Languishing

This is definitely one of those days that I could easily break down and cry for all the reasons I need to cry over. Knowing the fact that "Life can be a pain at the ass, so deal with it!", surprisingly I managed to not shed a tear, maybe not yet.


I was being 'hit' so hard that for one moment I felt numb and don't know how to react nor response. It's like being hit by a car when you least expected it and you lost all your senses. Yeah, I actually felt that way. Until I finally got back my senses, the pain was terribly hurting.

At time like this, I felt tired. Exhausted. It's like the whole world is tumbling down and I couldn't fucking give a damn anymore.

Apparently I am not good enough. I don't know how. Seriously, I really don't know how. After all these years, I thought I've been doing ok. Little did I know that I can be hated so badly that I almost doubted everything good about myself. And, I really don't know how.

Oh well, no one is perfect. I have my weaknesses and many areas to improve. I gotta keep trying to be better.

Somehow, I find comfort in the following song. Let me be emotional... at least for now...

If you could only see that I was not put here for you

To judge me and dispute my in most truth

And after all these years of enmity, envy and tears

It's a shame you don't know me at all

I was wondering

Would you cry for me

If I told you that I couldn't breath

If I was drowning, suffocating

If I told you that I couldn't breath

Those ageless buried recollections

We transform them and select them

You have yours, I have mine, that's fine

Why are we too torn to heal

Our stitches never disappear

I have mine, you have yours, I'm sure

I was wondering

Would you reach for me

If you saw that I was languishing

I was wondering

Would you cry for me

If I told you that I couldn't breath

If I was drowning, suffocating

If I told you that I couldn't breath

Grindr-ing

And so I have bought an iPhone, like 2 months ago. Why suddenly buy? Part of it because of the annoyance from my brother who keep asking me to buy; Another part of it is I really wanted to test how 'smooth' apple product can be. I was told that iPhone never hang, the touch-screen is very sensitive and the responsiveness is superb; Of course, iPhone can download many application (or known as apps) that can keep the user entertained and never get bored. Oh yes, and one of the application I was, and still am dying to have my hand on is the gay-friendly application - Grindr!


And so it was Digi which suddenly came out with this iDigi plan for iPhone that successfully seduced me and I was so weak and desperate I fell for its "attractiveness" and "seduction". I swiped my credit card and am now bound to the iDigi plan for 2 years. It feels like I have had a one-night-stand and suddenly the girl (as if that would ever happen) got knocked-up. Suddenly I ter-kahwin (accidentally got married) and have to stuck with this girl for 2 years, luckily not forever! Damn, I was so desperate!

Back to the Grindr. I was first introduced during one of my friend's birthday party. Oh I was amazed by the convenience and easiness to get a "hook-up"! Fucked, it's really like an instant hook-up. It's so much better than the chatroom in gay.com or whatever profile you can put online. You can instantly know the nearest gay man available (or not) at your finger tips. Just open the app, grindr will scan and find the nearest gay man for you. Shit, for a single man like me, I MUST GET ONE! So that's what I thought. Expectedly, one of the first few apps that I downloaded when I have my iPhone in hand of course is Grindr. Setting up my profile and everything was done like in less than one minute?! Hahaha... And I wait. And wait. And wait. And... still waiting...

Too shy to initiate a conversation or what-so-ever. As if typing a word "Hi" would make me come out of the closet. So what I did was just browsing through the list with all those men photos displaying on my iPhone screen in full glory. Whoa, men men men! Yummy yummy yummy! Occasionally, I received an instant message with a simple "Hi" or "Hello", I would just "Hi" back or "Hello" back. Some just ended there, some followed by "Do you want your cock to be sucked?" or "Top or bottom?". I was like :"What the hell?!"

And days gone by. I did made some friends through grindr. Some are just chatting online. Some I added on facebook since they have it posted on the grindr. Amazingly, they accepted my friend request. Oh yes, some of them are HOT! Hahaha... I eventually braved enough to initiate a conversation when I see guys that I like. But sadly, some of them not are really responsive. Perhaps I'm not their type?! Guess that's part of the whole game, ya.

Another thing I like about grindr is that it makes me feel gay is everywhere. I used to think that gay men are very few in Malaysia. Like out of 100 people, there's only 1 man who is gay. But with grindr, it makes me feel differently. It's like everywhere we can find gay man. I mean the people who has iPhone (or other phone which support grindr), and have it installed in their phone and using actively, I already can feel gay man is everywhere. What about those who doesn't use grindr? I think gay population is getting bigger, no?! Hahaha...

Apart from getting to know more friends through grindr, I also like to observe the people on grindr. Some men change their photo, from showing only their face, to showing their face+shoulder, then half naked. Unfortunately no naked photo allowed on grindr. Else, will be banned. Hahaha... and to observe how far is this man from you. 1 mile? 2000 feet away or something. Oh I even get instant message from penang or even Thailand! How cool! And one thing I find it somewhat scary is that, there is this fella who stay like 800 feet away from me. Definitely a neighbour! Hahaha... I also noticed some people are having 2 iphones (or 2 phones which support grindr). Coz I saw two photos with the same person on my list. Hehehe...

Well, no matter how convenient it may be, I am still struggling to find my Mr Right. Grindr can be one way. But it's still full of people who only want one-night-stand, or just chat buddy, gym buddy or even food buddy. I have no objection to what they want. But when it comes to what I really want or need, I am not so sure if grindr is everything. Undoubtedly it gives me the convenience to get to know more gay men. In the end, it's still up to me to date someone and to see if he is my Prince Charming or not.

So, I'll continue grindr-ing. Wish me luck, ya!

The Begin After The End

Happy New Year 2010!

I know it's already the 10th day of the new year, but I guess it's still early enough to wish anyone a very happy new year. Good wishes and loves are meant to be spread around. Hahaha...

I actually intent to revamp this blog. OK, not revamp. Maybe just to change the look and feel of this site. Just to have the feeling of 'new' or 're-new'. Apparently my attempt has, again, failed. I started with replacing the blog header photo with a photo which showing my not-as-sexy pecs. How daring I can be! Thought I should put something that show something about me on this blog. Too bad, my pecs is not as appealing as this current pecs shown in the blog header photo. At the end, I gave up changing and put back up this original photo.

I then tried to change the colour of the blog. I thought my blog is just dark. Not cheerful and somewhat depressing. So I thought I should get rid of the black colour background. I like blue. So I changed the background colour to dark blue and the text to light blue. Different blue for the link, the side border etc. However, it just doesn't feel right. Awkward and uncomfortable with the new look and feel. At the end, I changed everything back.

I guess I am not ready to change. Gosh, lack of flexibility and adaptability. A sign of aging? Or perhaps I don't have the good picture yet of how I want my new blog to be. Whatever! This reminded me of the status I have written my facebook few days ago that I started feel the lack of strength and ability to do those things I wish to do. Pretty annoying seriously!

Anyway, about the new year. Oh, it is great so far! I had a good time with ex-colleagues on the first day evening of the new year. We had a small gathering at my house and enjoyed every single moment laughing and chatting. It's been a long time since I last laughed out so loud that it hurt my throat! Hahaha...

Work wise... ok as well. I managed to cope well with the assignment and tasks given. Get along better now with the team members. Just need to put more efforts to build up trust between the team members and me. And I figured I need to be more disciplined. Sometime working from home is not a good idea for me. I tend to spend more time on surf net, chatting, watch drama and porn (yes I do) than working! Hahaha... Oh well, that's one of the 'welfare/benefit' of working in this company. I just need to constantly remind myself not to abuse the 'convenience' given and make sure I do my job and deliver whatever expected on time.

Health wise... I think I bulked up... on my belly! Damn it! I hate it! I want to bulk up on my pecs and arms and shoulders and ... definitely not my belly! But uuurrrggghhh... my belly just can't stop growing bigger! Guess I need to do more sit-ups and monitor my sitting posture! Yeah my sitting posture definitely is the main contribution to my big belly. I tend to hunch my back which eventually push my belly out front. =_='''

On the good side, I hit the gym more often than I used to. Been addicted to BodyPump class lately. Thanks to the gorgeous and hunky instructor. Of course, I initially attended the class just wanted to see he flex his muscles while doing those exercises. Gosh, I once chose a place right in front of him and I got to 'examine' his legs, thighs... (I wish I can go further up to the area between his legs), his biceps, triceps, pecs... Urgh... so 'motivating'! You bet I did a great work out in his class! The good thing is I really did a full body work out. OK, maybe almost full. The sad news is that now he seems not instructing the class anymore according to the new class schedule! Damn it! I hope this is just temporarily. He is my main motivation to hit the gym and work out!

Love or relationship... Hahaha... still single. How pathetic! But I guess I am ready for a relationship. I used to have a lot of concerns and too caught up with many things which I also not quite sure what they are. But now since I am more settled down and got to have a lot of time for myself, I guess I am more ready for a relationship. Just need to stop thinking about the negativity of having a relationship. The lost of freedom, the lack of personal space and time, the questions from friends and family about that special someone, the phobia of AIDS/HIV... Silly me!

About looking for boyfriend/partner, I used to have a very high expectation. He must have great personality, great sense of humour, hunky, ok-looking if not good-looking, can have a great intellectual conversation with me... I was basically looking for Mr. Perfect! Not that I didn't realize my unreasonable and stupid expectation, sub-consciously I guess I was hoping the fairy-tales I saw on TV will become reality. And sometime when I re-examined myself, I painfully found that I am not not as good as I expected myself to be. So who am I to deserve the Mr Perfect I thought I wanted to be with? Then, I will stop looking and thought I should improve myself to be a better person first. Hahaha... come to think of it, I am quite stupid in a way!

Oh well, it's new year. I don't quite agree with "new year new beginning". In fact, everything keeps on going. It's just me that choose to change something along the way on this so-called special moment of time, known as the end of year 2009 and the begin of year 2010. Whatever it is, I hope from this point onwards, things are getting better and better, for you and for me.

Good Bye, 2009!

"Amazing Grace
How sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me..."

This song has been playing in my mind recently after watching a youtube clip about a choir singing this song in a church. The choral arrangement was superb by Eriks Esenvalds. It gives me goosebumps especially when the melody is transposed from one key to another. It really feels like I have been lifted by the song higher and higher.


It is the end of the year, how can I not write something here. Probably my last entry for the year 2009. Forget about reflection or new year resolution. I have had enough looking back dwelling into those bitter-sweet memories or looking forward to see what I want to achieve in the next year or years after that. The past few years I have learned that I tend to dream a lot but never seriously take any action into making my dreams come true. Or perhaps I dreamt too big. Always a greedy man who wants so much more than he actually deserves. I am destined to fail.

However, I would still like to write down something I want to remember. At least to conclude the year 2009 for my own.

The year 2009 started with me being very busy. Overwhelmed by works with new challenges. I remember I never really enjoyed my Chinese New Year. I was too caught up by the project in Pakistan. Although I had taken leave for CNY holiday, I did not really enjoy the holiday as I was too worry about my job.

Things got worse. Not only the pressure from work, the incompetent supervisor drove me crazy. I still remember the appraisal, which was the worst ever in my 3 years+ working experience. I also remember the conversation we had when he wanna check on me after hearing someone said I was over-stressed. Thinking about it make me laugh. Which is good. At least I can now laugh about it.

I guess two third of the year 2009 I was occupied with work and work and work only. Everything was about work. I hit the bottom ground when I felt nausea every morning when I woke up due to over-stressed. I remember I went to consult the doctor and he said my stomach produced too much acid. I have no idea over-stressed can cause stomach to produce so much acid until I feel like vomit. That's when I have the thought of giving up.

The term "Giving Up" is so negative then. I told my mom I could not take it anymore and that I wanted to resign. It's not easy to convince my mom that I should resign. For them, young people should not give up. We should overcome whatever challenges we faced. That's how we grow stronger and wiser. I couldn't agree more with her then. I even blamed myself for being so weak and fragile. And so I endured.At the end, I still gave up! Or to make it sound better, I resign to get a better job with better pay. And most importantly, to work for a better supervisor. :P

And so I joined the new company in September. Gosh my life changed totally, for the better, of course! Not only are those colleagues friendly and helpful, the team lead is great! I really enjoyed working there! I am motivated. My contribution is recognized and appreciated. I gained job satisfaction. Not only that, I no longer need to work like a cheap slave. I can leave office on time. Unlike last time, I think I worked at least 12 hours a day! Now, I work 8 hours only! And like any other colleagues, I got to work from home 2 days a week. Best!

I can really feel I am getting happier. Life is getting better and better since then. I think it can only gets better. After all, I had hit the bottom ground. I may have started the year 2009 with worries and hecticness, but I am surely ending the year with a smile on my face. If you ask me what I did in year 2009, I would say I make a very good decision : Resigned and found a new fantastic job!

"...I once was lost
But now I'm found
I was blind
But now I see..."

Keep On Singing My Song

I was watching the first few episodes of "The Vampire Diary" yesterday and already got addicted to the series. Not only because of the two hunky vampires, but also the storyline and one of the vampire write journal too. Just like how we write our entry and post it on our blog.

It was something about this girl, Elena, has said that make me wanna write this entry. Well, in the series, she has lost both her parents and still in the midst of getting over with the sadness and sorrow. I can't really recall the exact phrase that she said. But what I can remember was that she is trying to be happy but she also scared. Scared that for one moment when she is happy and suddenly one tragedic event will crash down everything.

I guess I can relate myself to that situation. Constantly living in fear and insecurities had made me the person I don't really want to be. Funny as it may sound. In fact, I know it's a matter of choice and taking action on to what you have chosen or determined to do. But I guess, consciously or subconsciously, I have chosen to let insecurities to control my level of happiness and to be who I really am.

I have hell lotsa people telling me I am being stupid and wasting my time. I listened and am pretty well-aware. Perhaps I have never tried enough. Or, it's always easier to say than to do. Never the less, I have to still keep on trying. Taking one step at a time. To do things at my own pace. To be more happy. To be more alive.

Don't get me wrong, though! I am pretty much happier than I was. It's just that deep down inside, there's always this piece of me, which generating this negative energy that sometime overtakes my mind. And I can't help, most of the time, to think back and see where I was from. As looking forward, it's unbearable for me to think about the insecurities and uncertainties that are lying ahead. It's way too easy for me to say "Come what may...". For sure, I am not saying it nonchalantly. Normally, after saying that, I'll just stop my mind from going further. Denial.

I think counting the blessings is what I need to do more often these days, especially at the end of the year.

Lost Concentration

I think I have lost my concentration. I am not sure since when, but it surely has been a long while.



I find myself very difficult to do thing. Even just one simple thing. For example today, I was trying to understand the codes in a program, at the same time I was thinking maybe I should try to finish my case study first. At the end, I only managed to study like 30% of the codes.

Later on, when I was trying to write some SQL queries (IT database term, you don't wanna know :P) to verify something, then I thought maybe I should study and practice on other thing to prepare myself for the coming training in the company. As a result, I need to ask my colleague to discuss with me on the SQL queries to keep myself focus on the SQL queries and not other thing.

And not only for work, when I was driving, I couldn't help myself trying to avoid to get into any car accident. Sometime when I drove over some stones or got into some holes on the road and it cause stupid noise on my car, I would panic and thought if I had drove over anyone or any animals. The I'll keep looking at the rear-view mirror to see if anything happened at the back while trying very hard to concentrate on the front. Sometime I even drove back to the place where I heard the noise just to reconfirm nothing happened. =_='''


At night before I sleep, when I was trying to read the novel, I would asked myself maybe I should go sleep already as tomorrow need to wake up early. Or maybe I should play some soothing music. Or maybe I should watch drama series instead. At the end, I only read a few pages and sleep.

I blame this on "multi-tasking"! Yep, I think I was over-multi-tasking. My brain couldn't stop running multiple processes concurrently. If only one process is running, it will auto trigger another available process to run so it won't waste resource and time. Unfortunately, my brain is not intelligent enough to estimate the resources required for a process to run. So when all processes are run concurrently and pulling all the resources (which in this case is my concentration), the whole system lag, and eventually hang! Deadlock! Whatever! At the end, everything stop! Like computer, at this point, it need to be rebooted. :P


Yup, I blame on multi-tasking too much last time. I gotta stop this. Else, I would achieve nothing.

p/s: While I was typing this entry, my mind was thinking about maybe I should just go google and search "How To Concentrate". Luckily I managed to finish this entry. :P

Heartache Tonight

I was at the Desa Park City Water Front Park shopping just now with my parents. And I saw him. And this time, he was with a girl. His hand was over her shoulder. They were walking towards my direction. I pretend to scratch my forehead to cover my face when they passed me by. I don't know why. What I do know is that I was disappointed, heartbroken and sad.



Deep in my heart, I really wish that girl is just her sister or something. But I am tired of guessing already. Too many maybes and whatifs . More than two years already. Everytime I see him, my heart would beat faster. He never fail to take my breath away.

I remember how I rushed to the KTM KL Sentral to catch the train hoping to stumble upon him in the train; I remember I stood behind him observing him while he was busy reading; I remember him in a polo shirt carrying a luggage not sure if he was going for a vacation; I remember I saw him in Pavilion carrying a bag looking for someone when I was having coffee in Starbuck with family; I also saw him in Desa Park City twice. Each and every time, he took my breath away.



I can't help laughing at my stupidity and craziness. I actually hoped and wished to have a chance to be with this guy (not knowing if he's gay or not) for fucking 2 years. And the funny thing was I never even fucking have the gut to go after him and ask him out! Stupid! Stupid kind of pursuit of happiness.


Haih... never mind. Wish him well. I need to get over this. Taking a deep breath, I need some good sentimental music to take me far far away from this reality... at least for tonight.

I was a boy

I was cleaning my room this afternoon when I found a piece of manuscript paper slipped in between my bags at the end of my bed. I took it out and realized that it was a poem written on that paper. Not sure if it was written by me or I copied from somewhere. But definitely long long time ago. Else I would have remembered if the poem was written by me or not.



Since I normally will post those poems I wrote on the internet (in my blog, friendster, facebook etc), I then went online to search those sites to clarify if it was a poem written by myself. After surfing through some sites, I actually stopped at one of my old blog and found an entry which brought me back to one of those days when I was crazily in love with a friend (Yes, straight and now married).

We used to text each other so often that some times I thought we were, you know, in a relationship. Hahahaha... We text about anything. I remember I was in a park and saw a turtle swimming in the pool, and I just sms him and saying that I saw that turtle and it maks me feel great. And I remember some time, we will just sms each other just to greet good night before we head to bed. Little did I know, to him, it was just merely a good gesture to a very good friend. Obviously I thought it was different.

So sometime, when I messaged him and he never replied, I would feel terrible. Wondering what happened and what went wrong. He got tired of me or he didn't receive my sms. Then I would need to scold myself that he has no obligation to reply my sms. And sometime he replied late either he was busy or his phone was running out of credit. But I remember those days. Looking back, I find myself so innocent and naive that I can't help laughing at my stupidity.

Well, there was this one time when I did not receive sms from him and I used to recite this poem written by Tagore to console myself :

If thou speakest not
I will fill my heart with thy silence and endure it.
I will keep still and wait like the night
with starry vigil and its head bent low with patience.
The morning will surely come, the darkness will vanish,
and thy voice pour down in golden streams
breaking through the sky.
Then thy words will take wings in songs
from every one of my birds' nests,
and thy melodies will break forth in flowers
in all my forest groves.

~ Rabindranath Tagore

It was actually a very beautiful poem. Who knows how long I reread this poem within my heart while waiting to receive his sms, or never did. Hahaha... It was one of those days, that I thought I was deeply in love, but only on my own.


Hahaha... what a naive young boy I was!

I AM THE MAN

Yesterday I felt like "I AM THE MAN!!"


I am not talking about being dominant or being top in bed, you pervert! I am talking about being a person who people can count on to and depend on. Maybe I am still not putting the words right. Anyway, that doesn't matter! The point is, I felt like "I AM THE MAN!" Hahaha...

So what happened?

In the morning, I made myself baked butter cake for the family. I basically forced myself. :P You see, I am a very lazy person! Baking a cake is very tedious! Imagine the flour, the sugar the eggs! I would've messed up the whole kitchen! Anyway, I managed to drag myself out of the bedroom and start baking a cake! And yes, I made it!

However, I didn't get to try my 'product' until today afternoon during tea time. And guess what?! It was not as tasty as I expect! Very dry and tasteless. Must be not enough sugar! And I blame the poor quality flour! Bwahahaha...

Anyway, my family still 'bagi muka' (tolerate) and finished one of the whole cake. Now only left another half. I guess they are just too hungry that they do not mind eating this poor quality cake. As for me, I eat only two slices and complaint like hell! Cannot! Must try to bake another time!

Then in the evening, I went shopping with the family. I had promised my sister to buy her a dress for her coming ROM. Yes, she is getting married soon. Gonna register next week and I think the wedding will be held 2 years later. :P We went to a shop. Forgot the name! And we chose some white dresses to let sister to try. Hmm... I think she tried 5 or 6 dresses. Then we finally decide to buy the one that we like most. A classic white dress with lace. And my sister looks elegantly gorgeous in it! Spent a few hundreds for the dress plus the white scarf!

Imagine when I took out my credit card from my wallet and passed it to the cashier, letting her swipe the card! Urgh...! I can feel my wallet is bleeding! Hahaha... The cashier even made me sign! Urgh! But come to think of it, it's for my sister! I should be glad! And yes, the sister was totally delighted. She even planted a kiss on my cheek for that gorgeous white dress! I bet the husband was jealous! Wakaka...


After that we went to have dinner in a Japanese Restaurant! The sister's future husband 'belanja'! Yay!

We later went to buy TV. Yes, the TV at home got burned yesterday. Actually that TV had been used for more than 10 years. And through out the years, daddy had sent it for repair a few times already. So I guess it is time to change a new one. Beside, the brother had been urging me to buy a new LCD TV. He said, with LCD TV, we can watch those movies we downloaded from the internet. But I know he wants to have the LCD TV so that he can play his games on the big wide screen!

Anyway, since the TV got burned, I guess it's fate that we need a new TV for home. So we walk into the shop (again forgot what name, BEST something...) and were amazed by those TVs on display. I have to admit I know nothing about TV. So, I let the brother and sister's beau to pick one. They finally pointed to the Panasonic 42" plasma TV. Alright, after telling the promoter our selected TV, I went to the cashier counter, took out my credit card again and let the cashier swipe! Urgh, again, wallet bleeding! But this one I am gonna pay by instalment! I am not that rich yet! :P

I was being consoled with the free gifts : A panasonic digital camera, a 2GB SD ram and also a RM300 voucher. I directly request to deduct the RM300 for the TV we bought and luckily it's acceptable! :D So the TV is cheaper by RM300. Yay!

Living for 20 over years, this is the first time, I ever bought such expensive stuff. And it is for the family. I feel proud! Walking out of the shop, I held my mom's hand, asking her happy or not! Of course, she said yes!

When we got home, the brother and the sister's future husband were busying installing the TV. Once done, the whole family sitting in the living enjoying the Astro with the newly-bought plasma TV. At that moment, I feel so contend. I feel very thankful! Daddy must have been proud of me as well! Finally, I can contribute something to my home.



Most importantly, I feel like "I AM THE MAN!!"

Working in the Faraway Land

It used to be a deserted place. So isolated and neglected. But I spent four years of tertiary education in this place called Cyberjaya. Little did I know then that, someday, I will be back here to work.

Yeah, in case you do not know, I have been working in Cyberjaya for 1 month now. The company has bought a new office in this place just because of the MSC status. Yeah, whatever! :P So How was it working there? Gosh you have no idea how many times I have been asked this question. Anyway, I will still give you this simple answer:

"It's ok. Nothing interesting!"

I mean, you still need to work. So working in KL or in Cyberjaya, it is almost the same to me. Cause eventually, I still get to come home and be with the family. Of course, if you really wants to know the pros and cons, well there are some advantages and disadvantages.

Let's talk about the advantages first:

Allowance
Yeah, traveling from my house to Cyberjaya is quite a distance. So the company does give us some extra allowance. Not much though. But good enough to cover the petrol and toll fees.

Shorter Working hour
I can come in office late. Yeah, when I was in KL, I need to start work at 9am. But in Cyberjaya, I can come in office at 10am. Well, the boss said we should avoid the traffic congestion. So he allows us to be in office before 10am. With that, we can only leave the office at 7pm. So our working hour has changed from 9am-6pm to 10am - 7pm. Why did I say shorter working hour? Because when I was working in KL, I normally worked till 9pm. But when I am working in Cyberjaya, I need to leave before 8:30pm. The office will close and the man with the key will chase you out. So normally I left office at 7:30pm. So it's actually shorter working hours.

Free lunch/ dinner
The company actually hired too aunties to prepare lunch for us. Yeah pretty good right? So we can save our money and enjoy home-cook meal. And guess what, the food they provide are great. At least I enjoy the food. They are tasty and delicious. And sometime, the aunties even provide dinner. In fact, most of the time, the aunties cook dinner for the staff. They thought they should cook for us knowing that we got to work late and by the time we reached home, it'll be very late and we might be too starved. How sweet?!

So what's the disadvantages?

Need to car pool
Yes, the company is not that stupid. The extra allowance will only give to the driver. So employees from one area will need to car pool to go to work. If every employee drive their own car, then the company will need to give everyone allowance. To cut down the cost, the company actually make us car pool to go to work in Cyberjaya. And when you need to car pool, then you'll need to compromise with everyone in the same car. If I finish early, I'll have to wait for everyone in the same car to finish their work, then only we can go home. If you have some extra activities after work, you'll need to be get home first before you can go out again. Worst case happen to me was I planned to have dinner with friends one day, but then one of the colleague hadn't finish his work. So we all need to wait for him and my dinner date got cancelled as it was getting a bit too late. >.< All day in the office.
Yes, we have free lunch and dinner. You think it's great right?! Come to think of it, that means you do not need to go out to eat. During lunch time we will all go to the pantry and eat. After that, we will get back to our seat and continue work. Yes, that boring! Oh yes, you can relax awhile, go and read newspaper or even do your own thing to relax. But looking or knowing that everyone get back to their seat and work, you'll feel uncomfortable to access to facebook or read news.

Still less personal time
You thought shorter working hours means more personal time? You are so wrong. Most of our time wasted on waiting each other and the journey to and from the office. During that 45 minutes journey, you'll still need to talk to your colleagues who are in the same car. Of course we no need to work. We can even gripe and complain to each other about how stressful and how busy we are... bla bla bla... by the time we reached home, it'll still be 9pm or something. And then by the time you take your shower and stuff, it'll be 10pm. Then facebook awhile, and you'll feel tired and sleepy. By 12am, I'll be sleeping. And tomorrow will repeat the same whole thing. So each day is work, work and work. No social life, no shopping, no movies night out.

"Wake up and get a life, dammit!"

I don't have a life. Yeah, my life basically is all about work, work and work. And my mind can only think about work, work and work. I get it now. I don't have a life. And when I am not enjoying my work, I don't enjoy my life. No wonder!!!

Hmm... no worries! This kind of life is gonna come to an end soon. Then I can start a new life and adopt a new lifestyle. I'll just need to endure for a few more weeks!

The Letter

It was not a normal Friday.

Early morning I went in to the office, telling myself:"This is it! I'm gonna do it today!" Then I was thinking about if I should do it early morning or later before I leave the office. I chose the latter. So since morning, I told myself to be calm and steady. I have made the decision and it should be the best decision for me for now.

Clock's ticking. While I was worrying what and how it would be, lunch time suddenly arrived and I went to have lunch with a few colleagues. Pretending it is a normal Friday afternoon, we chatted and talked about how crazy our works can be and how busy we will be in the coming months. It's as if we have nothing more to talk about. How shameful!

After lunch, we went back to the office. Once I sat down in my seat, I could not concentrate. My mind was thinking about the "how should I do it" and "what it will be". But I forced myself to do something. Even simple thing like drawing some diagrams and write some notes here and there.

The letter has been printed out earlier in the morning. It's hidden in the drawer under my table. Occasionally, I took it out and read again. Fearing I might have mis-spelled or written something stupid. But the letter is fine. It's written one month ago. But I updated the date. So it is fine. It should be fine.

I put it back into the drawer and waited again.

Trying to get my attention away from the how and what, I put on my headphone and listen to some music. It did help a bit. I continued working and chatting with colleagues and friends online.

And then the time has come. I took out the letter fold it, took a very deep breath, stood up and walked towards to my supervisor.

Me: Hi, can I have a minute with you!
Supervisor: Yeah sure. Hold on, let me finish reading this email.

I took a seat and waited for him. When he's done he looked at me.

Supervisor: Yeah, so what's it?
Me: I have really thought through it and I am going to resign.

I handed over the letter to him. I could see my hand trembling!

We had around 1 and a half hour conversation after that. But that didn't make me change my mind though. I am glad it turned out to be ok. No nasty fight or awkward situation arose. Though he did throw me with some challenging questions trying to make me feel that I need to re-consider my decision. But I guess I had already made the final decision for myself.

I actually felt relieved. It's like after a long time, I have finally done something which I feel is right. At least at that moment, I could feel that I have actually achieved something.

So I did it. What's done, is done. No time for regret now. Not sure how the future will be, but I can actually feel that I am walking out of the darkness and I am seeing the future with a heart full of hopes...

To Change Or Not To Change (Part 2)

After more than a half year, I actually ask myself this question again : To change or not to change? Last year end, I post an entry asking myself the same question. I was bored then with the job and have the sudden thought of getting away from the company and explore new opportunities. And now, I asked myself the same question again because I was so stressed for the past few weeks that it affects my health. As I mentioned in my previous post, wanting to make a change, I actually applied for a new job in a few companies and went for several interviews.
Been to three companies for technical test and interviews. As at now, two companies actually offered me a position in their company. One is in Subang and another one is in Tropicana. After much consideration, I kindly declined the offer from the company in Subang. Now I am still considering this company in Tropicana.

The package offered is fairly interesting. But I need to work shift every two weeks from 4pm to 1am to provide support to foreign countries. Though I got to work from home during that two weeks and there will be additional allowance for working shift, I am not sure if I will ever enjoy that kind of working lifestyle. Yes, I will get the flexibility of time where I can enjoy spending time with my parents during the day where I no need to work, but I'll have to be working from 4pm to 1am when all my friends will be resting and perhaps partying after their working hours.

My another concern would be working from home. I don't think I am that discipline. Working from home has never been a good idea for me. Too many distraction at home. Watching TV, the bed, the piano, the books, the porn, the whole lot of things can distract me from work! Unless I am a very discipline person where I can concentrate on working and not distracted by other thing. It'll be just IMPOSSIBLE!

OK, I don't know about that, but that's what I think. And it would be a risk to give up my current job and give this new one a try!

My other concern would be whether I am technically strong enough to work for this company. They are using this new java technology which I hardly has any experience of using it. And during the interview, there's a lot of questions asked by the interviewer that I could not answer. Surprisingly the next day, the HR staff of the company called me and say they are going to offer me the position applied. What the... She said I did not fail the technical test and also commented that I have no problem in communicating so I am a good candidate to provide support to customers in foreign countries.

Oh well, good in communicating does not mean that I am good in providing support technically! >.<
So if I were to join this company, I'll have to improve a hell lot technically. I was told that there will be a team lead to guide me. But I wonder how will the team lead guide me if I were to be working from home for the two weeks? Meaning to say, the team lead will also work from home and we will be communicating through internet?

And then what would be my future career? Working as a programmer and developer, will I ever got a chance to be in management? Where will I ever want to be? I still not sure!

Looking back at my current company, what I don't like is their management. And the supervisor, I just can't get enough of complaining about him. His management, his indecisiveness, his ever changing and unclear instructions... all that jazz are driving me crazy. But I now have two more members to work with me. Although they have not yet realize how frustrating to work on this project and to work under this supervisor, I guess sooner or later they will experience whatever I have experienced.

Another thing I don't like about my current company is that we are gonna use some old ancient programming language to develop a system, which is not good for me if I were to plan to excel in the programming world.

Reason for me to stay would be the colleagues, whom I started to enjoy working with though some of them also very frustrated with this project. Another reason would be the two new team members who are under my guidance and supervision. I pity them. Why? First, they are gonna do something they don't like to do. Second, a lot of things they don't know, and I cannot provide the answers. Because me myself also unsure. I am not ready to be the team lead yet. Not in such a big project. I am lack of business knowledge and technically I am not that strong. Me myself need a senior to guide me. And obviously, the current supervisor, is not a good senior.

What other good would it be to stay in this company? I am being trained to be a business analyst. Will I ever be a good business analyst? I doubt so. Why? Because I am not properly trained. I am just thrown with a piece of assignment and the what, where, when, how and which will have to figure out by myself. And the funny thing is, whatever I submitted are not reviewed by my supervisor. How will I ever know whether I am right or wrong? How can I ever improved?

Sigh.

But I have bee working in this company for almost four years. I have got used to a lot of things. Colleagues, the admin, the working style and all other small small matters... the thought of adapting into a new environment also can be scary. Not sure how the colleagues in the new company will be. Are they as friendly as the colleague I have now? How will the working environment be? Will the team lead as bad as my current supervisor? All these uncertainties are also driving me insane.

To change or not to change, I really need more time to consider.

Shake It Off

Like a bird failing to control its wing, I'm falling down and down and down... and I hope by now, I have reached the ground. And here I am, still standing, after going through depression, the numbness, the every morning vomit session, the hatred, the anxiety, the unsatisfactory, the anger and even the disappointment or despair...

And I remember someone said: After the storm, eventually, the rainbow will appear.

I still believe in that. But I am not experiencing it yet. Maybe the storm is not over yet? I don't know. One thing I do know is that I am tired of everything already. Even tired of trying to change. So I practiced the "Don't care about anything" attitude for quite awhile now, which made me hate myself even more, and yet I managed to convince myself that it is ok to act this way. I can be a bitch!

Last whole week I have no idea what I have been doing in the office. Hardly deliver anything. As if I care. I still did not see any sign of the supervisor reviewing my document. Never mind. If he didn't ask anything or comment anything, I'll assume everything is alright. Last minute want to change, then I'll take my own sweet time to change.

Hating about this current job, I actually went job hunting. So Saturday morning, I went for a second interview with a company in Subang. And guess what? I have been offered the job! But I am still considering whether to accept the job offer. And then that Saturday afternoon, I chatted with a colleague and we griped for hours together about how we hate about the current situation and all that jazz.

And I enjoyed my weekend never thinking about my job or whatever need to be done. I manage to browse the youtube and came across this following hot hot clips:



HOT ASS! HOT ASS! HOT ASS!



That is so fucking HOT! SEXY! And STIMULATING!

Today, I am on leave. Morning went for another job interview. Though the company is a US-based company, probably has better welfare, but after the interview, I don't find myself suitable to work there. Never mind. Not really into it though.

After attending four interviews with three companies, I actually know myself better. What I want, what I am good at, what I am looking for in a job and what I really good at and not good at... all become so obvious that I suddenly feel like I am re-learning my own-self.

And then I re-look into my current job situation. Yeah, it is still bad with the same problems and undone jobs. But I guess it would be the same to have to struggle in a new company and to stay in this company to learn new things. Perhaps staying in the current company has more advantages as I have colleagues who I know well to work with (even though the not-so-good supervisor will still be driving me crazy).

Tomorrow onwards, I'll be working in a new office in Cyberjaya. Bye Bye to KL the happening city. I am still working in the same company though. Just that will be working in the office in Cyberjaya. Perhaps it is a good thing. New office new environment. Maybe I should take this chance to start everything anew.

For all those bad experience and negativity, I'll have to just shake it off!

These Days

I was sleepy this morning. For the past few weeks, I have been feeling restless and weak. I guess all these are expected. Waking up in fear until I feel nausea. So nausea that I actually vomit, though nothing come out from my mouth. I actually took one day off and went to consult the doctor. The doctor said I am over-stressed. So stressed up that my stomach produces too much acid which caused me to feel nausea and wanna vomit. Just great! He gave me some medicine to reduce the production of acid in my stomach. Those pills make me sleepy! Hate it!

~~~~~~~~~~xxx~~~~~~~~~~

There was one morning I was walking from the car park to my office. There were two colleagues standing at the lobby going out somewhere to meet customer. One of them saw me and said:"Why you look like a zombie?! You even walk like a zombie!"

"Oh really? Sorry I took some medicines and feeling sleepy now." I walked off nonchalantly.

~~~~~~~~~~xxx~~~~~~~~~~

There was this afternoon during lunch time, I was feeling weak and again stressful. Everybody happily chit-chatting with each other. I sat aside listening to their stories trying to fit in. Eventually I felt tired and rest my head on the table to take a nap. In the restaurant, yes!

~~~~~~~~~~xxx~~~~~~~~~~

My appraisal last week did not go well. I don't think I have a good increment this year. A few things that I remember during my appraisal:

Supervisor : So what do you feel about joining this new project?
Me : I am not enjoying.
Supervisor : Why?
Me : Well, I feel that I have had too much things to handle and the workloads are over-whelming. I feel stressful and I think that I cannot cope. There are too many things that I need to know and yet after all these months, I feel like I know nothing.
Supervisor : Well, I understand there are many things to learn. Just take one step at a time. This is a learning process. It will be challenging. Just learn whatever you can and as time goes by, you'll be able to bring all the pieces together.
Me : But I lost my motivation already. And I don't think I am interested in doing whatever I need to do already.
Supervisor : Motivation? Well it's up to you. You like to read, right? Maybe you can find some motivational book to read? Or go for a motivational talk or seminar to be motivated. Or you can sing or do whatever you like.
Me : Okay. But I don't think I am interested in doing this work. When I am not interested, there's no motivation. Eventually, I couldn't get the job satisfaction I need.
Supervisor : What do you mean you are not interested? Well, it's curiosity. Don't you curious how certain thing works or processed? When people ask you about this processing and you can answer, don't you feel proud?
Me : Not really lo. I don't see it that way.
Supervisor : Well, maybe you are an art person la. Like to sing, play piano. But since you can be good in technical also, I think it will be an advantage for you to have an extra skill-set.
Me : Yeah, maybe.

~~~~~~~~~~xxx~~~~~~~~~~

Today afternoon after lunch time, the supervisor suddenly asked me to go into his room.

Me : Yes, anything?
Supervisor : Somebody told me that you are very stressed.
Me : Yes, I am! I thought I told you during appraisal.
Supervisor : Don't be stressed lo! Try to release stress by taking one or two days off. To clear your mind and refresh yourself.
Me : I tried. In fact I applied one day leave last week Monday but I canceled it last minute. Because I cannot stay put at home. I keep on thinking about how to solve the problem and I cannot rest at home. I could not even enjoy my weekend. I even come to office and work during the weekend because I cannot settle down at home. I worried I cannot finish the job on time. And I have spent 2 weeks on solving this problem. And I am still having no idea how to solve.
Supervisor : OK, maybe you can call that person to help you out a little. I am not sure if he knows. But you can try call him up. At least he can give you some ideas. But don't stress lo. Remember to do small but grow big. Start doing the small thing first, then slowly slowly expand lo.
Me : Yes, that's what I did now. I am trying to solve this small thing for 2 weeks and still no output. How?! I could not even bring myself to think about what else need to be done after this. Because I know I would be stressed up again.
Supervisor : OK, no worry! I'll help you to look into it later. But don't stress up lo. When you stress you can do nothing.
Me : Yeah I know. I am trying to cope with my stress.

~~~~~~~~~~xxx~~~~~~~~~~

Last Sunday night I drank vodka at home while online chatting with some friends. I was so high that I kept on laughing which chatting. And talk something stupid shit like "I love my job so much!", "I like my supervisor! He is very capable and handsome!", "I want to smile whole day1", "I am living in heaven!"... All my friends think I was so over-stressed that I talked non-sense!

The next day Monday, I also have the same behaviour when chatting online. Asking people to "Yam Seng!!" with me! Hahahaha... I actually feel happier, even though I know I am acting crazy. I mean, I pretend to be "high and happy", better than being down and out.

~~~~~~~~~~xxx~~~~~~~~~~

Life Goes On

Another emo-post this will be.

As much as I hate about me being cynical and forever-complaining kind of person, I still have to write this down to at least pour out the negative energies I have within myself.

Life, especially working life has not been treating well these days. In fact, for quite a long time. It started with the hatred towards the project I am working on and of course the supervisor who had given me a lot more burden and stresses which basically brought me to a nervous breakdown recently.

And now even seeing his face, or even hearing his voice from afar would make me feel sick and stressed out. Enough about him. Don't even wanna think about him.

So last week, I had a vervous breakdown. Luckily I did not pull out the knife and cut my wrist to commit suicide or something like that. Committing suicide has always been considered a stupid act in my mind. I mean life is precious and it is stupid to kill it just for the current tormenting period. However, I still need to go through such tragedic period of my life. I know I can choose to go through it with a happy heart instead of griping and griping endlessly. Unfortunately, it is just too difficult when everything just doesn't go your way every minute, every second.

Realizing that I have not been happy and under great amount of stresses since early this year, I guess I have come to a stage where I really cannot take it anymore. So the thought of resignation appearred in my mind. Yeah, that's it! I have had enough and I need to make some changes. If resigning will ever make me happier, that's all I will do. So on that one particular night, I actually thought about resigning and how that whole thing will lead me too. And to think about what job I will have after this actually make me feel calmer and hopeful. I guess it's because I no need to think about my work and for one moment, those burden and stresses have been taken off my shoulder, and I could actually feel peace within myself.

Sadly, the next day I woke up and I still have to go through all the traumas and unfortunate events of my life. And it was a DISASTER!

Not wanting to rush into the decision of quitting this job and run away from challenges, I basically endured for last few days of my stay in pakistan until I go back to pakistan to discuss it with my family. I was too heat up with the thought of this project which leading me to depression. This supervisor was not good in supervising. Other than blaming the exterior factor that brought me so much miseries, I also blamed myself for being such dumb and useless person who knows nothing much about banking system. It's because the lack of knowledge and experience, I need to struggle to learn and understand the whole thing while documenting some processes which I can hardly understand.

In addition, writing meeting minutes was also a very challenging task for me because I could hardly understand what they were discussing. Part of it of course was because of the limited business knowledge I am possessing. Another part is because the users spoke in Urdu languange among themselves. Amazingly, my supervisor could guess what they were talking about (because he know those business terms they used) and I was left there knowing nothing at all what was going on. So everyday I went back to my accomodation, I always have hard time writing minutes. And I always have to spend hours to figure out myself to at least come out with something to be written in the meeting minutes and send to my supervisor for review.

I guess these whole things make me feel worse about myself. Of course, I could hardly get any job satisfaction.

So after back in Malaysia, I spent some times talking with mom and senior friends. Some said I should stay, some said just hop to another company. Ultimately, it's up to me to make the decision. Knowing the current situation out there, I should stay in this company and continue working on this project. But my instinct told me to move on to another company. Gosh, where does this instinct even coming from?!

But I feel better when I am in Malaysia. Maybe there are friends and family here which keep me company and I will always have someone to talk to. However, I lost my passion in working. I used to be afraid of going to office. Every morning I'll fear for the challenges that I need to face everyday. But now, I don't give a damn anymore. It's like every morning, though I hate the fact I still need to go office and face whatever I need to face, I basically have no fear, no interest, no motivation or what-so-ever. I just go to office with the thought of leaving this company soon. Even though deep down inside I know I won't simply resign, having the thought of leaving this company soon give me a sense of peacefulness and hopes. So I still go to office.

But I am no longer that cheerful and motivated person I used to be. My can basically feel my face without smile. I guess my colleagues and even the supervisor noticed that I am not happy. But I don't fucking give a damn. I know this is not good. Showing your true emotion and unmotivated attitude doesn't help you add points in your performance. But I just don't care anymore. I was hurt, indirectly. I was badly injured, mentally. And I had been 'altered'.

I am so unhappy that I don't even look at my supervisor in the eyes. And today, for a long long time, I leave the office at 6:15pm (I normally worked till 8pm or later). I never asked the supervisor if there's anything that I need to do or attend to. And he saw me walking out of the door. I just don't give a fucking damn.

Amazingly, I don't hate myself for being a jerk. And when I reached home, my parents were shocked I got home so early. They just welcomed me home and I had dinner with them. Again, it has been such a long time since I last had dinner with them. Guess this is what I really wanted. To be able to come home and have dinner with family. Spend some times with them and enjoy your personal time at home.

Though tomorrow will never die, at least I know what I want in life and will make some efforts to achieve it. Now it's still early to say anything. I'll take one step at a time. I need time to cool off myself and also find back my motivation to work. Life goes on. And I need to go on too...

Ain't Misbehaving

One week spent in Karachi. Another week to go. Taking a deep breath, I should endure for another week. Hopefully the time will fly even faster for this coming days! You know, I felt like I am taking a long deep breath before I drown into the deep ocean to find something, before I can re-surface to catch another breath of fresh air. That will be when I am back in Malaysia.

In my previous post, I was happy. But as expected, situation get worse when the real work get started. However, I managed to cope. And as I have expected what is coming, I am more prepared. So I was not hurt that badly. Though yesterday I almost couldn't take it and would want to breakdown and just cry my heart out. Fortunately, I managed to chat with some of my friends over the internet and I found some comforts there. At least, I have someone to talk to and to pour out the negative feelings and energies out of me. And yes, I felt better after that. Friends are so important when we are in need.

And I felt blessed actually to be able to talk to them. Normally I won't have the opportunity to talk to them when I am in Pakistan. Why?

Well, yesterday is special. There was a riot in Karachi city yesterday and more than 30 people were killed and more people were seriously injured - Bad Time! Hence, we were asked to leave the office and go back to the hotel and stay there until further notice - Good Time! Well, we still need to work in the hotel (apparently there's a meeting room in the hotel which we can use to work), but I had the internet access to chat with my friends there. You probably might wonder why couldn't I chat over the internet in the office. Because the stupid office do not have internet access. Stupid! Even if they have, I won't have time to chat. I will be in the meeting listening and taking minutes. If not meeting, I will be busy writing documents. So yesterday was special.

And actually I felt really stressed up yesterday morning. Since early morning the supervisor was pouring me with tonnes of workloads that I should finish this up by this date and settle that one by that date. Great! And I was not feeling well, actually. The feelings of over-stressed hit me again, till I felt tensed and nausea. Then the news of riot arrived, and we were still in the meeting which was held for four fucking hours! After the meeting, we immediately head back to our hotel and settled there.

That's when I saw a few friends online and started to chat with them with my supervisor sitting in front of me. Ah, as if I care! So we were exchanging our traumatic experiences working overseas (I also have colleagues who are working in another country), and start cursing and griping and complaining! Hahaha... I started to realize I used a lot of bad words when talking to them. We were so stressed and felt that we are treated unfairly that we need to curse with those vulgar words. As if by saying those words, the negativity within us will be pulled out. And yes, we felt better indeed after that. We sounded crazy but we understood why we behave in a way that we should not behave. We were "unbalance"! Simple as that!

The fun part was I was cursing and cursing in front of the supervisor and he didn't know anything. Bwahahaha... I was basically "front-stabing"! Who said I am kind and innocent?

I know I know. Cursing and griping is fucking annoying! But if that's how I will feel better and at least feel less stress and less tensed, that's what I am gonna do. Until I find a better way to release my stresses and tensions.

For I am officially a fucked-up man, who you don't want to mess up with!