Friday, January 21, 2011

It's hard for me to say... Hi?

I didn't even have the gut to say Hi! What's wrong with me? I hate myself.


I think I am beginning to lose my people skill and slowly become anti social. I blame my job which requires me to work in office/home without the need to meet client or attend meeting regularly. Gradually, my people skill start to deteriorate and I can't even say Hi to a not-so-complete stranger. Yes, it is that serious!

Well, you see! I was at the gym as usual to attend my favourite gym class. Well there are reasons to why I call it my 'favourite' class. Part of it is of course, I love to dance. I am easily attracted to exercising which requires me to shake my bon bon and do some sexy moves. Another reason, is because the instructor is cute. Oh yay! So cute!

I forgot since when I know him. When I say know, in this case, I mean I know his existence. We're not friends (yet) and we've never talked before. But I can vividly remember it was about 3 to 4 years ago. Met him at the gym of course, he was teaching hip hop class I guess. And I was a fresh graduate who just got a gym membership trying to get use to the gym classes. So I attended his class a few times. But due to work and all, I rarely go gym that time. By the time I finished work, normally it's too late or I felt tired. So I wasted a lot on my gym membership then. Hahaha...

Anyway, I changed job and the fitness centre I joined opened a new branch near my house. I got to go to the gym more often nowadays. And what make things better is that my favourite instructor is conducting classes regularly there too. Expectedly, I try to attend his class as frequent as I can.


One day after finishing his class I went to the changing room to take shower and change. After taking shower, I went back to my locker, trying to put on my clothes. Then he, the cute instructor, walked towards me. I could feel my heart was racing. "Why is he walking towards me? He recognized me?" I kept asking stupid questions. He stopped besides me and unlock his locker. Oh, then I realized his locker was just beside me.

Minding my own business (putting on my clothes that was), I kept asking myself what should I do? Should I say Hi? Or should I not? What should I say? Hi? Hello? Or just smile? Or what? While busy figuring out the answers to my stupid questions, my eyes could not stop peeping at the cute instructor who was changing beside me. Of course I did not stare at him like a pervert. But yes, I did take a peek at his well-shaped body! I mean, come on, cute guy with a great body, who doesn't want a look (or appreciated)?


I didn't know what I was doing (luckily no drooling) and by the time I came back to my senses, I had already put on my clothes, packed up my gym bag and unwilling stepped away and got out of the changing room. Urgh, I hate myself. Then I told myself, next time if I got the chance, I should say Hi!

And the opportunity came again the following week, I was trying to made up my hair when he suddenly came out of nowhere and took up the hair-dryer beside me to dry his hair. I was so shocked and panicked that I quickly got my hair done, packed up my gym bag and stepped out of the changing room as if I saw an alien. I immediately regretted after that.

Seriously, he is just a cute instructor who I was trying to befriend with and yet I can be so freaking shy and panicked that I cannot keep my cool and act normal. I can already imagine when I see a cute hot guy and/or a potential boyfriend kinda guy, I think I would run away or jump into the sea before they could approach me.

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And you ask me why I am still single?

Monday, January 10, 2011

My Kind of Midlife Crisis

Still remember I posted a status message on Facebook that read something like this :"Mid-life crisis?!"

Yes it was a question mark. Because I am not so sure. What is midlife crisis actually? Where you are getting old and have lotsa problems? Problems like struggling to take care of your parents whose health are obviously deteriorating and also the children who are growing faster than you thought and all the troubles they would bring. And yet, you find yourself pathetically struggling with your own life with your own problems without much achievement to prove yourself your are doing fine.

Oh well, if that is midlife crisis, then yes I would say I am almost there. Of course, being gay and still single, I don't have any children to worry over (which probably save me from most of the troubles already, as you would think). But unfortunately, not having children does give you some other troubles. The pressure from relatives and friends asking where is "the other half"? I could not always give the same answer like "still haven't found the right one", as they would enthusiastically introduce some fair maiden to match you up with. Luckily I have not come into those situation yet. But of course a lot of friends really offer me that kind of "match making service" which I kindly (some not very kindly) declined.

Of course that's not all. Since I am not dating, oh hold on, there's nothing to do with me dating or not. Because if I were to date someone, I think I couldn't let my parents nor my family know (as long as I am still hiding in the closet). Anyway, since I am not dating, I somehow ended up being the guardian angel of the parents. The duty of taking care of my parents fall heavily on my shoulder. Not that my siblings don't take care of them, but they could easily get away with reasons like "I need to go accompany my girlfriend" or "I need to go shopping with the hubby" and off they go. Not that I can't do the same, but being with my parents most of the time, I saw the sadness in their eyes when they know that their children couldn't spend some times to be with them.

So, being the single one, I have got to accompany them and keep them happy. And with my parents getting old, I can only see things are gonna be more difficult. For example, recently my mom accidentally slipped and fell down on the floor and hurt her right arms. She couldn't do most of her daily house chores as she is right-handed person. Being the one who work from home, I have to witness daily how she struggled to use her left arm instead to do all the work. Sometime she forgot and she use her right arm which make her feel apain. Even though now her right arms is getting better now, she will still feel a little sore when she use her right arms to do heavy work or carry heavy thing. Then my father has got his own health problem also which I am way too lazy to type and explain it here. Anyway, the parents are getting old and they need more assistance in doing everything.

Enough about parents. Look at myself, so what have I achieved so far? Thankfully I still got a job with steady income. Got a car which I still need to pay up the monthly installment for the next few years. Basically I still have the basic necessity. But having friends invite me over to their wedding dinner or house warming doesn't help seriously.

I can't recall exactly how many wedding dinner I have attended in year 2010. I am sure they are more than 6! Not that I hate people getting married or what, I am happy for those friends who finally found their true love and step into the next stage of their life. But it is taxing when a few wedding dinner happened in the same month. Just in December 2010, I have 4 wedding invitations! It doesn't help when you were seated on a table with all of them are couples. "Oh you come alone? Didn't bring your girlfriend or wife? Oh you're still single? How come?" I normally just smiled. Little did they know that those questions are like knives stabbing in my heart. As if being gay is easy. Oh please don't make me go touch that topic.

And lately I was invited to attend some friend's house warming too. Oh the landed property, the designer-designed studio suite, good enough to question myself why am I still staying under the same roof with my parents! People works so many years and they finally get their own house. Me? Just a car. Perhaps I should not compare myself with others. But looking at the joy of them having their own sanctuary make me envy them a lot. Like A LOT!

Oh well, everyone has their own problems. Just need to be optimistic and get those problem resolved one by one. I don't know what lies ahead for me in year 2011. I hope it's a good year. At least I got myself a great gift for the new year - MacBook Pro! And this entry is written using my new toy. Expect more entries on my blog this year.

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Happy New Year 2011 everyone!