The Begin After The End

Happy New Year 2010!

I know it's already the 10th day of the new year, but I guess it's still early enough to wish anyone a very happy new year. Good wishes and loves are meant to be spread around. Hahaha...

I actually intent to revamp this blog. OK, not revamp. Maybe just to change the look and feel of this site. Just to have the feeling of 'new' or 're-new'. Apparently my attempt has, again, failed. I started with replacing the blog header photo with a photo which showing my not-as-sexy pecs. How daring I can be! Thought I should put something that show something about me on this blog. Too bad, my pecs is not as appealing as this current pecs shown in the blog header photo. At the end, I gave up changing and put back up this original photo.

I then tried to change the colour of the blog. I thought my blog is just dark. Not cheerful and somewhat depressing. So I thought I should get rid of the black colour background. I like blue. So I changed the background colour to dark blue and the text to light blue. Different blue for the link, the side border etc. However, it just doesn't feel right. Awkward and uncomfortable with the new look and feel. At the end, I changed everything back.

I guess I am not ready to change. Gosh, lack of flexibility and adaptability. A sign of aging? Or perhaps I don't have the good picture yet of how I want my new blog to be. Whatever! This reminded me of the status I have written my facebook few days ago that I started feel the lack of strength and ability to do those things I wish to do. Pretty annoying seriously!

Anyway, about the new year. Oh, it is great so far! I had a good time with ex-colleagues on the first day evening of the new year. We had a small gathering at my house and enjoyed every single moment laughing and chatting. It's been a long time since I last laughed out so loud that it hurt my throat! Hahaha...

Work wise... ok as well. I managed to cope well with the assignment and tasks given. Get along better now with the team members. Just need to put more efforts to build up trust between the team members and me. And I figured I need to be more disciplined. Sometime working from home is not a good idea for me. I tend to spend more time on surf net, chatting, watch drama and porn (yes I do) than working! Hahaha... Oh well, that's one of the 'welfare/benefit' of working in this company. I just need to constantly remind myself not to abuse the 'convenience' given and make sure I do my job and deliver whatever expected on time.

Health wise... I think I bulked up... on my belly! Damn it! I hate it! I want to bulk up on my pecs and arms and shoulders and ... definitely not my belly! But uuurrrggghhh... my belly just can't stop growing bigger! Guess I need to do more sit-ups and monitor my sitting posture! Yeah my sitting posture definitely is the main contribution to my big belly. I tend to hunch my back which eventually push my belly out front. =_='''

On the good side, I hit the gym more often than I used to. Been addicted to BodyPump class lately. Thanks to the gorgeous and hunky instructor. Of course, I initially attended the class just wanted to see he flex his muscles while doing those exercises. Gosh, I once chose a place right in front of him and I got to 'examine' his legs, thighs... (I wish I can go further up to the area between his legs), his biceps, triceps, pecs... Urgh... so 'motivating'! You bet I did a great work out in his class! The good thing is I really did a full body work out. OK, maybe almost full. The sad news is that now he seems not instructing the class anymore according to the new class schedule! Damn it! I hope this is just temporarily. He is my main motivation to hit the gym and work out!

Love or relationship... Hahaha... still single. How pathetic! But I guess I am ready for a relationship. I used to have a lot of concerns and too caught up with many things which I also not quite sure what they are. But now since I am more settled down and got to have a lot of time for myself, I guess I am more ready for a relationship. Just need to stop thinking about the negativity of having a relationship. The lost of freedom, the lack of personal space and time, the questions from friends and family about that special someone, the phobia of AIDS/HIV... Silly me!

About looking for boyfriend/partner, I used to have a very high expectation. He must have great personality, great sense of humour, hunky, ok-looking if not good-looking, can have a great intellectual conversation with me... I was basically looking for Mr. Perfect! Not that I didn't realize my unreasonable and stupid expectation, sub-consciously I guess I was hoping the fairy-tales I saw on TV will become reality. And sometime when I re-examined myself, I painfully found that I am not not as good as I expected myself to be. So who am I to deserve the Mr Perfect I thought I wanted to be with? Then, I will stop looking and thought I should improve myself to be a better person first. Hahaha... come to think of it, I am quite stupid in a way!

Oh well, it's new year. I don't quite agree with "new year new beginning". In fact, everything keeps on going. It's just me that choose to change something along the way on this so-called special moment of time, known as the end of year 2009 and the begin of year 2010. Whatever it is, I hope from this point onwards, things are getting better and better, for you and for me.

Good Bye, 2009!

"Amazing Grace
How sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me..."

This song has been playing in my mind recently after watching a youtube clip about a choir singing this song in a church. The choral arrangement was superb by Eriks Esenvalds. It gives me goosebumps especially when the melody is transposed from one key to another. It really feels like I have been lifted by the song higher and higher.


It is the end of the year, how can I not write something here. Probably my last entry for the year 2009. Forget about reflection or new year resolution. I have had enough looking back dwelling into those bitter-sweet memories or looking forward to see what I want to achieve in the next year or years after that. The past few years I have learned that I tend to dream a lot but never seriously take any action into making my dreams come true. Or perhaps I dreamt too big. Always a greedy man who wants so much more than he actually deserves. I am destined to fail.

However, I would still like to write down something I want to remember. At least to conclude the year 2009 for my own.

The year 2009 started with me being very busy. Overwhelmed by works with new challenges. I remember I never really enjoyed my Chinese New Year. I was too caught up by the project in Pakistan. Although I had taken leave for CNY holiday, I did not really enjoy the holiday as I was too worry about my job.

Things got worse. Not only the pressure from work, the incompetent supervisor drove me crazy. I still remember the appraisal, which was the worst ever in my 3 years+ working experience. I also remember the conversation we had when he wanna check on me after hearing someone said I was over-stressed. Thinking about it make me laugh. Which is good. At least I can now laugh about it.

I guess two third of the year 2009 I was occupied with work and work and work only. Everything was about work. I hit the bottom ground when I felt nausea every morning when I woke up due to over-stressed. I remember I went to consult the doctor and he said my stomach produced too much acid. I have no idea over-stressed can cause stomach to produce so much acid until I feel like vomit. That's when I have the thought of giving up.

The term "Giving Up" is so negative then. I told my mom I could not take it anymore and that I wanted to resign. It's not easy to convince my mom that I should resign. For them, young people should not give up. We should overcome whatever challenges we faced. That's how we grow stronger and wiser. I couldn't agree more with her then. I even blamed myself for being so weak and fragile. And so I endured.At the end, I still gave up! Or to make it sound better, I resign to get a better job with better pay. And most importantly, to work for a better supervisor. :P

And so I joined the new company in September. Gosh my life changed totally, for the better, of course! Not only are those colleagues friendly and helpful, the team lead is great! I really enjoyed working there! I am motivated. My contribution is recognized and appreciated. I gained job satisfaction. Not only that, I no longer need to work like a cheap slave. I can leave office on time. Unlike last time, I think I worked at least 12 hours a day! Now, I work 8 hours only! And like any other colleagues, I got to work from home 2 days a week. Best!

I can really feel I am getting happier. Life is getting better and better since then. I think it can only gets better. After all, I had hit the bottom ground. I may have started the year 2009 with worries and hecticness, but I am surely ending the year with a smile on my face. If you ask me what I did in year 2009, I would say I make a very good decision : Resigned and found a new fantastic job!

"...I once was lost
But now I'm found
I was blind
But now I see..."

Keep On Singing My Song

I was watching the first few episodes of "The Vampire Diary" yesterday and already got addicted to the series. Not only because of the two hunky vampires, but also the storyline and one of the vampire write journal too. Just like how we write our entry and post it on our blog.

It was something about this girl, Elena, has said that make me wanna write this entry. Well, in the series, she has lost both her parents and still in the midst of getting over with the sadness and sorrow. I can't really recall the exact phrase that she said. But what I can remember was that she is trying to be happy but she also scared. Scared that for one moment when she is happy and suddenly one tragedic event will crash down everything.

I guess I can relate myself to that situation. Constantly living in fear and insecurities had made me the person I don't really want to be. Funny as it may sound. In fact, I know it's a matter of choice and taking action on to what you have chosen or determined to do. But I guess, consciously or subconsciously, I have chosen to let insecurities to control my level of happiness and to be who I really am.

I have hell lotsa people telling me I am being stupid and wasting my time. I listened and am pretty well-aware. Perhaps I have never tried enough. Or, it's always easier to say than to do. Never the less, I have to still keep on trying. Taking one step at a time. To do things at my own pace. To be more happy. To be more alive.

Don't get me wrong, though! I am pretty much happier than I was. It's just that deep down inside, there's always this piece of me, which generating this negative energy that sometime overtakes my mind. And I can't help, most of the time, to think back and see where I was from. As looking forward, it's unbearable for me to think about the insecurities and uncertainties that are lying ahead. It's way too easy for me to say "Come what may...". For sure, I am not saying it nonchalantly. Normally, after saying that, I'll just stop my mind from going further. Denial.

I think counting the blessings is what I need to do more often these days, especially at the end of the year.

Lost Concentration

I think I have lost my concentration. I am not sure since when, but it surely has been a long while.



I find myself very difficult to do thing. Even just one simple thing. For example today, I was trying to understand the codes in a program, at the same time I was thinking maybe I should try to finish my case study first. At the end, I only managed to study like 30% of the codes.

Later on, when I was trying to write some SQL queries (IT database term, you don't wanna know :P) to verify something, then I thought maybe I should study and practice on other thing to prepare myself for the coming training in the company. As a result, I need to ask my colleague to discuss with me on the SQL queries to keep myself focus on the SQL queries and not other thing.

And not only for work, when I was driving, I couldn't help myself trying to avoid to get into any car accident. Sometime when I drove over some stones or got into some holes on the road and it cause stupid noise on my car, I would panic and thought if I had drove over anyone or any animals. The I'll keep looking at the rear-view mirror to see if anything happened at the back while trying very hard to concentrate on the front. Sometime I even drove back to the place where I heard the noise just to reconfirm nothing happened. =_='''


At night before I sleep, when I was trying to read the novel, I would asked myself maybe I should go sleep already as tomorrow need to wake up early. Or maybe I should play some soothing music. Or maybe I should watch drama series instead. At the end, I only read a few pages and sleep.

I blame this on "multi-tasking"! Yep, I think I was over-multi-tasking. My brain couldn't stop running multiple processes concurrently. If only one process is running, it will auto trigger another available process to run so it won't waste resource and time. Unfortunately, my brain is not intelligent enough to estimate the resources required for a process to run. So when all processes are run concurrently and pulling all the resources (which in this case is my concentration), the whole system lag, and eventually hang! Deadlock! Whatever! At the end, everything stop! Like computer, at this point, it need to be rebooted. :P


Yup, I blame on multi-tasking too much last time. I gotta stop this. Else, I would achieve nothing.

p/s: While I was typing this entry, my mind was thinking about maybe I should just go google and search "How To Concentrate". Luckily I managed to finish this entry. :P

Heartache Tonight

I was at the Desa Park City Water Front Park shopping just now with my parents. And I saw him. And this time, he was with a girl. His hand was over her shoulder. They were walking towards my direction. I pretend to scratch my forehead to cover my face when they passed me by. I don't know why. What I do know is that I was disappointed, heartbroken and sad.



Deep in my heart, I really wish that girl is just her sister or something. But I am tired of guessing already. Too many maybes and whatifs . More than two years already. Everytime I see him, my heart would beat faster. He never fail to take my breath away.

I remember how I rushed to the KTM KL Sentral to catch the train hoping to stumble upon him in the train; I remember I stood behind him observing him while he was busy reading; I remember him in a polo shirt carrying a luggage not sure if he was going for a vacation; I remember I saw him in Pavilion carrying a bag looking for someone when I was having coffee in Starbuck with family; I also saw him in Desa Park City twice. Each and every time, he took my breath away.



I can't help laughing at my stupidity and craziness. I actually hoped and wished to have a chance to be with this guy (not knowing if he's gay or not) for fucking 2 years. And the funny thing was I never even fucking have the gut to go after him and ask him out! Stupid! Stupid kind of pursuit of happiness.


Haih... never mind. Wish him well. I need to get over this. Taking a deep breath, I need some good sentimental music to take me far far away from this reality... at least for tonight.

I was a boy

I was cleaning my room this afternoon when I found a piece of manuscript paper slipped in between my bags at the end of my bed. I took it out and realized that it was a poem written on that paper. Not sure if it was written by me or I copied from somewhere. But definitely long long time ago. Else I would have remembered if the poem was written by me or not.



Since I normally will post those poems I wrote on the internet (in my blog, friendster, facebook etc), I then went online to search those sites to clarify if it was a poem written by myself. After surfing through some sites, I actually stopped at one of my old blog and found an entry which brought me back to one of those days when I was crazily in love with a friend (Yes, straight and now married).

We used to text each other so often that some times I thought we were, you know, in a relationship. Hahahaha... We text about anything. I remember I was in a park and saw a turtle swimming in the pool, and I just sms him and saying that I saw that turtle and it maks me feel great. And I remember some time, we will just sms each other just to greet good night before we head to bed. Little did I know, to him, it was just merely a good gesture to a very good friend. Obviously I thought it was different.

So sometime, when I messaged him and he never replied, I would feel terrible. Wondering what happened and what went wrong. He got tired of me or he didn't receive my sms. Then I would need to scold myself that he has no obligation to reply my sms. And sometime he replied late either he was busy or his phone was running out of credit. But I remember those days. Looking back, I find myself so innocent and naive that I can't help laughing at my stupidity.

Well, there was this one time when I did not receive sms from him and I used to recite this poem written by Tagore to console myself :

If thou speakest not
I will fill my heart with thy silence and endure it.
I will keep still and wait like the night
with starry vigil and its head bent low with patience.
The morning will surely come, the darkness will vanish,
and thy voice pour down in golden streams
breaking through the sky.
Then thy words will take wings in songs
from every one of my birds' nests,
and thy melodies will break forth in flowers
in all my forest groves.

~ Rabindranath Tagore

It was actually a very beautiful poem. Who knows how long I reread this poem within my heart while waiting to receive his sms, or never did. Hahaha... It was one of those days, that I thought I was deeply in love, but only on my own.


Hahaha... what a naive young boy I was!

I AM THE MAN

Yesterday I felt like "I AM THE MAN!!"


I am not talking about being dominant or being top in bed, you pervert! I am talking about being a person who people can count on to and depend on. Maybe I am still not putting the words right. Anyway, that doesn't matter! The point is, I felt like "I AM THE MAN!" Hahaha...

So what happened?

In the morning, I made myself baked butter cake for the family. I basically forced myself. :P You see, I am a very lazy person! Baking a cake is very tedious! Imagine the flour, the sugar the eggs! I would've messed up the whole kitchen! Anyway, I managed to drag myself out of the bedroom and start baking a cake! And yes, I made it!

However, I didn't get to try my 'product' until today afternoon during tea time. And guess what?! It was not as tasty as I expect! Very dry and tasteless. Must be not enough sugar! And I blame the poor quality flour! Bwahahaha...

Anyway, my family still 'bagi muka' (tolerate) and finished one of the whole cake. Now only left another half. I guess they are just too hungry that they do not mind eating this poor quality cake. As for me, I eat only two slices and complaint like hell! Cannot! Must try to bake another time!

Then in the evening, I went shopping with the family. I had promised my sister to buy her a dress for her coming ROM. Yes, she is getting married soon. Gonna register next week and I think the wedding will be held 2 years later. :P We went to a shop. Forgot the name! And we chose some white dresses to let sister to try. Hmm... I think she tried 5 or 6 dresses. Then we finally decide to buy the one that we like most. A classic white dress with lace. And my sister looks elegantly gorgeous in it! Spent a few hundreds for the dress plus the white scarf!

Imagine when I took out my credit card from my wallet and passed it to the cashier, letting her swipe the card! Urgh...! I can feel my wallet is bleeding! Hahaha... The cashier even made me sign! Urgh! But come to think of it, it's for my sister! I should be glad! And yes, the sister was totally delighted. She even planted a kiss on my cheek for that gorgeous white dress! I bet the husband was jealous! Wakaka...


After that we went to have dinner in a Japanese Restaurant! The sister's future husband 'belanja'! Yay!

We later went to buy TV. Yes, the TV at home got burned yesterday. Actually that TV had been used for more than 10 years. And through out the years, daddy had sent it for repair a few times already. So I guess it is time to change a new one. Beside, the brother had been urging me to buy a new LCD TV. He said, with LCD TV, we can watch those movies we downloaded from the internet. But I know he wants to have the LCD TV so that he can play his games on the big wide screen!

Anyway, since the TV got burned, I guess it's fate that we need a new TV for home. So we walk into the shop (again forgot what name, BEST something...) and were amazed by those TVs on display. I have to admit I know nothing about TV. So, I let the brother and sister's beau to pick one. They finally pointed to the Panasonic 42" plasma TV. Alright, after telling the promoter our selected TV, I went to the cashier counter, took out my credit card again and let the cashier swipe! Urgh, again, wallet bleeding! But this one I am gonna pay by instalment! I am not that rich yet! :P

I was being consoled with the free gifts : A panasonic digital camera, a 2GB SD ram and also a RM300 voucher. I directly request to deduct the RM300 for the TV we bought and luckily it's acceptable! :D So the TV is cheaper by RM300. Yay!

Living for 20 over years, this is the first time, I ever bought such expensive stuff. And it is for the family. I feel proud! Walking out of the shop, I held my mom's hand, asking her happy or not! Of course, she said yes!

When we got home, the brother and the sister's future husband were busying installing the TV. Once done, the whole family sitting in the living enjoying the Astro with the newly-bought plasma TV. At that moment, I feel so contend. I feel very thankful! Daddy must have been proud of me as well! Finally, I can contribute something to my home.



Most importantly, I feel like "I AM THE MAN!!"