Monday, May 26, 2008

Sleepless Night

I hardly slept last night. Yeah, I didn't know why. Not that I had an afternoon nap earlier. I was basically working in the Sunday afternoon and yet during the night, I did not fall into sleep as easily as I thought I could.

Gosh, I can't sleep tonight!

I thought maybe it was the weather, so HOT and Stuffy! I am so gonna install an air-cond in my bedroom. Sleeping while sweating is just so not what I want. Besides, wearing singlet and boxer didn't help much. I also have to open my legs wide to allow some air to go between my crotch so that my "little dicky-docky" didn't get suffocated and died.

Ah, no matter how hard I tried to sleep, I finally gave in when I found myself needed to go to the toilet and pee. So I got myself up from bed, went to pee and surf net. By then I realized it was already 4am. Damn, a few more hours and I should be getting ready to go to work. Since I wasn't feeling really exhausted and sleepy, so I thought I should update my blog. Thus the previous post was created. Finished writing it at about 5am and I tried to sleep again. I guess I did sleep a little until 7:30am I woke up again to get myself ready to go to work.

Pee? Or wank? Or Pee? No, wank?!

Surprisingly, I didn't feel any worse than other normal day. Just a little sleepy and a little tired. Or maybe I have got used to this tiredness? But to continue having sleepless nights is not an option for me. I know if my body ring an alarm, I am gonna collapse and that require a few days for me to recover to my normal self.

I told my one of my colleague about my sleepless night and he said perhaps I was too stressed up. He experience the same thing before when he had so many works that his brain keep on processing and couldn't seem to stop. That's why we have problem sleeping. Perhaps he's right?! It's funny when I told Alexander about my sleepless night last night, he said I should wank before I sleep. That was hilarious! But honestly we tend to fall into sleep easier after masturbation. I have tried that before. Not sure exactly why. But it works for me. Perhaps that's another reason why having sex is good for health. Because you will have a better quality sleep?! I guess so.

Wanna have a good time before we sleep, honey?!

Anyway, I have to sleep now. And no, I did not wank today! It's too late! :P

Being Hugged

Suddenly I missed the feelings of being hugged. Hug can be such intimate feelings between two persons and brings a lot of comforts. From mother's hugs, friends' hugs to lover's hugs, each have their own intention and expression.

Hug me tight, yeah!

I remember the last time I gave a hug was to my aunt who has just lost her husband last week. Even though she seemed to be strong, we all knew she was devastated. So during the funeral I couldn't help but giving her a big tight hug just to let her know that we will be there for her and that we'll support her in every possible ways.

And then there was this memorable hug from a friend when I was in university. Gosh, now I wonder why I didn't mention about him in my blog. He used to be my crush in university. Well, he's an Irish+Malay mixed and he look more like an Irish man. And you do know I am a potato queen. :P. And he has this special accent that turned me so on whenever he speaks and I could just stare and listen to him talking all day long.

Mind you, he is not that good-looking, or maybe because he didn't really groom well. Having McDonald's kinda hair style (yeah, or you would prefer calling it maggie-mee hair?) and wearing baggie pant and that same-old t-shirt. To me, he's that kinda of fella who doesn't groom-up. But the thing is, he's popular. He really knows how to talk. And yeah, talking craps was his talent and he was so good that he could talk until the cows come home. And did I mention he was SO freaking humorous?

Anyway, he used to be one of my best mate in university. How we became best mate? I'll save it for another post. The thing is, he gave me a memorable hug during university life. It was "mooncake" festival and I guess all Chinese students had organized some events to celebrate the festival. And of course, some students just prefered to have it their own way like calling a few best mates and do a small gathering. Playing candles, eating moon-cakes and chit-chat about anything and have a good laughs. Yeah we did that. And since we had some extra moon-cakes, I thought I could save some to my best mate, the Mr. Irish man.

I happily called him and said I had some moon-cakes for him. To my surprise, he was over-excited. I told him I would bring over the cake to him at his apartment. And so I did. Walking down the street with light-hearted, and wondering why was he so excited about one moon-cake. When I reached there, he ran down from his apartment and met me.

Mr Irish Man : Hey Ryan, thanks for the cake!
Ryan : No problem! It's halal. So you can eat!
Mr Irish Man : Oh that's so sweet! Hey Ryan, I'm so excited can I give you a hug?!

A hug I can't resist!

How can I possibly say no to that? I welcomed his hug with open arms and guess what, it was a heart-felt warm hug I have ever received. No, no dirty elements in it. Just a pure sincere hug of appreciation and gratitude. And yes, it was special to me. Memorable, indeed! Oh those strong arms, I could've been melted in his sweet caress. No doubt whenever I think about it, I wonder why didn't I even at least move my hands down until I reach his butt and... !? Oh, now I sound like a pervert. Give me a tight slap to wake me up, please!

Well, that was the hug. I have some other memorable hug. Like a few hugs with one of the three brothers I used to fallen for. Oh well, that was so past tense. During that time, I stupidly thought we had a connection and might have a chance to be together. Guess love really is blind. I was just falling head over heel and couldn't think straight. Now whenever I think about it, I would smile at my stupidity and innocent.

I seriously don't know how to put into words how a hug can be. Comforts? Loves? Encouragement & motivation? Condolence? Consolation? All can be in just a simply hug. Of course, I long for an intimate hug and a passionate kiss with a man. I can go over and over... I should stop here.

Hugs and kisses...

Hugs and kisses (on the cheeks) ...

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Just Another Day

You know, life's been good actually, for me. OK, darling! I do know that millions or zillions of people are suffering in China due to the recent earth-quake and yeah, my mom is basically weeping and wiping that over-flowing tears that can't seem to stop while watching the tv programme show-casting the latest situation in China. I am guessing the tear from her eyes is more than ten pails of water! OK, I'm exaggerating! Whatever! :P

Enjoying the day

OK, back to how good my life is, for the moment. Oh how bad can it be, I mean? Hahaha... Talk about my busy working life? Oh I am so over it! By "over it", I don't mean that I am no longer busy and care-free. But to gripe over it doesn't make anything better. So, I am so shaking it off my shoulder and focus on some other happier thing. Such as the boss will be away for the whole week?! Bwahaha... OK this is something! Not that my boss has been so strict that he has his eyes on us 8 hours making sure we work and work like a cheap slave. But without him around, I just feel much more relax and free. Hmm... and I wonder why?! But then again, why should I care?!

After work, I reached home and took a cold shower. The feeling of water flowing over my body washing away all the "unwanted" is just... great! Ahh... wash clean clean! Even the thought of being clean is already de-stressing. Like all my worries and problems have suddenly disappeared and the calmness and peacefulness caressing me into their big strong arms. Ooh, strong arms. Chris Evan's strong arms? Eddie Cibrian's strong arms? Brad Pitt's, Gerald Butler's... strong arms? Hmm... wonderful! Oh not that you do not know I am a dreamer!?

Mmm... what more can I say?!

Oh, that's not all, after a cold shower, I returned to my room and I have my computer full of pornography... aiks, I mean drama series and some great movies awaiting for me to "taste". Oh and where is my ice-cream? Oh yes yes, they're in the fridge. Oh no, I finished all the Baskin Robbins! Never mind, I still have some cold and fresh yogurt juices. Yum Yum... Should I watch "Ugly Betty" or the "Gossip Girl"? Or maybe the "Will & Grace" which always put smile on my face? How about watching "Shelter" again which will always makes me go into that lovey-dovey mood having me crying "Aww... that's so sweet!". Ah, anything will do!

After that, I will have my computer play the Colbie Caillat's album. Turn off the monitor, climb back into my warm bed, hugging my favourite pillows, listening to that cool and relaxing songs, thinking about how lucky and happy I am. I say a little prayers. Wishing for world peace and happiness of all livings. And I will fall asleep... and sweet dreams will follow.

Shh...sweet sweet dream...

Just another sweet and normal day. And I like it this way.

Saturday, May 17, 2008

International Day Against Homophobia

I do not know there was such a "day" actually. But I'm glad there is. You see, I can't really remember how I come to accept the fact that I am a homosexual. But it surely did occur to me that I was a weird person with special interest. Well, pretending to be it was just a crazy wild thought of having intimacy with men, I managed to drive my attention away from the man-to-man relationship as I was so busy with some other thing back then.

Maybe it was just a stupid thought?!

However, reaching puberty and during the adolescent make things worse. That's when testosterone taking its effect to another higher level and drove me crazy. But instead of further looking into homosexuality, just like other young men back then, I thought I should focus on the opposite sex and impress them with all our might. Oh well, that's so high-school!

As I mentioned, I seriously do not know when and how I come to realize and admit that I am definitely a gay man. That will take another long journey back and remember every steps or incidents that might have caused me to realize "Oh yes, I am gay, indeed!". Seriously I can't say I am a proud gay. Living in this country, I just can't seem to be out and loud. Disheartening, yes it is. Oh well, ain't gonna go deep into that unfairness and bla bla bla depressing facts and all that blue-wy jazz.

However, I guess what I can do is to just promote this : " International Day Against Homophobia". I got to know this from Crazy Sam's Blog. And I guess we should all do something about it. Well, at least start from the thing which you can do, like posting a poster below.

Apparently May 17th 1991 is the day when the World Health Organization (WHO) removed homosexuality from its list of mental illnesses. Thank goodness, I am not classified as a crazy maniac now. You know, how I thought I was a crazy young man who only focus on the bulky horny man when watching porn. Oh well, those were the days. I guess surfing internet and know more about homosexuality does makes me feel better of myself as I know that I am not the only gay person and a lot more other people are experiencing the same situation as I do.

Let's do this together!

It's like achieving world peace. It takes time to create awareness and make things better. Let's put some efforts in promoting and work against homophobia starting from our community. It's not easy, I know. But you will never know a small little efforts by everyone can actually change the world.

Sunday, May 11, 2008


I learned that people at my age should fuck around. Well, let's put it this way, should have sex regularly to keep one's mind sane and physically healthy. Apparently having sex boost up our immune system and bla bla bla.... good for our health. And so I know.

"Hey, let's have sex here, and now!"

Unfortunately having no partner to have sex with doesn't help. Come on, I am young and I have need. And being a male make things worse. Apparently the testosterone always play tricks when you least expected it to be. I guess I do not elaborate further. Sex sex sex... anything to do with sex, we won't get bored with it. From the sexy images (visual) to the moaning/groaning sound of pleasure (audio), eww... suddenly I feel like vomit. Oh I forgot I am a pervert! Well, who isn't?!

So being a single and desperate grown man, I am very high-alerted with hunky and handsome stud around. My radar and the sixth (or seventh, eighth...) sense is so sensitive that once hunky stud is detected, the alarm in my head will start to ring so loud that it was as if my whole body is on fire and gonna explode. And so my eyes will start to be naughty scanning that hunk from head to toe (I was about to say top to bottom, oh well). You know, like my glasses was one of the sophisticated gadget I have which will list out all the detail about that hunk... how big is the arms, chest size, the bun, the face.... ok everything! :P Damn, side effect after watching so many marvel's movie!

Nice arms, nice abs...

That's what happened actually when I was out tonight to celebrate Mother's Day with the whole family in a nearby cafe. Apparently there was this hunky waiter. Ah, he is SO fine! Almost as attractive as the man I have a crush on. At first I did not notice him. But him being so dedicated and hardworking walking up and down serving the customers rang the alarm in my head. Did I mention he has good smile? Oh, once noted, scanning started. From his hair style, down to his face, down to his neck, to his shoulder, arms, chest, stomach (oh he has no big belly, perfect! I hope nice abs too!) , to his firm butt... ok, good enough!

How nice it was to check him out once in a while. You know it was such a great sight to me, to see a man working dedicatedly. I almost excused myself from the table and grabbed him back into the some rooms behind the kitchen or wash room and just french-kissing him. Ah, fantasy! Day dreaming... Luckily I didn't have my saliva dripping out of my mouth while watching the hunky waiter walking here and there serving customers.

Damn, he's so fine!

I did purposely ask him over to have our dessert served so I can have a closer look at him. As I said, he's SO fine! LOL... Call me whatever, I deserved to be served! But I hope no further. You know it's true that sometimes things can be so beautiful from a far. But the closer and the more you look, the uglier they become. Well, not entirely true. But I believe that once we see things that are beautiful, then let it be beautiful entirely in your mind. Just like this handsome waiter, I will never know how good or bad his personality is. But base on his out-look, let's just assume he is kind hearted, funny and charming. LOL... pathetic, I know! :P

I would be lying if I said I am not desperate to have a boyfriend or a partner. But I wouldn't want to have a boyfriend just because I need sex. Oh don't tell me about sex buddy. I am so not into that. And I have many concerns So many that some of them could be pathetically unreasonable, yet they're good enough for me to have myself stay single for as long as I need. I guess I am not ready yet. So I guess the so-called faithful partner I have is... my hands which loyally and dedicatedly be there whenever I need them. Ah, talk about unconditional love. Nothing is better than our hands, isn't it? They sure know what to do when we are in need. Don't ask me what kind of 'need'. But I might have that 'need' after watching the following clips :

HOT HOT HOT!!! Before I faint, just in case you do not know, that HOT stud is Eddie Cibrian!


Friday, May 09, 2008


I gripe. Yeah, I do gripe a lot!

What do you need to complain about?

Lately I've been cursing a lot, inside my heart. I am not sure if the working environment has shaped me into this kind of person but I guess most probably yes. You see, providing service and supports aren't an easy job. Especially you need to deal with a lot of customers with different attitudes and behaviours.

One customer can be kind and understanding, but some other can be very demanding and rude. Of course the latter one always got me angry and furious inside, and yet I need to fake a smile and turn my head around calling him/her "Bitch!".

And sometime when customers request to do certain thing, we're not obliged to do it for them, but as a goodwill, we should do it. I really hate this part. Goodwill goodwill... then who is being kind with me?! I sacrificed a lot just because of goodwill. So today when this customer asked me to standby AFTER OFFICE HOUR (I have to capitalize it, just in case you don't see!), I basically screaming at the top of my voice :

"You fucking bitch! What the hell?! Ask me to stay after office hour?! I no need to go home just because you having problems with your works?! I no need to rest? Don't fucking tell me you're staying late as well because that's none of my business! To hell with your own problems and stop bugging me!"

Shut up and fuck off!

Of course, I was screaming inside my heart. Wouldn't want to cause a big scene in the office, would I?! I would definitely turn into counter-tenor or even soprano singing at the top of the pitch! Anyway, no matter how unwilling I am, I have to stay back and standby. Yes, after office hour. Mind you, I don't have to actually. I can just ignore the customer and fucking go home and rest. But to avoid any unwanted consequences, it's always better to stay back and satisfy their needs. "Fucking hell, who ever satisfy my needs?!"

So unfair! So ridiculous! So annoying!

So I standby and basically mumbling to myself complaining how shitty I am bla bla bla... The n the customers called and said I should be there to check out the system. Fine! I went. Along the way, I uncontrollably curse again within my heart :

"Fucking hell! He better treats me well! Always last minute tell me this should be done and that should be postponed! And don't ever let me hear about that stupid lady boss's complain! She basically only yell and scream at the people around her whole day and nothing else. People going home and I still work. So freaking unfair!"

And the great part is, I always get this particular customer calling my cellphone to urge me to solve the problem soon so they can proceed with their works. It's really annoying. While I was in the middle of re-solving the problems, he could call up more than three times just to check what's the status within 1 hour!!!! What the hell?! My cellphone almost run out of battery just because of his calls. I curse again within my heart :

"Ooi, abang! You know I should be staying home now watching my favourite drama and eating ice-cream. Instead I stay back just to solve your freaking problems so you can do your work! Don't ever tell me this is urgent. Everything is urgent, as always! What's not urgent, you tell me! Please show some appreciation la! Always urge me. Like I serve you only. I'm not your slave, ok! Now I feel so under-appreciated! So shut up la! I'll call you once done la!"

Well well well... In reality, I have to gently reply with a smile on my face :

"Yes, Sir. We're still in the midst of solving your problems. Please be patient. We'll immediately let you know once the problem is solved, ok?!"

Don't piss me off!

Freaking hell! You can image my fake smiling face immediately turned to irritated face right after the end of the phone conversation. Bloody annoying!

Tuesday, May 06, 2008

What's it Like...

When I was young I always like to ask that question :"What's it like?". Yeah, curiosity had me asking me that question over and over again when I saw new thing in different situation.

Hmm... what's it like?

What's it like when we reach 18?
What's it like when we step into university?
What's it like when we step into working world?
What's it like to kiss someone's lips?
What's it like to touch someone's... ok, I won't go that far. :P

But it seems like most of those subjective questions have been answered as I grow older. I am pretty shocked by the fact that I am now a working man who works in the KL City Golden Triangle. I could still remember when I was living in rural area far away from the "city of light", how I wonder it will be to work in the busiest city in the whole country. It must be very hectic and stressing. And yes, I am experiencing it. So from a "Kampung Boy", I am now the "City Man" who works like a human-like robot.

On the other hands, it is amazing to look back and realized actually I have come this far from where I was. It's funny see how innocent and naive I was. And how stupid and ignorant I was. I'm glad I grow smarter and wiser. Hahaha... And I'm grateful I managed to go through all the dark period or the difficult times. I know I grew stronger and more mature through the hard times. Those wins and loses, those happy and sad moments, those laughters and cries... certainly enriched my life. And still enriching...

Life's been good.

Never thought that I would graduate from a university, got my degree and work in the busiest city, really. When I was young, I thought I would work in that rural state working as a teacher or something like that. I didn't really know what I wanted to be then. Just thought that teacher is something I could be and I love teaching young kids.

But now I am so far away from where I grew up and actually wearing long-sleeve shirt and dark pant and actually go to an office and work. Not a manager or something, but being able to contribute to the society, it feels great. At least, I am "useful". LOL...

So what's it like to be 18? cheh... high testosterone. Wanked a lot! Excuse me! :P
What's it like to be in university? Ermm... bittersweet memories. Expose to a lot of different people though.
What's it like to be in working world? You'll feel numb.
What's it like to kiss? Oh terrible. Especially the first time... don't even know when I should open my mouth!
What's it like to touch... Don't be naughty! I'll be singing Mariah Carey's "Touch My Body"

Is he trying to touch my body?

There's still a lot of what's it like questions in my mind. But I am sure I'll get the answers as time goes by. I just need to be patient. Hmm... what's it like...

Sunday, May 04, 2008

Where Is The Love?

It's pathetic that living for more than 20 years and I still cannot define and truly fully experience love. What's love? No, don't ask me that! Love is... love.

I love you dearly

But I have to be glad though that I have experienced the love from family and friend. Family loves me, and my friends love me. So even though at times I find myself pathetically alone without that special someone who will always be by my side, I always tell myself that I should be thankful because, at least, I am loved, by family and friends of course.

But that doesn't stop me from dreaming to have that special someone who will always be by my side. The white Prince, the so-called Mr. Right, the ultimate love of my life, the partner and the one who I will spend my life with. How nice it would be...

You know, it doesn't help when my mom asked me when will I get a girlfriend? Who are you hanging with? A guy or a girl? Even though sometime she said no need to rush to get a wife, deep down inside I am so sure she wanted to see me get married and build a family on my own. At least she would want to witness that when she is still alive. Perhaps, that's what she secretly hopes for now. And I wonder what will it be if I were to bring home a perfect man holding my hand. Or a gentleman sending flowers to my home where I happily receive it with a sweet smile on my face. Or a gorgeous man sending me home from a date planting a kiss on my cheek (or lips) before I walked into the front door, turning around and saying goodbye to him.

Dream dream dream...

Yeah, I've never been afraid to dream. For I know that's the least I can do to make myself happy. And to make my dreams more interesting, I love to watch romantic movies. All those "happily ever after" movies certainly makes my dreams feel more real and achievable. From straight chic-flicks to gay-themed romantic movies... I watched them all. "Love Actually", "The Holiday", "27 dresses", "Straight Jacket", "Shelter"... that's where my dreams come true. Even though they come and go, I enjoy the moment and I look for another great moment to come later.

Shane Mack - Lie To Me

Lately I just watch the gay-themed movie - Shelter. I totally enjoyed the movie. That night, my whole family went out to shopping and left me all alone in my house. So the perfect thing to do is indulge myself in the not-so-real world. So I play that movie and threw myself into bed hugging my favourite pillow, sat back and enjoy the sweet, romantic movie. The movie has everything I like, two guys (hunky), surfers fell in love. There were complications (yes, that's life), sweet conversations, hot love-making, confusion, some hilarious scripts... the best part is that I got to see two guys lying in bed just gazing into each other's eyes and knowing how lucky and loved they are. That particular part totally won my heart over. I know, that's love.

Of course there's always a side effect after watching that kind of movie, especially for a single person like me. I'll tend to think about my love life and feel how pathetically alone I am. Then bla bla bla... all those negative thoughts... unfairness... just overwhelming. Thanks to my years of practice, I managed to put a shield all over me and those things could never attack me or bring me down. I've learned to cast them away by telling myself that I am good person and I do have people who love me for who I am. If I were destined to be alone for the rest for my life, I know that many people love me, and I can love them all back. :D

Glad to have you with me, darling!

Still unsure of how my love life would be, I simply put a smile on my face and walk one step at a time. "Come what may...", I tell myself.