Life Goes On

Another emo-post this will be.

As much as I hate about me being cynical and forever-complaining kind of person, I still have to write this down to at least pour out the negative energies I have within myself.

Life, especially working life has not been treating well these days. In fact, for quite a long time. It started with the hatred towards the project I am working on and of course the supervisor who had given me a lot more burden and stresses which basically brought me to a nervous breakdown recently.

And now even seeing his face, or even hearing his voice from afar would make me feel sick and stressed out. Enough about him. Don't even wanna think about him.

So last week, I had a vervous breakdown. Luckily I did not pull out the knife and cut my wrist to commit suicide or something like that. Committing suicide has always been considered a stupid act in my mind. I mean life is precious and it is stupid to kill it just for the current tormenting period. However, I still need to go through such tragedic period of my life. I know I can choose to go through it with a happy heart instead of griping and griping endlessly. Unfortunately, it is just too difficult when everything just doesn't go your way every minute, every second.

Realizing that I have not been happy and under great amount of stresses since early this year, I guess I have come to a stage where I really cannot take it anymore. So the thought of resignation appearred in my mind. Yeah, that's it! I have had enough and I need to make some changes. If resigning will ever make me happier, that's all I will do. So on that one particular night, I actually thought about resigning and how that whole thing will lead me too. And to think about what job I will have after this actually make me feel calmer and hopeful. I guess it's because I no need to think about my work and for one moment, those burden and stresses have been taken off my shoulder, and I could actually feel peace within myself.

Sadly, the next day I woke up and I still have to go through all the traumas and unfortunate events of my life. And it was a DISASTER!

Not wanting to rush into the decision of quitting this job and run away from challenges, I basically endured for last few days of my stay in pakistan until I go back to pakistan to discuss it with my family. I was too heat up with the thought of this project which leading me to depression. This supervisor was not good in supervising. Other than blaming the exterior factor that brought me so much miseries, I also blamed myself for being such dumb and useless person who knows nothing much about banking system. It's because the lack of knowledge and experience, I need to struggle to learn and understand the whole thing while documenting some processes which I can hardly understand.

In addition, writing meeting minutes was also a very challenging task for me because I could hardly understand what they were discussing. Part of it of course was because of the limited business knowledge I am possessing. Another part is because the users spoke in Urdu languange among themselves. Amazingly, my supervisor could guess what they were talking about (because he know those business terms they used) and I was left there knowing nothing at all what was going on. So everyday I went back to my accomodation, I always have hard time writing minutes. And I always have to spend hours to figure out myself to at least come out with something to be written in the meeting minutes and send to my supervisor for review.

I guess these whole things make me feel worse about myself. Of course, I could hardly get any job satisfaction.

So after back in Malaysia, I spent some times talking with mom and senior friends. Some said I should stay, some said just hop to another company. Ultimately, it's up to me to make the decision. Knowing the current situation out there, I should stay in this company and continue working on this project. But my instinct told me to move on to another company. Gosh, where does this instinct even coming from?!

But I feel better when I am in Malaysia. Maybe there are friends and family here which keep me company and I will always have someone to talk to. However, I lost my passion in working. I used to be afraid of going to office. Every morning I'll fear for the challenges that I need to face everyday. But now, I don't give a damn anymore. It's like every morning, though I hate the fact I still need to go office and face whatever I need to face, I basically have no fear, no interest, no motivation or what-so-ever. I just go to office with the thought of leaving this company soon. Even though deep down inside I know I won't simply resign, having the thought of leaving this company soon give me a sense of peacefulness and hopes. So I still go to office.

But I am no longer that cheerful and motivated person I used to be. My can basically feel my face without smile. I guess my colleagues and even the supervisor noticed that I am not happy. But I don't fucking give a damn. I know this is not good. Showing your true emotion and unmotivated attitude doesn't help you add points in your performance. But I just don't care anymore. I was hurt, indirectly. I was badly injured, mentally. And I had been 'altered'.

I am so unhappy that I don't even look at my supervisor in the eyes. And today, for a long long time, I leave the office at 6:15pm (I normally worked till 8pm or later). I never asked the supervisor if there's anything that I need to do or attend to. And he saw me walking out of the door. I just don't give a fucking damn.

Amazingly, I don't hate myself for being a jerk. And when I reached home, my parents were shocked I got home so early. They just welcomed me home and I had dinner with them. Again, it has been such a long time since I last had dinner with them. Guess this is what I really wanted. To be able to come home and have dinner with family. Spend some times with them and enjoy your personal time at home.

Though tomorrow will never die, at least I know what I want in life and will make some efforts to achieve it. Now it's still early to say anything. I'll take one step at a time. I need time to cool off myself and also find back my motivation to work. Life goes on. And I need to go on too...

Ain't Misbehaving

One week spent in Karachi. Another week to go. Taking a deep breath, I should endure for another week. Hopefully the time will fly even faster for this coming days! You know, I felt like I am taking a long deep breath before I drown into the deep ocean to find something, before I can re-surface to catch another breath of fresh air. That will be when I am back in Malaysia.

In my previous post, I was happy. But as expected, situation get worse when the real work get started. However, I managed to cope. And as I have expected what is coming, I am more prepared. So I was not hurt that badly. Though yesterday I almost couldn't take it and would want to breakdown and just cry my heart out. Fortunately, I managed to chat with some of my friends over the internet and I found some comforts there. At least, I have someone to talk to and to pour out the negative feelings and energies out of me. And yes, I felt better after that. Friends are so important when we are in need.

And I felt blessed actually to be able to talk to them. Normally I won't have the opportunity to talk to them when I am in Pakistan. Why?

Well, yesterday is special. There was a riot in Karachi city yesterday and more than 30 people were killed and more people were seriously injured - Bad Time! Hence, we were asked to leave the office and go back to the hotel and stay there until further notice - Good Time! Well, we still need to work in the hotel (apparently there's a meeting room in the hotel which we can use to work), but I had the internet access to chat with my friends there. You probably might wonder why couldn't I chat over the internet in the office. Because the stupid office do not have internet access. Stupid! Even if they have, I won't have time to chat. I will be in the meeting listening and taking minutes. If not meeting, I will be busy writing documents. So yesterday was special.

And actually I felt really stressed up yesterday morning. Since early morning the supervisor was pouring me with tonnes of workloads that I should finish this up by this date and settle that one by that date. Great! And I was not feeling well, actually. The feelings of over-stressed hit me again, till I felt tensed and nausea. Then the news of riot arrived, and we were still in the meeting which was held for four fucking hours! After the meeting, we immediately head back to our hotel and settled there.

That's when I saw a few friends online and started to chat with them with my supervisor sitting in front of me. Ah, as if I care! So we were exchanging our traumatic experiences working overseas (I also have colleagues who are working in another country), and start cursing and griping and complaining! Hahaha... I started to realize I used a lot of bad words when talking to them. We were so stressed and felt that we are treated unfairly that we need to curse with those vulgar words. As if by saying those words, the negativity within us will be pulled out. And yes, we felt better indeed after that. We sounded crazy but we understood why we behave in a way that we should not behave. We were "unbalance"! Simple as that!

The fun part was I was cursing and cursing in front of the supervisor and he didn't know anything. Bwahahaha... I was basically "front-stabing"! Who said I am kind and innocent?

I know I know. Cursing and griping is fucking annoying! But if that's how I will feel better and at least feel less stress and less tensed, that's what I am gonna do. Until I find a better way to release my stresses and tensions.

For I am officially a fucked-up man, who you don't want to mess up with!

Enjoying The Now

It has been 4 days I am away from home to the far away land named Karachi. Unexpectedly, I am feeling ok. In fact, it is better than okay. I can say, most of the time, I am enjoying. Enjoying the luxuries in a 5-star hotel. And as for work, I guess it'll be alright. Well, the real thing will start next week, which is tomorrow. So I can only prepare for the worst, and hope for the best. After all, I had given my best to finish off whatever I need to do when I was in Malaysia.

Surprisingly, even my supervisor was a bit enjoying his moment and not as tensed as he used to be. Or maybe we started to get along well after working together for a few months. At least I understand him more and know how to communicate with him. And guess what, he even asked me to go swimming after work yesterday. After that, we went to enjoy the jacuzzi, steam bath and also relaxing in the special room equipped with comfortable seats and a large wide screen LCD TV. We lied ourselves in the seats and enjoy reading newspaper and watching National Geography or Discovery channels. Late at night, we went out for dinner and talked a bit. Most of the things we talked about were work-unrelated. Great!

And last night, before I went to bed and sleep, I watched the "Sunday Night Project" (it used to be Friday Night Project) featuring Lily Allen as the guest host and really enjoyed every single bit of it. For a long long time, I really laughed out loud while watching that comedy show.

And this morning, I woke up pretty early and start surfing. Mostly browsing through facebook to see if I could find any eye-candies. Unfortunately, it was a waste of time. No hunk or hot guys to be found. Disappointed, I went to take shower and took my free breakfast in the restaurant located at the ground floor in the hotel. I ate a lot, certainly. When I am in a good mood, I tend to eat a lot more than usual. And chatted a bit with my colleagues who were there on the same project. And yes, my supervisor was there too.

After the breakfast, my supervisor asked me to join him play snooker! I was like OMG~! I really have no idea how to play snooker!!! And I have never, I mean NEVER, played snooker before. However, I still responded him non-chalantly with :"Sure! Let's go!". I regretted immediately and thought how stupid I was.

Having no choice, I tried to play. But the good thing is, the supervisor was very patient in teaching me how to play. Your hand should put like this, and that hand must be firm, your hand should build a bridge for the stick... bla bla bla. Frankly, I did not want to play snooker. And I didn't like to play snooker. I mean, come on, do I ever look like a sport man?! That is so NO. You ask me to sing, to read, to play piano, I am fine with all of that. But don't ask me about sports. Ping pong, badminton, basketball, football... whatever. NO NO NO!

However, I still did my best and learn to play. And guess what, I only managed to score two balls into the hole (whatever you call it) on the snooker table. And I was sweating. Yet, the supervisor played like a pro. I guess he got bored of playing with me since I am so totally not his competitor. No challenge, no fun! So after two round of games, he called it off and we went back to our room. I was so glad. Hopefully this is the first time, and also the last time he asked me to play snooker with him. :P

And guess what, I have the whole Sunday afternoon for myself. To be a bit productive, I spent an hour and a half to read up some documents. After that, I enjoyed reading the newspaper and watch an episode of "Brothers & Sisters". Gosh, I like this. In a luxury hotel room with a laptop and internet connection, I guess that's all I need to enjoy myself.

And then around 5pm, we went to visit our colleagues who are staying in a guest house. And we were served with chapati for dinner. And tell you what, in the guest house, there are two cooks! And the cooks are young and HOT! One of them is even hunky! Gosh, I couldn't stop ogling at him. His huge arms, tight shirt showing his huge pecs! Irresistible! Yummy yummy! And they are a good cook! The chapati they prepared were delicious! I even took a photo with both of them. How can I not, right?! Hopefully next time I got to stay in the guest house and be served by the hot hunk every day. Bwahahahaha...

Hmm... tomorrow will be Monday. I guess it will be the beginning of a very busy and hectic week. Anyway, I'll worry about that tomorrow. For now, I am going to enjoy every single moment of the present. Enjoy it to the fullest! For now is the best moment I have in a long long time.

*Note : No hunky photos for this post as I am in Karachi and I did not have those hunky photos with me. :-(

The Confession of a Workaholic

I’m gradually turning, transforming, evolving… to become a workaholic. =_=

I know I know. I used to be a procrastinator. But lately I realize I can’t stop working. Once I finished one task, I’ll definitely anticipate for the next assignment to be given to me.

There was one day when I really finished all my works and I thought that I could finally relax in the office and do what I do best in the office – procrastinating. Mana tau (Who knows) I actually felt so guilty and unproductive that I find something to do myself. I ended up doing research on those work-related topics.

Yes, I was shocked myself. But I can’t help it. I will feel useless and guilty if I have nothing to do or simply surf net or chatting all day long. That used to be my favourite job-of-the-day things, but now I cannot stand procrastinating and do something non-work-related in the office.

Don’t get me wrong, though! I am not saying that I am enjoying the whole process of working like a cheap slave. I get myself to work so that the end of the day I won’t feel regret and guilty. And that I have done my best and really worked my ass off. Not looking for rewards or compliment from the boss(es) since they hardly gave us any. It’s merely for the peace of mind for myself so that at the end of the day, I can convincingly assure myself that I had given my best and that’s all I can give.

I guess working on this new project really had me changing. For the better I hope. Despite the stresses and tension, I am learning to enjoy the present, do my best and stop worrying about what will happen in the future. So I will focus on the ‘now’. Work and work and work. Then play and play and play. Work hard, play hard.

I can take a step back and take a deep breath. Then keep on moving forward again. I guess that’s what I am gonna do from now on. Not sure if I will ever feel better this way, but I need to give it a try. If being a workaholic will give me the satisfaction and happiness I need, then I’ll be one.

Climb Every Mountain

I had a great weekend. It has been quite a long time since I had such a satisfying weekend. Despite the fact that on and off I would worry about working life, but I manage to cast away those thoughts and reminded myself to enjoy the present moment and stop worrying about the future.

So last Saturday morning I went to FRIM Park with two colleagues who is living somewhere near my house. We planned to go for a morning jog followed by a dim sum breakfast to release our stresses and tension. So we went to the park as agreed. Instead of jogging, we ended up climbing the hill. It was like jungle trekking. I did not prepare for that. So it was truly challenging for me to climb that not-so-high hill. However, amazingly, I kind of enjoyed it. We talked and climbed. Stepping on those muddy stones and climbing our way up to don’t-know-where, while griping and cursing about life and people we don’t like. Sweat dripping out of our bodies. It was as if the negative energy was flowing out of our body as well.

After we reached a certain height, surely not the peak, we walked back down. Oh, it was so easy to walk back down. But I could feel my legs were shaking! Damn, it proved that I have not been exercising for quite some time. No stamina at all! However, we were so glad when we reached back down the hill. Tired and hungry we were. We straight-away went for our dim sum breakfast!

It was the best breakfast ever! We were so hungry that we kept on ordering the dim sum and ate like there’d be no tomorrow. And the dim sum were very delicious. Not sure if it was because we were too hungry that all food taste extraordinary delicious. We have fun eating and chatting.

Perhaps life is like that. Many mountains need to be climbed. It is never easy to climb a mountain. There will definitely be a lot of obstacles along the way. It may be a small or a big stone, or a slippery slope that will always cause you to fall down if you’re not being careful; Maybe the coldness or the darkness of the jungle would bring you fear and insecurities, which will try to stop you from moving upward or forward. But if we are strong and wise enough, we’ll not be defeated or give up. We’ll keep walking on. Through the wind or rain, we’ll reach the peak of the mountain and gain the victory.

And I am glad I went to FRIM park to climb the hill.  I felt good. Really good, indeed. At least during the whole process I really felt myself being happy and care-free. I should definitely do this again!

Bad Days

It must be a very very saddening and depressing season lately. Wherever I go, I see sad faces, I hear gripes and complaints. It seems like everyone is not capable of being happy these days. Was it because of the economic crisis? Or was it a coincidence that everyone is just having bad days at the same time?

I don’t know about others. But I am definitely having hard times to figure out why am I not happy these days.

I think I have got used to not being happy.

Last few weeks, or almost a month, I have  been working my ass off doing user-requirement documentation. Those days of long working hours and tension and stresses… are just terrible. So last Friday I finally finished off everything. Not sure if whatever I wrote is right or wrong. But I submitted those documents (with total of more than 600 pages) to the project manager anyway.

I couldn’t care anymore. Deep down inside, I know there will be some mistakes or incorrectness in those documents. But I did my best. And I am not given enough time to re-check my works.

I mean, you want me to re-check and re-read those 600++ pages of document within a few days? That’s just RIDICULOUS! Even if those are man2man sex erotic novel, I won’t be able to finish them in few days.

Guess what, even my supervisor did not bother to check my works. I submitted my updated documents EVERY SINGLE DAY to him. He is supposed go through and let me know if there is any mistake, which I should correct or do any necessary amendment. Well, when there is no comment from him, I have to assume whatever I wrote is correct.

Oh hell, he never read! I did ask him if there’s anything wrong with my documents… he admitted he didn’t have time to read. Fucked! I am not very happy with this!

Can I blame him?

And after submitting on last Friday, I thought I could have a relaxing weekend with no more worry or anxiety, and I can sit back and relax. Guess what, I did not have my ideal weekend. Especially today (Sunday). I keep worry about what come next. What will I need to face on Monday when we meet up with the project manager?

“Craps! These documents are just pieces of shit! Re-do again!”

Oh, my pessimism and negative thoughts always know when and how to attack me!

Lately I have been thinking, is it worth it to go through all these? I am not happy. Is it because of my supervisor, who doesn’t really check my works, or trust me too much? Or is it because of the long working hours? Or is it because I don’t like to write documentation? Or is it because I don’t know what I am doing?

I am lost. Definitely lost. Lost and unmotivated. I do not know what I really want. I do not know how and what to do to gain the satisfaction, which will keep me moving forward.

What am I to do? I have no mood to do anything. No mood to work, no mood to watch movie, no mood to play piano, no mood to read, no mood to eat…

And knowing tomorrow is Monday does not help at all…

The only thing I know, is that I can’t go on like this…

John, O John!

Once again he impressed me with his live performance. I just can’t get enough of him. Oh yes, I am talking about John Barrowman!

Browsing through youtube, I unconsciously typed the ‘john barrowman’ in the search box to see if there is any new video clips of John Barrowman that I might have missed out. I love checking out live performance. MVs are nice, but I still prefer to watch live performance as it show an artist’s true talent and improvisation by the artist can be amazing!

So after clicking the Search button, a list of familiar video clips are listed. However, there is this one link caught my attention – John Barrowman – Before the Parade Passes By. I have never seen him singing that song. No doubt I like the song. One link lead to another, I finally got to see a clip, which really captured my heart. And the performance took my breath away.

It was a live performance during the Faenol Festival 2008 where John Barrowman sang a duet with another cute young man named Daniel Boys. This song was from the musical Chess - written by Björn Ulvaeus, Benny Andersson and Tim Rice. I don’t know much abour the musical Chess. But I guess this song is meant to be sung by two females. And this song was sung by Elaine Paige & Barbara Dickson. And John would like to make a twist on the song by singing this song with another man, Daniel Boys.

Who is Daniel Boys? He’s one of the participants of the London BBC reality show Any Dream Will Do. He didn’t win the competition, but that doesn’t matter. He’s a good performer and singer. Oh, what makes the whole thing interesting is that he is gay. Yeah, out and proud!

So imagine two gay men singing this song, simply F.A.N.T.A.S.T.I.C.!

I Know Him So Well – John Barrowman & Daniel Boys

Although Daniel’s voice is not as powerful as John’s, but watching them singing together is truly touching and breath-taking! And having this song being sung by two (gay) men giving me a another indescribable feelings and impacts. I just don’t know how to put them into words. I can keep watching and repeating this clip whole night and never feel bored.

And the following is my all-time-favourite song. I think no one sing this song better than John Barrowman!

I Am What I Am – John Barrowman

John had released a new album – “Music Music Music”, and the above two songs are included in his latest album!

I heart John Barrowman! And Daniel Boys is cute! So cute! And hot! And talented! And has hairy chest! And he is a British! And I am a ‘potato queen’! Did I just hint something?! :P

Previous Post about John Barrowman:
John Barrowman

Pakistani Hunk

Perhaps I should say something more delightful about my stay in Pakistan, despite all the bad experiences I have had. Sad, really. I guess it is all because I was on a business trip. Everything turns bad when it is related to work. Things would have been better if I were on a vacation trip to Pakistan, maybe.

Cast away all those negativities, let’s see what I have got.

Well, stealing some times out of my busy schedule, I followed my colleagues to the Sunday Market. Now, I am not a person who likes to go to the market. I hate the crowded place with people sweating. And we have to even squeeze with them to get from one place to another. Yucks! Even when I was in Malaysia, I always decline my mom’s ‘invitation’ to join her to ‘have a walk’ in the morning market.

Anyway, having the need to get away from work, I reluctantly joined my colleague to the Sunday market. As expected,the crowd, the sweat, the noise of bargains… just ‘great’!

However, something caught my attention there.

Isn't the guy in black hot?

How about this one?

Now now now… aren’t they look like a … cute couple? No?!

Well, besides Sunday Market, I did went to some other place like a shopping mall. Well, they do not have a great mall like Pavilion or Mid-valley in Malaysia. They just have a very small one, like Jaya Jusco, in Karachi.

And I found this in a Mall named The Forum.

Not clear enough?

Hot! Hot! Hot!  

Why suddenly I feel the urge to re-visit this mall again? Hmm… maybe not. I could find some hotter poster in Malaysia, can I?!

Through The Rain

I realized I have not blog about my stay in Karachi. In fact, I didn't really wanna think about it as it reminded me of those difficult days when I was really stressed and depressed. Those days were memories I didn't want to remember. Even after I came back to Malaysia, I was still greatly affected by the 'trauma' I suffered in Karachi. It's like the tormenting aftermath of a tragedy. I basically struggled, and am still struggling, to get myself back up and cast away those unnecessary worries and stresses.


So what happened? Not that I was dragged into a dark alley and being raped repeatedly by crazy rapist. Crap! Why am I even thought of that? In fact, Karachi seemed to be a safer place if compared to what were reported by the media. Of course, again, Malaysia is still a better place to live in. The point is, working on this project in Karachi is killing me. Not about the workloads, not about the long working hours, not even about how far away from home I was or how reluctant I was to masturbate in the luxury hotel room fearing that there might be hidden camera somewhere in the room. Thanks to those news about Edison Chan, Dr Chua and ... whatever. OK, sound ridiculous, but I was that worried. Never mind! But the main problem I suffered was because the people I was, and still am, working with.

First, my superior, or supervisor, whatever you call it. Of course, this is the first time we work together. He's this business manager kind of person, not a technical person. And he is used to being working alone. So he normally think on his own. And working for him was a night-mare! I did not understand him. Come on, he work things out in his head and he never tell me anything. How was I supposed to know what was he thinking or trying to do? And we were like not so close, as I am still very new to him, I have problem understanding him. And his quietness and emotionless face was scary sometime. Oh no, should be most of the time. So I always had to guess what was he thinking, what was he trying to do, what would be his next move? And it was TIRING!

Sometime when I tried to ask him something, he would frown and give me that kind of face like "What? That shouldn't be the way? You shouldn't do that? How stupid that is!?". And I would be de-motivated. And he hasn't really made any comment yet. Just that frown or the questioning look on his face, was good enough to make me think I was a big dumb useless fool! Yea, he was THAT good in bringing me down.



And of course, when he did make a comment, especially those bad ones, I would be totally defeated. Worse than being slapped on the face or being poured with cold water. Really! Of course, I understand he's being stressed also with all the decisions he had to make and to report to the unpredictable project manager above him. But at least he should not pour all the stresses on me too. Wasn't it better if we could share our problems and sort things out together?! Oh, I forgot, who was I to share things with him? He has many years of working experiences, and I am like what? 3 years plus experience? Undoubtedly, what he was thinking is just 'advance level', I am still at the beginner or intermediate level and I will never be good enough.

What make things worse was that I don't really have a personal time on my own there. You see we have to write daily report everyday to submit to the project manager. And for my team, I was assigned to do the report. Every day I have to wait for him to finish writing his report so I can compiled it with mine before I can submit to the project manager. And normally I have to wait till 11pm or 12am. Well, I could not blame him entirely on this because after work he has so many other more important things to think over and work on that writing report was just not his priority. So I normally have to wait till he send his report to me and then I could compile it and finally submit to the project manager. Thus, I slept late at night and have to wake up 6:30am in the morning.

And that's not all. Another thing would be the over-all team members. There are many teams in one project. Yea, and we did not mix around. You mind your own business and I mind mine. Too bad my team just didn't mix along well to the project manager's team. Not that we were against each other. But we just we just did not mix around. Again, my superior being quiet and think on his own kind of attitude, certainly not being understood by many people. And me, I have no choice but to stick with my superior and just being quiet like him.

And so in that kind of situation, I was really stressed out. Until I felt depressed. Un-motivated. No mood to work. And being scared of not being able to deliver whatever I should deliver. Under such over-stressing situation for over three weeks, I was basically 'de-formed'. Ye, mentally deformed. I would wake up in the morning fearing to face the world. At night I would cry myself to sleep wondering how would I go through the next day. And during the day I would feel nauseas and feel like wanna vomit as I was too worried and too anxious what's gonna happen next. In fact, I was very very down. So down that I could basically feel that I had problem lifting up my head to face anyone and that my forehead was always with the frown. Everyone knew I was stressed out, obviously.

Three weeks finally over and I could flyback to Malaysia. Undoubtedly I was excited about being able to get back to Malaysia. But am I very happy? Nope. Because this is not the end. I'll still have to stick with the same people, same team members, working on this same project. So when I reached KL, I still have the same problems. Waking up wondering how to face the world, cry myself to sleep for having to lead such stressful life. And going to work seems so not interesting anymore. I hate that. And I even got tired of hating such life.

It was until after more than a week in Malaysia, that I started to really sit myself down and re-think of my whole life. Figureing out the causes of me being stress, being down, and being worry over something I was not even sure what they were all about. And it took times for me to really stand back up. To find back my confidence by doing something I love to do and good at. And to start sharing my problems with the family and close friends. And yeah, they're being supportive. I am just lucky to have such a nice family members. They are truly supportive.

And now, I still have that little pressure from works which I think I still can manage and cope. I know I am getting happier each day. I need to be strong and not be defeated by those challenges thrown at my way. Perhaps, life had been too easy for me before. That's why I was easily swayed by this so-called 'tsunami' of my working life. I was drown a bit into the deep blue sea. But I am glad I am floating back on to the surface now. Swimming my way back to the shore. At least that's how I feel now.

Life may be challenging from now onwards. But I do really hope that this will make me stronger and wiser. I have to admit after this so-called "tragedic event" in my life, I could see myself change, better. I am more disciplined now. Knowing how to make target and achieve something in a day. And even find myself to be able to speak more frequently with my superior, by ignoring his facial expression and believe in what I am doing is right and I really am trying VERY hard to work. And his comment, regardless good or bad, will not bring me down.

Even better, I start to know what I like and dislike about what I do. I know myself better. And this will certainly help me to find my way to lead a better life.

Suffocated

I don't know what to do.

I am tired of worrying and being depressed. I am trying hard to get these unknown worries off my chest. What am I worrying? I can't even tell. It has somehow become a habit. A bad bad habit which is eating me up from inside. A bad bad habit which making me incapable of being happy.

Seriously, what am I worrying?

- I don't know how to do the work? No, I know how to do it. Just do not know where to start. So I just do whatever I can first.
- I don't have sufficient information to work on my documentation? Maybe, but I can request for those missing information through email.
- My superior will give me an unpleasant glare for not collecting important information? Well, I have tried my best and I can't collect the whole information within such a short period of time.
- You are not even sure about those information you have? Yes, but I can't be sure of everything since different people giving me different information and some of them are contradicting. I have limited experiences and knowledge to judge which is true and which is false.
- You may need to cover something out of your scope? Well, I can try my best to do it, but I can't guarantee it will be the best thing I can deliver as it is OUT of my scope!
- The superior is expecting something more than you can deliver? Yes. Apparently he has high expectation on me. Too high that it gives me pressure and tension.

So is that the root cause? That my boss has too high expectation on me? Hmm.. maybe it is. Any idea how should I go about this? Tell my boss I am not as capable as he thinks I am?

I wonder... how how how?!

Zemax SX - Shooting Power?

I have been feeling exhausted and restless. And being anxious and worrisome caused me having sleepless night. So I thought I should try taking the supplement I used to have back then, which promote good sleep and improve level of testosterone.


So I went to pharmacy and bought the supplement - Zemax. Trying to search for the familiar green box all over the shelf and I finally found it, which was located at the bottom of the shelf under the vitamin/supplement category. Last box! I quickly grab it and made the payment at the cashier counter.

When I got home, I took out the box again and realized that the box with somewhat different from the one I used to buy. And instead of just Zemax, I noticed the name is now Zemax SX. Worried, I immediately do some research online. Typing the words "Zemax SX" in the search box and press the google search button.

The listing appear and I randomly clicked a few links to read through. Here is one interesting from lelong.com and I quote :

****************************************************

ZEMAX SX : Increase Your SPERM VOLUME and MOTILITY

Have you always craved explosive ejaculation, the kind that allows you to release an enormous amount of semen whenever you ejaculate for your lover?

Have you always wanted to experience orgasms that were so powerful and long that you only ever dreamed about them? Well, this is possible, even achievable with Zemax SX.

Zemax SX has a specifically designed formula of volume and potency enhancing ingredients to increase the amount of your ejaculations and give you the most powerful orgasm you have ever experienced in the quickest, the safest, and the most effective way possible. In fact, because Zemax SX are created with all natural herbs in a GMP facility, you can be assured that you will not have any adverse side effects.

Read more

*******************Unquote**********************

I was like "Whoa!"

I only need to have a good night sleep and maybe boost up my testosterone level. But "Shooting Power" and increase sperm volume? Just not what I thought of.

What the hell...you bet I took two capsules before I head to sleep. Who doesn't want to 'shoot' like there's no tomorrow? LOL... Let's see if it really improve my "shooting power".

Anyway, just in case you're interested, this link sound more similar to the description provided in the supplement box.

Oh Daddy, Sing to Me!

When it comes to a hunk, with big arms and huge pecs, I definitely succumb to his irresistible masculinity. Not sure if it was because an auto-reflex of my hormone testosterone or I had been brain-washed before, that I will be physically attracted to hunky stud.

So when I come across hunk like these :



these,



and these,



... I cannot help but staring! And maybe drooling too...

Having all the time for myself during this holiday, I basically googling all the possible hunks I can find online. And then I come across this famous ex-gay porn star who is now singer : Colton Ford!

I first came across his sexy MVs and they caught my eyes, undoubtedly. I viewed the clips repeatedly and I found my feet tapping with the music as well. His George Michael-like voice kinda attracts me. And I spent almost one whole day to search online to look for his latest album : Tug of War. It was more like a electronic, disco like music album. I don't use to like disco or techno or rock music because I find them kinda noisy and too loud to my ears. Surprisingly, I like this album. Maybe this album is not that loud. And his sexy voice keep reminding me of his huge pecs and big arms. And my testosterone will start do his magic on me... and you know I will surrender... to his sexiness!

And guess what, I always have a soft-spot for someone more mature and older than me. But don't get me wrong! I am not into daddy type. I just feel more secure with someone who is mature in thinking and who can impress me with his vast knowledge and incredible charms. :P And look at this Colton Ford! Oh my oh my, though he is kinda not-so-young anymore, he is still VERY sexy! Look at the following photos!



I wonder how he keep fit?! Look at that, still physcially fit and huge and urgh... every inch of his muscle is lickable! What a waste of him quitting gay porn industry! And and his partner Blake Harper is HOT HOT HOT!!! Go find out yourself who is Blake Harper!



So let's check out his MVs :

Colton Ford - The Way You Love Me

I don't know why I find this MV turn me on. Maybe because of his open shirt! Damn, hot hot hot! He has another version of MV for this song as follow:

Colton Ford - The Way You Love Me (Blue Door Edit)


Ain't it HOT?! He can sing half naked all through the MV and it's all good enough! I am sure it will be explosive if he were to sing while stripping! :P

Oh and the following is one of my favourite songs in the album:

Colton Ford feat. Cazwell - That's Me (Explicit Version)


Another cool MV for your viewing pleasure!

Colton Ford - Tug of War


So what do you think? Hot, right?! How can I resist such hot dad?! In fact, despite some not-so-good review from others about his music, I personally think some songs in his latest album are quite good. After all, it's his first album. I would say he has done a pretty good job. You bet I have his latest album, Tug Of War, listed in my favourite albums.

26

Such a weird number! Oh well, like it or not, that's the number of years I have been living in this world. So who has I become? What have I achieved? Nothing!

There's a little different this year. Last night, my friends asked me out and had non-alcoholic drink at the Laundry, The Curve. Just a normal chatting. They bought a slice of cake and we ran the small 'cake cutting ceremony', make a wish and blew the candle. It was simple and nice. Just nice. Then we talked and talked. But everyone was tired. They had been hanging out whole day. So we went home and rest. Oh well, at least I've got a small, sweet and nice birthday celebration. Better than stay home, I guess. At least, as I mentioned, there's something different this year.

Oh I have to write this down. I saw my crush in Pavilion yesterday! He looked so fine! And I think he bulk up a little. Yummy! He must have gone to the gym a lot and work out these days. Oh those big arms! I could melt in his embrace. He was waiting for someone, I guess. Coz I saw him looking around as if searching for somebody. I hope he's not waiting for his loved one. Coz I wish to be his loved-one. :p

I should've walked up and say hi. But I was with my parents and cousins. Not a good moment for that. Shit! Anyway, seeing him is good enough to make my day. Especially when he is still looking so good, even better and hotter! Ahhh... I can dream of him night and day!

And today, my big day, I spent the whole day at home! Just what I need! And I enjoyed you-tubing! Figured out a lot of interesting clips and watched some nice MV. From checking out Marco Blaze, to Colton Ford's MVs, to OZ's homo-erotic scenes, until some unknown hunks clips. Basically a great hunky feast. Good for my eyes!

Wonder how this year is gonna be. I hope everything will turn out better and better. My wish for this year? That would be too many. But I think I should really consider searching for my prince charming.

I was 25... going on 26!

Can't Help Being Stressed

I think I am over-stressed.

I keep worry about my works. My supervisor had assigned me some homework to do during the Chinese New Year. Sucks, I know! Oh well, I still have to do it anyway. It's about some documentation that I need to do. Putting down all those user-requirement into words and document them. Not an easy task, I would say. Especially when I did not really perform well during my stay in Karachi as I was not really prepared and I was sick like hell, due to food poisoning.

So since I could not collect sufficient information, how am I going to document them? And who can I to blame, but myself?!

So these days every day I wake up I scratch my head wondering how am I going to do this homework of mine. Undoubtedly, it had obviously spoil my Chinese New Year mood. And I hate it. I hate worry over my works during this festive season. And everybody is enjoying the holiday! And that make me feel even more worse!

So I had decided, I will try my best and document them down and submit to my supervisor before the first day of Chinese New Year. So I did, scratching my head, going through those few notes I jotted down during my discussion with the customers, and trying to remember what they said. I managed to come out with something. But not very impressive, I would say. Some of them I would say are pieces of shits. But that's all I could produce.

And suddenly I feel like I'm a piece of shit as well!

I closed my eyes, telling myself I had done my best. I put all those documents I produced in a folder and zip it up. Wrote an email and attached the zip file and sent it to my supervisor. Right before the first day of Chinese New Year.

Relieved? Not entirely. I still feel like I am doing a shoddy work. But I already did my best. What more I can do? I keep asking myself this questions. Part of me keep saying I did my best; Another part of me keep saying that there's more that I can do to make things better.

I am tired of this mental battle, or mental fight within myself. Maybe I should just forget all these troubles or problems for this holiday and start worry again when I get back to work.

But I can never stop worry! And that kills me! Fuck!

Some Bad Days

You see I have been surrounded by negativities since months ago. Ever since I started to work in the new office, back to the old office, working on another project and now working in Karachi, I have heard many complaints and gripes from colleagues. Surprisingly, even the boss also made a few complaints and shared it with us.

I doubt this will do me any good if this continue to happen.

Well, as the old saying :"If you can't defeat them, then you join them!". So I joined them. Complaining this and that and agree with whatever they are complaining, in hope that this will keep me alive in their group and be part of their 'family'. Oh, as if I have a choice, they are the only family I have now, when I am working in Karachi.

It's really disappointing that all my plans and expectations has been destroyed day by day when I reached Karachi. I thought I could enjoy working a 9 to 5 working hours and after that I could really enjoy myself in the luxurious 5 stars hotel enjoying the jacuzzi, the 100 over satellite TV channels, the gymnasium facilities, and even go sight-seeing and capture some good scenes got my blogging at night. I had that dream!

Too bad my dream didn't come true!

9 to 5 working hours? My ass! I basically have to wake up every morning around 6am and check my mails. Get myself ready including that hot shower and packing up my notebooks and fill up the bags with at least two mineral water! The weather in Karachi is cold but dry. I even have broken lips for the first few days which totally spoil my good mood! Thank to whatever up above I managed to get a lip-gloss which save me for the following days till now.

Oh where was I? Oh yeah, 9 to 5!? We had breakfast together around 8am and 830am have to be ready to be sent to the head office and start the meeting. Alright, I'll save my gripes later in this blog for how fucking annoying during work time. I'll skip it for now and talk about the time. So we end hour work at 5pm, and we have to gather at a training centre to do have a meeting to share our work experiences and discoveries of the day. Not that I am against the ideas of doing sharing, but what they shared are mostly unrelated to my area. Though I enjoyed some good laugh of those funny stories they shared during the review meeting, that hours are wasted for me.

After the meeting, which normally ends around 7pm++, we'll be sent back to the hotel. Then we'll have to decided where to have dinner. Another waste of time to determine where to dine. Then I'll have to hear complaints and gripes of the day through-out the dinner time. By the time we reach back hotel, it will be like 9pm++. Then I'll have to wash up, took shower and get myself out of the 'dust'. Yes, Karachi air is pretty polluted, in my opinion. After that, you think I can take my rest? NO WAY! I have to write meeting minutes for the day!

You see, I like to write minute if I know and understand what everybody is talking about. No offense but some people here are so good in speaking that they speak very fast with their local accent which I don't really understand. And they thought I am so good in listening and I suspect they even thought I am a professional meeting recorder that I can basically write doen each and every word they spoke. Too bad I may have deceived them with my book-nerd-like look! Oh well, I still have to complete the meeting minute no matter what and let my supervisor review before send it out to the project manageer for final review. Such a stressful work!

Only at about 11pm++ that I got to climb into my bed and start to press the TV remote control and start to watch some programs. And by the time I found my favourite channel, within the next few seconds, I already dozzed off! Fuck!

The next day will be the same old thing!

And talk about my work. I am basically here in Karachi to collect user-requirement. So I need to do a lot of interview and talk and talk and request and request more information from the user. I was allocated in the data communication conference room, together with some of my colleagues. It was a stuffy room with many computers inside. So there was this old man, who I believe is one of the top management guy, like to smoke in the room! Hey! He fucking smoke in a stuff room with air-cond on! What the hell is he thinking?! I don't really hate smokers so much before this as I don't mind other people business. But this old man really had pissed me off! It is an air-cond room for goodness sake and the room is quite stuffy already! Yet, he still without any hesitation took out the cigeratte and fucking smoke in front of us like nobody's business!

If I am not mistaken, he smoked at least 3 cigeratte per day! Imagine every day I have to be the second-hand smoker! I can imagine my lungs are now in black colour! I guess no one dare to say anything or raise an issue on that fella as he is one of the top management guy. But, again, he is not being civilized! He doesn't care about his health doesn't mean that he can spoil our health!

Expectedly, I had flu and terrible sore-throat for the next few days. See when you are sick, you can't really enjoy whatever there is for you to enjoy! Food is tasteless. Weather is cold! No matter how luxurious the hotel room is, you basically just feel numb and wish to recover from that annoying sore-throat and running nose.



And for now, I really miss Malaysia! Looking forward to go home soon next week!

P/S : It's amazing I can even write this lengthy post! Please excuse my grammer mistakes and typo error! :p