Thursday, November 29, 2007


I think I am a very emotional person ever since young. And I think I kinda enjoy being emotional. Well, you see, I was well-known being the one who cry a lot when I was a kid. I still remember being laughed at when I was holding hand with my cousin sister (forgot for what reason) and I ended up crying out of humiliation. The next thing I remember was I lost in a quiz contest and I fucking cried.

I'm sad. Will you cheer me up a bit?

While listening to songs in the monorail train this morning, I suddenly felt the urge to cry. Just feel like being sad. I could easily find thousands of reasons for being sad. Yeap, it is THAT EASY to be sad really in this cold harsh world. Not that crying is not good. I think I indulged myself in self-pity-ness. Blaming the world and life treated me very unkindly.

And I sometime like to weep alone in the room in the dark. (Why suddenly I feel I should admit myself to the mental hospital?!) Oh, call me gay, fag, queer or homo, but I don't give a fucking damn. I sometime purposely look for a good saddening movie to watch, so that I could drop my tears without making others feel that I am weird. And watching brothers and sisters is one of the way for me to do so. (Damn it, I just managed to finished downloading the latest episode this morning!)

And why is it so difficult to find some reasons to be happy?! Hmm... I think I can be happy anytime. By then I will acting like a stupid bunny smiling to myself and laughing for no reason. Oh yes I do that a lot. Ask my colleagues and they will surely agree that I sometime smiling or laughing for no reason. And I laugh out really LOUD! And in high pitch too! I think it's because of me being the tenor in the choir. And I think I can join the soprano too. Yes I think I could be the backup for sopranos. I have had 'good' vocal training in my early childhood practicing soprano's songs.

Oops! Did I laugh out too loud?!

Having said that, I better not laugh and keep my mouth shut. Maybe just smile or giggle a bit. Duh, laugh or cry, so difficult?!

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

I Had A Bad Day

Sometime things just go against your will. No matter how nicely you plan your day, It just doesn't go where it supposed to be. And that's sickening! Frustrating! And it make me furious!

Never ever plan!

I woke up early trying to catch the early train so that I might be able to stumble upon someone in the commuter train. And yes I managed to be there at the station earlier. Unfortunately, when the train arrived, I was shocked to see the train was so crowded that all the people were sandwiched among themselves. One of the early scheduled train must had been canceled. Otherwise, this train wouldn't be that full.

Even when the train open its doors, I could see that those people were almost gonna burst out of the train, but a few desperate passengers managed to still squeezed inside to that already full train. And as for me, I could only standing there cursing deep inside my heart until the cow comes home. And looking at the train closed its doors and moving was disheartening. It means the chance to see him has gone. Fuck!

Never mind.

I didn't have to wait long for another train to arrive. And yes I reached my office a little bit late. Thanks to that stupid KTM commuter.

And I thought I could enjoy a little peaceful morning in the office settling some of my things before I face the challenging day. Unfortunately, customer called and I need to be there immediately. Fine, having not much choice, I put down all my stuff in hands and rushed out of the office to see that Queen-Elizabeth-like customer. Even though everything went well there, but I have more things to be done from there. And I was expect to finish it by the end of the day. I was so tensed and stressed up. I think I might be having high-blood pressure.

So, the whole afternoon I was busy coding and programming, adding new features and system customization. I must finish it by today. The UAT has been taking too much time. I must cut it short. Otherwise, customer from the other department will make noise. And when their boss heard complaints from their staff, my boss will be alerted, and I will be questioned. That political chain. Goodness! I hate it!

And that's not all. Being able to finish work by 7pm. I thought I could catch the monorail again to reach KL Sentral by 7:30pm so that I might have the chance to have a glance of him. And by the time I reached down at the lobby of my office building, I was pissed to see that it was raining! And I looked at my watch, it's already 7:25pm. By the time I reached KL Sentral, he must have gone. I turned around and headed back to my office to join my colleague for dinner.

That's life!

My bad hair day? Maybe. But I think I've got used to it. Working life like this sucks!

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

He did it again

Today is nice. Not only because I got to 'blame' Alex and Jason and Jason (Jr) for having a good day, I've also got the chance to meet Paul. Just nice! But those are not the things that make my day today.

It was around 7:30pm, I rushed myself to the KL Sentral and squeezing with other people to get inside the crowded train, sweating like hell. Standing in the train eager to get to my destination where my sister was waiting for me to pick me up and bring me home, I was listening to songs with my cellphone to keep myself entertained. Right before the station that I was supposed to get off, I turned around and saw him standing not so far away from me. He was wearing white shirt. I find myself singing "I can hear the bell..." deep inside my heart. Damn, he is still that fucking gorgeous! And screw that come what may, whenever I saw him, he fucking takes my breath away...

What a beautiful sight!

And today I ain't gonna write anything more. Coz my heart is beating fast and my mind is full of images of him now. A lot of maybes and whatifs... It's gonna be another sleepless night...

"I can hear the bells... well, don't you hear 'em chime... can't you feel my heartbeat keeping perfect time... and all because he..."

Monday, November 26, 2007

I don't know

I don't know what to write. So don't bother reading. I don't feel like working anymore. I think I want to study because study have so much free time. Working is like doing stupid thing over and over again. And it seems that no matter how many problems I have solved, there will always be new one coming in. And doing it over and over again makes me sick! I feel like vomit!

What am I doing?!

But if I don't work, I don't know what else I can do. I think I should play piano. No, my skill is getting worse. Maybe I should go sing. No, my singing skill is still under that amateur category. I don't know what to do. So I better not do anything. See! I can't seem to find something that I really like to do. And watching movies doesn't help to fill the emptiness I feel inside. No matter how funny the movie may be, I laugh and then I forget why I laugh. If I watch sad movie, I cried and then I find myself stupid once I wiped away my tears.

What happened to me?!

I think I am wasting my time and my life. I could have done so many wonderful things in life. Yet, I don't know what I want to do. I am lazy. I am stupid. I am useless. Even sleeping in the bed is boring for me. Hell, I woke up 3am in the early morning wondering what should I do then. Fuck, even surfing on porn sites hardly give me any thrill! More or less like a zombie already.

After typing for a few paragraph, I still don't know what I want. And I do not know what I want. I don't know what to do. And I don't know what I should do next. I am fucked up. I think I still don't know what to do. I guess this is most probably be the stupidest post ever posted in my blog. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do.


I don't know what to do...

Saturday, November 24, 2007

Bedroom Cleaning

Cock-roach crawling on the floor in my bedroom...

That filthy thing!

That's what I have seen few days back. Using shelltox to spray at it until I saw it turned upside down and waving its legs as if screaming for help. I was still not satisfied. I kept spraying until I felt like I have used up half bottle of the shelltox. I was that mean! Bluek! :p

And I was wondering, what the hell is that filthy cock-roach doing in my bedroom?! Was my bedroom that dirty and stink?! Eeww... What if it climbed on me while I was sleeping? Will I just wave it away? Or pinch it to death? Or will I just put it in my mouth while I was dreaming about eating crunchy crackers?! Yucks! Disgusting?! Regardless, I think it's the time for me to do some room cleaning.

So in this wonderful Saturday afternoon, I have my computer playing Alicia's songs from her latest album and start doing the cleaning. My room is not really big (even though I have the biggest room compare to my siblings :P), but I have lotsa stuff inside. Mostly books and magazines. And of course some other collections. Having too many stuff inside, I thought I should clear them out. Especially those out-dated, aging, unwanted stuff which starts collecting dust.

But I have problem with clearing things out. I don't have the heart to throw them all away. Those were my collection. My university assignment reports binded nicely. I was enjoying reading them over and over again remembering how hard and how much efforts I put in working those projects and assignment. Of course, there are some other postcards, small tiny fashion books with hunky model wearing only underwear. How could I possibly throw them away?!

You're not gonna throw me away, are you?

Magazines. Goodness! You should see how many stacks I have inside my bedroom. Under my bed there're Men'Health magazine I collected for the past two years. And then I have that magazines for this year arranging properly in my bookrack. Not only that, I also collect NEW ICON magazine. Fortunately that magazine is release bi-monthly, so only 6 magazines per year. And there's no way that I am gonna throw them out! :p That's not all, I have Reader Digests filling up my book racks. Subscribed it since years ago. Thanks goodness, I stop subscribing it. Lazy to re-new, that's why! but I still buy it from book store occasionally when I am running out of something to read.

At the end, I threw out some other magazines which I stop reading or subscribing. Also, I threw out most of my old cassettes. Heart-breaking really! Looking those cassettes, they reminded me of those days when I was still young. Aiks! I am still young, ain't I?! Anyway, bittersweet memories just pop up in my head. Also, I got rid of empty mineral water bottle I bought. I drink alot. Can easily dehydrated! I even found myself threw the big puzzle (a photo of Aquarius) I bought years back which I never solved.

The funny thing is, even I have got rid of whole lotsa magazines and stuff, I still find my room very stuffy! Gosh, books! That's why! The idea of selecting which book to keep and what book to throw is tiring, I gave up in the end. Instead, I took a wet cloth and wipe my ceiling fan, my piano and my computer monitor which were covered with dust! Urgh! No wonder I find those movie I watched lately a little blurry! :p

Hmmm... I have vision problem?

Anyway, there are still a lot of things to be done to my room. Perhaps I should re-decorate my room. Re-organize my bedroom. Hmm... that sounds like a good idea. Should apply a few days leave to do that. And I am so gonna buy some new furnitures for my bedroom. Throw out those old one. Some of them are just too big and they just eat up too much space! I should start saving and pay a visit to IKEA.

Thursday, November 22, 2007

As If I Care

Being an obedient child, many people like me. I was taught to be disciplined, to be caring, to put myself into other's people shoes, to give and to love, to contribute to the societies, country or even to the world. All those good attributes, I slowly nurtured and built up my personality that will be favoured by most people (if not everyone).

I greeted people when I met them. I spoke softly in the most humble way when I talked to anyone. I smiled and acknowledged my friends when I saw them from a far. I helped others whenever I could and always pleased other people wherever I was. Yes, sounds like a Saint or an angel coming from above.

The Fallen Angel

Unfortunately, in this cold harsh world, an angel becomes a devil eventually. My dad has commented me being very mean and stubborn, after stepping into the working world. Being very straight forward, every word I speak is like an arrow that will stab through one's heart. I no longer have those "isi tersirat" in my speech.I just speak what is in my mind without much hesitation.

Of course, I know this will hurt others, sometimes , at some point. But really I no longer give a fucking damn what other will think about me. Of course, working is like being in a battle field, whatever I speak is very crucial. Ain't gonna get myself into any trouble. So even if I was shot and screamed and yelled by my customers, I will still keep my fake smile on my already masked face and nod my head in agreement. However, being away from customers or work, I would just took off the mask and you will only see the most evil sight of me. Yes I can be very mean. Some of my colleagues know it. Normally they would leave me alone when they saw my naked sour face.

Don't piss me off!

And if there's something I don't disagree with, I would just tell them right away that I don't like and I don't agree. Don't really give a shit if that will hurt them. My dad was showing me this wound on his finger this morning, telling me that he accidentally hurt himself when trying to move something yesterday. I just shot back "Who asked you to move that thing in the first place?!" I know that's quite mean and impolite to talk to my old man, but I just couldn't help it at times.

I always blame on the fact that working life has really shaped me into such person. No one will actually put themselves into your shoes. And that you should always remember to save your ass first before considering others. No matter how good or how close a person is with you, you will never know he or she will stab you from behind. I have seen it and even experienced it. Harsh! Sad really! I know that's just not fair to treat others badly just because you've been treated unkindly. However, I most of the time have to think of myself first. Been hurt too much.

How about me?!

I still meet some strangers on the street who came and asked for money and I just waved them away and telling them sorry I can't help. And I don't smile on the street because being a good person will be bullied, such as being asked for money. Damned those money-asker!

I have customers who always give me that unwilling-to-do-thing face. Everytime they see me, as if they saw trouble is coming and that they have to swallow a big tonnes of shit. And I have to endure their unwillingness and got through all their whining and complaining until I got my job done and finally escape from the hell.

So you want to get it done or not?!

I also have customers who are like blood-sucker! They will make tonnes of requests and even though you have provided them whatever they want, they still want you to give more. They even said right in front of my face that they have paid my company a big amount of money and that I should serve them well. Gosh, why suddenly I sound like a slave?! That's not all, I have customers who didn't do their work and when their boss questioned the cause of the problem, they point their fucking golden finger at me!

Yes, in the end, those are still not good excuses for me to be mean and evil. Yet, I am tired of being good and kind. Some people just take that for granted. Even my colleagues.
"Mr. Goody won't angry if I did this to him."
"Mr. Kind will forgive me this time."
"Mr. Talent will do whatever I want him to do on the system."
"Mr. Intelligent will solve all my problems for me."
"Mr. Responsible will finish all the works, so let him do these works."
"Mr. Good-Writer will type the email for me or do the documentation for me."

Enough of being en-slaved!

In the end, I cannot help but being very unfriendly and mean. I unconsciously built up a strong wall around me. Whoever attempt to step over that wall, intentionally or unintentionally, will have to taste my evil stare! In worse case, whoever stepped over the wall, they will have to taste my poisoned arrows that I will shot in every directions. No point apologizing then. As if I care!

Monday, November 19, 2007

The Lone Ranger

I am not sure since when I no longer be a person who follow the group. Ever since I start working? Nope maybe earlier? I guess it started right at the end of my university life, when all things have to be done on your own and that you should not depends on others to help get your assignment done. Even though my Final Year Project is a group project, we still allocate our task accordingly and settle them on our own unless we really do not know how to do it and need some help from the group mates.

I'll be fine on my own

Another reason might be because of the depression. Goodness, it was right at the end of my university life. Yes depression has totally changed everything about my life. I can already hear myself whining "Depression again?! Get over it!", but that's just me. No doubt about how strong the impact depression has shaped me to be a person I am now. You need to get used to my way of expressing myself! :p Yeah, depression made me a lonesome man. That should be the point!

I still remember after I started working in the company for just a few month, one of my senior commented me for being a lone ranger and never follow "the big group". He once asked me to join their weekly sport event - playing futsal. Somehow I am not good in sport and have no interest in futsal. Don't even know how to play. And then he just sarcastically said right at my face that I was not joining the majority. That I was not being participative. I almost said :"None of your fucking business!". But I was still a new staff under probation. So I thought I just smiled and ignored his sarcastic comment.

I don't give a damned! Say what you wanna say and fuck off!

Till now, I am pretty much doing things alone except of course going out for KTV or watch movies. Both my sister and brother already has their "another half", leaving me alone staying in the house enjoying my own space. Thanks to the internet, lotsa movies and drama series were downloaded and that my computer is undoubtedly full with gigabytes of interesting porn-stash for my guilty pleasure. Oops, I just realised I hardly feel guilty for that!!

My brother always worry about me for still being single and available. He even doubted I would be gay as my wallpaper and screen saver are full of half-naked or almost naked beautiful, sexy and seductive male photos. I don't give a damn seriously. Let him continue to question my sexuality. That should be fun. He even told my mom that I might be gay, right in front of my face. A few times. And I've got used to it. Not that he has any problem with me. I don't see he has any potential to be a homophobic person. We are all quite open-minded. As for my sister, she loves to ask me out to go for movies, shopping and try out new restaurants. Typically gay person : female's best friend.

When they are all busy with their stuff, I will be let alone again. My sister asked me a good question :"Do you really have any good friend? Best friend? Close friend?" I tried to think hard. I am certain, none. I have friends to go KTV with, I have family members to go dine in fancy restaurant or shopping with, I have friends who sing in a choir with me... best friend? close friend? I doubt so.

Come to think of it, perhaps I didn't open my heart. Being gay has shaped me into a person who doesn't give and show everything to anyone. I got used to pretending. I got used to wearing different masks in different situation. And in the end, I really don't mind being alone. Perhaps I would easily get tired being in a group for having to compromise with others. Gosh, this fella want to do this, yet that fella dislike it. I hate those games. I would just go home and be with myself and do whatever I want. Even though at times I long to have someone to always be there for me, reality always wakes me up and then I know I should be glad I am loved(by family and friends) and still living a wonderful life.

I am who I am

Lone ranger? Yea, at least for the moment, yes I am.

Sunday, November 18, 2007

My Type Of Man

Since nothing interesting comes into my mind, I have nothing to update really. Ain't gonna do another stupid lame random update. So doing meme should help save the day. And this time I am gonna do my type of man. Yeah, Lotsa photos will be posted. I will try to keep them decent and in-explicit. I said I will TRY.

Since the day I knew that I have interest in man, I always want to have an older boyfriend. Not daddy type, but someone who is slightly older than me and who are more mature in thinking than me. I love to be impressed. I love to be cared and cheered. I always imagine myself being the one who smile and laugh at my boyfriends' jokes (eventhough it might be a lame, cold joke). Perhaps I find myself not humorous enough.

And some of you should have known I am more into Caucasian. Mostly because I watched too many western movies and TV. Not that I won't fall for an Asian as I have soft spot for Daniel Henney, Daniel Wu... Oops, I just realized both have western blood. Anyway, the following are my type of guys...

Yeah, Man in dirt. Even though I am a hyper-hygienic person, I find dirty man sexy in some way. Don't mind taking shower with them! Mmm...

Yes, that smile and big arms would have melted my heart.

This kind! Hmm... I have one photo of him in suit and tie. He's one of those who can be looking good being a gentleman and also bad boy type. Rrrrghhhh.... I wanna bite!

oooohh.... what else can I say? Look at his sexy smile. I want him to drop his towel now!

Sexy! I can only imagine lying with him in bed and having my head on his shoulder while he gently running his hand through my hair.

I don't know this one. Something about him that attracted me.

Sexy matured man! And his body... marvelous!

He's the one I will have wild sex with whole day and whole night long!

Refreshing look! Yes, I love men with that kinda look. Perhaps I am dull enough.

Love his masculine look. I don't mind going out for a date with him. If only he's in suit and tie, I would have french-kissed him right away!

Yea yea yea... my prince charming on a white horse... fairy tale still does its charms on me!

Saturday, November 17, 2007

Random Update

Not that I have nothing to update about for these few days as there were so many things happened and I just couldn't spare out a time and really sit down and type. Well, actually there was time when I could really sit down and type, but I just did not know how to start. Obviously I am not a good writer who can just write things as if words are forming automatically in their head and sentences were formed and paragraphs were structured so well that an article could just be produced within a few minutes.

No I am not a writer. Amateur!

Works have been bothering me very much and I was acting crazy last night during our ktv session with my colleagues. I was not me during that time. Don't ask! You have no idea how crazy I can be! But come to think of it, I really messed things up. I think I have not putting enough efforts for my works. Despite having to entertain billion of customers (well actually less than 10, but one day 2 customers can already make you feel as if you're in hell!) , I still have to come back to my office after 6pm(when it was the time to go home) , and write emails and stuff to re-confirm whatever agreed during our discussion earlier.

Not just that, I also need to alter the program which those customers mercilessly requires. Having not much choice, I have to force my ass to stick at the office chair and customize my program. Oh, and that's not all! I still need to do the testing to ensure the system work fine after the alteration. And that I always do it badly because I was already exhausted! Perhaps that's why problems occurred.

Perhaps I should work harder!

Oh great! Never mind! No point complaining and griping as it won't get my problems solved. I have, anyway, drafted out the schedule for next week and I know it's gonna be a VERY BUMPY working weeks! So wish me well and lotsa lucks, will you?

And to celebrate the end of my peaceful working life, I basically drove myself crazy last night singing like a BIG STAR in that small and stuffy ktv room. Damned the air-cond wasn't keeping us cool as it should be. Despite a few complaints, the staff did not managed to fix the problem and I didn't give a damn no more. Got home pretty late and I let myself watching Dante's Cove Season episode 1 after washing myself up. Disappointing, really! I mean the show. They don't even look like they're fucking when they're fucking! And Reichen? Oh gosh, does he even know how to jerk off? Where are those romantic kissing scenes? Where are those fucking the hell out of each other scene? I hope the second episode won't bring me down again!

Perhaps I can act better?!

Surprisingly, I got myself going to gym this morning. Manage to work on my triceps and biceps. Have to work harder on my chest as my belly is getting bigger! Must have a bigger chest to cover my already big belly! And damn, I found this uncle trying to hint something at me in the sauna and steam room. If only he's Dr Mani, I would have given him what he wants. Thanks Goodness, his 'uncle appearance' manage to keep my cock down!

Being alone in the house today as all of my family members were not at home ( I am lazy to explain now), I bought KFC right across the street and watch the Astro showing Nanny McPhee. Cried at the end. I always love happy ending. After that, I poured a glass of ice-cream soda, went into my bedroom and watched the latest episode of Brothers & Sisters! Oh, I enjoyed the show. Love it to the max!

Right after that, I found myself sitting on the sofa in the living room and turned on the Astro again when I excitedly found out the movie "The Devil Wears Prada" had just started. Another great and lengthy movie! Not so many good-looking guys in the movie. I only found one scene where the character Christian in the movie was half naked coming out of the shower after having a one night stand with Andrea. Well, it's still a good movie though.

I don't find myself work as hard as Andrea, really. And I should be thankful that my boss is not as cruel as Miranda. Well, sometime I really do not know what I really want. And I just let myself drifting away. Follow whatever brings me to. That sucks! I know. Damn I should be enjoying my weekend. But tomorrow morning I have to be the emcee for an art exhibition opening ceremony. Yeah, that's my weekend...

Work again...

I need to rest...

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Night with Flute & Piano

In conjuction with the celebration of National Independence Day of Poland, the Embassy of the Republic of Poland organized a Flute and Piano Concert in Kuala Lumpur Convention Centre. I was very lucky to be offered and invited to join the wonderful event.

So right after my working hour, I quickly rushed to KL Convention Centre just to find myself too early for the event. So I took my time to walk around the KLCC park and enjoyed a lot of eye-candies. Being the naughty me cum cam-whore as always, I managed to capture a few photos of those hunks wandering around in the park.

As I have to get the entrance ticket from my friend at 7:15pm, I walked myself back to the KL Convention Centre at around 7:10pm. I searched around the Planery Halls and still couldn't see any sign of my friends. So, I ended up buying myself an ice-cream at New Zealand Natural at the ground floor. Yummy-licious! I forgot what's the name of the ice-cream. I remember there was double scoop for rum-raisin and top with sweet dried raisin and half fresh strawberry. Hehe... Will I ever get fat? I doubt so!

Anyway, around 7:45pm I managed to find my friends at the third floor Planery Theatre. A lot of Caucasian there! All Poland or Polish! Gosh, I managed to indulge myself in the world of Caucasian men. And most of them were wearing suit , tie and jacket/blazer. All of them looks like those rich and wealthy dukes! Yay, I should have found my future-hubby there. Yummy! I could almost feel I was drifting away... Oh, they offered this vodka drink pretty nice. I am not really into alcoholic drinks, but I don't know why, just now I drank a glass of vodka and followed by a glass of red wine after the show. Perhaps too many Caucasian made me feel like I should get drunk and drag one of them home with me tonight! Oh did I mentioned I saw someone who look like Dr Mani?! Almost wanted to grab him to an isolated place and suck his face!

*Floated away...*

Anyway, the concert was not bad. The flutist is a woman. Yes could see her almost in her 40s. And the pianist is adorable. Not very young but he looks like those very polite and decent man. And his beard make him look like the Santa Claus! Oh reminded me of Christmas is coming soon! Oh I managed to take a photo with him after the concert. The funny thing was he kept on asking question when we took photo.

Pianist : Are you a piano player?
Me : Yes I am!
Pianist : Oh great!
Me : I enjoyed the show. It was marvelous!
Pianist : Good! Glad that you enjoyed it. Thanks for coming!
Me : Yes, please look at the camera and smile, would you?

LOL... of course I didn't say the last sentence. But he basically talking tome while taking photo. Quite weird. Anyway, he's being very nice.

The red wine is making me really sleepy now. I have had a wonderful evening.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

MEME : Gadget Edition

1. What's the latest gadget you bought?
Nokia handphone. The one I used to capture hunks in KL.

2. What's the first gadget you own?
Walkman. A birthday gift from my parents.

3. What's the most expensive gadget you own?
Nokia 6110 handphone.

4. What's the gadget you want to buy next?
None. 19" or bigger LCD monitor count?

5. Do you follow the updates of the latest gadgets in the market?
No. :p

6. What brand do you trust for handphone, camera, computer?
Handphone: Nokia
Camera: Canon
Computer: Don't know :p DELL?

7. Now tag 5 bloggers to do this meme.
I'll pass.

Sunday, November 11, 2007

Say No to Depression

I was watching "I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry" when my cellphone rang. Irritated, I unwillingly got myself out of bed (yes, my computer is just beside my bed) and pick up the call. Strange enough, it was a girl friend who hasn't called me for ages. Anyway, she's one of my best mate during university. So, quite happy to hear from her again.

She sounded weird and reluctant a bit when she first spoke to me. I thought she has something bad to tell me but later I found that was not the case.

Girl-friend : Hi Ryan! How are you?
Me : Good! Still alive and kicking!

Girl-friend : Hehe... so everything good?
Me : Yeah! Couldn't be better.

Girl-friend : Eh! I've got something to ask you. But err... I don't know how to ask... Hahaha...

Me : Come on! Just shoot! I won't bite!

Girl-friend : Emm... I remember you suffered from depression before. Have you recovered?

Me : Hahaha... Do I sound like I am depressing now?
Girl-friend : Well, not exactly. But I'll never know.

Later I found out that actually she suspected her sister was suffering with depression. She told me that her sister has been acting very weirdly. That poor little girl who is currently studying the third year in university has a lot in her mind. She is in fear that her secondary school-mates who hated her would come and told her current university-friends something bad about her and that she'll lose all her friends. She even worries that her friends will not like her anymore and will do something bad to her. Thus, sometime she cries suddenly, and in the next moment, she would laugh and that scares the hell out of her roommate.

Being the elder sister, my friend certainly feel worry about her emotional and depressing sister. She wouldn't know what to do except she remember she once had a trouble-some and weird friend who suffered from depression as well. And that's me!

She told me all about her sister's condition and behaviour in hope that I could help her out in some way. Well, I am not a professional counsellor nor psychiatrist. But I don't mind sharing my experience with her about my condition during depression and what a depression patient really want and need. I thought I should share some of my experience here hopefully it will help more people.

When I was depressed, I seriously lost all the trust and confident in every people. Even me myself. I trusted no one. And that all my mind was full of negativities. What if he lies to me? what if something bad happens? what if the plan fail? What if what I thought was wrong? All negativities. And the problem is I don't even trust myself.

Most of my friends were kind enough to talk to me and comfort me. Telling me that those bad things were my imagination and assumptions. Those might not be true. But I kept on worrying. But I always found excuses to disagree with them. Yes, I worried, I was anxious, I was easily frustrated. And the more I worry, the more I depressed. And even crying out loud didn't help to comfort or make anything better. I still remember I cry in front of the mirror and found myself really really stupid and that Ii was the most useless person in the world. Inferiority, unworthiness, sad, despair... suddenly all mixed up and ate me up from inside. And in the end, I felt numb and the only thing I wished to do was to ignore the whole world and fall asleep.

Well, to deal with a depressed people, I have a few suggestions. Again, I have to stress, that I am not professional and I am just speaking from my experience. As I said, normally a depression person doesn't trust anyone. That's why they always disagree with the argumant that they should stop worry and nothing bad gonna happen to them. To them, they always think that they should worry over whatever they are worrying now. However, keep talking to them. Let them know that nothing bad is gonna happen to them.

What I remember most was that I needed someone to be there. No matter what. There was this friend who told me that, no matter what I have done, no matter what I will be, and no matter how things are gonna change, she'll still be my friend. And that really comfort me. Knowing that no matter what, we will still be accepted by someone. That's really comforting.

Another thing is about family support. Family had been a really good support for me, especially my mom. I once talk about it in this post where she told me that she couldn't understand my actual problem and that she couldn't help me. But she will be there and go through that "darkness" with me. Pretty touched, really!

But most importantly, always keep depressed people company. Make sure they always have someone to talk to. And let them know whatever they're going through is just part of their life. Not all. Of course, once they go through that period, they will become much stronger! And don't treat depressed patient as if they're psycho-path people. They might act weird at times, but they don't mean it seriously. Who want to act like a mad man anyway?! It's just their mind playing trick! So ignore their abnormal behaviour! :p

Anyway, I hope I did help my friend just now. It's sad really to know that many people are getting depressed nowadays. Living in this cold harsh world, you'll never know what it can do to a fragile human. I am glad that I've gone through that. At least I could see myself getting better and better each day.

Before I end my post, I would like to share the following clip with you'al. It's the song from "The Banquet". Love the song to the max!!!

张靓颖 - 我用所有报答爱(Only For Love) MV

Saturday, November 10, 2007

The secret for you

I actually gave up posting today after cracking my head and still do not know what to write or share about. So, I moved on to read some other blogs. And I found the following great clip from Amateurhunk's Musings and it's really nice. I thought I should share.

I would like to dedicate this clip to my family, all my friends, and all the human race. May you be blessed with hopes, courages, loves, lucks and happiness.

Friday, November 09, 2007

Take My Breath Away

"Excuse me! I don't normally do this but... can I buy you lunch? or dinner?"

That's the phrase I kept rehearsing in my mind when I saw him again this morning in the KTM commuter. And who is he? My crush - Mr. Heart Stealer. And yes, he fucking stole my heart.

You took my breath away...

My breath was taken away for a few seconds when I saw him standing in the commuter train. He turned around and saw me. I was fucking sure he remembers me. By the way he looked at me, I was so sure he knew my existence. I felt like standing there forever just enjoy the breath-taking sight. Unfortunately, I was being pushed further inside the train by the crowd and I found myself leaving him further and further.

And for the whole journey I was basically staring at him (except when he turned around and look at my side), and remembering how it was like when I once stood just right beside him in the train. Today, he was wearing very casually. Polo t-shirt and khakis pant. And a back-pack bag. I wonder he was going for a trip or just friday is a casual day for work.

You're still you

We got off the train at KL Sentral. And I lost him in the crowd. Not sure if I would stumble upon him again in the near future and ask the question. Many 'what if-s' and 'maybe-s' starting popping up and ringing in my head.

Damned I missed him already... those arms, those buns, the lips, the eyes, the nose... Alright alright alright!!! Enough already! Thought I'd forget about him when time goes by, and he fucking showed up today to refresh the memories that we had. (Oops, maybe only the memories I have about watching over him from afar or my attempt to pursue my happiness!?)

Guess I'll never forget you...

No matter what, he is still my crush. Hmmm... I shall find some comforts in Dr Mani's arms now...

Thursday, November 08, 2007

Random Update : When I wish upon the star

I finally managed to watch STARDUST today with my family. And yes I love it. Not entirely because of the cute actor, but I also love the actress, Michelle Pfeiffer. I think she's great! She even acted in Hairspray. And how bitchy she was! Yeah, I like bitches! After all, I could be bitchy as well. So, beware of me!

Rrrgghh... Beware! I do bite sometime!

Watching movie in One Utama took almost half of my "holiday-ing" day. Once I got home, I took an afternoon nap for awhile and it was already 6:30pm. So nothing much to talk about today, really.

However, I found this in youtube and I thought it was intense. Some sort like another version of brokeback mountain. Gay affair between two cops. Yeah, let your imagination run wild a bit!

Forever Blue - Cold Case

We're the lucky one

It's a bit sad at the end actually which is why I decided not to download the episode and watch. Life as a gay man is saddening enough already. And I don't need those series to remind me of how disheartening it could be to live a gay life. And trust me being in the closet is never good. Constantly in fear of being discovered. And sometime I just wish that someone fucking pull me out of the closet and let me be dead being shot by the overwhelming critics, questions, humiliation, or even rejection.

Just shoot me!

But then, every time I come to the edge of pulling myself out of the closet, I always have excuses to convince myself that I am not ready yet. And that perhaps it is best the way it is now.

Only in my dream...

Enough of sad story! Now, I should get some sleep and fucking dream about Dr. Mani throwing me into the sofa or bed and sweet talk me to get into my pant. Oh right, he doesn't even have to do the sweet talk, really!

Wednesday, November 07, 2007

Eating Out

I ate a lot today. Yes, I have been wanting to gain weight since like thousand years ago. And I am still finding myself swallowing gallons of water and tonnes of food into my body, yet I am still very much my normal size. My mom always said feeding me is a waste! Every amount of food that got into my body is equal to the amount I got rid every morning in the toilet. Find, my body doesn't appreciate those nutrition.

No body fat!

But recently I have been gaining some weights. Yes, few months gain few kgs. At least I put on some weight. If I just keep eating more and REST more, then I should be able to put enough weight very soon! Yes, the key word is REST MORE! Quite impossible for a busy man like me seriously. If I am not staying in office trying to figure out how to solve my programming problem or entertaining my customers on my phone, most of the time I was off to the client site entertaining customers and cracking my head in the freezing server room to solve the problem. High-metabolism? I think I have more cardio exercise than most of other people.

The thing I hate is that if I stay in the office too much, I'll find my belly getting bigger each day. Perhaps sitting for long hours cause that problem. Thanks to my stupid office chair which hardly support our back. So I ended hunchback and cause me to have beer-belly. On the other hand, if I go out support for too long, I'll be easily dehydrated and my face will be covered with the haze or polluted air in KL city. Of course, I used up a lot of my energies walking here and there. Burn all those fat! Good fat or bad fat, all BURNED!

More milk!

Anyway, as I mentioned, today I ate a lot. I went to Pavillion today with other colleague to celebrate two colleagues' birthday. We have our lunch at Dragon-i. I ordered a seafood fried rice, Shang Hai Siao Long Pao. Gosh, that fried rice was basically look like a mountain of rice on the plate. Well, being a heavy rice-eater, I was VERY MUCH delighted. I ate like nobody's business and wiped out my mouth in satisfaction when I was done. To make my day even brighter, one of the lady couldn't finished her fried rice, and she gave around quarter of her rice to me, which I happily finished them! Muahahaha... and then at the end, I also help to finish some left-over Secret Recipe Mango-delight cake. You have no idea how big my belly was. I was showing to one of my colleague my stomach and that I think I already am 2 or 3 months pregnant.

And our feast didn't just stop there. Since tomorrow is holiday, we all plan to go have crab dinner at Kepong. So we drove all the way from KL to Kepong. Been through all those traffic congestion and we were complaining as if it will make the traffic situation any better. But we enjoy the stupid jokes and curses we made in the car. And yes, we laughed like a whole bunch of patient just got out from mental hospital.

Crab? How about beef cake?

Anyway, we managed to reach the restaurant about 9pm. And we didn't have to wait long to have all our food served on the table. And imagine all those starving men and ladies grabbing those crabs and hit it with some tools to crack it open and enjoy the fresh crab meat. It's funny to see those ladies hitting the crab. I hate to eat crabs really. So troublesome! I tried to force myself to eat as much as I can anyway as they ordered three big plates of crab in different flavour. So used my bare hands and just crack it open to suck out their meat. You have no idea how embarassing when we make that sucking noise to suck out the desired fresh meat, followed by the 'sticking out the tongue', licking our lips to wipe off the dirt?!

Delicious! I finished all the food! Now you can imagine how big my belly would be. I let your imagination play its trick to your mind. Thank goodness I went out support in the afternoon. Should've cleared up quite some amount of food from my stomach.Wahahaha...

Oops, where's my sick pack?

Anyway, I'm full! And I was thinking, will I gain another 2 kgs just in one day?! Maybe I should refrain myself from going to the toilet tomorrow morning. Hahaha... crazy me!