Speak. Communicate. Talk.

I guess working as a programmer really keep my mouth shut for a long long time. We programmer instruct the computer to do certain things. We communicate with the computer through languages that non-programmers don't understand. We do not speak. We do not talk. We type.

Yes, thanks to the sophisticated technologies nowadays, we don't speak or talk to communicate. We use our fingers instead. Like a deaf people, we don't even use sign language (waving our hands in weird patterns or ways) to communicate now. Just use our fingers and let them dancing on the keyboard will do the work - communicate with others. Funny at the other end, the receiver no longer needs their ears to hear. They will use their eyes to 'listen'. Whoa! So cool!

Come to think of it, I really never talk for a long time. I hardly communicate with people nowadays by using my mouth. And I find it very challenging now to explain things to people and/or to describe things on the spot using my own mouth. Furthermore, I also find my brain works a little slower in response.

"You're talking to me? No? Er... huh?!"

By typing to communicate, we can take our own sweet time to think over and response. We can even backspace to delete and re-write the correct sentence. But in real life, face-to-face with another person, your brain must be fast enough the response accurately and correctly.

I was having lunch with a client today, with my another colleagues. Luckily my colleague is good in PR. Basically he and the client were talking throughout the whole course. I was there sitting and just listen. Well, not totally quiet, but I was just saying "Yeah. That's true", "Really?", "That's cool!" etc. And I find myself very stupid. And it was very awkward when three of us have nothing more to say and we just sat there drinking our tea and waiting for each other to start up a new topic to discuss. Gosh, that short moment of silence seem forever! Again, thanks to my colleagues who always take the initiative to start a new topic whenever silence sneak in. Shame on me. I only sat there and drink my tea.

I was not so quite during my student life. Always talk with friends during supper. We have presentation in the class and I have never been afraid of being in front do the talking. I even took up public speaking course during my university life. I guess speaking needs to practice as well. And I have not been speaking to a person longer than 30 minutes recently. Even during lunch time, I mostly listen to my colleagues talk about some topic which I don't really interested in. So most of my time, I communicate with the computer. Dancing my fingers my the keyboard like a professional piano player with my mouth closed and ears filled with head set listening to mp3s of my favorite songs.

No longer a good public speaker. Talk to me, please!

I need to speak more. I should find back my uni-friends and ask them for supper. We could talk through the night. At least my mouth will be more useful!

Morning sun shines...

Morning sun shines
ever so brightly
I look through the window
New hopes, New dreams, New life...

Tears

Is it the anger?
Or is it the sorrow?
Is it the over-excitement?
Or is it the disappointment?

It flows across the cheeks
Finding its ways down
Like a river can't find its end
Nobody cares, Nobody knows

Almost Normal

My family was watching tv together last night after our dinner. Yeah, we have a really close relationship among our family members. And I am thankful, really.

I can't remember what actually happened until my brother brought up the topic of me having male photos as my wallpaper and screen saver. And he said that it's so gay and abnormal. He insisted that I should have some cute babe with big boobs on my wallpaper and screen saver bla bla bla...

Well at that point, I felt a little angry and offended. But I kept quite and pretended I was concentrating on the tv programmes. And at the same time, I am also worried of what if they really asked about my sexual orientation. I was not ready to answer any of their questions. Luckily, they didn't ask!

My mom was kinda agreed to my brother's 'accusation' but she then said that maybe I want to be as muscular as those male in the pictures. Thus I put them up to constantly remind myself to achieve that 'goal'. I think mom is trying to protect me. Then my siblings continue to talk about what kinda of photos they collected last time for their wallpaper and so on.

"He just want to be like him having that muscular body someday!"

Later that night, I thought about what if I actually come out from the closet to my family. What will happen? In fact I thought about it a lot of time. Like I would tell my sister first, as she is the person I trust most and she can be very open-minded (even though she behaves 'conservatively'). The I would tell my brother who is as naughty as he always be. Even though he would be shocked to hear that, but I know he loves me as much as I love him. So he would accept whoever I am (hopefully). That's what I thought. After that, we would tell our mom eventually.

I think my mom would be fine knowing it. But I just don't know. Too many uncertainties. And I hate to think every single possibilities. Sometimes, I wanted to just tell them courageously without any more hesitation. But I always ended up telling myself that's not necessary. Or it is not the 'TIME' yet. Sometimes I just thought 'come what may'. If they asked, then I'll tell the truth. Else, don't say anything.

I don't know. I wonder how other gay people in Malaysia coming out of the closet. Can we? I know there's this Malaysian Chinese author and columnist did come out last few years. Gosh, he is so brave!

However, like what I've mentioned in my previous entry, Malaysia is still not yet ready for homosexuality. And things wouldn't get any better in the near future, I guess. Every time the gay topic appear in my mind, I'd tell myself "No use wasting your time thinking about it. You have more important things to do." Obviously, I am trying to ignore the topic. But for how long? Who knows?

"I'm just a normal guy, almost!"

And for that, I have to be that almost normal person I know till... don't know when.

Purpose

I have forgotten the purpose of all the things I do.

Like for this blog, I initially plan to put up a lot of beautiful male pictures. To appreciate the beauty of male body. But then I realize some of the pictures cannot be simply published here (seriously, do I have to?!). Else my blog will be deleted and all my efforts will be a waste.

Are they gonna delete this hot picture?!

And then I thought of writing something here instead. Like writing articles and stuff. I also thought of writing some random thought of being a gay man in Malaysia. Bla bla bla... as if I am gonna do it. I can have lots of plans. But I doubt I could achieve half of them. I hate to admit it, but I am. I am a good improviser. I always tell myself that (just to console my guilty soul).

So what is it gonna be? male pictures? articles with interesting topic? random thoughts?

I still don't know.

I find myself hard to concentrate, since few years back. And I also find it very difficult to get back my concentration or focus. Is it because of my work?! Aging?! I don't know.

Today, I don't know what is the purpose of living the day. I have done nothing productive. And I kind of hate tomorrow because I know I am gonna be very busy and tired, and tomorrow is Sunday. Somehow I know that I will be very productive because I am doing something more meaningful rather than sitting in the house all days watching tv only.

I don't know. I am kinda don't know what I really want. And I do not have the passion to live my current life. Lost my enthusiasm to do something I want to do. Or is it because I do not know what I really want? Damn, I think I do not know what I really want.

Gosh, I don't know what I want!

Pathetic freak!

Don't mind me! It's late and I'm gonna sleep. Hopefully tomorrow I will have something better to write about.

Peace.

I thought I'd lost this blog. Well, I forgot my login user name and the password. Luckily I managed to retrieve them back and here I am, forcing myself to type something again here before I continue neglecting this space of mine don't know until when...

So what should I write here? I seriously do not know.

I suddenly so not know what is the purpose of this blog. A space to hide my secret since I has not come out of the closet. Is it is a secret, then I shouldn't have even write it here.

I am tired. I just do not know what to write. Let's just paste a hunk here to "refresh" my eyes...