It must be a very very saddening and depressing season lately. Wherever I go, I see sad faces, I hear gripes and complaints. It seems like everyone is not capable of being happy these days. Was it because of the economic crisis? Or was it a coincidence that everyone is just having bad days at the same time?
I don’t know about others. But I am definitely having hard times to figure out why am I not happy these days.
I think I have got used to not being happy.
Last few weeks, or almost a month, I have been working my ass off doing user-requirement documentation. Those days of long working hours and tension and stresses… are just terrible. So last Friday I finally finished off everything. Not sure if whatever I wrote is right or wrong. But I submitted those documents (with total of more than 600 pages) to the project manager anyway.
I couldn’t care anymore. Deep down inside, I know there will be some mistakes or incorrectness in those documents. But I did my best. And I am not given enough time to re-check my works.
I mean, you want me to re-check and re-read those 600++ pages of document within a few days? That’s just RIDICULOUS! Even if those are man2man sex erotic novel, I won’t be able to finish them in few days.
Guess what, even my supervisor did not bother to check my works. I submitted my updated documents EVERY SINGLE DAY to him. He is supposed go through and let me know if there is any mistake, which I should correct or do any necessary amendment. Well, when there is no comment from him, I have to assume whatever I wrote is correct.
Oh hell, he never read! I did ask him if there’s anything wrong with my documents… he admitted he didn’t have time to read. Fucked! I am not very happy with this!
Can I blame him?
And after submitting on last Friday, I thought I could have a relaxing weekend with no more worry or anxiety, and I can sit back and relax. Guess what, I did not have my ideal weekend. Especially today (Sunday). I keep worry about what come next. What will I need to face on Monday when we meet up with the project manager?
“Craps! These documents are just pieces of shit! Re-do again!”
Oh, my pessimism and negative thoughts always know when and how to attack me!
Lately I have been thinking, is it worth it to go through all these? I am not happy. Is it because of my supervisor, who doesn’t really check my works, or trust me too much? Or is it because of the long working hours? Or is it because I don’t like to write documentation? Or is it because I don’t know what I am doing?
I am lost. Definitely lost. Lost and unmotivated. I do not know what I really want. I do not know how and what to do to gain the satisfaction, which will keep me moving forward.
What am I to do? I have no mood to do anything. No mood to work, no mood to watch movie, no mood to play piano, no mood to read, no mood to eat…
And knowing tomorrow is Monday does not help at all…
The only thing I know, is that I can’t go on like this…