Being Contend

Being bored and has nothing to do this afternoon (which is quite a surprise or miracle), I basically bugging everyone I know on my gtalk chat list and trying to strike up a conversation. Too bad most of them were busy or caught up with their works and so on. Oh well, can't really blame them. I am the one who was abnormally free this afternoon.

Free to play with me?!

Anyway, I got to chat with this friend of mine whom I always look for whenever I feel bored. Because she is such a talkative person. Once start, she can't seem to stop. And that's what I needed for this afternoon. Listening to her telling me endless stories from office, colleagues, family to some unknown person she likes or dislikes. Yes, and I just listened and laughed. No doubt my colleagues sitting next to me would have wondered why was I smiling ever so widely at the monitor screen. As if I care! :p

Anyway, I was shocked when she told me she used to be a beggar. Yes, you hear me right, a beggar she was! Then she told me that sad and depressing story of hers. She was too young then so couldn't remember much of the detail. But that's what she was told by her (adopting) parents. Poor her.

Don't make me beg!

Saddening as it may be. But I'm just glad she has a family now and don't have to go beg in the street. My family used to be very poor too. I remember there was once when mom said we didn't have money to buy food and the whole family just eat maggie mee for dinner. I remember that well. Yet, we were all happy then. Partly because I love to eat maggie mee (regardless what flavour it is), and my parents made it sounds like we were having maggie mee feast. LOL... But we did know that we were poor enough to have a proper dinner.

And the poverty (hardly poverty la) didn't last long. We soon have good supplies of food and decent clothes and parents always make sure we are under a secured roof. :D Love'em so much!

So looking and counting on what I have and possessed now, I am pretty thankful. A nice house to live in. A family to be with. A nice and decent bedroom with my newly-bought computer desktop and so on. Even got myself a decent job with a good salary. Guess I should be contend.

But then again, human is always greedy. Desires and wants. I want to have an air-cond in my bedroom. I want to buy new shirts, new shoes, new underwear! More books. And maybe go traveling around the world once in awhile... and I want more salary income.

Maybe a little peace within will be enough...

I guess I failed terribly for being contend! :P

Man-Hunt in the Chatroom

It was years ago when everyone was so into IRC that I basically logged on into mirc every single day during my secondary school. I don't know why I did that but I guess it was just for fun. It was kind of stupid actually where I basically chatted with my schoolmates who I met everyday in the school. It was as if meeting and attending class together in school for half of the day wasn't good enough, and we still have to log on online into mirc and chatted the hell out of us.

Wanna meet up, sexy?!

It was also during that period when the naughty part of me entering the naughty chat room gaymalaysia and chatted with some strangers who will always start their conversation as follow :-

Stranger : Hi
Me : Hi
Stranger : a/s/l
Me : What?
Stranger : a/s/l
Me : What is a/s/l?
Stranger : Age/Sex/Location
Me : Oh...

Yeah that stupid "a/s/l" thingie. And then I also stupidly started any conversation by using that phrase. As if it's the opening phrase, a pick-up line, a greeting? OK, hardly pick up line nor greeting. But that was what happened. And not just that. People can come up with so many different funny names likes : hornyguy, dick-sucker, gwmforgam, gamforgwm, hotstud, fukbuddy, hotchistud, lickme...etc. Oh, what the hell. Even I put a screenname : desperado. Yeah I was that desperate. Nothing happened though. No meet-ups or anything. Just a few cybersex and phonesex which again I soon found it boring and pathetic!

From then on, I never log on mirc or anything like that. First I find it very unreal to chat to a stranger online. Yeah we can remain anonymous and speak freely. But there was this emptiness after each conversation that make me feel worthless and meaningless. I rather engage in a real conversation where I can talk to a person face-to-face and know each other better. I love watching and observing a person. Especially those I am really interested in. Hahaha... Who doesn't?

Mmm... you're hot!

I guess it has been a decade since I last logged on to any chatroom and chat with some stranger. Just talked to a few bloggers who I know from some other blogger... well at least I got to know them better through their blogs, even though I haven't met most of them. So realizing I should enlarge my circle of friends, especially the gay friends, I thought I should start socialize.

But that's a bit difficult. First, I am still in the closet. Second, I had once joined a gaythering and made a fool out of myself. Third, I am a very homey person. I enjoy staying at home in my room enjoying my own space when I'm free. And I hardly free. Thanks to my works which keep me busy all week days. Hmm... Not good. Not good. So then I was told that I should log on to gay.com and hook up with some one. OK, not really hook-up but made some decent friends. Ha! Going back to high school again? That's what I thought.

Anyway, no harm giving it a try. So I registered and signed myself up and enter the chat room. No doubt there are a lot of people. With those nicknames, and yes some even sounded very slutty. And with the screennames like "look4funtonite", everyone knows what he was up to. But then I told myself not to be scared away by those people, there should be some nice and decent people who really look for a sincere and kind friend. Searching through the namelist in the chatroom with photos, I started chatted with some guys. Of course, being a potato queen, I was looking for caucasian man. :P But for heaven's sake, most of them can be my daddy already. No offence, but I am not into daddy type. Thank you very much! :P

Oh well, of course there were some other guys try to chat with me, but some of them just, again, not my type. Hate myself for being so demanding and a potato queen. I might as well move to Europe or something.

And then I got to chat with this hot guy. So hot that I thought he might be the one. (I can be so innocent and stupidly naive, sometime.) We chatted a little while. Then I later found out he has a boyfriend already. And yet he still ask me out to meet which I shyly declined. Well, maybe his intention was just wanna meet up and be friend. But I guess there'll be part of me(or him) who want to be more than just friend. So better stay away from trouble and move on. :p

You can have me. I'm not taken!

Online chat? Chances of getting a decent and sincere friend is so small, though I have to admit some of them are seriously good in flirting with people. Maybe I could learn some from them. Who knows it might comes in handy someday in the future?!

Guilty Pleasure

I did it! For almost a decade since I last had such intimacy with a man. So what happened? I won't go into detail. However, I will give you a few words or phrase, and you can somehow relate and create your own stories. So here goes the words/phrases : Sauna room, two horny men, blow-job, hand-job.

I know you want it! Just say it!

There, I said it. You put all the pieces together with your ever so creative imagination. I think it is not difficult at all to put them together. Anyway, what matter most is the aftermath. There are mixture of feelings actually. Pleasure, guilty, anxiety and disheartening.

Pleasure
The whole experience was adventurous. And the adventure itself actually spice up the whole thing. I am not the person who wholeheartedly agree to anonymous sex but being a single man for more than a decade when sex is only between me and my hands, it does not really help to keep my sanity then when there was a hot man there offering whatever I need. So I guess my sanity "went down" and I lost control when my cock was up. I can't really say I enjoyed the sex because we were just to worry someone would walk into the room. And yes, apparently in the end, someone walked in and we have to end our "session" immediately and walked out of the room into our separate way. No ejaculation. Period.

No. No satisfying ending.

Guilty
There are two main reasons why I felt guilty. First is of course to commit in an anonymous sex. I always think that sex should involves love and that love will improve sex. What we did were merely satisfying our desires and nothing more than that. Just like animal without thought and wisdom. Shame on me. And there might be a lot of negative consequences (such as S.T.D.s etc), but I only offered him hand-job and did not blow him which lead me to another reason of feeling guilty, because he blew me. I felt like I have exploited him somehow. But being a paranoid, I am just too afraid to risk my health for a short pleasurable moment. Who knows if he is clean or not?

Anxiety
Having those guiltiness, I also think about what if we were being caught red-handed. Maybe the one who walked in the room at the end somehow knew what we were doing and made a report or something. Will we be charged and put into jail? What about my life and my career? What if the room is equipped with CCTV? Negative thoughts flow into my head and it is overwhelming. I am anxious. Suddenly regret for being so stupid! I shouldn't have done it in the public. Fucked!

Disheartening
Yes, being gay in this country is just disheartening. I can say it over and over again and it is still the same. To make things even more difficult, I am still in the closet and I don't see the chance of coming out in the near future. Wearing mask, hiding feelings... in the closet. Shy away in the darkness. Even the tears had already gone dry. Will I be a single man for my whole life? No doubt anonymous sex does not do me any good as you can see there are more negative feelings in my list here. Until the day I meet the right man, I guess I shall go through the sex drought season and really live as a monk who keep his sexual desire to the minimum level.

Forever a bachelor.

Guilty Pleasure. Certainly more guilty than pleasure. Dammit!

They Don't Speak

They don't fucking say anything!

Should've said something!

Yes, that's basically what I want to say. Why? Here is the story.

The boss gathered everyone in the meeting room to kick off a new project. After "pouring out" all his requirement and expectation, he asked if anyone has any questions. No one spoke. He further explained what he wanted and then asked again for a deadline when we can deliver whatever he needs. Everyone kept quiet. Silence kicked in. Every seconds seems like forever when everyone's looking down as if they're observing and analyzing their own shoes. The boss then proposed a deadline and asked if we have any problem with that. Silence is the only response. So he assumed everyone is fine with the propose deadline. The gathering was then dismissed.

Fucked! How are we gonna do? What is the first thing that we need to do? In the end, we eat our own shit!

And that's not only the case. Today, again, while we were having our own discussion among ourselves, the boss came in and joined us. Suddenly everyone kept quiet. Some look at the white board. Some look at the own scratch book don't know drawing what shit. Some other just look at the others.

Say something! Say something!

The boss found a chair and sat. Looking at the whiteboard too and waiting for something. Then suddenly everyone look at me. I look back at them. Made a frown. Some ladies giggled a bit and the nearby colleague then whispered to me saying that I should start say something. I was like :"Excuse me! Why me?!" Then that usual silence surrounded us again like a cold wind making me shiver. I hate that awkward situation. The boss never said anything. He just sat there. And all of them were suddenly dumb.

Hating that kind of situation, I then courageously stood up and offered to explain whatever we've discussed so far to the boss. Situation got better after I broke the ice. At least there was interaction between the boss and us. Phew!

I don't understand. Why is it so difficult for them to speak in front of the boss?! Besides, those seniors should have known their boss better than me. Oh gosh, how am I suppose to work with this bunch of people who are scared to even speak to their boss? Or is it because they don't want to be accountable for whatever being discussed or proposed? So they better keep quiet and if anything happened, they will not be the one to be blamed. I don't know. And I don't want to know.

What more can I say!?

I should have known. Yes, moving from one team to another team means starting all over again. No, it's more than that. A lot more than that. Besides starting anew, I need to do a lot more to prove my sincerity to join the new team and to build trust between the new members and me. To make things more difficult and complicated, I have to prove to the new boss my capabilities and loyalty. After all, I am just a newbie...