It was not a normal Friday.
Early morning I went in to the office, telling myself:"This is it! I'm gonna do it today!" Then I was thinking about if I should do it early morning or later before I leave the office. I chose the latter. So since morning, I told myself to be calm and steady. I have made the decision and it should be the best decision for me for now.
Clock's ticking. While I was worrying what and how it would be, lunch time suddenly arrived and I went to have lunch with a few colleagues. Pretending it is a normal Friday afternoon, we chatted and talked about how crazy our works can be and how busy we will be in the coming months. It's as if we have nothing more to talk about. How shameful!
After lunch, we went back to the office. Once I sat down in my seat, I could not concentrate. My mind was thinking about the "how should I do it" and "what it will be". But I forced myself to do something. Even simple thing like drawing some diagrams and write some notes here and there.
The letter has been printed out earlier in the morning. It's hidden in the drawer under my table. Occasionally, I took it out and read again. Fearing I might have mis-spelled or written something stupid. But the letter is fine. It's written one month ago. But I updated the date. So it is fine. It should be fine.
I put it back into the drawer and waited again.
Trying to get my attention away from the how and what, I put on my headphone and listen to some music. It did help a bit. I continued working and chatting with colleagues and friends online.
And then the time has come. I took out the letter fold it, took a very deep breath, stood up and walked towards to my supervisor.
Me: Hi, can I have a minute with you!
Supervisor: Yeah sure. Hold on, let me finish reading this email.
I took a seat and waited for him. When he's done he looked at me.
Supervisor: Yeah, so what's it?
Me: I have really thought through it and I am going to resign.
I handed over the letter to him. I could see my hand trembling!
We had around 1 and a half hour conversation after that. But that didn't make me change my mind though. I am glad it turned out to be ok. No nasty fight or awkward situation arose. Though he did throw me with some challenging questions trying to make me feel that I need to re-consider my decision. But I guess I had already made the final decision for myself.
I actually felt relieved. It's like after a long time, I have finally done something which I feel is right. At least at that moment, I could feel that I have actually achieved something.
So I did it. What's done, is done. No time for regret now. Not sure how the future will be, but I can actually feel that I am walking out of the darkness and I am seeing the future with a heart full of hopes...