Thursday, May 14, 2009

Life Goes On

Another emo-post this will be.

As much as I hate about me being cynical and forever-complaining kind of person, I still have to write this down to at least pour out the negative energies I have within myself.

Life, especially working life has not been treating well these days. In fact, for quite a long time. It started with the hatred towards the project I am working on and of course the supervisor who had given me a lot more burden and stresses which basically brought me to a nervous breakdown recently.

And now even seeing his face, or even hearing his voice from afar would make me feel sick and stressed out. Enough about him. Don't even wanna think about him.

So last week, I had a vervous breakdown. Luckily I did not pull out the knife and cut my wrist to commit suicide or something like that. Committing suicide has always been considered a stupid act in my mind. I mean life is precious and it is stupid to kill it just for the current tormenting period. However, I still need to go through such tragedic period of my life. I know I can choose to go through it with a happy heart instead of griping and griping endlessly. Unfortunately, it is just too difficult when everything just doesn't go your way every minute, every second.

Realizing that I have not been happy and under great amount of stresses since early this year, I guess I have come to a stage where I really cannot take it anymore. So the thought of resignation appearred in my mind. Yeah, that's it! I have had enough and I need to make some changes. If resigning will ever make me happier, that's all I will do. So on that one particular night, I actually thought about resigning and how that whole thing will lead me too. And to think about what job I will have after this actually make me feel calmer and hopeful. I guess it's because I no need to think about my work and for one moment, those burden and stresses have been taken off my shoulder, and I could actually feel peace within myself.

Sadly, the next day I woke up and I still have to go through all the traumas and unfortunate events of my life. And it was a DISASTER!

Not wanting to rush into the decision of quitting this job and run away from challenges, I basically endured for last few days of my stay in pakistan until I go back to pakistan to discuss it with my family. I was too heat up with the thought of this project which leading me to depression. This supervisor was not good in supervising. Other than blaming the exterior factor that brought me so much miseries, I also blamed myself for being such dumb and useless person who knows nothing much about banking system. It's because the lack of knowledge and experience, I need to struggle to learn and understand the whole thing while documenting some processes which I can hardly understand.

In addition, writing meeting minutes was also a very challenging task for me because I could hardly understand what they were discussing. Part of it of course was because of the limited business knowledge I am possessing. Another part is because the users spoke in Urdu languange among themselves. Amazingly, my supervisor could guess what they were talking about (because he know those business terms they used) and I was left there knowing nothing at all what was going on. So everyday I went back to my accomodation, I always have hard time writing minutes. And I always have to spend hours to figure out myself to at least come out with something to be written in the meeting minutes and send to my supervisor for review.

I guess these whole things make me feel worse about myself. Of course, I could hardly get any job satisfaction.

So after back in Malaysia, I spent some times talking with mom and senior friends. Some said I should stay, some said just hop to another company. Ultimately, it's up to me to make the decision. Knowing the current situation out there, I should stay in this company and continue working on this project. But my instinct told me to move on to another company. Gosh, where does this instinct even coming from?!

But I feel better when I am in Malaysia. Maybe there are friends and family here which keep me company and I will always have someone to talk to. However, I lost my passion in working. I used to be afraid of going to office. Every morning I'll fear for the challenges that I need to face everyday. But now, I don't give a damn anymore. It's like every morning, though I hate the fact I still need to go office and face whatever I need to face, I basically have no fear, no interest, no motivation or what-so-ever. I just go to office with the thought of leaving this company soon. Even though deep down inside I know I won't simply resign, having the thought of leaving this company soon give me a sense of peacefulness and hopes. So I still go to office.

But I am no longer that cheerful and motivated person I used to be. My can basically feel my face without smile. I guess my colleagues and even the supervisor noticed that I am not happy. But I don't fucking give a damn. I know this is not good. Showing your true emotion and unmotivated attitude doesn't help you add points in your performance. But I just don't care anymore. I was hurt, indirectly. I was badly injured, mentally. And I had been 'altered'.

I am so unhappy that I don't even look at my supervisor in the eyes. And today, for a long long time, I leave the office at 6:15pm (I normally worked till 8pm or later). I never asked the supervisor if there's anything that I need to do or attend to. And he saw me walking out of the door. I just don't give a fucking damn.

Amazingly, I don't hate myself for being a jerk. And when I reached home, my parents were shocked I got home so early. They just welcomed me home and I had dinner with them. Again, it has been such a long time since I last had dinner with them. Guess this is what I really wanted. To be able to come home and have dinner with family. Spend some times with them and enjoy your personal time at home.

Though tomorrow will never die, at least I know what I want in life and will make some efforts to achieve it. Now it's still early to say anything. I'll take one step at a time. I need time to cool off myself and also find back my motivation to work. Life goes on. And I need to go on too...

Friday, May 01, 2009

Ain't Misbehaving

One week spent in Karachi. Another week to go. Taking a deep breath, I should endure for another week. Hopefully the time will fly even faster for this coming days! You know, I felt like I am taking a long deep breath before I drown into the deep ocean to find something, before I can re-surface to catch another breath of fresh air. That will be when I am back in Malaysia.

In my previous post, I was happy. But as expected, situation get worse when the real work get started. However, I managed to cope. And as I have expected what is coming, I am more prepared. So I was not hurt that badly. Though yesterday I almost couldn't take it and would want to breakdown and just cry my heart out. Fortunately, I managed to chat with some of my friends over the internet and I found some comforts there. At least, I have someone to talk to and to pour out the negative feelings and energies out of me. And yes, I felt better after that. Friends are so important when we are in need.

And I felt blessed actually to be able to talk to them. Normally I won't have the opportunity to talk to them when I am in Pakistan. Why?

Well, yesterday is special. There was a riot in Karachi city yesterday and more than 30 people were killed and more people were seriously injured - Bad Time! Hence, we were asked to leave the office and go back to the hotel and stay there until further notice - Good Time! Well, we still need to work in the hotel (apparently there's a meeting room in the hotel which we can use to work), but I had the internet access to chat with my friends there. You probably might wonder why couldn't I chat over the internet in the office. Because the stupid office do not have internet access. Stupid! Even if they have, I won't have time to chat. I will be in the meeting listening and taking minutes. If not meeting, I will be busy writing documents. So yesterday was special.

And actually I felt really stressed up yesterday morning. Since early morning the supervisor was pouring me with tonnes of workloads that I should finish this up by this date and settle that one by that date. Great! And I was not feeling well, actually. The feelings of over-stressed hit me again, till I felt tensed and nausea. Then the news of riot arrived, and we were still in the meeting which was held for four fucking hours! After the meeting, we immediately head back to our hotel and settled there.

That's when I saw a few friends online and started to chat with them with my supervisor sitting in front of me. Ah, as if I care! So we were exchanging our traumatic experiences working overseas (I also have colleagues who are working in another country), and start cursing and griping and complaining! Hahaha... I started to realize I used a lot of bad words when talking to them. We were so stressed and felt that we are treated unfairly that we need to curse with those vulgar words. As if by saying those words, the negativity within us will be pulled out. And yes, we felt better indeed after that. We sounded crazy but we understood why we behave in a way that we should not behave. We were "unbalance"! Simple as that!

The fun part was I was cursing and cursing in front of the supervisor and he didn't know anything. Bwahahaha... I was basically "front-stabing"! Who said I am kind and innocent?

I know I know. Cursing and griping is fucking annoying! But if that's how I will feel better and at least feel less stress and less tensed, that's what I am gonna do. Until I find a better way to release my stresses and tensions.

For I am officially a fucked-up man, who you don't want to mess up with!