John Barrowman

Not only am I being amazed by his gorgeous and hunky outlook, I am also being blown away by his beautiful voice that can simple take my breath away. That's not all. Not only he can sing, he can also act. Being the leading man in the British series - Torchwood, he basically is a multi-talent person that really inspire me a lot. Really, he is an inspiration for me now.

Openly gay and proud, he showed me that eventually one's sexual orientation doesn't really matter at the end. Just make sure you live your life fully and make yourself a better person each day. And the way he perform in every show I managed see (at youtube), he was enjoying and give the best of him to the audience.


I also got the chance to see the interview of him by Charlotte Church, gosh, I am so fall for with him. His great personality, the sense of humour, that gorgeous smile and cheering laughters, he seriously is the ideal husband or boyfriend I am looking for. Too bad he already happily living with his long-lasting partner, Scott Gill. Lucky him!

Anyway, I feel really great that there's someone like him in the world. He has make the world such a wonderful place. Oh goodness, his sweet sweet voice! I can listen over and over again without feeling bored. Watch the following clips. Love'em so much!

John Barrowman - Sound of Musicals - I Am What I am


I have been listening to this song repeatedly. In the office, at home, whenever I am free. I will log on to youtube and play this clip enjoying him singing and performing. I feel that I am lifted every time I listen to him singing this song. He has such powerful and convincing voice that touch my heart. Yes, I am touched by his voice. Maybe because this song is really meaningful and it's easy for me to relate my life to the song. That's why every time I listen, I feel like singing out loud together with him:"Hey World! I Am... What... I Am......!"

John Barrowman - Sound of Musicals - Maria


I feel nervous for him the first time I watch this clips. It's such a difficult song to perform. Yet he did fantastically well and right at the end... that soft voice really like the ringing bell that just take my breath away. He deserve a standing ovation from me for this amazing performance!

You're great, John Barrowman! And like what he always like to say :"You're HOT HOT HOT!"

I Ain't Tame

As usual, I was rushing to wash my face, brush my teeth and groom myself up before I head to work. When I was about to gel my hair, I suddenly realized that my hair-gel has gone. My heart was shouting, "Gosh, not at this time!" Trying to think hard if I have misplaced it somewhere else, but I was quite certain that the hair-gel has not been moved nor taken away to anywhere else by me. Running out of time, I quickly used my sister's hair-gel instead and got myself out of home to the office.

Where the hell has it been?

On the way to my office, I keep thinking where have I placed my gel. Then I suspect it must be taken by my brother who went to genting highland with his friends who have been staying a night before at our home. I am quite pissed off because usually my brother would've told me if he used my thing. But this time he told me nothing and take my thing away. I am so gonna lecture him when he got back home tonight.

So, just now when I got finally home, I confronted him about my hair-gel. I told him it is very rude of him to take my thing away without getting my consent and very irresponsible too for not informing me. Luckily I found some gel to gel-up my hair. Otherwise, I surely would have a BAD-HAIR-DAY! To my surprise, he told me that he was not the one who taken my gel, but it was his friend who took my gel away. And he thought the hair-gel is belong to his friend. So he said nothing to his friend.

I was shocked! And fucking pissed-off!

Who the hell are those people?! Now I am getting more furious! My brother taking away my thing is still considered small matter, as we were close. So I won't be that angry if he just take away my thing like that. Now his friends took away my gel, without my knowledge, without my consent, and never fucking inform me nor my brother?! That's too much! And they have fucking CROSSED THE LINE! What are they thinking?! Am I THAT "friendly"? Gosh, I wonder what did they learn about manner in school?!

How dare you cross the line?!

I started to suspect now am I being too good to people? I think I appear to be too kind and too good. And yes, I have bad bad bad experiences in life about people taking advantages of me or take me for granted. Shit! I hate it. And deep in my heart, I must admit I fucking curse them so cruelly that I don't remember who I was at that moment of time. It's like I have been taken over by the evil-spirit. A witch that cast spells and curse people to hell.

Try to piss me off, I would give you a fake smile. Don't worry I won't stab you from behind but don't expect me to be kind nor simply give in and forgive. For I am not a Saint. I have a sinful soul and don't make me lose control over the evil side of me. Lucky them, I still have myself under control and didn't yell nor shout at them just now. But I surely would warn my brother about his friends. Next time, I won't be that kind!

I'm not that kind!

Please, treat others like how you want to be treated!

Procrastinating

I am putting myself in a very dangerous situation. Yes, very dangerous that I could've ended my life if I were to allow myself to step any further. OK, I am exaggerating. Not that serious actually. But I am risking my job. Why? Procrastination!

Dangerous!

I think the next time when I go for a job interview and were asked what's my strength and weakness, my answer would be :

"My strength is procrastinating and my weakness is my strength!"

How about that? Certainly being kicked out of the interview room without any further questions despite my gorgeous outlook (after few hours of grooming, almost done a plastic surgery if necessary) and fantastic resume. But come to think of it seriously, I am quite impressed how good I am in procrastinating!

I can blame the fact that it's the end of the year and it has been quite a lot of holidays lately that keep me "no mood" to work. I swear most if not all of my colleague were lazing off in the office as well, pretending to be busy, but I KNOW, I FUCKING KNOW (did I stress that enough?!), that they are NOT as busy as they seem because most of them were so busy typing in the small colourful messenger chatting box. How I know? Simply because I am chatting with them.

Knowing the fact that we might be caught red-handed chatting in the office (which used to be prohibited and the company never announce that it is allowed now), yet we still wanna take the risk and chatting our way from morning till lunch.... and then lunch till the end of the working day. I guess we all like adventures. Some risks, and those excitement of getting away from punishment... oh we are so well-trained to break the rules!

I need no rules!

The funny thing is we never really chat about something serious or exchanging jokes, or gossip. Normally we would just say how boring we are, how sleepy we are and counting down the hours until the end of the working day. Boring I know! I guess programmers are like that! So you see, obviously we have some other things to do beside chatting. Of course, for me, I listen to music! Thank goodness the company allow us to listen to music. Some company forbid their staff to listen to music. I have no idea why! Anyway, I can enjoy the music for hours without feeling bored. Now I realize I have a few gigs of mp3s in my company pc. That can keep me busy for the whole day already.

At the end, works are not being done, and they pile up day by day. Until the deadline is near, you will find me burying my head into the computer (ok, I am exaggerating again!) and work my ass off to finish all the works I have been neglecting. Last minutes job. Yes, I think I am good at it as well. Reminds me of university life where we always do last minute work to finish of our assignment, last minute revision before heading to the exam hall... all last minutes. Guess I am well trained to do last minute thing.

Anyone can give us a ride to wherever you're heading to?!

However, to kids out there, never do things at the last minute, you will never know what you might got yourself into. Having said that, I guess I should start taking my 'working mood' back as soon as possible before I lose my job and wandering in the street begging for money. Or perhaps you'll see me standing by the road hitch-hiking... the Malaysian Gigolo, anyone?

To Touch and Be Touched

Not talking about touching someone's body part or being touched by someone at the wrong place at the wrong time. I have to admit though, a potential pervert like me always fantasizing about being touched by a hot hunk. Well, nothing wrong about fantasizing or day-dreaming. I hope I am not obsessing with those fantasies.

So where do you want me to touch, boy?

Anyway, I am talking about being touched, at the heart, by something or by someone. Lately I have been selecting some romantic, heart-warming, touching movies or drama series to watch. Just to be touched again, by the sweet romantic prince charming, or by the outstanding performance of a couple singing duet "All I ask of you"... Come on, even watching Mariah Carey singing can be touching as well. And yes, I watch chic-flick too! Some of the stories can be so touching (even though, yes, I know they are mostly UNREAL!)

I am coming to touch you, sweetheart!

Oh you should know how much I like to watch Oprah! I still remember watching Oprah EVERYDAY after I graduate from university before I got my first job. I basically switch on the TV everyday at 1pm Astro channel 70 just to watch the Oprah interviewing some extraordinary people. Not to mention she likes to give surprises to the guest and the audience. Each and every episode she is giving away something to the audience. Gosh, she must be SO rich! And every time when she realize someone's dream and talk about them, it always makes me cry like a stupid baby.

Don't cry, baby!

And so after stepping into this working hell-ish world, I don't even have the chance to watch that show anymore. So I guess "Brothers & Sisters" really is a good substitute for Oprah show. Family drama, yes, always touching and I love it to the max. I know, at times there's heart-breaking moment, but I guess that's life. That makes the show more realistic and easy for me to relate to.

It's really easy, sometime, to be touched by a good movies or performance. But I also have been thinking about if I have ever touched someone's heart in my life? Or if I have ever been touched by anyone with his/her kindness and/or wonderful deed? Not much I guess. I still remember I have this friend of mine. We were pretty close. We sent sms to each other when anyone of us facing big challenges. It was really memorable. Some of the touching sms I still keep as a memory for me to cherish. Yes, sometime a simple sms of concern, or encouragement, can be very touching and powerful.

I remember spending hours to write an inspiring poem for my friends so that they see hope in life. I remember pressing on my phone's keypad for don't know how long typing motivating sms to friends. And I felt great. It's like creating hopes in life and spreading loves and cares to the people around you. And the replies were most of the time touching as well. And I missed those times.

Those memories...

Why never keeping the habit? I guess working life is different. I don't have much time to write. Not even have a few seconds to think about inspiring poems or sms. Mostly what I want to do is get my work done or steal some times to rest and enjoy myself. It's amazing how working can take over a lot of our time and blind us from who we really are! You see, I have been (unconsciously) thinking about my whole life. And I guess I still don't really know myself. Not sure of what I really want, who I really want to be and how I wanna live my life. Still like a kid needing someone to guide and lead me to the right direction.

Where should I go from here?

Well, I am still young. Guess I have a lot more time to search for my true-self.

The Best Gay Bloggers for 2007

Definitely never consider myself to be the best blogger ever. Considering the fact that I always running out of idea to post another new entry everyday, I am just too far from being the best blogger. I am not as creative as some other better bloggers out there seriously. Well, somehow someone still like to pay a visit at my blog and I always welcome them with open arms. Of course, some like my blog, some aren't impressed.

Anyway, certainly Erik from www.restoringlove.com likes my blog and included me in his special project of "The Best Gay Bloggers for 2007". I am thankful.



Certainly, I think this is fun. I got to choose the best post of the year and share it with readers from the whole wide world. Well, that's why we write post everyday, right? To share our thoughts.

Shut Up

Sometime I just don't understand this people.

As if I care...

It was lunchtime and all of us rushed out of the office as if we've not been eating for ages. But I was really starving as I didn't take my breakfast today. Why not? Simply because I over-slept. Thanks for the long holiday which makes me sleep late and wake up late. I need a few days to get me right back on track.

Anyway, back to the lunchtime. So we were all walking on our way to the destination when I over-heard my colleagues' conversation who were walking behind me.

Colleague A : Look at Ryan. He's been dressing up lately.
Colleague B : Really?
Colleague A : Come on! Look at his hair-style. A little different than usual.
Colleague B : Oh! (Then loudly) Does he really need to dress up?! He's gonna go for his concert meh?!

What now?! You have problem with how I look, Mister?!

I pretended I didn't hear them. But that stupid colleague A then shouted at me and told me what Colleague B has just said. Well, instead of glaring at them with my evil eyes and bombing them with "SHUT YOUR BIG MOUTH UP!", I jokingly said unless my current outlook scare people off, I think I am gonna keep it as I think I am comfortable with how I look like now.

Deep in my heart, I am fucking pissed off!

I mean, what's wrong with dressing up? What's wrong with trying to look good and look better? I have to admit, in my office, most of my colleagues DO NOT care about their outlook. Well, not that they dress badly. But they just don't dress up like I do. They would just wear collared t-shirt and a pair of jeans. Occasionally, they would wear long-sleeve shirt and pant ONLY when the boss informed them in advance that they need to attend a meeting the next day. As for me, I wear long-sleeve shirt and long dark pant everyday except Friday (when I allow myself to be more casual). Which I think that makes me the odd one.

But then again, come on, if you don't want to dress up and wanna be casual, I don't give a fucking damn. Nice or not, I won't critic nor comment. But splashing a whole pail of cold water at me just because I dress up does not make any sense to me. Worse still, it makes me feel like dressing up is wrong and weird. Fuck that! I don't remember I commented anyone in the office dress badly but I do give compliment to those that I think they dress nicely, well-groomed and looking good. And I think dressing up nicely is a manner. It's also a way for us to show respect to our customer or whoever we meet.

That's the way I like it...

And that ignorant colleague of mine trying to bring me down by questioning why the need to dress up? Only if he was my junior, I would have lectured him the whole afternoon until the end of the working day and made him attend a grooming lesson/class! Although he's well-known to be the most good-looking man in our office, I am not impressed. Simply because I am a 'potato-queen'. Guess I am lucky in that sense.

Prayers (On New Year)

I pray...

Last Day of The Year

Finally, the year has come to an end. I am just too lazy to think back what I have done in year 2007. I'll try to make it as normal as the other day (even though it is quite hard as everyone including my friends are all in this celebrating mood). However, I am also trying to make the day my happy day as well.

Talk about new year wishes? The following are my wish list:






Any idea where can I get in touch with anyone of them? Hahaha...

To all bloggers, readers & friends, Happy New Year 2008!

Every Year This Time

Every year this time always give me a sense of insecurities. Everybody was talking about what they have achieved, and what not... planning what is coming for new year etc. Not that I don't like it, but I somehow feel a little uneasy around the end of the year. Was it because I have achieved nothing? Or is it because I am afraid to face another new challenges in the coming new year?! A little bit of both, I guess.

New Challenges?!

Normally I would do a little reflection and new resolution for new year. Somehow I have learned through the year that it has become a routine instead of something I really wanted to do and striving hard to achieve. No doubt having targets or plans keep you moving , but sometime they just don't lead you to the right direction. Many things will happen along the journey in life and I guess we will just need to improvise a bit.

No big new year countdown celebration for me this year. I guess I'll just do what I do best. Be with some old friends, have a drink and claps our hands together when new year come and wishing each other happy new year. I sometime feel I started to get "not-so-energetic" anymore. I prefer peacefulness and quietness instead of being in the crowd screaming at each other.

Better to be alone...

Time comes and goes. Guess I'll have to get used to it.

Life

Many things just don't seem to go the way we thought they would be. Guess that's why I call this a wonderful world. Many possibilities, many uncertainties, many twists... that just make everything unpredictable and unforeseeable. And maybe that's why we could have excitement of surprises and also insecurities that always bring us the darkness of fear. And yes, I've been through them all. Definitely not something new to us all as a grown-man.

Life as wonderful as it may seem...

It's funny how the rise and fall still get me. The crash and burn still hurts. Critics still give big slaps on my face and have me hidden myself in the darkness reflect over and over again what're the wrongs and what're the rights. Just as the compliments still makes me flying high until I hit the ceiling and fall back down still feeling happy. And I thought I am immune to all those dramas in life, not until I realized I am still a human made with flesh and blood. And emotion sometimes is stronger than sensibility.

It's always something else in life. Just when you thought you have experienced everything in life, there comes a new one at your least expectation. And 'whoa' you will be, shocked and stunned, excited and amused, whatever that suddenly make your life more interesting! It's a good thing though.

You want me to give you a surprise?!

Perhaps I am not the one who can really take surprises. Not that I would get heart-attack or stroke and die instantly. "Choi! Touchwood!" :p But I think I will need a lot more time to get back to where I was from. And being too high or too low freaks me out. It's like walking on a single rope at the high mountain that you might fall anytime. Definitely not wanting to walk in the deep and dark valley searching the way out dying to at least see the sunlight of hope and exhale in relieved.

But again, perhaps that's life. High or low. If only we could control everything, then it wouldn't be as interesting as it should be. And so I try. Try and try. And still trying to learn and grow. To find the pattern of life. To accept the happiness gracefully, and to get rid of the sadness calmly. To face the challenges courageously, and to rise up again after each and every fall. To be better and better each day. To find the beauties and to create beauties. And be the beauty who will make this world a better place.

Beautiful world

Oh, that's all so easy to say. But I guess I have to keep on walking. Step by step. Bit by bit. Life can be harsh, nevertheless, it brings joys and laughters. I think I'll just need to hold on to those beautiful memories I've created along the long journey. I guess that way, I'll be happier each day.

I'm Sorry

My First Gay-thering

I thought I would meet only Adrien and some other bloggers with familiar names... but it turned out I have to meet not familiar bloggers but some men (cute + gorgeous + handsome + ...) . Get to know some of them who sat around me. Those who sat too far were just... out of my reach. LOL... Well they are all fine young men.



I am not sure if I have done the right thing really to have met up with these guys. They seem to be as normal as other people. Of course, a little gayness can be felt here and there. I am still surprised to have met all of them. Thanks to Adrien who called me suddenly to meet and I didn't even prepare myself to 'come out'. LOL... Oh well, but I did. I think I did well. Well enough to have people calling me a freak. LOL... but seriously come to think of it, I think I was a little freaky for getting people's number at the first meeting. Goodness, what was I thinking?! Never mind, I know I am not a stalker. It was fun though.

Right. I had fun. To all good men, cheers!

Ryan the Greatest

It starts with my new found Greek God Ryan Barry. For those who doesn't know who he is, you're so out-dated. Go wiki him out! He's a HOT HUNK NOT TO BE MISSED! And how lucky Reichen really is, to have the privilege to taste every inch of his body from top to bottom. Well, Reichen is Barry's boyfriend, so... you know.

Ryan Barry

No wonder girls are complaining that all hunky studs are gays. I don't really agree but I will be glad if that's the fact. I am kinda bitchy these days. Not bitchy. I don't know what is the right word. But I felt like saying something I wanna say and don't give a damn what other really think about it. Is it arrogant? No, don't think so. But I feel like a bitch barking something people doesn't really wanna hear.

And all of the sudden I came up with this so-called 'realization' that all guys named Ryan are either good-looking, charming, talented or handsome. Well, you see Ryan (Barry) is undoubtedly a hunk. Look at that body! Look at his fine face! Right, that is one hunky Ryan.

Ryan Phillipe

Look at another one - Ryan Phillipe. Yeap! Another cute boy, now a man. Remember the 'Cruel Intention'? Oh his bubble butt, unforgettable! And he's no doubt another cute cute cute cute cute pie I could taste night and day.

Ryan Gosling

Coming up next, Ryan Gosling. I am sure he starred in many movies previously. But started to notice him since the movie - Fracture. He's good in that movie. I mean his acting skill. I even wrote about it in one of the post in my blog here. And yes, he's not really a hunk, but he's handsome. Good-looking too. Well, it's very rare to find NOT good-looking actor.

Ryan Reynolds

Fine, another Ryan! Ryan Reynolds! I don't know much about him. Another tasty man starred in some chic flick movies, some action movies... well. He's gorgeous! And he sure maintain his body shape really well too. Any more Ryan?! Oh yes, Ryan Seacrest! That American Idol host! I wouldn't say he's a hunk, but he's quite cute with a good smile that he always put on his face.

Oh one more! Ryan Giggs! Err... not a hunk for me, but surely is a talented soccer player. It's funny when I introduce myself to others that my name is Ryan, most of them will response and say:"Oh Ryan Giggs?!" Why nobody thought of Ryan Barry?! I would be delighted if someone say :"You're Ryan Barry? Or Ryan Phillipe?!" Well, no doubt Ryan Giggs is more famous. Too bad I am not a soccer fan! I only know David Beckham and Michael Owen. And lately there's this new hunk Christiano Ronaldo? Did I spell his name right?

Ryan Carnes

There are more Ryan(s). Ryan Carnes, Ryan Cabrera... Ryan Ryan Ryan... Oh, having said all that, I just want to say, my name is Ryan! And I should thank to the person who gave me this name. And no, they're not my parents. My parents are not Christian, so I don't have a Christian name actually. Ryan, a name given by a friend. A guy. Well, someone who I have lost contact with for quite some time now. I should thank him for the name.

Merry Christmas '07 (Part 2)

I'm not sure what's got me to come up with something like a part 2 thingie. I guess it's just because I am very much still in the Christmas mood. I'm even having a hunky stud wearing nothing but a red Christmas hat with two white pillows cover his lower body as my desktop wallpaper.







Well, finally it has come to the end of my long holiday. 6 days. They just passed by like that. I wouldn't say I have had a GREAT BLASTING holiday. Because there's no parties but just a small intimate gathering with old friends and most of the remaining time, I spent it with my family or enjoying my own space and privacy. Very quiet and peaceful. And I really enjoyed that.

And it's amazing to realize that I am all energized and ready to go to work tomorrow. Although I would be delighted if I could extend my holiday, I really don't mind going to work tomorrow. I even kinda looking forward to work tomorrow. Something changed about me. I am not really sure what it is. But it does not really matters. What matters most is that I am happy and really enjoying life more than I used to.







I also noticed one thing. Last night I was still awake at 2am and I did not feel tired nor sleepy. That's very weird! Normally I would start to be feeling tired and sleepy at 12am and I will have to get into bed before I fainted from exhaustion. But last night I was still happily surfing on the internet and watching movie until early morning. I think I must have had enough rest and slept a lot. Yeap! I sometime enjoyed the afternoon nap. I am very happy when it rains around 5pm these days. And it rains heavily! Pouring rain! I love raining when I'm at home. I could enjoy the rhythm of the rain while feeling a little cool even without the air-cond on. Lovely! And it's a natural lullaby that always makes me fall asleep.

I have had a great holiday. I should have a long holiday once a year. It really help to refresh and re-energized myself. And resting for one day or two doesn't really help to recover you from all the exhaustion and tiredness. Long holiday will surely help!







And I'm feeling... GOOD! :D Of course, more hunks to make the season brighter! :p