbtLDA/s400/397MA16787940-0016.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5335689563338906946" border="0" /></a>I am so unhappy that I don't even look at my supervisor in the eyes. And today, for a long long time, I leave the office at 6:15pm (I normally worked till 8pm or later). I never asked the supervisor if there's anything that I need to do or attend to. And he saw me walking out of the door. I just don't give a fucking damn.<br /><br />Amazingly, I don't hate myself for being a jerk. And when I reached home, my parents were shocked I got home so early. They just welcomed me home and I had dinner with them. Again, it has been such a long time since I last had dinner with them. Guess this is what I really wanted. To be able to come home and have dinner with family. Spend some times with them and enjoy your personal time at home.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEipoO8exjZJC6-Dt1RLC_NEp3KJ0quDa6sABJuorqaz2SLJW6lRcMi0BFZtl4NjK8RxPf8Ws3xv_OAA94MmoYxSULzL2ytktciEf6YlhTMSnfzj7w8UXjYpIKS-ZwyFer0Jb9jbKg/s1600-h/max+04.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 315px; height: 400px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEipoO8exjZJC6-Dt1RLC_NEp3KJ0quDa6sABJuorqaz2SLJW6lRcMi0BFZtl4NjK8RxPf8Ws3xv_OAA94MmoYxSULzL2ytktciEf6YlhTMSnfzj7w8UXjYpIKS-ZwyFer0Jb9jbKg/s400/max+04.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5335689570303852450" border="0" /></a>Though tomorrow will never die, at least I know what I want in life and will make some efforts to achieve it. Now it's still early to say anything. I'll take one step at a time. I need time to cool off myself and also find back my motivation to work. Life goes on. And I need to go on too...Ryanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11041400829868136940noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32774737.post-18236892899677640132009-05-01T12:57:00.005+08:002009-05-02T23:22:05.605+08:00Ain't MisbehavingOne week spent in Karachi. Another week to go. Taking a deep breath, I should endure for another week. Hopefully the time will fly even faster for this coming days! You know, I felt like I am taking a long deep breath before I drown into the deep ocean to find something, before I can re-surface to catch another breath of fresh air. That will be when I am back in Malaysia.<br /><br />In my previous post, I was happy. But as expected, situation get worse when the real work get started. However, I managed to cope. And as I have expected what is coming, I am more prepared. So I was not hurt that badly. Though yesterday I almost couldn't take it and would want to breakdown and just cry my heart out. Fortunately, I managed to chat with some of my friends over the internet and I found some comforts there. At least, I have someone to talk to and to pour out the negative feelings and energies out of me. And yes, I felt better after that. Friends are so important when we are in need.<br /><br />And I felt blessed actually to be able to talk to them. Normally I won't have the opportunity to talk to them when I am in Pakistan. Why?<br /><br />Well, yesterday is special. There was a riot in Karachi city yesterday and more than 30 people were killed and more people were seriously injured - Bad Time! Hence, we were asked to leave the office and go back to the hotel and stay there until further notice - Good Time! Well, we still need to work in the hotel (apparently there's a meeting room in the hotel which we can use to work), but I had the internet access to chat with my friends there. You probably might wonder why couldn't I chat over the internet in the office. Because the stupid office do not have internet access. Stupid! Even if they have, I won't have time to chat. I will be in the meeting listening and taking minutes. If not meeting, I will be busy writing documents. So yesterday was special.<br /><br />And actually I felt really stressed up yesterday morning. Since early morning the supervisor was pouring me with tonnes of workloads that I should finish this up by this date and settle that one by that date. Great! And I was not feeling well, actually. The feelings of over-stressed hit me again, till I felt tensed and nausea. Then the news of riot arrived, and we were still in the meeting which was held for four fucking hours! After the meeting, we immediately head back to our hotel and settled there.<br /><br />That's when I saw a few friends online and started to chat with them with my supervisor sitting in front of me. Ah, as if I care! So we were exchanging our traumatic experiences working overseas (I also have colleagues who are working in another country), and start cursing and griping and complaining! Hahaha... I started to realize I used a lot of bad words when talking to them. We were so stressed and felt that we are treated unfairly that we need to curse with those vulgar words. As if by saying those words, the negativity within us will be pulled out. And yes, we felt better indeed after that. We sounded crazy but we understood why we behave in a way that we should not behave. We were "unbalance"! Simple as that!<br /><br />The fun part was I was cursing and cursing in front of the supervisor and he didn't know anything. Bwahahaha... I was basically "front-stabing"! Who said I am kind and innocent?<br /><br />I know I know. Cursing and griping is fucking annoying! But if that's how I will feel better and at least feel less stress and less tensed, that's what I am gonna do. Until I find a better way to release my stresses and tensions.<br /><br />For I am officially a fucked-up man, who you don't want to mess up with!Ryanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11041400829868136940noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32774737.post-79130398257008552122009-04-26T18:01:00.005+08:002009-04-26T22:03:20.337+08:00Enjoying The NowIt has been 4 days I am away from home to the far away land named Karachi. Unexpectedly, I am feeling ok. In fact, it is better than okay. I can say, most of the time, I am enjoying. Enjoying the luxuries in a 5-star hotel. And as for work, I guess it'll be alright. Well, the real thing will start next week, which is tomorrow. So I can only prepare for the worst, and hope for the best. After all, I had given my best to finish off whatever I need to do when I was in Malaysia.<br /><br />Surprisingly, even my supervisor was a bit enjoying his moment and not as tensed as he used to be. Or maybe we started to get along well after working together for a few months. At least I understand him more and know how to communicate with him. And guess what, he even asked me to go swimming after work yesterday. After that, we went to enjoy the jacuzzi, steam bath and also relaxing in the special room equipped with comfortable seats and a large wide screen LCD TV. We lied ourselves in the seats and enjoy reading newspaper and watching National Geography or Discovery channels. Late at night, we went out for dinner and talked a bit. Most of the things we talked about were work-unrelated. Great!<br /><br />And last night, before I went to bed and sleep, I watched the "Sunday Night Project" (it used to be Friday Night Project) featuring Lily Allen as the guest host and really enjoyed every single bit of it. For a long long time, I really laughed out loud while watching that comedy show.<br /><br />And this morning, I woke up pretty early and start surfing. Mostly browsing through facebook to see if I could find any eye-candies. Unfortunately, it was a waste of time. No hunk or hot guys to be found. Disappointed, I went to take shower and took my free breakfast in the restaurant located at the ground floor in the hotel. I ate a lot, certainly. When I am in a good mood, I tend to eat a lot more than usual. And chatted a bit with my colleagues who were there on the same project. And yes, my supervisor was there too.<br /><br />After the breakfast, my supervisor asked me to join him play snooker! I was like OMG~! I really have no idea how to play snooker!!! And I have never, I mean NEVER, played snooker before. However, I still responded him non-chalantly with :"Sure! Let's go!". I regretted immediately and thought how stupid I was.<br /><br />Having no choice, I tried to play. But the good thing is, the supervisor was very patient in teaching me how to play. Your hand should put like this, and that hand must be firm, your hand should build a bridge for the stick... bla bla bla. Frankly, I did not want to play snooker. And I didn't like to play snooker. I mean, come on, do I ever look like a sport man?! That is so NO. You ask me to sing, to read, to play piano, I am fine with all of that. But don't ask me about sports. Ping pong, badminton, basketball, football... whatever. NO NO NO!<br /><br />However, I still did my best and learn to play. And guess what, I only managed to score two balls into the hole (whatever you call it) on the snooker table. And I was sweating. Yet, the supervisor played like a pro. I guess he got bored of playing with me since I am so totally not his competitor. No challenge, no fun! So after two round of games, he called it off and we went back to our room. I was so glad. Hopefully this is the first time, and also the last time he asked me to play snooker with him. :P<br /><br />And guess what, I have the whole Sunday afternoon for myself. To be a bit productive, I spent an hour and a half to read up some documents. After that, I enjoyed reading the newspaper and watch an episode of "Brothers & Sisters". Gosh, I like this. In a luxury hotel room with a laptop and internet connection, I guess that's all I need to enjoy myself.<br /><br />And then around 5pm, we went to visit our colleagues who are staying in a guest house. And we were served with chapati for dinner. And tell you what, in the guest house, there are two cooks! And the cooks are young and HOT! One of them is even hunky! Gosh, I couldn't stop ogling at him. His huge arms, tight shirt showing his huge pecs! Irresistible! Yummy yummy! And they are a good cook! The chapati they prepared were delicious! I even took a photo with both of them. How can I not, right?! Hopefully next time I got to stay in the guest house and be served by the hot hunk every day. Bwahahahaha...<br /><br />Hmm... tomorrow will be Monday. I guess it will be the beginning of a very busy and hectic week. Anyway, I'll worry about that tomorrow. For now, I am going to enjoy every single moment of the present. Enjoy it to the fullest! For now is the best moment I have in a long long time.<br /><br /><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-style: italic;">*Note : No hunky photos for this post as I am in Karachi and I did not have those hunky photos with me.</span></span> :-(Ryanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11041400829868136940noreply@blogger.com3