I realized I have not blog about my stay in Karachi. In fact, I didn't really wanna think about it as it reminded me of those difficult days when I was really stressed and depressed. Those days were memories I didn't want to remember. Even after I came back to Malaysia, I was still greatly affected by the 'trauma' I suffered in Karachi. It's like the tormenting aftermath of a tragedy. I basically struggled, and am still struggling, to get myself back up and cast away those unnecessary worries and stresses.
So what happened? Not that I was dragged into a dark alley and being raped repeatedly by crazy rapist. Crap! Why am I even thought of that? In fact, Karachi seemed to be a safer place if compared to what were reported by the media. Of course, again, Malaysia is still a better place to live in. The point is, working on this project in Karachi is killing me. Not about the workloads, not about the long working hours, not even about how far away from home I was or how reluctant I was to masturbate in the luxury hotel room fearing that there might be hidden camera somewhere in the room. Thanks to those news about Edison Chan, Dr Chua and ... whatever. OK, sound ridiculous, but I was that worried. Never mind! But the main problem I suffered was because the people I was, and still am, working with.
First, my superior, or supervisor, whatever you call it. Of course, this is the first time we work together. He's this business manager kind of person, not a technical person. And he is used to being working alone. So he normally think on his own. And working for him was a night-mare! I did not understand him. Come on, he work things out in his head and he never tell me anything. How was I supposed to know what was he thinking or trying to do? And we were like not so close, as I am still very new to him, I have problem understanding him. And his quietness and emotionless face was scary sometime. Oh no, should be most of the time. So I always had to guess what was he thinking, what was he trying to do, what would be his next move? And it was TIRING!
Sometime when I tried to ask him something, he would frown and give me that kind of face like "What? That shouldn't be the way? You shouldn't do that? How stupid that is!?". And I would be de-motivated. And he hasn't really made any comment yet. Just that frown or the questioning look on his face, was good enough to make me think I was a big dumb useless fool! Yea, he was THAT good in bringing me down.
And of course, when he did make a comment, especially those bad ones, I would be totally defeated. Worse than being slapped on the face or being poured with cold water. Really! Of course, I understand he's being stressed also with all the decisions he had to make and to report to the unpredictable project manager above him. But at least he should not pour all the stresses on me too. Wasn't it better if we could share our problems and sort things out together?! Oh, I forgot, who was I to share things with him? He has many years of working experiences, and I am like what? 3 years plus experience? Undoubtedly, what he was thinking is just 'advance level', I am still at the beginner or intermediate level and I will never be good enough.
What make things worse was that I don't really have a personal time on my own there. You see we have to write daily report everyday to submit to the project manager. And for my team, I was assigned to do the report. Every day I have to wait for him to finish writing his report so I can compiled it with mine before I can submit to the project manager. And normally I have to wait till 11pm or 12am. Well, I could not blame him entirely on this because after work he has so many other more important things to think over and work on that writing report was just not his priority. So I normally have to wait till he send his report to me and then I could compile it and finally submit to the project manager. Thus, I slept late at night and have to wake up 6:30am in the morning.
And that's not all. Another thing would be the over-all team members. There are many teams in one project. Yea, and we did not mix around. You mind your own business and I mind mine. Too bad my team just didn't mix along well to the project manager's team. Not that we were against each other. But we just we just did not mix around. Again, my superior being quiet and think on his own kind of attitude, certainly not being understood by many people. And me, I have no choice but to stick with my superior and just being quiet like him.
And so in that kind of situation, I was really stressed out. Until I felt depressed. Un-motivated. No mood to work. And being scared of not being able to deliver whatever I should deliver. Under such over-stressing situation for over three weeks, I was basically 'de-formed'. Ye, mentally deformed. I would wake up in the morning fearing to face the world. At night I would cry myself to sleep wondering how would I go through the next day. And during the day I would feel nauseas and feel like wanna vomit as I was too worried and too anxious what's gonna happen next. In fact, I was very very down. So down that I could basically feel that I had problem lifting up my head to face anyone and that my forehead was always with the frown. Everyone knew I was stressed out, obviously.
Three weeks finally over and I could flyback to Malaysia. Undoubtedly I was excited about being able to get back to Malaysia. But am I very happy? Nope. Because this is not the end. I'll still have to stick with the same people, same team members, working on this same project. So when I reached KL, I still have the same problems. Waking up wondering how to face the world, cry myself to sleep for having to lead such stressful life. And going to work seems so not interesting anymore. I hate that. And I even got tired of hating such life.
It was until after more than a week in Malaysia, that I started to really sit myself down and re-think of my whole life. Figureing out the causes of me being stress, being down, and being worry over something I was not even sure what they were all about. And it took times for me to really stand back up. To find back my confidence by doing something I love to do and good at. And to start sharing my problems with the family and close friends. And yeah, they're being supportive. I am just lucky to have such a nice family members. They are truly supportive.
And now, I still have that little pressure from works which I think I still can manage and cope. I know I am getting happier each day. I need to be strong and not be defeated by those challenges thrown at my way. Perhaps, life had been too easy for me before. That's why I was easily swayed by this so-called 'tsunami' of my working life. I was drown a bit into the deep blue sea. But I am glad I am floating back on to the surface now. Swimming my way back to the shore. At least that's how I feel now.
Life may be challenging from now onwards. But I do really hope that this will make me stronger and wiser. I have to admit after this so-called "tragedic event" in my life, I could see myself change, better. I am more disciplined now. Knowing how to make target and achieve something in a day. And even find myself to be able to speak more frequently with my superior, by ignoring his facial expression and believe in what I am doing is right and I really am trying VERY hard to work. And his comment, regardless good or bad, will not bring me down.
Even better, I start to know what I like and dislike about what I do. I know myself better. And this will certainly help me to find my way to lead a better life.