Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Being Caught In The Middle

You know there are times in our life that we will be caught in the situation whereby we do not know whether to say yes to this or to say no to that. And it is so hard to make the absolutely right decision that we wish we could just close our eyes for just one moment and the situation will turn better for a bit. Yeah right! And lately I have been in that kind of situation in many ways.

I am in such a mess!

Between Two Bosses
Oh yeah, I have been slowly transferring to the new team to work on a new project recently. But the process of transferring is so slow that I still have to work on my previous project and at the same time focus more on my current project. In short, I have to work on two projects at a time. And I have to report to two bosses at the same time as well. Of course, my priority will be my current project. But when there are things that I needs or if I want to apply for leave, I wonder if I should apply from my previous supervisor or my current supervisor. Not sure if I will offend any one of them whoever I decided to report to. Computer memory space not enough, should I get from old boss or new boss? My monthly claim should report to the old boss or the new boss? Awkward awkward awkward!

Between Morality and Sexuality
I was brought up in a conservative chinese family which value morality. And we are so sincere as a Buddhist that I even attended Buddhist teaching classes and took the examination. Oh did I mention I even got an A1 in my SPM Pendidikan Moral? A1, man! You think easy aar?! Not many people can get it you know! Hah! While I was shamelessly boasting about how good I am in understanding the theory of moral, I am basically immoral. We were taught not to have sex until the day we got married! How funny is that?! Sex in the sauna room, surfing porn sites, downloading and watching porn clips while wanking... Oh homosexuality! Tsk tsk tsk... it's even illegal in this country. Wait a minute. Was it homosexuality that is illegal or the act of sodomy is illegal? I am not sure myself. But I was taught that being gay is immoral. Men are supposed to be with women. Men and women, that's natural. Oh well, I like men! Welcome to my real world!

Men! Sex! And Men!

Between Dreams and Reality
I have always want to pursue my music career. May it be a singer, a piano teacher, a performer... anything about music. I love playing piano so much that I could play on the piano for hours without feeling bored. I love singing so much that I would sing my heart out every now and then. But where am I now? Working in an IT firm at least 12 hours a day (and even during weekend sometimes) just to have sufficient income to pay my study loan and also to support my family. No time to practice piano, no time to improve my singing skill. Luckily I can still attend choir practice at least once a week to have a good time, but that does not help to improve my singing skill. Well maybe it will, but it will take a very long time.

What am I gonna do?!

I don't know. Like I said. I wish I could just close my eyes and just live my life. Guess I am still doing it. And not sure where this will lead me to. Urgh! Thinking all this itself is tiring! Sucks!


Jason said...

Irony? Why should be gay = immoral? Hmm....

Hidden Me said...

Cant agree to the way u say that being gay is immoral.. Hmm.. By that rule, I would also be some sort of an immoral creature.. :-(

Alex said...

For goodness sake, shake off those ridiculous religious ideas that homosexuality is immoral!!! As long you do thing consensually and safely, you should not be denied of pleasure of your only life.