Tuesday, July 17, 2007

The Pursuit of Happiness

I thought it's gonna be easy, but nope, it's not easy. And I wonder when will I get to know him.

After failing to approach him yesterday, today I tried again. Rushed out of my office right on time ignoring the questioning stares of the staff in the office (as if I am committing a very serious crime) and squeezed in the monorail to get to KL Sentral. Just to have another chance to stumble upon him at the same place, same time. I was a little bit earlier than usual today. I went to the bookstore and bought a magazine - NEW ICON (English Edition).

After that, I waited at the same platform, while reading the magazine non-attentive-ly. Constantly looking at my left and right hoping to see that he's there already. Yes, he did appear. Wearing white with vertical brown stripe shirt. And he's not alone this time. He's with another ...... lady. Yes, is a lady. They were standing pretty far from me.

The train arrived. We got on board from the different door but we're in the same bunk. From a far, I could see the lady. Nice and pretty. Not much conversation between them. He just asked a few question. And nodding sometimes in agreement. And for the first time, I saw him smile. Another great sight! I am thankful.

Another beautiful sight...

I thought a lot in the train. I could not help but observing, analyzing and trying figure out who is that lady and their relationship : colleagues? old friends? sibling? or girlfriend? I could feel my negative feeling of jealousy has arisen within myself. And then suddenly the feeling of disappointment sneaked in. I took a deep breath and let it eats me up from inside. And then I gave up. The train reached my destination and I walked passed him and walked out of the train.

Again, I have to walk home. Feeling down and low, I took my time to slowly walk back home.

Goodbye, my love...

I thought about a lot of things.

Love is really amazing. It brings me strength and I'd done something I wouldn't do before. Stalking for example. And I wouldn't rushed out of office on time and I wouldn't squeeze in the monorail and took KTM last time. I'd rather waited till 7pm or 8pm or go to gym first and take a taxi home instead. But no, I put myself through all those hassles to be there at KL Sentral just to have a glance of that beautiful angel of mine.

Being gay is disheartening. Many times I have rehearsed in my mind that I am gonna be brave and walk up to him and say Hi, or whatever. I never did. It's not as easy as a guy walk up to a girl and say Hi. It is strange to walk up to a stranger and say Hi in the KL Sentral. He would've thought I am a crazy maniac, a weird stalker or even a robber who were trying to attack him. Beside, I really do not know what to talk about. I wonder, who would ever talk to a stranger in KL Sentral?

Walking, I looked up into the sky, perhaps the timing is not right yet. Or perhaps, he's not mine. I still coulnd't figure out his sexual orientation. I don't wanna waste my time. Suddenly I realised picking up a guy in gay bar/clubs seems a lot more easier as there's no doubt that those guys are gay. But no, I don't wanna meet up anyone there...

No, I still don't wanna go there.

And then I thought I have had enough. I've put too much effort on this matter. Having him popping up in my mind all this while doesn't really help. It somehow affect my performance in the office and my life. Yes, that's how powerful love can be. Perhaps I should not let myself fall too deep into the river of love. Perhaps it is good enough to finally see someone you really like. Perhaps it is good enough to know the feeling of Love at first sight even though never have the chance to know each other and become lovers. Perhaps, this is all good enough.

Deep in my heart, I pray for him. May my prayers for him reach him and my love for him will bless him with good health and successful life. I am not giving up. But I am not gonna push myself too hard. I'll move on with my life. And hopefully someday, he'll be in my life and not a passer-by.

Is he just a passer-by?

Still walking on the road, I felt warm when I saw my home. I walked a little faster. And I reached the front door. I pressed the bell... Mommy opened the door and she was delighted to see me.

I am home.

5 comments:

Janvier said...

Take care, try to keep yer spirits up. S'not easy really, you'll never know where and when you'll be smitten again.

Sam said...

A very touching and beautiful post. I love this one. But like Janvier says, you'll never know what comes next - so keep your chin up and smile. He may be there when you least expected it. *hugs*

Ah-Bong said...

crushes sucks. that's all i'll say. but hey, cheerio for u u made some effort in finding out. :D
someday u'll find ur effort fruitful, and i'll be reading that someday too. good luck!

Jason said...

That sounds really beautiful and true. And you're not alone, I would have did the same thing as you.

coolgardy said...

Very sweet, this is the best post, even though a bit late, I've ever read from you...:)