The Beauty of Male

Old Man Getting Old

2011-06-29T23:53:00.011+08:00

Dad hasn't been feeling well lately. I cannot recall how many times he paid visits to the clinic over the past few months. But it seems like a lot of times. Just over the past two days, he visited the clinic twice. I believe he is having digestion problem which causes him to have bloating stomach. His stomach contains so much gas that he could hardly fall asleep. And yesterday he felt nauseous and dizzy for the whole day. He has no appetite to eat anything. No quality sleep and now no appetite to eat? How could he possibly recover from anything?!

My father is old. I am reminded once again when the doctor asked me how old is my father. Sixty-one. Yes, not like ancient old but old enough to be a grandfather if he is ever that lucky. Apparently not. Like I said, watching him being sick is not good. I remember last time when he was sick, he would just take a day off and rest. The next day he will be back to his normal self. Nothing to worry about. But recently, I noticed he needs to take awhile to recover. An obvious sign that he is getting old.

And me being the son, I suddenly feel kinda lost. I have no idea how to take care of my dad. While he is being sick, I can just watch and bring him whatever he needs: water, food, medicines etc. Sometime I even feel kinda annoyed and irritated, which followed by guiltiness and shamefulness for being an unfilial son. Now I know how difficult it is to take care of a sick patient. The constant groaning of discomfort is good enough to have you frowned.

I guess I have got to learn to take care of my parents from now on. They are really getting old. They will definitely need more assistance than they used to. Meanwhile, I will also have to find more ways to keep them as healthy as possible. It's just tormenting to see them fall sick. Right now, I pray earnestly that my dad will recover soon.

Un(Forgive & Forget)

2011-06-25T16:28:00.011+08:00

"Not you again?!"

I am actually surprised I can hate someone so much that every time I see this person I could feel the hatred within me so strong that I just want to get this person out of my sight, out of my mind. And being the Facebook addict, I can't help but always (unintentionally) see his face popping up here and there whenever he post something. Of course, I don't simply hate a person. He did hurt me before. Therefore I hate him. Why and how he hurt me? Well, there'll be another story.

Anyway, lately I also realized that not only did I hate him, I also kinda detest those who related to him or befriended him. Yes, I know that's very unfair to those people. And I know I am not supposed to be like that and I hate myself for being like that. But that's just the things I noticed about myself lately. I mean, he is such a badass. Why would anyone befriended him?! So I assumed that those who befriended him are either badasses as well, or, they haven't known his true colour. Oh I am such a mean, evil person, I know!

Sometime I tell myself maybe I should forgive him and forget what he did to me. Hahaha… I am laughing at myself for writing this sentence. I reckon even if time heals the pain, but the scars will still remain. He will always remind me of the scar which has been imprinted permanently in my heart. I might not feel the pain, nor hate him as much as the time goes by, but time can never erase the memory I have about him. Unless of course, I lost my memory or something like that.

As long as I remember, I am sorry to say, I cannot forgive, nor forget. I won't revenge, nor treated him badly. But don't expect me to be nice and friendly to this person. Oh, suddenly I feel like I am the badass!

Suck It Up Like A Man

2011-04-29T08:10:00.001+08:00

I walked into the room, nervously. Not sure if I could handle it. But I told myself everything's gonna be alright. "Come on, this is not my the time.", I told myself.

I pushed the door open. Everyone was looking at me. They were there earlier. Waiting for someone or something. Obviously my sudden entrance caught their attention. They were staring at me, as if I'm an alien from Mars. For awhile, I felt totally uncomfortable. I took a deep breath, ignoring the stares, and scanning the whole room to look for a spot for me. Getting all the tools I needed, I found an empty space and waited. Oh, the aircond did not cool down the heat they released. Some of them were sweaty, others are looking forward to be sweaty. I am still being watched and examined. "Be confident! You can do it!", I motivated myself.

Eventually they looked away, as though they have had enough of me, and started looking for the next prey. Suddenly I've become one of them. Someone entered the room, and we looked, we examined, we stopped, and waited for the next 'victim'. Until the instructor finally came in, started the music and we were all sent to hell, and suffer!

"Not too light for this workout! Put more weight!!", yelled the hunky man on the stage. And all of us were so obedient we did what we were told. Surely, we were all willingly to be the slave.

"Stay with me! Stay with me! Yeah! You know you want it!", screamed the hunky instructor with music blasting so loud in the room. Sweat dripping down from my head, to my face, to my neck, to my body. Somehow, all of us endured the pain, feeling the muscle harden and harden. Occasionally, we groaned, unsure if it's due to the pain or the ecstasy. The temperature never stop rising!

"Yeah! Feel the pain! Take it slow! Hold it there! One more! One more! You're almost there!"

Carrying the weight, I need to keep my mind away from the excruciating pain that constantly persuading me to give up. But no, I must not give up. I gotta be a hot man by 30 years old, a pledge that I've made to myself. I'm already here. It's a matter of win or lose. And I must win.

And so I focus on the screaming of the instructor. Not only that, watching every inches of his muscle flex does help to keep my mind away from the pain. His intermittent flirtatious wink and smile (though not to me) did somehow help to get me through each challenging workout. Luckily I wasn't turn on enough to have a big bulge between my legs.

"Good Job! That's a great workout!"

At the end of the class, we can feel every group of our muscle are screaming in ecstasy. Can almost feel they are begging for more! And for today, my triceps are loving the extra weight I added. I could feel the satisfaction. Imagining the pain is making the muscle growing and growing. Ah, suddenly the pain doesn't matter anymore!

Touching every muscles I have worked on today, I could feel the heat from them. And I know, the pain is worthwhile. Like they all say, no pain no gain. If you want to be hot, you've gotta suck the pain up like a man!

He's Just Not That Into You

2011-04-22T21:24:00.007+08:00

No, I wasn't gonna talk about that book. Nor about the movie. Though I did watch half of the movie. Yes first half of the movie. Why? It was because I watched the movie late at night. And then I felt really sleepy. So I stopped watching and never continue since then.

Anyway, I guess I had just tasted the bitterness of "he's just not that into you". Well, the thing is I know this guy through Facebook. He has quite a good look though he is not that hunky. We exchanged a few messages and he kept complimenting how cute I was and stuff like that. Being flattered, I told him he is good-looking too (as he really is). And finally I asked if he wanna hang out sometime. He said :"Sure. But no contact how to hang out." So I gave him my number and requested him to send me an SMS with his name in it so I can have his contact too.

I waited. And waited. Anticipating a response from him. After a day, I never received the SMS, nor a reply in Facebook message. I got frustrated. And keep asking myself :"Should I send him another message? Will I sound desperate?" Or maybe he was busy. Maybe he didn't check his Facebook inbox. Maybe he sent the SMS to the wrong number? I double-checked the number I sent to him. It's the correct number. Then why isn't he sent me the SMS? Why didn't he response?

And my anxiousness suddenly reminded me of the movie I watched the other day - He's Just Not That Into You. Yeah, the lady waited for a few days for the sweet-talker to return the call. But he never did. Poor that lady. And now that happened to me. Oh, you know what, that sucks! However, I guess that's part of the game, right?! Like it or not, you won't always get the guy you like.

Guess I have to, again, move on.

The Annoying Indecisiveness

2011-04-13T22:51:00.001+08:00

Did you ever have this moment where you really do not know what you really want to do? There are many options and choices for you to choose over but you just couldn't pick one and really do it. Well, I believe many people have that kind of situation. But it seems like recently, that happened to me, a lot. As a matter of fact, I don't like it.

Take a weekend afternoon for an example.

I was like, hmm..., maybe I could make myself a cup of tea and read the magazine. That sounds very enjoyable. And then another thought interrupted: How about playing the piano? I have a few pieces to practice and now seems like a good time. While busy choosing between the two options, I was busy facebook-ing, browsing the latest "news-feed" busy-bodying over people's interesting (or matter-of-factly uninteresting) life or comment or post. And then another idea pop in: maybe I should watch a movie. I have a few movies that I have yet to watch, such as The King's Speech, The Black Swan, Burlesque and so on. And then another inner voice of me suddenly objected and said :"Watching a movie will simply kill few hours of time. You should do something more meaningful and valuable for that few hours." OK, what am I suppose to do which are meaningful and valuable? Cleaning my own bedroom? Oh, help mom sweep the floor? Oh, weekend is suppose to relax and enjoy yourself. Maybe I should just catch up with my drama series. But I have so many series. Which one should I choose? Again, while my head is busy choosing which drama to watch, facebook kept updating me with my friends' "latest news" I eventually forgot that I should pick one drama series and watch. At the end, I did nothing. The only thing I remember I was doing is busy deciding what to do (which happened only in my head) while busy facebook-ing.

Referring to the dictionary, indecisive means (of a person) not having or showing the ability to make decisions quickly and effectively. Oh yes, that's so me in that case!

How come?! Since when I become such an indecisive person and basically wasted the whole afternoon just like that. I could've done something more satisfying. Gosh, even watching a movie could be satisfying. A good movie, I mean. At least a good movie can be inspiring, entertaining or touching. Better than me busy deciding and in the end, nothing. Vain. Void. Urgh, the unproductiveness, the unfruitfulness, and the emptiness are so frustrating that they could be a pain in the ass. (Oops, how come it sounds a bit salah (wrong) here?!)

In fact, I noticed not only me having this problem. For example, during lunch time, my colleagues and I always have problem choosing where to eat and what to eat. Same goes with dinner, family members always having trouble deciding where to dine.

Is it because we have too many options or choices, and that requires a lot of our efforts to choose, to weigh the values for each option, to filter those bad choices, and to re-evaluate all the remaining options we have and choose again. The process of choosing can be so daunting and tedious that we eventually give up and walk away. Leaving things where they are, hoping everything will turn out right. Yes, we walk away and hope for someone who will eventually make a decision, or something will happen and leave us no choice but to choose that option, or just simply ignore it as it's not life-threatening anyway.

I started to think why am I having problem choosing or selecting something?

I think ultimately, I'm just afraid to choose because I don't have the courage to bear the consequences. What if the decision I make is wrong? If the decision is wrong, will I be able to make it right? Will I be able to face the consequences?

Oh yes, life can be harsh some times and the last thing you want to do is get yourself hurt again. So I'm always careful. So careful that sometime I think doing nothing is the best I could do. Having said that, when come to decision making, I've always consider whether or not I would be hurt, whether or not I will be happy and feel comfortable with it, whether or not I have the ability to deal with whatever that are coming after that. If I doubt it, automatically, I stop making decision. Put it on hold. KIV. Unfortunately, it seems like I am putting everything on hold and KIV that I ended up deciding nothing. Hence, doing nothing but procrastinating. It's pathetic, I know!

Perhaps having no choice would be easier. That way, I think I will be much more productive. I remember during school time, I could finish a lot of home-works assigned by the teacher. I'm still amazed by how I could finish all the exercises for so many subjects that we learnt in school. Oh yes, everyone has no choice but to finish them all and submit the next day to be marked by the teacher. Wait a minute, there's choice, either do your home-works or being punished in front of all your classmates by the teacher the next day. But most of us would not choose the latter.

Maybe I shouldn't be too hard on myself. Just simply choose anything and just fucking do it. Yeah, just fucking do it and stick to it until I finish it. I think some time I worried too much and I ended up doing nothing. Yeah, like the weekend afternoon, I should've just pick one choice and stick to it and finished it. Let's say I choose to play piano, I should just don't care about other option and fucking play for at least 2 hours until I got my hands exhausted. Then I can stop and choose another one, say read magazine. I should just throw all the other available options behind my head and just fucking enjoy reading the magazine. After all, it's just to spend a weekend afternoon. Not like making life-changing decision. Guess I've made everything looks difficult and complicated.

Of course, when dealing with life-changing issues, I should be more serious in making the right decision. But I guess for small matter, when there are too many options, just simply choose one and do it. Stick to it and finish it. If it turns out bad, just learn from the mistake and don't do it anymore. Yeah, if you like it, you know you'll do it again and again. That's part of the learning process when we live our life, right?! I think so.

Oh crap, just another rambling post! At least I stick to it and fucking finish writing this.

Sometimes It Hurts Instead

2011-04-02T02:00:00.002+08:00

They said in order to kill the pain, first you have to acknowledge the pain and make peace with it. So I am acknowledging it now by writing it down. Guess this is probably one of the most difficult entry I made for this blog. I could feel as if my heart is bleeding while I am typing this. Once in a while I'll put my hand on the chest, hoping the warmth of my hand would somehow provide the comfort I needed for myself. And I take a deep breath, trying to forget everything that was so sweet that it hurts even more now.

I wanted to forget the first day I met him.

I wanted to forget his shyness and sweet sweet smile.

I wanted to forget the warmth I felt when he was sitting next to me.

I wanted to forget the words that he had said to me.

I wanted to forget every other nights talking and laughing with him over the phone.

I wanted to forget the text messages and greetings he sent to me.

I wanted to forget every other things that he said and done...

But,

Only to find myself remembering them all over again.

No, we weren't lovers. We were two individuals searching for someone to love. And we thought there's a possibility between us. And so we tried. Somehow, things didn't work out. Love is gone, pain and sorrow seep in, at least that's what happened for me.

And so I started to hate.

I hate the fact that I didn't know how he really felt when we were trying to be together.

I hate the fact that I was given the cold shoulder instead of talking things out or be honest with me when he gave up on us.

I hate the fact that I was declined to meet face to face to have the one last talk.

I hate the fact that I was treated like a stranger every time we meet again though we said we will be friends.

I hate the fact that I have to see him again some time.

And so I hate...

Just when I barely recover from this heart-break, he has to bring another huge news: He found somebody new and everyone knows it!

No, I am not blaming him for finding someone new. He has every right to do so. But I hate the fact that he did not manage to keep it to himself (or themselves) but made such a big-entry and made everyone raises their eye-brows, which eventually put me into a very awkward situation. When everyone asking and teasing him about his new-found love, what am I suppose to do? How am I supposed to feel? How am I suppose to react?

Oh I smiled. Yes, I smiled. When everybody interrogating him about his new love, I smiled. And I turned to somewhere else trying to hide my pain. I could feel the heat all over my face and it was in red. I could also feel the barely-recovered-wound being cut open again. And It hurts every time my heart beats. Oh how my heart bleeds! The hurt and pain was so great that I almost felt suffocated. And yet, I tried to smile, laugh even. No tear. No cry. I fucking smiled. And then, I felt numb. I remember that day I was driving home after that, listening to Adele's album, wanting to cry, but there's no tears. That feeling was miserable!

Luckily, everybody there doesn't seem to know our past. Everybody thought we were just friends. Things would have been worse if everyone knew we were trying to be together.

Love has once again break my heart.

Love has once again bring me disappointment and despair.

Love has once again throw me into the deep darken valley of sorrow.

Love has once again bring me down...

Having nobody to talk to nor find comforts in... that sucks! I am so amazed by how cold and harsh the world can be that it always have a way to break you and make you fall.

And so I allowed myself to dwell in the hurt and pain for the past few days. Remembering or thinking about all the "glory days" and "could have" and "what ifs". Before I fall into deep depression, I guess now it's time to take a step back, take a deep breath and stand up again. Consider this a lesson learnt.

I've learnt that I should keep an open mind for any relationship.

I've learnt that it's better to start from being friends first, instead of rushing into anything further.

I've learnt that sometime feelings need to be expressed and conveyed clearly.

I've learnt that sometime heart-to-heart, face-to-face talk is crucial.

I've learnt that I cannot be too submissive.

I've learnt that I must know myself better, in order to be better and better.

For that, I am thankful for the lesson and the experience. Though it still hurts, I strongly believe time will ease the pain. No, I don't hate him anymore. He's just another soul looking for love like I do. Like one of my friend said:"In any relationship, someone will get hurt.". Guess I am the unlucky one then.

Casting away all the fears and pain, letting go all the sadness and sorrow, I am gonna get over it and move on. Believing that tomorrow is a brighter and better day. I shall be strong. Please, keep me strong.

The following song is the song I keep listening and singing for the past few days. This song somehow manages to describe how I feel at this moment of my life. Beautiful song, really.

I heard that you're settled down,
That you found a girl and you're married now,
I heard that your dreams came true,
Guess she gave you things I didn't give to you,
Old friend, why are you so shy?
Ain't like you to hold back or hide from the light,

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited,
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it,
I had hoped you'd see my face,
And that you'd be reminded that for me it isn't over,

Nevermind, I'll find someone like you,
I wish nothing but the best for you, too,
Don't forget me, I beg,
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love,
But sometimes it hurts instead,"
Sometimes it lasts in love,
But sometimes it hurts instead, yeah,

You know how the time flies,
Only yesterday was the time of our lives,
We were born and raised in a summer haze,
Bound by the surprise of our glory days,

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited,
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it,
I had hoped you'd see my face,
And that you'd be reminded that for me it isn't over,

Nevermind, I'll find someone like you,
I wish nothing but the best for you, too,
Don't forget me, I beg,
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love,
But sometimes it hurts instead,"

Nothing compares,
No worries or cares,
Regrets and mistakes, they're memories made,
Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?

Nevermind, I'll find someone like you,
I wish nothing but the best for you,
Don't forget me, I beg,
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love,
But sometimes it hurts instead,"

Nevermind, I'll find someone like you,
I wish nothing but the best for you, too,
Don't forget me, I beg,
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love,
But sometimes it hurts instead,"
Sometimes it lasts in love,
But sometimes it hurts instead.

It's hard for me to say... Hi?

2011-01-21T00:07:00.001+08:00

I didn't even have the gut to say Hi! What's wrong with me? I hate myself.

I think I am beginning to lose my people skill and slowly become anti social. I blame my job which requires me to work in office/home without the need to meet client or attend meeting regularly. Gradually, my people skill start to deteriorate and I can't even say Hi to a not-so-complete stranger. Yes, it is that serious!

Well, you see! I was at the gym as usual to attend my favourite gym class. Well there are reasons to why I call it my 'favourite' class. Part of it is of course, I love to dance. I am easily attracted to exercising which requires me to shake my bon bon and do some sexy moves. Another reason, is because the instructor is cute. Oh yay! So cute!

I forgot since when I know him. When I say know, in this case, I mean I know his existence. We're not friends (yet) and we've never talked before. But I can vividly remember it was about 3 to 4 years ago. Met him at the gym of course, he was teaching hip hop class I guess. And I was a fresh graduate who just got a gym membership trying to get use to the gym classes. So I attended his class a few times. But due to work and all, I rarely go gym that time. By the time I finished work, normally it's too late or I felt tired. So I wasted a lot on my gym membership then. Hahaha...

Anyway, I changed job and the fitness centre I joined opened a new branch near my house. I got to go to the gym more often nowadays. And what make things better is that my favourite instructor is conducting classes regularly there too. Expectedly, I try to attend his class as frequent as I can.

One day after finishing his class I went to the changing room to take shower and change. After taking shower, I went back to my locker, trying to put on my clothes. Then he, the cute instructor, walked towards me. I could feel my heart was racing. "Why is he walking towards me? He recognized me?" I kept asking stupid questions. He stopped besides me and unlock his locker. Oh, then I realized his locker was just beside me.

Minding my own business (putting on my clothes that was), I kept asking myself what should I do? Should I say Hi? Or should I not? What should I say? Hi? Hello? Or just smile? Or what? While busy figuring out the answers to my stupid questions, my eyes could not stop peeping at the cute instructor who was changing beside me. Of course I did not stare at him like a pervert. But yes, I did take a peek at his well-shaped body! I mean, come on, cute guy with a great body, who doesn't want a look (or appreciated)?

I didn't know what I was doing (luckily no drooling) and by the time I came back to my senses, I had already put on my clothes, packed up my gym bag and unwilling stepped away and got out of the changing room. Urgh, I hate myself. Then I told myself, next time if I got the chance, I should say Hi!

And the opportunity came again the following week, I was trying to made up my hair when he suddenly came out of nowhere and took up the hair-dryer beside me to dry his hair. I was so shocked and panicked that I quickly got my hair done, packed up my gym bag and stepped out of the changing room as if I saw an alien. I immediately regretted after that.

Seriously, he is just a cute instructor who I was trying to befriend with and yet I can be so freaking shy and panicked that I cannot keep my cool and act normal. I can already imagine when I see a cute hot guy and/or a potential boyfriend kinda guy, I think I would run away or jump into the sea before they could approach me.

And you ask me why I am still single?

My Kind of Midlife Crisis

2011-01-10T00:52:00.002+08:00

Still remember I posted a status message on Facebook that read something like this :"Mid-life crisis?!"

Yes it was a question mark. Because I am not so sure. What is midlife crisis actually? Where you are getting old and have lotsa problems? Problems like struggling to take care of your parents whose health are obviously deteriorating and also the children who are growing faster than you thought and all the troubles they would bring. And yet, you find yourself pathetically struggling with your own life with your own problems without much achievement to prove yourself your are doing fine.

Oh well, if that is midlife crisis, then yes I would say I am almost there. Of course, being gay and still single, I don't have any children to worry over (which probably save me from most of the troubles already, as you would think). But unfortunately, not having children does give you some other troubles. The pressure from relatives and friends asking where is "the other half"? I could not always give the same answer like "still haven't found the right one", as they would enthusiastically introduce some fair maiden to match you up with. Luckily I have not come into those situation yet. But of course a lot of friends really offer me that kind of "match making service" which I kindly (some not very kindly) declined.

Of course that's not all. Since I am not dating, oh hold on, there's nothing to do with me dating or not. Because if I were to date someone, I think I couldn't let my parents nor my family know (as long as I am still hiding in the closet). Anyway, since I am not dating, I somehow ended up being the guardian angel of the parents. The duty of taking care of my parents fall heavily on my shoulder. Not that my siblings don't take care of them, but they could easily get away with reasons like "I need to go accompany my girlfriend" or "I need to go shopping with the hubby" and off they go. Not that I can't do the same, but being with my parents most of the time, I saw the sadness in their eyes when they know that their children couldn't spend some times to be with them.

So, being the single one, I have got to accompany them and keep them happy. And with my parents getting old, I can only see things are gonna be more difficult. For example, recently my mom accidentally slipped and fell down on the floor and hurt her right arms. She couldn't do most of her daily house chores as she is right-handed person. Being the one who work from home, I have to witness daily how she struggled to use her left arm instead to do all the work. Sometime she forgot and she use her right arm which make her feel apain. Even though now her right arms is getting better now, she will still feel a little sore when she use her right arms to do heavy work or carry heavy thing. Then my father has got his own health problem also which I am way too lazy to type and explain it here. Anyway, the parents are getting old and they need more assistance in doing everything.

Enough about parents. Look at myself, so what have I achieved so far? Thankfully I still got a job with steady income. Got a car which I still need to pay up the monthly installment for the next few years. Basically I still have the basic necessity. But having friends invite me over to their wedding dinner or house warming doesn't help seriously.

I can't recall exactly how many wedding dinner I have attended in year 2010. I am sure they are more than 6! Not that I hate people getting married or what, I am happy for those friends who finally found their true love and step into the next stage of their life. But it is taxing when a few wedding dinner happened in the same month. Just in December 2010, I have 4 wedding invitations! It doesn't help when you were seated on a table with all of them are couples. "Oh you come alone? Didn't bring your girlfriend or wife? Oh you're still single? How come?" I normally just smiled. Little did they know that those questions are like knives stabbing in my heart. As if being gay is easy. Oh please don't make me go touch that topic.

And lately I was invited to attend some friend's house warming too. Oh the landed property, the designer-designed studio suite, good enough to question myself why am I still staying under the same roof with my parents! People works so many years and they finally get their own house. Me? Just a car. Perhaps I should not compare myself with others. But looking at the joy of them having their own sanctuary make me envy them a lot. Like A LOT!

Oh well, everyone has their own problems. Just need to be optimistic and get those problem resolved one by one. I don't know what lies ahead for me in year 2011. I hope it's a good year. At least I got myself a great gift for the new year - MacBook Pro! And this entry is written using my new toy. Expect more entries on my blog this year.

Happy New Year 2011 everyone!

Languishing

2010-08-24T23:34:00.005+08:00

This is definitely one of those days that I could easily break down and cry for all the reasons I need to cry over. Knowing the fact that "Life can be a pain at the ass, so deal with it!", surprisingly I managed to not shed a tear, maybe not yet.

I was being 'hit' so hard that for one moment I felt numb and don't know how to react nor response. It's like being hit by a car when you least expected it and you lost all your senses. Yeah, I actually felt that way. Until I finally got back my senses, the pain was terribly hurting.

At time like this, I felt tired. Exhausted. It's like the whole world is tumbling down and I couldn't fucking give a damn anymore.

Apparently I am not good enough. I don't know how. Seriously, I really don't know how. After all these years, I thought I've been doing ok. Little did I know that I can be hated so badly that I almost doubted everything good about myself. And, I really don't know how.

Oh well, no one is perfect. I have my weaknesses and many areas to improve. I gotta keep trying to be better.

Somehow, I find comfort in the following song. Let me be emotional... at least for now...

If you could only see that I was not put here for you

To judge me and dispute my in most truth

And after all these years of enmity, envy and tears

It's a shame you don't know me at all

I was wondering

Would you cry for me

If I told you that I couldn't breath

If I was drowning, suffocating

If I told you that I couldn't breath

Those ageless buried recollections

We transform them and select them

You have yours, I have mine, that's fine

Why are we too torn to heal

Our stitches never disappear

I have mine, you have yours, I'm sure

I was wondering

Would you reach for me

If you saw that I was languishing

I was wondering

Would you cry for me

If I told you that I couldn't breath

If I was drowning, suffocating

If I told you that I couldn't breath

Grindr-ing

2010-06-23T23:07:00.005+08:00

And so I have bought an iPhone, like 2 months ago. Why suddenly buy? Part of it because of the annoyance from my brother who keep asking me to buy; Another part of it is I really wanted to test how 'smooth' apple product can be. I was told that iPhone never hang, the touch-screen is very sensitive and the responsiveness is superb; Of course, iPhone can download many application (or known as apps) that can keep the user entertained and never get bored. Oh yes, and one of the application I was, and still am dying to have my hand on is the gay-friendly application - Grindr!

And so it was Digi which suddenly came out with this iDigi plan for iPhone that successfully seduced me and I was so weak and desperate I fell for its "attractiveness" and "seduction". I swiped my credit card and am now bound to the iDigi plan for 2 years. It feels like I have had a one-night-stand and suddenly the girl (as if that would ever happen) got knocked-up. Suddenly I ter-kahwin (accidentally got married) and have to stuck with this girl for 2 years, luckily not forever! Damn, I was so desperate!

Back to the Grindr. I was first introduced during one of my friend's birthday party. Oh I was amazed by the convenience and easiness to get a "hook-up"! Fucked, it's really like an instant hook-up. It's so much better than the chatroom in gay.com or whatever profile you can put online. You can instantly know the nearest gay man available (or not) at your finger tips. Just open the app, grindr will scan and find the nearest gay man for you. Shit, for a single man like me, I MUST GET ONE! So that's what I thought. Expectedly, one of the first few apps that I downloaded when I have my iPhone in hand of course is Grindr. Setting up my profile and everything was done like in less than one minute?! Hahaha... And I wait. And wait. And wait. And... still waiting...

Too shy to initiate a conversation or what-so-ever. As if typing a word "Hi" would make me come out of the closet. So what I did was just browsing through the list with all those men photos displaying on my iPhone screen in full glory. Whoa, men men men! Yummy yummy yummy! Occasionally, I received an instant message with a simple "Hi" or "Hello", I would just "Hi" back or "Hello" back. Some just ended there, some followed by "Do you want your cock to be sucked?" or "Top or bottom?". I was like :"What the hell?!"

And days gone by. I did made some friends through grindr. Some are just chatting online. Some I added on facebook since they have it posted on the grindr. Amazingly, they accepted my friend request. Oh yes, some of them are HOT! Hahaha... I eventually braved enough to initiate a conversation when I see guys that I like. But sadly, some of them not are really responsive. Perhaps I'm not their type?! Guess that's part of the whole game, ya.

Another thing I like about grindr is that it makes me feel gay is everywhere. I used to think that gay men are very few in Malaysia. Like out of 100 people, there's only 1 man who is gay. But with grindr, it makes me feel differently. It's like everywhere we can find gay man. I mean the people who has iPhone (or other phone which support grindr), and have it installed in their phone and using actively, I already can feel gay man is everywhere. What about those who doesn't use grindr? I think gay population is getting bigger, no?! Hahaha...

Apart from getting to know more friends through grindr, I also like to observe the people on grindr. Some men change their photo, from showing only their face, to showing their face+shoulder, then half naked. Unfortunately no naked photo allowed on grindr. Else, will be banned. Hahaha... and to observe how far is this man from you. 1 mile? 2000 feet away or something. Oh I even get instant message from penang or even Thailand! How cool! And one thing I find it somewhat scary is that, there is this fella who stay like 800 feet away from me. Definitely a neighbour! Hahaha... I also noticed some people are having 2 iphones (or 2 phones which support grindr). Coz I saw two photos with the same person on my list. Hehehe...

Well, no matter how convenient it may be, I am still struggling to find my Mr Right. Grindr can be one way. But it's still full of people who only want one-night-stand, or just chat buddy, gym buddy or even food buddy. I have no objection to what they want. But when it comes to what I really want or need, I am not so sure if grindr is everything. Undoubtedly it gives me the convenience to get to know more gay men. In the end, it's still up to me to date someone and to see if he is my Prince Charming or not.

So, I'll continue grindr-ing. Wish me luck, ya!

The Begin After The End

2010-01-10T12:39:00.003+08:00

Happy New Year 2010!

I know it's already the 10th day of the new year, but I guess it's still early enough to wish anyone a very happy new year. Good wishes and loves are meant to be spread around. Hahaha...

I actually intent to revamp this blog. OK, not revamp. Maybe just to change the look and feel of this site. Just to have the feeling of 'new' or 're-new'. Apparently my attempt has, again, failed. I started with replacing the blog header photo with a photo which showing my not-as-sexy pecs. How daring I can be! Thought I should put something that show something about me on this blog. Too bad, my pecs is not as appealing as this current pecs shown in the blog header photo. At the end, I gave up changing and put back up this original photo.

I then tried to change the colour of the blog. I thought my blog is just dark. Not cheerful and somewhat depressing. So I thought I should get rid of the black colour background. I like blue. So I changed the background colour to dark blue and the text to light blue. Different blue for the link, the side border etc. However, it just doesn't feel right. Awkward and uncomfortable with the new look and feel. At the end, I changed everything back.

I guess I am not ready to change. Gosh, lack of flexibility and adaptability. A sign of aging? Or perhaps I don't have the good picture yet of how I want my new blog to be. Whatever! This reminded me of the status I have written my facebook few days ago that I started feel the lack of strength and ability to do those things I wish to do. Pretty annoying seriously!

Anyway, about the new year. Oh, it is great so far! I had a good time with ex-colleagues on the first day evening of the new year. We had a small gathering at my house and enjoyed every single moment laughing and chatting. It's been a long time since I last laughed out so loud that it hurt my throat! Hahaha...

Work wise... ok as well. I managed to cope well with the assignment and tasks given. Get along better now with the team members. Just need to put more efforts to build up trust between the team members and me. And I figured I need to be more disciplined. Sometime working from home is not a good idea for me. I tend to spend more time on surf net, chatting, watch drama and porn (yes I do) than working! Hahaha... Oh well, that's one of the 'welfare/benefit' of working in this company. I just need to constantly remind myself not to abuse the 'convenience' given and make sure I do my job and deliver whatever expected on time.

Health wise... I think I bulked up... on my belly! Damn it! I hate it! I want to bulk up on my pecs and arms and shoulders and ... definitely not my belly! But uuurrrggghhh... my belly just can't stop growing bigger! Guess I need to do more sit-ups and monitor my sitting posture! Yeah my sitting posture definitely is the main contribution to my big belly. I tend to hunch my back which eventually push my belly out front. =_='''

On the good side, I hit the gym more often than I used to. Been addicted to BodyPump class lately. Thanks to the gorgeous and hunky instructor. Of course, I initially attended the class just wanted to see he flex his muscles while doing those exercises. Gosh, I once chose a place right in front of him and I got to 'examine' his legs, thighs... (I wish I can go further up to the area between his legs), his biceps, triceps, pecs... Urgh... so 'motivating'! You bet I did a great work out in his class! The good thing is I really did a full body work out. OK, maybe almost full. The sad news is that now he seems not instructing the class anymore according to the new class schedule! Damn it! I hope this is just temporarily. He is my main motivation to hit the gym and work out!

Love or relationship... Hahaha... still single. How pathetic! But I guess I am ready for a relationship. I used to have a lot of concerns and too caught up with many things which I also not quite sure what they are. But now since I am more settled down and got to have a lot of time for myself, I guess I am more ready for a relationship. Just need to stop thinking about the negativity of having a relationship. The lost of freedom, the lack of personal space and time, the questions from friends and family about that special someone, the phobia of AIDS/HIV... Silly me!

About looking for boyfriend/partner, I used to have a very high expectation. He must have great personality, great sense of humour, hunky, ok-looking if not good-looking, can have a great intellectual conversation with me... I was basically looking for Mr. Perfect! Not that I didn't realize my unreasonable and stupid expectation, sub-consciously I guess I was hoping the fairy-tales I saw on TV will become reality. And sometime when I re-examined myself, I painfully found that I am not not as good as I expected myself to be. So who am I to deserve the Mr Perfect I thought I wanted to be with? Then, I will stop looking and thought I should improve myself to be a better person first. Hahaha... come to think of it, I am quite stupid in a way!

Oh well, it's new year. I don't quite agree with "new year new beginning". In fact, everything keeps on going. It's just me that choose to change something along the way on this so-called special moment of time, known as the end of year 2009 and the begin of year 2010. Whatever it is, I hope from this point onwards, things are getting better and better, for you and for me.

Good Bye, 2009!

2009-12-30T22:54:00.009+08:00

"Amazing Grace
How sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me..."

This song has been playing in my mind recently after watching a youtube clip about a choir singing this song in a church. The choral arrangement was superb by Eriks Esenvalds. It gives me goosebumps especially when the melody is transposed from one key to another. It really feels like I have been lifted by the song higher and higher.

It is the end of the year, how can I not write something here. Probably my last entry for the year 2009. Forget about reflection or new year resolution. I have had enough looking back dwelling into those bitter-sweet memories or looking forward to see what I want to achieve in the next year or years after that. The past few years I have learned that I tend to dream a lot but never seriously take any action into making my dreams come true. Or perhaps I dreamt too big. Always a greedy man who wants so much more than he actually deserves. I am destined to fail.

However, I would still like to write down something I want to remember. At least to conclude the year 2009 for my own.

The year 2009 started with me being very busy. Overwhelmed by works with new challenges. I remember I never really enjoyed my Chinese New Year. I was too caught up by the project in Pakistan. Although I had taken leave for CNY holiday, I did not really enjoy the holiday as I was too worry about my job.

Things got worse. Not only the pressure from work, the incompetent supervisor drove me crazy. I still remember the appraisal, which was the worst ever in my 3 years+ working experience. I also remember the conversation we had when he wanna check on me after hearing someone said I was over-stressed. Thinking about it make me laugh. Which is good. At least I can now laugh about it.

I guess two third of the year 2009 I was occupied with work and work and work only. Everything was about work. I hit the bottom ground when I felt nausea every morning when I woke up due to over-stressed. I remember I went to consult the doctor and he said my stomach produced too much acid. I have no idea over-stressed can cause stomach to produce so much acid until I feel like vomit. That's when I have the thought of giving up.

The term "Giving Up" is so negative then. I told my mom I could not take it anymore and that I wanted to resign. It's not easy to convince my mom that I should resign. For them, young people should not give up. We should overcome whatever challenges we faced. That's how we grow stronger and wiser. I couldn't agree more with her then. I even blamed myself for being so weak and fragile. And so I endured.At the end, I still gave up! Or to make it sound better, I resign to get a better job with better pay. And most importantly, to work for a better supervisor. :P

And so I joined the new company in September. Gosh my life changed totally, for the better, of course! Not only are those colleagues friendly and helpful, the team lead is great! I really enjoyed working there! I am motivated. My contribution is recognized and appreciated. I gained job satisfaction. Not only that, I no longer need to work like a cheap slave. I can leave office on time. Unlike last time, I think I worked at least 12 hours a day! Now, I work 8 hours only! And like any other colleagues, I got to work from home 2 days a week. Best!

I can really feel I am getting happier. Life is getting better and better since then. I think it can only gets better. After all, I had hit the bottom ground. I may have started the year 2009 with worries and hecticness, but I am surely ending the year with a smile on my face. If you ask me what I did in year 2009, I would say I make a very good decision : Resigned and found a new fantastic job!

"...I once was lost
But now I'm found
I was blind
But now I see..."

Keep On Singing My Song

2009-11-30T22:06:00.001+08:00

I was watching the first few episodes of "The Vampire Diary" yesterday and already got addicted to the series. Not only because of the two hunky vampires, but also the storyline and one of the vampire write journal too. Just like how we write our entry and post it on our blog.

It was something about this girl, Elena, has said that make me wanna write this entry. Well, in the series, she has lost both her parents and still in the midst of getting over with the sadness and sorrow. I can't really recall the exact phrase that she said. But what I can remember was that she is trying to be happy but she also scared. Scared that for one moment when she is happy and suddenly one tragedic event will crash down everything.

I guess I can relate myself to that situation. Constantly living in fear and insecurities had made me the person I don't really want to be. Funny as it may sound. In fact, I know it's a matter of choice and taking action on to what you have chosen or determined to do. But I guess, consciously or subconsciously, I have chosen to let insecurities to control my level of happiness and to be who I really am.

I have hell lotsa people telling me I am being stupid and wasting my time. I listened and am pretty well-aware. Perhaps I have never tried enough. Or, it's always easier to say than to do. Never the less, I have to still keep on trying. Taking one step at a time. To do things at my own pace. To be more happy. To be more alive.

Don't get me wrong, though! I am pretty much happier than I was. It's just that deep down inside, there's always this piece of me, which generating this negative energy that sometime overtakes my mind. And I can't help, most of the time, to think back and see where I was from. As looking forward, it's unbearable for me to think about the insecurities and uncertainties that are lying ahead. It's way too easy for me to say "Come what may...". For sure, I am not saying it nonchalantly. Normally, after saying that, I'll just stop my mind from going further. Denial.

I think counting the blessings is what I need to do more often these days, especially at the end of the year.

Lost Concentration

2009-10-23T23:14:00.004+08:00

I think I have lost my concentration. I am not sure since when, but it surely has been a long while.

I find myself very difficult to do thing. Even just one simple thing. For example today, I was trying to understand the codes in a program, at the same time I was thinking maybe I should try to finish my case study first. At the end, I only managed to study like 30% of the codes.

Later on, when I was trying to write some SQL queries (IT database term, you don't wanna know :P) to verify something, then I thought maybe I should study and practice on other thing to prepare myself for the coming training in the company. As a result, I need to ask my colleague to discuss with me on the SQL queries to keep myself focus on the SQL queries and not other thing.

And not only for work, when I was driving, I couldn't help myself trying to avoid to get into any car accident. Sometime when I drove over some stones or got into some holes on the road and it cause stupid noise on my car, I would panic and thought if I had drove over anyone or any animals. The I'll keep looking at the rear-view mirror to see if anything happened at the back while trying very hard to concentrate on the front. Sometime I even drove back to the place where I heard the noise just to reconfirm nothing happened. =_='''

At night before I sleep, when I was trying to read the novel, I would asked myself maybe I should go sleep already as tomorrow need to wake up early. Or maybe I should play some soothing music. Or maybe I should watch drama series instead. At the end, I only read a few pages and sleep.

I blame this on "multi-tasking"! Yep, I think I was over-multi-tasking. My brain couldn't stop running multiple processes concurrently. If only one process is running, it will auto trigger another available process to run so it won't waste resource and time. Unfortunately, my brain is not intelligent enough to estimate the resources required for a process to run. So when all processes are run concurrently and pulling all the resources (which in this case is my concentration), the whole system lag, and eventually hang! Deadlock! Whatever! At the end, everything stop! Like computer, at this point, it need to be rebooted. :P

Yup, I blame on multi-tasking too much last time. I gotta stop this. Else, I would achieve nothing.

p/s: While I was typing this entry, my mind was thinking about maybe I should just go google and search "How To Concentrate". Luckily I managed to finish this entry. :P

Heartache Tonight

2009-10-17T21:50:00.006+08:00

I was at the Desa Park City Water Front Park shopping just now with my parents. And I saw him. And this time, he was with a girl. His hand was over her shoulder. They were walking towards my direction. I pretend to scratch my forehead to cover my face when they passed me by. I don't know why. What I do know is that I was disappointed, heartbroken and sad.

Deep in my heart, I really wish that girl is just her sister or something. But I am tired of guessing already. Too many maybes and whatifs . More than two years already. Everytime I see him, my heart would beat faster. He never fail to take my breath away.

I remember how I rushed to the KTM KL Sentral to catch the train hoping to stumble upon him in the train; I remember I stood behind him observing him while he was busy reading; I remember him in a polo shirt carrying a luggage not sure if he was going for a vacation; I remember I saw him in Pavilion carrying a bag looking for someone when I was having coffee in Starbuck with family; I also saw him in Desa Park City twice. Each and every time, he took my breath away.

I can't help laughing at my stupidity and craziness. I actually hoped and wished to have a chance to be with this guy (not knowing if he's gay or not) for fucking 2 years. And the funny thing was I never even fucking have the gut to go after him and ask him out! Stupid! Stupid kind of pursuit of happiness.

Haih... never mind. Wish him well. I need to get over this. Taking a deep breath, I need some good sentimental music to take me far far away from this reality... at least for tonight.

I was a boy

2009-09-21T18:22:00.008+08:00

I was cleaning my room this afternoon when I found a piece of manuscript paper slipped in between my bags at the end of my bed. I took it out and realized that it was a poem written on that paper. Not sure if it was written by me or I copied from somewhere. But definitely long long time ago. Else I would have remembered if the poem was written by me or not.

Since I normally will post those poems I wrote on the internet (in my blog, friendster, facebook etc), I then went online to search those sites to clarify if it was a poem written by myself. After surfing through some sites, I actually stopped at one of my old blog and found an entry which brought me back to one of those days when I was crazily in love with a friend (Yes, straight and now married).

We used to text each other so often that some times I thought we were, you know, in a relationship. Hahahaha... We text about anything. I remember I was in a park and saw a turtle swimming in the pool, and I just sms him and saying that I saw that turtle and it maks me feel great. And I remember some time, we will just sms each other just to greet good night before we head to bed. Little did I know, to him, it was just merely a good gesture to a very good friend. Obviously I thought it was different.

So sometime, when I messaged him and he never replied, I would feel terrible. Wondering what happened and what went wrong. He got tired of me or he didn't receive my sms. Then I would need to scold myself that he has no obligation to reply my sms. And sometime he replied late either he was busy or his phone was running out of credit. But I remember those days. Looking back, I find myself so innocent and naive that I can't help laughing at my stupidity.

Well, there was this one time when I did not receive sms from him and I used to recite this poem written by Tagore to console myself :

If thou speakest not
I will fill my heart with thy silence and endure it.
I will keep still and wait like the night
with starry vigil and its head bent low with patience.
The morning will surely come, the darkness will vanish,
and thy voice pour down in golden streams
breaking through the sky.
Then thy words will take wings in songs
from every one of my birds' nests,
and thy melodies will break forth in flowers
in all my forest groves.

~ Rabindranath Tagore

It was actually a very beautiful poem. Who knows how long I reread this poem within my heart while waiting to receive his sms, or never did. Hahaha... It was one of those days, that I thought I was deeply in love, but only on my own.

Hahaha... what a naive young boy I was!

I AM THE MAN

2009-08-31T22:05:00.003+08:00

Yesterday I felt like "I AM THE MAN!!"

I am not talking about being dominant or being top in bed, you pervert! I am talking about being a person who people can count on to and depend on. Maybe I am still not putting the words right. Anyway, that doesn't matter! The point is, I felt like "I AM THE MAN!" Hahaha...

So what happened?

In the morning, I made myself baked butter cake for the family. I basically forced myself. :P You see, I am a very lazy person! Baking a cake is very tedious! Imagine the flour, the sugar the eggs! I would've messed up the whole kitchen! Anyway, I managed to drag myself out of the bedroom and start baking a cake! And yes, I made it!

However, I didn't get to try my 'product' until today afternoon during tea time. And guess what?! It was not as tasty as I expect! Very dry and tasteless. Must be not enough sugar! And I blame the poor quality flour! Bwahahaha...

Anyway, my family still 'bagi muka' (tolerate) and finished one of the whole cake. Now only left another half. I guess they are just too hungry that they do not mind eating this poor quality cake. As for me, I eat only two slices and complaint like hell! Cannot! Must try to bake another time!

Then in the evening, I went shopping with the family. I had promised my sister to buy her a dress for her coming ROM. Yes, she is getting married soon. Gonna register next week and I think the wedding will be held 2 years later. :P We went to a shop. Forgot the name! And we chose some white dresses to let sister to try. Hmm... I think she tried 5 or 6 dresses. Then we finally decide to buy the one that we like most. A classic white dress with lace. And my sister looks elegantly gorgeous in it! Spent a few hundreds for the dress plus the white scarf!

Imagine when I took out my credit card from my wallet and passed it to the cashier, letting her swipe the card! Urgh...! I can feel my wallet is bleeding! Hahaha... The cashier even made me sign! Urgh! But come to think of it, it's for my sister! I should be glad! And yes, the sister was totally delighted. She even planted a kiss on my cheek for that gorgeous white dress! I bet the husband was jealous! Wakaka...

After that we went to have dinner in a Japanese Restaurant! The sister's future husband 'belanja'! Yay!

We later went to buy TV. Yes, the TV at home got burned yesterday. Actually that TV had been used for more than 10 years. And through out the years, daddy had sent it for repair a few times already. So I guess it is time to change a new one. Beside, the brother had been urging me to buy a new LCD TV. He said, with LCD TV, we can watch those movies we downloaded from the internet. But I know he wants to have the LCD TV so that he can play his games on the big wide screen!

Anyway, since the TV got burned, I guess it's fate that we need a new TV for home. So we walk into the shop (again forgot what name, BEST something...) and were amazed by those TVs on display. I have to admit I know nothing about TV. So, I let the brother and sister's beau to pick one. They finally pointed to the Panasonic 42" plasma TV. Alright, after telling the promoter our selected TV, I went to the cashier counter, took out my credit card again and let the cashier swipe! Urgh, again, wallet bleeding! But this one I am gonna pay by instalment! I am not that rich yet! :P

I was being consoled with the free gifts : A panasonic digital camera, a 2GB SD ram and also a RM300 voucher. I directly request to deduct the RM300 for the TV we bought and luckily it's acceptable! :D So the TV is cheaper by RM300. Yay!

Living for 20 over years, this is the first time, I ever bought such expensive stuff. And it is for the family. I feel proud! Walking out of the shop, I held my mom's hand, asking her happy or not! Of course, she said yes!

When we got home, the brother and the sister's future husband were busying installing the TV. Once done, the whole family sitting in the living enjoying the Astro with the newly-bought plasma TV. At that moment, I feel so contend. I feel very thankful! Daddy must have been proud of me as well! Finally, I can contribute something to my home.

Most importantly, I feel like "I AM THE MAN!!"

Working in the Faraway Land

2009-07-19T21:12:00.005+08:00

It used to be a deserted place. So isolated and neglected. But I spent four years of tertiary education in this place called Cyberjaya. Little did I know then that, someday, I will be back here to work.

Yeah, in case you do not know, I have been working in Cyberjaya for 1 month now. The company has bought a new office in this place just because of the MSC status. Yeah, whatever! :P So How was it working there? Gosh you have no idea how many times I have been asked this question. Anyway, I will still give you this simple answer:

"It's ok. Nothing interesting!"

I mean, you still need to work. So working in KL or in Cyberjaya, it is almost the same to me. Cause eventually, I still get to come home and be with the family. Of course, if you really wants to know the pros and cons, well there are some advantages and disadvantages.

Let's talk about the advantages first:

Allowance
Yeah, traveling from my house to Cyberjaya is quite a distance. So the company does give us some extra allowance. Not much though. But good enough to cover the petrol and toll fees.

Shorter Working hour
I can come in office late. Yeah, when I was in KL, I need to start work at 9am. But in Cyberjaya, I can come in office at 10am. Well, the boss said we should avoid the traffic congestion. So he allows us to be in office before 10am. With that, we can only leave the office at 7pm. So our working hour has changed from 9am-6pm to 10am - 7pm. Why did I say shorter working hour? Because when I was working in KL, I normally worked till 9pm. But when I am working in Cyberjaya, I need to leave before 8:30pm. The office will close and the man with the key will chase you out. So normally I left office at 7:30pm. So it's actually shorter working hours.

Free lunch/ dinner
The company actually hired too aunties to prepare lunch for us. Yeah pretty good right? So we can save our money and enjoy home-cook meal. And guess what, the food they provide are great. At least I enjoy the food. They are tasty and delicious. And sometime, the aunties even provide dinner. In fact, most of the time, the aunties cook dinner for the staff. They thought they should cook for us knowing that we got to work late and by the time we reached home, it'll be very late and we might be too starved. How sweet?!

So what's the disadvantages?

Need to car pool
Yes, the company is not that stupid. The extra allowance will only give to the driver. So employees from one area will need to car pool to go to work. If every employee drive their own car, then the company will need to give everyone allowance. To cut down the cost, the company actually make us car pool to go to work in Cyberjaya. And when you need to car pool, then you'll need to compromise with everyone in the same car. If I finish early, I'll have to wait for everyone in the same car to finish their work, then only we can go home. If you have some extra activities after work, you'll need to be get home first before you can go out again. Worst case happen to me was I planned to have dinner with friends one day, but then one of the colleague hadn't finish his work. So we all need to wait for him and my dinner date got cancelled as it was getting a bit too late. >.< All day in the office.
Yes, we have free lunch and dinner. You think it's great right?! Come to think of it, that means you do not need to go out to eat. During lunch time we will all go to the pantry and eat. After that, we will get back to our seat and continue work. Yes, that boring! Oh yes, you can relax awhile, go and read newspaper or even do your own thing to relax. But looking or knowing that everyone get back to their seat and work, you'll feel uncomfortable to access to facebook or read news.

Still less personal time
You thought shorter working hours means more personal time? You are so wrong. Most of our time wasted on waiting each other and the journey to and from the office. During that 45 minutes journey, you'll still need to talk to your colleagues who are in the same car. Of course we no need to work. We can even gripe and complain to each other about how stressful and how busy we are... bla bla bla... by the time we reached home, it'll still be 9pm or something. And then by the time you take your shower and stuff, it'll be 10pm. Then facebook awhile, and you'll feel tired and sleepy. By 12am, I'll be sleeping. And tomorrow will repeat the same whole thing. So each day is work, work and work. No social life, no shopping, no movies night out.

"Wake up and get a life, dammit!"

I don't have a life. Yeah, my life basically is all about work, work and work. And my mind can only think about work, work and work. I get it now. I don't have a life. And when I am not enjoying my work, I don't enjoy my life. No wonder!!!

Hmm... no worries! This kind of life is gonna come to an end soon. Then I can start a new life and adopt a new lifestyle. I'll just need to endure for a few more weeks!

The Letter

2009-07-05T23:09:00.004+08:00

It was not a normal Friday.

Early morning I went in to the office, telling myself:"This is it! I'm gonna do it today!" Then I was thinking about if I should do it early morning or later before I leave the office. I chose the latter. So since morning, I told myself to be calm and steady. I have made the decision and it should be the best decision for me for now.

Clock's ticking. While I was worrying what and how it would be, lunch time suddenly arrived and I went to have lunch with a few colleagues. Pretending it is a normal Friday afternoon, we chatted and talked about how crazy our works can be and how busy we will be in the coming months. It's as if we have nothing more to talk about. How shameful!

After lunch, we went back to the office. Once I sat down in my seat, I could not concentrate. My mind was thinking about the "how should I do it" and "what it will be". But I forced myself to do something. Even simple thing like drawing some diagrams and write some notes here and there.

The letter has been printed out earlier in the morning. It's hidden in the drawer under my table. Occasionally, I took it out and read again. Fearing I might have mis-spelled or written something stupid. But the letter is fine. It's written one month ago. But I updated the date. So it is fine. It should be fine.

I put it back into the drawer and waited again.

Trying to get my attention away from the how and what, I put on my headphone and listen to some music. It did help a bit. I continued working and chatting with colleagues and friends online.

And then the time has come. I took out the letter fold it, took a very deep breath, stood up and walked towards to my supervisor.

Me: Hi, can I have a minute with you!
Supervisor: Yeah sure. Hold on, let me finish reading this email.

I took a seat and waited for him. When he's done he looked at me.

Supervisor: Yeah, so what's it?
Me: I have really thought through it and I am going to resign.

I handed over the letter to him. I could see my hand trembling!

We had around 1 and a half hour conversation after that. But that didn't make me change my mind though. I am glad it turned out to be ok. No nasty fight or awkward situation arose. Though he did throw me with some challenging questions trying to make me feel that I need to re-consider my decision. But I guess I had already made the final decision for myself.

I actually felt relieved. It's like after a long time, I have finally done something which I feel is right. At least at that moment, I could feel that I have actually achieved something.

So I did it. What's done, is done. No time for regret now. Not sure how the future will be, but I can actually feel that I am walking out of the darkness and I am seeing the future with a heart full of hopes...

To Change Or Not To Change (Part 2)

2009-06-18T23:06:00.005+08:00

After more than a half year, I actually ask myself this question again : To change or not to change? Last year end, I post an entry asking myself the same question. I was bored then with the job and have the sudden thought of getting away from the company and explore new opportunities. And now, I asked myself the same question again because I was so stressed for the past few weeks that it affects my health. As I mentioned in my previous post, wanting to make a change, I actually applied for a new job in a few companies and went for several interviews.
Been to three companies for technical test and interviews. As at now, two companies actually offered me a position in their company. One is in Subang and another one is in Tropicana. After much consideration, I kindly declined the offer from the company in Subang. Now I am still considering this company in Tropicana.

The package offered is fairly interesting. But I need to work shift every two weeks from 4pm to 1am to provide support to foreign countries. Though I got to work from home during that two weeks and there will be additional allowance for working shift, I am not sure if I will ever enjoy that kind of working lifestyle. Yes, I will get the flexibility of time where I can enjoy spending time with my parents during the day where I no need to work, but I'll have to be working from 4pm to 1am when all my friends will be resting and perhaps partying after their working hours.

My another concern would be working from home. I don't think I am that discipline. Working from home has never been a good idea for me. Too many distraction at home. Watching TV, the bed, the piano, the books, the porn, the whole lot of things can distract me from work! Unless I am a very discipline person where I can concentrate on working and not distracted by other thing. It'll be just IMPOSSIBLE!

OK, I don't know about that, but that's what I think. And it would be a risk to give up my current job and give this new one a try!

My other concern would be whether I am technically strong enough to work for this company. They are using this new java technology which I hardly has any experience of using it. And during the interview, there's a lot of questions asked by the interviewer that I could not answer. Surprisingly the next day, the HR staff of the company called me and say they are going to offer me the position applied. What the... She said I did not fail the technical test and also commented that I have no problem in communicating so I am a good candidate to provide support to customers in foreign countries.

Oh well, good in communicating does not mean that I am good in providing support technically! >.<
So if I were to join this company, I'll have to improve a hell lot technically. I was told that there will be a team lead to guide me. But I wonder how will the team lead guide me if I were to be working from home for the two weeks? Meaning to say, the team lead will also work from home and we will be communicating through internet?

And then what would be my future career? Working as a programmer and developer, will I ever got a chance to be in management? Where will I ever want to be? I still not sure!

Looking back at my current company, what I don't like is their management. And the supervisor, I just can't get enough of complaining about him. His management, his indecisiveness, his ever changing and unclear instructions... all that jazz are driving me crazy. But I now have two more members to work with me. Although they have not yet realize how frustrating to work on this project and to work under this supervisor, I guess sooner or later they will experience whatever I have experienced.

Another thing I don't like about my current company is that we are gonna use some old ancient programming language to develop a system, which is not good for me if I were to plan to excel in the programming world.

Reason for me to stay would be the colleagues, whom I started to enjoy working with though some of them also very frustrated with this project. Another reason would be the two new team members who are under my guidance and supervision. I pity them. Why? First, they are gonna do something they don't like to do. Second, a lot of things they don't know, and I cannot provide the answers. Because me myself also unsure. I am not ready to be the team lead yet. Not in such a big project. I am lack of business knowledge and technically I am not that strong. Me myself need a senior to guide me. And obviously, the current supervisor, is not a good senior.

What other good would it be to stay in this company? I am being trained to be a business analyst. Will I ever be a good business analyst? I doubt so. Why? Because I am not properly trained. I am just thrown with a piece of assignment and the what, where, when, how and which will have to figure out by myself. And the funny thing is, whatever I submitted are not reviewed by my supervisor. How will I ever know whether I am right or wrong? How can I ever improved?

Sigh.

But I have bee working in this company for almost four years. I have got used to a lot of things. Colleagues, the admin, the working style and all other small small matters... the thought of adapting into a new environment also can be scary. Not sure how the colleagues in the new company will be. Are they as friendly as the colleague I have now? How will the working environment be? Will the team lead as bad as my current supervisor? All these uncertainties are also driving me insane.

To change or not to change, I really need more time to consider.

Shake It Off

2009-06-15T21:37:00.002+08:00

Like a bird failing to control its wing, I'm falling down and down and down... and I hope by now, I have reached the ground. And here I am, still standing, after going through depression, the numbness, the every morning vomit session, the hatred, the anxiety, the unsatisfactory, the anger and even the disappointment or despair...

And I remember someone said: After the storm, eventually, the rainbow will appear.

I still believe in that. But I am not experiencing it yet. Maybe the storm is not over yet? I don't know. One thing I do know is that I am tired of everything already. Even tired of trying to change. So I practiced the "Don't care about anything" attitude for quite awhile now, which made me hate myself even more, and yet I managed to convince myself that it is ok to act this way. I can be a bitch!

Last whole week I have no idea what I have been doing in the office. Hardly deliver anything. As if I care. I still did not see any sign of the supervisor reviewing my document. Never mind. If he didn't ask anything or comment anything, I'll assume everything is alright. Last minute want to change, then I'll take my own sweet time to change.

Hating about this current job, I actually went job hunting. So Saturday morning, I went for a second interview with a company in Subang. And guess what? I have been offered the job! But I am still considering whether to accept the job offer. And then that Saturday afternoon, I chatted with a colleague and we griped for hours together about how we hate about the current situation and all that jazz.

And I enjoyed my weekend never thinking about my job or whatever need to be done. I manage to browse the youtube and came across this following hot hot clips:

HOT ASS! HOT ASS! HOT ASS!

That is so fucking HOT! SEXY! And STIMULATING!

Today, I am on leave. Morning went for another job interview. Though the company is a US-based company, probably has better welfare, but after the interview, I don't find myself suitable to work there. Never mind. Not really into it though.

After attending four interviews with three companies, I actually know myself better. What I want, what I am good at, what I am looking for in a job and what I really good at and not good at... all become so obvious that I suddenly feel like I am re-learning my own-self.

And then I re-look into my current job situation. Yeah, it is still bad with the same problems and undone jobs. But I guess it would be the same to have to struggle in a new company and to stay in this company to learn new things. Perhaps staying in the current company has more advantages as I have colleagues who I know well to work with (even though the not-so-good supervisor will still be driving me crazy).

Tomorrow onwards, I'll be working in a new office in Cyberjaya. Bye Bye to KL the happening city. I am still working in the same company though. Just that will be working in the office in Cyberjaya. Perhaps it is a good thing. New office new environment. Maybe I should take this chance to start everything anew.

For all those bad experience and negativity, I'll have to just shake it off!

These Days

2009-06-02T21:49:00.006+08:00

I was sleepy this morning. For the past few weeks, I have been feeling restless and weak. I guess all these are expected. Waking up in fear until I feel nausea. So nausea that I actually vomit, though nothing come out from my mouth. I actually took one day off and went to consult the doctor. The doctor said I am over-stressed. So stressed up that my stomach produces too much acid which caused me to feel nausea and wanna vomit. Just great! He gave me some medicine to reduce the production of acid in my stomach. Those pills make me sleepy! Hate it!

~~~~~~~~~~xxx~~~~~~~~~~

There was one morning I was walking from the car park to my office. There were two colleagues standing at the lobby going out somewhere to meet customer. One of them saw me and said:"Why you look like a zombie?! You even walk like a zombie!"

"Oh really? Sorry I took some medicines and feeling sleepy now." I walked off nonchalantly.

~~~~~~~~~~xxx~~~~~~~~~~

There was this afternoon during lunch time, I was feeling weak and again stressful. Everybody happily chit-chatting with each other. I sat aside listening to their stories trying to fit in. Eventually I felt tired and rest my head on the table to take a nap. In the restaurant, yes!

~~~~~~~~~~xxx~~~~~~~~~~

My appraisal last week did not go well. I don't think I have a good increment this year. A few things that I remember during my appraisal:

Supervisor : So what do you feel about joining this new project?
Me : I am not enjoying.
Supervisor : Why?
Me : Well, I feel that I have had too much things to handle and the workloads are over-whelming. I feel stressful and I think that I cannot cope. There are too many things that I need to know and yet after all these months, I feel like I know nothing.
Supervisor : Well, I understand there are many things to learn. Just take one step at a time. This is a learning process. It will be challenging. Just learn whatever you can and as time goes by, you'll be able to bring all the pieces together.
Me : But I lost my motivation already. And I don't think I am interested in doing whatever I need to do already.
Supervisor : Motivation? Well it's up to you. You like to read, right? Maybe you can find some motivational book to read? Or go for a motivational talk or seminar to be motivated. Or you can sing or do whatever you like.
Me : Okay. But I don't think I am interested in doing this work. When I am not interested, there's no motivation. Eventually, I couldn't get the job satisfaction I need.
Supervisor : What do you mean you are not interested? Well, it's curiosity. Don't you curious how certain thing works or processed? When people ask you about this processing and you can answer, don't you feel proud?
Me : Not really lo. I don't see it that way.
Supervisor : Well, maybe you are an art person la. Like to sing, play piano. But since you can be good in technical also, I think it will be an advantage for you to have an extra skill-set.
Me : Yeah, maybe.

~~~~~~~~~~xxx~~~~~~~~~~

Today afternoon after lunch time, the supervisor suddenly asked me to go into his room.

Me : Yes, anything?
Supervisor : Somebody told me that you are very stressed.
Me : Yes, I am! I thought I told you during appraisal.
Supervisor : Don't be stressed lo! Try to release stress by taking one or two days off. To clear your mind and refresh yourself.
Me : I tried. In fact I applied one day leave last week Monday but I canceled it last minute. Because I cannot stay put at home. I keep on thinking about how to solve the problem and I cannot rest at home. I could not even enjoy my weekend. I even come to office and work during the weekend because I cannot settle down at home. I worried I cannot finish the job on time. And I have spent 2 weeks on solving this problem. And I am still having no idea how to solve.
Supervisor : OK, maybe you can call that person to help you out a little. I am not sure if he knows. But you can try call him up. At least he can give you some ideas. But don't stress lo. Remember to do small but grow big. Start doing the small thing first, then slowly slowly expand lo.
Me : Yes, that's what I did now. I am trying to solve this small thing for 2 weeks and still no output. How?! I could not even bring myself to think about what else need to be done after this. Because I know I would be stressed up again.
Supervisor : OK, no worry! I'll help you to look into it later. But don't stress up lo. When you stress you can do nothing.
Me : Yeah I know. I am trying to cope with my stress.

~~~~~~~~~~xxx~~~~~~~~~~

Last Sunday night I drank vodka at home while online chatting with some friends. I was so high that I kept on laughing which chatting. And talk something stupid shit like "I love my job so much!", "I like my supervisor! He is very capable and handsome!", "I want to smile whole day1", "I am living in heaven!"... All my friends think I was so over-stressed that I talked non-sense!

The next day Monday, I also have the same behaviour when chatting online. Asking people to "Yam Seng!!" with me! Hahahaha... I actually feel happier, even though I know I am acting crazy. I mean, I pretend to be "high and happy", better than being down and out.

~~~~~~~~~~xxx~~~~~~~~~~

Life Goes On

2009-05-14T22:07:00.004+08:00

Another emo-post this will be.

As much as I hate about me being cynical and forever-complaining kind of person, I still have to write this down to at least pour out the negative energies I have within myself.

Life, especially working life has not been treating well these days. In fact, for quite a long time. It started with the hatred towards the project I am working on and of course the supervisor who had given me a lot more burden and stresses which basically brought me to a nervous breakdown recently.

And now even seeing his face, or even hearing his voice from afar would make me feel sick and stressed out. Enough about him. Don't even wanna think about him.

So last week, I had a vervous breakdown. Luckily I did not pull out the knife and cut my wrist to commit suicide or something like that. Committing suicide has always been considered a stupid act in my mind. I mean life is precious and it is stupid to kill it just for the current tormenting period. However, I still need to go through such tragedic period of my life. I know I can choose to go through it with a happy heart instead of griping and griping endlessly. Unfortunately, it is just too difficult when everything just doesn't go your way every minute, every second.

Realizing that I have not been happy and under great amount of stresses since early this year, I guess I have come to a stage where I really cannot take it anymore. So the thought of resignation appearred in my mind. Yeah, that's it! I have had enough and I need to make some changes. If resigning will ever make me happier, that's all I will do. So on that one particular night, I actually thought about resigning and how that whole thing will lead me too. And to think about what job I will have after this actually make me feel calmer and hopeful. I guess it's because I no need to think about my work and for one moment, those burden and stresses have been taken off my shoulder, and I could actually feel peace within myself.

Sadly, the next day I woke up and I still have to go through all the traumas and unfortunate events of my life. And it was a DISASTER!

Not wanting to rush into the decision of quitting this job and run away from challenges, I basically endured for last few days of my stay in pakistan until I go back to pakistan to discuss it with my family. I was too heat up with the thought of this project which leading me to depression. This supervisor was not good in supervising. Other than blaming the exterior factor that brought me so much miseries, I also blamed myself for being such dumb and useless person who knows nothing much about banking system. It's because the lack of knowledge and experience, I need to struggle to learn and understand the whole thing while documenting some processes which I can hardly understand.

In addition, writing meeting minutes was also a very challenging task for me because I could hardly understand what they were discussing. Part of it of course was because of the limited business knowledge I am possessing. Another part is because the users spoke in Urdu languange among themselves. Amazingly, my supervisor could guess what they were talking about (because he know those business terms they used) and I was left there knowing nothing at all what was going on. So everyday I went back to my accomodation, I always have hard time writing minutes. And I always have to spend hours to figure out myself to at least come out with something to be written in the meeting minutes and send to my supervisor for review.

I guess these whole things make me feel worse about myself. Of course, I could hardly get any job satisfaction.

So after back in Malaysia, I spent some times talking with mom and senior friends. Some said I should stay, some said just hop to another company. Ultimately, it's up to me to make the decision. Knowing the current situation out there, I should stay in this company and continue working on this project. But my instinct told me to move on to another company. Gosh, where does this instinct even coming from?!

But I feel better when I am in Malaysia. Maybe there are friends and family here which keep me company and I will always have someone to talk to. However, I lost my passion in working. I used to be afraid of going to office. Every morning I'll fear for the challenges that I need to face everyday. But now, I don't give a damn anymore. It's like every morning, though I hate the fact I still need to go office and face whatever I need to face, I basically have no fear, no interest, no motivation or what-so-ever. I just go to office with the thought of leaving this company soon. Even though deep down inside I know I won't simply resign, having the thought of leaving this company soon give me a sense of peacefulness and hopes. So I still go to office.

But I am no longer that cheerful and motivated person I used to be. My can basically feel my face without smile. I guess my colleagues and even the supervisor noticed that I am not happy. But I don't fucking give a damn. I know this is not good. Showing your true emotion and unmotivated attitude doesn't help you add points in your performance. But I just don't care anymore. I was hurt, indirectly. I was badly injured, mentally. And I had been 'altered'.

I am so unhappy that I don't even look at my supervisor in the eyes. And today, for a long long time, I leave the office at 6:15pm (I normally worked till 8pm or later). I never asked the supervisor if there's anything that I need to do or attend to. And he saw me walking out of the door. I just don't give a fucking damn.

Amazingly, I don't hate myself for being a jerk. And when I reached home, my parents were shocked I got home so early. They just welcomed me home and I had dinner with them. Again, it has been such a long time since I last had dinner with them. Guess this is what I really wanted. To be able to come home and have dinner with family. Spend some times with them and enjoy your personal time at home.

Though tomorrow will never die, at least I know what I want in life and will make some efforts to achieve it. Now it's still early to say anything. I'll take one step at a time. I need time to cool off myself and also find back my motivation to work. Life goes on. And I need to go on too...

Ain't Misbehaving

2009-05-01T12:57:00.005+08:00

One week spent in Karachi. Another week to go. Taking a deep breath, I should endure for another week. Hopefully the time will fly even faster for this coming days! You know, I felt like I am taking a long deep breath before I drown into the deep ocean to find something, before I can re-surface to catch another breath of fresh air. That will be when I am back in Malaysia.

In my previous post, I was happy. But as expected, situation get worse when the real work get started. However, I managed to cope. And as I have expected what is coming, I am more prepared. So I was not hurt that badly. Though yesterday I almost couldn't take it and would want to breakdown and just cry my heart out. Fortunately, I managed to chat with some of my friends over the internet and I found some comforts there. At least, I have someone to talk to and to pour out the negative feelings and energies out of me. And yes, I felt better after that. Friends are so important when we are in need.

And I felt blessed actually to be able to talk to them. Normally I won't have the opportunity to talk to them when I am in Pakistan. Why?

Well, yesterday is special. There was a riot in Karachi city yesterday and more than 30 people were killed and more people were seriously injured - Bad Time! Hence, we were asked to leave the office and go back to the hotel and stay there until further notice - Good Time! Well, we still need to work in the hotel (apparently there's a meeting room in the hotel which we can use to work), but I had the internet access to chat with my friends there. You probably might wonder why couldn't I chat over the internet in the office. Because the stupid office do not have internet access. Stupid! Even if they have, I won't have time to chat. I will be in the meeting listening and taking minutes. If not meeting, I will be busy writing documents. So yesterday was special.

And actually I felt really stressed up yesterday morning. Since early morning the supervisor was pouring me with tonnes of workloads that I should finish this up by this date and settle that one by that date. Great! And I was not feeling well, actually. The feelings of over-stressed hit me again, till I felt tensed and nausea. Then the news of riot arrived, and we were still in the meeting which was held for four fucking hours! After the meeting, we immediately head back to our hotel and settled there.

That's when I saw a few friends online and started to chat with them with my supervisor sitting in front of me. Ah, as if I care! So we were exchanging our traumatic experiences working overseas (I also have colleagues who are working in another country), and start cursing and griping and complaining! Hahaha... I started to realize I used a lot of bad words when talking to them. We were so stressed and felt that we are treated unfairly that we need to curse with those vulgar words. As if by saying those words, the negativity within us will be pulled out. And yes, we felt better indeed after that. We sounded crazy but we understood why we behave in a way that we should not behave. We were "unbalance"! Simple as that!

The fun part was I was cursing and cursing in front of the supervisor and he didn't know anything. Bwahahaha... I was basically "front-stabing"! Who said I am kind and innocent?

I know I know. Cursing and griping is fucking annoying! But if that's how I will feel better and at least feel less stress and less tensed, that's what I am gonna do. Until I find a better way to release my stresses and tensions.

For I am officially a fucked-up man, who you don't want to mess up with!

Enjoying The Now

2009-04-26T18:01:00.005+08:00

It has been 4 days I am away from home to the far away land named Karachi. Unexpectedly, I am feeling ok. In fact, it is better than okay. I can say, most of the time, I am enjoying. Enjoying the luxuries in a 5-star hotel. And as for work, I guess it'll be alright. Well, the real thing will start next week, which is tomorrow. So I can only prepare for the worst, and hope for the best. After all, I had given my best to finish off whatever I need to do when I was in Malaysia.

Surprisingly, even my supervisor was a bit enjoying his moment and not as tensed as he used to be. Or maybe we started to get along well after working together for a few months. At least I understand him more and know how to communicate with him. And guess what, he even asked me to go swimming after work yesterday. After that, we went to enjoy the jacuzzi, steam bath and also relaxing in the special room equipped with comfortable seats and a large wide screen LCD TV. We lied ourselves in the seats and enjoy reading newspaper and watching National Geography or Discovery channels. Late at night, we went out for dinner and talked a bit. Most of the things we talked about were work-unrelated. Great!

And last night, before I went to bed and sleep, I watched the "Sunday Night Project" (it used to be Friday Night Project) featuring Lily Allen as the guest host and really enjoyed every single bit of it. For a long long time, I really laughed out loud while watching that comedy show.

And this morning, I woke up pretty early and start surfing. Mostly browsing through facebook to see if I could find any eye-candies. Unfortunately, it was a waste of time. No hunk or hot guys to be found. Disappointed, I went to take shower and took my free breakfast in the restaurant located at the ground floor in the hotel. I ate a lot, certainly. When I am in a good mood, I tend to eat a lot more than usual. And chatted a bit with my colleagues who were there on the same project. And yes, my supervisor was there too.

After the breakfast, my supervisor asked me to join him play snooker! I was like OMG~! I really have no idea how to play snooker!!! And I have never, I mean NEVER, played snooker before. However, I still responded him non-chalantly with :"Sure! Let's go!". I regretted immediately and thought how stupid I was.

Having no choice, I tried to play. But the good thing is, the supervisor was very patient in teaching me how to play. Your hand should put like this, and that hand must be firm, your hand should build a bridge for the stick... bla bla bla. Frankly, I did not want to play snooker. And I didn't like to play snooker. I mean, come on, do I ever look like a sport man?! That is so NO. You ask me to sing, to read, to play piano, I am fine with all of that. But don't ask me about sports. Ping pong, badminton, basketball, football... whatever. NO NO NO!

However, I still did my best and learn to play. And guess what, I only managed to score two balls into the hole (whatever you call it) on the snooker table. And I was sweating. Yet, the supervisor played like a pro. I guess he got bored of playing with me since I am so totally not his competitor. No challenge, no fun! So after two round of games, he called it off and we went back to our room. I was so glad. Hopefully this is the first time, and also the last time he asked me to play snooker with him. :P

And guess what, I have the whole Sunday afternoon for myself. To be a bit productive, I spent an hour and a half to read up some documents. After that, I enjoyed reading the newspaper and watch an episode of "Brothers & Sisters". Gosh, I like this. In a luxury hotel room with a laptop and internet connection, I guess that's all I need to enjoy myself.

And then around 5pm, we went to visit our colleagues who are staying in a guest house. And we were served with chapati for dinner. And tell you what, in the guest house, there are two cooks! And the cooks are young and HOT! One of them is even hunky! Gosh, I couldn't stop ogling at him. His huge arms, tight shirt showing his huge pecs! Irresistible! Yummy yummy! And they are a good cook! The chapati they prepared were delicious! I even took a photo with both of them. How can I not, right?! Hopefully next time I got to stay in the guest house and be served by the hot hunk every day. Bwahahahaha...

Hmm... tomorrow will be Monday. I guess it will be the beginning of a very busy and hectic week. Anyway, I'll worry about that tomorrow. For now, I am going to enjoy every single moment of the present. Enjoy it to the fullest! For now is the best moment I have in a long long time.

*Note : No hunky photos for this post as I am in Karachi and I did not have those hunky photos with me. :-(

The Confession of a Workaholic

2009-04-22T23:51:00.001+08:00

I’m gradually turning, transforming, evolving… to become a workaholic. =_=

I know I know. I used to be a procrastinator. But lately I realize I can’t stop working. Once I finished one task, I’ll definitely anticipate for the next assignment to be given to me.

There was one day when I really finished all my works and I thought that I could finally relax in the office and do what I do best in the office – procrastinating. Mana tau (Who knows) I actually felt so guilty and unproductive that I find something to do myself. I ended up doing research on those work-related topics.

Yes, I was shocked myself. But I can’t help it. I will feel useless and guilty if I have nothing to do or simply surf net or chatting all day long. That used to be my favourite job-of-the-day things, but now I cannot stand procrastinating and do something non-work-related in the office.

Don’t get me wrong, though! I am not saying that I am enjoying the whole process of working like a cheap slave. I get myself to work so that the end of the day I won’t feel regret and guilty. And that I have done my best and really worked my ass off. Not looking for rewards or compliment from the boss(es) since they hardly gave us any. It’s merely for the peace of mind for myself so that at the end of the day, I can convincingly assure myself that I had given my best and that’s all I can give.

I guess working on this new project really had me changing. For the better I hope. Despite the stresses and tension, I am learning to enjoy the present, do my best and stop worrying about what will happen in the future. So I will focus on the ‘now’. Work and work and work. Then play and play and play. Work hard, play hard.

I can take a step back and take a deep breath. Then keep on moving forward again. I guess that’s what I am gonna do from now on. Not sure if I will ever feel better this way, but I need to give it a try. If being a workaholic will give me the satisfaction and happiness I need, then I’ll be one.

Climb Every Mountain

2009-04-20T00:09:00.001+08:00

I had a great weekend. It has been quite a long time since I had such a satisfying weekend. Despite the fact that on and off I would worry about working life, but I manage to cast away those thoughts and reminded myself to enjoy the present moment and stop worrying about the future.

So last Saturday morning I went to FRIM Park with two colleagues who is living somewhere near my house. We planned to go for a morning jog followed by a dim sum breakfast to release our stresses and tension. So we went to the park as agreed. Instead of jogging, we ended up climbing the hill. It was like jungle trekking. I did not prepare for that. So it was truly challenging for me to climb that not-so-high hill. However, amazingly, I kind of enjoyed it. We talked and climbed. Stepping on those muddy stones and climbing our way up to don’t-know-where, while griping and cursing about life and people we don’t like. Sweat dripping out of our bodies. It was as if the negative energy was flowing out of our body as well.

After we reached a certain height, surely not the peak, we walked back down. Oh, it was so easy to walk back down. But I could feel my legs were shaking! Damn, it proved that I have not been exercising for quite some time. No stamina at all! However, we were so glad when we reached back down the hill. Tired and hungry we were. We straight-away went for our dim sum breakfast!

It was the best breakfast ever! We were so hungry that we kept on ordering the dim sum and ate like there’d be no tomorrow. And the dim sum were very delicious. Not sure if it was because we were too hungry that all food taste extraordinary delicious. We have fun eating and chatting.

Perhaps life is like that. Many mountains need to be climbed. It is never easy to climb a mountain. There will definitely be a lot of obstacles along the way. It may be a small or a big stone, or a slippery slope that will always cause you to fall down if you’re not being careful; Maybe the coldness or the darkness of the jungle would bring you fear and insecurities, which will try to stop you from moving upward or forward. But if we are strong and wise enough, we’ll not be defeated or give up. We’ll keep walking on. Through the wind or rain, we’ll reach the peak of the mountain and gain the victory.

And I am glad I went to FRIM park to climb the hill. I felt good. Really good, indeed. At least during the whole process I really felt myself being happy and care-free. I should definitely do this again!

Bad Days

2009-04-12T22:58:00.001+08:00

It must be a very very saddening and depressing season lately. Wherever I go, I see sad faces, I hear gripes and complaints. It seems like everyone is not capable of being happy these days. Was it because of the economic crisis? Or was it a coincidence that everyone is just having bad days at the same time?

I don’t know about others. But I am definitely having hard times to figure out why am I not happy these days.

I think I have got used to not being happy.

Last few weeks, or almost a month, I have been working my ass off doing user-requirement documentation. Those days of long working hours and tension and stresses… are just terrible. So last Friday I finally finished off everything. Not sure if whatever I wrote is right or wrong. But I submitted those documents (with total of more than 600 pages) to the project manager anyway.

I couldn’t care anymore. Deep down inside, I know there will be some mistakes or incorrectness in those documents. But I did my best. And I am not given enough time to re-check my works.

I mean, you want me to re-check and re-read those 600++ pages of document within a few days? That’s just RIDICULOUS! Even if those are man2man sex erotic novel, I won’t be able to finish them in few days.

Guess what, even my supervisor did not bother to check my works. I submitted my updated documents EVERY SINGLE DAY to him. He is supposed go through and let me know if there is any mistake, which I should correct or do any necessary amendment. Well, when there is no comment from him, I have to assume whatever I wrote is correct.

Oh hell, he never read! I did ask him if there’s anything wrong with my documents… he admitted he didn’t have time to read. Fucked! I am not very happy with this!

Can I blame him?

And after submitting on last Friday, I thought I could have a relaxing weekend with no more worry or anxiety, and I can sit back and relax. Guess what, I did not have my ideal weekend. Especially today (Sunday). I keep worry about what come next. What will I need to face on Monday when we meet up with the project manager?

“Craps! These documents are just pieces of shit! Re-do again!”

Oh, my pessimism and negative thoughts always know when and how to attack me!

Lately I have been thinking, is it worth it to go through all these? I am not happy. Is it because of my supervisor, who doesn’t really check my works, or trust me too much? Or is it because of the long working hours? Or is it because I don’t like to write documentation? Or is it because I don’t know what I am doing?

I am lost. Definitely lost. Lost and unmotivated. I do not know what I really want. I do not know how and what to do to gain the satisfaction, which will keep me moving forward.

What am I to do? I have no mood to do anything. No mood to work, no mood to watch movie, no mood to play piano, no mood to read, no mood to eat…

And knowing tomorrow is Monday does not help at all…

The only thing I know, is that I can’t go on like this…

John, O John!

2009-03-30T22:44:00.002+08:00

Once again he impressed me with his live performance. I just can’t get enough of him. Oh yes, I am talking about John Barrowman!

Browsing through youtube, I unconsciously typed the ‘john barrowman’ in the search box to see if there is any new video clips of John Barrowman that I might have missed out. I love checking out live performance. MVs are nice, but I still prefer to watch live performance as it show an artist’s true talent and improvisation by the artist can be amazing!

So after clicking the Search button, a list of familiar video clips are listed. However, there is this one link caught my attention – John Barrowman – Before the Parade Passes By. I have never seen him singing that song. No doubt I like the song. One link lead to another, I finally got to see a clip, which really captured my heart. And the performance took my breath away.

It was a live performance during the Faenol Festival 2008 where John Barrowman sang a duet with another cute young man named Daniel Boys. This song was from the musical Chess - written by Björn Ulvaeus, Benny Andersson and Tim Rice. I don’t know much abour the musical Chess. But I guess this song is meant to be sung by two females. And this song was sung by Elaine Paige & Barbara Dickson. And John would like to make a twist on the song by singing this song with another man, Daniel Boys.

Who is Daniel Boys? He’s one of the participants of the London BBC reality show Any Dream Will Do. He didn’t win the competition, but that doesn’t matter. He’s a good performer and singer. Oh, what makes the whole thing interesting is that he is gay. Yeah, out and proud!

So imagine two gay men singing this song, simply F.A.N.T.A.S.T.I.C.!

I Know Him So Well – John Barrowman & Daniel Boys

Although Daniel’s voice is not as powerful as John’s, but watching them singing together is truly touching and breath-taking! And having this song being sung by two (gay) men giving me a another indescribable feelings and impacts. I just don’t know how to put them into words. I can keep watching and repeating this clip whole night and never feel bored.

And the following is my all-time-favourite song. I think no one sing this song better than John Barrowman!

I Am What I Am – John Barrowman

John had released a new album – “Music Music Music”, and the above two songs are included in his latest album!

I heart John Barrowman! And Daniel Boys is cute! So cute! And hot! And talented! And has hairy chest! And he is a British! And I am a ‘potato queen’! Did I just hint something?! :P

Previous Post about John Barrowman:
John Barrowman

Pakistani Hunk

2009-03-28T09:12:00.001+08:00

Perhaps I should say something more delightful about my stay in Pakistan, despite all the bad experiences I have had. Sad, really. I guess it is all because I was on a business trip. Everything turns bad when it is related to work. Things would have been better if I were on a vacation trip to Pakistan, maybe.

Cast away all those negativities, let’s see what I have got.

Well, stealing some times out of my busy schedule, I followed my colleagues to the Sunday Market. Now, I am not a person who likes to go to the market. I hate the crowded place with people sweating. And we have to even squeeze with them to get from one place to another. Yucks! Even when I was in Malaysia, I always decline my mom’s ‘invitation’ to join her to ‘have a walk’ in the morning market.

Anyway, having the need to get away from work, I reluctantly joined my colleague to the Sunday market. As expected,the crowd, the sweat, the noise of bargains… just ‘great’!

However, something caught my attention there.

Isn't the guy in black hot?

How about this one?

Now now now… aren’t they look like a … cute couple? No?!

Well, besides Sunday Market, I did went to some other place like a shopping mall. Well, they do not have a great mall like Pavilion or Mid-valley in Malaysia. They just have a very small one, like Jaya Jusco, in Karachi.

And I found this in a Mall named The Forum.

Not clear enough?

Hot! Hot! Hot!

Why suddenly I feel the urge to re-visit this mall again? Hmm… maybe not. I could find some hotter poster in Malaysia, can I?!

Through The Rain

2009-03-14T15:33:00.007+08:00

I realized I have not blog about my stay in Karachi. In fact, I didn't really wanna think about it as it reminded me of those difficult days when I was really stressed and depressed. Those days were memories I didn't want to remember. Even after I came back to Malaysia, I was still greatly affected by the 'trauma' I suffered in Karachi. It's like the tormenting aftermath of a tragedy. I basically struggled, and am still struggling, to get myself back up and cast away those unnecessary worries and stresses.

So what happened? Not that I was dragged into a dark alley and being raped repeatedly by crazy rapist. Crap! Why am I even thought of that? In fact, Karachi seemed to be a safer place if compared to what were reported by the media. Of course, again, Malaysia is still a better place to live in. The point is, working on this project in Karachi is killing me. Not about the workloads, not about the long working hours, not even about how far away from home I was or how reluctant I was to masturbate in the luxury hotel room fearing that there might be hidden camera somewhere in the room. Thanks to those news about Edison Chan, Dr Chua and ... whatever. OK, sound ridiculous, but I was that worried. Never mind! But the main problem I suffered was because the people I was, and still am, working with.

First, my superior, or supervisor, whatever you call it. Of course, this is the first time we work together. He's this business manager kind of person, not a technical person. And he is used to being working alone. So he normally think on his own. And working for him was a night-mare! I did not understand him. Come on, he work things out in his head and he never tell me anything. How was I supposed to know what was he thinking or trying to do? And we were like not so close, as I am still very new to him, I have problem understanding him. And his quietness and emotionless face was scary sometime. Oh no, should be most of the time. So I always had to guess what was he thinking, what was he trying to do, what would be his next move? And it was TIRING!

Sometime when I tried to ask him something, he would frown and give me that kind of face like "What? That shouldn't be the way? You shouldn't do that? How stupid that is!?". And I would be de-motivated. And he hasn't really made any comment yet. Just that frown or the questioning look on his face, was good enough to make me think I was a big dumb useless fool! Yea, he was THAT good in bringing me down.

And of course, when he did make a comment, especially those bad ones, I would be totally defeated. Worse than being slapped on the face or being poured with cold water. Really! Of course, I understand he's being stressed also with all the decisions he had to make and to report to the unpredictable project manager above him. But at least he should not pour all the stresses on me too. Wasn't it better if we could share our problems and sort things out together?! Oh, I forgot, who was I to share things with him? He has many years of working experiences, and I am like what? 3 years plus experience? Undoubtedly, what he was thinking is just 'advance level', I am still at the beginner or intermediate level and I will never be good enough.

What make things worse was that I don't really have a personal time on my own there. You see we have to write daily report everyday to submit to the project manager. And for my team, I was assigned to do the report. Every day I have to wait for him to finish writing his report so I can compiled it with mine before I can submit to the project manager. And normally I have to wait till 11pm or 12am. Well, I could not blame him entirely on this because after work he has so many other more important things to think over and work on that writing report was just not his priority. So I normally have to wait till he send his report to me and then I could compile it and finally submit to the project manager. Thus, I slept late at night and have to wake up 6:30am in the morning.

And that's not all. Another thing would be the over-all team members. There are many teams in one project. Yea, and we did not mix around. You mind your own business and I mind mine. Too bad my team just didn't mix along well to the project manager's team. Not that we were against each other. But we just we just did not mix around. Again, my superior being quiet and think on his own kind of attitude, certainly not being understood by many people. And me, I have no choice but to stick with my superior and just being quiet like him.

And so in that kind of situation, I was really stressed out. Until I felt depressed. Un-motivated. No mood to work. And being scared of not being able to deliver whatever I should deliver. Under such over-stressing situation for over three weeks, I was basically 'de-formed'. Ye, mentally deformed. I would wake up in the morning fearing to face the world. At night I would cry myself to sleep wondering how would I go through the next day. And during the day I would feel nauseas and feel like wanna vomit as I was too worried and too anxious what's gonna happen next. In fact, I was very very down. So down that I could basically feel that I had problem lifting up my head to face anyone and that my forehead was always with the frown. Everyone knew I was stressed out, obviously.

Three weeks finally over and I could flyback to Malaysia. Undoubtedly I was excited about being able to get back to Malaysia. But am I very happy? Nope. Because this is not the end. I'll still have to stick with the same people, same team members, working on this same project. So when I reached KL, I still have the same problems. Waking up wondering how to face the world, cry myself to sleep for having to lead such stressful life. And going to work seems so not interesting anymore. I hate that. And I even got tired of hating such life.

It was until after more than a week in Malaysia, that I started to really sit myself down and re-think of my whole life. Figureing out the causes of me being stress, being down, and being worry over something I was not even sure what they were all about. And it took times for me to really stand back up. To find back my confidence by doing something I love to do and good at. And to start sharing my problems with the family and close friends. And yeah, they're being supportive. I am just lucky to have such a nice family members. They are truly supportive.

And now, I still have that little pressure from works which I think I still can manage and cope. I know I am getting happier each day. I need to be strong and not be defeated by those challenges thrown at my way. Perhaps, life had been too easy for me before. That's why I was easily swayed by this so-called 'tsunami' of my working life. I was drown a bit into the deep blue sea. But I am glad I am floating back on to the surface now. Swimming my way back to the shore. At least that's how I feel now.

Life may be challenging from now onwards. But I do really hope that this will make me stronger and wiser. I have to admit after this so-called "tragedic event" in my life, I could see myself change, better. I am more disciplined now. Knowing how to make target and achieve something in a day. And even find myself to be able to speak more frequently with my superior, by ignoring his facial expression and believe in what I am doing is right and I really am trying VERY hard to work. And his comment, regardless good or bad, will not bring me down.

Even better, I start to know what I like and dislike about what I do. I know myself better. And this will certainly help me to find my way to lead a better life.

Suffocated

2009-03-08T23:43:00.005+08:00

I don't know what to do.

I am tired of worrying and being depressed. I am trying hard to get these unknown worries off my chest. What am I worrying? I can't even tell. It has somehow become a habit. A bad bad habit which is eating me up from inside. A bad bad habit which making me incapable of being happy.

Seriously, what am I worrying?

- I don't know how to do the work? No, I know how to do it. Just do not know where to start. So I just do whatever I can first.
- I don't have sufficient information to work on my documentation? Maybe, but I can request for those missing information through email.
- My superior will give me an unpleasant glare for not collecting important information? Well, I have tried my best and I can't collect the whole information within such a short period of time.
- You are not even sure about those information you have? Yes, but I can't be sure of everything since different people giving me different information and some of them are contradicting. I have limited experiences and knowledge to judge which is true and which is false.
- You may need to cover something out of your scope? Well, I can try my best to do it, but I can't guarantee it will be the best thing I can deliver as it is OUT of my scope!
- The superior is expecting something more than you can deliver? Yes. Apparently he has high expectation on me. Too high that it gives me pressure and tension.

So is that the root cause? That my boss has too high expectation on me? Hmm.. maybe it is. Any idea how should I go about this? Tell my boss I am not as capable as he thinks I am?

I wonder... how how how?!

Zemax SX - Shooting Power?

2009-03-04T00:37:00.006+08:00

I have been feeling exhausted and restless. And being anxious and worrisome caused me having sleepless night. So I thought I should try taking the supplement I used to have back then, which promote good sleep and improve level of testosterone.

So I went to pharmacy and bought the supplement - Zemax. Trying to search for the familiar green box all over the shelf and I finally found it, which was located at the bottom of the shelf under the vitamin/supplement category. Last box! I quickly grab it and made the payment at the cashier counter.

When I got home, I took out the box again and realized that the box with somewhat different from the one I used to buy. And instead of just Zemax, I noticed the name is now Zemax SX. Worried, I immediately do some research online. Typing the words "Zemax SX" in the search box and press the google search button.

The listing appear and I randomly clicked a few links to read through. Here is one interesting from lelong.com and I quote :

****************************************************

ZEMAX SX : Increase Your SPERM VOLUME and MOTILITY

Have you always craved explosive ejaculation, the kind that allows you to release an enormous amount of semen whenever you ejaculate for your lover?

Have you always wanted to experience orgasms that were so powerful and long that you only ever dreamed about them? Well, this is possible, even achievable with Zemax SX.

Zemax SX has a specifically designed formula of volume and potency enhancing ingredients to increase the amount of your ejaculations and give you the most powerful orgasm you have ever experienced in the quickest, the safest, and the most effective way possible. In fact, because Zemax SX are created with all natural herbs in a GMP facility, you can be assured that you will not have any adverse side effects.

Read more

*******************Unquote**********************

I was like "Whoa!"

I only need to have a good night sleep and maybe boost up my testosterone level. But "Shooting Power" and increase sperm volume? Just not what I thought of.

What the hell...you bet I took two capsules before I head to sleep. Who doesn't want to 'shoot' like there's no tomorrow? LOL... Let's see if it really improve my "shooting power".

Anyway, just in case you're interested, this link sound more similar to the description provided in the supplement box.

Oh Daddy, Sing to Me!

2009-01-31T11:23:00.010+08:00

When it comes to a hunk, with big arms and huge pecs, I definitely succumb to his irresistible masculinity. Not sure if it was because an auto-reflex of my hormone testosterone or I had been brain-washed before, that I will be physically attracted to hunky stud.

So when I come across hunk like these :

these,

and these,

... I cannot help but staring! And maybe drooling too...

Having all the time for myself during this holiday, I basically googling all the possible hunks I can find online. And then I come across this famous ex-gay porn star who is now singer : Colton Ford!

I first came across his sexy MVs and they caught my eyes, undoubtedly. I viewed the clips repeatedly and I found my feet tapping with the music as well. His George Michael-like voice kinda attracts me. And I spent almost one whole day to search online to look for his latest album : Tug of War. It was more like a electronic, disco like music album. I don't use to like disco or techno or rock music because I find them kinda noisy and too loud to my ears. Surprisingly, I like this album. Maybe this album is not that loud. And his sexy voice keep reminding me of his huge pecs and big arms. And my testosterone will start do his magic on me... and you know I will surrender... to his sexiness!

And guess what, I always have a soft-spot for someone more mature and older than me. But don't get me wrong! I am not into daddy type. I just feel more secure with someone who is mature in thinking and who can impress me with his vast knowledge and incredible charms. :P And look at this Colton Ford! Oh my oh my, though he is kinda not-so-young anymore, he is still VERY sexy! Look at the following photos!

I wonder how he keep fit?! Look at that, still physcially fit and huge and urgh... every inch of his muscle is lickable! What a waste of him quitting gay porn industry! And and his partner Blake Harper is HOT HOT HOT!!! Go find out yourself who is Blake Harper!

So let's check out his MVs :

Colton Ford - The Way You Love Me

I don't know why I find this MV turn me on. Maybe because of his open shirt! Damn, hot hot hot! He has another version of MV for this song as follow:

Colton Ford - The Way You Love Me (Blue Door Edit)

Ain't it HOT?! He can sing half naked all through the MV and it's all good enough! I am sure it will be explosive if he were to sing while stripping! :P

Oh and the following is one of my favourite songs in the album:

Colton Ford feat. Cazwell - That's Me (Explicit Version)

Another cool MV for your viewing pleasure!

Colton Ford - Tug of War

So what do you think? Hot, right?! How can I resist such hot dad?! In fact, despite some not-so-good review from others about his music, I personally think some songs in his latest album are quite good. After all, it's his first album. I would say he has done a pretty good job. You bet I have his latest album, Tug Of War, listed in my favourite albums.

26

2009-01-29T22:35:00.005+08:00

Such a weird number! Oh well, like it or not, that's the number of years I have been living in this world. So who has I become? What have I achieved? Nothing!

There's a little different this year. Last night, my friends asked me out and had non-alcoholic drink at the Laundry, The Curve. Just a normal chatting. They bought a slice of cake and we ran the small 'cake cutting ceremony', make a wish and blew the candle. It was simple and nice. Just nice. Then we talked and talked. But everyone was tired. They had been hanging out whole day. So we went home and rest. Oh well, at least I've got a small, sweet and nice birthday celebration. Better than stay home, I guess. At least, as I mentioned, there's something different this year.

Oh I have to write this down. I saw my crush in Pavilion yesterday! He looked so fine! And I think he bulk up a little. Yummy! He must have gone to the gym a lot and work out these days. Oh those big arms! I could melt in his embrace. He was waiting for someone, I guess. Coz I saw him looking around as if searching for somebody. I hope he's not waiting for his loved one. Coz I wish to be his loved-one. :p

I should've walked up and say hi. But I was with my parents and cousins. Not a good moment for that. Shit! Anyway, seeing him is good enough to make my day. Especially when he is still looking so good, even better and hotter! Ahhh... I can dream of him night and day!

And today, my big day, I spent the whole day at home! Just what I need! And I enjoyed you-tubing! Figured out a lot of interesting clips and watched some nice MV. From checking out Marco Blaze, to Colton Ford's MVs, to OZ's homo-erotic scenes, until some unknown hunks clips. Basically a great hunky feast. Good for my eyes!

Wonder how this year is gonna be. I hope everything will turn out better and better. My wish for this year? That would be too many. But I think I should really consider searching for my prince charming.

I was 25... going on 26!

Can't Help Being Stressed

2009-01-26T00:56:00.005+08:00

I think I am over-stressed.

I keep worry about my works. My supervisor had assigned me some homework to do during the Chinese New Year. Sucks, I know! Oh well, I still have to do it anyway. It's about some documentation that I need to do. Putting down all those user-requirement into words and document them. Not an easy task, I would say. Especially when I did not really perform well during my stay in Karachi as I was not really prepared and I was sick like hell, due to food poisoning.

So since I could not collect sufficient information, how am I going to document them? And who can I to blame, but myself?!

So these days every day I wake up I scratch my head wondering how am I going to do this homework of mine. Undoubtedly, it had obviously spoil my Chinese New Year mood. And I hate it. I hate worry over my works during this festive season. And everybody is enjoying the holiday! And that make me feel even more worse!

So I had decided, I will try my best and document them down and submit to my supervisor before the first day of Chinese New Year. So I did, scratching my head, going through those few notes I jotted down during my discussion with the customers, and trying to remember what they said. I managed to come out with something. But not very impressive, I would say. Some of them I would say are pieces of shits. But that's all I could produce.

And suddenly I feel like I'm a piece of shit as well!

I closed my eyes, telling myself I had done my best. I put all those documents I produced in a folder and zip it up. Wrote an email and attached the zip file and sent it to my supervisor. Right before the first day of Chinese New Year.

Relieved? Not entirely. I still feel like I am doing a shoddy work. But I already did my best. What more I can do? I keep asking myself this questions. Part of me keep saying I did my best; Another part of me keep saying that there's more that I can do to make things better.

I am tired of this mental battle, or mental fight within myself. Maybe I should just forget all these troubles or problems for this holiday and start worry again when I get back to work.

But I can never stop worry! And that kills me! Fuck!

Some Bad Days

2009-01-17T00:41:00.005+08:00

You see I have been surrounded by negativities since months ago. Ever since I started to work in the new office, back to the old office, working on another project and now working in Karachi, I have heard many complaints and gripes from colleagues. Surprisingly, even the boss also made a few complaints and shared it with us.

I doubt this will do me any good if this continue to happen.

Well, as the old saying :"If you can't defeat them, then you join them!". So I joined them. Complaining this and that and agree with whatever they are complaining, in hope that this will keep me alive in their group and be part of their 'family'. Oh, as if I have a choice, they are the only family I have now, when I am working in Karachi.

It's really disappointing that all my plans and expectations has been destroyed day by day when I reached Karachi. I thought I could enjoy working a 9 to 5 working hours and after that I could really enjoy myself in the luxurious 5 stars hotel enjoying the jacuzzi, the 100 over satellite TV channels, the gymnasium facilities, and even go sight-seeing and capture some good scenes got my blogging at night. I had that dream!

Too bad my dream didn't come true!

9 to 5 working hours? My ass! I basically have to wake up every morning around 6am and check my mails. Get myself ready including that hot shower and packing up my notebooks and fill up the bags with at least two mineral water! The weather in Karachi is cold but dry. I even have broken lips for the first few days which totally spoil my good mood! Thank to whatever up above I managed to get a lip-gloss which save me for the following days till now.

Oh where was I? Oh yeah, 9 to 5!? We had breakfast together around 8am and 830am have to be ready to be sent to the head office and start the meeting. Alright, I'll save my gripes later in this blog for how fucking annoying during work time. I'll skip it for now and talk about the time. So we end hour work at 5pm, and we have to gather at a training centre to do have a meeting to share our work experiences and discoveries of the day. Not that I am against the ideas of doing sharing, but what they shared are mostly unrelated to my area. Though I enjoyed some good laugh of those funny stories they shared during the review meeting, that hours are wasted for me.

After the meeting, which normally ends around 7pm++, we'll be sent back to the hotel. Then we'll have to decided where to have dinner. Another waste of time to determine where to dine. Then I'll have to hear complaints and gripes of the day through-out the dinner time. By the time we reach back hotel, it will be like 9pm++. Then I'll have to wash up, took shower and get myself out of the 'dust'. Yes, Karachi air is pretty polluted, in my opinion. After that, you think I can take my rest? NO WAY! I have to write meeting minutes for the day!

You see, I like to write minute if I know and understand what everybody is talking about. No offense but some people here are so good in speaking that they speak very fast with their local accent which I don't really understand. And they thought I am so good in listening and I suspect they even thought I am a professional meeting recorder that I can basically write doen each and every word they spoke. Too bad I may have deceived them with my book-nerd-like look! Oh well, I still have to complete the meeting minute no matter what and let my supervisor review before send it out to the project manageer for final review. Such a stressful work!

Only at about 11pm++ that I got to climb into my bed and start to press the TV remote control and start to watch some programs. And by the time I found my favourite channel, within the next few seconds, I already dozzed off! Fuck!

The next day will be the same old thing!

And talk about my work. I am basically here in Karachi to collect user-requirement. So I need to do a lot of interview and talk and talk and request and request more information from the user. I was allocated in the data communication conference room, together with some of my colleagues. It was a stuffy room with many computers inside. So there was this old man, who I believe is one of the top management guy, like to smoke in the room! Hey! He fucking smoke in a stuff room with air-cond on! What the hell is he thinking?! I don't really hate smokers so much before this as I don't mind other people business. But this old man really had pissed me off! It is an air-cond room for goodness sake and the room is quite stuffy already! Yet, he still without any hesitation took out the cigeratte and fucking smoke in front of us like nobody's business!

If I am not mistaken, he smoked at least 3 cigeratte per day! Imagine every day I have to be the second-hand smoker! I can imagine my lungs are now in black colour! I guess no one dare to say anything or raise an issue on that fella as he is one of the top management guy. But, again, he is not being civilized! He doesn't care about his health doesn't mean that he can spoil our health!

Expectedly, I had flu and terrible sore-throat for the next few days. See when you are sick, you can't really enjoy whatever there is for you to enjoy! Food is tasteless. Weather is cold! No matter how luxurious the hotel room is, you basically just feel numb and wish to recover from that annoying sore-throat and running nose.

And for now, I really miss Malaysia! Looking forward to go home soon next week!

P/S : It's amazing I can even write this lengthy post! Please excuse my grammer mistakes and typo error! :p

I Will Love Him From Afar

2008-12-21T00:00:00.008+08:00

There has not been a single day I live by without having a thought of him. It may be just for a second, but it's all good enough to bring smile on my face. And it's all good enough to just think about him, even just for a second, all my worries and stresses will be left behind.

But I think I'll have to start putting down all my feelings for him. Either hide it somewhere deep down inside, or just simply get rid of it. I guess he's just not into me.

We were there in The Garden with a bunch of friends. Lazy to queue up with other crowd at the Midvalley, we actually decided to sacrifice more money and bought the Gold Class ticket at the Garden to catch a movie - BOLT. Funny how the seat in the cinema seem to be all twin seat. And given the chance, or simply lucky, we were seated together side by side again. Just that this time, it's all a little different. He seemed to keep sitting away from me. Not sure if it's because I scared him off or simply not wanting to create any suspicion to those friends who were sitting behind us. So we ended up sitting away from each other at the other end, in the twin seat. Yea, awkward as it may sound. Though occasionally we laughed out loud at the obviously funny movie, this time however, I did not really enjoy the movie.

I blame on the expectation I have from him. Like we would giggled together. He would asked me more questions. We would feel comfy sitting together. Damn those stupid expectation. And I hate myself for that.

After the movie, we went out of the cinema and he was like walking so far in front of us. Not sure if he was rushing to his next destination or simply wanna get rid of me. Whatever it is, I'll just take it as a sign of "The end". That's it. I waved everyone goodbye as the others still need to stay around and do shopping or whatever.

I passed over the bridge of The Garden and Midvalley Mall. Looking through the glass window, it was raining outside. Sudden sadness appears within my heart. I kept walking. Passing by many many people I don't know. Searching for the way out of the mall, as if I was searching the way out of this valley of sorrow. Yea, I eventually was out of the mall. I caught the ktm train. Got on board. And let the train took me where I belong.

On the way back home, I don't really know what I feel. But instinct told me this has got to come to an end. Perhaps I am lucky I didn't fall too deep yet. And maybe this is for the best for both of us. The truth and funny thing is, I don't even know if he is really into guys. Hahaha... look at how pathetic I am.

Whatever it is, I have decided from now on, I'll cast my feelings for him aside. I think we're better as friends. Yea, he's a good friend. Ain't gonna ruin it by trying to ask for more from him. Things are good the way it is now.

If I really love him so, then I guess I should just love him from afar...

If He Loves Me

2008-12-11T00:08:00.004+08:00

He* was there, with me
Sitting beside me in the car
While I was driving
How I wish I could just look at him
For as long as I could
How sweet and gentle he could be

He was there, with me
Sitting beside me in a class
While we were listening to the lecturer
How I wish I could just look at him
For as long as I could
How attentive and dedicated he could be

He was there, with me
Sitting beside me at the dining table
While we were chatting and eating
How I wish I could just look at him
For as long as I could
How adorable and funny he could be

He was there, with me
Sitting beside me in the concert hall
While we were appreciating the beauty of music
How I wish I could just look at him
For as long as I could
How wonderful and amazing he could be

If he loves me
Then let him take my hands
If he loves me
Then let me fall into his embrace
If he loves me
Then let him say my name
If he loves me
I'll be the happiest man

That's if he loves me...

Random thought of a Bachelor

2008-11-30T00:41:00.005+08:00

I don't think I can be a good boyfriend. Yeah, I don't think I'll ever be one good partner. You see, I gripe too much. Complain too much! Especially these days when I have been stressed up with works and the only thing I could do is still working... and of course release my tension by griping.

Then at some point, I thought, if I were to have a boyfriend, he would have to listen to me griping all day long. And I tell you, it is not the end of stories. I can gripe all over again at the same topic, same problem, same issue and not get enough of it. I guess I am just being cynical. Luckily I have no boyfriend now (what kind of statement is this?), else he would have to find some ways to shut my big mouth up!

Anyway, back to being a good boyfriend or partner, I suddenly think I am not ready. Or maybe there's no such thing whether we are ready or not to get into a relationship. Some said when love comes, you can't run away. So just accept it and let love leads the way. Yet I'm afraid. Not sure of what. Looking at friends and colleagues around me, a lot of compromises and efforts need to be made to sustain a good relationship. There are good times and bad times. And the thought of later on having to form a family follow by more commitment and responsibilities scare me off.

You see, I have always been alone. Both my siblings have got their boyfriend/girlfriend. It's nice to see that they always have someone to look for when they're happy or sad. And there'll always be someone to talk to or hang around when they're free. But there's always some not-so-nice thing like taking care of the partner's feeling, making time for them, listen to their gripes when they have problems and so on. And me always find myself free from such trouble. Being a lone-ranger, I just do what I want when I want and how I want. No need to consider extra thing like whether this will make my boyfriend happy and should I bring him in too etc.

My sister lately told me she's impressed by me, on the fact that I can live life alone. Not that she could not, for she is quite an independent lady herself. Maybe she has got used to the fact that there'll always be someone there when she needs him. You see, I'm not so proud of being complimented about able to live a life, because I could not. No one is an island. But I must admit that being single has its certain advantages, like maybe some freedom.

But it is sad really when you need someone to just be beside you, and maybe talk to you a little... yet there's nobody there. Like last Friday, after a long stressing weeks of working, I thought I could find someone to just hang out and chill on a friday night. I didn't want to go home just yet to face that lifeless wall. Of course I can just give some friends a call and maybe they might or might not just be there for me. But then I thought maybe I shouldn't bother them as KL was having terrible traffic congestion and it was raining/drizzling.

So there I was standing in front of my office building, wondering if I should stay in KL go shopping, watching movie alone, or just go for dinner alone? I stood there for almost 20 minutes. Yes, 20 minutes! All the passer-by must have wondering what was that freak doing, standing there doing nothing. Finding myself pathetic, I finally dragged myself back into the parking lot and drove home.

Christmas songs were playing while I was driving. And I was feeling hungry and... lonely(I hate to say this but... well I said it). I then stopped at a nice cosy cafe near my house, ordered myself dinner. With my stomach-filled, the restlessness disappeared. With the light music playing at the background and the ever romantic yellowish lights, I just sat there and enjoyed the drizzling rain. Cool and cosy.

* I am inspired to write this post after watching the movies "Never Been Kissed" & "The Nanny Diaries" which were shown in Astro HBO Channel this afternoon. Chic-flicks always make me wanna have a boyfriend! Dammit!

Frustrated

2008-11-25T23:50:00.004+08:00

Frustrated.

I was assigned the most difficult tasks because I am the senior.

I am using an ancient programming language which I am not familiar to perform some enhancement on the system. And the due date is just around the corner.

The fresh grad who sit beside me doesn't help at all. I already am short of time to finish my assignment, yet I am expected to guide him to finish his assignment. In the end, both of us couldn't deliver on the target date. And the next assignment coming in. Another dateline is given. So we have to complete the first assignment and also the next assignment. And I am trying to meet the target date this time. Yet again, the junior beside me doesn't help. He is still struggling with his first assignment and the second deadline is just around the corner. =_='''

I have another 3 assignments to be completed before mid December. And I must complete all assignment by then. Else, I'll not be able to join the next big project which will bring more opportunities to me. And looking at the tasks I have in hands... I am not sure if I could finish them all in time.

Frustrated.

Facial Treatment

2008-11-09T21:19:00.004+08:00

It was just a stupid suggestion which I unintentionally blurted out during our morning breakfast conversation the other day with my mother and sister :

"Hmm... mommy! I think I should go do facial! Nowadays always find my face very oily and irritating."

To my surprise, she said yes I should go for a facial treatment and even suggested the treatment centre which she has always been. Of course, that suggestion follows by a strings of how we should take care our face and that we should take care since we're young and bla bla bla... What shocked me the most was after that breakfast, we actually went to that facial centre right away to try our luck. Too bad the schedule was full that day and we had to make an appointment. So we did. And yes, I went for my first facial treatment yesterday.

I ain't gonna describe the whole process. But there are two main things worth mentioning here. First, is the facial massage. Mmm... I like it! Very de-stressing! The therapist applied some don't-know-what lotion or cream on my face and massaged my face repeatedly. It was just fantastic. Although it may be tickly for some part of the face, overall it's very comforting. And the therapist does know where to press on our face and it felt amazingly great. Love this to the max. How I wish the whole process was just this?! But no! There's always the good and the bad!

The bad part was of course when the therapist try to 'treat' your face! Oh yes, get rid of your black heads, pimples and all that dirty things off your face. Oh how innocent I was when I thought using the facial scrubs or something to wash our face will get rid of those dirty things?! No way! Apparently they reside so deep under the skin of our face that the therapist need to actually 'dig' or 'pinch' them out! And it was fucking painful! They have this tool (I have no idea how it looks like as my eyes were covered through-out the process.) which they use to press to get rid of whatever unwanted on my face. Sometime if the black-heads or whatever-dirty-stuff is too big and couldn't be pinched out, they actually use a needle or something similar to poke a hole on the face so that they would come out of the face! (At least that was what I felt! They use needle to poke my face! :-| )

You have no idea how tensed I was when they pinched, and pressed, and poked, and pressed, and pinch, and... painful painful painful! It was like being sent to hell for a while! Of course, after that, back to more creamy lotion and facial massage which I immediately felt like being saved from hell and been sent to heaven again! :D

The whole process took 2 hours! Unbelievable! Right after the treatment, I look into the mirror and saw nothing different actually. Still that 'scarred' face with a few black dots here and there. For one moment I told myself :"Cheh! So what!? Still the same old face!" But that night before I went to sleep, I went to wash my face. And when I touched my face, oh gosh, it was as smooth as the silk! So strange! And I actually admired my face for awhile! Oops! Self-indulgence! :P

Ahh... now I need to take care of my facial skin. I normally just wash my face with facial foam. Guess what, I have my facial foam, toner and moisturizer prepared in the toilet for my daily use. And my mom and sister even suggested that we should go do facial treatment every month. =_='''

To Change Or Not To Change

2008-11-04T21:32:00.006+08:00

It has been a few weeks, or months, that I basically procrastinating in the office. Not because I don't have works to do. Well I have, but I just don't feel like doing them as there's no due date. And yes, that's the bad habit of mine. Always do things last minute. See, I even typed out this post during office hour when I am supposed to finish my works first.

And then lately the thought of hunting for a new job actually came across my mind. Quite shocking to me actually, because I normally won't simply think about changing job. Especially when I have just recently been transferred to a new team working for a new project. Then tonnes of question came into my mind:

Am I bored of my current job? Am I just seeking an easy way out to avoid working so hard? Am I escaping from something? Am I just tired of programming? Or is it something else?

Coincidentally, my current company's Public Relation or Communication/Marketing Manager has resigned and I believe, there should be a vacancy, eventhough I see no sign of the company hiring new staff to fill in the vacancy. I have talked to the manager, and she actually told me that I could be a potential candidate for the replacement. But I'll just have to take the initiative and talk to the boss about my interest in that position.

At the very same time, the Hotel where I coordinated the wedding for my friend recently is hiring staff for hotel event management. Guess I've impressed my friend so much that she actually think I should work there and recommended me to the event management staff in the Hotel. So now I'll just have to wait for the email to reach my mailbox and I can pick it up from there.

Honestly, I am interested in both opportunities. I have always been interested in dealing with customers. More fun and interesting. And to help provide service and satisfy the customers' needs make me feel happy and satisfied as well. (OK, I know you're giggling about me satisfy someone's need?! No?!) I guess I am a customer-driven person. Love to see their happy face knowing that it is because I have helped make their days!

But then again, a person from IT background to PR/Event management, it is such a huge change! I am not sure if that's a mistake?! Deep down inside, I know that I am not a technical person. I don't see myself being in IT field for the rest of my life. And I don't have this great passion in programming as well. So I guess that is one of the good reasons I should consider the opportunities I have in hand now? And then knowing the current economy situation, I am not sure if I am making a mistake to change job. Is it a risk worth taking?

And that's not all. There are a lot more concerns which I am just lazy to describe here. Hmm... Now I know, changing job isn't that easy! Perhaps I should just forget about changing job and stick to my current job. But the thought of sitting in front of the computer doing programming for another few years kills me!

I don't know... :p

The Wedding

2008-10-22T21:46:00.003+08:00

If you still remember I was asked to be a wedding planner few months back. It's amazing how time flies and with just a glimpse of the eyes, the wedding has just passed me by. Oh, and it went very well, indeed.

Me being a wedding planner? No No No! I am just too inexperienced to be one. Come on, asking a person like me who is a programmer and not an event organizer to plan a wedding? A WEDDING? Stop pulling my legs, please! In fact, my friend who was the bride planned the whole wedding herself. So I ended up being her wedding coordinator. What's my job? My job is to make sure everything goes as planned. Yes, sound simple, right? Actually, it is NOT simple! NOT AT ALL!

A few weeks before the actual day, I was flooded with plans and plans. Contact person, agendas, emails for confirmation, hotel bookings, wines, flowers, decorations, CDs and all that jazz. It's like suddenly I have an extra job and have to perform multi-tasking. I even have to take one day off from work one day before the actual day to finalize the wedding plan with the bride and groom. Oh well, I admit I needed a reason to get away from work. :p

So the actual day went well. I was the Master of Ceremony who spoke mandarin during the wedding ceremony. Yeah, not only coordinating the whole event, has to be MC as well. I am telling you I did multi-tasking! What a good friend I am, heh?! Luckily no big catastrophe happened. Despite the rain which caused a small little chaos, everything went well.

Soon after the ceremony which was held in the afternoon, I went home to rest and prepare for the wedding dinner. Yeah, I have to be early at the Hotel to make sure everything was in order. Oh and tell you what, I was so amazed when I went into the wedding hall. The deco and setting is just beautiful! Ice-carving with the wedding photo inside and colourful light shone on it. I love the main VVIP table! Those roses, candles and settings... just perfect! Sorry I don't know how to describe. I am just bad at describing! :p I wish I took a photo of it but I was just too busy coordinating and going through my checklist. And I was so anxious because the lady with the "march in" song CD has not arrived yet! But she made it anyway so we could test the CD before the show was ON! Phew! *Sweat*

So basically I was running here and there through-out the dinner. Giving cue to the floor manager, making sure the music wasn't too loud and air-cond is working, giving cue to the MC to start the next item on the agenda, paying attention to the VVIP table to see if the bride or groom needed anything... busy busy busy! And I have to work with the floor manager from the Hotel to control the food serving, when to stop and when to resume.

Oh and that's not all. I also have to accompany the bride & groom with the family to do toasting from table to table. Yeah, chinese tradition. They really love to do this. With wine or liquor in their hands, starting from one table to another, they will screamed out loudly "Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaammmmm..................... Seng!" and the longer and louder they screamed, the better it is! Imagining going from one table to another table screaming at the top of our voice! And there are 20+ tables that night! It was fun though! :p

I went home that night feeling high and exhausted! And I couldn't sleep that night. Why? I caught cold, having terrible sore-throat and high fever. My throat was so pain that I couldn't lie on my bed to sleep. I switched off the fan and tried to cover myself with blanket so that I can sweat to release the heat from my body. But no sweat at all. And it was tormenting!! I was awake the whole night, watched a few drama series, and I ended up in the living room switching on TV watching "The Nanny" on Hallmark channel. It was till 7am that I managed to fall into sleep on the sofa in the living room. It was that bad!

Anyway, I really enjoyed helping out the wedding event. Part of it is because I learnt a lot from this. Meeting new people, organizing things, making sure everything is in order... it was fun. Another part of it is because I helped make my friend's to have a memorable and wonderful wedding event! I am just glad I'm able to help. In fact, I enjoyed the process. I am so ready to become a wedding planner for my sister! :D

A Pleasant Evening

2008-10-17T23:46:00.007+08:00

I can't remember when was the last time I have such pleasant evening. A few friends sitting together at the same round table, talked about anything and everything. Remember good old days and sharing funny stories among ourselves while we laughing out loud.

Yeah, it was really fun. I just attended a friend's son's one-month-old birthday and I got to meet a few friends there. Though we're not best friends, we're close enough to talk about most of the things and share a few laughs. And I felt this is something I really like. Feeling comfortable and care-free. Nothing to worry about. Just sit together and talks something, doesn't matter if it's important or not.

And we all felt comfortable and enjoy each other's company. What made the whole thing better, is that the possible one was there, and he was sitting right beside me, again, through-out the whole event. Love the way he laughs, and the look on his face when he try not to laugh. At one point he moved further apart from me though. Not sure if I offended him or something? Or maybe he just need more space?! Not sure. But we all still enjoying talking and laughing until everyone else left. And we were the last group of people leaving the house.

Once I reached home, I received a sms from him saying that he's being stucked in the traffic congestion. I almost wanted to reply "Oh dear, wish I could be there with you to keep you company in the car." But nah... ain't gonna scare him off. I suggested him to listen to the radio instead. Another sms from him when he reached home and say good night. Knowing him, most probably the last sms was sent to everyone.

It was a pleasant evening, indeed. Especially with the possible one there. Hmm...

Role-Playing Games (RPG)

2008-10-14T23:00:00.004+08:00

OK, don't get me wrong! I don't play game. I mean I don't play those video games, xbox, WII bla bla bla... NO NO NO! Those are not for me. Although I used to play MARIO like a maniac when I was young, I don't think I am addicted to playing any of those games nowadays.

However, while coding (Or programming. Or creating a program) today, suddenly the thought of being a slutty bitch today came across my mind. Don't ask me why. I have no specific solid reason for what, why, when, how, where... It's just me! Spontaneous and Impromptu! If you really need an answer, let's just say - Because I am a slutty Bitch today?! Wahaha... Dirty talks, flirty messages... Mmm... come on baby!

Then, I was thinking again, maybe tomorrow I'll be something else. How about a gentleman? Let's see what kind of gentleman I was talking about. Well-educated, well-mannered, well-groomed, what else? Soft-spoken? A man who does everything gracefully and elegantly. OMG, did I just say gracefully? (0_0)''' Oh and definitely wearing suit and tie! Oh my my my! That's so my fetish!

Hmm.., how about the following day? Maybe a construction worker?! Ooooh... A man working under the hot hot sun. Muscular arms and huge pecs. Firm ass with big thighs. Rough, sexy and HOT! Not to mention those muddy t-shirt and the faded jeans? Imagine lifting something and unconsciously flexing those muscles? Ooh... I want to be that man! Sex in the construction site? Ah... one of my fantasy! :p Oops!

Actually there are more, teacher, personal trainer, boss, painter, gigolo... hmm...role playing can be fun. But guess what! That'll only happen in my mind. :p So what do you want to be today?

A Moment of Bliss

2008-10-13T22:37:00.005+08:00

Listening to Chris Botti's jazzy music while lying on my bed trying to fall into sleep. I think I feel a moment of bliss. Like I'm the happiest man in the world. Soothing music, comfortable bed... what more can I ask for?! No worries, care-free...

And I wish I could capture that moment, and feel it every day, every night, every moment...

Communication

2008-10-09T23:22:00.004+08:00

I should join communication/marketing line. Or maybe aim to become a communication manager in the next 5 to 10 years. Yes, I enjoy communicating with people. And not just typing email, chatting online or texting sms. I love sitting down face to face and have a good conversation. Doesn't matter if it is for leisure, or a meeting to solve problem, or a simple briefing session to provide information to the audience.

Let's see what I like to do :-

1) Writing email
Ooh yes, I love writing emails. You bet most of my emails are very lengthy and well organized (self-claimed). How I love to greet the recipients with a big wide smile like this --> :D and then enjoy choosing the right and correct words to convey my message in the email. I even enjoy correcting and beautifying each and every line so that the reader will feel comfortable reading it as if they are being pampered by my "soothing" words. Bwahahahaha... Of course there must be a few lines of compliments to the recipients to make them happy or feel respected (even though some of them are bitches and bastards! Oops! :p) Not to forget ending the email with some flowery words to thank their kind attention and/or cooperation etc.

And guess what, I don't mind spending hours and hours to write a good email. I don't mind putting efforts in writing email. I feel great that I managed to pass the message to whoever necessary. And I feel the satisfaction when everything that needed to be said can be put into words and spread around to everyone so they benefit from my "documentary". No wonder I am always the one who were asked to do documentation. :p

Seriously, my english is not superb. Grammer mistakes can be found here and there. I wish I could have more time to read more so that I could enrich my vocabulary. But I guess I can just read blogs and maybe newspaper once in a blue moon to brush up my english.

I have a weird habit though. When I am free, I always browse back my "sent box" and enjoy reading those lengthy emails I wrote. Ah, the satisfaction is just indescribable! Call me a freak? As if I care! :p

2) Attending Meeting
Yes I did mention about how sickening a meeting can be, especially those lengthy and unproductive meeting. But I actually like to go for a meeting. Partly because I can escape from sitting and working in the office all day long until my firm butt went flat; Another part is because I got to meet people. Yippie! I love meeting new people. Oh one more thing! I got to dress up! Yippie, wearing nice shirt, nice pant with a nice tie. Oooh, feel so great about myself! Who doesn't when one is dressing up?!

And during the meeting, I got to improve my speaking skill and people skill. Yes, those are essential skills which we need to acquired in this competitive world. And I enjoy observing people when they speak. The words they used, their body language, how they carry themselves, how they hide their weaknesses and so on. Very interesting!

I am very grateful I took up public speaking class during my university. At least I can speak well enough that the audience understand what I was trying to say. Some just couldn't express themselves and with those "Arr...Err... how to say aar?! You know la?!", not so nice, right?!

Oh and I got to meet hunky stud in suit and tie! HOT HOT HOT! I did went to a meeting with men from foreign countries. They are HUGE! Huge face, huge pecs, huge arms... their shirt so tight I can almost see every single muscles through it.... I was like "OMG, instant erection!" And you know their exotic accent and good look, I almost fail to concentrate on whatever they were trying to say. Luckily I always manage to "keep myself awake" and get things done. Oh how can I forget their firm handshake?! Almost wet my pant! :p

3) Presentation/Briefing
OK, I am not really good in presentation seriously. But once in a while I need to do presentation in order to present my ideas to the colleagues/teammates, or maybe teaching users on how to use the system.

Yes a lot of efforts on preparation need to be done to ensure a successful presentation. You need to know what you are talking about and make sure the audience will understand every single things you say. Yes, I enjoy the process of preparing for a presentation. Preparing slides, put all the contents into points form, picking good examples to help user understand better. Those are fun!

Even though most of the time, the time given for the preparation and very short (yes I hate this part), I still, luckily, managed to prepare well enough to present whatever needed to be presented. And again, I feel satisfied when people understand what I am trying to say. Feel like an educator. So proud of myself. Kakakaka!

Although there is always the Q & A session, which can be scary sometime as you won't know what kind of questions the audience will throw at you. But I guess response like "That's a good questions! I will look into it and get back to you later!" will help keep me out of trouble. But if used too often, I'll be in deep shit too. That's why preparation is so important!

Again, during presentation, you also got to see some more hunky studs. They could be those shy one? Sitting there staring at you while you were talking up front? Or maybe those smart one who throw at you with many many questions after your presentation. LOL... If only those hunky studs were interested, I'll just shut their mouth with mine. Wishful thinking! :p

Hmm... now I know what I like to do. So what do you think my next job will be? Communication Executives? Or telephone operator? Or a clark? Marketing Officer? Customer Service? Hotel Management? Bwahahahaha... most probably I'll still be sitting in front of the computer doing programming! (=_=)'''

The Possible One

2008-10-02T01:01:00.007+08:00

Is he the one? A question I have been asking myself many times over the years. Somehow I managed to tell myself that maybe it's just my wishful thinking that he is gay and that he will like me. Or it's stupid to even think about there's a chance between us. Anyway, he's one of the few good men in my life.

Tell me you want me.

And I was shocked when I heard someone said that he is actually into guys. And that he love to watch handsome men more than pretty women! Gosh, really?! Is that person joking?! Part of me glad to have heard that; Another part of me actually pour myself a cold water and said :" Cheh! So what?! That doesn't prove or confirm that he is gay and even if he is, you are not even sure if you are his type!"

Oh well, it's true. But a man at his age still single and available, pretty good-looking and kind-hearted and well-mannered and soft-spoken and down-to-earth and thoughtful and health-conscious and... Oops, did I just mention all his good attributes and great personality?! And I haven't seen him in any relationship since the day I know him. I heard he had been in a relationship once, with a girl, I presumed. And that the relationship ended in a pretty depressing way. Well, I don't know the detail. And not sure if I need to know about it. :p

However, I was asked to go out for a movie by a friend and he was invited as well. So we, a bunch of guys and gals braved ourselves to Pavilion to catch the movie - Mamma Mia! Well, before the movie we went for dinner first, of course! And he was sitting beside me. :p Nothing interesting happened, but I was just glad that he was sitting beside me. :p And then when it's time for the movie, we went into the cinema. And yes, again, he was sitting beside me. Yes, again! :p

Wish he would be with me everyday!

And you bet through out the movie I could not really focus on the movie screen. Not because the movie isn't nice, but I just couldn't help to check out his reaction towards the movie from scene to scene. Oh, and we did exchange our thoughts a few times through-out the movie.

The possible One : Pierce Brosnan's body is out of shape!
Me : Yeah, pretty obvious, huh?!
The possible One : Meryl Streep can really sing!
Me : Yeap, and Pierce Brosnan and the young leading actor are not as good as her in singing.
The possible One : I think I remember the 'dad' from some other movie, which movie again?!
Me : I am not sure. I only familiar with Pierce Brosnan and Collin Firth.

And yeah, on and off, we sang along when the movie was playing the familiar songs we've heard when we were young.

I don't know. I would be lying if I said I have no feelings for him. I'll definitely say yes if he ever asked me out. But I can't see how it will be if we were together. And from how much I know about him, I don't think he is looking for a companion like me. And you know, sometime it is better for two persons to remain just friends. Perhaps perhaps perhaps...

If you're not the one, then...

"I have a dream...a song to sing..."

Emo-Guy

2008-09-29T20:41:00.004+08:00

I am such an emo-guy. As in emotional? Yeah, I still am. Happy for now and the next minute, I can be all sorrowful. Give me another few minutes I might just wipe my tears away and start finding the reasons for me to laugh out loud again.

Oh, and yes I don't really hide my feelings. All of them will be displayed on my face whether I want it or not. You will know when I am really happy. Yes, written on my face. Sad, not enough sleep, exhausted, pissed-off, excited... yes you can read them all from my face. Ok, maybe that only happen to my close friends.

I am, most of the time smiling when I meet my customers. Note that I said, most of the time, because sometime, I couldn't help but give some of those bitchy customers an evil stare. Sometime I am not sure if my fake smile was so real that the customers actually thought I was really smiling and happy to receive or accept their unreasonable requirement and non-sense comments.

Ah... I don't know. Maybe I have multiple personalities? Who knows?

Or was it all because I am gay? Maybe gay man is a little bit more sensitive and emotional compare to others. We have to go through certain event that some others didn't have to. So we tends to be emotional and 'imbalance' a bit? Err... Maybe only me. :p

But one thing I noticed though. I don't get the chance to be all emotional as I was so busy with works these days. The only feelings I have is busy busy busy... tired tired tired... and you don't get to show your emotion to your boss. My colleagues? They said I am always tired. Yes, so tired to be happy, sad, excited or whatever it is. So I'm like a emotionless zombie to them.

Only on this fine Monday that I got to be myself and really do what I want without even thinking about work. Why? Because I took leave! :p

And I got emotional again. Not in a bad way. Watch some dramas and cry a bit. Watch some truly amazing performance and found tears in my eyes as I was so touched by their sincerity and amazing performance. Crazy and weird, I know! :p Then later in the evening I watch "The Nanny". Some old and hilarious British comedy and I laugh like a bitch. The Nanny is just so freaking funny and I love her unique laughter! Ahahahaha.... if you know what I mean.

Guess what, I just finished download the latest episode of Brothers and Sisters, I'm sure I'll go "Aww... that's so sweet!" or something similar while watching the show and hugging my favourite pillow in my bed.

Tonight I Wanna Cry

2008-09-24T23:50:00.006+08:00

Not sure if it is the pressure I have, or the emptiness I am feeling inside me, I suddenly have the urge to just breakdown and cry. Stupid and weird as it may sound, but yeah, I feel like I crying. Letting tears run down across my cheeks, to my lips, down to my chin and drop on my shirt... as if the negativities in life, will just flow together with the tears, out of my body...

"I don't like self-pity!", a simple phrase, has given me a tight slap on my face. And it hurts. And it hurts so much that my heart-ached. It hurts so much that I even got angry. And something within me was going to burst. But I managed to take a deep breath... and realized that I deserved that. Self-pity, yeah I guess I have always been doing that.

Letting myself drown into the deep valley of despair and sorrow, I found myself emotionless. I went numb. For one moment, my mind really went into a total blank. No feelings, no thoughts, no nothing. And there's no tear.

Keith Urban - Tonight I Wanna Cry

Sorry for not being strong enough. I know, I am doing that again. Self-pity. Just let me be... let me be... at least, for tonight...

Being Caught In The Middle

2008-09-23T23:23:00.005+08:00

You know there are times in our life that we will be caught in the situation whereby we do not know whether to say yes to this or to say no to that. And it is so hard to make the absolutely right decision that we wish we could just close our eyes for just one moment and the situation will turn better for a bit. Yeah right! And lately I have been in that kind of situation in many ways.

I am in such a mess!

Between Two Bosses
Oh yeah, I have been slowly transferring to the new team to work on a new project recently. But the process of transferring is so slow that I still have to work on my previous project and at the same time focus more on my current project. In short, I have to work on two projects at a time. And I have to report to two bosses at the same time as well. Of course, my priority will be my current project. But when there are things that I needs or if I want to apply for leave, I wonder if I should apply from my previous supervisor or my current supervisor. Not sure if I will offend any one of them whoever I decided to report to. Computer memory space not enough, should I get from old boss or new boss? My monthly claim should report to the old boss or the new boss? Awkward awkward awkward!

Between Morality and Sexuality
I was brought up in a conservative chinese family which value morality. And we are so sincere as a Buddhist that I even attended Buddhist teaching classes and took the examination. Oh did I mention I even got an A1 in my SPM Pendidikan Moral? A1, man! You think easy aar?! Not many people can get it you know! Hah! While I was shamelessly boasting about how good I am in understanding the theory of moral, I am basically immoral. We were taught not to have sex until the day we got married! How funny is that?! Sex in the sauna room, surfing porn sites, downloading and watching porn clips while wanking... Oh homosexuality! Tsk tsk tsk... it's even illegal in this country. Wait a minute. Was it homosexuality that is illegal or the act of sodomy is illegal? I am not sure myself. But I was taught that being gay is immoral. Men are supposed to be with women. Men and women, that's natural. Oh well, I like men! Welcome to my real world!

Men! Sex! And Men!

Between Dreams and Reality
I have always want to pursue my music career. May it be a singer, a piano teacher, a performer... anything about music. I love playing piano so much that I could play on the piano for hours without feeling bored. I love singing so much that I would sing my heart out every now and then. But where am I now? Working in an IT firm at least 12 hours a day (and even during weekend sometimes) just to have sufficient income to pay my study loan and also to support my family. No time to practice piano, no time to improve my singing skill. Luckily I can still attend choir practice at least once a week to have a good time, but that does not help to improve my singing skill. Well maybe it will, but it will take a very long time.

What am I gonna do?!

I don't know. Like I said. I wish I could just close my eyes and just live my life. Guess I am still doing it. And not sure where this will lead me to. Urgh! Thinking all this itself is tiring! Sucks!

Random Update

2008-09-20T23:52:00.003+08:00

Just wanna post a clip here.Reasons for posting this clip :-

1) It's a music video with some of my favourite scenes from the movie - Jeffrey, which I've just watched.
2) The movie talks about gay guys falling in love and one of them is HIV+. Which I could relate to my phobia of having sex in fear of being infected with the deadly disease and my obsession with cleanliness due to the same reason.
3) The music is just nice and soothing.
4) I am just not in the mood to write a lengthy post.
5) Love watching two fine hunky studs looking and talking to each other. Michael Terry Weiss is so fine! Oh Damned! Did I just wet my short?! Fucked!

Have a nice weekend! :D

A Letter To My Love - Being Worry

2008-09-15T23:23:00.005+08:00

Hey Love,

You have no idea how much I miss you so. But I guess you're there missing me too.

So you missed me too?

You know lately I've been thinking. I have a lot of things. A lot, if I really count each and every single item I possessed. And I have most of the things I want. But, I can't seem to really enjoy them all. Why? I guess I tend to worry a little... ok, I worry too much. Am I? So much that I missed a lot of things I could have had.

Just for today, I worried so much about driving over something or someone that I missed the pleasure of driving in my own car. Not only that, I also don't get to hang around with friends or just simply driving around the KL city enjoy the city's lights. I worried so much about the possibility that I might have knocked someone off on my way back home that I wasted a lot of time and efforts to convinced myself that I might have just driven over a rock/wood on the road; I worried so much about my hands being dirty that I missed the fun of eating foods with my bare hands. I worried so much about leaving things behind that I wasted a lot of time checking and checking before I leave from one spot to another. I worried so much that one day my house will be broken in by thieves that I locked my bedroom's door and window when I sleep eventhough it'll be stuffy and hot inside the room. And the list doesn't end here...

Yes, worrying over things has become a habit to me. Stop worrying? Yes, I told myself that millions and millions of times. I'm afraid I have immuned to that. But then come to think again, if I have immuned to that, I would've stopped worrying now. Somehow I'm glad that at least I won't worry till my heart ache and cause me sleepless night like I used to be. I guess I have immuned to the side effects of being worry. Or to see it from other perspective, it is as if worrying, has become part of my life, part of me. It's like a disease which cannot be cured, but can be controlled.

Only you can make me happy!

And suddenly whatever I have seems to be unnecessary anymore as I seem to be a person who is incapable of being happy. Yeah, waking up in the morning till the moment before I fall into sleep. There are thousands and millions of things that I can worry about and they basically took away all the reasons for me to be happy. So what that I possessed a car? So what that I have a degree? So what that I have nice shirts and CK underwears? Meaningless!

I hope this is just a process or period in life that I will need to go through. For as long as I need to worry, I really hope that one day it will stop, or fade away. It is exhausting, indeed! But if I were meant to worry that much in this life, then let me be strong enough to carry the 'weight'. Yes, if worry is something I should do, then let me do it happily and steadily. Whatever it is, just let me be strong and wise enough to know how to enjoy living my life to the fullest!

Anyway, I still strongly believe that this will somehow come to an end someday. I just need to hold on tighter to my faith and be strong. Yes, after so many turbulences and troubled times in life, this too shall pass. By then the sun will shines and rainbow of hopes will appear within my heart. So, don't you ever worry too much about me!

By the way, I love this following clip very much and I wish someday I can come home and see my love, you, every single day. Will you help me change the light bulb and make me dinner? LOL... you know I love you! *kisses*

Alright, I shall stop here, love. I'll write again soon! Please take good care!

Your love,

Ryan

A Car-less Day

2008-09-06T18:22:00.006+08:00

It has been more than three months since I last taken a public transport. Oh yes, I hated to squeeze with other smelly and sweaty men so much that I finally bought myself a cheap car and drive to work. Unfortunately, there was an electricity breakdown yesterday and I couldn't open the auto front gate so my car was 'stucked' inside the house. Oh there was a key to open the gate manually, but I don't know why it didn't help to open the gate even though I've tried for almist 15 minutes. Realizing the time was running out, I took a taxi and went to work yesterday. And it fucking cost me RM15!

Want me to give you a ride, honey?

Not only that, the taxi driver was having flu I guess. He kept on opening his window and spit while he was driving. And he coughed constantly and I feared that he would have coughed out his lungs or something. What a bad start of the day! But it was Friday! So my happy mood didn't fade away just because I didn't get to drive to work. :p

Anyway, after working hour, I thought of getting taxi back home. But then it was raining and the traffic congestion in KL city was just horrible horrible horrible! So I went to Pavilion with colleagues and ex-colleagues to have a nice dinner in a Japanese restaurant. Though I hate the fact that I have to spend a lot (nothing is cheap in Pavilion), I still enjoyed my meal and have a good laugh with those colleagues. I guess we were the noisiest table in the restaurant. And we laughed out real loud! We didn't really care! :p

So after that nice dinner, we took our separate way and it was almost 10pm already. I tried to take a taxi. When I managed to stop the first taxi, I opened the door and asked:

"I need to get to Heaven!"

"Where in Heaven actually?"

"Err... Gay Street in Heaven?"

"Oh! Ok, but it will cost RM20!"

"What?! That's too expensive!"

"Yeah! But please understand I can drive you there, but it will be difficult for me to get any customer on my way back here in Hell!"

"Never mind! Thank You! Bye!"

"OK. Bye!"

And he drove off. I don't mind giving extra few ringgit. But RM20 is just too much from KL to my home. Since I have not taken the monorail for a long time. I thought of trying that again. So I went to the nearest monorail station and buy my ticket.

Clean up before you come anywhere near me!

You see, when I was waiting for the monorail to come, there was this man standing behind me and he fucking coughed WITHOUT covering up his damned mouth!!! Yucks, yucks, yucks!! See! That's why I don't like to take public transport!

And that didn't end my misery. When the monorail finally arrived, the whole train was full with people. So full that I needed to squeeze in. Having no choice, I made my way into the train and basically trying not to inhale too much and singing some song in my head to get my attention away from the awful smell and the thought of germs and bacterias were surrounding me. Luckily I didn't have to wait long for the train to reach my destination. What a relieve! However, at the destination, I still need to take a cab to reach my home. Luckily I managed to get a decent cab (proton wira) and got home. Phew!

Come let me take you for a ride?!

I am so not taking public transport anymore. Even though I hate traffic congestion in KL, I don't mind stuck in a traffic jam in my own car where I can enjoy the cooling air-condition and listening to my favourite songs, and singing along. I so love my car now! :p

Being Contend

2008-08-21T23:30:00.004+08:00

Being bored and has nothing to do this afternoon (which is quite a surprise or miracle), I basically bugging everyone I know on my gtalk chat list and trying to strike up a conversation. Too bad most of them were busy or caught up with their works and so on. Oh well, can't really blame them. I am the one who was abnormally free this afternoon.

Free to play with me?!

Anyway, I got to chat with this friend of mine whom I always look for whenever I feel bored. Because she is such a talkative person. Once start, she can't seem to stop. And that's what I needed for this afternoon. Listening to her telling me endless stories from office, colleagues, family to some unknown person she likes or dislikes. Yes, and I just listened and laughed. No doubt my colleagues sitting next to me would have wondered why was I smiling ever so widely at the monitor screen. As if I care! :p

Anyway, I was shocked when she told me she used to be a beggar. Yes, you hear me right, a beggar she was! Then she told me that sad and depressing story of hers. She was too young then so couldn't remember much of the detail. But that's what she was told by her (adopting) parents. Poor her.

Don't make me beg!

Saddening as it may be. But I'm just glad she has a family now and don't have to go beg in the street. My family used to be very poor too. I remember there was once when mom said we didn't have money to buy food and the whole family just eat maggie mee for dinner. I remember that well. Yet, we were all happy then. Partly because I love to eat maggie mee (regardless what flavour it is), and my parents made it sounds like we were having maggie mee feast. LOL... But we did know that we were poor enough to have a proper dinner.

And the poverty (hardly poverty la) didn't last long. We soon have good supplies of food and decent clothes and parents always make sure we are under a secured roof. :D Love'em so much!

So looking and counting on what I have and possessed now, I am pretty thankful. A nice house to live in. A family to be with. A nice and decent bedroom with my newly-bought computer desktop and so on. Even got myself a decent job with a good salary. Guess I should be contend.

But then again, human is always greedy. Desires and wants. I want to have an air-cond in my bedroom. I want to buy new shirts, new shoes, new underwear! More books. And maybe go traveling around the world once in awhile... and I want more salary income.

Maybe a little peace within will be enough...

I guess I failed terribly for being contend! :P

Man-Hunt in the Chatroom

2008-08-17T20:58:00.004+08:00

It was years ago when everyone was so into IRC that I basically logged on into mirc every single day during my secondary school. I don't know why I did that but I guess it was just for fun. It was kind of stupid actually where I basically chatted with my schoolmates who I met everyday in the school. It was as if meeting and attending class together in school for half of the day wasn't good enough, and we still have to log on online into mirc and chatted the hell out of us.

Wanna meet up, sexy?!

It was also during that period when the naughty part of me entering the naughty chat room gaymalaysia and chatted with some strangers who will always start their conversation as follow :-

Stranger : Hi
Me : Hi
Stranger : a/s/l
Me : What?
Stranger : a/s/l
Me : What is a/s/l?
Stranger : Age/Sex/Location
Me : Oh...

Yeah that stupid "a/s/l" thingie. And then I also stupidly started any conversation by using that phrase. As if it's the opening phrase, a pick-up line, a greeting? OK, hardly pick up line nor greeting. But that was what happened. And not just that. People can come up with so many different funny names likes : hornyguy, dick-sucker, gwmforgam, gamforgwm, hotstud, fukbuddy, hotchistud, lickme...etc. Oh, what the hell. Even I put a screenname : desperado. Yeah I was that desperate. Nothing happened though. No meet-ups or anything. Just a few cybersex and phonesex which again I soon found it boring and pathetic!

From then on, I never log on mirc or anything like that. First I find it very unreal to chat to a stranger online. Yeah we can remain anonymous and speak freely. But there was this emptiness after each conversation that make me feel worthless and meaningless. I rather engage in a real conversation where I can talk to a person face-to-face and know each other better. I love watching and observing a person. Especially those I am really interested in. Hahaha... Who doesn't?

Mmm... you're hot!

I guess it has been a decade since I last logged on to any chatroom and chat with some stranger. Just talked to a few bloggers who I know from some other blogger... well at least I got to know them better through their blogs, even though I haven't met most of them. So realizing I should enlarge my circle of friends, especially the gay friends, I thought I should start socialize.

But that's a bit difficult. First, I am still in the closet. Second, I had once joined a gaythering and made a fool out of myself. Third, I am a very homey person. I enjoy staying at home in my room enjoying my own space when I'm free. And I hardly free. Thanks to my works which keep me busy all week days. Hmm... Not good. Not good. So then I was told that I should log on to gay.com and hook up with some one. OK, not really hook-up but made some decent friends. Ha! Going back to high school again? That's what I thought.

Anyway, no harm giving it a try. So I registered and signed myself up and enter the chat room. No doubt there are a lot of people. With those nicknames, and yes some even sounded very slutty. And with the screennames like "look4funtonite", everyone knows what he was up to. But then I told myself not to be scared away by those people, there should be some nice and decent people who really look for a sincere and kind friend. Searching through the namelist in the chatroom with photos, I started chatted with some guys. Of course, being a potato queen, I was looking for caucasian man. :P But for heaven's sake, most of them can be my daddy already. No offence, but I am not into daddy type. Thank you very much! :P

Oh well, of course there were some other guys try to chat with me, but some of them just, again, not my type. Hate myself for being so demanding and a potato queen. I might as well move to Europe or something.

And then I got to chat with this hot guy. So hot that I thought he might be the one. (I can be so innocent and stupidly naive, sometime.) We chatted a little while. Then I later found out he has a boyfriend already. And yet he still ask me out to meet which I shyly declined. Well, maybe his intention was just wanna meet up and be friend. But I guess there'll be part of me(or him) who want to be more than just friend. So better stay away from trouble and move on. :p

You can have me. I'm not taken!

Online chat? Chances of getting a decent and sincere friend is so small, though I have to admit some of them are seriously good in flirting with people. Maybe I could learn some from them. Who knows it might comes in handy someday in the future?!

Guilty Pleasure

2008-08-13T22:57:00.004+08:00

I did it! For almost a decade since I last had such intimacy with a man. So what happened? I won't go into detail. However, I will give you a few words or phrase, and you can somehow relate and create your own stories. So here goes the words/phrases : Sauna room, two horny men, blow-job, hand-job.

I know you want it! Just say it!

There, I said it. You put all the pieces together with your ever so creative imagination. I think it is not difficult at all to put them together. Anyway, what matter most is the aftermath. There are mixture of feelings actually. Pleasure, guilty, anxiety and disheartening.

Pleasure
The whole experience was adventurous. And the adventure itself actually spice up the whole thing. I am not the person who wholeheartedly agree to anonymous sex but being a single man for more than a decade when sex is only between me and my hands, it does not really help to keep my sanity then when there was a hot man there offering whatever I need. So I guess my sanity "went down" and I lost control when my cock was up. I can't really say I enjoyed the sex because we were just to worry someone would walk into the room. And yes, apparently in the end, someone walked in and we have to end our "session" immediately and walked out of the room into our separate way. No ejaculation. Period.

No. No satisfying ending.

Guilty
There are two main reasons why I felt guilty. First is of course to commit in an anonymous sex. I always think that sex should involves love and that love will improve sex. What we did were merely satisfying our desires and nothing more than that. Just like animal without thought and wisdom. Shame on me. And there might be a lot of negative consequences (such as S.T.D.s etc), but I only offered him hand-job and did not blow him which lead me to another reason of feeling guilty, because he blew me. I felt like I have exploited him somehow. But being a paranoid, I am just too afraid to risk my health for a short pleasurable moment. Who knows if he is clean or not?

Anxiety
Having those guiltiness, I also think about what if we were being caught red-handed. Maybe the one who walked in the room at the end somehow knew what we were doing and made a report or something. Will we be charged and put into jail? What about my life and my career? What if the room is equipped with CCTV? Negative thoughts flow into my head and it is overwhelming. I am anxious. Suddenly regret for being so stupid! I shouldn't have done it in the public. Fucked!

Disheartening
Yes, being gay in this country is just disheartening. I can say it over and over again and it is still the same. To make things even more difficult, I am still in the closet and I don't see the chance of coming out in the near future. Wearing mask, hiding feelings... in the closet. Shy away in the darkness. Even the tears had already gone dry. Will I be a single man for my whole life? No doubt anonymous sex does not do me any good as you can see there are more negative feelings in my list here. Until the day I meet the right man, I guess I shall go through the sex drought season and really live as a monk who keep his sexual desire to the minimum level.

Forever a bachelor.

Guilty Pleasure. Certainly more guilty than pleasure. Dammit!

They Don't Speak

2008-08-12T21:49:00.006+08:00

They don't fucking say anything!

Should've said something!

Yes, that's basically what I want to say. Why? Here is the story.

The boss gathered everyone in the meeting room to kick off a new project. After "pouring out" all his requirement and expectation, he asked if anyone has any questions. No one spoke. He further explained what he wanted and then asked again for a deadline when we can deliver whatever he needs. Everyone kept quiet. Silence kicked in. Every seconds seems like forever when everyone's looking down as if they're observing and analyzing their own shoes. The boss then proposed a deadline and asked if we have any problem with that. Silence is the only response. So he assumed everyone is fine with the propose deadline. The gathering was then dismissed.

Fucked! How are we gonna do? What is the first thing that we need to do? In the end, we eat our own shit!

And that's not only the case. Today, again, while we were having our own discussion among ourselves, the boss came in and joined us. Suddenly everyone kept quiet. Some look at the white board. Some look at the own scratch book don't know drawing what shit. Some other just look at the others.

Say something! Say something!

The boss found a chair and sat. Looking at the whiteboard too and waiting for something. Then suddenly everyone look at me. I look back at them. Made a frown. Some ladies giggled a bit and the nearby colleague then whispered to me saying that I should start say something. I was like :"Excuse me! Why me?!" Then that usual silence surrounded us again like a cold wind making me shiver. I hate that awkward situation. The boss never said anything. He just sat there. And all of them were suddenly dumb.

Hating that kind of situation, I then courageously stood up and offered to explain whatever we've discussed so far to the boss. Situation got better after I broke the ice. At least there was interaction between the boss and us. Phew!

I don't understand. Why is it so difficult for them to speak in front of the boss?! Besides, those seniors should have known their boss better than me. Oh gosh, how am I suppose to work with this bunch of people who are scared to even speak to their boss? Or is it because they don't want to be accountable for whatever being discussed or proposed? So they better keep quiet and if anything happened, they will not be the one to be blamed. I don't know. And I don't want to know.

What more can I say!?

I should have known. Yes, moving from one team to another team means starting all over again. No, it's more than that. A lot more than that. Besides starting anew, I need to do a lot more to prove my sincerity to join the new team and to build trust between the new members and me. To make things more difficult and complicated, I have to prove to the new boss my capabilities and loyalty. After all, I am just a newbie...

Ice-Cream Maniac

2008-07-31T20:37:00.007+08:00

It's 31st of July and yes, Baskin Robbin is having the 31% discount again! Being the person who love ice-cream so much, I always drag myself to the Baskin Robbin outlet and buy my favourite ice-cream so that I could enjoy it while watching my favourite drama series at home.

Where is my ice-cream?!

But today I did not go to buy. Why? Lazy! A sign of getting old? Maybe.

You know I hate to compete with other people to reach the outlet and wait for the long queue to get what I want. And espeially when there's discount, it's like the people from the whole city are gathered together and squeeze their way among the crowd fighting for that same thing - discounted ice-cream.

Not just that. I also hate certain people who are just ... unbelievable. Last time I was queuing up in the line and saw those chubby aunties taking their own sweet time tasting almost every single flavour of the ice-cream (ignoring the long queue behind them) before they really decided which flavour they want to buy. Bitches!

Then another experience was this couple. The boyfriend was asking the girlfriend about which flavour she wants and the dumb-girl just keep on staring at those ice-cream hesitating which ice-cream to buy. Embarrassed, the boyfriend kept asking and begging the girl to make her decision so that they could run away from the evil stares by the long line of people behind.

So, ice-cream or me?

Worst still when kids are there. "Mommy I want this! Daddy I want that!". Then they ran here and there and the parents have to keep playing "run and chase" with them before they could even pay for the ice-cream.

Besides, I also have seen this customer who go there and buy so MANY small cup of ice-cream. Apparently he wanted to try all flavour of the ice-cream. And not just that! He ordered a few small cups for one flavour. And if there is ten flavours, you make the calculation. I guess there is a party going on or something. Or whatever reason it is. So the staff picking one small cup of ice-cream follow by another... I lost count of the total of cups there.

Whatever it is, so many 'crazy' things you can see when buying Baskin Robbin. And I hate it when people try ice-cream for too long. Well, I have to respect their right as a consumer. But please, tasting every single flavour of ice-cream? That's just too much and inconsiderate to those people waiting behind.

I'll pour ice-cream on my chest and you can lick!

As for this month, I missed my rums raisin ice-cream. :-(

The Wedding Planner & Singer

2008-07-29T22:20:00.004+08:00

Within one day, I was asked by two friends to become their wedding planner and wedding singer. What were they thinking? I am still a young eligible bachelor who has never got married nor plan a wedding before. As for being the wedding singer, that is not so bad as singing songs is not that difficult. Besides I was asked to sing only a few songs.

Young & Inexperience - Wedding Planner?

However, the funny thing is I promised to be the wedding planner and still considering to be the wedding singer for another friend. Apparently, the friend who asked me to become her wedding planner is a very close friend of mine. So without much hesitation, I just said yes! As for the other friend who asked me to be wedding singer, I am just not too sure if I want to embarrass myself in front of the crowd. No doubt I am a choir member, singing shouldn't be a big problem. But singing in group and singing alone is somewhat different and so much more challenging.

Anyway, wedding planner I am going to be. I have to admit I am a little excited and nervous at the same time. Come on! It's a big thing! Still can't believe my friend actually put much of her trust on me. Oh well, not that me alone will plan the wedding. I will be planning and working with a whole bunch of "sisters" (yes all female with creative imagination and stuff) and I guess there will surely be a lot of "dramas"!

Whatever.

Now let's see! I have never seen a male wedding planner. Oh no! There's one I saw in Wedding Wars. The gay brother was the wedding planner. Hmm... I guess gay men are more artistic and creative?! Now I have to imagine what kind of wedding it will be. I have no idea yet as my friend has yet to tell me what kind of wedding ceremony and dinner she wants. I'll just come up with my own ideas and discuss with the sisters later. Flowers, decoration, table setting, entertainment, performance, wines, guest list... Ah! I'll see what I can think of.

What kind of wedding do you want?

This will be my first time being the co-wedding-planner. I'll just make sure I have fun while learning to become the best wedding planner in town! :D

Sweet Dream

2008-07-27T09:26:00.008+08:00

I guess I must have smiled in my sleep last night. I dreamed of a man of my dream. Even though it was very vivid, I kind of remember his gesture and something about how he tell me things still make me shiver in excitement.

He was half-naked with a white towel wrapped around his lower body and he gaze into my eyes and said softly :"I will be back for you..." That's all I could remember. And who is he? Julian McMahon

The following is the funny and sexy scene from Nip/Tuck:

Yes, I admit I watched a little too much Nip/Tuck recently. But to have such a man in my dream doing sweet talks to me, that's fucking worth it!

The Unfavourable Daily Road Trip

2008-07-23T22:55:00.004+08:00

It has always been a problem for people who work in Kuala Lumpur city. And what's that problem? Traffic Congestion. Yes, traffic jammed! Traffic jammed! That's what we people will not stop complaining about.

Stupid traffic jammed!!

Knowing that we will face the traffic congestion problem especially during the 'peak hour' (before office hour and after office hour), most of us would normally have to wake up unreasonably earlier than we should, trying to avoid the traffic congestion. Oh well, it depends on where we live and where we work actually. Some of us are lucky enough to avoid the tragic traffic congestion problem if we were to wake up earlier; Some other just couldn't avoid unless they wake up before the break of dawn and drive all their way without even brushing their teeth and changing to their working attire. OK, I'm exaggerating!

Anyway, to avoid traffic congestion, there are another option other than waking up and go to work earlier. The alternative is to wake up late and go to work late. Oh yes, that's what I chose. Did I not mention I have no discipline? Of course trying not to get myself into trouble, I 'smartly' make sure that I am not the latest person who walked into the office. So if anything happened, I can always say someone is later than me! :P I am such a fucking bastard, I know!

However, yesterday I suddenly thought that maybe I could try wake up earlier and go to the gym first. Yeah, I have been missing my gym session for a few days already. So maybe hitting the gym early in the morning follow by a good breakfast will be a good start for the day, I told myself.

Let's workout in the early morning!

With that in mind, I slept earlier than usual last night and woke up extremely early this morning. And I thought since I woke up so early, I could avoid all the traffic congestion.I happily put on my sport attire, grabbed and gym bag and off I went on the road.

To my surprise, after 10 minutes of driving, I saw lines of cars filling up all the 3 lanes and barely moving. With some idiotic drivers try to cut queue and switch between the lanes, I could already feel my high blood pressure hitting the maximum point and I am gonna explode anytime. Not only that, with those unnecessary honks and motorcyclist sliding in between cars nonchalantly ignoring the cars signals, I just wanna yell and scream out loud! Thank goodness my CD player is playing Kenny G's album which is soothing and relaxing. Otherwise, I would have opened the driver window and shout out loud :"SHUT THE FUCK UP!"

The funny thing is, normally it only takes 30 minutes to reach my office (if I woke up late and hit the road later). But today, I used almost an hour to reach the fitness center. Which means I don't have enough time to workout. I just took a bath, changed into my working attire and off to work.

I can still sleep a while

There is no doubt tomorrow onwards I am gonna wake up late and go to work late. Come on! Wake up earlier and squeeze with others? No way! If the boss accuse me of being late, I'll just tell him the petrol price has gone up high and I don't wanna waste my petrol and suffering with other people. Unless he is willing to increase my salary at least 40%, then I will happily squeeze with other and even sing a happy song early in the beautiful morning! :P

Keep Reading

2008-07-22T21:20:00.005+08:00

Do I have to keep reading?!

Having to understand the new system which I am going to maintain and support, I have to read a lot of documentation. The product description, user manuals, operator manuals, system servicing and processing... etc. Most importantly, I also have to understand the whole business concept and logic.

Reading certainly seems to be a very easy task. Just sit there and staring at the monitor reading the word document with only your eye-balls consistently moving from left to right, and left and right, and left and right again. No doubt carrying the weight of my upper body, my bubble butt eventually turned flat. Hence, I occasionally have to remind myself to stand up awhile in hope that it will turn back round and firm instead of being flat down as if I have no butt at all. Eeks! Yucks!

Rather sleep than read!

Oh don't be surprise to catch me dozing off in my own chair with my head hitting my own table a few times. What?! Those documents are so damn boring! Unless it is a novel I would be reading with my eyes wide open and scroll down pages by pages and finished it in no time. Unfortunately those hundreds of pages documents are description and explanation. With lots of boring screen shots and uninteresting description. How can I not feeling sleepy and boring? Sometime, I even feel like vomit!

Oh well, given the choices of reading and entertain fussy customers, I think I will still opt for reading. At least I could still take my own sweet time read. Make myself a green tea, eat some snacks and listen to my favourite songs. Not so bad, right?! I wish I could print out all the document and curl up in my chair reading them. I hate staring the monitor for too long. It hurts my eyes. But then there are too many pages to be printed out. The last thing I wanna faced is being complaint of unnecessarily using too much paper.

Enjoy reading!

Never mind. I recently found out that I could get some e-book and read. Ha! I could switch to read the novel whenever I feel bored about reading those documentation without anyone suspecting I am actually reading a novel. Brilliant, huh?!

So You Think You Can Dance

2008-07-20T00:08:00.005+08:00

I love dancing. Not that I am good in dancing, but I think I am not so bad. Oh well, not as good as I used to, but I certainly know a few moves. Alright, at least I know how to move my butt left and right, front and back. Not enough? Alright, I am a bad dancer!

How about dancing in bed with me, sweetheart?

You see, I appreciate art and culture. Anything to do with art and culture, I don't mind being involved. So yeah I danced a bit, sang a bit, played a few music instruments, even got myself to try and do some painting (OK, this one I am really not good! :p). Talk about dance, I tried a few dances before. Chinese traditional dance, Malay traditional dance, International Ballroom Dance (Umm, ok only amateur cha cha I think?!) and some contemporary dances I guess?

But that was some good old days. I think I was only 12 or something. Certainly before when I was 15 years old. Yeah, I did dance a bit. Even got to perform in a few occasion. Argh, I guess it's easier to stretch your body when you were young.

Dance naked, will ya?

So that day when I went to the fitness club and attended a dancing class. What was it called again, street dance? hip hop dance? Whatever! It's just a dance with some cool moves. Thought of giving it a try and maybe learn some moves, I nonchalantly walked into the dancing studio, quite confidently I would say, and prepared to dance my heart out.

So the music started, the ever so hot and sexy instructor started with some warm up, stretching following the beat of the music. Yeah, pretty easy! I could already feel my body heating up from inside and my bon bon was ready to shake like it had never shaken before. Ooh la la... So the instructor showed us a few good move and everybody followed.

While enjoying dancing and following the instruction from the front, I suddenly saw that person in the mirror. Yeah, that was me in the mirror dancing in such an awkward way. Eeww... a robot dancing or what?! Awful! Damn, where's that flexibility? I kept observing myself in the mirror and tried to dance better. Gosh, it was hard! Difficult! I am sure if I bent a little more to the right or left, I would hurt my spine. Urgh! After the class, sweating like hell, I told myself :"That's it. I admit I am no good in dancing!"

Who said I can't dance?!

But that doesn't mean I give up on dancing. Just that I will need some extra time learning and practising. That's if, and only if, I have the time and ... more time! However, watching other people dancing is pretty much entertaining already. I recently watched this movie (ok, I only browsed through, haven't really watched it yet) and found this part of the movie very sexy and flirtatious!

So here it is. You have to watch it right till the end! And you tell me if that two guys have any chemistry between them. Let's take a look:

Damn, let me catch my breath first! Sexy, isn't it? Damn I don't mind having that hunky instructor giving me "private class" at all. Look at the two of them! I wonder if I could hold any longer to have a hot guy so close to me, face to face, chest to chest, crotch to crotch. And the last part when they finished the dance, their breath... oh why that stupid fucking phone rang?! They would have fucking kissed already!

Anyway, that was HOT! REALLY HOT!

A Day At The Gym

2008-07-15T22:07:00.005+08:00

I have been going to the gym quite frequent lately. Why? I am not sure myself. But to seriously think about it, I think it is because my colleague, who suddenly so addicted to going to gym, dragged me along to go work out after office hour. Yeap, that's what I need. I need someone to drag me there. Else I'll be paying money to the fitness club for nothing. You know me, I would choose to go home after office hour rather than go to the fitness club and work out my knowingly not-so-perfect body.

Can I go home instead?!

Another reason I still let my colleague drag me there because I think it's better to have some sort of exercise to keep myself healthy. At least, I sweat a bit and pump some muscles in hope they will grow bigger and bigger especially my arms and chest. Ah, talk about lifting weight? That's the last thing I wanna talk about. Coz I sucks! Hardly do a few sets and I could hear the "internal me" screaming for help! "Ouch! Pain! Damn it! Why is it so fucking difficult!" Screw the whatever "no-pain-no-gain"! I have no discipline.

Undoubtedly, my body didn't change much after I join the club for like 2 years. Except I gained a few kgs, which I kinda happy and not happy. Happy because I want to gain weight; Not happy because I got a bigger belly. Fuck!

Anyway, being a not-so-serious gym dude, I normally use my "rest-time" between sets to observe other people. OK, I was actually checking out hot hunky stud. And I do see a lot of different people with different attitude and purpose spending their after-office-hour in the gym. Let's see if I can categorize them into a few categories here :

1) Gym Freak/Serious Body Builder
OK, the first one would be the serious muscle man! They are there to work out every single muscle of their body. Normally they would be around those free weight lifting area and they hardly use the equipment. If they do, you'll be in awe when you see how much weight they are lifting. Above 50 kgs? More than that, perhaps. And they always like to groan :"Urgh! Ah! Urgh! Ahh! Uuurrgghhh!! Ahhhh! Uuurgghhhh!!!" The groan always getting louder and louder, as if they're gonna reach the climax and ejaculate somehow. OK, I may be exaggerated a bit. But their voice can be a little annoying at times. No offense, but I am not into guys with too many big muscles. I mean, they are SO HUGE!!

This will be just fine! I don't mind lick up the sweat with my already hot tongue!

2) Regular Body-builder
Alright, those men are just a normal body builder who don't aim for big muscle or something like that. They're just there to work out and be in good shape. Yes, they tone their body, make sure it is not too big here and not too small there. Some even hire personal trainer to train them. Some of them prefer to work out alone, some other coming in group. I even saw a couple (OK, I am not sure if they are couple, but they always come together and work out together. They look so fine together! :p) who always there to help each other out to work out their body. So sweet! :D

3) Cruiser
Oh, who doesn't know people go fitness club to cruise?! Or maybe use working out as an excuse to cruise? Or perhaps just be there and try some lucks?! Oh whatever it is. I did saw some people there just looking around or maybe talking to friends for so long, occupying the fitness equipment. I even overheard this two dudes talking about ex-boyfriends (Yes, I almost sure they talked about boyfriends!) and those affairs in front of me. As if I don't know what they're talking about?! And rumours about sex in the saunas and steams? Oh I can't help but to believe those are true. Otherwise, the club wouldn't have hired those not-so-cute security guards checking around in the male changing room. Sometime I wonder if those guard commit to any sexual activity in the rooms themselves?!

Whatcha looking at? Come over and touch my body!

4) Classes Goers
Those who like to attend classes. Body-jam, yoga, body-pump, body-combat, dances and so on. Yeah, you can always see them in the class following the young and hot instructors and do whatever they need to do. The classes can be so crowded sometime I hardly see any space for them to actually move around. And yet, they still be there on time sweat together in that same class room.

5) Others
Some other I don't know. Maybe just wanna go there and exercise? Or maybe meeting friends there? Or just use up the bath and/or sauna since they paid the membership? Some still on trial membership? You tell me!

Anyway, going to the gym is somewhat not compulsory for me. I go whenever I feel I wanna go, especially when I am feeling un-energetic or need a refreshing bath or sauna. Of course, no harm checking out some hot hunky dudes working out. That would be an extra bonus! I'll just have to make sure my crotch does not raise any flag! :P

Monday Blue

2008-07-14T21:57:00.005+08:00

I had a nightmare last night. It was this lady, who I thought was normal, was actually blind. And she wants my eyes so that she can see the world. Shocked and terrified, I woke up from my dream 3am in the morning feeling cold and horrified!

What a dream?!

I switched on the light in my bedroom, thinking that maybe getting out of the darkness would make myself feel better. And yes, it did make me feel better. Trying not to remember what the dream was about, I surfed the net looking for beautiful male images as I always love to do. It was about after an hour when I started to feel tired and hit the sack again.

I had a dream again. It was me practicing to sing a song and I can't seem to sing it right. So I kept singing over and over again until I was mentally exhausted. Not long after that, I heard an urgent knock on my bedroom door. My mom was trying to wake me up as it's about time to go to work. Having no choice, I got myself out of bed, washed myself up, dressed up and off to work.

What? You're talking to me?!

I was a zombie for the whole day. Dozed off a few times. Almost hit my forehead on my own table! Definitely feeling blue...

Silly Me

2008-07-13T22:08:00.004+08:00

I woke up this morning wanting to make a change. Yes, I need to. After what happened yesterday, I told myself :"I am not gonna be pathetic anymore!"

What I really want?!

So the first thing I thought about was going to have a gym session. I changed my clothes. Then I enthusiastically packed my gym bag, filling in my favourite pair of jeans and that tight stripes-T with my not-so-outstanding underwear. Not forgetting to fill up my water bottle and rushed out the front door and started the engine of my car.

Yes, nothing gonna stop me this time. Whatever it is, I will get out of my house and work out my body. I concentrate and fill my mind with all those hunky studs who has the perfect body. Yes, I will become one of them. I will pump all my muscles and have big arms, huge pecs, firm ass... I am gonna be fucking gorgeous! As if I am gonna be the next Mr. International! :p

The next Mr. International

So off I went. Driving my car all the way from my house to the fitness club, listening to Mariah Carey's latest album. OK fine, I admit I sang along too, like an idiotic bitch yelling in high pitch. You know how high Mariah can go, right? I tell you my car's window would've broken if I were to sing any louder.

Anyway, after yelling a few songs in the car, I reached KL city and heading to the fitness club. Parked my car, I grabbed my gym bag and water bottle, locked my car and off I went. I kept walking and walking. I felt strange. Something wrong. And I kept walking...

Then I stopped. I looked down. Then I realized, I was wearing my sandals instead of my sport shoes. Fucked! I remember the fitness club is very strict about sport attire when you go for work-out. It's even funnier when I realized I was wearing a tight tank top, a black short and that stupid sandals walking on the street with my gym bag and water bottle.

I need to refresh myself

I quickly rushed back to my car, threw in my gym bag, and went home. Silly me!

Being Pathetic

2008-07-12T22:22:00.005+08:00

Call me an anti-social freak, I'll admit it!

I go home after office hour; I decline friend's invitation for a Saturday night out with millions and millions of excuses; Even getting out of my house to go for a gym session is difficult for me. To me, staying home has always seem to be the best thing. No drama, no troubles! Peace and serenity!

Deep down inside I know I am not happy. I long for a good laugh with close friends at some cafe. I long for a hot date which end with romantic French kiss with the man I love. I long for a good artistic show to fill up part of my empty soul. Or maybe just a quiet walk at the park feeling the warm breeze caressing me.

And today, I am just ... at home. Counting all my 'wants' and sigh...

Sometimes, I am just pathetic!

To Daddy With Love

2008-07-06T18:59:00.004+08:00

I have always wanted to write something like this years ago. It seems to me that many people talk about how great a mother can be and how we should love our mommy bla bla bla. But there's always lack of enthusiasm to show our love and appreciation to our father. And why is that? I always question myself that!

How to be a good dad?!

I have to shamefully admit that I love my mom a lot more than my dad. Maybe because I inherited most of her attributes. Good or bad attributes, I have a lot of commons with my mom. And we were so close that most of my friends envy me for having such a close relationship with my parents, especially my mom. And I still remember during my secondary school when I was a student reporter, I wrote an article about my mom. How she struggled in life and how her unconditional love shower upon us. And the article was accepted by the editor and published in the local newspaper. I have no idea about my article being published until my mom got to read it and show it to me. Then my dad told me she read it over and over again and tears never stop flowing out of her eyes. Oh well, my mom is always that emotional.

However, lately I have been noticing something about my dad. He has always been a good father. And recently I noticed he got sick very easily. Maybe it's the gastric problem caused him to have sleeping problems. Then he has diabetes years ago but he manages to control it well. Then two days ago he has this tooth-ache, which again, caused his to have another few sleepless nights. Not until yesterday he independently went to the dentist himself and has his tooth unplugged. Yet, he never complained.

Of course my mom, being the caring and worrisome mother and wife, then told us that we should show our love and care to our dad. Though he never complain or show much of his miseries to us, the children, he has been quietly suffering on his own and as a family member we should always be there for each another. A word of concern or a simple "how are you feeling?" will do wonders.

How are you sweetie?

Then I started to reflect. Yes, I have not shown enough love and care to my father. Maybe because he has always been that independent man who need no one to worry about. He brought us food and take good care of the family. Everything he does is about the family. He never enjoyed the luxuries outside but save the money to provide the family a better shelter or better food. Even during weekend when he doesn't have to work, he will see if there's anything that he needs to do about the house so that we will have a better place to stay. Changing light bulbs, repair the water pipe leakage, building a cupboard, install a wall-fan, build a shoe-rack... all done by him single-handedly. Shame on me, I always lie in my bed during the weekend minding my own business.

And yes, he is the man of the family. I don't have to mention how much he actually has to go through to construct and maintain this family. I am not sure about other family, but my dad surely sacrifice a lot. And he never talks about it. He secretly kept all those contribution to himself and proudly enjoy the family he has constructed with his bare hands. Though we may not noticed it, he still very much enjoyed and proud of his own "creation".

And sometime when I look at him, his smile tells me something when he is watching the family members laughing around with each other having great times under the same roof. That roof he built on top of us, has been bringing the whole family, us, security, blessing, love and happiness.

You're the man!

This post is to my daddy. Though he may not know, I just wanna say it out loud here :"Daddy, I love you! Always will!" :D

Unfairness or Fate

2008-06-29T00:38:00.007+08:00

Many things we can talk about how unfair the world can be. Why is one richer than another? Why is one better looking than another? Why is one smarter than another? And why being gay is not normal and being straight is normal? And the list can go on and on and on and on...

Why?!

It's funny I never remember about being treated unfairly when I was young. Perhaps my parents really made sure everything and everyone was treated equally. If my sibling got a chocolate, then I will have one too. If my parents were to buy toys, they surely bought a toy to each and every one of their children. No one will be left without one toy. Oh well, that's what most of the children care about when they were young. Play and eat and sleep. No complicated desires and needs.

Too bad when I grow, I got to see a lot of unfairness. And it hurts seriously. And I started questioning why and how come, this and that?! Some have reasons, some other just don't. Fate?! Or whatever. But to really be the victim of the unfairness, most of the time they can only sigh and move on with their life. Like victims in the war? What can they do? They can only suffer and pray that tomorrow will be better. Or people who suffer with poverty? They chose to be poor? Or is it because it is their fate?

Perhaps I am destined to be...

Of course about me being gay, I always think it is unfair how most (straight) people perceive and look at homosexuality. But I can't really blame them because they don't understand. So what can I do? Sigh, and move on with my life. Perhaps I have to consider myself lucky, that I actually being able to accept myself for who I am, instead of struggling to change myself to someone I am not.

And whenever I think about these unfairness, I feel sad, I feel disappointed, I feel angry and most of them time I will be over-whelmed with negative emotions that might be haunting me for days.

And I am having those negative feelings and emotions these days. Thanks to the update from my friend about that old cunning bitch! According to my friend, that bitch has resigned and her colleagues think that my friend is being the cruel and mean one who caused that old bitch to resign. As if my friend was the one who bully an elder? Obviously they do not know what had that old cunning bitch done to my friend, do they?! And yet they dare to judge. Isn't that unfair to my friend?

Sigh...

Talk about unfairness. I am speechless! And very much disturbed! And what can I do? Sigh, and move on...

Match Making

2008-06-21T10:37:00.018+08:00

Sometime I really doubt if people around me doesn't know that I have a soft spot for men. Come on, a (self-claimed) handsome man at my age still single and available? Even I would be having questions in my head if I were to see another person like that. It's either the person is having attitude problem which no one can endure, or living in this not-so-conservative-anymore (yet still conservative) country, that person must be a gay-in-the-closet. Oh well, at least I am one.

Well, you don't know me!

Anyway, I started to feel very disturbed lately when my colleague try to be a match-maker to match me up with another single and available lady in the office. Initially I laughed it off treating it as a jokes, but when she persistently hinting me here and there about how that lady would be delighted if I asked her out bla bla bla... I got annoyed, and sometime pissed off. Not wanting to ruin another friendship or colleague-ship, I normally would smile at her and turn away, keep my mouth shut, fearing that I might screamed and yelled and cursed if I were to allowed my mouth to open wide.

Hell, sometime I rehearsed in my head a few times, telling myself that if that colleague were to hint me or jokes about that lady with me again, I should just tell her right in the face :"I don't do girl, annoying-bitch! So just shut the fuck up and find me a hunky stud! I would very much appreciate it!" Wonder what kind of reaction she will give me. Shocking? Stunned? Speechless? Oh no, most probably she will broadcast this "interesting news" to the whole company that apparently there's a homo in town! Damn it! Sometime she can be such annoying bitch! That's why, I am thankful I didn't do what I rehearsed in my mind.

Introduce me a stud, hunky one, please!

Yet, come to think of it, will she ever match me up with another guy in the company since she is so eager to become a match-maker?! Who knows there's actually another homo in town, too?! Hmm... oh wait a minute! Seriously speaking, I think I have known most of the people in my company, and I don't think there's any available men I am lusting for. Not even a crush. Most of them are boring programmers (as if I am any better than them?!). Come on, after all, I am a potato queen and none of them are 'potatoes'. Guess I really have had enough of (being surrounded by) the 'rice'?!

Oh well, being matched or not, I still believe true love can, and will be found. But I really hate being matched. It's as if I was so dumb or so not charming that I couldn't attract another man but needed someone else help me to find one? Worse still, matched me up with another lady? No offense to that fine lady, but again, I don't do female. Maybe I am not gay enough? Or is it because I don't have a pink shirt with tight purple pant? Or a tight jeans with rainbow colour shirt will help me screaming out loud :"I AM GAY!"? Those would be the last thing I do, anyway! :P

Perhaps shirtless is better!?

Even though I am very much agree with the saying of "Treat others like how you want to be treated!", I guess it is no harm to playfully and jokingly play a match making thing on my own. At least, I think I would be a better match maker? So I thought I should match up some celebrities or hunky studs which I personally think (or fantasize) they should be singing "We Belong Together" to each other.

Eric Dane & Patrick Dempsey

I don't know why. But they are the first 'couple' that comes to my mind. Seen Eric before (forget from where) but lately found him again from the movie "Wedding War". And gosh he is HOT! I don't have to introduce McDreamy! We love him, always. I so want to catch the movie "Made of Honour"! Both equally mature to me and have great smile and good-looking eyes.

Next,

Matus Valent & Nick Beyeler

Both are equally hot model who I can watch over and over again. Not sure if any one of them is gay, who cares anyway?! But I am already certain that if both were to fall for each other, I couldn't imagine what kind of romantic drama if will be. I would really want to see Matus being James Bond 007. I think he will be VERY hot! As for Nick, gosh he can really stretch. Isn't it hot to see a hot guy stretching it out for Bond 007? Oh, my imagination can really run wild, sometimes.(erm... most of the time, actually!)

Let's see the third 'couple' :

Justin Timberlake & Ryan Phillippe

Irresistible! This two young dudes have me drooling. You have no idea how I like to see Justin moves! Gosh, the way he moves melt my heart and takes my breath a away! Not to mention he could also sing and act. And as for Ryan, another talented actor. Even though I haven't seen him sing, I bet he doesn't need to sing to win anyone's heart. A sexy stare from him would have me down on my knees. I don't know why, but I think both of them fall into the same category. And they both look sexy with a little hair on their chin. Nice body nice face. And to imagine them both gazing into each other's eyes, I can already hear Justin singing "Love-Stoned"! And if I were to catch them lips-locking and french-kissing, I would thank "Whoever Up Above" to grant me the rare opportunity to witness such great sight!

Julian McMahon & Matthew Fox

FU-YOH! Is there anything better to see two doctors making out or exploring human anatomy on the same bed?! Hot Hot Hot! I have never seen "Nip/Tuck" actually, but I do know Julian through the movie "Premoniton". And how can we not know Dr. Jack who lost in the island spreading the virus of sexi-ness here and there. I always wanted him to strip or at least take off that fucking shirt while running or sweating on that heating Lost island. To me apparently, both are equally hot! Just want them to get on the same bed and do the thing they're good at! Go do it, doctors!

Marco Dapper & John Paul Calderon

Hmm... Marco Marco Marco! The hot hunk in Eating Out 2. A new found talent and rising star. And JP the new found model who just came out few years back. This a little shy professional volleyball player cum model really is an eye-candy! My instinct tell me that they belong together. If I were their friends, I would introduce them to know each other. They seem so perfect together. Don't they?

OK, five couples are enough! Gosh my list can go on and on.
- Tom Cruise & Brad Pitt?
- Josh Duhamel & James Denton?
- Chris Evans & Ryan Gosling?

Anyway, I am just having fun match-making. And tell you what, not an easy task. You can simply mix and match, but sometime it's very odd when you match one to another one which just don't fit to be together. Pierce Brosnan and Chris Evans? Daddy and son? Oh well, I am just crapping! Anyway, I do have fantasy about watching one stud with another stud. Eye candies, they are. Who doesn't want to see two perfect creatures together? They beautify everything! And that's it. What more can you expect? After all, if you happen to see two of your favourite hunks together, you can only watch and see and keep on fantasizing... or maybe a little busy with your hand(s) between your legs, that's it!?

Now I don't have to explain why I love watching gay-themed movies! Now go do your own match-making! :P

Side Note/Disclaimer : The above match-making are purely for personal fun! No Offense! After all it's just my fantasy. Ignore it if you don't like it. :P Do comment if you somehow like it! :D

Time To Say Goodbye

2008-06-16T23:17:00.005+08:00

Months of silence and patience finally come to an end. Oh, happy I am! Excited, I am. Though a little worry and uncertain about the coming future, I guess I am ready to take up the new challenges ahead. Yes, I am officially transferred!

Ahhh... finally!

It marks a turning point of my working life. Definitely! I will have to start everything anew. New skills, new teammates, new supervisor, new environment, new pressures, new customers, new... new new! Ah, 'new' seems so beautiful at times.

It's funny just now I actually feel a little sad to have to let go all the current projects or assignment I have in hand. And to hand over my (just realized) beloved customers to my other teammates, I kinda feel sad and reluctant to let go. It's like giving my babies away. OK, a little exaggerating, but almost the same feeling. You see, I put my greatest efforts in every projects and serve my every clients whole-heartedly. Some of them even have become my good friends now, and they trust me. Not that I don't believe my colleagues who will take over my place will not be as good as I am, but to let go of all the things I build up with my bare hands, it's just a little difficult for me.

It's not easy to let go, honey!

Not only that, I suddenly have more interest and more motivated to do my work and to ensure that my works are done before I hand over to my teammates. Maybe because this will be my last time to do this same old job. Writing email, typing meeting minutes, performing testing with users, attend to user's request, even answering to user's call is a little bit more interesting than usual.

Oh receiving an email from my supervisor asking me to start doing the hand over, I happily list down all my current tasks/job, customers I support and all the other remaining ad hoc assignment I have in hands. To my surprise, I have handled so many things, alone! While feeling a little proud of myself, I wonder how my teammates are gonna survive. Surely they will have to suffer for a few months to get used to the extra workloads. Oh I am so having the feeling that they will certainly curse me in the coming future. Oh well, why should I care?!

Take it like a man, dude!

Now that I will be leaving the team soon. Very soon, indeed. I have got to finish all my unfinished work in hands. I shouldn't leave a whole mess to my colleagues. Part of me feel a little guilty that all my jobs/works will have to be bear by my teammates; Another part of me is laughing out loud that finally I will be free to soar higher!!! Oh, and I just heard that my team is starting to hire new staff. Bless 'em!