Say No to Depression

I was watching "I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry" when my cellphone rang. Irritated, I unwillingly got myself out of bed (yes, my computer is just beside my bed) and pick up the call. Strange enough, it was a girl friend who hasn't called me for ages. Anyway, she's one of my best mate during university. So, quite happy to hear from her again.

She sounded weird and reluctant a bit when she first spoke to me. I thought she has something bad to tell me but later I found that was not the case.

Girl-friend : Hi Ryan! How are you?
Me : Good! Still alive and kicking!
Girl-friend : Hehe... so everything good?
Me : Yeah! Couldn't be better.
Girl-friend : Eh! I've got something to ask you. But err... I don't know how to ask... Hahaha...
Me : Come on! Just shoot! I won't bite!
Girl-friend : Emm... I remember you suffered from depression before. Have you recovered?
Me : Hahaha... Do I sound like I am depressing now? Girl-friend : Well, not exactly. But I'll never know.

Later I found out that actually she suspected her sister was suffering with depression. She told me that her sister has been acting very weirdly. That poor little girl who is currently studying the third year in university has a lot in her mind. She is in fear that her secondary school-mates who hated her would come and told her current university-friends something bad about her and that she'll lose all her friends. She even worries that her friends will not like her anymore and will do something bad to her. Thus, sometime she cries suddenly, and in the next moment, she would laugh and that scares the hell out of her roommate.



Being the elder sister, my friend certainly feel worry about her emotional and depressing sister. She wouldn't know what to do except she remember she once had a trouble-some and weird friend who suffered from depression as well. And that's me!

She told me all about her sister's condition and behaviour in hope that I could help her out in some way. Well, I am not a professional counsellor nor psychiatrist. But I don't mind sharing my experience with her about my condition during depression and what a depression patient really want and need. I thought I should share some of my experience here hopefully it will help more people.

When I was depressed, I seriously lost all the trust and confident in every people. Even me myself. I trusted no one. And that all my mind was full of negativities. What if he lies to me? what if something bad happens? what if the plan fail? What if what I thought was wrong? All negativities. And the problem is I don't even trust myself.

Most of my friends were kind enough to talk to me and comfort me. Telling me that those bad things were my imagination and assumptions. Those might not be true. But I kept on worrying. But I always found excuses to disagree with them. Yes, I worried, I was anxious, I was easily frustrated. And the more I worry, the more I depressed. And even crying out loud didn't help to comfort or make anything better. I still remember I cry in front of the mirror and found myself really really stupid and that Ii was the most useless person in the world. Inferiority, unworthiness, sad, despair... suddenly all mixed up and ate me up from inside. And in the end, I felt numb and the only thing I wished to do was to ignore the whole world and fall asleep.



Well, to deal with a depressed people, I have a few suggestions. Again, I have to stress, that I am not professional and I am just speaking from my experience. As I said, normally a depression person doesn't trust anyone. That's why they always disagree with the argumant that they should stop worry and nothing bad gonna happen to them. To them, they always think that they should worry over whatever they are worrying now. However, keep talking to them. Let them know that nothing bad is gonna happen to them.

What I remember most was that I needed someone to be there. No matter what. There was this friend who told me that, no matter what I have done, no matter what I will be, and no matter how things are gonna change, she'll still be my friend. And that really comfort me. Knowing that no matter what, we will still be accepted by someone. That's really comforting.

Another thing is about family support. Family had been a really good support for me, especially my mom. I once talk about it in this post where she told me that she couldn't understand my actual problem and that she couldn't help me. But she will be there and go through that "darkness" with me. Pretty touched, really!

But most importantly, always keep depressed people company. Make sure they always have someone to talk to. And let them know whatever they're going through is just part of their life. Not all. Of course, once they go through that period, they will become much stronger! And don't treat depressed patient as if they're psycho-path people. They might act weird at times, but they don't mean it seriously. Who want to act like a mad man anyway?! It's just their mind playing trick! So ignore their abnormal behaviour! :p

Anyway, I hope I did help my friend just now. It's sad really to know that many people are getting depressed nowadays. Living in this cold harsh world, you'll never know what it can do to a fragile human. I am glad that I've gone through that. At least I could see myself getting better and better each day.

Before I end my post, I would like to share the following clip with you'al. It's the song from "The Banquet". Love the song to the max!!!

张靓颖 - 我用所有报答爱(Only For Love) MV

Worried-some

For this whole day I was worry over something that is out of my control.

What if that happened?! Damned, I was so worry!

I was at a client site this morning, while scrolling the mouse trying to find something important in the server, I thought I might have accidentally dragged a file or folder to another place. Panic, I quickly undo the action. But it ended up popping out a warning message of deleting a text file. Shit! I must not delete anything from the server! So I clicked the 'No' button. I was confused! I thought I have move file or folder to a different location?! How come it ended up delete a file when I try to undo?!

Since I have something more important to do, I thought I should settle up my task first. So ignoring that part, I continue to do my work and left the site. On my way back, the guiltiness ate me up from inside. What if I have really move some important folder to another location? What if I've caused problem to the whole system? What if other application in that server can no longer function as usual? What if the whole server crash after a few days? Many of these kind of questions attacking me in my head while I speechlessly hope that all of that consequences will not happened. And I kept consoling myself that they're just my imagination.

Stay calm. That's just my imagination!

Got back to my office, I quickly make a few experiments with my own computer. Dragging a few folders and move to different location and try to undo the action and see what it will be like. And guess what I have found, if you move a folder to another location within the same drive, the folder will be moved to the new location. When you try to undo, the folder will be moved back to the original location. However, if you have move a folder from one drive to another drive (such as dragging a folder from drive C to drive D), then the folder will be copied to the new location instead of move. So when you try to undo, the folder will be deleted from the new location (thus the window will prompt you to confirm if you want to delete the folder from the new location). From this experiment, I guess I must have dragged the file from one drive to another drive, that's why when I try to undo, window prompt me a message to confirm if I want to delete the file.

Having that conclusion didn't really comfort my already anxious heart and soul. I kept on worrying over something that might happened. Thousands and millions of "what if" like the arrows coming from everywhere shooting towards my direction. And I wish I could just cast them away with just a wave of my hand.

Knowing that I was being over-worried, I need to argue and debate with the inner-self. Constantly convince myself that nothing will go wrong. Even if something wrong, there'll be solution for every problem and that I should stay calm and stop worrying. Of course, say a little prayers did help to clam myself down. Now who said praying is stupid?! It somehow comfort me and I could felt the inner peace. Perhaps it's because I have something to hold on to.

Praying that nothing will go wrong.

And this all reminds me of my depression not so long ago. Yes, I got anxious very easily. I was over-worried and being very pessimist. One minor error will stressed me up like there'll be no tomorrow. Eventually I lost my common sense and act very weirdly. And that led to more mistakes and errors. Consequently, I felt myself doing nothing right and blame myself for every wrongs I've done.

And today, I found myself acting a little stronger. At least I managed to cast away the negativities. At least I stayed calm and didn't do something stupid to cause more problems to myself. At least I managed to convince myself to be strong even if there's anything happened in the end. After all, I managed to stop myself for making negative assumptions.

Assume is the 'ass' of 'u' and 'me'!

And so I've learned, don't make stupid assumption. And don't worry over thing which is out of your control. Because in the end, you might only hurt yourself for nothing.