Guilty Pleasure

I did it! For almost a decade since I last had such intimacy with a man. So what happened? I won't go into detail. However, I will give you a few words or phrase, and you can somehow relate and create your own stories. So here goes the words/phrases : Sauna room, two horny men, blow-job, hand-job.

I know you want it! Just say it!

There, I said it. You put all the pieces together with your ever so creative imagination. I think it is not difficult at all to put them together. Anyway, what matter most is the aftermath. There are mixture of feelings actually. Pleasure, guilty, anxiety and disheartening.

Pleasure
The whole experience was adventurous. And the adventure itself actually spice up the whole thing. I am not the person who wholeheartedly agree to anonymous sex but being a single man for more than a decade when sex is only between me and my hands, it does not really help to keep my sanity then when there was a hot man there offering whatever I need. So I guess my sanity "went down" and I lost control when my cock was up. I can't really say I enjoyed the sex because we were just to worry someone would walk into the room. And yes, apparently in the end, someone walked in and we have to end our "session" immediately and walked out of the room into our separate way. No ejaculation. Period.

No. No satisfying ending.

Guilty
There are two main reasons why I felt guilty. First is of course to commit in an anonymous sex. I always think that sex should involves love and that love will improve sex. What we did were merely satisfying our desires and nothing more than that. Just like animal without thought and wisdom. Shame on me. And there might be a lot of negative consequences (such as S.T.D.s etc), but I only offered him hand-job and did not blow him which lead me to another reason of feeling guilty, because he blew me. I felt like I have exploited him somehow. But being a paranoid, I am just too afraid to risk my health for a short pleasurable moment. Who knows if he is clean or not?

Anxiety
Having those guiltiness, I also think about what if we were being caught red-handed. Maybe the one who walked in the room at the end somehow knew what we were doing and made a report or something. Will we be charged and put into jail? What about my life and my career? What if the room is equipped with CCTV? Negative thoughts flow into my head and it is overwhelming. I am anxious. Suddenly regret for being so stupid! I shouldn't have done it in the public. Fucked!

Disheartening
Yes, being gay in this country is just disheartening. I can say it over and over again and it is still the same. To make things even more difficult, I am still in the closet and I don't see the chance of coming out in the near future. Wearing mask, hiding feelings... in the closet. Shy away in the darkness. Even the tears had already gone dry. Will I be a single man for my whole life? No doubt anonymous sex does not do me any good as you can see there are more negative feelings in my list here. Until the day I meet the right man, I guess I shall go through the sex drought season and really live as a monk who keep his sexual desire to the minimum level.

Forever a bachelor.

Guilty Pleasure. Certainly more guilty than pleasure. Dammit!

Temptation

I learned that people at my age should fuck around. Well, let's put it this way, should have sex regularly to keep one's mind sane and physically healthy. Apparently having sex boost up our immune system and bla bla bla.... good for our health. And so I know.

"Hey, let's have sex here, and now!"

Unfortunately having no partner to have sex with doesn't help. Come on, I am young and I have need. And being a male make things worse. Apparently the testosterone always play tricks when you least expected it to be. I guess I do not elaborate further. Sex sex sex... anything to do with sex, we won't get bored with it. From the sexy images (visual) to the moaning/groaning sound of pleasure (audio), eww... suddenly I feel like vomit. Oh I forgot I am a pervert! Well, who isn't?!

So being a single and desperate grown man, I am very high-alerted with hunky and handsome stud around. My radar and the sixth (or seventh, eighth...) sense is so sensitive that once hunky stud is detected, the alarm in my head will start to ring so loud that it was as if my whole body is on fire and gonna explode. And so my eyes will start to be naughty scanning that hunk from head to toe (I was about to say top to bottom, oh well). You know, like my glasses was one of the sophisticated gadget I have which will list out all the detail about that hunk... how big is the arms, chest size, the bun, the face.... ok everything! :P Damn, side effect after watching so many marvel's movie!

Nice arms, nice abs...

That's what happened actually when I was out tonight to celebrate Mother's Day with the whole family in a nearby cafe. Apparently there was this hunky waiter. Ah, he is SO fine! Almost as attractive as the man I have a crush on. At first I did not notice him. But him being so dedicated and hardworking walking up and down serving the customers rang the alarm in my head. Did I mention he has good smile? Oh, once noted, scanning started. From his hair style, down to his face, down to his neck, to his shoulder, arms, chest, stomach (oh he has no big belly, perfect! I hope nice abs too!) , to his firm butt... ok, good enough!

How nice it was to check him out once in a while. You know it was such a great sight to me, to see a man working dedicatedly. I almost excused myself from the table and grabbed him back into the some rooms behind the kitchen or wash room and just french-kissing him. Ah, fantasy! Day dreaming... Luckily I didn't have my saliva dripping out of my mouth while watching the hunky waiter walking here and there serving customers.

Damn, he's so fine!

I did purposely ask him over to have our dessert served so I can have a closer look at him. As I said, he's SO fine! LOL... Call me whatever, I deserved to be served! But I hope no further. You know it's true that sometimes things can be so beautiful from a far. But the closer and the more you look, the uglier they become. Well, not entirely true. But I believe that once we see things that are beautiful, then let it be beautiful entirely in your mind. Just like this handsome waiter, I will never know how good or bad his personality is. But base on his out-look, let's just assume he is kind hearted, funny and charming. LOL... pathetic, I know! :P

I would be lying if I said I am not desperate to have a boyfriend or a partner. But I wouldn't want to have a boyfriend just because I need sex. Oh don't tell me about sex buddy. I am so not into that. And I have many concerns So many that some of them could be pathetically unreasonable, yet they're good enough for me to have myself stay single for as long as I need. I guess I am not ready yet. So I guess the so-called faithful partner I have is... my hands which loyally and dedicatedly be there whenever I need them. Ah, talk about unconditional love. Nothing is better than our hands, isn't it? They sure know what to do when we are in need. Don't ask me what kind of 'need'. But I might have that 'need' after watching the following clips :



HOT HOT HOT!!! Before I faint, just in case you do not know, that HOT stud is Eddie Cibrian!

*Fainted*