I hardly slept last night. Yeah, I didn't know why. Not that I had an afternoon nap earlier. I was basically working in the Sunday afternoon and yet during the night, I did not fall into sleep as easily as I thought I could.
Gosh, I can't sleep tonight!
I thought maybe it was the weather, so HOT and Stuffy! I am so gonna install an air-cond in my bedroom. Sleeping while sweating is just so not what I want. Besides, wearing singlet and boxer didn't help much. I also have to open my legs wide to allow some air to go between my crotch so that my "little dicky-docky" didn't get suffocated and died.
Ah, no matter how hard I tried to sleep, I finally gave in when I found myself needed to go to the toilet and pee. So I got myself up from bed, went to pee and surf net. By then I realized it was already 4am. Damn, a few more hours and I should be getting ready to go to work. Since I wasn't feeling really exhausted and sleepy, so I thought I should update my blog. Thus the previous post was created. Finished writing it at about 5am and I tried to sleep again. I guess I did sleep a little until 7:30am I woke up again to get myself ready to go to work.
Pee? Or wank? Or Pee? No, wank?!
Surprisingly, I didn't feel any worse than other normal day. Just a little sleepy and a little tired. Or maybe I have got used to this tiredness? But to continue having sleepless nights is not an option for me. I know if my body ring an alarm, I am gonna collapse and that require a few days for me to recover to my normal self.
I told my one of my colleague about my sleepless night and he said perhaps I was too stressed up. He experience the same thing before when he had so many works that his brain keep on processing and couldn't seem to stop. That's why we have problem sleeping. Perhaps he's right?! It's funny when I told Alexander about my sleepless night last night, he said I should wank before I sleep. That was hilarious! But honestly we tend to fall into sleep easier after masturbation. I have tried that before. Not sure exactly why. But it works for me. Perhaps that's another reason why having sex is good for health. Because you will have a better quality sleep?! I guess so.
Wanna have a good time before we sleep, honey?!
Anyway, I have to sleep now. And no, I did not wank today! It's too late! :P
Suddenly I missed the feelings of being hugged. Hug can be such intimate feelings between two persons and brings a lot of comforts. From mother's hugs, friends' hugs to lover's hugs, each have their own intention and expression.
Hug me tight, yeah!
I remember the last time I gave a hug was to my aunt who has just lost her husband last week. Even though she seemed to be strong, we all knew she was devastated. So during the funeral I couldn't help but giving her a big tight hug just to let her know that we will be there for her and that we'll support her in every possible ways.
And then there was this memorable hug from a friend when I was in university. Gosh, now I wonder why I didn't mention about him in my blog. He used to be my crush in university. Well, he's an Irish+Malay mixed and he look more like an Irish man. And you do know I am a potato queen. :P. And he has this special accent that turned me so on whenever he speaks and I could just stare and listen to him talking all day long.
Mind you, he is not that good-looking, or maybe because he didn't really groom well. Having McDonald's kinda hair style (yeah, or you would prefer calling it maggie-mee hair?) and wearing baggie pant and that same-old t-shirt. To me, he's that kinda of fella who doesn't groom-up. But the thing is, he's popular. He really knows how to talk. And yeah, talking craps was his talent and he was so good that he could talk until the cows come home. And did I mention he was SO freaking humorous?
Anyway, he used to be one of my best mate in university. How we became best mate? I'll save it for another post. The thing is, he gave me a memorable hug during university life. It was "mooncake" festival and I guess all Chinese students had organized some events to celebrate the festival. And of course, some students just prefered to have it their own way like calling a few best mates and do a small gathering. Playing candles, eating moon-cakes and chit-chat about anything and have a good laughs. Yeah we did that. And since we had some extra moon-cakes, I thought I could save some to my best mate, the Mr. Irish man.
I happily called him and said I had some moon-cakes for him. To my surprise, he was over-excited. I told him I would bring over the cake to him at his apartment. And so I did. Walking down the street with light-hearted, and wondering why was he so excited about one moon-cake. When I reached there, he ran down from his apartment and met me.
Mr Irish Man : Hey Ryan, thanks for the cake! Ryan : No problem! It's halal. So you can eat! Mr Irish Man : Oh that's so sweet! Hey Ryan, I'm so excited can I give you a hug?!
A hug I can't resist!
How can I possibly say no to that? I welcomed his hug with open arms and guess what, it was a heart-felt warm hug I have ever received. No, no dirty elements in it. Just a pure sincere hug of appreciation and gratitude. And yes, it was special to me. Memorable, indeed! Oh those strong arms, I could've been melted in his sweet caress. No doubt whenever I think about it, I wonder why didn't I even at least move my hands down until I reach his butt and... !? Oh, now I sound like a pervert. Give me a tight slap to wake me up, please!
Well, that was the hug. I have some other memorable hug. Like a few hugs with one of the three brothers I used to fallen for. Oh well, that was so past tense. During that time, I stupidly thought we had a connection and might have a chance to be together. Guess love really is blind. I was just falling head over heel and couldn't think straight. Now whenever I think about it, I would smile at my stupidity and innocent.
I seriously don't know how to put into words how a hug can be. Comforts? Loves? Encouragement & motivation? Condolence? Consolation? All can be in just a simply hug. Of course, I long for an intimate hug and a passionate kiss with a man. I can go over and over... I should stop here.
You know, life's been good actually, for me. OK, darling! I do know that millions or zillions of people are suffering in China due to the recent earth-quake and yeah, my mom is basically weeping and wiping that over-flowing tears that can't seem to stop while watching the tv programme show-casting the latest situation in China. I am guessing the tear from her eyes is more than ten pails of water! OK, I'm exaggerating! Whatever! :P
Enjoying the day
OK, back to how good my life is, for the moment. Oh how bad can it be, I mean? Hahaha... Talk about my busy working life? Oh I am so over it! By "over it", I don't mean that I am no longer busy and care-free. But to gripe over it doesn't make anything better. So, I am so shaking it off my shoulder and focus on some other happier thing. Such as the boss will be away for the whole week?! Bwahaha... OK this is something! Not that my boss has been so strict that he has his eyes on us 8 hours making sure we work and work like a cheap slave. But without him around, I just feel much more relax and free. Hmm... and I wonder why?! But then again, why should I care?!
After work, I reached home and took a cold shower. The feeling of water flowing over my body washing away all the "unwanted" is just... great! Ahh... wash clean clean! Even the thought of being clean is already de-stressing. Like all my worries and problems have suddenly disappeared and the calmness and peacefulness caressing me into their big strong arms. Ooh, strong arms. Chris Evan's strong arms? Eddie Cibrian's strong arms? Brad Pitt's, Gerald Butler's... strong arms? Hmm... wonderful! Oh not that you do not know I am a dreamer!?
Mmm... what more can I say?!
Oh, that's not all, after a cold shower, I returned to my room and I have my computer full of pornography... aiks, I mean drama series and some great movies awaiting for me to "taste". Oh and where is my ice-cream? Oh yes yes, they're in the fridge. Oh no, I finished all the Baskin Robbins! Never mind, I still have some cold and fresh yogurt juices. Yum Yum... Should I watch "Ugly Betty" or the "Gossip Girl"? Or maybe the "Will & Grace" which always put smile on my face? How about watching "Shelter" again which will always makes me go into that lovey-dovey mood having me crying "Aww... that's so sweet!". Ah, anything will do!
After that, I will have my computer play the Colbie Caillat's album. Turn off the monitor, climb back into my warm bed, hugging my favourite pillows, listening to that cool and relaxing songs, thinking about how lucky and happy I am. I say a little prayers. Wishing for world peace and happiness of all livings. And I will fall asleep... and sweet dreams will follow.
Shh...sweet sweet dream...
Just another sweet and normal day. And I like it this way.
I do not know there was such a "day" actually. But I'm glad there is. You see, I can't really remember how I come to accept the fact that I am a homosexual. But it surely did occur to me that I was a weird person with special interest. Well, pretending to be it was just a crazy wild thought of having intimacy with men, I managed to drive my attention away from the man-to-man relationship as I was so busy with some other thing back then.
Maybe it was just a stupid thought?!
However, reaching puberty and during the adolescent make things worse. That's when testosterone taking its effect to another higher level and drove me crazy. But instead of further looking into homosexuality, just like other young men back then, I thought I should focus on the opposite sex and impress them with all our might. Oh well, that's so high-school!
As I mentioned, I seriously do not know when and how I come to realize and admit that I am definitely a gay man. That will take another long journey back and remember every steps or incidents that might have caused me to realize "Oh yes, I am gay, indeed!". Seriously I can't say I am a proud gay. Living in this country, I just can't seem to be out and loud. Disheartening, yes it is. Oh well, ain't gonna go deep into that unfairness and bla bla bla depressing facts and all that blue-wy jazz.
However, I guess what I can do is to just promote this : " International Day Against Homophobia". I got to know this from Crazy Sam's Blog. And I guess we should all do something about it. Well, at least start from the thing which you can do, like posting a poster below.
Apparently May 17th 1991 is the day when the World Health Organization (WHO) removed homosexuality from its list of mental illnesses. Thank goodness, I am not classified as a crazy maniac now. You know, how I thought I was a crazy young man who only focus on the bulky horny man when watching porn. Oh well, those were the days. I guess surfing internet and know more about homosexuality does makes me feel better of myself as I know that I am not the only gay person and a lot more other people are experiencing the same situation as I do.
Let's do this together!
It's like achieving world peace. It takes time to create awareness and make things better. Let's put some efforts in promoting and work against homophobia starting from our community. It's not easy, I know. But you will never know a small little efforts by everyone can actually change the world.
I learned that people at my age should fuck around. Well, let's put it this way, should have sex regularly to keep one's mind sane and physically healthy. Apparently having sex boost up our immune system and bla bla bla.... good for our health. And so I know.
"Hey, let's have sex here, and now!"
Unfortunately having no partner to have sex with doesn't help. Come on, I am young and I have need. And being a male make things worse. Apparently the testosterone always play tricks when you least expected it to be. I guess I do not elaborate further. Sex sex sex... anything to do with sex, we won't get bored with it. From the sexy images (visual) to the moaning/groaning sound of pleasure (audio), eww... suddenly I feel like vomit. Oh I forgot I am a pervert! Well, who isn't?!
So being a single and desperate grown man, I am very high-alerted with hunky and handsome stud around. My radar and the sixth (or seventh, eighth...) sense is so sensitive that once hunky stud is detected, the alarm in my head will start to ring so loud that it was as if my whole body is on fire and gonna explode. And so my eyes will start to be naughty scanning that hunk from head to toe (I was about to say top to bottom, oh well). You know, like my glasses was one of the sophisticated gadget I have which will list out all the detail about that hunk... how big is the arms, chest size, the bun, the face.... ok everything! :P Damn, side effect after watching so many marvel's movie!
Nice arms, nice abs...
That's what happened actually when I was out tonight to celebrate Mother's Day with the whole family in a nearby cafe. Apparently there was this hunky waiter. Ah, he is SO fine! Almost as attractive as the man I have a crush on. At first I did not notice him. But him being so dedicated and hardworking walking up and down serving the customers rang the alarm in my head. Did I mention he has good smile? Oh, once noted, scanning started. From his hair style, down to his face, down to his neck, to his shoulder, arms, chest, stomach (oh he has no big belly, perfect! I hope nice abs too!) , to his firm butt... ok, good enough!
How nice it was to check him out once in a while. You know it was such a great sight to me, to see a man working dedicatedly. I almost excused myself from the table and grabbed him back into the some rooms behind the kitchen or wash room and just french-kissing him. Ah, fantasy! Day dreaming... Luckily I didn't have my saliva dripping out of my mouth while watching the hunky waiter walking here and there serving customers.
Damn, he's so fine!
I did purposely ask him over to have our dessert served so I can have a closer look at him. As I said, he's SO fine! LOL... Call me whatever, I deserved to be served! But I hope no further. You know it's true that sometimes things can be so beautiful from a far. But the closer and the more you look, the uglier they become. Well, not entirely true. But I believe that once we see things that are beautiful, then let it be beautiful entirely in your mind. Just like this handsome waiter, I will never know how good or bad his personality is. But base on his out-look, let's just assume he is kind hearted, funny and charming. LOL... pathetic, I know! :P
I would be lying if I said I am not desperate to have a boyfriend or a partner. But I wouldn't want to have a boyfriend just because I need sex. Oh don't tell me about sex buddy. I am so not into that. And I have many concerns So many that some of them could be pathetically unreasonable, yet they're good enough for me to have myself stay single for as long as I need. I guess I am not ready yet. So I guess the so-called faithful partner I have is... my hands which loyally and dedicatedly be there whenever I need them. Ah, talk about unconditional love. Nothing is better than our hands, isn't it? They sure know what to do when we are in need. Don't ask me what kind of 'need'. But I might have that 'need' after watching the following clips :
HOT HOT HOT!!! Before I faint, just in case you do not know, that HOT stud is Eddie Cibrian!
Lately I've been cursing a lot, inside my heart. I am not sure if the working environment has shaped me into this kind of person but I guess most probably yes. You see, providing service and supports aren't an easy job. Especially you need to deal with a lot of customers with different attitudes and behaviours.
One customer can be kind and understanding, but some other can be very demanding and rude. Of course the latter one always got me angry and furious inside, and yet I need to fake a smile and turn my head around calling him/her "Bitch!".
And sometime when customers request to do certain thing, we're not obliged to do it for them, but as a goodwill, we should do it. I really hate this part. Goodwill goodwill... then who is being kind with me?! I sacrificed a lot just because of goodwill. So today when this customer asked me to standby AFTER OFFICE HOUR (I have to capitalize it, just in case you don't see!), I basically screaming at the top of my voice :
"You fucking bitch! What the hell?! Ask me to stay after office hour?! I no need to go home just because you having problems with your works?! I no need to rest? Don't fucking tell me you're staying late as well because that's none of my business! To hell with your own problems and stop bugging me!"
Shut up and fuck off!
Of course, I was screaming inside my heart. Wouldn't want to cause a big scene in the office, would I?! I would definitely turn into counter-tenor or even soprano singing at the top of the pitch! Anyway, no matter how unwilling I am, I have to stay back and standby. Yes, after office hour. Mind you, I don't have to actually. I can just ignore the customer and fucking go home and rest. But to avoid any unwanted consequences, it's always better to stay back and satisfy their needs. "Fucking hell, who ever satisfy my needs?!"
So unfair! So ridiculous! So annoying!
So I standby and basically mumbling to myself complaining how shitty I am bla bla bla... The n the customers called and said I should be there to check out the system. Fine! I went. Along the way, I uncontrollably curse again within my heart :
"Fucking hell! He better treats me well! Always last minute tell me this should be done and that should be postponed! And don't ever let me hear about that stupid lady boss's complain! She basically only yell and scream at the people around her whole day and nothing else. People going home and I still work. So freaking unfair!"
And the great part is, I always get this particular customer calling my cellphone to urge me to solve the problem soon so they can proceed with their works. It's really annoying. While I was in the middle of re-solving the problems, he could call up more than three times just to check what's the status within 1 hour!!!! What the hell?! My cellphone almost run out of battery just because of his calls. I curse again within my heart :
"Ooi, abang! You know I should be staying home now watching my favourite drama and eating ice-cream. Instead I stay back just to solve your freaking problems so you can do your work! Don't ever tell me this is urgent. Everything is urgent, as always! What's not urgent, you tell me! Please show some appreciation la! Always urge me. Like I serve you only. I'm not your slave, ok! Now I feel so under-appreciated! So shut up la! I'll call you once done la!"
Well well well... In reality, I have to gently reply with a smile on my face :
"Yes, Sir. We're still in the midst of solving your problems. Please be patient. We'll immediately let you know once the problem is solved, ok?!"
Don't piss me off!
Freaking hell! You can image my fake smiling face immediately turned to irritated face right after the end of the phone conversation. Bloody annoying!
When I was young I always like to ask that question :"What's it like?". Yeah, curiosity had me asking me that question over and over again when I saw new thing in different situation.
Hmm... what's it like?
What's it like when we reach 18? What's it like when we step into university? What's it like when we step into working world? What's it like to kiss someone's lips? What's it like to touch someone's... ok, I won't go that far. :P
But it seems like most of those subjective questions have been answered as I grow older. I am pretty shocked by the fact that I am now a working man who works in the KL City Golden Triangle. I could still remember when I was living in rural area far away from the "city of light", how I wonder it will be to work in the busiest city in the whole country. It must be very hectic and stressing. And yes, I am experiencing it. So from a "Kampung Boy", I am now the "City Man" who works like a human-like robot.
On the other hands, it is amazing to look back and realized actually I have come this far from where I was. It's funny see how innocent and naive I was. And how stupid and ignorant I was. I'm glad I grow smarter and wiser. Hahaha... And I'm grateful I managed to go through all the dark period or the difficult times. I know I grew stronger and more mature through the hard times. Those wins and loses, those happy and sad moments, those laughters and cries... certainly enriched my life. And still enriching...
Life's been good.
Never thought that I would graduate from a university, got my degree and work in the busiest city, really. When I was young, I thought I would work in that rural state working as a teacher or something like that. I didn't really know what I wanted to be then. Just thought that teacher is something I could be and I love teaching young kids.
But now I am so far away from where I grew up and actually wearing long-sleeve shirt and dark pant and actually go to an office and work. Not a manager or something, but being able to contribute to the society, it feels great. At least, I am "useful". LOL...
So what's it like to be 18? cheh... high testosterone. Wanked a lot! Excuse me! :P What's it like to be in university? Ermm... bittersweet memories. Expose to a lot of different people though. What's it like to be in working world? You'll feel numb. What's it like to kiss? Oh terrible. Especially the first time... don't even know when I should open my mouth! What's it like to touch... Don't be naughty! I'll be singing Mariah Carey's "Touch My Body"
Is he trying to touch my body?
There's still a lot of what's it like questions in my mind. But I am sure I'll get the answers as time goes by. I just need to be patient. Hmm... what's it like...
It's pathetic that living for more than 20 years and I still cannot define and truly fully experience love. What's love? No, don't ask me that! Love is... love.
I love you dearly
But I have to be glad though that I have experienced the love from family and friend. Family loves me, and my friends love me. So even though at times I find myself pathetically alone without that special someone who will always be by my side, I always tell myself that I should be thankful because, at least, I am loved, by family and friends of course.
But that doesn't stop me from dreaming to have that special someone who will always be by my side. The white Prince, the so-called Mr. Right, the ultimate love of my life, the partner and the one who I will spend my life with. How nice it would be...
You know, it doesn't help when my mom asked me when will I get a girlfriend? Who are you hanging with? A guy or a girl? Even though sometime she said no need to rush to get a wife, deep down inside I am so sure she wanted to see me get married and build a family on my own. At least she would want to witness that when she is still alive. Perhaps, that's what she secretly hopes for now. And I wonder what will it be if I were to bring home a perfect man holding my hand. Or a gentleman sending flowers to my home where I happily receive it with a sweet smile on my face. Or a gorgeous man sending me home from a date planting a kiss on my cheek (or lips) before I walked into the front door, turning around and saying goodbye to him.
Dream dream dream...
Yeah, I've never been afraid to dream. For I know that's the least I can do to make myself happy. And to make my dreams more interesting, I love to watch romantic movies. All those "happily ever after" movies certainly makes my dreams feel more real and achievable. From straight chic-flicks to gay-themed romantic movies... I watched them all. "Love Actually", "The Holiday", "27 dresses", "Straight Jacket", "Shelter"... that's where my dreams come true. Even though they come and go, I enjoy the moment and I look for another great moment to come later.
Shane Mack - Lie To Me
Lately I just watch the gay-themed movie - Shelter. I totally enjoyed the movie. That night, my whole family went out to shopping and left me all alone in my house. So the perfect thing to do is indulge myself in the not-so-real world. So I play that movie and threw myself into bed hugging my favourite pillow, sat back and enjoy the sweet, romantic movie. The movie has everything I like, two guys (hunky), surfers fell in love. There were complications (yes, that's life), sweet conversations, hot love-making, confusion, some hilarious scripts... the best part is that I got to see two guys lying in bed just gazing into each other's eyes and knowing how lucky and loved they are. That particular part totally won my heart over. I know, that's love.
Of course there's always a side effect after watching that kind of movie, especially for a single person like me. I'll tend to think about my love life and feel how pathetically alone I am. Then bla bla bla... all those negative thoughts... unfairness... just overwhelming. Thanks to my years of practice, I managed to put a shield all over me and those things could never attack me or bring me down. I've learned to cast them away by telling myself that I am good person and I do have people who love me for who I am. If I were destined to be alone for the rest for my life, I know that many people love me, and I can love them all back. :D
Glad to have you with me, darling!
Still unsure of how my love life would be, I simply put a smile on my face and walk one step at a time. "Come what may...", I tell myself.
I'm a bitch! Yeah, that's what I always tell one of my colleague, my ex-colleague actually. Apparently she "hopped" into another company recently due to don't know what reason. As if I give a damn. Anyway, I guess only both of us speaking English to each other in the office. Maybe that's what make her different. And yeah, she has this unique accent in speaking English, British accent? I'm not sure. But when talking to her in English, I myself will start to imitate her accent and talk to her in that particular accent. Funny as it may seem, but I kinda like it.
Speak to me, bitch!
Anyway, due to our strong accent, no doubt the other colleagues around us will look at us in one kind as if we're aliens from MARS communicating in a language only we know. How pathetic! I also find some of them give us that "urgh" look as if we're pretending to speak like a British. I can already predict the following conversation.
Lady A : Do they have to speak like that? Lady B : Cheh, they just want to show off only ma. So what?! Lady A : Ya lor. Speak so good for what? I speak manglish also can survive ler... Lady B : Ya la. Speak until like a banana! So men-siasui-kan. I doubt they being chinese know how to speak chinese or not.
Bi-a-tches! Never mind. But I do have to admit that when we both speak, we really try to speak good english with some bad words such as ass, bullshit... ok not so bad after all. And it makes me feel good. Cause not many people speak good English with me in the office. And I don't like that. Not that I don't like to speak mandarin or Cantonese with colleagues, but they don't speak proper mandarin (Pu Tong Hua) nor accurate Cantonese. And that just make everything seem so unprofessional.
Don't talk to me!
Well, that's just me. Now that she's gone, and I have no one to speak English with in the office. Only with customers. How pathetic?! Oh did I mention most of my customers don't speak good English as well?! They would mix some words with their own native language which make everything seem, again, so unprofessional! And to be more "down-to-earth", I have to speak their language with extra words like "la", "hor", "meh", "ya" at the beginning or right at the end of each phrase. And so I have to follow them "lo", just in case they don't understand.
In fact, I am not so good in English neither. I am not the one who got an A for 1119 English or a debater who can speak English so fluently that they can use their mouth and shoot people off. But at least I try to be more professional and speak good English. Else, how would people wanna respect you when your sentences are full with "Arr", "la","hor","lo"... Maybe that's just them.
Huh?! What's with the "la" and the "ha"?
So now I vow to read more, speak more good English with customers and even write more (yeah lotsa emails and meeting minutes will certainly help). That's one skill I should acquire and master!
That's a familiar phrase, isn't it? I ain't no fan of Nike brand, darling! But I find the phrase really motivating and give us a boost like "Just go and do it no matter what!" Don't care what might happened and just do it! Do it!
Yeah, I'll do it!
How easy it is to say and brag about how we should be decisive and not to be afraid to face any consequences. No, it is not easy at all. Especially for a pathetically caring person like me. "What if this happened? What if that doesn't turn up as what we expected it to be? I'm afraid he will not like it. I don't think she could take that!" Horrible horrible! It's always better to keep my mouth shut and let other do the decision in group discussion/activities.
But then that caring person I was has changed. Yeah, caring person?! Bullshit?! Why should I be caring when others kept on taking advantage of me?! Apparently I cared too much.
~ I should help him with this. ~ Oh, he's just too busy. Maybe I can just do that for him. ~ Oh, just a few miles away, I can help to make the delivery. ~ It's ok to help make that few phone calls. ~ Alright, I'll do that documentation. ~ Yeah I'll write the meeting minutes and send to everyone.
I'll do anything, Sir!
What the fucking hell?! Even writing a simple fucking email has to ask for my help?! What's wrong with them? And somehow I think I am a working machine, which only know how to take order, say yes, and execute the instructions. Pathetic pathetic pathetic!
It gave me a big slap on the face last Friday when I had to stay back in the office (after office hour) writing the meeting minutes for TWO FUCKING HOURS!! What now? Since when I become the secretary? I am just a fucking software developer?!
Anyway, to make myself feel better, I always tell myself that "Capable person will always have more works to do"! So yes, I am not only capable to become a professional software developer, I am capable of being a secretary, delivery boy, communication executives... what else? I am multi-talented bastard who can do anything! How about that?! Yeah, I do anything. I just fucking do everything that I can do! Busy?! Yeah, I deserve it!
So I recently also found out that there's an advantage of being busy, or being known as the busiest person. I gotta walk around the office with my head high and everyone has to give their cooperation to me. It makes me feel like I am the most important person and yes, that feels REALLY good. Not only did I learn a lot from my busy working life, I also got to know a lot more staff in my company (as I started to deal with them more) and also have better relationship internally and externally. So I become "famous", or well-known. Yeah, I could be notorious if I bitch around too!
Busy I am. I keep on doing all the things, which some of them should be done by someone else. I know I am gonna learn more and grow. Ignoring those colleagues who works around me taking their own sweet time surfing internet or pretending to be busy (while checking on the rise and fall of the stocks figure), I work my ass off and put on more value on myself. I know I am gonna be kicking-ass later! So I do it! I just fucking do it!
You take your own sweet time, darling! Don't regret!
I know someday they will suffer when I'm gone, for I have accepted the unexpected offer.
I've always wanted to be fat. I was so skinny that I hate to look into the mirror and see bones all over my body as if I was suffering from Mal-nutrition. Ok, I was not that skinny but still I prefer to be "bigger". More athletic if not muscular. So I always want to be fat.
Bigger arms? Bigger chest?
To achieve that, there was this one period of time when I ate a lot. Breakfast with eggs, milk, breads etc. Lunch and dinner always "tambah nasi". Some time supper too. Unfortunately, what you want is not always what you'll get. It seemed that I still couldn't get fat, or put on weight that way. Apparently my metabolism was so high that whatever I ate was always not enough. Well, what was when I was in secondary school. Yeah, teenager... high metabolism.
Stepping into working world, still have that little dream of being a hunky stud, I spare some money from my monthly salary to pay the gym membership. And so I hit the gym whenever possible lifting weight and pump every single muscle I know (which is very limited) and thought as long as I keep on doing it, I'll see some result. And yes, I did put on some weight. But not very satisfying. I need to put on more weight. I want bigger chest, bigger arms... big big big!!! But I know me, I am the lazy type person. As time goes by, my determination getting weaker.
Being a hot hunk like me?
I ended up not going to the gym for a few months now. Reason? Busy with work la!
And then recently I noticed something. Something really scary and embarrassing! I got back from my office after long hours of working. I took off my shirt before hitting the shower and I saw that person in the mirror. There's a "spare tyre" around his waist that his pant can hardly cover. OMG! I am so looked like those big-belly uncles! I hate it hate it hate it! It's even worse when I notice that my stomach is almost bigger than my "boobs"! Ooops, did I just say that?! A pregnant uncle is coming to town!
Anyway, the point is, I am getting fat! But at the wrong place! Eeks! Big belly?! So U.G.L.Y.! For one moment, I thought I am gonna vomit! Uueeecckkk! Anyway, that's a very STRONG alert! I am getting fat. Perhaps I sat too long in the office? My sitting posture isn't right? I ate too much? I guess I need to get back to my exercise habit!
Come to the gym with me, darling!
Guess what?! I am going to hit the gym tomorrow after work! Yes, I need to.
Days of hard works and endless sleepless night have finally got me down. It's like every single cells in my body were screaming and yelling asking and begging me stop stop and stop. I could even heard siren ringing in my head causing me a little dizzy every now and then. And yesterday, one fine typical Friday, my body and mind gave me a strict and definite warning!
That's a warning!
How bad it was? Not so bad till I broke down and fainted in the office causing big commotion in the office. Not so good too that I might have done some terrible mistakes big enough to lose customers' trust to the company. Anyway, I was exhausted. Can't help it!
It was in the morning where we (the boss and I) went to customer site to attend a meeting to discuss over something. I basically was numb. Thought it was just another meeting which I attended routinely and always "no big deal about it". Besides, I have the boss with me, I can always stay quiet and let him do the talking.
Well, little did I know that I was thrown with questions too in the meeting. A little numb, not-so-awake and still pretty much in the "zombie" mode, there's this one moment where the customer asked me question and I just look at her, losing the ability to think anything and response. And then I didn't know what to say. I guess I looked helpless and pathetic. Luckily , my boss was there and helped me answered that. I sure got a cold sweat.
Then only I got to be more alert. Followed by a feeling of dizziness and headache. Gosh, those must be the signs. No kidding, I was exhausted! And I hope my boss knew it! It's sad to know that I'll have to attend another bigger and more stressful meeting in the afternoon after lunch time.
Help me release stress, will ya?!
Not wise to skip my lunch, I requested my colleague to help buy me lunch and I steal the lunch time to take a nap in the office. Pathetic, really! Normally, Friday's lunch is the best moment in the week. Coz it's Friday and I don't think I need to elaborate more. So when my colleague returned from their wonderful time, I had the McDonald lunch pack and rushed out to attend the meeting with my boss again. Of course, I was in a better condition then.
Right at the end of the working hour, I even have to stay back, replying tonnes of important emails and also do some documentation and send them over to the customers. Oh I am so that girl in the movie "The Devil Wears Prada"!
Had dinner with some colleagues later. We were all exhausted. While waiting for out food, as usual we mumbling over something stupid and talk crazy things. Gosh, such unhealthy culture. Luckily one of my colleague offered to give me a ride home. I almost dozed off in his car. But I tried not to because we were both exhausted and I should keep him awake by talking stupid things, again.
This morning, as usual, I was taking the lift up to my office and I stumbled upon 'The man'. I know him. But never worked closely with him. With a good smile, I greeted him in the crowded lift and we waited the lift to bring us up to our office. Upon getting out of the lift, he asked if I could meet him later in his room. Shocked, I acted calm and nonchalantly said OK.
"Please come and see me in my room later!"
A little curious and anxious about what was in his head, I have to calm myself and stay cool while guessing his intention. Was there something that I did that caught his attention? Or was I that 'attractive'? So when the time came, I took a deep breath and braved myself into his room.
And we have a good almost an hour conversation. 'The Man' is my big boss. Or should I say, my current boss's boss? The fact is, he's offering me a better opportunities. Ain't gonna go into detail about that. But I am kinda excited and a little worried at the same time. Excited because of the opportunities, worried because I am not sure if I could take up the challenge and also hand over my current projects in hand to my poor colleagues.
What kind of offer do you expect?
Hell knows how busy I am. It makes me realize that I have no life other than my busy working life. Pathetic as it may seem, I seriously, for one moment, thought about re-adjust my priorities in life. Again, pathetically, I always ended up being too busy to do any adjustment for my life. So little do I know that I am basically blinded by my overwhelming working life.
But things are different now. Apparently I have been spotted! My talent and strength have been noticed. And my efforts paid off. I've got a better offer. The only thing I have to do now is to make up my mind and come out with a final decision by the end of this week! Goodness, so little time to think over.
Should I take it or not?
It's a very difficult decision really. I like my current supervisor, and already familiar with all the projects in hands. If I took the offer, I'll have to start everything anew. New supervisor, new team mates, new projects, new environment, with better salary and welfare, of course.
Pros and cons... what-ifs and maybes... guess I'll have another few sleepless nights...
I was tagged tagged tagged. Having to clear out all my pending tasks, I better do these memes before someone "hunt me down". I have to combine the two memes (tagged by Kenny and Sam) into one and I seriously doubt I have time to do both seperately. Compromise a bit la, huh?! So here you go...
He's the man!
BACHELOR NO : 69 (Yeah, you know what it means!)
NAME : Ryan
OCCUPATION : IT Professional
AGE : 25
ZODIAC : Aquarius
FAVE HANGOUT : Bedroom? Oh hang-OUT? I hardly go out. How?
TALENT : Sleeping, singing, play piano
Three things you can’t live without? I am pretty much contend with pc with internet connection...the other two... maybe piano, and cellphone?
What is the sweetest thing a girl / guy has done for you? Ahh... this is difficult. Damn, I could hardly think of any!! How about the sweetest thing I'd done for a guy?
The most daredevil thing I’ve ever done is... Eeeks! I am such a coward I do nothing evil. I cursed, though within my heart!
What’s one thing you’re glad you’ve outgrown? Pathetically, nothing!
Your biggest mistake is... Losing my virginity to someone I don't really love.
Which actor would play you in a movie about your life? John Barrowman. He's fucking HOT HOT HOT!!!
Why do women / men... so fucking complicated?!
If you were a product, how would your advertising campaign read? Rim Your A** Now (R.Y.A.N.) Oops, a little obscene, I know. But it sure got your ATTENTION! :P
Which feature do you zoom in on when you meet a guy for the first time? Face. Please! I don't look people at their butt when I first meet them.
Who is your role model? Mariah Carey? She uses her talent to touch people's heart!
What's the healthiest thing you would eat among sushi, salad and sandwich? Salad. Not so fancy about bread nor sushi. I love vegetable and fruits. So salad!
Which movie you can watch again and again? Any porn movie? Any chic-flicks, romance, drama, or hunks half-naked... movies. Irresistible!
What is your most annoying habit? Procrastinating. Very unproductive and very sickening. Always make me hate myself after that for wasting precious time.
I get nervous when... sit for exams or, before presentation or, before performance.
My biggest fear is... to die with regrets.
The best thing I've done for myself is... learning to love myself each and every moment.
And to the people I tag: You! Take it or leave it!
Something really disturbed me these days. It's about this going for a trip issue that distractingly put a little pressure every now and then on me like a small little needle that prick you once in awhile here and there. And when it keeps on like that for a while, it actually putting up fire of anger in me!
Stop it, damn it!
It was these few colleagues who seems to be nothing to do lately came up with an idea of organizing a trip for our own department at the end of the month during weekend. In fact, when I was informed about the trip, I was quite excited and interested to join it. The idea of hanging out with some close friends and colleagues mates sounds fun. Later on, when I found out that it will involve more people (20++) including the bosses, I doubted.
There was an official email sent out stating the detail/proposal of the trip such as the objective of the trip which is of course to release stress, tie stronger bond between team leaders and between team members... bla bla bla. And where will the trip take us to? Of all the interesting places/attractions in Malaysia, they chose Ipoh.
Come on, it'll be fun!
OK, don't get me wrong. I am not saying that Ipoh is not a wonderful place, she surely has his beauties that attract some of our tourist, but I'm just not good in promote Malaysian attraction. The point is, when they broadcast to news of the trip, not many people response to their kind invitation. Well, we all have our different reasons for not joining the trip. Some of them are from Ipoh, and they find it boring to go back to their own hometown; Some other thinks Ipoh has nothing to see and play about; Some people like me prefer to enjoy the weekend ourselves or with our family; Some other would rather save some money for other things (yes, the trip is on our own expenses, the bosses might subsidy some depends on their availability and mood, perhaps?!).
Being so stressed up and working my ass off lately make me want to have more of my own space and privacy. Going to office at 8am and coming back home around 10pm something doesn't really give me any privacy and own space for myself to at least breath, rejuvenate nor re-energize myself for the next challenging day!
And so I made my choice of not joining the trip and replied the email declining the offer/invitation. It was a hard decision, really. Because most of my close colleagues from other team are going and they actually persuaded me to go. But after much consideration, I just need to take a break for myself. I don't want to be there the whole weekend following the crowd go here and there and pleasing anyone when the only thing I wanna do is stay in bed, sleeping, watching my favourite dramas, eating ice-cream and some other stuff that I enjoy doing. So, despite the annoying persuasion from my best mates, I kindly decline and firmly say "No!" to them. I'm such a heart-breaker, I know!
Free to be alone!
So lately "the organizer" found out that none of the members from our team participated the trip, and they hinted (or should I say "indirectly made a complain to) our boss about us not being supportive and participative. Consequently, everyone from our team were called into the meeting room by our boss. And I was shocked, really! And pissed, too!
In the meeting, the boss kindly asked about why we don't want to join that trip. Initially he thought we were so busy that we could not spare a weekend out to join the trip. I think that was me who bragged about how busy we are recently (actually we are!) to other team members that we must stay in town to handle the over-whelming workloads. So we all bla bla bla about our reasons (and maybe excuses) to the boss in the overly spacious meeting room. Some even told the boss straight-away that the trip is plain boring and is a waste of time. In the end, I am relieved and very glad that the boss did not force or insist anyone of us to join the trip. Apparently, he just want to know why we don't want to join and maybe make a feedback to "the organizer".
To the boss?!
However, as I mentioned earlier, I am really shocked that the boss have to call for a meeting just to ask us why we did not join. I am sure someone must have said something to him about us not joining the trip. Not in a very friendly way, I would say. Trying to get the boss to make us join the trip?! Not a chance!
Firstly, that trip is not compulsory, I have a choice to choose not to go. And they should respect my choice.
Secondly, the date time is just not right. Weekend? When we're suppose to rest and have our own privacy? And it's not just one Saturday? It occupies our Friday night till Sunday morning!
Thirdly, the destination. Ipoh? What can we do there three days two nights? Eat and wandering around the street? Visiting the caves and swimming in the Taiping lake? The only reason I would wanna go is only to be with my best mates and have a good time. But three days two nights doing don't-know-what? I'd rather have a one day trip going KTV and have a good meal in KL city. That would be more fun!
Fourthly, how can they ask the boss to put pressure on us when there's no one wanna join? They should review and revise their trip proposal which pathetically UN-interesting to most of my colleagues!
Fifthly, even the company trip is not compulsory! I am pretty busy. Even if I am not busy working in the weekend, I have the right to choose to rest during the weekend so I can have better performance the following week. Besides, since when playing is more important than working? Don't fucking tell me work hard and play hard! Work hard is good enough to shorten my life! I prefer work hard and rest more! And about play hard, I play my own games with my own rules. And not following the crowd doing something I don't enjoy doing.
I'm shoscked to know that some colleagues from other team were actually pressured by their seniors to join the trip, and they finally succumb to the over-whelming pressure and signed themselves up for the trip. As for me, I have to stick to my own plan. No one knows better than me what I want with my life and how I want to live my life. Even my boss never insist us to go, so why should I be bothered?
As if I give a damn?!
It's funny really that initially I am all excited to join the trip because I thought it involves only a few close mates hanging out together and have a good time. Too bad, what I thought is not what they are planning to do. Since I am not agreeable to their proposal, I thought it's normal for me to not join. At least, I think I have the right to choose. And I am pretty disturbed, by the fact that they actually have our boss calling us for a meeting just because none of us wanna join the trip?! What is this all about?!
It's hard to say "bye bye" sometime. Even though I have never really lost a loved-one who I really close with or intimate with, I think the only person I remember I lost is my grandfather who lived with me since I was young.
Bye Bye
I was 12 years old when he passed away because of stroke. He lied in hospital for 10 days when I wasn't even allowed to enter the room to visit (because I was too young?). I wasn't really devastated. But knowing he gonna die soon just make me feel sad. I only cried when he was cremated.
Anyway, after that, few years back, a few uncles passed away because of liver cancer. My mom was devastated, really. Well, lost two brother within a year. That's just unbearable. But she went through that rain. Praying for the loss and let go. Putting it down can be so hard.
That just make me feel very lucky to have everyone and everything I love & care around me. And I vow to appreciate them more every single moment. Cause I'll never know when I have to say "Bye Bye!" to them. By then, I hope it won't be too hard.
I would like to dedicate the following clip to Sam Nasser and his family who has just lost his grandmother recently. Be Strong, Sam! My daily prayers will go out to you and your family!
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* The following added on 6th April 2008 6:02pm *
This is for my peoples who just lost somebody, Your best friend, your baby, your man, or your lady Put you hand way up high you will never say bye. [No no no] Momma's, daddy’s, sister’s, brother’s, friends, and cousins. This is for my people’s who lost their Grandmothers lift your head up to the sky cause we will never say bye.
As a child, there were them times I didn’t get it, but you kept me alive I didn’t know why you didn’t show up Sometimes on Sunday mornings And I missed you, but what we talked through All them wrongful things, separation brings You never let me know it, you never let it show it Caused you loved me and obviously There's so much more than to say If you were with me today face to face.
I never knew I can hurt like this And everyday life goes on like I wish I can talk to you for a while Wish your butterfly not to cry As time goes bye
And as soon as you reached a better place And still I’d give The world to see your face And I’m bragging next to you Feels like you're gone too soon Now the hardest thing to do is say Bye, bye-bye.. Bye-bye Bye-bye Bye- bye Bye-bye Bye-bye Bye- bye Bye-bye Bye-bye Bye- bye-bye-bye..
And you never got a chance to see How good I’ve done And you never got to see me Back at number one I wish that you was here to celebrate together I wish that we can spend the holidays together I remember when you use to tuck me in at night Or the teddy bear u give me that I held so tight I thought you were so strong, You make it through whatever It's so hard to except the fact you gone forever
I never knew I can hurt like this And everyday life goes on like I wish I can talk to you for a while Wish your butterfly not to cry As time goes by
And as soon as you reached a better place And I’d still give The world to see your face And I’m bragging next to you Feels like you're gone too soon Now the hardest thing to do is say Bye, bye-bye.. Bye-bye Bye-bye Bye- bye Bye-bye Bye-bye Bye- bye Bye-bye Bye-bye Bye- bye-bye-bye..
This is for my peoples who just lost somebody, Your best friend, your baby, your man, or your lady Put you hand way up high you will never say bye. [No no no] Momma‘s, daddy’s, sister’s, brother’s, friends, and cousins. This is for my people’s who lost their Grandmother’s lift your head up to the sky cause we will never say bye.
I never knew I can hurt like this [I never knew it] And everyday [ everyday of my life] life goes on like this [ I wish, I wish] I wish I can talk to you for a while [I wish] Wish you butterfly not to cry [I wish] As time goes by [as time goes bye]
And as soon as you reached a better place.. I’d still give the world to see your face.. and me right here, next to you.. and the hardest thing to do.. is say.. Bye-bye………… its hard to say Bye bye bye bye bye So Come on Somebody sing it with me wave your hands up high
Cause this is for my peoples who just lost somebody This is for everybody Just lift your head to the sky Cause we will never say bye-bye
I guess I should be proud of myself for what I have just did this afternoon.
I'm getting wiser each day!
China Auntie : 先生你好！你会讲华语吗? (Hello, Mr! Do you know how to speak chinese?)
I just looked at her, said nothing, and shook my head pretending not to understand what the hell she was trying to say or ask. And then she left. And I continued walking towards my destination. Right after that, not only did I feel funny, I also felt proud of myself that I actually saved myself from getting into troubles.
Call me selfish, unkind, pathetic... or what-so-ever. I don't think I want to be cheated or fooled again. "You're very lucky" certainly taught me not to be so kind or friendly to anyone, especially stranger.
I'm not sure if I wrote this before in this blog, but I was asked for money many many times. Was it because my innocent and naive face? Or my friendly smile? Or my stupid dumb-ass look? I was always picked up by those "cheaters" and asked for money. It's either their wallet were stolen, or they ran out of money and needed to rush back to hometown. Some even try to get my number and promised to return the money.
Do I look rich?
I was stupid, really. Always sympathy. And I gave them some money. The funny thing is, they always ask for more. What the hell!?
So now I've learned. Ask me for money?! GO TO HELL!
That's why after the encounter with the China lady this afternoon, I whispered to myself: “臭婆娘！跟老子要钱？门儿都没有！” (Bitch! Ask me for money? Don't ever think about it!)
I've been working quite closely with my boss lately. Yes, quite closely. Closely.
Come closer!
Alright, not that close. But instead of just regularly check up and getting updates on what I have been doing, he asked me out... to attend a meeting with customer. Actually not only one, but a few meeting. I guess that must be something about my promotion recently. That I have to involve in the higher level of working environment. No longer the boring programmer who sat whole in the office dancing his fingers on the static keyboard. But to do some paper works as well. Writing formal emails, getting user requirement and stuff. Not that I haven't been doing that, but everything have to be more formal. Imagine email with bombastic signature?!
Climbing the ladder up up up!
Anyway, and so I thought I finally got the chance to escape the hellish world of programming or coding and fly higher into the heaven of no need to work like a cheap labour. But wait a minute, I guess I was wrong. Not only do I still have to do what I have been doing, I now also need to do extra works to help drafting out quotation, documenting, writing emails for confirmation of requirement, attending stupid and boring meetings and etc.
Yesterday I attended a meeting. And it was a three hours meeting!! Goodness, I think I sat in that chair until my bubble butt gone flat! Dammit! I thought my ass is the greatest asset! Anyway, despite the meeting start with the boring routine greeting and robotic discussion, later an interesting "auntie-like" lady joined the meeting who very much lighten up the dull meeting. This "auntie" was hilarious! I have to call her auntie because even though she is young, she behave and talk like auntie. Talk very fast yet nobody understand her. And the best part is she speak lousy english. Can't even pronounce properly a simple word like 'run'.
Don't speak!
Auntie-like lady : So I espek (expect) evlilan (everyone) to be lady (ready) by this week lo. Chair-woman : (Frowning while listening attentively) Auntie-like lady : And then we will lan(run) the ploglem(program) lo hor. If got ploblem(problem) we can stlet(straight)-away find people solve lo. Member : huh?! What program? Auntie-like lady : To estlek(extract) the data out ma. To put into ploduction (production). From development server to ploduction(production) server. If no one there how? So evilan(everyone) must lady(ready) la!
"Anyone lan(run) his hands over my body?!"
Seriously, everyone was frowning and disturbed. No offense, though. Her lousy english is still acceptable, but her bitchy way of talking, sorry la. I have to keep my distance from her. She would be the last person want to work with.
Another thing that really scares me about meeting was that you have to make decision there and then. My boss tends to throw me questions in the meeting as if testing my business knowledge and technical knowledge. And I have to come up with the right answer. Worse still, when he's trying to explain things to the customers, he tends to look at me to double check if whatever he explained to the customers are correct. And I have to keep nodding my head in agreement or finding a right way to correct him if he's mistaken something. Not that he is unsure. But technically I know the detail better than him. After all I am working on the system all these while and he's been involve in so many other projects.
Well, attending meeting is still OK. The worse part was after the meeting. I will have to remember what was discussed in the meeting and list out all the things that we should do. Well, I don't need to write the minutes, but to list down all the things that need to be done is more than enough to stress me up. Some clarification need to be made, and then have to follow up and get confirmation from the customers and bla bla bla... never easy.
Still have to work...
It was just yesterday that I attended a meeting. And today I received an email from the boss to come along with him to attend another meeting tomorrow morning! Well, he's the boss!
Gosh, I can't sleep tonight!
Pee? Or wank? Or Pee? No, wank?!
Wanna have a good time before we sleep, honey?!
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