Monday, June 25, 2007

Almost Normal

My family was watching tv together last night after our dinner. Yeah, we have a really close relationship among our family members. And I am thankful, really.

I can't remember what actually happened until my brother brought up the topic of me having male photos as my wallpaper and screen saver. And he said that it's so gay and abnormal. He insisted that I should have some cute babe with big boobs on my wallpaper and screen saver bla bla bla...

Well at that point, I felt a little angry and offended. But I kept quite and pretended I was concentrating on the tv programmes. And at the same time, I am also worried of what if they really asked about my sexual orientation. I was not ready to answer any of their questions. Luckily, they didn't ask!

My mom was kinda agreed to my brother's 'accusation' but she then said that maybe I want to be as muscular as those male in the pictures. Thus I put them up to constantly remind myself to achieve that 'goal'. I think mom is trying to protect me. Then my siblings continue to talk about what kinda of photos they collected last time for their wallpaper and so on.

"He just want to be like him having that muscular body someday!"

Later that night, I thought about what if I actually come out from the closet to my family. What will happen? In fact I thought about it a lot of time. Like I would tell my sister first, as she is the person I trust most and she can be very open-minded (even though she behaves 'conservatively'). The I would tell my brother who is as naughty as he always be. Even though he would be shocked to hear that, but I know he loves me as much as I love him. So he would accept whoever I am (hopefully). That's what I thought. After that, we would tell our mom eventually.

I think my mom would be fine knowing it. But I just don't know. Too many uncertainties. And I hate to think every single possibilities. Sometimes, I wanted to just tell them courageously without any more hesitation. But I always ended up telling myself that's not necessary. Or it is not the 'TIME' yet. Sometimes I just thought 'come what may'. If they asked, then I'll tell the truth. Else, don't say anything.

I don't know. I wonder how other gay people in Malaysia coming out of the closet. Can we? I know there's this Malaysian Chinese author and columnist did come out last few years. Gosh, he is so brave!

However, like what I've mentioned in my previous entry, Malaysia is still not yet ready for homosexuality. And things wouldn't get any better in the near future, I guess. Every time the gay topic appear in my mind, I'd tell myself "No use wasting your time thinking about it. You have more important things to do." Obviously, I am trying to ignore the topic. But for how long? Who knows?

"I'm just a normal guy, almost!"

And for that, I have to be that almost normal person I know till... don't know when.

1 comment:

Brian Rice said...

hey ryan....OMG. i can seriously see myself in ur predicament. and u know what? had i had the courage, i think i'll just come out there and then :D

i've only read a handful of ur entries, coz i bloghopped from paul's, i dont know whether ur a chinese, malay or an indian. [coz cultural difference may play a part in coming out].

so, just wishing u luck if u ever do decide to.[come out that is]

i've also been preparing myself :D