Languishing

This is definitely one of those days that I could easily break down and cry for all the reasons I need to cry over. Knowing the fact that "Life can be a pain at the ass, so deal with it!", surprisingly I managed to not shed a tear, maybe not yet.


I was being 'hit' so hard that for one moment I felt numb and don't know how to react nor response. It's like being hit by a car when you least expected it and you lost all your senses. Yeah, I actually felt that way. Until I finally got back my senses, the pain was terribly hurting.

At time like this, I felt tired. Exhausted. It's like the whole world is tumbling down and I couldn't fucking give a damn anymore.

Apparently I am not good enough. I don't know how. Seriously, I really don't know how. After all these years, I thought I've been doing ok. Little did I know that I can be hated so badly that I almost doubted everything good about myself. And, I really don't know how.

Oh well, no one is perfect. I have my weaknesses and many areas to improve. I gotta keep trying to be better.

Somehow, I find comfort in the following song. Let me be emotional... at least for now...

If you could only see that I was not put here for you

To judge me and dispute my in most truth

And after all these years of enmity, envy and tears

It's a shame you don't know me at all

I was wondering

Would you cry for me

If I told you that I couldn't breath

If I was drowning, suffocating

If I told you that I couldn't breath

Those ageless buried recollections

We transform them and select them

You have yours, I have mine, that's fine

Why are we too torn to heal

Our stitches never disappear

I have mine, you have yours, I'm sure

I was wondering

Would you reach for me

If you saw that I was languishing

I was wondering

Would you cry for me

If I told you that I couldn't breath

If I was drowning, suffocating

If I told you that I couldn't breath

Grindr-ing

And so I have bought an iPhone, like 2 months ago. Why suddenly buy? Part of it because of the annoyance from my brother who keep asking me to buy; Another part of it is I really wanted to test how 'smooth' apple product can be. I was told that iPhone never hang, the touch-screen is very sensitive and the responsiveness is superb; Of course, iPhone can download many application (or known as apps) that can keep the user entertained and never get bored. Oh yes, and one of the application I was, and still am dying to have my hand on is the gay-friendly application - Grindr!


And so it was Digi which suddenly came out with this iDigi plan for iPhone that successfully seduced me and I was so weak and desperate I fell for its "attractiveness" and "seduction". I swiped my credit card and am now bound to the iDigi plan for 2 years. It feels like I have had a one-night-stand and suddenly the girl (as if that would ever happen) got knocked-up. Suddenly I ter-kahwin (accidentally got married) and have to stuck with this girl for 2 years, luckily not forever! Damn, I was so desperate!

Back to the Grindr. I was first introduced during one of my friend's birthday party. Oh I was amazed by the convenience and easiness to get a "hook-up"! Fucked, it's really like an instant hook-up. It's so much better than the chatroom in gay.com or whatever profile you can put online. You can instantly know the nearest gay man available (or not) at your finger tips. Just open the app, grindr will scan and find the nearest gay man for you. Shit, for a single man like me, I MUST GET ONE! So that's what I thought. Expectedly, one of the first few apps that I downloaded when I have my iPhone in hand of course is Grindr. Setting up my profile and everything was done like in less than one minute?! Hahaha... And I wait. And wait. And wait. And... still waiting...

Too shy to initiate a conversation or what-so-ever. As if typing a word "Hi" would make me come out of the closet. So what I did was just browsing through the list with all those men photos displaying on my iPhone screen in full glory. Whoa, men men men! Yummy yummy yummy! Occasionally, I received an instant message with a simple "Hi" or "Hello", I would just "Hi" back or "Hello" back. Some just ended there, some followed by "Do you want your cock to be sucked?" or "Top or bottom?". I was like :"What the hell?!"

And days gone by. I did made some friends through grindr. Some are just chatting online. Some I added on facebook since they have it posted on the grindr. Amazingly, they accepted my friend request. Oh yes, some of them are HOT! Hahaha... I eventually braved enough to initiate a conversation when I see guys that I like. But sadly, some of them not are really responsive. Perhaps I'm not their type?! Guess that's part of the whole game, ya.

Another thing I like about grindr is that it makes me feel gay is everywhere. I used to think that gay men are very few in Malaysia. Like out of 100 people, there's only 1 man who is gay. But with grindr, it makes me feel differently. It's like everywhere we can find gay man. I mean the people who has iPhone (or other phone which support grindr), and have it installed in their phone and using actively, I already can feel gay man is everywhere. What about those who doesn't use grindr? I think gay population is getting bigger, no?! Hahaha...

Apart from getting to know more friends through grindr, I also like to observe the people on grindr. Some men change their photo, from showing only their face, to showing their face+shoulder, then half naked. Unfortunately no naked photo allowed on grindr. Else, will be banned. Hahaha... and to observe how far is this man from you. 1 mile? 2000 feet away or something. Oh I even get instant message from penang or even Thailand! How cool! And one thing I find it somewhat scary is that, there is this fella who stay like 800 feet away from me. Definitely a neighbour! Hahaha... I also noticed some people are having 2 iphones (or 2 phones which support grindr). Coz I saw two photos with the same person on my list. Hehehe...

Well, no matter how convenient it may be, I am still struggling to find my Mr Right. Grindr can be one way. But it's still full of people who only want one-night-stand, or just chat buddy, gym buddy or even food buddy. I have no objection to what they want. But when it comes to what I really want or need, I am not so sure if grindr is everything. Undoubtedly it gives me the convenience to get to know more gay men. In the end, it's still up to me to date someone and to see if he is my Prince Charming or not.

So, I'll continue grindr-ing. Wish me luck, ya!

The Begin After The End

Happy New Year 2010!

I know it's already the 10th day of the new year, but I guess it's still early enough to wish anyone a very happy new year. Good wishes and loves are meant to be spread around. Hahaha...

I actually intent to revamp this blog. OK, not revamp. Maybe just to change the look and feel of this site. Just to have the feeling of 'new' or 're-new'. Apparently my attempt has, again, failed. I started with replacing the blog header photo with a photo which showing my not-as-sexy pecs. How daring I can be! Thought I should put something that show something about me on this blog. Too bad, my pecs is not as appealing as this current pecs shown in the blog header photo. At the end, I gave up changing and put back up this original photo.

I then tried to change the colour of the blog. I thought my blog is just dark. Not cheerful and somewhat depressing. So I thought I should get rid of the black colour background. I like blue. So I changed the background colour to dark blue and the text to light blue. Different blue for the link, the side border etc. However, it just doesn't feel right. Awkward and uncomfortable with the new look and feel. At the end, I changed everything back.

I guess I am not ready to change. Gosh, lack of flexibility and adaptability. A sign of aging? Or perhaps I don't have the good picture yet of how I want my new blog to be. Whatever! This reminded me of the status I have written my facebook few days ago that I started feel the lack of strength and ability to do those things I wish to do. Pretty annoying seriously!

Anyway, about the new year. Oh, it is great so far! I had a good time with ex-colleagues on the first day evening of the new year. We had a small gathering at my house and enjoyed every single moment laughing and chatting. It's been a long time since I last laughed out so loud that it hurt my throat! Hahaha...

Work wise... ok as well. I managed to cope well with the assignment and tasks given. Get along better now with the team members. Just need to put more efforts to build up trust between the team members and me. And I figured I need to be more disciplined. Sometime working from home is not a good idea for me. I tend to spend more time on surf net, chatting, watch drama and porn (yes I do) than working! Hahaha... Oh well, that's one of the 'welfare/benefit' of working in this company. I just need to constantly remind myself not to abuse the 'convenience' given and make sure I do my job and deliver whatever expected on time.

Health wise... I think I bulked up... on my belly! Damn it! I hate it! I want to bulk up on my pecs and arms and shoulders and ... definitely not my belly! But uuurrrggghhh... my belly just can't stop growing bigger! Guess I need to do more sit-ups and monitor my sitting posture! Yeah my sitting posture definitely is the main contribution to my big belly. I tend to hunch my back which eventually push my belly out front. =_='''

On the good side, I hit the gym more often than I used to. Been addicted to BodyPump class lately. Thanks to the gorgeous and hunky instructor. Of course, I initially attended the class just wanted to see he flex his muscles while doing those exercises. Gosh, I once chose a place right in front of him and I got to 'examine' his legs, thighs... (I wish I can go further up to the area between his legs), his biceps, triceps, pecs... Urgh... so 'motivating'! You bet I did a great work out in his class! The good thing is I really did a full body work out. OK, maybe almost full. The sad news is that now he seems not instructing the class anymore according to the new class schedule! Damn it! I hope this is just temporarily. He is my main motivation to hit the gym and work out!

Love or relationship... Hahaha... still single. How pathetic! But I guess I am ready for a relationship. I used to have a lot of concerns and too caught up with many things which I also not quite sure what they are. But now since I am more settled down and got to have a lot of time for myself, I guess I am more ready for a relationship. Just need to stop thinking about the negativity of having a relationship. The lost of freedom, the lack of personal space and time, the questions from friends and family about that special someone, the phobia of AIDS/HIV... Silly me!

About looking for boyfriend/partner, I used to have a very high expectation. He must have great personality, great sense of humour, hunky, ok-looking if not good-looking, can have a great intellectual conversation with me... I was basically looking for Mr. Perfect! Not that I didn't realize my unreasonable and stupid expectation, sub-consciously I guess I was hoping the fairy-tales I saw on TV will become reality. And sometime when I re-examined myself, I painfully found that I am not not as good as I expected myself to be. So who am I to deserve the Mr Perfect I thought I wanted to be with? Then, I will stop looking and thought I should improve myself to be a better person first. Hahaha... come to think of it, I am quite stupid in a way!

Oh well, it's new year. I don't quite agree with "new year new beginning". In fact, everything keeps on going. It's just me that choose to change something along the way on this so-called special moment of time, known as the end of year 2009 and the begin of year 2010. Whatever it is, I hope from this point onwards, things are getting better and better, for you and for me.