There was one morning I was walking from the car park to my office. There were two colleagues standing at the lobby going out somewhere to meet customer. One of them saw me and said:"Why you look like a zombie?! You even walk like a zombie!"
"Oh really? Sorry I took some medicines and feeling sleepy now." I walked off nonchalantly.
There was this afternoon during lunch time, I was feeling weak and again stressful. Everybody happily chit-chatting with each other. I sat aside listening to their stories trying to fit in. Eventually I felt tired and rest my head on the table to take a nap. In the restaurant, yes!
My appraisal last week did not go well. I don't think I have a good increment this year. A few things that I remember during my appraisal:
Supervisor : So what do you feel about joining this new project?
Me : I am not enjoying.
Supervisor : Why?
Me : Well, I feel that I have had too much things to handle and the workloads are over-whelming. I feel stressful and I think that I cannot cope. There are too many things that I need to know and yet after all these months, I feel like I know nothing.
Supervisor : Well, I understand there are many things to learn. Just take one step at a time. This is a learning process. It will be challenging. Just learn whatever you can and as time goes by, you'll be able to bring all the pieces together.
Me : But I lost my motivation already. And I don't think I am interested in doing whatever I need to do already.
Supervisor : Motivation? Well it's up to you. You like to read, right? Maybe you can find some motivational book to read? Or go for a motivational talk or seminar to be motivated. Or you can sing or do whatever you like.
Me : Okay. But I don't think I am interested in doing this work. When I am not interested, there's no motivation. Eventually, I couldn't get the job satisfaction I need.
Supervisor : What do you mean you are not interested? Well, it's curiosity. Don't you curious how certain thing works or processed? When people ask you about this processing and you can answer, don't you feel proud?
Me : Not really lo. I don't see it that way.
Supervisor : Well, maybe you are an art person la. Like to sing, play piano. But since you can be good in technical also, I think it will be an advantage for you to have an extra skill-set.
Me : Yeah, maybe.
Today afternoon after lunch time, the supervisor suddenly asked me to go into his room.
Me : Yes, anything?
Supervisor : Somebody told me that you are very stressed.
Me : Yes, I am! I thought I told you during appraisal.
Supervisor : Don't be stressed lo! Try to release stress by taking one or two days off. To clear your mind and refresh yourself.
Me : I tried. In fact I applied one day leave last week Monday but I canceled it last minute. Because I cannot stay put at home. I keep on thinking about how to solve the problem and I cannot rest at home. I could not even enjoy my weekend. I even come to office and work during the weekend because I cannot settle down at home. I worried I cannot finish the job on time. And I have spent 2 weeks on solving this problem. And I am still having no idea how to solve.
Supervisor : OK, maybe you can call that person to help you out a little. I am not sure if he knows. But you can try call him up. At least he can give you some ideas. But don't stress lo. Remember to do small but grow big. Start doing the small thing first, then slowly slowly expand lo.
Me : Yes, that's what I did now. I am trying to solve this small thing for 2 weeks and still no output. How?! I could not even bring myself to think about what else need to be done after this. Because I know I would be stressed up again.
Supervisor : OK, no worry! I'll help you to look into it later. But don't stress up lo. When you stress you can do nothing.
Me : Yeah I know. I am trying to cope with my stress.
Last Sunday night I drank vodka at home while online chatting with some friends. I was so high that I kept on laughing which chatting. And talk something stupid shit like "I love my job so much!", "I like my supervisor! He is very capable and handsome!", "I want to smile whole day1", "I am living in heaven!"... All my friends think I was so over-stressed that I talked non-sense!
The next day Monday, I also have the same behaviour when chatting online. Asking people to "Yam Seng!!" with me! Hahahaha... I actually feel happier, even though I know I am acting crazy. I mean, I pretend to be "high and happy", better than being down and out.