It was something about this girl, Elena, has said that make me wanna write this entry. Well, in the series, she has lost both her parents and still in the midst of getting over with the sadness and sorrow. I can't really recall the exact phrase that she said. But what I can remember was that she is trying to be happy but she also scared. Scared that for one moment when she is happy and suddenly one tragedic event will crash down everything.
I guess I can relate myself to that situation. Constantly living in fear and insecurities had made me the person I don't really want to be. Funny as it may sound. In fact, I know it's a matter of choice and taking action on to what you have chosen or determined to do. But I guess, consciously or subconsciously, I have chosen to let insecurities to control my level of happiness and to be who I really am.
I have hell lotsa people telling me I am being stupid and wasting my time. I listened and am pretty well-aware. Perhaps I have never tried enough. Or, it's always easier to say than to do. Never the less, I have to still keep on trying. Taking one step at a time. To do things at my own pace. To be more happy. To be more alive.
Don't get me wrong, though! I am pretty much happier than I was. It's just that deep down inside, there's always this piece of me, which generating this negative energy that sometime overtakes my mind. And I can't help, most of the time, to think back and see where I was from. As looking forward, it's unbearable for me to think about the insecurities and uncertainties that are lying ahead. It's way too easy for me to say "Come what may...". For sure, I am not saying it nonchalantly. Normally, after saying that, I'll just stop my mind from going further. Denial.
I think counting the blessings is what I need to do more often these days, especially at the end of the year.