Old Man Getting Old

Dad hasn't been feeling well lately. I cannot recall how many times he paid visits to the clinic over the past few months. But it seems like a lot of times. Just over the past two days, he visited the clinic twice. I believe he is having digestion problem which causes him to have bloating stomach. His stomach contains so much gas that he could hardly fall asleep. And yesterday he felt nauseous and dizzy for the whole day. He has no appetite to eat anything. No quality sleep and now no appetite to eat? How could he possibly recover from anything?!

My father is old. I am reminded once again when the doctor asked me how old is my father. Sixty-one. Yes, not like ancient old but old enough to be a grandfather if he is ever that lucky. Apparently not. Like I said, watching him being sick is not good. I remember last time when he was sick, he would just take a day off and rest. The next day he will be back to his normal self. Nothing to worry about. But recently, I noticed he needs to take awhile to recover. An obvious sign that he is getting old.

And me being the son, I suddenly feel kinda lost. I have no idea how to take care of my dad. While he is being sick, I can just watch and bring him whatever he needs: water, food, medicines etc. Sometime I even feel kinda annoyed and irritated, which followed by guiltiness and shamefulness for being an unfilial son. Now I know how difficult it is to take care of a sick patient. The constant groaning of discomfort is good enough to have you frowned.

I guess I have got to learn to take care of my parents from now on. They are really getting old. They will definitely need more assistance than they used to. Meanwhile, I will also have to find more ways to keep them as healthy as possible. It's just tormenting to see them fall sick. Right now, I pray earnestly that my dad will recover soon.

He's Just Not That Into You

No, I wasn't gonna talk about that book. Nor about the movie. Though I did watch half of the movie. Yes first half of the movie. Why? It was because I watched the movie late at night. And then I felt really sleepy. So I stopped watching and never continue since then.

Anyway, I guess I had just tasted the bitterness of "he's just not that into you". Well, the thing is I know this guy through Facebook. He has quite a good look though he is not that hunky. We exchanged a few messages and he kept complimenting how cute I was and stuff like that. Being flattered, I told him he is good-looking too (as he really is). And finally I asked if he wanna hang out sometime. He said :"Sure. But no contact how to hang out." So I gave him my number and requested him to send me an SMS with his name in it so I can have his contact too.

I waited. And waited. Anticipating a response from him. After a day, I never received the SMS, nor a reply in Facebook message. I got frustrated. And keep asking myself :"Should I send him another message? Will I sound desperate?" Or maybe he was busy. Maybe he didn't check his Facebook inbox. Maybe he sent the SMS to the wrong number? I double-checked the number I sent to him. It's the correct number. Then why isn't he sent me the SMS? Why didn't he response?

And my anxiousness suddenly reminded me of the movie I watched the other day - He's Just Not That Into You. Yeah, the lady waited for a few days for the sweet-talker to return the call. But he never did. Poor that lady. And now that happened to me. Oh, you know what, that sucks! However, I guess that's part of the game, right?! Like it or not, you won't always get the guy you like.

Guess I have to, again, move on.

The Annoying Indecisiveness

Did you ever have this moment where you really do not know what you really want to do? There are many options and choices for you to choose over but you just couldn't pick one and really do it. Well, I believe many people have that kind of situation. But it seems like recently, that happened to me, a lot. As a matter of fact, I don't like it.

Take a weekend afternoon for an example.

I was like, hmm..., maybe I could make myself a cup of tea and read the magazine. That sounds very enjoyable. And then another thought interrupted: How about playing the piano? I have a few pieces to practice and now seems like a good time. While busy choosing between the two options, I was busy facebook-ing, browsing the latest "news-feed" busy-bodying over people's interesting (or matter-of-factly uninteresting) life or comment or post. And then another idea pop in: maybe I should watch a movie. I have a few movies that I have yet to watch, such as The King's Speech, The Black Swan, Burlesque and so on. And then another inner voice of me suddenly objected and said :"Watching a movie will simply kill few hours of time. You should do something more meaningful and valuable for that few hours." OK, what am I suppose to do which are meaningful and valuable? Cleaning my own bedroom? Oh, help mom sweep the floor? Oh, weekend is suppose to relax and enjoy yourself. Maybe I should just catch up with my drama series. But I have so many series. Which one should I choose? Again, while my head is busy choosing which drama to watch, facebook kept updating me with my friends' "latest news" I eventually forgot that I should pick one drama series and watch. At the end, I did nothing. The only thing I remember I was doing is busy deciding what to do (which happened only in my head) while busy facebook-ing.

Referring to the dictionary, indecisive means (of a person) not having or showing the ability to make decisions quickly and effectively. Oh yes, that's so me in that case!

How come?! Since when I become such an indecisive person and basically wasted the whole afternoon just like that. I could've done something more satisfying. Gosh, even watching a movie could be satisfying. A good movie, I mean. At least a good movie can be inspiring, entertaining or touching. Better than me busy deciding and in the end, nothing. Vain. Void. Urgh, the unproductiveness, the unfruitfulness, and the emptiness are so frustrating that they could be a pain in the ass. (Oops, how come it sounds a bit salah (wrong) here?!)

In fact, I noticed not only me having this problem. For example, during lunch time, my colleagues and I always have problem choosing where to eat and what to eat. Same goes with dinner, family members always having trouble deciding where to dine.

Is it because we have too many options or choices, and that requires a lot of our efforts to choose, to weigh the values for each option, to filter those bad choices, and to re-evaluate all the remaining options we have and choose again. The process of choosing can be so daunting and tedious that we eventually give up and walk away. Leaving things where they are, hoping everything will turn out right. Yes, we walk away and hope for someone who will eventually make a decision, or something will happen and leave us no choice but to choose that option, or just simply ignore it as it's not life-threatening anyway.

I started to think why am I having problem choosing or selecting something?

I think ultimately, I'm just afraid to choose because I don't have the courage to bear the consequences. What if the decision I make is wrong? If the decision is wrong, will I be able to make it right? Will I be able to face the consequences?

Oh yes, life can be harsh some times and the last thing you want to do is get yourself hurt again. So I'm always careful. So careful that sometime I think doing nothing is the best I could do. Having said that, when come to decision making, I've always consider whether or not I would be hurt, whether or not I will be happy and feel comfortable with it, whether or not I have the ability to deal with whatever that are coming after that. If I doubt it, automatically, I stop making decision. Put it on hold. KIV. Unfortunately, it seems like I am putting everything on hold and KIV that I ended up deciding nothing. Hence, doing nothing but procrastinating. It's pathetic, I know!

Perhaps having no choice would be easier. That way, I think I will be much more productive. I remember during school time, I could finish a lot of home-works assigned by the teacher. I'm still amazed by how I could finish all the exercises for so many subjects that we learnt in school. Oh yes, everyone has no choice but to finish them all and submit the next day to be marked by the teacher. Wait a minute, there's choice, either do your home-works or being punished in front of all your classmates by the teacher the next day. But most of us would not choose the latter.

Maybe I shouldn't be too hard on myself. Just simply choose anything and just fucking do it. Yeah, just fucking do it and stick to it until I finish it. I think some time I worried too much and I ended up doing nothing. Yeah, like the weekend afternoon, I should've just pick one choice and stick to it and finished it. Let's say I choose to play piano, I should just don't care about other option and fucking play for at least 2 hours until I got my hands exhausted. Then I can stop and choose another one, say read magazine. I should just throw all the other available options behind my head and just fucking enjoy reading the magazine. After all, it's just to spend a weekend afternoon. Not like making life-changing decision. Guess I've made everything looks difficult and complicated.

Of course, when dealing with life-changing issues, I should be more serious in making the right decision. But I guess for small matter, when there are too many options, just simply choose one and do it. Stick to it and finish it. If it turns out bad, just learn from the mistake and don't do it anymore. Yeah, if you like it, you know you'll do it again and again. That's part of the learning process when we live our life, right?! I think so.

Oh crap, just another rambling post! At least I stick to it and fucking finish writing this.

Sometimes It Hurts Instead

They said in order to kill the pain, first you have to acknowledge the pain and make peace with it. So I am acknowledging it now by writing it down. Guess this is probably one of the most difficult entry I made for this blog. I could feel as if my heart is bleeding while I am typing this. Once in a while I'll put my hand on the chest, hoping the warmth of my hand would somehow provide the comfort I needed for myself. And I take a deep breath, trying to forget everything that was so sweet that it hurts even more now.

I wanted to forget the first day I met him.

I wanted to forget his shyness and sweet sweet smile.

I wanted to forget the warmth I felt when he was sitting next to me.

I wanted to forget the words that he had said to me.

I wanted to forget every other nights talking and laughing with him over the phone.

I wanted to forget the text messages and greetings he sent to me.

I wanted to forget every other things that he said and done...

But,

Only to find myself remembering them all over again.

No, we weren't lovers. We were two individuals searching for someone to love. And we thought there's a possibility between us. And so we tried. Somehow, things didn't work out. Love is gone, pain and sorrow seep in, at least that's what happened for me.

And so I started to hate.

I hate the fact that I didn't know how he really felt when we were trying to be together.

I hate the fact that I was given the cold shoulder instead of talking things out or be honest with me when he gave up on us.

I hate the fact that I was declined to meet face to face to have the one last talk.

I hate the fact that I was treated like a stranger every time we meet again though we said we will be friends.

I hate the fact that I have to see him again some time.

And so I hate...

Just when I barely recover from this heart-break, he has to bring another huge news: He found somebody new and everyone knows it!

No, I am not blaming him for finding someone new. He has every right to do so. But I hate the fact that he did not manage to keep it to himself (or themselves) but made such a big-entry and made everyone raises their eye-brows, which eventually put me into a very awkward situation. When everyone asking and teasing him about his new-found love, what am I suppose to do? How am I supposed to feel? How am I suppose to react?

Oh I smiled. Yes, I smiled. When everybody interrogating him about his new love, I smiled. And I turned to somewhere else trying to hide my pain. I could feel the heat all over my face and it was in red. I could also feel the barely-recovered-wound being cut open again. And It hurts every time my heart beats. Oh how my heart bleeds! The hurt and pain was so great that I almost felt suffocated. And yet, I tried to smile, laugh even. No tear. No cry. I fucking smiled. And then, I felt numb. I remember that day I was driving home after that, listening to Adele's album, wanting to cry, but there's no tears. That feeling was miserable!

Luckily, everybody there doesn't seem to know our past. Everybody thought we were just friends. Things would have been worse if everyone knew we were trying to be together.

Love has once again break my heart.

Love has once again bring me disappointment and despair.

Love has once again throw me into the deep darken valley of sorrow.

Love has once again bring me down...

Having nobody to talk to nor find comforts in... that sucks! I am so amazed by how cold and harsh the world can be that it always have a way to break you and make you fall.

And so I allowed myself to dwell in the hurt and pain for the past few days. Remembering or thinking about all the "glory days" and "could have" and "what ifs". Before I fall into deep depression, I guess now it's time to take a step back, take a deep breath and stand up again. Consider this a lesson learnt.

I've learnt that I should keep an open mind for any relationship.

I've learnt that it's better to start from being friends first, instead of rushing into anything further.

I've learnt that sometime feelings need to be expressed and conveyed clearly.

I've learnt that sometime heart-to-heart, face-to-face talk is crucial.

I've learnt that I cannot be too submissive.

I've learnt that I must know myself better, in order to be better and better.

For that, I am thankful for the lesson and the experience. Though it still hurts, I strongly believe time will ease the pain. No, I don't hate him anymore. He's just another soul looking for love like I do. Like one of my friend said:"In any relationship, someone will get hurt.". Guess I am the unlucky one then.

Casting away all the fears and pain, letting go all the sadness and sorrow, I am gonna get over it and move on. Believing that tomorrow is a brighter and better day. I shall be strong. Please, keep me strong.

The following song is the song I keep listening and singing for the past few days. This song somehow manages to describe how I feel at this moment of my life. Beautiful song, really.

I heard that you're settled down,
That you found a girl and you're married now,
I heard that your dreams came true,
Guess she gave you things I didn't give to you,
Old friend, why are you so shy?
Ain't like you to hold back or hide from the light,

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited,
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it,
I had hoped you'd see my face,
And that you'd be reminded that for me it isn't over,

Nevermind, I'll find someone like you,
I wish nothing but the best for you, too,
Don't forget me, I beg,
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love,
But sometimes it hurts instead,"
Sometimes it lasts in love,
But sometimes it hurts instead, yeah,

You know how the time flies,
Only yesterday was the time of our lives,
We were born and raised in a summer haze,
Bound by the surprise of our glory days,

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited,
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it,
I had hoped you'd see my face,
And that you'd be reminded that for me it isn't over,

Nevermind, I'll find someone like you,
I wish nothing but the best for you, too,
Don't forget me, I beg,
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love,
But sometimes it hurts instead,"

Nothing compares,
No worries or cares,
Regrets and mistakes, they're memories made,
Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?

Nevermind, I'll find someone like you,
I wish nothing but the best for you,
Don't forget me, I beg,
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love,
But sometimes it hurts instead,"

Nevermind, I'll find someone like you,
I wish nothing but the best for you, too,
Don't forget me, I beg,
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love,
But sometimes it hurts instead,"
Sometimes it lasts in love,
But sometimes it hurts instead.

My Kind of Midlife Crisis

Still remember I posted a status message on Facebook that read something like this :"Mid-life crisis?!"

Yes it was a question mark. Because I am not so sure. What is midlife crisis actually? Where you are getting old and have lotsa problems? Problems like struggling to take care of your parents whose health are obviously deteriorating and also the children who are growing faster than you thought and all the troubles they would bring. And yet, you find yourself pathetically struggling with your own life with your own problems without much achievement to prove yourself your are doing fine.

Oh well, if that is midlife crisis, then yes I would say I am almost there. Of course, being gay and still single, I don't have any children to worry over (which probably save me from most of the troubles already, as you would think). But unfortunately, not having children does give you some other troubles. The pressure from relatives and friends asking where is "the other half"? I could not always give the same answer like "still haven't found the right one", as they would enthusiastically introduce some fair maiden to match you up with. Luckily I have not come into those situation yet. But of course a lot of friends really offer me that kind of "match making service" which I kindly (some not very kindly) declined.

Of course that's not all. Since I am not dating, oh hold on, there's nothing to do with me dating or not. Because if I were to date someone, I think I couldn't let my parents nor my family know (as long as I am still hiding in the closet). Anyway, since I am not dating, I somehow ended up being the guardian angel of the parents. The duty of taking care of my parents fall heavily on my shoulder. Not that my siblings don't take care of them, but they could easily get away with reasons like "I need to go accompany my girlfriend" or "I need to go shopping with the hubby" and off they go. Not that I can't do the same, but being with my parents most of the time, I saw the sadness in their eyes when they know that their children couldn't spend some times to be with them.

So, being the single one, I have got to accompany them and keep them happy. And with my parents getting old, I can only see things are gonna be more difficult. For example, recently my mom accidentally slipped and fell down on the floor and hurt her right arms. She couldn't do most of her daily house chores as she is right-handed person. Being the one who work from home, I have to witness daily how she struggled to use her left arm instead to do all the work. Sometime she forgot and she use her right arm which make her feel apain. Even though now her right arms is getting better now, she will still feel a little sore when she use her right arms to do heavy work or carry heavy thing. Then my father has got his own health problem also which I am way too lazy to type and explain it here. Anyway, the parents are getting old and they need more assistance in doing everything.

Enough about parents. Look at myself, so what have I achieved so far? Thankfully I still got a job with steady income. Got a car which I still need to pay up the monthly installment for the next few years. Basically I still have the basic necessity. But having friends invite me over to their wedding dinner or house warming doesn't help seriously.

I can't recall exactly how many wedding dinner I have attended in year 2010. I am sure they are more than 6! Not that I hate people getting married or what, I am happy for those friends who finally found their true love and step into the next stage of their life. But it is taxing when a few wedding dinner happened in the same month. Just in December 2010, I have 4 wedding invitations! It doesn't help when you were seated on a table with all of them are couples. "Oh you come alone? Didn't bring your girlfriend or wife? Oh you're still single? How come?" I normally just smiled. Little did they know that those questions are like knives stabbing in my heart. As if being gay is easy. Oh please don't make me go touch that topic.

And lately I was invited to attend some friend's house warming too. Oh the landed property, the designer-designed studio suite, good enough to question myself why am I still staying under the same roof with my parents! People works so many years and they finally get their own house. Me? Just a car. Perhaps I should not compare myself with others. But looking at the joy of them having their own sanctuary make me envy them a lot. Like A LOT!

Oh well, everyone has their own problems. Just need to be optimistic and get those problem resolved one by one. I don't know what lies ahead for me in year 2011. I hope it's a good year. At least I got myself a great gift for the new year - MacBook Pro! And this entry is written using my new toy. Expect more entries on my blog this year.

Happy New Year 2011 everyone!

Languishing

This is definitely one of those days that I could easily break down and cry for all the reasons I need to cry over. Knowing the fact that "Life can be a pain at the ass, so deal with it!", surprisingly I managed to not shed a tear, maybe not yet.


I was being 'hit' so hard that for one moment I felt numb and don't know how to react nor response. It's like being hit by a car when you least expected it and you lost all your senses. Yeah, I actually felt that way. Until I finally got back my senses, the pain was terribly hurting.

At time like this, I felt tired. Exhausted. It's like the whole world is tumbling down and I couldn't fucking give a damn anymore.

Apparently I am not good enough. I don't know how. Seriously, I really don't know how. After all these years, I thought I've been doing ok. Little did I know that I can be hated so badly that I almost doubted everything good about myself. And, I really don't know how.

Oh well, no one is perfect. I have my weaknesses and many areas to improve. I gotta keep trying to be better.

Somehow, I find comfort in the following song. Let me be emotional... at least for now...

If you could only see that I was not put here for you

To judge me and dispute my in most truth

And after all these years of enmity, envy and tears

It's a shame you don't know me at all

I was wondering

Would you cry for me

If I told you that I couldn't breath

If I was drowning, suffocating

If I told you that I couldn't breath

Those ageless buried recollections

We transform them and select them

You have yours, I have mine, that's fine

Why are we too torn to heal

Our stitches never disappear

I have mine, you have yours, I'm sure

I was wondering

Would you reach for me

If you saw that I was languishing

I was wondering

Would you cry for me

If I told you that I couldn't breath

If I was drowning, suffocating

If I told you that I couldn't breath

Grindr-ing

And so I have bought an iPhone, like 2 months ago. Why suddenly buy? Part of it because of the annoyance from my brother who keep asking me to buy; Another part of it is I really wanted to test how 'smooth' apple product can be. I was told that iPhone never hang, the touch-screen is very sensitive and the responsiveness is superb; Of course, iPhone can download many application (or known as apps) that can keep the user entertained and never get bored. Oh yes, and one of the application I was, and still am dying to have my hand on is the gay-friendly application - Grindr!


And so it was Digi which suddenly came out with this iDigi plan for iPhone that successfully seduced me and I was so weak and desperate I fell for its "attractiveness" and "seduction". I swiped my credit card and am now bound to the iDigi plan for 2 years. It feels like I have had a one-night-stand and suddenly the girl (as if that would ever happen) got knocked-up. Suddenly I ter-kahwin (accidentally got married) and have to stuck with this girl for 2 years, luckily not forever! Damn, I was so desperate!

Back to the Grindr. I was first introduced during one of my friend's birthday party. Oh I was amazed by the convenience and easiness to get a "hook-up"! Fucked, it's really like an instant hook-up. It's so much better than the chatroom in gay.com or whatever profile you can put online. You can instantly know the nearest gay man available (or not) at your finger tips. Just open the app, grindr will scan and find the nearest gay man for you. Shit, for a single man like me, I MUST GET ONE! So that's what I thought. Expectedly, one of the first few apps that I downloaded when I have my iPhone in hand of course is Grindr. Setting up my profile and everything was done like in less than one minute?! Hahaha... And I wait. And wait. And wait. And... still waiting...

Too shy to initiate a conversation or what-so-ever. As if typing a word "Hi" would make me come out of the closet. So what I did was just browsing through the list with all those men photos displaying on my iPhone screen in full glory. Whoa, men men men! Yummy yummy yummy! Occasionally, I received an instant message with a simple "Hi" or "Hello", I would just "Hi" back or "Hello" back. Some just ended there, some followed by "Do you want your cock to be sucked?" or "Top or bottom?". I was like :"What the hell?!"

And days gone by. I did made some friends through grindr. Some are just chatting online. Some I added on facebook since they have it posted on the grindr. Amazingly, they accepted my friend request. Oh yes, some of them are HOT! Hahaha... I eventually braved enough to initiate a conversation when I see guys that I like. But sadly, some of them not are really responsive. Perhaps I'm not their type?! Guess that's part of the whole game, ya.

Another thing I like about grindr is that it makes me feel gay is everywhere. I used to think that gay men are very few in Malaysia. Like out of 100 people, there's only 1 man who is gay. But with grindr, it makes me feel differently. It's like everywhere we can find gay man. I mean the people who has iPhone (or other phone which support grindr), and have it installed in their phone and using actively, I already can feel gay man is everywhere. What about those who doesn't use grindr? I think gay population is getting bigger, no?! Hahaha...

Apart from getting to know more friends through grindr, I also like to observe the people on grindr. Some men change their photo, from showing only their face, to showing their face+shoulder, then half naked. Unfortunately no naked photo allowed on grindr. Else, will be banned. Hahaha... and to observe how far is this man from you. 1 mile? 2000 feet away or something. Oh I even get instant message from penang or even Thailand! How cool! And one thing I find it somewhat scary is that, there is this fella who stay like 800 feet away from me. Definitely a neighbour! Hahaha... I also noticed some people are having 2 iphones (or 2 phones which support grindr). Coz I saw two photos with the same person on my list. Hehehe...

Well, no matter how convenient it may be, I am still struggling to find my Mr Right. Grindr can be one way. But it's still full of people who only want one-night-stand, or just chat buddy, gym buddy or even food buddy. I have no objection to what they want. But when it comes to what I really want or need, I am not so sure if grindr is everything. Undoubtedly it gives me the convenience to get to know more gay men. In the end, it's still up to me to date someone and to see if he is my Prince Charming or not.

So, I'll continue grindr-ing. Wish me luck, ya!

The Begin After The End

Happy New Year 2010!

I know it's already the 10th day of the new year, but I guess it's still early enough to wish anyone a very happy new year. Good wishes and loves are meant to be spread around. Hahaha...

I actually intent to revamp this blog. OK, not revamp. Maybe just to change the look and feel of this site. Just to have the feeling of 'new' or 're-new'. Apparently my attempt has, again, failed. I started with replacing the blog header photo with a photo which showing my not-as-sexy pecs. How daring I can be! Thought I should put something that show something about me on this blog. Too bad, my pecs is not as appealing as this current pecs shown in the blog header photo. At the end, I gave up changing and put back up this original photo.

I then tried to change the colour of the blog. I thought my blog is just dark. Not cheerful and somewhat depressing. So I thought I should get rid of the black colour background. I like blue. So I changed the background colour to dark blue and the text to light blue. Different blue for the link, the side border etc. However, it just doesn't feel right. Awkward and uncomfortable with the new look and feel. At the end, I changed everything back.

I guess I am not ready to change. Gosh, lack of flexibility and adaptability. A sign of aging? Or perhaps I don't have the good picture yet of how I want my new blog to be. Whatever! This reminded me of the status I have written my facebook few days ago that I started feel the lack of strength and ability to do those things I wish to do. Pretty annoying seriously!

Anyway, about the new year. Oh, it is great so far! I had a good time with ex-colleagues on the first day evening of the new year. We had a small gathering at my house and enjoyed every single moment laughing and chatting. It's been a long time since I last laughed out so loud that it hurt my throat! Hahaha...

Work wise... ok as well. I managed to cope well with the assignment and tasks given. Get along better now with the team members. Just need to put more efforts to build up trust between the team members and me. And I figured I need to be more disciplined. Sometime working from home is not a good idea for me. I tend to spend more time on surf net, chatting, watch drama and porn (yes I do) than working! Hahaha... Oh well, that's one of the 'welfare/benefit' of working in this company. I just need to constantly remind myself not to abuse the 'convenience' given and make sure I do my job and deliver whatever expected on time.

Health wise... I think I bulked up... on my belly! Damn it! I hate it! I want to bulk up on my pecs and arms and shoulders and ... definitely not my belly! But uuurrrggghhh... my belly just can't stop growing bigger! Guess I need to do more sit-ups and monitor my sitting posture! Yeah my sitting posture definitely is the main contribution to my big belly. I tend to hunch my back which eventually push my belly out front. =_='''

On the good side, I hit the gym more often than I used to. Been addicted to BodyPump class lately. Thanks to the gorgeous and hunky instructor. Of course, I initially attended the class just wanted to see he flex his muscles while doing those exercises. Gosh, I once chose a place right in front of him and I got to 'examine' his legs, thighs... (I wish I can go further up to the area between his legs), his biceps, triceps, pecs... Urgh... so 'motivating'! You bet I did a great work out in his class! The good thing is I really did a full body work out. OK, maybe almost full. The sad news is that now he seems not instructing the class anymore according to the new class schedule! Damn it! I hope this is just temporarily. He is my main motivation to hit the gym and work out!

Love or relationship... Hahaha... still single. How pathetic! But I guess I am ready for a relationship. I used to have a lot of concerns and too caught up with many things which I also not quite sure what they are. But now since I am more settled down and got to have a lot of time for myself, I guess I am more ready for a relationship. Just need to stop thinking about the negativity of having a relationship. The lost of freedom, the lack of personal space and time, the questions from friends and family about that special someone, the phobia of AIDS/HIV... Silly me!

About looking for boyfriend/partner, I used to have a very high expectation. He must have great personality, great sense of humour, hunky, ok-looking if not good-looking, can have a great intellectual conversation with me... I was basically looking for Mr. Perfect! Not that I didn't realize my unreasonable and stupid expectation, sub-consciously I guess I was hoping the fairy-tales I saw on TV will become reality. And sometime when I re-examined myself, I painfully found that I am not not as good as I expected myself to be. So who am I to deserve the Mr Perfect I thought I wanted to be with? Then, I will stop looking and thought I should improve myself to be a better person first. Hahaha... come to think of it, I am quite stupid in a way!

Oh well, it's new year. I don't quite agree with "new year new beginning". In fact, everything keeps on going. It's just me that choose to change something along the way on this so-called special moment of time, known as the end of year 2009 and the begin of year 2010. Whatever it is, I hope from this point onwards, things are getting better and better, for you and for me.

Good Bye, 2009!

"Amazing Grace
How sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me..."

This song has been playing in my mind recently after watching a youtube clip about a choir singing this song in a church. The choral arrangement was superb by Eriks Esenvalds. It gives me goosebumps especially when the melody is transposed from one key to another. It really feels like I have been lifted by the song higher and higher.


It is the end of the year, how can I not write something here. Probably my last entry for the year 2009. Forget about reflection or new year resolution. I have had enough looking back dwelling into those bitter-sweet memories or looking forward to see what I want to achieve in the next year or years after that. The past few years I have learned that I tend to dream a lot but never seriously take any action into making my dreams come true. Or perhaps I dreamt too big. Always a greedy man who wants so much more than he actually deserves. I am destined to fail.

However, I would still like to write down something I want to remember. At least to conclude the year 2009 for my own.

The year 2009 started with me being very busy. Overwhelmed by works with new challenges. I remember I never really enjoyed my Chinese New Year. I was too caught up by the project in Pakistan. Although I had taken leave for CNY holiday, I did not really enjoy the holiday as I was too worry about my job.

Things got worse. Not only the pressure from work, the incompetent supervisor drove me crazy. I still remember the appraisal, which was the worst ever in my 3 years+ working experience. I also remember the conversation we had when he wanna check on me after hearing someone said I was over-stressed. Thinking about it make me laugh. Which is good. At least I can now laugh about it.

I guess two third of the year 2009 I was occupied with work and work and work only. Everything was about work. I hit the bottom ground when I felt nausea every morning when I woke up due to over-stressed. I remember I went to consult the doctor and he said my stomach produced too much acid. I have no idea over-stressed can cause stomach to produce so much acid until I feel like vomit. That's when I have the thought of giving up.

The term "Giving Up" is so negative then. I told my mom I could not take it anymore and that I wanted to resign. It's not easy to convince my mom that I should resign. For them, young people should not give up. We should overcome whatever challenges we faced. That's how we grow stronger and wiser. I couldn't agree more with her then. I even blamed myself for being so weak and fragile. And so I endured.At the end, I still gave up! Or to make it sound better, I resign to get a better job with better pay. And most importantly, to work for a better supervisor. :P

And so I joined the new company in September. Gosh my life changed totally, for the better, of course! Not only are those colleagues friendly and helpful, the team lead is great! I really enjoyed working there! I am motivated. My contribution is recognized and appreciated. I gained job satisfaction. Not only that, I no longer need to work like a cheap slave. I can leave office on time. Unlike last time, I think I worked at least 12 hours a day! Now, I work 8 hours only! And like any other colleagues, I got to work from home 2 days a week. Best!

I can really feel I am getting happier. Life is getting better and better since then. I think it can only gets better. After all, I had hit the bottom ground. I may have started the year 2009 with worries and hecticness, but I am surely ending the year with a smile on my face. If you ask me what I did in year 2009, I would say I make a very good decision : Resigned and found a new fantastic job!

"...I once was lost
But now I'm found
I was blind
But now I see..."

Keep On Singing My Song

I was watching the first few episodes of "The Vampire Diary" yesterday and already got addicted to the series. Not only because of the two hunky vampires, but also the storyline and one of the vampire write journal too. Just like how we write our entry and post it on our blog.

It was something about this girl, Elena, has said that make me wanna write this entry. Well, in the series, she has lost both her parents and still in the midst of getting over with the sadness and sorrow. I can't really recall the exact phrase that she said. But what I can remember was that she is trying to be happy but she also scared. Scared that for one moment when she is happy and suddenly one tragedic event will crash down everything.

I guess I can relate myself to that situation. Constantly living in fear and insecurities had made me the person I don't really want to be. Funny as it may sound. In fact, I know it's a matter of choice and taking action on to what you have chosen or determined to do. But I guess, consciously or subconsciously, I have chosen to let insecurities to control my level of happiness and to be who I really am.

I have hell lotsa people telling me I am being stupid and wasting my time. I listened and am pretty well-aware. Perhaps I have never tried enough. Or, it's always easier to say than to do. Never the less, I have to still keep on trying. Taking one step at a time. To do things at my own pace. To be more happy. To be more alive.

Don't get me wrong, though! I am pretty much happier than I was. It's just that deep down inside, there's always this piece of me, which generating this negative energy that sometime overtakes my mind. And I can't help, most of the time, to think back and see where I was from. As looking forward, it's unbearable for me to think about the insecurities and uncertainties that are lying ahead. It's way too easy for me to say "Come what may...". For sure, I am not saying it nonchalantly. Normally, after saying that, I'll just stop my mind from going further. Denial.

I think counting the blessings is what I need to do more often these days, especially at the end of the year.

Lost Concentration

I think I have lost my concentration. I am not sure since when, but it surely has been a long while.



I find myself very difficult to do thing. Even just one simple thing. For example today, I was trying to understand the codes in a program, at the same time I was thinking maybe I should try to finish my case study first. At the end, I only managed to study like 30% of the codes.

Later on, when I was trying to write some SQL queries (IT database term, you don't wanna know :P) to verify something, then I thought maybe I should study and practice on other thing to prepare myself for the coming training in the company. As a result, I need to ask my colleague to discuss with me on the SQL queries to keep myself focus on the SQL queries and not other thing.

And not only for work, when I was driving, I couldn't help myself trying to avoid to get into any car accident. Sometime when I drove over some stones or got into some holes on the road and it cause stupid noise on my car, I would panic and thought if I had drove over anyone or any animals. The I'll keep looking at the rear-view mirror to see if anything happened at the back while trying very hard to concentrate on the front. Sometime I even drove back to the place where I heard the noise just to reconfirm nothing happened. =_='''


At night before I sleep, when I was trying to read the novel, I would asked myself maybe I should go sleep already as tomorrow need to wake up early. Or maybe I should play some soothing music. Or maybe I should watch drama series instead. At the end, I only read a few pages and sleep.

I blame this on "multi-tasking"! Yep, I think I was over-multi-tasking. My brain couldn't stop running multiple processes concurrently. If only one process is running, it will auto trigger another available process to run so it won't waste resource and time. Unfortunately, my brain is not intelligent enough to estimate the resources required for a process to run. So when all processes are run concurrently and pulling all the resources (which in this case is my concentration), the whole system lag, and eventually hang! Deadlock! Whatever! At the end, everything stop! Like computer, at this point, it need to be rebooted. :P


Yup, I blame on multi-tasking too much last time. I gotta stop this. Else, I would achieve nothing.

p/s: While I was typing this entry, my mind was thinking about maybe I should just go google and search "How To Concentrate". Luckily I managed to finish this entry. :P

Heartache Tonight

I was at the Desa Park City Water Front Park shopping just now with my parents. And I saw him. And this time, he was with a girl. His hand was over her shoulder. They were walking towards my direction. I pretend to scratch my forehead to cover my face when they passed me by. I don't know why. What I do know is that I was disappointed, heartbroken and sad.



Deep in my heart, I really wish that girl is just her sister or something. But I am tired of guessing already. Too many maybes and whatifs . More than two years already. Everytime I see him, my heart would beat faster. He never fail to take my breath away.

I remember how I rushed to the KTM KL Sentral to catch the train hoping to stumble upon him in the train; I remember I stood behind him observing him while he was busy reading; I remember him in a polo shirt carrying a luggage not sure if he was going for a vacation; I remember I saw him in Pavilion carrying a bag looking for someone when I was having coffee in Starbuck with family; I also saw him in Desa Park City twice. Each and every time, he took my breath away.



I can't help laughing at my stupidity and craziness. I actually hoped and wished to have a chance to be with this guy (not knowing if he's gay or not) for fucking 2 years. And the funny thing was I never even fucking have the gut to go after him and ask him out! Stupid! Stupid kind of pursuit of happiness.


Haih... never mind. Wish him well. I need to get over this. Taking a deep breath, I need some good sentimental music to take me far far away from this reality... at least for tonight.

I was a boy

I was cleaning my room this afternoon when I found a piece of manuscript paper slipped in between my bags at the end of my bed. I took it out and realized that it was a poem written on that paper. Not sure if it was written by me or I copied from somewhere. But definitely long long time ago. Else I would have remembered if the poem was written by me or not.



Since I normally will post those poems I wrote on the internet (in my blog, friendster, facebook etc), I then went online to search those sites to clarify if it was a poem written by myself. After surfing through some sites, I actually stopped at one of my old blog and found an entry which brought me back to one of those days when I was crazily in love with a friend (Yes, straight and now married).

We used to text each other so often that some times I thought we were, you know, in a relationship. Hahahaha... We text about anything. I remember I was in a park and saw a turtle swimming in the pool, and I just sms him and saying that I saw that turtle and it maks me feel great. And I remember some time, we will just sms each other just to greet good night before we head to bed. Little did I know, to him, it was just merely a good gesture to a very good friend. Obviously I thought it was different.

So sometime, when I messaged him and he never replied, I would feel terrible. Wondering what happened and what went wrong. He got tired of me or he didn't receive my sms. Then I would need to scold myself that he has no obligation to reply my sms. And sometime he replied late either he was busy or his phone was running out of credit. But I remember those days. Looking back, I find myself so innocent and naive that I can't help laughing at my stupidity.

Well, there was this one time when I did not receive sms from him and I used to recite this poem written by Tagore to console myself :

If thou speakest not
I will fill my heart with thy silence and endure it.
I will keep still and wait like the night
with starry vigil and its head bent low with patience.
The morning will surely come, the darkness will vanish,
and thy voice pour down in golden streams
breaking through the sky.
Then thy words will take wings in songs
from every one of my birds' nests,
and thy melodies will break forth in flowers
in all my forest groves.

~ Rabindranath Tagore

It was actually a very beautiful poem. Who knows how long I reread this poem within my heart while waiting to receive his sms, or never did. Hahaha... It was one of those days, that I thought I was deeply in love, but only on my own.


Hahaha... what a naive young boy I was!

I AM THE MAN

Yesterday I felt like "I AM THE MAN!!"


I am not talking about being dominant or being top in bed, you pervert! I am talking about being a person who people can count on to and depend on. Maybe I am still not putting the words right. Anyway, that doesn't matter! The point is, I felt like "I AM THE MAN!" Hahaha...

So what happened?

In the morning, I made myself baked butter cake for the family. I basically forced myself. :P You see, I am a very lazy person! Baking a cake is very tedious! Imagine the flour, the sugar the eggs! I would've messed up the whole kitchen! Anyway, I managed to drag myself out of the bedroom and start baking a cake! And yes, I made it!

However, I didn't get to try my 'product' until today afternoon during tea time. And guess what?! It was not as tasty as I expect! Very dry and tasteless. Must be not enough sugar! And I blame the poor quality flour! Bwahahaha...

Anyway, my family still 'bagi muka' (tolerate) and finished one of the whole cake. Now only left another half. I guess they are just too hungry that they do not mind eating this poor quality cake. As for me, I eat only two slices and complaint like hell! Cannot! Must try to bake another time!

Then in the evening, I went shopping with the family. I had promised my sister to buy her a dress for her coming ROM. Yes, she is getting married soon. Gonna register next week and I think the wedding will be held 2 years later. :P We went to a shop. Forgot the name! And we chose some white dresses to let sister to try. Hmm... I think she tried 5 or 6 dresses. Then we finally decide to buy the one that we like most. A classic white dress with lace. And my sister looks elegantly gorgeous in it! Spent a few hundreds for the dress plus the white scarf!

Imagine when I took out my credit card from my wallet and passed it to the cashier, letting her swipe the card! Urgh...! I can feel my wallet is bleeding! Hahaha... The cashier even made me sign! Urgh! But come to think of it, it's for my sister! I should be glad! And yes, the sister was totally delighted. She even planted a kiss on my cheek for that gorgeous white dress! I bet the husband was jealous! Wakaka...


After that we went to have dinner in a Japanese Restaurant! The sister's future husband 'belanja'! Yay!

We later went to buy TV. Yes, the TV at home got burned yesterday. Actually that TV had been used for more than 10 years. And through out the years, daddy had sent it for repair a few times already. So I guess it is time to change a new one. Beside, the brother had been urging me to buy a new LCD TV. He said, with LCD TV, we can watch those movies we downloaded from the internet. But I know he wants to have the LCD TV so that he can play his games on the big wide screen!

Anyway, since the TV got burned, I guess it's fate that we need a new TV for home. So we walk into the shop (again forgot what name, BEST something...) and were amazed by those TVs on display. I have to admit I know nothing about TV. So, I let the brother and sister's beau to pick one. They finally pointed to the Panasonic 42" plasma TV. Alright, after telling the promoter our selected TV, I went to the cashier counter, took out my credit card again and let the cashier swipe! Urgh, again, wallet bleeding! But this one I am gonna pay by instalment! I am not that rich yet! :P

I was being consoled with the free gifts : A panasonic digital camera, a 2GB SD ram and also a RM300 voucher. I directly request to deduct the RM300 for the TV we bought and luckily it's acceptable! :D So the TV is cheaper by RM300. Yay!

Living for 20 over years, this is the first time, I ever bought such expensive stuff. And it is for the family. I feel proud! Walking out of the shop, I held my mom's hand, asking her happy or not! Of course, she said yes!

When we got home, the brother and the sister's future husband were busying installing the TV. Once done, the whole family sitting in the living enjoying the Astro with the newly-bought plasma TV. At that moment, I feel so contend. I feel very thankful! Daddy must have been proud of me as well! Finally, I can contribute something to my home.



Most importantly, I feel like "I AM THE MAN!!"

Life Goes On

Another emo-post this will be.

As much as I hate about me being cynical and forever-complaining kind of person, I still have to write this down to at least pour out the negative energies I have within myself.

Life, especially working life has not been treating well these days. In fact, for quite a long time. It started with the hatred towards the project I am working on and of course the supervisor who had given me a lot more burden and stresses which basically brought me to a nervous breakdown recently.

And now even seeing his face, or even hearing his voice from afar would make me feel sick and stressed out. Enough about him. Don't even wanna think about him.

So last week, I had a vervous breakdown. Luckily I did not pull out the knife and cut my wrist to commit suicide or something like that. Committing suicide has always been considered a stupid act in my mind. I mean life is precious and it is stupid to kill it just for the current tormenting period. However, I still need to go through such tragedic period of my life. I know I can choose to go through it with a happy heart instead of griping and griping endlessly. Unfortunately, it is just too difficult when everything just doesn't go your way every minute, every second.

Realizing that I have not been happy and under great amount of stresses since early this year, I guess I have come to a stage where I really cannot take it anymore. So the thought of resignation appearred in my mind. Yeah, that's it! I have had enough and I need to make some changes. If resigning will ever make me happier, that's all I will do. So on that one particular night, I actually thought about resigning and how that whole thing will lead me too. And to think about what job I will have after this actually make me feel calmer and hopeful. I guess it's because I no need to think about my work and for one moment, those burden and stresses have been taken off my shoulder, and I could actually feel peace within myself.

Sadly, the next day I woke up and I still have to go through all the traumas and unfortunate events of my life. And it was a DISASTER!

Not wanting to rush into the decision of quitting this job and run away from challenges, I basically endured for last few days of my stay in pakistan until I go back to pakistan to discuss it with my family. I was too heat up with the thought of this project which leading me to depression. This supervisor was not good in supervising. Other than blaming the exterior factor that brought me so much miseries, I also blamed myself for being such dumb and useless person who knows nothing much about banking system. It's because the lack of knowledge and experience, I need to struggle to learn and understand the whole thing while documenting some processes which I can hardly understand.

In addition, writing meeting minutes was also a very challenging task for me because I could hardly understand what they were discussing. Part of it of course was because of the limited business knowledge I am possessing. Another part is because the users spoke in Urdu languange among themselves. Amazingly, my supervisor could guess what they were talking about (because he know those business terms they used) and I was left there knowing nothing at all what was going on. So everyday I went back to my accomodation, I always have hard time writing minutes. And I always have to spend hours to figure out myself to at least come out with something to be written in the meeting minutes and send to my supervisor for review.

I guess these whole things make me feel worse about myself. Of course, I could hardly get any job satisfaction.

So after back in Malaysia, I spent some times talking with mom and senior friends. Some said I should stay, some said just hop to another company. Ultimately, it's up to me to make the decision. Knowing the current situation out there, I should stay in this company and continue working on this project. But my instinct told me to move on to another company. Gosh, where does this instinct even coming from?!

But I feel better when I am in Malaysia. Maybe there are friends and family here which keep me company and I will always have someone to talk to. However, I lost my passion in working. I used to be afraid of going to office. Every morning I'll fear for the challenges that I need to face everyday. But now, I don't give a damn anymore. It's like every morning, though I hate the fact I still need to go office and face whatever I need to face, I basically have no fear, no interest, no motivation or what-so-ever. I just go to office with the thought of leaving this company soon. Even though deep down inside I know I won't simply resign, having the thought of leaving this company soon give me a sense of peacefulness and hopes. So I still go to office.

But I am no longer that cheerful and motivated person I used to be. My can basically feel my face without smile. I guess my colleagues and even the supervisor noticed that I am not happy. But I don't fucking give a damn. I know this is not good. Showing your true emotion and unmotivated attitude doesn't help you add points in your performance. But I just don't care anymore. I was hurt, indirectly. I was badly injured, mentally. And I had been 'altered'.

I am so unhappy that I don't even look at my supervisor in the eyes. And today, for a long long time, I leave the office at 6:15pm (I normally worked till 8pm or later). I never asked the supervisor if there's anything that I need to do or attend to. And he saw me walking out of the door. I just don't give a fucking damn.

Amazingly, I don't hate myself for being a jerk. And when I reached home, my parents were shocked I got home so early. They just welcomed me home and I had dinner with them. Again, it has been such a long time since I last had dinner with them. Guess this is what I really wanted. To be able to come home and have dinner with family. Spend some times with them and enjoy your personal time at home.

Though tomorrow will never die, at least I know what I want in life and will make some efforts to achieve it. Now it's still early to say anything. I'll take one step at a time. I need time to cool off myself and also find back my motivation to work. Life goes on. And I need to go on too...

Ain't Misbehaving

One week spent in Karachi. Another week to go. Taking a deep breath, I should endure for another week. Hopefully the time will fly even faster for this coming days! You know, I felt like I am taking a long deep breath before I drown into the deep ocean to find something, before I can re-surface to catch another breath of fresh air. That will be when I am back in Malaysia.

In my previous post, I was happy. But as expected, situation get worse when the real work get started. However, I managed to cope. And as I have expected what is coming, I am more prepared. So I was not hurt that badly. Though yesterday I almost couldn't take it and would want to breakdown and just cry my heart out. Fortunately, I managed to chat with some of my friends over the internet and I found some comforts there. At least, I have someone to talk to and to pour out the negative feelings and energies out of me. And yes, I felt better after that. Friends are so important when we are in need.

And I felt blessed actually to be able to talk to them. Normally I won't have the opportunity to talk to them when I am in Pakistan. Why?

Well, yesterday is special. There was a riot in Karachi city yesterday and more than 30 people were killed and more people were seriously injured - Bad Time! Hence, we were asked to leave the office and go back to the hotel and stay there until further notice - Good Time! Well, we still need to work in the hotel (apparently there's a meeting room in the hotel which we can use to work), but I had the internet access to chat with my friends there. You probably might wonder why couldn't I chat over the internet in the office. Because the stupid office do not have internet access. Stupid! Even if they have, I won't have time to chat. I will be in the meeting listening and taking minutes. If not meeting, I will be busy writing documents. So yesterday was special.

And actually I felt really stressed up yesterday morning. Since early morning the supervisor was pouring me with tonnes of workloads that I should finish this up by this date and settle that one by that date. Great! And I was not feeling well, actually. The feelings of over-stressed hit me again, till I felt tensed and nausea. Then the news of riot arrived, and we were still in the meeting which was held for four fucking hours! After the meeting, we immediately head back to our hotel and settled there.

That's when I saw a few friends online and started to chat with them with my supervisor sitting in front of me. Ah, as if I care! So we were exchanging our traumatic experiences working overseas (I also have colleagues who are working in another country), and start cursing and griping and complaining! Hahaha... I started to realize I used a lot of bad words when talking to them. We were so stressed and felt that we are treated unfairly that we need to curse with those vulgar words. As if by saying those words, the negativity within us will be pulled out. And yes, we felt better indeed after that. We sounded crazy but we understood why we behave in a way that we should not behave. We were "unbalance"! Simple as that!

The fun part was I was cursing and cursing in front of the supervisor and he didn't know anything. Bwahahaha... I was basically "front-stabing"! Who said I am kind and innocent?

I know I know. Cursing and griping is fucking annoying! But if that's how I will feel better and at least feel less stress and less tensed, that's what I am gonna do. Until I find a better way to release my stresses and tensions.

For I am officially a fucked-up man, who you don't want to mess up with!

Enjoying The Now

It has been 4 days I am away from home to the far away land named Karachi. Unexpectedly, I am feeling ok. In fact, it is better than okay. I can say, most of the time, I am enjoying. Enjoying the luxuries in a 5-star hotel. And as for work, I guess it'll be alright. Well, the real thing will start next week, which is tomorrow. So I can only prepare for the worst, and hope for the best. After all, I had given my best to finish off whatever I need to do when I was in Malaysia.

Surprisingly, even my supervisor was a bit enjoying his moment and not as tensed as he used to be. Or maybe we started to get along well after working together for a few months. At least I understand him more and know how to communicate with him. And guess what, he even asked me to go swimming after work yesterday. After that, we went to enjoy the jacuzzi, steam bath and also relaxing in the special room equipped with comfortable seats and a large wide screen LCD TV. We lied ourselves in the seats and enjoy reading newspaper and watching National Geography or Discovery channels. Late at night, we went out for dinner and talked a bit. Most of the things we talked about were work-unrelated. Great!

And last night, before I went to bed and sleep, I watched the "Sunday Night Project" (it used to be Friday Night Project) featuring Lily Allen as the guest host and really enjoyed every single bit of it. For a long long time, I really laughed out loud while watching that comedy show.

And this morning, I woke up pretty early and start surfing. Mostly browsing through facebook to see if I could find any eye-candies. Unfortunately, it was a waste of time. No hunk or hot guys to be found. Disappointed, I went to take shower and took my free breakfast in the restaurant located at the ground floor in the hotel. I ate a lot, certainly. When I am in a good mood, I tend to eat a lot more than usual. And chatted a bit with my colleagues who were there on the same project. And yes, my supervisor was there too.

After the breakfast, my supervisor asked me to join him play snooker! I was like OMG~! I really have no idea how to play snooker!!! And I have never, I mean NEVER, played snooker before. However, I still responded him non-chalantly with :"Sure! Let's go!". I regretted immediately and thought how stupid I was.

Having no choice, I tried to play. But the good thing is, the supervisor was very patient in teaching me how to play. Your hand should put like this, and that hand must be firm, your hand should build a bridge for the stick... bla bla bla. Frankly, I did not want to play snooker. And I didn't like to play snooker. I mean, come on, do I ever look like a sport man?! That is so NO. You ask me to sing, to read, to play piano, I am fine with all of that. But don't ask me about sports. Ping pong, badminton, basketball, football... whatever. NO NO NO!

However, I still did my best and learn to play. And guess what, I only managed to score two balls into the hole (whatever you call it) on the snooker table. And I was sweating. Yet, the supervisor played like a pro. I guess he got bored of playing with me since I am so totally not his competitor. No challenge, no fun! So after two round of games, he called it off and we went back to our room. I was so glad. Hopefully this is the first time, and also the last time he asked me to play snooker with him. :P

And guess what, I have the whole Sunday afternoon for myself. To be a bit productive, I spent an hour and a half to read up some documents. After that, I enjoyed reading the newspaper and watch an episode of "Brothers & Sisters". Gosh, I like this. In a luxury hotel room with a laptop and internet connection, I guess that's all I need to enjoy myself.

And then around 5pm, we went to visit our colleagues who are staying in a guest house. And we were served with chapati for dinner. And tell you what, in the guest house, there are two cooks! And the cooks are young and HOT! One of them is even hunky! Gosh, I couldn't stop ogling at him. His huge arms, tight shirt showing his huge pecs! Irresistible! Yummy yummy! And they are a good cook! The chapati they prepared were delicious! I even took a photo with both of them. How can I not, right?! Hopefully next time I got to stay in the guest house and be served by the hot hunk every day. Bwahahahaha...

Hmm... tomorrow will be Monday. I guess it will be the beginning of a very busy and hectic week. Anyway, I'll worry about that tomorrow. For now, I am going to enjoy every single moment of the present. Enjoy it to the fullest! For now is the best moment I have in a long long time.

*Note : No hunky photos for this post as I am in Karachi and I did not have those hunky photos with me. :-(