Take a weekend afternoon for an example.
I was like, hmm..., maybe I could make myself a cup of tea and read the magazine. That sounds very enjoyable. And then another thought interrupted: How about playing the piano? I have a few pieces to practice and now seems like a good time. While busy choosing between the two options, I was busy facebook-ing, browsing the latest "news-feed" busy-bodying over people's interesting (or matter-of-factly uninteresting) life or comment or post. And then another idea pop in: maybe I should watch a movie. I have a few movies that I have yet to watch, such as The King's Speech, The Black Swan, Burlesque and so on. And then another inner voice of me suddenly objected and said :"Watching a movie will simply kill few hours of time. You should do something more meaningful and valuable for that few hours." OK, what am I suppose to do which are meaningful and valuable? Cleaning my own bedroom? Oh, help mom sweep the floor? Oh, weekend is suppose to relax and enjoy yourself. Maybe I should just catch up with my drama series. But I have so many series. Which one should I choose? Again, while my head is busy choosing which drama to watch, facebook kept updating me with my friends' "latest news" I eventually forgot that I should pick one drama series and watch. At the end, I did nothing. The only thing I remember I was doing is busy deciding what to do (which happened only in my head) while busy facebook-ing.
Referring to the dictionary, indecisive means (of a person) not having or showing the ability to make decisions quickly and effectively. Oh yes, that's so me in that case!
How come?! Since when I become such an indecisive person and basically wasted the whole afternoon just like that. I could've done something more satisfying. Gosh, even watching a movie could be satisfying. A good movie, I mean. At least a good movie can be inspiring, entertaining or touching. Better than me busy deciding and in the end, nothing. Vain. Void. Urgh, the unproductiveness, the unfruitfulness, and the emptiness are so frustrating that they could be a pain in the ass. (Oops, how come it sounds a bit salah (wrong) here?!)
In fact, I noticed not only me having this problem. For example, during lunch time, my colleagues and I always have problem choosing where to eat and what to eat. Same goes with dinner, family members always having trouble deciding where to dine.
Is it because we have too many options or choices, and that requires a lot of our efforts to choose, to weigh the values for each option, to filter those bad choices, and to re-evaluate all the remaining options we have and choose again. The process of choosing can be so daunting and tedious that we eventually give up and walk away. Leaving things where they are, hoping everything will turn out right. Yes, we walk away and hope for someone who will eventually make a decision, or something will happen and leave us no choice but to choose that option, or just simply ignore it as it's not life-threatening anyway.
I started to think why am I having problem choosing or selecting something?
I think ultimately, I'm just afraid to choose because I don't have the courage to bear the consequences. What if the decision I make is wrong? If the decision is wrong, will I be able to make it right? Will I be able to face the consequences?
Oh yes, life can be harsh some times and the last thing you want to do is get yourself hurt again. So I'm always careful. So careful that sometime I think doing nothing is the best I could do. Having said that, when come to decision making, I've always consider whether or not I would be hurt, whether or not I will be happy and feel comfortable with it, whether or not I have the ability to deal with whatever that are coming after that. If I doubt it, automatically, I stop making decision. Put it on hold. KIV. Unfortunately, it seems like I am putting everything on hold and KIV that I ended up deciding nothing. Hence, doing nothing but procrastinating. It's pathetic, I know!
Perhaps having no choice would be easier. That way, I think I will be much more productive. I remember during school time, I could finish a lot of home-works assigned by the teacher. I'm still amazed by how I could finish all the exercises for so many subjects that we learnt in school. Oh yes, everyone has no choice but to finish them all and submit the next day to be marked by the teacher. Wait a minute, there's choice, either do your home-works or being punished in front of all your classmates by the teacher the next day. But most of us would not choose the latter.
Maybe I shouldn't be too hard on myself. Just simply choose anything and just fucking do it. Yeah, just fucking do it and stick to it until I finish it. I think some time I worried too much and I ended up doing nothing. Yeah, like the weekend afternoon, I should've just pick one choice and stick to it and finished it. Let's say I choose to play piano, I should just don't care about other option and fucking play for at least 2 hours until I got my hands exhausted. Then I can stop and choose another one, say read magazine. I should just throw all the other available options behind my head and just fucking enjoy reading the magazine. After all, it's just to spend a weekend afternoon. Not like making life-changing decision. Guess I've made everything looks difficult and complicated.
Of course, when dealing with life-changing issues, I should be more serious in making the right decision. But I guess for small matter, when there are too many options, just simply choose one and do it. Stick to it and finish it. If it turns out bad, just learn from the mistake and don't do it anymore. Yeah, if you like it, you know you'll do it again and again. That's part of the learning process when we live our life, right?! I think so.
Oh crap, just another rambling post! At least I stick to it and fucking finish writing this.