Emo-Guy

I am such an emo-guy. As in emotional? Yeah, I still am. Happy for now and the next minute, I can be all sorrowful. Give me another few minutes I might just wipe my tears away and start finding the reasons for me to laugh out loud again.


Oh, and yes I don't really hide my feelings. All of them will be displayed on my face whether I want it or not. You will know when I am really happy. Yes, written on my face. Sad, not enough sleep, exhausted, pissed-off, excited... yes you can read them all from my face. Ok, maybe that only happen to my close friends.

I am, most of the time smiling when I meet my customers. Note that I said, most of the time, because sometime, I couldn't help but give some of those bitchy customers an evil stare. Sometime I am not sure if my fake smile was so real that the customers actually thought I was really smiling and happy to receive or accept their unreasonable requirement and non-sense comments.

Ah... I don't know. Maybe I have multiple personalities? Who knows?

Or was it all because I am gay? Maybe gay man is a little bit more sensitive and emotional compare to others. We have to go through certain event that some others didn't have to. So we tends to be emotional and 'imbalance' a bit? Err... Maybe only me. :p


But one thing I noticed though. I don't get the chance to be all emotional as I was so busy with works these days. The only feelings I have is busy busy busy... tired tired tired... and you don't get to show your emotion to your boss. My colleagues? They said I am always tired. Yes, so tired to be happy, sad, excited or whatever it is. So I'm like a emotionless zombie to them.

Only on this fine Monday that I got to be myself and really do what I want without even thinking about work. Why? Because I took leave! :p

And I got emotional again. Not in a bad way. Watch some dramas and cry a bit. Watch some truly amazing performance and found tears in my eyes as I was so touched by their sincerity and amazing performance. Crazy and weird, I know! :p Then later in the evening I watch "The Nanny". Some old and hilarious British comedy and I laugh like a bitch. The Nanny is just so freaking funny and I love her unique laughter! Ahahahaha.... if you know what I mean.

Guess what, I just finished download the latest episode of Brothers and Sisters, I'm sure I'll go "Aww... that's so sweet!" or something similar while watching the show and hugging my favourite pillow in my bed.

Tonight I Wanna Cry

Not sure if it is the pressure I have, or the emptiness I am feeling inside me, I suddenly have the urge to just breakdown and cry. Stupid and weird as it may sound, but yeah, I feel like I crying. Letting tears run down across my cheeks, to my lips, down to my chin and drop on my shirt... as if the negativities in life, will just flow together with the tears, out of my body... 

"I don't like self-pity!", a simple phrase, has given me a tight slap on my face. And it hurts. And it hurts so much that my heart-ached. It hurts so much that I even got angry. And something within me was going to burst. But I managed to take a deep breath... and realized that I deserved that. Self-pity, yeah I guess I have always been doing that. 

Letting myself drown into the deep valley of despair and sorrow, I found myself emotionless. I went numb. For one moment, my mind really went into a total blank. No feelings, no thoughts, no nothing. And there's no tear. 

Keith Urban - Tonight I Wanna Cry

Sorry for not being strong enough. I know, I am doing that again. Self-pity. Just let me be... let me be... at least, for tonight...

Being Caught In The Middle

You know there are times in our life that we will be caught in the situation whereby we do not know whether to say yes to this or to say no to that. And it is so hard to make the absolutely right decision that we wish we could just close our eyes for just one moment and the situation will turn better for a bit. Yeah right! And lately I have been in that kind of situation in many ways.

I am in such a mess!

Between Two Bosses
Oh yeah, I have been slowly transferring to the new team to work on a new project recently. But the process of transferring is so slow that I still have to work on my previous project and at the same time focus more on my current project. In short, I have to work on two projects at a time. And I have to report to two bosses at the same time as well. Of course, my priority will be my current project. But when there are things that I needs or if I want to apply for leave, I wonder if I should apply from my previous supervisor or my current supervisor. Not sure if I will offend any one of them whoever I decided to report to. Computer memory space not enough, should I get from old boss or new boss? My monthly claim should report to the old boss or the new boss? Awkward awkward awkward!

Between Morality and Sexuality
I was brought up in a conservative chinese family which value morality. And we are so sincere as a Buddhist that I even attended Buddhist teaching classes and took the examination. Oh did I mention I even got an A1 in my SPM Pendidikan Moral? A1, man! You think easy aar?! Not many people can get it you know! Hah! While I was shamelessly boasting about how good I am in understanding the theory of moral, I am basically immoral. We were taught not to have sex until the day we got married! How funny is that?! Sex in the sauna room, surfing porn sites, downloading and watching porn clips while wanking... Oh homosexuality! Tsk tsk tsk... it's even illegal in this country. Wait a minute. Was it homosexuality that is illegal or the act of sodomy is illegal? I am not sure myself. But I was taught that being gay is immoral. Men are supposed to be with women. Men and women, that's natural. Oh well, I like men! Welcome to my real world!

Men! Sex! And Men!

Between Dreams and Reality
I have always want to pursue my music career. May it be a singer, a piano teacher, a performer... anything about music. I love playing piano so much that I could play on the piano for hours without feeling bored. I love singing so much that I would sing my heart out every now and then. But where am I now? Working in an IT firm at least 12 hours a day (and even during weekend sometimes) just to have sufficient income to pay my study loan and also to support my family. No time to practice piano, no time to improve my singing skill. Luckily I can still attend choir practice at least once a week to have a good time, but that does not help to improve my singing skill. Well maybe it will, but it will take a very long time.

What am I gonna do?!

I don't know. Like I said. I wish I could just close my eyes and just live my life. Guess I am still doing it. And not sure where this will lead me to. Urgh! Thinking all this itself is tiring! Sucks!

Random Update

Just wanna post a clip here.Reasons for posting this clip :-

1) It's a music video with some of my favourite scenes from the movie - Jeffrey, which I've just watched.
2) The movie talks about gay guys falling in love and one of them is HIV+. Which I could relate to my phobia of having sex in fear of being infected with the deadly disease and my obsession with cleanliness due to the same reason.
3) The music is just nice and soothing.
4) I am just not in the mood to write a lengthy post.
5) Love watching two fine hunky studs looking and talking to each other. Michael Terry Weiss is so fine! Oh Damned! Did I just wet my short?! Fucked!



Have a nice weekend! :D

A Letter To My Love - Being Worry

Hey Love,

You have no idea how much I miss you so. But I guess you're there missing me too. 

So you missed me too?

You know lately I've been thinking. I have a lot of things. A lot, if I really count each and every single item I possessed. And I have most of the things I want. But, I can't seem to really enjoy them all. Why? I guess I tend to worry a little... ok, I worry too much. Am I? So much that I missed a lot of things I could have had. 

Just for today, I worried so much about driving over something or someone that I missed the pleasure of driving in my own car. Not only that, I also don't get to hang around with friends or just simply driving around the KL city enjoy the city's lights. I worried so much about the possibility that I might have knocked someone off on my way back home that I wasted a lot of time and efforts to convinced myself that I might have just driven over a rock/wood on the road; I worried so much about my hands being dirty that I missed the fun of eating foods with my bare hands. I worried so much about leaving things behind that I wasted a lot of time checking and checking before I leave from one spot to another. I worried so much that one day my house will be broken in by thieves that I locked my bedroom's door and window when I sleep eventhough it'll be stuffy and hot inside the room. And the list doesn't end here... 

Yes, worrying over things has become a habit to me. Stop worrying? Yes, I told myself that millions and millions of times. I'm afraid I have immuned to that. But then come to think again, if I have immuned to that, I would've stopped worrying now. Somehow I'm glad that at least I won't worry till my heart ache and cause me sleepless night like I used to be. I guess I have immuned to the side effects of being worry. Or to see it from other perspective, it is as if worrying, has become part of my life, part of me. It's like a disease which cannot be cured, but can be controlled. 

Only you can make me happy!

And suddenly whatever I have seems to be unnecessary anymore as I seem to be a person who is incapable of being happy. Yeah, waking up in the morning till the moment before I fall into sleep. There are thousands and millions of things that I can worry about and they basically took away all the reasons for me to be happy. So what that I possessed a car? So what that I have a degree? So what that I have nice shirts and CK underwears? Meaningless!

I hope this is just a process or period in life that I will need to go through. For as long as I need to worry, I really hope that one day it will stop, or fade away. It is exhausting, indeed! But if I were meant to worry that much in this life, then let me be strong enough to carry the 'weight'. Yes, if worry is something I should do, then let me do it happily and steadily. Whatever it is, just let me be strong and wise enough to know how to enjoy living my life to the fullest!

Anyway, I still strongly believe that this will somehow come to an end someday. I just need to hold on tighter to my faith and be strong. Yes, after so many turbulences and troubled times in life, this too shall pass. By then the sun will shines and rainbow of hopes will appear within my heart. So, don't you ever worry too much about me! 

By the way, I love this following clip very much and I wish someday I can come home and see my love, you, every single day. Will you help me change the light bulb and make me dinner? LOL... you know I love you! *kisses*

Alright, I shall stop here, love. I'll write again soon! Please take good care! 

Your love,

Ryan

A Car-less Day

It has been more than three months since I last taken a public transport. Oh yes, I hated to squeeze with other smelly and sweaty men so much that I finally bought myself a cheap car and drive to work. Unfortunately, there was an electricity breakdown yesterday and I couldn't open the auto front gate so my car was 'stucked' inside the house. Oh there was a key to open the gate manually, but I don't know why it didn't help to open the gate even though I've tried for almist 15 minutes. Realizing the time was running out, I took a taxi and went to work yesterday. And it fucking cost me RM15! 

Want me to give you a ride, honey?

Not only that, the taxi driver was having flu I guess. He kept on opening his window and spit while he was driving. And he coughed constantly and I feared that he would have coughed out his lungs or something. What a bad start of the day! But it was Friday! So my happy mood didn't fade away just because I didn't get to drive to work. :p 

Anyway, after working hour, I thought of getting taxi back home. But then it was raining and the traffic congestion in KL city was just horrible horrible horrible! So I went to Pavilion with colleagues and ex-colleagues to have a nice dinner in a Japanese restaurant. Though I hate the fact that I have to spend a lot (nothing is cheap in Pavilion), I still enjoyed my meal and have a good laugh with those colleagues. I guess we were the noisiest table in the restaurant. And we laughed out real loud! We didn't really care! :p

So after that nice dinner, we took our separate way and it was almost 10pm already. I tried to take a taxi. When I managed to stop the first taxi, I opened the door and asked:

"I need to get to Heaven!"

"Where in Heaven actually?"

"Err... Gay Street in Heaven?"

"Oh! Ok, but it will cost RM20!"

"What?! That's too expensive!"

"Yeah! But please understand I can drive you there, but it will be difficult for me to get any customer on my way back here in Hell!"

"Never mind! Thank You! Bye!"

"OK. Bye!"

And he drove off. I don't mind giving extra few ringgit. But RM20 is just too much from KL to my home. Since I have not taken the monorail for a long time. I thought of trying that again. So I went to the nearest monorail station and buy my ticket. 

Clean up before you come anywhere near me!

You see, when I was waiting for the monorail to come, there was this man standing behind me and he fucking coughed WITHOUT covering up his damned mouth!!! Yucks, yucks, yucks!! See! That's why I don't like to  take public transport! 

And that didn't end my misery. When the monorail finally arrived, the whole train was full with people. So full that I needed to squeeze in. Having no choice, I made my way into the train and basically trying not to inhale too much and singing some song in my head to get my attention away from the awful smell and the thought of germs and bacterias were surrounding me. Luckily I didn't have to wait long for the train to reach my destination. What a relieve! However, at the destination, I still need to take a cab to reach my home. Luckily I managed to get a decent cab (proton wira) and got home. Phew!

Come let me take you for a ride?!

I am so not taking public transport anymore. Even though I hate traffic congestion in KL, I don't mind stuck in a traffic jam in my own car where I can enjoy the cooling air-condition and listening to my favourite songs, and singing along. I so love my car now! :p