I don't think I can be a good boyfriend. Yeah, I don't think I'll ever be one good partner. You see, I gripe too much. Complain too much! Especially these days when I have been stressed up with works and the only thing I could do is still working... and of course release my tension by griping.
Then at some point, I thought, if I were to have a boyfriend, he would have to listen to me griping all day long. And I tell you, it is not the end of stories. I can gripe all over again at the same topic, same problem, same issue and not get enough of it. I guess I am just being cynical. Luckily I have no boyfriend now (what kind of statement is this?), else he would have to find some ways to shut my big mouth up!
Anyway, back to being a good boyfriend or partner, I suddenly think I am not ready. Or maybe there's no such thing whether we are ready or not to get into a relationship. Some said when love comes, you can't run away. So just accept it and let love leads the way. Yet I'm afraid. Not sure of what. Looking at friends and colleagues around me, a lot of compromises and efforts need to be made to sustain a good relationship. There are good times and bad times. And the thought of later on having to form a family follow by more commitment and responsibilities scare me off.
You see, I have always been alone. Both my siblings have got their boyfriend/girlfriend. It's nice to see that they always have someone to look for when they're happy or sad. And there'll always be someone to talk to or hang around when they're free. But there's always some not-so-nice thing like taking care of the partner's feeling, making time for them, listen to their gripes when they have problems and so on. And me always find myself free from such trouble. Being a lone-ranger, I just do what I want when I want and how I want. No need to consider extra thing like whether this will make my boyfriend happy and should I bring him in too etc.
My sister lately told me she's impressed by me, on the fact that I can live life alone. Not that she could not, for she is quite an independent lady herself. Maybe she has got used to the fact that there'll always be someone there when she needs him. You see, I'm not so proud of being complimented about able to live a life, because I could not. No one is an island. But I must admit that being single has its certain advantages, like maybe some freedom.
But it is sad really when you need someone to just be beside you, and maybe talk to you a little... yet there's nobody there. Like last Friday, after a long stressing weeks of working, I thought I could find someone to just hang out and chill on a friday night. I didn't want to go home just yet to face that lifeless wall. Of course I can just give some friends a call and maybe they might or might not just be there for me. But then I thought maybe I shouldn't bother them as KL was having terrible traffic congestion and it was raining/drizzling.
So there I was standing in front of my office building, wondering if I should stay in KL go shopping, watching movie alone, or just go for dinner alone? I stood there for almost 20 minutes. Yes, 20 minutes! All the passer-by must have wondering what was that freak doing, standing there doing nothing. Finding myself pathetic, I finally dragged myself back into the parking lot and drove home.
Christmas songs were playing while I was driving. And I was feeling hungry and... lonely(I hate to say this but... well I said it). I then stopped at a nice cosy cafe near my house, ordered myself dinner. With my stomach-filled, the restlessness disappeared. With the light music playing at the background and the ever romantic yellowish lights, I just sat there and enjoyed the drizzling rain. Cool and cosy.
* I am inspired to write this post after watching the movies "Never Been Kissed" & "The Nanny Diaries" which were shown in Astro HBO Channel this afternoon. Chic-flicks always make me wanna have a boyfriend! Dammit!