The Begin After The End

Happy New Year 2010!

I know it's already the 10th day of the new year, but I guess it's still early enough to wish anyone a very happy new year. Good wishes and loves are meant to be spread around. Hahaha...

I actually intent to revamp this blog. OK, not revamp. Maybe just to change the look and feel of this site. Just to have the feeling of 'new' or 're-new'. Apparently my attempt has, again, failed. I started with replacing the blog header photo with a photo which showing my not-as-sexy pecs. How daring I can be! Thought I should put something that show something about me on this blog. Too bad, my pecs is not as appealing as this current pecs shown in the blog header photo. At the end, I gave up changing and put back up this original photo.

I then tried to change the colour of the blog. I thought my blog is just dark. Not cheerful and somewhat depressing. So I thought I should get rid of the black colour background. I like blue. So I changed the background colour to dark blue and the text to light blue. Different blue for the link, the side border etc. However, it just doesn't feel right. Awkward and uncomfortable with the new look and feel. At the end, I changed everything back.

I guess I am not ready to change. Gosh, lack of flexibility and adaptability. A sign of aging? Or perhaps I don't have the good picture yet of how I want my new blog to be. Whatever! This reminded me of the status I have written my facebook few days ago that I started feel the lack of strength and ability to do those things I wish to do. Pretty annoying seriously!

Anyway, about the new year. Oh, it is great so far! I had a good time with ex-colleagues on the first day evening of the new year. We had a small gathering at my house and enjoyed every single moment laughing and chatting. It's been a long time since I last laughed out so loud that it hurt my throat! Hahaha...

Work wise... ok as well. I managed to cope well with the assignment and tasks given. Get along better now with the team members. Just need to put more efforts to build up trust between the team members and me. And I figured I need to be more disciplined. Sometime working from home is not a good idea for me. I tend to spend more time on surf net, chatting, watch drama and porn (yes I do) than working! Hahaha... Oh well, that's one of the 'welfare/benefit' of working in this company. I just need to constantly remind myself not to abuse the 'convenience' given and make sure I do my job and deliver whatever expected on time.

Health wise... I think I bulked up... on my belly! Damn it! I hate it! I want to bulk up on my pecs and arms and shoulders and ... definitely not my belly! But uuurrrggghhh... my belly just can't stop growing bigger! Guess I need to do more sit-ups and monitor my sitting posture! Yeah my sitting posture definitely is the main contribution to my big belly. I tend to hunch my back which eventually push my belly out front. =_='''

On the good side, I hit the gym more often than I used to. Been addicted to BodyPump class lately. Thanks to the gorgeous and hunky instructor. Of course, I initially attended the class just wanted to see he flex his muscles while doing those exercises. Gosh, I once chose a place right in front of him and I got to 'examine' his legs, thighs... (I wish I can go further up to the area between his legs), his biceps, triceps, pecs... Urgh... so 'motivating'! You bet I did a great work out in his class! The good thing is I really did a full body work out. OK, maybe almost full. The sad news is that now he seems not instructing the class anymore according to the new class schedule! Damn it! I hope this is just temporarily. He is my main motivation to hit the gym and work out!

Love or relationship... Hahaha... still single. How pathetic! But I guess I am ready for a relationship. I used to have a lot of concerns and too caught up with many things which I also not quite sure what they are. But now since I am more settled down and got to have a lot of time for myself, I guess I am more ready for a relationship. Just need to stop thinking about the negativity of having a relationship. The lost of freedom, the lack of personal space and time, the questions from friends and family about that special someone, the phobia of AIDS/HIV... Silly me!

About looking for boyfriend/partner, I used to have a very high expectation. He must have great personality, great sense of humour, hunky, ok-looking if not good-looking, can have a great intellectual conversation with me... I was basically looking for Mr. Perfect! Not that I didn't realize my unreasonable and stupid expectation, sub-consciously I guess I was hoping the fairy-tales I saw on TV will become reality. And sometime when I re-examined myself, I painfully found that I am not not as good as I expected myself to be. So who am I to deserve the Mr Perfect I thought I wanted to be with? Then, I will stop looking and thought I should improve myself to be a better person first. Hahaha... come to think of it, I am quite stupid in a way!

Oh well, it's new year. I don't quite agree with "new year new beginning". In fact, everything keeps on going. It's just me that choose to change something along the way on this so-called special moment of time, known as the end of year 2009 and the begin of year 2010. Whatever it is, I hope from this point onwards, things are getting better and better, for you and for me.

Good Bye, 2009!

"Amazing Grace
How sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me..."

This song has been playing in my mind recently after watching a youtube clip about a choir singing this song in a church. The choral arrangement was superb by Eriks Esenvalds. It gives me goosebumps especially when the melody is transposed from one key to another. It really feels like I have been lifted by the song higher and higher.


It is the end of the year, how can I not write something here. Probably my last entry for the year 2009. Forget about reflection or new year resolution. I have had enough looking back dwelling into those bitter-sweet memories or looking forward to see what I want to achieve in the next year or years after that. The past few years I have learned that I tend to dream a lot but never seriously take any action into making my dreams come true. Or perhaps I dreamt too big. Always a greedy man who wants so much more than he actually deserves. I am destined to fail.

However, I would still like to write down something I want to remember. At least to conclude the year 2009 for my own.

The year 2009 started with me being very busy. Overwhelmed by works with new challenges. I remember I never really enjoyed my Chinese New Year. I was too caught up by the project in Pakistan. Although I had taken leave for CNY holiday, I did not really enjoy the holiday as I was too worry about my job.

Things got worse. Not only the pressure from work, the incompetent supervisor drove me crazy. I still remember the appraisal, which was the worst ever in my 3 years+ working experience. I also remember the conversation we had when he wanna check on me after hearing someone said I was over-stressed. Thinking about it make me laugh. Which is good. At least I can now laugh about it.

I guess two third of the year 2009 I was occupied with work and work and work only. Everything was about work. I hit the bottom ground when I felt nausea every morning when I woke up due to over-stressed. I remember I went to consult the doctor and he said my stomach produced too much acid. I have no idea over-stressed can cause stomach to produce so much acid until I feel like vomit. That's when I have the thought of giving up.

The term "Giving Up" is so negative then. I told my mom I could not take it anymore and that I wanted to resign. It's not easy to convince my mom that I should resign. For them, young people should not give up. We should overcome whatever challenges we faced. That's how we grow stronger and wiser. I couldn't agree more with her then. I even blamed myself for being so weak and fragile. And so I endured.At the end, I still gave up! Or to make it sound better, I resign to get a better job with better pay. And most importantly, to work for a better supervisor. :P

And so I joined the new company in September. Gosh my life changed totally, for the better, of course! Not only are those colleagues friendly and helpful, the team lead is great! I really enjoyed working there! I am motivated. My contribution is recognized and appreciated. I gained job satisfaction. Not only that, I no longer need to work like a cheap slave. I can leave office on time. Unlike last time, I think I worked at least 12 hours a day! Now, I work 8 hours only! And like any other colleagues, I got to work from home 2 days a week. Best!

I can really feel I am getting happier. Life is getting better and better since then. I think it can only gets better. After all, I had hit the bottom ground. I may have started the year 2009 with worries and hecticness, but I am surely ending the year with a smile on my face. If you ask me what I did in year 2009, I would say I make a very good decision : Resigned and found a new fantastic job!

"...I once was lost
But now I'm found
I was blind
But now I see..."

Lost Concentration

I think I have lost my concentration. I am not sure since when, but it surely has been a long while.



I find myself very difficult to do thing. Even just one simple thing. For example today, I was trying to understand the codes in a program, at the same time I was thinking maybe I should try to finish my case study first. At the end, I only managed to study like 30% of the codes.

Later on, when I was trying to write some SQL queries (IT database term, you don't wanna know :P) to verify something, then I thought maybe I should study and practice on other thing to prepare myself for the coming training in the company. As a result, I need to ask my colleague to discuss with me on the SQL queries to keep myself focus on the SQL queries and not other thing.

And not only for work, when I was driving, I couldn't help myself trying to avoid to get into any car accident. Sometime when I drove over some stones or got into some holes on the road and it cause stupid noise on my car, I would panic and thought if I had drove over anyone or any animals. The I'll keep looking at the rear-view mirror to see if anything happened at the back while trying very hard to concentrate on the front. Sometime I even drove back to the place where I heard the noise just to reconfirm nothing happened. =_='''


At night before I sleep, when I was trying to read the novel, I would asked myself maybe I should go sleep already as tomorrow need to wake up early. Or maybe I should play some soothing music. Or maybe I should watch drama series instead. At the end, I only read a few pages and sleep.

I blame this on "multi-tasking"! Yep, I think I was over-multi-tasking. My brain couldn't stop running multiple processes concurrently. If only one process is running, it will auto trigger another available process to run so it won't waste resource and time. Unfortunately, my brain is not intelligent enough to estimate the resources required for a process to run. So when all processes are run concurrently and pulling all the resources (which in this case is my concentration), the whole system lag, and eventually hang! Deadlock! Whatever! At the end, everything stop! Like computer, at this point, it need to be rebooted. :P


Yup, I blame on multi-tasking too much last time. I gotta stop this. Else, I would achieve nothing.

p/s: While I was typing this entry, my mind was thinking about maybe I should just go google and search "How To Concentrate". Luckily I managed to finish this entry. :P

Life Goes On

Another emo-post this will be.

As much as I hate about me being cynical and forever-complaining kind of person, I still have to write this down to at least pour out the negative energies I have within myself.

Life, especially working life has not been treating well these days. In fact, for quite a long time. It started with the hatred towards the project I am working on and of course the supervisor who had given me a lot more burden and stresses which basically brought me to a nervous breakdown recently.

And now even seeing his face, or even hearing his voice from afar would make me feel sick and stressed out. Enough about him. Don't even wanna think about him.

So last week, I had a vervous breakdown. Luckily I did not pull out the knife and cut my wrist to commit suicide or something like that. Committing suicide has always been considered a stupid act in my mind. I mean life is precious and it is stupid to kill it just for the current tormenting period. However, I still need to go through such tragedic period of my life. I know I can choose to go through it with a happy heart instead of griping and griping endlessly. Unfortunately, it is just too difficult when everything just doesn't go your way every minute, every second.

Realizing that I have not been happy and under great amount of stresses since early this year, I guess I have come to a stage where I really cannot take it anymore. So the thought of resignation appearred in my mind. Yeah, that's it! I have had enough and I need to make some changes. If resigning will ever make me happier, that's all I will do. So on that one particular night, I actually thought about resigning and how that whole thing will lead me too. And to think about what job I will have after this actually make me feel calmer and hopeful. I guess it's because I no need to think about my work and for one moment, those burden and stresses have been taken off my shoulder, and I could actually feel peace within myself.

Sadly, the next day I woke up and I still have to go through all the traumas and unfortunate events of my life. And it was a DISASTER!

Not wanting to rush into the decision of quitting this job and run away from challenges, I basically endured for last few days of my stay in pakistan until I go back to pakistan to discuss it with my family. I was too heat up with the thought of this project which leading me to depression. This supervisor was not good in supervising. Other than blaming the exterior factor that brought me so much miseries, I also blamed myself for being such dumb and useless person who knows nothing much about banking system. It's because the lack of knowledge and experience, I need to struggle to learn and understand the whole thing while documenting some processes which I can hardly understand.

In addition, writing meeting minutes was also a very challenging task for me because I could hardly understand what they were discussing. Part of it of course was because of the limited business knowledge I am possessing. Another part is because the users spoke in Urdu languange among themselves. Amazingly, my supervisor could guess what they were talking about (because he know those business terms they used) and I was left there knowing nothing at all what was going on. So everyday I went back to my accomodation, I always have hard time writing minutes. And I always have to spend hours to figure out myself to at least come out with something to be written in the meeting minutes and send to my supervisor for review.

I guess these whole things make me feel worse about myself. Of course, I could hardly get any job satisfaction.

So after back in Malaysia, I spent some times talking with mom and senior friends. Some said I should stay, some said just hop to another company. Ultimately, it's up to me to make the decision. Knowing the current situation out there, I should stay in this company and continue working on this project. But my instinct told me to move on to another company. Gosh, where does this instinct even coming from?!

But I feel better when I am in Malaysia. Maybe there are friends and family here which keep me company and I will always have someone to talk to. However, I lost my passion in working. I used to be afraid of going to office. Every morning I'll fear for the challenges that I need to face everyday. But now, I don't give a damn anymore. It's like every morning, though I hate the fact I still need to go office and face whatever I need to face, I basically have no fear, no interest, no motivation or what-so-ever. I just go to office with the thought of leaving this company soon. Even though deep down inside I know I won't simply resign, having the thought of leaving this company soon give me a sense of peacefulness and hopes. So I still go to office.

But I am no longer that cheerful and motivated person I used to be. My can basically feel my face without smile. I guess my colleagues and even the supervisor noticed that I am not happy. But I don't fucking give a damn. I know this is not good. Showing your true emotion and unmotivated attitude doesn't help you add points in your performance. But I just don't care anymore. I was hurt, indirectly. I was badly injured, mentally. And I had been 'altered'.

I am so unhappy that I don't even look at my supervisor in the eyes. And today, for a long long time, I leave the office at 6:15pm (I normally worked till 8pm or later). I never asked the supervisor if there's anything that I need to do or attend to. And he saw me walking out of the door. I just don't give a fucking damn.

Amazingly, I don't hate myself for being a jerk. And when I reached home, my parents were shocked I got home so early. They just welcomed me home and I had dinner with them. Again, it has been such a long time since I last had dinner with them. Guess this is what I really wanted. To be able to come home and have dinner with family. Spend some times with them and enjoy your personal time at home.

Though tomorrow will never die, at least I know what I want in life and will make some efforts to achieve it. Now it's still early to say anything. I'll take one step at a time. I need time to cool off myself and also find back my motivation to work. Life goes on. And I need to go on too...

Through The Rain

I realized I have not blog about my stay in Karachi. In fact, I didn't really wanna think about it as it reminded me of those difficult days when I was really stressed and depressed. Those days were memories I didn't want to remember. Even after I came back to Malaysia, I was still greatly affected by the 'trauma' I suffered in Karachi. It's like the tormenting aftermath of a tragedy. I basically struggled, and am still struggling, to get myself back up and cast away those unnecessary worries and stresses.


So what happened? Not that I was dragged into a dark alley and being raped repeatedly by crazy rapist. Crap! Why am I even thought of that? In fact, Karachi seemed to be a safer place if compared to what were reported by the media. Of course, again, Malaysia is still a better place to live in. The point is, working on this project in Karachi is killing me. Not about the workloads, not about the long working hours, not even about how far away from home I was or how reluctant I was to masturbate in the luxury hotel room fearing that there might be hidden camera somewhere in the room. Thanks to those news about Edison Chan, Dr Chua and ... whatever. OK, sound ridiculous, but I was that worried. Never mind! But the main problem I suffered was because the people I was, and still am, working with.

First, my superior, or supervisor, whatever you call it. Of course, this is the first time we work together. He's this business manager kind of person, not a technical person. And he is used to being working alone. So he normally think on his own. And working for him was a night-mare! I did not understand him. Come on, he work things out in his head and he never tell me anything. How was I supposed to know what was he thinking or trying to do? And we were like not so close, as I am still very new to him, I have problem understanding him. And his quietness and emotionless face was scary sometime. Oh no, should be most of the time. So I always had to guess what was he thinking, what was he trying to do, what would be his next move? And it was TIRING!

Sometime when I tried to ask him something, he would frown and give me that kind of face like "What? That shouldn't be the way? You shouldn't do that? How stupid that is!?". And I would be de-motivated. And he hasn't really made any comment yet. Just that frown or the questioning look on his face, was good enough to make me think I was a big dumb useless fool! Yea, he was THAT good in bringing me down.



And of course, when he did make a comment, especially those bad ones, I would be totally defeated. Worse than being slapped on the face or being poured with cold water. Really! Of course, I understand he's being stressed also with all the decisions he had to make and to report to the unpredictable project manager above him. But at least he should not pour all the stresses on me too. Wasn't it better if we could share our problems and sort things out together?! Oh, I forgot, who was I to share things with him? He has many years of working experiences, and I am like what? 3 years plus experience? Undoubtedly, what he was thinking is just 'advance level', I am still at the beginner or intermediate level and I will never be good enough.

What make things worse was that I don't really have a personal time on my own there. You see we have to write daily report everyday to submit to the project manager. And for my team, I was assigned to do the report. Every day I have to wait for him to finish writing his report so I can compiled it with mine before I can submit to the project manager. And normally I have to wait till 11pm or 12am. Well, I could not blame him entirely on this because after work he has so many other more important things to think over and work on that writing report was just not his priority. So I normally have to wait till he send his report to me and then I could compile it and finally submit to the project manager. Thus, I slept late at night and have to wake up 6:30am in the morning.

And that's not all. Another thing would be the over-all team members. There are many teams in one project. Yea, and we did not mix around. You mind your own business and I mind mine. Too bad my team just didn't mix along well to the project manager's team. Not that we were against each other. But we just we just did not mix around. Again, my superior being quiet and think on his own kind of attitude, certainly not being understood by many people. And me, I have no choice but to stick with my superior and just being quiet like him.

And so in that kind of situation, I was really stressed out. Until I felt depressed. Un-motivated. No mood to work. And being scared of not being able to deliver whatever I should deliver. Under such over-stressing situation for over three weeks, I was basically 'de-formed'. Ye, mentally deformed. I would wake up in the morning fearing to face the world. At night I would cry myself to sleep wondering how would I go through the next day. And during the day I would feel nauseas and feel like wanna vomit as I was too worried and too anxious what's gonna happen next. In fact, I was very very down. So down that I could basically feel that I had problem lifting up my head to face anyone and that my forehead was always with the frown. Everyone knew I was stressed out, obviously.

Three weeks finally over and I could flyback to Malaysia. Undoubtedly I was excited about being able to get back to Malaysia. But am I very happy? Nope. Because this is not the end. I'll still have to stick with the same people, same team members, working on this same project. So when I reached KL, I still have the same problems. Waking up wondering how to face the world, cry myself to sleep for having to lead such stressful life. And going to work seems so not interesting anymore. I hate that. And I even got tired of hating such life.

It was until after more than a week in Malaysia, that I started to really sit myself down and re-think of my whole life. Figureing out the causes of me being stress, being down, and being worry over something I was not even sure what they were all about. And it took times for me to really stand back up. To find back my confidence by doing something I love to do and good at. And to start sharing my problems with the family and close friends. And yeah, they're being supportive. I am just lucky to have such a nice family members. They are truly supportive.

And now, I still have that little pressure from works which I think I still can manage and cope. I know I am getting happier each day. I need to be strong and not be defeated by those challenges thrown at my way. Perhaps, life had been too easy for me before. That's why I was easily swayed by this so-called 'tsunami' of my working life. I was drown a bit into the deep blue sea. But I am glad I am floating back on to the surface now. Swimming my way back to the shore. At least that's how I feel now.

Life may be challenging from now onwards. But I do really hope that this will make me stronger and wiser. I have to admit after this so-called "tragedic event" in my life, I could see myself change, better. I am more disciplined now. Knowing how to make target and achieve something in a day. And even find myself to be able to speak more frequently with my superior, by ignoring his facial expression and believe in what I am doing is right and I really am trying VERY hard to work. And his comment, regardless good or bad, will not bring me down.

Even better, I start to know what I like and dislike about what I do. I know myself better. And this will certainly help me to find my way to lead a better life.

Suffocated

I don't know what to do.

I am tired of worrying and being depressed. I am trying hard to get these unknown worries off my chest. What am I worrying? I can't even tell. It has somehow become a habit. A bad bad habit which is eating me up from inside. A bad bad habit which making me incapable of being happy.

Seriously, what am I worrying?

- I don't know how to do the work? No, I know how to do it. Just do not know where to start. So I just do whatever I can first.
- I don't have sufficient information to work on my documentation? Maybe, but I can request for those missing information through email.
- My superior will give me an unpleasant glare for not collecting important information? Well, I have tried my best and I can't collect the whole information within such a short period of time.
- You are not even sure about those information you have? Yes, but I can't be sure of everything since different people giving me different information and some of them are contradicting. I have limited experiences and knowledge to judge which is true and which is false.
- You may need to cover something out of your scope? Well, I can try my best to do it, but I can't guarantee it will be the best thing I can deliver as it is OUT of my scope!
- The superior is expecting something more than you can deliver? Yes. Apparently he has high expectation on me. Too high that it gives me pressure and tension.

So is that the root cause? That my boss has too high expectation on me? Hmm.. maybe it is. Any idea how should I go about this? Tell my boss I am not as capable as he thinks I am?

I wonder... how how how?!

Can't Help Being Stressed

I think I am over-stressed.

I keep worry about my works. My supervisor had assigned me some homework to do during the Chinese New Year. Sucks, I know! Oh well, I still have to do it anyway. It's about some documentation that I need to do. Putting down all those user-requirement into words and document them. Not an easy task, I would say. Especially when I did not really perform well during my stay in Karachi as I was not really prepared and I was sick like hell, due to food poisoning.

So since I could not collect sufficient information, how am I going to document them? And who can I to blame, but myself?!

So these days every day I wake up I scratch my head wondering how am I going to do this homework of mine. Undoubtedly, it had obviously spoil my Chinese New Year mood. And I hate it. I hate worry over my works during this festive season. And everybody is enjoying the holiday! And that make me feel even more worse!

So I had decided, I will try my best and document them down and submit to my supervisor before the first day of Chinese New Year. So I did, scratching my head, going through those few notes I jotted down during my discussion with the customers, and trying to remember what they said. I managed to come out with something. But not very impressive, I would say. Some of them I would say are pieces of shits. But that's all I could produce.

And suddenly I feel like I'm a piece of shit as well!

I closed my eyes, telling myself I had done my best. I put all those documents I produced in a folder and zip it up. Wrote an email and attached the zip file and sent it to my supervisor. Right before the first day of Chinese New Year.

Relieved? Not entirely. I still feel like I am doing a shoddy work. But I already did my best. What more I can do? I keep asking myself this questions. Part of me keep saying I did my best; Another part of me keep saying that there's more that I can do to make things better.

I am tired of this mental battle, or mental fight within myself. Maybe I should just forget all these troubles or problems for this holiday and start worry again when I get back to work.

But I can never stop worry! And that kills me! Fuck!

Some Bad Days

You see I have been surrounded by negativities since months ago. Ever since I started to work in the new office, back to the old office, working on another project and now working in Karachi, I have heard many complaints and gripes from colleagues. Surprisingly, even the boss also made a few complaints and shared it with us.

I doubt this will do me any good if this continue to happen.

Well, as the old saying :"If you can't defeat them, then you join them!". So I joined them. Complaining this and that and agree with whatever they are complaining, in hope that this will keep me alive in their group and be part of their 'family'. Oh, as if I have a choice, they are the only family I have now, when I am working in Karachi.

It's really disappointing that all my plans and expectations has been destroyed day by day when I reached Karachi. I thought I could enjoy working a 9 to 5 working hours and after that I could really enjoy myself in the luxurious 5 stars hotel enjoying the jacuzzi, the 100 over satellite TV channels, the gymnasium facilities, and even go sight-seeing and capture some good scenes got my blogging at night. I had that dream!

Too bad my dream didn't come true!

9 to 5 working hours? My ass! I basically have to wake up every morning around 6am and check my mails. Get myself ready including that hot shower and packing up my notebooks and fill up the bags with at least two mineral water! The weather in Karachi is cold but dry. I even have broken lips for the first few days which totally spoil my good mood! Thank to whatever up above I managed to get a lip-gloss which save me for the following days till now.

Oh where was I? Oh yeah, 9 to 5!? We had breakfast together around 8am and 830am have to be ready to be sent to the head office and start the meeting. Alright, I'll save my gripes later in this blog for how fucking annoying during work time. I'll skip it for now and talk about the time. So we end hour work at 5pm, and we have to gather at a training centre to do have a meeting to share our work experiences and discoveries of the day. Not that I am against the ideas of doing sharing, but what they shared are mostly unrelated to my area. Though I enjoyed some good laugh of those funny stories they shared during the review meeting, that hours are wasted for me.

After the meeting, which normally ends around 7pm++, we'll be sent back to the hotel. Then we'll have to decided where to have dinner. Another waste of time to determine where to dine. Then I'll have to hear complaints and gripes of the day through-out the dinner time. By the time we reach back hotel, it will be like 9pm++. Then I'll have to wash up, took shower and get myself out of the 'dust'. Yes, Karachi air is pretty polluted, in my opinion. After that, you think I can take my rest? NO WAY! I have to write meeting minutes for the day!

You see, I like to write minute if I know and understand what everybody is talking about. No offense but some people here are so good in speaking that they speak very fast with their local accent which I don't really understand. And they thought I am so good in listening and I suspect they even thought I am a professional meeting recorder that I can basically write doen each and every word they spoke. Too bad I may have deceived them with my book-nerd-like look! Oh well, I still have to complete the meeting minute no matter what and let my supervisor review before send it out to the project manageer for final review. Such a stressful work!

Only at about 11pm++ that I got to climb into my bed and start to press the TV remote control and start to watch some programs. And by the time I found my favourite channel, within the next few seconds, I already dozzed off! Fuck!

The next day will be the same old thing!

And talk about my work. I am basically here in Karachi to collect user-requirement. So I need to do a lot of interview and talk and talk and request and request more information from the user. I was allocated in the data communication conference room, together with some of my colleagues. It was a stuffy room with many computers inside. So there was this old man, who I believe is one of the top management guy, like to smoke in the room! Hey! He fucking smoke in a stuff room with air-cond on! What the hell is he thinking?! I don't really hate smokers so much before this as I don't mind other people business. But this old man really had pissed me off! It is an air-cond room for goodness sake and the room is quite stuffy already! Yet, he still without any hesitation took out the cigeratte and fucking smoke in front of us like nobody's business!

If I am not mistaken, he smoked at least 3 cigeratte per day! Imagine every day I have to be the second-hand smoker! I can imagine my lungs are now in black colour! I guess no one dare to say anything or raise an issue on that fella as he is one of the top management guy. But, again, he is not being civilized! He doesn't care about his health doesn't mean that he can spoil our health!

Expectedly, I had flu and terrible sore-throat for the next few days. See when you are sick, you can't really enjoy whatever there is for you to enjoy! Food is tasteless. Weather is cold! No matter how luxurious the hotel room is, you basically just feel numb and wish to recover from that annoying sore-throat and running nose.



And for now, I really miss Malaysia! Looking forward to go home soon next week!

P/S : It's amazing I can even write this lengthy post! Please excuse my grammer mistakes and typo error! :p

Frustrated

Frustrated.

I was assigned the most difficult tasks because I am the senior.

I am using an ancient programming language which I am not familiar to perform some enhancement on the system. And the due date is just around the corner.

The fresh grad who sit beside me doesn't help at all. I already am short of time to finish my assignment, yet I am expected to guide him to finish his assignment. In the end, both of us couldn't deliver on the target date. And the next assignment coming in. Another dateline is given. So we have to complete the first assignment and also the next assignment. And I am trying to meet the target date this time. Yet again, the junior beside me doesn't help. He is still struggling with his first assignment and the second deadline is just around the corner. =_='''

I have another 3 assignments to be completed before mid December. And I must complete all assignment by then. Else, I'll not be able to join the next big project which will bring more opportunities to me. And looking at the tasks I have in hands... I am not sure if I could finish them all in time.

Frustrated.

To Change Or Not To Change

It has been a few weeks, or months, that I basically procrastinating in the office. Not because I don't have works to do. Well I have, but I just don't feel like doing them as there's no due date. And yes, that's the bad habit of mine. Always do things last minute. See, I even typed out this post during office hour when I am supposed to finish my works first.

And then lately the thought of hunting for a new job actually came across my mind. Quite shocking to me actually, because I normally won't simply think about changing job. Especially when I have just recently been transferred to a new team working for a new project. Then tonnes of question came into my mind:

Am I bored of my current job? Am I just seeking an easy way out to avoid working so hard? Am I escaping from something? Am I just tired of programming? Or is it something else?

Coincidentally, my current company's Public Relation or Communication/Marketing Manager has resigned and I believe, there should be a vacancy, eventhough I see no sign of the company hiring new staff to fill in the vacancy. I have talked to the manager, and she actually told me that I could be a potential candidate for the replacement. But I'll just have to take the initiative and talk to the boss about my interest in that position.

At the very same time, the Hotel where I coordinated the wedding for my friend recently is hiring staff for hotel event management. Guess I've impressed my friend so much that she actually think I should work there and recommended me to the event management staff in the Hotel. So now I'll just have to wait for the email to reach my mailbox and I can pick it up from there.

Honestly, I am interested in both opportunities. I have always been interested in dealing with customers. More fun and interesting. And to help provide service and satisfy the customers' needs make me feel happy and satisfied as well. (OK, I know you're giggling about me satisfy someone's need?! No?!) I guess I am a customer-driven person. Love to see their happy face knowing that it is because I have helped make their days!

But then again, a person from IT background to PR/Event management, it is such a huge change! I am not sure if that's a mistake?! Deep down inside, I know that I am not a technical person. I don't see myself being in IT field for the rest of my life. And I don't have this great passion in programming as well. So I guess that is one of the good reasons I should consider the opportunities I have in hand now? And then knowing the current economy situation, I am not sure if I am making a mistake to change job. Is it a risk worth taking?

And that's not all. There are a lot more concerns which I am just lazy to describe here. Hmm... Now I know, changing job isn't that easy! Perhaps I should just forget about changing job and stick to my current job. But the thought of sitting in front of the computer doing programming for another few years kills me!

I don't know... :p

Role-Playing Games (RPG)

OK, don't get me wrong! I don't play game. I mean I don't play those video games, xbox, WII bla bla bla... NO NO NO! Those are not for me. Although I used to play MARIO like a maniac when I was young, I don't think I am addicted to playing any of those games nowadays.



However, while coding (Or programming. Or creating a program) today, suddenly the thought of being a slutty bitch today came across my mind. Don't ask me why. I have no specific solid reason for what, why, when, how, where... It's just me! Spontaneous and Impromptu! If you really need an answer, let's just say - Because I am a slutty Bitch today?! Wahaha... Dirty talks, flirty messages... Mmm... come on baby!

Then, I was thinking again, maybe tomorrow I'll be something else. How about a gentleman? Let's see what kind of gentleman I was talking about. Well-educated, well-mannered, well-groomed, what else? Soft-spoken? A man who does everything gracefully and elegantly. OMG, did I just say gracefully? (0_0)''' Oh and definitely wearing suit and tie! Oh my my my! That's so my fetish!



Hmm.., how about the following day? Maybe a construction worker?! Ooooh... A man working under the hot hot sun. Muscular arms and huge pecs. Firm ass with big thighs. Rough, sexy and HOT! Not to mention those muddy t-shirt and the faded jeans? Imagine lifting something and unconsciously flexing those muscles? Ooh... I want to be that man! Sex in the construction site? Ah... one of my fantasy! :p Oops!


Actually there are more, teacher, personal trainer, boss, painter, gigolo... hmm...role playing can be fun. But guess what! That'll only happen in my mind. :p So what do you want to be today?

Communication

I should join communication/marketing line. Or maybe aim to become a communication manager in the next 5 to 10 years. Yes, I enjoy communicating with people. And not just typing email, chatting online or texting sms. I love sitting down face to face and have a good conversation. Doesn't matter if it is for leisure, or a meeting to solve problem, or a simple briefing session to provide information to the audience.



Let's see what I like to do :-

1) Writing email
Ooh yes, I love writing emails. You bet most of my emails are very lengthy and well organized (self-claimed). How I love to greet the recipients with a big wide smile like this --> :D and then enjoy choosing the right and correct words to convey my message in the email. I even enjoy correcting and beautifying each and every line so that the reader will feel comfortable reading it as if they are being pampered by my "soothing" words. Bwahahahaha... Of course there must be a few lines of compliments to the recipients to make them happy or feel respected (even though some of them are bitches and bastards! Oops! :p) Not to forget ending the email with some flowery words to thank their kind attention and/or cooperation etc.

And guess what, I don't mind spending hours and hours to write a good email. I don't mind putting efforts in writing email. I feel great that I managed to pass the message to whoever necessary. And I feel the satisfaction when everything that needed to be said can be put into words and spread around to everyone so they benefit from my "documentary". No wonder I am always the one who were asked to do documentation. :p

Seriously, my english is not superb. Grammer mistakes can be found here and there. I wish I could have more time to read more so that I could enrich my vocabulary. But I guess I can just read blogs and maybe newspaper once in a blue moon to brush up my english.

I have a weird habit though. When I am free, I always browse back my "sent box" and enjoy reading those lengthy emails I wrote. Ah, the satisfaction is just indescribable! Call me a freak? As if I care! :p

2) Attending Meeting
Yes I did mention about how sickening a meeting can be, especially those lengthy and unproductive meeting. But I actually like to go for a meeting. Partly because I can escape from sitting and working in the office all day long until my firm butt went flat; Another part is because I got to meet people. Yippie! I love meeting new people. Oh one more thing! I got to dress up! Yippie, wearing nice shirt, nice pant with a nice tie. Oooh, feel so great about myself! Who doesn't when one is dressing up?!

And during the meeting, I got to improve my speaking skill and people skill. Yes, those are essential skills which we need to acquired in this competitive world. And I enjoy observing people when they speak. The words they used, their body language, how they carry themselves, how they hide their weaknesses and so on. Very interesting!

I am very grateful I took up public speaking class during my university. At least I can speak well enough that the audience understand what I was trying to say. Some just couldn't express themselves and with those "Arr...Err... how to say aar?! You know la?!", not so nice, right?!

Oh and I got to meet hunky stud in suit and tie! HOT HOT HOT! I did went to a meeting with men from foreign countries. They are HUGE! Huge face, huge pecs, huge arms... their shirt so tight I can almost see every single muscles through it.... I was like "OMG, instant erection!" And you know their exotic accent and good look, I almost fail to concentrate on whatever they were trying to say. Luckily I always manage to "keep myself awake" and get things done. Oh how can I forget their firm handshake?! Almost wet my pant! :p


3) Presentation/Briefing
OK, I am not really good in presentation seriously. But once in a while I need to do presentation in order to present my ideas to the colleagues/teammates, or maybe teaching users on how to use the system.

Yes a lot of efforts on preparation need to be done to ensure a successful presentation. You need to know what you are talking about and make sure the audience will understand every single things you say. Yes, I enjoy the process of preparing for a presentation. Preparing slides, put all the contents into points form, picking good examples to help user understand better. Those are fun!

Even though most of the time, the time given for the preparation and very short (yes I hate this part), I still, luckily, managed to prepare well enough to present whatever needed to be presented. And again, I feel satisfied when people understand what I am trying to say. Feel like an educator. So proud of myself. Kakakaka!

Although there is always the Q & A session, which can be scary sometime as you won't know what kind of questions the audience will throw at you. But I guess response like "That's a good questions! I will look into it and get back to you later!" will help keep me out of trouble. But if used too often, I'll be in deep shit too. That's why preparation is so important!

Again, during presentation, you also got to see some more hunky studs. They could be those shy one? Sitting there staring at you while you were talking up front? Or maybe those smart one who throw at you with many many questions after your presentation. LOL... If only those hunky studs were interested, I'll just shut their mouth with mine. Wishful thinking! :p


Hmm... now I know what I like to do. So what do you think my next job will be? Communication Executives? Or telephone operator? Or a clark? Marketing Officer? Customer Service? Hotel Management? Bwahahahaha... most probably I'll still be sitting in front of the computer doing programming! (=_=)'''

The Unfavourable Daily Road Trip

It has always been a problem for people who work in Kuala Lumpur city. And what's that problem? Traffic Congestion. Yes, traffic jammed! Traffic jammed! That's what we people will not stop complaining about.

Stupid traffic jammed!!

Knowing that we will face the traffic congestion problem especially during the 'peak hour' (before office hour and after office hour), most of us would normally have to wake up unreasonably earlier than we should, trying to avoid the traffic congestion. Oh well, it depends on where we live and where we work actually. Some of us are lucky enough to avoid the tragic traffic congestion problem if we were to wake up earlier; Some other just couldn't avoid unless they wake up before the break of dawn and drive all their way without even brushing their teeth and changing to their working attire. OK, I'm exaggerating!

Anyway, to avoid traffic congestion, there are another option other than waking up and go to work earlier. The alternative is to wake up late and go to work late. Oh yes, that's what I chose. Did I not mention I have no discipline? Of course trying not to get myself into trouble, I 'smartly' make sure that I am not the latest person who walked into the office. So if anything happened, I can always say someone is later than me! :P I am such a fucking bastard, I know!

However, yesterday I suddenly thought that maybe I could try wake up earlier and go to the gym first. Yeah, I have been missing my gym session for a few days already. So maybe hitting the gym early in the morning follow by a good breakfast will be a good start for the day, I told myself.

Let's workout in the early morning!

With that in mind, I slept earlier than usual last night and woke up extremely early this morning. And I thought since I woke up so early, I could avoid all the traffic congestion.I happily put on my sport attire, grabbed and gym bag and off I went on the road.

To my surprise, after 10 minutes of driving, I saw lines of cars filling up all the 3 lanes and barely moving. With some idiotic drivers try to cut queue and switch between the lanes, I could already feel my high blood pressure hitting the maximum point and I am gonna explode anytime. Not only that, with those unnecessary honks and motorcyclist sliding in between cars nonchalantly ignoring the cars signals, I just wanna yell and scream out loud! Thank goodness my CD player is playing Kenny G's album which is soothing and relaxing. Otherwise, I would have opened the driver window and shout out loud :"SHUT THE FUCK UP!"

The funny thing is, normally it only takes 30 minutes to reach my office (if I woke up late and hit the road later). But today, I used almost an hour to reach the fitness center. Which means I don't have enough time to workout. I just took a bath, changed into my working attire and off to work.

I can still sleep a while

There is no doubt tomorrow onwards I am gonna wake up late and go to work late. Come on! Wake up earlier and squeeze with others? No way! If the boss accuse me of being late, I'll just tell him the petrol price has gone up high and I don't wanna waste my petrol and suffering with other people. Unless he is willing to increase my salary at least 40%, then I will happily squeeze with other and even sing a happy song early in the beautiful morning! :P

Keep Reading

Do I have to keep reading?!

Having to understand the new system which I am going to maintain and support, I have to read a lot of documentation. The product description, user manuals, operator manuals, system servicing and processing... etc. Most importantly, I also have to understand the whole business concept and logic.

Reading certainly seems to be a very easy task. Just sit there and staring at the monitor reading the word document with only your eye-balls consistently moving from left to right, and left and right, and left and right again. No doubt carrying the weight of my upper body, my bubble butt eventually turned flat. Hence, I occasionally have to remind myself to stand up awhile in hope that it will turn back round and firm instead of being flat down as if I have no butt at all. Eeks! Yucks!

Rather sleep than read!

Oh don't be surprise to catch me dozing off in my own chair with my head hitting my own table a few times. What?! Those documents are so damn boring! Unless it is a novel I would be reading with my eyes wide open and scroll down pages by pages and finished it in no time. Unfortunately those hundreds of pages documents are description and explanation. With lots of boring screen shots and uninteresting description. How can I not feeling sleepy and boring? Sometime, I even feel like vomit!

Oh well, given the choices of reading and entertain fussy customers, I think I will still opt for reading. At least I could still take my own sweet time read. Make myself a green tea, eat some snacks and listen to my favourite songs. Not so bad, right?! I wish I could print out all the document and curl up in my chair reading them. I hate staring the monitor for too long. It hurts my eyes. But then there are too many pages to be printed out. The last thing I wanna faced is being complaint of unnecessarily using too much paper.

Enjoy reading!

Never mind. I recently found out that I could get some e-book and read. Ha! I could switch to read the novel whenever I feel bored about reading those documentation without anyone suspecting I am actually reading a novel. Brilliant, huh?!

Time To Say Goodbye

Months of silence and patience finally come to an end. Oh, happy I am! Excited, I am. Though a little worry and uncertain about the coming future, I guess I am ready to take up the new challenges ahead. Yes, I am officially transferred!

Ahhh... finally!

It marks a turning point of my working life. Definitely! I will have to start everything anew. New skills, new teammates, new supervisor, new environment, new pressures, new customers, new... new new! Ah, 'new' seems so beautiful at times.

It's funny just now I actually feel a little sad to have to let go all the current projects or assignment I have in hand. And to hand over my (just realized) beloved customers to my other teammates, I kinda feel sad and reluctant to let go. It's like giving my babies away. OK, a little exaggerating, but almost the same feeling. You see, I put my greatest efforts in every projects and serve my every clients whole-heartedly. Some of them even have become my good friends now, and they trust me. Not that I don't believe my colleagues who will take over my place will not be as good as I am, but to let go of all the things I build up with my bare hands, it's just a little difficult for me.

It's not easy to let go, honey!

Not only that, I suddenly have more interest and more motivated to do my work and to ensure that my works are done before I hand over to my teammates. Maybe because this will be my last time to do this same old job. Writing email, typing meeting minutes, performing testing with users, attend to user's request, even answering to user's call is a little bit more interesting than usual.

Oh receiving an email from my supervisor asking me to start doing the hand over, I happily list down all my current tasks/job, customers I support and all the other remaining ad hoc assignment I have in hands. To my surprise, I have handled so many things, alone! While feeling a little proud of myself, I wonder how my teammates are gonna survive. Surely they will have to suffer for a few months to get used to the extra workloads. Oh I am so having the feeling that they will certainly curse me in the coming future. Oh well, why should I care?!

Take it like a man, dude!

Now that I will be leaving the team soon. Very soon, indeed. I have got to finish all my unfinished work in hands. I shouldn't leave a whole mess to my colleagues. Part of me feel a little guilty that all my jobs/works will have to be bear by my teammates; Another part of me is laughing out loud that finally I will be free to soar higher!!! Oh, and I just heard that my team is starting to hire new staff. Bless 'em!

And So You Speak

I'm a bitch! Yeah, that's what I always tell one of my colleague, my ex-colleague actually. Apparently she "hopped" into another company recently due to don't know what reason. As if I give a damn. Anyway, I guess only both of us speaking English to each other in the office. Maybe that's what make her different. And yeah, she has this unique accent in speaking English, British accent? I'm not sure. But when talking to her in English, I myself will start to imitate her accent and talk to her in that particular accent. Funny as it may seem, but I kinda like it.

Speak to me, bitch!

Anyway, due to our strong accent, no doubt the other colleagues around us will look at us in one kind as if we're aliens from MARS communicating in a language only we know. How pathetic! I also find some of them give us that "urgh" look as if we're pretending to speak like a British. I can already predict the following conversation.

Lady A : Do they have to speak like that?
Lady B : Cheh, they just want to show off only ma. So what?!
Lady A : Ya lor. Speak so good for what? I speak manglish also can survive ler...
Lady B : Ya la. Speak until like a banana! So men-siasui-kan. I doubt they being chinese know how to speak chinese or not.

Bi-a-tches! Never mind. But I do have to admit that when we both speak, we really try to speak good english with some bad words such as ass, bullshit... ok not so bad after all. And it makes me feel good. Cause not many people speak good English with me in the office. And I don't like that. Not that I don't like to speak mandarin or Cantonese with colleagues, but they don't speak proper mandarin (Pu Tong Hua) nor accurate Cantonese. And that just make everything seem so unprofessional.

Don't talk to me!

Well, that's just me. Now that she's gone, and I have no one to speak English with in the office. Only with customers. How pathetic?! Oh did I mention most of my customers don't speak good English as well?! They would mix some words with their own native language which make everything seem, again, so unprofessional! And to be more "down-to-earth", I have to speak their language with extra words like "la", "hor", "meh", "ya" at the beginning or right at the end of each phrase. And so I have to follow them "lo", just in case they don't understand.

In fact, I am not so good in English neither. I am not the one who got an A for 1119 English or a debater who can speak English so fluently that they can use their mouth and shoot people off. But at least I try to be more professional and speak good English. Else, how would people wanna respect you when your sentences are full with "Arr", "la","hor","lo"... Maybe that's just them.

Huh?! What's with the "la" and the "ha"?

So now I vow to read more, speak more good English with customers and even write more (yeah lotsa emails and meeting minutes will certainly help). That's one skill I should acquire and master!