Tuesday, June 03, 2008

Failure

Failure. A word so simple, can be so hurtful.

Damn, I failed!

You see, when I was young, failure never seem to be something I will face. Everything I did will be a success at the end. Never failed my exam. Never lost terribly in any competition. If not the first, I would get the second. What is failure? It was very strange to me.

Always winning obviously built up my confidence, which also made me a very arrogant person. Yeah, I was always the best. Good in this and best at that. Talented, handsome, excellent, brilliant... oh, you name it! Those compliments were showered on me as if I am the brightest star in the whole wide sky.

And to be a "bright child" definitely not a good thing for a person I would say. I didn't know the feeling of not being the winner. How does it feel to lose? I used to wonder how my siblings would feel about me and themselves. Obviously I was good and better than them in almost everything. Better exam result. Brought back a lot of prizes from competition and all that jazz. I was just so "sparkling"! And my siblings were just being very normal. Not too good and not bad at all. And sometime I kinda envy them for being able to be normal.

Winner of all times!

Oh well, funny as how it may sound, the more I grow, the worse I am. Let's start with my school exam result. I did better in primary school. I got worse in secondary school. And university? I was just lucky enough to pass my bachelor degree, second upper. And about my talent? No particular talent. How about procrastination? Piano? Gosh, I was playing piano during the weekend and I was shocked to realize that I could hardly complete a repertoire. My fingers were like so disobedient that they never follow my brain's instruction. So, a wonderful piano pieces turned out to be a horrible song even I myself found that I should stop torturing my family member's ears.

Then depression hit me few years back. No matter how "shiny" I was, depression really clouded it all with darkness and fears. For the first time in my life, I felt I was a failure. Whatever I did was wrong and has never been good. It was as if whatever I did will turn out to be a total disaster. And it all came with disappointment and more heart-breaking. Inferiority. Pessimistic. All those negativities. All comes at once and they sure know how to attack your weakest point. At one point I really surrendered and let them all ate me up. I was just drowning... into the deep deep valley of... don't know what?!

Anyway, come to think of it, I really glad that I have actually gone through that period. It makes me stronger and wiser of course. Most importantly, it made me taste the bitterness of failure. And I also learn how to deal with it. I also learn how to handle the overwhelming pressure and stress that could easily bring me down. But now, I have known about failure. I know how to face it. And I know how to face it with a smile on my face. Oh yeah, that once used to be my enemy has now become a friend of mine. You bet failure can be a good friend who taught me how to become better and better, as long as you don't succumb to its tricky pressure.

Besides, I also learn how to love myself and treat myself right. Failure can be so mean it makes you hurt yourself and blame yourself. Ah, it can also lead you to many more disappointment and depression. But no, I won't let it anymore. It may be able to push me down to the ground, but I will rise again and face it with my victorious smile.

Spread my wings and fly...

Failure failure. It itself is a failure. So I have learned not to be at its side. I will always stand opposite failure and be the winner!

1 comment:

Calvin said...

In the recent show of The Apprentice, a candidate who was an Olympic champion got fired by Donald Trump.

She was the gold medal winner of the hockey team. After she got fired, she was telling to the camera that she actually learn more when she didn't win the gold medal or get the first prize because when you're the second or failed, you learn more about your weakness and then only you know how to improve.

If you always win, there's nothing for you to learn because you always think you're the best. So, to fail sometimes is not a bad thing either. And failure is just the first step towards victory.

So don't be despair when you fail or not the first because it's not the end of the world. It's easier to be a winner than to be a loser. Why? Because loser has to learn how to stand back up and fight again.