Sunday, December 21, 2008

I Will Love Him From Afar

There has not been a single day I live by without having a thought of him. It may be just for a second, but it's all good enough to bring smile on my face. And it's all good enough to just think about him, even just for a second, all my worries and stresses will be left behind.

But I think I'll have to start putting down all my feelings for him. Either hide it somewhere deep down inside, or just simply get rid of it. I guess he's just not into me.

We were there in The Garden with a bunch of friends. Lazy to queue up with other crowd at the Midvalley, we actually decided to sacrifice more money and bought the Gold Class ticket at the Garden to catch a movie - BOLT. Funny how the seat in the cinema seem to be all twin seat. And given the chance, or simply lucky, we were seated together side by side again. Just that this time, it's all a little different. He seemed to keep sitting away from me. Not sure if it's because I scared him off or simply not wanting to create any suspicion to those friends who were sitting behind us. So we ended up sitting away from each other at the other end, in the twin seat. Yea, awkward as it may sound. Though occasionally we laughed out loud at the obviously funny movie, this time however, I did not really enjoy the movie.

I blame on the expectation I have from him. Like we would giggled together. He would asked me more questions. We would feel comfy sitting together. Damn those stupid expectation. And I hate myself for that.

After the movie, we went out of the cinema and he was like walking so far in front of us. Not sure if he was rushing to his next destination or simply wanna get rid of me. Whatever it is, I'll just take it as a sign of "The end". That's it. I waved everyone goodbye as the others still need to stay around and do shopping or whatever.

I passed over the bridge of The Garden and Midvalley Mall. Looking through the glass window, it was raining outside. Sudden sadness appears within my heart. I kept walking. Passing by many many people I don't know. Searching for the way out of the mall, as if I was searching the way out of this valley of sorrow. Yea, I eventually was out of the mall. I caught the ktm train. Got on board. And let the train took me where I belong.

On the way back home, I don't really know what I feel. But instinct told me this has got to come to an end. Perhaps I am lucky I didn't fall too deep yet. And maybe this is for the best for both of us. The truth and funny thing is, I don't even know if he is really into guys. Hahaha... look at how pathetic I am.

Whatever it is, I have decided from now on, I'll cast my feelings for him aside. I think we're better as friends. Yea, he's a good friend. Ain't gonna ruin it by trying to ask for more from him. Things are good the way it is now.

If I really love him so, then I guess I should just love him from afar...


Sam said...

Hugs. Hope you'll feel better soon.

There are many other men out there who you will meet - you never know when you will find someone who will be great for you, and reciprocate your love. :)

*Anton* said...

Bummer isn't it?

Totally agreed with Sam, your Prince is appear, all in the right time. ^_^


Paul said...

reminds me of a song from Les Miserables, titled On My Own.

And now I'm all alone again,
No where to turn, no one to go to
Without a hope, without a friend, Without a face to say hello to
but now the night is near,
and I can make believe he's here.

Sometimes I walk alone at night
When everybody else is sleeping
I think of him and then I'm happy
With the company I'm keeping
The city goes to bed
And I can live inside my head.

On my own
Pretending he's beside me
All alone, I walk with him till morning
Without him
I feel his arms around me
And when I lose my way I close my eyes
And he has found me

In the rain the pavement shines like silver
All the lights are misty in the river
In the darkness, the trees are full of starlight
And all I see is him and me for ever and forever

And I know it's only in my mind
That I'm talking to myself and not to him
And although I know that he is blind
Still I say, there's a way for us

I love him
But when the night is over
He is gone, the river's just a river
Without him the world around me changes
The trees are bare and everywhere
The streets are full of strangers

I love him
But every day I'm learning
All my life I've only been pretending
Without me his world will go on turning
A world that's full of happiness
That I have never known!

I love him
I love him
I love him
But only on my own.

Alex said...

You're making me cry... i know exactly that feeling... oh my... i wanna cry now...

Silencer said...

i understand how u feel. i fell in love with 3 str8 guys in high school and ended up feeling like how u feel now.

let's hope he's gay lor

be happy


Paul said...

Exactly my situation at the moment and how I'm feeling now. Thanks for sharing! We both have to keep our chins up. ;)

Chris said...

Oh.... hope u recover soon.

William said...

Glad you drew the line.

Jason said...


Don't lose hope now, keep on searching.

Ekkonen said...

i was dumped the day after xmas, i figured the new year will my fresh start in terms of relationships and forgetting the past. happy new year!

Mac Callister said...

Im somewhat like that,you know expecting something or anticipating he will be like this and that...but expectations killed me many times over before.

But still many guys out there that will be giving you more than what you expect from them.

tarotism said...


The feelings you have, I had it before too. Always thinking loving that someone from far is the best way, but deep down inside was struggling badly.

Your post caught my eye and will drop by sometime.

Hope you are alright by now.

Peace Out! XD

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