Random thought of a Bachelor

I don't think I can be a good boyfriend. Yeah, I don't think I'll ever be one good partner. You see, I gripe too much. Complain too much! Especially these days when I have been stressed up with works and the only thing I could do is still working... and of course release my tension by griping.

Then at some point, I thought, if I were to have a boyfriend, he would have to listen to me griping all day long. And I tell you, it is not the end of stories. I can gripe all over again at the same topic, same problem, same issue and not get enough of it. I guess I am just being cynical. Luckily I have no boyfriend now (what kind of statement is this?), else he would have to find some ways to shut my big mouth up!

Anyway, back to being a good boyfriend or partner, I suddenly think I am not ready. Or maybe there's no such thing whether we are ready or not to get into a relationship. Some said when love comes, you can't run away. So just accept it and let love leads the way. Yet I'm afraid. Not sure of what. Looking at friends and colleagues around me, a lot of compromises and efforts need to be made to sustain a good relationship. There are good times and bad times. And the thought of later on having to form a family follow by more commitment and responsibilities scare me off.

You see, I have always been alone. Both my siblings have got their boyfriend/girlfriend. It's nice to see that they always have someone to look for when they're happy or sad. And there'll always be someone to talk to or hang around when they're free. But there's always some not-so-nice thing like taking care of the partner's feeling, making time for them, listen to their gripes when they have problems and so on. And me always find myself free from such trouble. Being a lone-ranger, I just do what I want when I want and how I want. No need to consider extra thing like whether this will make my boyfriend happy and should I bring him in too etc.

My sister lately told me she's impressed by me, on the fact that I can live life alone. Not that she could not, for she is quite an independent lady herself. Maybe she has got used to the fact that there'll always be someone there when she needs him. You see, I'm not so proud of being complimented about able to live a life, because I could not. No one is an island. But I must admit that being single has its certain advantages, like maybe some freedom.

But it is sad really when you need someone to just be beside you, and maybe talk to you a little... yet there's nobody there. Like last Friday, after a long stressing weeks of working, I thought I could find someone to just hang out and chill on a friday night. I didn't want to go home just yet to face that lifeless wall. Of course I can just give some friends a call and maybe they might or might not just be there for me. But then I thought maybe I shouldn't bother them as KL was having terrible traffic congestion and it was raining/drizzling.

So there I was standing in front of my office building, wondering if I should stay in KL go shopping, watching movie alone, or just go for dinner alone? I stood there for almost 20 minutes. Yes, 20 minutes! All the passer-by must have wondering what was that freak doing, standing there doing nothing. Finding myself pathetic, I finally dragged myself back into the parking lot and drove home.

Christmas songs were playing while I was driving. And I was feeling hungry and... lonely(I hate to say this but... well I said it). I then stopped at a nice cosy cafe near my house, ordered myself dinner. With my stomach-filled, the restlessness disappeared. With the light music playing at the background and the ever romantic yellowish lights, I just sat there and enjoyed the drizzling rain. Cool and cosy.

* I am inspired to write this post after watching the movies "Never Been Kissed" & "The Nanny Diaries" which were shown in Astro HBO Channel this afternoon. Chic-flicks always make me wanna have a boyfriend! Dammit!

Still Single

Been obsessed with Mariah's songs again since she released her latest single "Touch My Body" with that sexy and hilarious music video that I could watch it over and over again without feeling bored or sick of it. I can't even help but to sing along "Touch my body, put me on the floor, wrestle me around, play with me some more..."

Play with me some more.

Anyway, I was there in the new house of some relative. She was having house warming. Yes, not a very close relative. A relative who relate to my mother. I think is my mom's cousin. Well, not that I really care. I was just there to be there as a family.

Thank goodness some relatives I know were there. At least I could talk to someone familiar instead of being stared by the others as if I am an alien from Mars. However, the thing that annoyed me was someone pop that question again!

Cousin : So, you don't plan to have any girlfriend, do you?
Me : Yeah, guess I'll end up alone for the rest of my life.
Cousin : But you're good-looking. Shouldn't be any problem to have a girl-friend!
Me : Well, that's the problem! I have too many girl-friends. And I am being very choosy.
Cousin : Come on. Just pick one!
Me : I'll see if I can really do that! But I am thinking about picking up a guy. More challenging, I guess! LOL...
Cousin : ...

Be my boyfriend, will ya?!

Seriously, I thought I'd escaped from those question after Chinese New Year. But now it seem that even normal event, I will be thrown with that "Why are you still single?" question.

The funny thing is that, I also noticed that sometime when I see my old friends from school, I would ask them the same question too. Whether or not they have a partner. If not, why are they still single et cetera. Although some of the answers are expected, I just nonchalantly ask them as if it's a norm. Most of us certainly do think that when a human reached certain age, we should have a partner and ready to start a family.

But the sad thing is I guess I've reached that age and still remain single. Does that make me a loser? A failure? Or weird? I don't know. But that certainly makes people wonder.

So what I'm single?! Shut up and fuck off!

I have been thinking to really find a boyfriend. But that sound so pathetic. Or even worse, sound so desperate. I always think that love will come when it should come. But it seem that to be among the straight men (and women) won't get me anywhere to really find "The One".

Oh don't tell me to find friends online. I don't trust internet. Putting profile on the net is so NOT what I wanna do. Even though I know the chance of getting to know people like us is SO MUCH higher with sites like Fridae, Axcest... you name it. But I am just not the type of person who is OUT AND LOUD. Being known as a homosexual to the world is the last thing I wanna do, at least for now.

Besides, most of them online were just desperate to look for sex or one night stand. No offense! Maybe you're not that kind of person. But I have tried and I think at least 80% of them who chatted with me on the net actually requested to have a one night stand or being a fuck buddy.

Wanna fuck?!

Not only that, I am still waiting for a chance to really know my crush before I really leave him behind and get into a relationship.You know, he's still the Mr. Perfect for me and I'm dying to get to know more about him. Unfortunately, I hardly use KTM these days to go home and have no luck to stumble upon him in the train station.

I guess that's love at first sight. Sadly, it's just me secretly admiring him not knowing even if he's into guys like me. But I am still waiting. Not sure waiting for what. Or maybe waiting for someone better? Or maybe a chance to finally know him more. Like he's a friend of my friend? And we're introduced by our friend to each other? Or maybe he just started talking to me out of nowhere? Pathetic, huh?! I know but I just can't help it. Or perhaps it's just an excuse for me to not fall in love? Or I'm just not ready.

Are you the one?

"I finally found somebody who could be the one... but I've promised myself that I won't give in to love... And I'm scared, and I'm nervous... don't wanna be hurt anymore.... this is bad ... 'cause I know that you're the one!" ~ The One by Mariah Carey

And always in the end, I would tell myself that it is not so bad to be single. At least I don't have so much commitment and that I can love myself fully. In fact, I don't even really know how to love somebody, for I've never been in a relationship before.

Unavoidable, Unwelcome Questions

It wasn't so bad last year or years before that. But this year, I can really feel the intensity and awkwardness of being asked the question :"When are you going to get a girlfriend?!"

I'm still a free man.

Not that I don't know this will be coming. Years ago I have already know that I will be asked with that questions and surely I have already prepared myself and figured out a lot of different answers to response to that predictably annoying and irritating question. And I hate the fact that it is unavoidable.

Auntie : I expect to see a girl beside you next year this time.
Uncle : You still receiving ang pow ar? When will be your turn to give away?
Married cousin : Still single? Your ambition is to become a monk?
Cousin brother : Yo dude! No girlfriend yet? Are you still a virgin?

Fuck off with all your stupid questions!

Damn those questions. As if I want to be single and unavailable? They have no idea what I have been, and still am going through. Despite those cruel and sarcastic questions being thrown at me like I deserve it, I still have to just politely give them a smile. Yeah, a fake one yet seemingly sincere and helpless one. Or perhaps I'll just say :"I will try to get one..." following the whisper in my heart "... in my next life, hopefully!".

It makes me feel sad really. Growing up is already something really challenging. No matter how hard I try to live a life I want, there's this not-so-small part of me that have to live up to somebody's expectation. That at my age now, I should be having a girlfriend. Then after maybe next 5 years, I should get married and have baby to form a family. It's normal. It's what everyone does. Well, almost everyone. And not being among the majority is hard.

And this year, I can really feel the pressure. Not only from my own family, but also from my relatives and friends. I could simply cast away those irrelevant comments and some sarcastic jokes that were thrown at me from many different ways. But knowing the fact that from now onwards, every year this time, I will have to face them again, drives me crazy!

It will never be the same anymore.

And I can already foresee, CNY won't be as much fun as it should be. Even if I luckily found a boyfriend, will it make up for what I have to face every year during CNY? I wonder.