And So You Speak

I'm a bitch! Yeah, that's what I always tell one of my colleague, my ex-colleague actually. Apparently she "hopped" into another company recently due to don't know what reason. As if I give a damn. Anyway, I guess only both of us speaking English to each other in the office. Maybe that's what make her different. And yeah, she has this unique accent in speaking English, British accent? I'm not sure. But when talking to her in English, I myself will start to imitate her accent and talk to her in that particular accent. Funny as it may seem, but I kinda like it.

Speak to me, bitch!

Anyway, due to our strong accent, no doubt the other colleagues around us will look at us in one kind as if we're aliens from MARS communicating in a language only we know. How pathetic! I also find some of them give us that "urgh" look as if we're pretending to speak like a British. I can already predict the following conversation.

Lady A : Do they have to speak like that?
Lady B : Cheh, they just want to show off only ma. So what?!
Lady A : Ya lor. Speak so good for what? I speak manglish also can survive ler...
Lady B : Ya la. Speak until like a banana! So men-siasui-kan. I doubt they being chinese know how to speak chinese or not.

Bi-a-tches! Never mind. But I do have to admit that when we both speak, we really try to speak good english with some bad words such as ass, bullshit... ok not so bad after all. And it makes me feel good. Cause not many people speak good English with me in the office. And I don't like that. Not that I don't like to speak mandarin or Cantonese with colleagues, but they don't speak proper mandarin (Pu Tong Hua) nor accurate Cantonese. And that just make everything seem so unprofessional.

Don't talk to me!

Well, that's just me. Now that she's gone, and I have no one to speak English with in the office. Only with customers. How pathetic?! Oh did I mention most of my customers don't speak good English as well?! They would mix some words with their own native language which make everything seem, again, so unprofessional! And to be more "down-to-earth", I have to speak their language with extra words like "la", "hor", "meh", "ya" at the beginning or right at the end of each phrase. And so I have to follow them "lo", just in case they don't understand.

In fact, I am not so good in English neither. I am not the one who got an A for 1119 English or a debater who can speak English so fluently that they can use their mouth and shoot people off. But at least I try to be more professional and speak good English. Else, how would people wanna respect you when your sentences are full with "Arr", "la","hor","lo"... Maybe that's just them.

Huh?! What's with the "la" and the "ha"?

So now I vow to read more, speak more good English with customers and even write more (yeah lotsa emails and meeting minutes will certainly help). That's one skill I should acquire and master!

Just Do It

That's a familiar phrase, isn't it? I ain't no fan of Nike brand, darling! But I find the phrase really motivating and give us a boost like "Just go and do it no matter what!" Don't care what might happened and just do it! Do it!

Yeah, I'll do it!

How easy it is to say and brag about how we should be decisive and not to be afraid to face any consequences. No, it is not easy at all. Especially for a pathetically caring person like me. "What if this happened? What if that doesn't turn up as what we expected it to be? I'm afraid he will not like it. I don't think she could take that!" Horrible horrible! It's always better to keep my mouth shut and let other do the decision in group discussion/activities.

But then that caring person I was has changed. Yeah, caring person?! Bullshit?! Why should I be caring when others kept on taking advantage of me?! Apparently I cared too much.

~ I should help him with this.
~ Oh, he's just too busy. Maybe I can just do that for him.
~ Oh, just a few miles away, I can help to make the delivery.
~ It's ok to help make that few phone calls.
~ Alright, I'll do that documentation.
~ Yeah I'll write the meeting minutes and send to everyone.

I'll do anything, Sir!

What the fucking hell?! Even writing a simple fucking email has to ask for my help?! What's wrong with them? And somehow I think I am a working machine, which only know how to take order, say yes, and execute the instructions. Pathetic pathetic pathetic!

It gave me a big slap on the face last Friday when I had to stay back in the office (after office hour) writing the meeting minutes for TWO FUCKING HOURS!! What now? Since when I become the secretary? I am just a fucking software developer?!

Anyway, to make myself feel better, I always tell myself that "Capable person will always have more works to do"! So yes, I am not only capable to become a professional software developer, I am capable of being a secretary, delivery boy, communication executives... what else? I am multi-talented bastard who can do anything! How about that?! Yeah, I do anything. I just fucking do everything that I can do! Busy?! Yeah, I deserve it!

So I recently also found out that there's an advantage of being busy, or being known as the busiest person. I gotta walk around the office with my head high and everyone has to give their cooperation to me. It makes me feel like I am the most important person and yes, that feels REALLY good. Not only did I learn a lot from my busy working life, I also got to know a lot more staff in my company (as I started to deal with them more) and also have better relationship internally and externally. So I become "famous", or well-known. Yeah, I could be notorious if I bitch around too!

Busy I am. I keep on doing all the things, which some of them should be done by someone else. I know I am gonna learn more and grow. Ignoring those colleagues who works around me taking their own sweet time surfing internet or pretending to be busy (while checking on the rise and fall of the stocks figure), I work my ass off and put on more value on myself. I know I am gonna be kicking-ass later! So I do it! I just fucking do it!

You take your own sweet time, darling! Don't regret!

I know someday they will suffer when I'm gone, for I have accepted the unexpected offer.

Getting Fat At The Wrong Place

I've always wanted to be fat. I was so skinny that I hate to look into the mirror and see bones all over my body as if I was suffering from Mal-nutrition. Ok, I was not that skinny but still I prefer to be "bigger". More athletic if not muscular. So I always want to be fat.

Bigger arms? Bigger chest?

To achieve that, there was this one period of time when I ate a lot. Breakfast with eggs, milk, breads etc. Lunch and dinner always "tambah nasi". Some time supper too. Unfortunately, what you want is not always what you'll get. It seemed that I still couldn't get fat, or put on weight that way. Apparently my metabolism was so high that whatever I ate was always not enough. Well, what was when I was in secondary school. Yeah, teenager... high metabolism.

Stepping into working world, still have that little dream of being a hunky stud, I spare some money from my monthly salary to pay the gym membership. And so I hit the gym whenever possible lifting weight and pump every single muscle I know (which is very limited) and thought as long as I keep on doing it, I'll see some result. And yes, I did put on some weight. But not very satisfying. I need to put on more weight. I want bigger chest, bigger arms... big big big!!! But I know me, I am the lazy type person. As time goes by, my determination getting weaker.

Being a hot hunk like me?

I ended up not going to the gym for a few months now. Reason? Busy with work la!

And then recently I noticed something. Something really scary and embarrassing! I got back from my office after long hours of working. I took off my shirt before hitting the shower and I saw that person in the mirror. There's a "spare tyre" around his waist that his pant can hardly cover. OMG! I am so looked like those big-belly uncles! I hate it hate it hate it! It's even worse when I notice that my stomach is almost bigger than my "boobs"! Ooops, did I just say that?! A pregnant uncle is coming to town!

Anyway, the point is, I am getting fat! But at the wrong place! Eeks! Big belly?! So U.G.L.Y.! For one moment, I thought I am gonna vomit! Uueeecckkk! Anyway, that's a very STRONG alert! I am getting fat. Perhaps I sat too long in the office? My sitting posture isn't right? I ate too much? I guess I need to get back to my exercise habit!

Come to the gym with me, darling!

Guess what?! I am going to hit the gym tomorrow after work! Yes, I need to.

Collapsed

Days of hard works and endless sleepless night have finally got me down. It's like every single cells in my body were screaming and yelling asking and begging me stop stop and stop. I could even heard siren ringing in my head causing me a little dizzy every now and then. And yesterday, one fine typical Friday, my body and mind gave me a strict and definite warning!

That's a warning!

How bad it was? Not so bad till I broke down and fainted in the office causing big commotion in the office. Not so good too that I might have done some terrible mistakes big enough to lose customers' trust to the company. Anyway, I was exhausted. Can't help it!

It was in the morning where we (the boss and I) went to customer site to attend a meeting to discuss over something. I basically was numb. Thought it was just another meeting which I attended routinely and always "no big deal about it". Besides, I have the boss with me, I can always stay quiet and let him do the talking.

Well, little did I know that I was thrown with questions too in the meeting. A little numb, not-so-awake and still pretty much in the "zombie" mode, there's this one moment where the customer asked me question and I just look at her, losing the ability to think anything and response. And then I didn't know what to say. I guess I looked helpless and pathetic. Luckily , my boss was there and helped me answered that. I sure got a cold sweat.

Then only I got to be more alert. Followed by a feeling of dizziness and headache. Gosh, those must be the signs. No kidding, I was exhausted! And I hope my boss knew it! It's sad to know that I'll have to attend another bigger and more stressful meeting in the afternoon after lunch time.

Help me release stress, will ya?!

Not wise to skip my lunch, I requested my colleague to help buy me lunch and I steal the lunch time to take a nap in the office. Pathetic, really! Normally, Friday's lunch is the best moment in the week. Coz it's Friday and I don't think I need to elaborate more. So when my colleague returned from their wonderful time, I had the McDonald lunch pack and rushed out to attend the meeting with my boss again. Of course, I was in a better condition then.

Right at the end of the working hour, I even have to stay back, replying tonnes of important emails and also do some documentation and send them over to the customers. Oh I am so that girl in the movie "The Devil Wears Prada"!

Had dinner with some colleagues later. We were all exhausted. While waiting for out food, as usual we mumbling over something stupid and talk crazy things. Gosh, such unhealthy culture. Luckily one of my colleague offered to give me a ride home. I almost dozed off in his car. But I tried not to because we were both exhausted and I should keep him awake by talking stupid things, again.

I need a break!

Once I reached home, I collapsed... in my bed.

The Unexpected Offer

This morning, as usual, I was taking the lift up to my office and I stumbled upon 'The man'. I know him. But never worked closely with him. With a good smile, I greeted him in the crowded lift and we waited the lift to bring us up to our office. Upon getting out of the lift, he asked if I could meet him later in his room. Shocked, I acted calm and nonchalantly said OK.

"Please come and see me in my room later!"

A little curious and anxious about what was in his head, I have to calm myself and stay cool while guessing his intention. Was there something that I did that caught his attention? Or was I that 'attractive'? So when the time came, I took a deep breath and braved myself into his room.

And we have a good almost an hour conversation. 'The Man' is my big boss. Or should I say, my current boss's boss? The fact is, he's offering me a better opportunities. Ain't gonna go into detail about that. But I am kinda excited and a little worried at the same time. Excited because of the opportunities, worried because I am not sure if I could take up the challenge and also hand over my current projects in hand to my poor colleagues.

What kind of offer do you expect?

Hell knows how busy I am. It makes me realize that I have no life other than my busy working life. Pathetic as it may seem, I seriously, for one moment, thought about re-adjust my priorities in life. Again, pathetically, I always ended up being too busy to do any adjustment for my life. So little do I know that I am basically blinded by my overwhelming working life.

But things are different now. Apparently I have been spotted! My talent and strength have been noticed. And my efforts paid off. I've got a better offer. The only thing I have to do now is to make up my mind and come out with a final decision by the end of this week! Goodness, so little time to think over.

Should I take it or not?

It's a very difficult decision really. I like my current supervisor, and already familiar with all the projects in hands. If I took the offer, I'll have to start everything anew. New supervisor, new team mates, new projects, new environment, with better salary and welfare, of course.

Pros and cons... what-ifs and maybes... guess I'll have another few sleepless nights...

The Unknown Bachelor Meme

I was tagged tagged tagged. Having to clear out all my pending tasks, I better do these memes before someone "hunt me down". I have to combine the two memes (tagged by Kenny and Sam) into one and I seriously doubt I have time to do both seperately. Compromise a bit la, huh?! So here you go...

He's the man!

BACHELOR NO : 69 (Yeah, you know what it means!)

NAME : Ryan

OCCUPATION : IT Professional

AGE : 25

ZODIAC : Aquarius

FAVE HANGOUT : Bedroom? Oh hang-OUT? I hardly go out. How?

TALENT : Sleeping, singing, play piano

Three things you can’t live without?
I am pretty much contend with pc with internet connection...the other two... maybe piano, and cellphone?

What is the sweetest thing a girl / guy has done for you?
Ahh... this is difficult. Damn, I could hardly think of any!! How about the sweetest thing I'd done for a guy?

The most daredevil thing I’ve ever done is...
Eeeks! I am such a coward I do nothing evil. I cursed, though within my heart!

What’s one thing you’re glad you’ve outgrown?
Pathetically, nothing!

Your biggest mistake is...
Losing my virginity to someone I don't really love.

Which actor would play you in a movie about your life?
John Barrowman. He's fucking HOT HOT HOT!!!

Why do women / men...
so fucking complicated?!

If you were a product, how would your advertising campaign read?
Rim Your A** Now (R.Y.A.N.) Oops, a little obscene, I know. But it sure got your ATTENTION! :P

Which feature do you zoom in on when you meet a guy for the first time?
Face. Please! I don't look people at their butt when I first meet them.

Who is your role model?
Mariah Carey? She uses her talent to touch people's heart!

What's the healthiest thing you would eat among sushi, salad and sandwich?
Salad. Not so fancy about bread nor sushi. I love vegetable and fruits. So salad!

Which movie you can watch again and again?
Any porn movie? Any chic-flicks, romance, drama, or hunks half-naked... movies. Irresistible!

What is your most annoying habit?
Procrastinating. Very unproductive and very sickening. Always make me hate myself after that for wasting precious time.

I get nervous when...
sit for exams or, before presentation or, before performance.

My biggest fear is...
to die with regrets.

The best thing I've done for myself is...
learning to love myself each and every moment.

And to the people I tag:
You! Take it or leave it!

That's all from me...

Take a deep breath, and here I go again...

Busy is the word. Working on both Saturday and Sunday, I guess that pretty much explained everything. I missed blogging time...

I'll be back...

The Unkind Offer

Something really disturbed me these days. It's about this going for a trip issue that distractingly put a little pressure every now and then on me like a small little needle that prick you once in awhile here and there. And when it keeps on like that for a while, it actually putting up fire of anger in me!

Stop it, damn it!

It was these few colleagues who seems to be nothing to do lately came up with an idea of organizing a trip for our own department at the end of the month during weekend. In fact, when I was informed about the trip, I was quite excited and interested to join it. The idea of hanging out with some close friends and colleagues mates sounds fun. Later on, when I found out that it will involve more people (20++) including the bosses, I doubted.

There was an official email sent out stating the detail/proposal of the trip such as the objective of the trip which is of course to release stress, tie stronger bond between team leaders and between team members... bla bla bla. And where will the trip take us to? Of all the interesting places/attractions in Malaysia, they chose Ipoh.

Come on, it'll be fun!

OK, don't get me wrong. I am not saying that Ipoh is not a wonderful place, she surely has his beauties that attract some of our tourist, but I'm just not good in promote Malaysian attraction.
The point is, when they broadcast to news of the trip, not many people response to their kind invitation. Well, we all have our different reasons for not joining the trip. Some of them are from Ipoh, and they find it boring to go back to their own hometown; Some other thinks Ipoh has nothing to see and play about; Some people like me prefer to enjoy the weekend ourselves or with our family; Some other would rather save some money for other things (yes, the trip is on our own expenses, the bosses might subsidy some depends on their availability and mood, perhaps?!).

Being so stressed up and working my ass off lately make me want to have more of my own space and privacy. Going to office at 8am and coming back home around 10pm something doesn't really give me any privacy and own space for myself to at least breath, rejuvenate nor re-energize myself for the next challenging day!

And so I made my choice of not joining the trip and replied the email declining the offer/invitation. It was a hard decision, really. Because most of my close colleagues from other team are going and they actually persuaded me to go. But after much consideration, I just need to take a break for myself. I don't want to be there the whole weekend following the crowd go here and there and pleasing anyone when the only thing I wanna do is stay in bed, sleeping, watching my favourite dramas, eating ice-cream and some other stuff that I enjoy doing. So, despite the annoying persuasion from my best mates, I kindly decline and firmly say "No!" to them. I'm such a heart-breaker, I know!

Free to be alone!

So lately "the organizer" found out that none of the members from our team participated the trip, and they hinted (or should I say "indirectly made a complain to) our boss about us not being supportive and participative. Consequently, everyone from our team were called into the meeting room by our boss. And I was shocked, really! And pissed, too!

In the meeting, the boss kindly asked about why we don't want to join that trip. Initially he thought we were so busy that we could not spare a weekend out to join the trip. I think that was me who bragged about how busy we are recently (actually we are!) to other team members that we must stay in town to handle the over-whelming workloads. So we all bla bla bla about our reasons (and maybe excuses) to the boss in the overly spacious meeting room. Some even told the boss straight-away that the trip is plain boring and is a waste of time. In the end, I am relieved and very glad that the boss did not force or insist anyone of us to join the trip. Apparently, he just want to know why we don't want to join and maybe make a feedback to "the organizer".

To the boss?!

However, as I mentioned earlier, I am really shocked that the boss have to call for a meeting just to ask us why we did not join. I am sure someone must have said something to him about us not joining the trip. Not in a very friendly way, I would say. Trying to get the boss to make us join the trip?! Not a chance!

Firstly, that trip is not compulsory, I have a choice to choose not to go. And they should respect my choice.

Secondly, the date time is just not right. Weekend? When we're suppose to rest and have our own privacy? And it's not just one Saturday? It occupies our Friday night till Sunday morning!

Thirdly, the destination. Ipoh? What can we do there three days two nights? Eat and wandering around the street? Visiting the caves and swimming in the Taiping lake? The only reason I would wanna go is only to be with my best mates and have a good time. But three days two nights doing don't-know-what? I'd rather have a one day trip going KTV and have a good meal in KL city. That would be more fun!

Fourthly, how can they ask the boss to put pressure on us when there's no one wanna join? They should review and revise their trip proposal which pathetically UN-interesting to most of my colleagues!

Fifthly, even the company trip is not compulsory! I am pretty busy. Even if I am not busy working in the weekend, I have the right to choose to rest during the weekend so I can have better performance the following week. Besides, since when playing is more important than working? Don't fucking tell me work hard and play hard! Work hard is good enough to shorten my life! I prefer work hard and rest more! And about play hard, I play my own games with my own rules. And not following the crowd doing something I don't enjoy doing.

I'm shoscked to know that some colleagues from other team were actually pressured by their seniors to join the trip, and they finally succumb to the over-whelming pressure and signed themselves up for the trip. As for me, I have to stick to my own plan. No one knows better than me what I want with my life and how I want to live my life. Even my boss never insist us to go, so why should I be bothered?

As if I give a damn?!

It's funny really that initially I am all excited to join the trip because I thought it involves only a few close mates hanging out together and have a good time. Too bad, what I thought is not what they are planning to do. Since I am not agreeable to their proposal, I thought it's normal for me to not join. At least, I think I have the right to choose. And I am pretty disturbed, by the fact that they actually have our boss calling us for a meeting just because none of us wanna join the trip?! What is this all about?!

Bye Bye

It's hard to say "bye bye" sometime. Even though I have never really lost a loved-one who I really close with or intimate with, I think the only person I remember I lost is my grandfather who lived with me since I was young.

Bye Bye

I was 12 years old when he passed away because of stroke. He lied in hospital for 10 days when I wasn't even allowed to enter the room to visit (because I was too young?). I wasn't really devastated. But knowing he gonna die soon just make me feel sad. I only cried when he was cremated.

Anyway, after that, few years back, a few uncles passed away because of liver cancer. My mom was devastated, really. Well, lost two brother within a year. That's just unbearable. But she went through that rain. Praying for the loss and let go. Putting it down can be so hard.

That just make me feel very lucky to have everyone and everything I love & care around me. And I vow to appreciate them more every single moment. Cause I'll never know when I have to say "Bye Bye!" to them. By then, I hope it won't be too hard.

I would like to dedicate the following clip to Sam Nasser and his family who has just lost his grandmother recently. Be Strong, Sam! My daily prayers will go out to you and your family!

-------------------------------------------------

* The following added on 6th April 2008 6:02pm *



This is for my peoples who just lost somebody,
Your best friend, your baby, your man, or your lady
Put you hand way up high
you will never say bye.
[No no no]
Momma's, daddy’s, sister’s, brother’s,
friends, and cousins.
This is for my people’s who lost their
Grandmothers
lift your head up to the sky
cause we will never say bye.

As a child, there were them times
I didn’t get it, but you kept me alive
I didn’t know
why you didn’t show up Sometimes
on Sunday mornings
And I missed you, but what we talked through
All them wrongful things, separation brings
You never let me know it, you never let it show it
Caused you loved me and obviously
There's so much more than to say
If you were with me today
face to face.

I never knew I can hurt like this
And everyday life goes on like
I wish I can talk to you for a while
Wish your butterfly not to cry
As time goes bye

And as soon as you reached a better place
And still I’d give
The world to see your face
And I’m bragging next to you
Feels like you're gone too soon
Now the hardest thing to do is say
Bye, bye-bye..
Bye-bye
Bye-bye Bye- bye Bye-bye
Bye-bye Bye- bye Bye-bye
Bye-bye Bye- bye-bye-bye..

And you never got a chance to see
How good I’ve done
And you never got to see me
Back at number one
I wish that you was here to celebrate together
I wish that we can spend the holidays together
I remember when you use to tuck me in at night
Or the teddy bear u give me that I held so tight
I thought you were so strong,
You make it through whatever
It's so hard to except the fact you gone forever

I never knew I can hurt like this
And everyday life goes on like
I wish I can talk to you for a while
Wish your butterfly not to cry
As time goes by

And as soon as you reached a better place
And I’d still give
The world to see your face
And I’m bragging next to you
Feels like you're gone too soon
Now the hardest thing to do is say
Bye, bye-bye..
Bye-bye
Bye-bye Bye- bye Bye-bye
Bye-bye Bye- bye Bye-bye
Bye-bye Bye- bye-bye-bye..

This is for my peoples who just lost somebody,
Your best friend, your baby, your man, or your lady
Put you hand way up high
you will never say bye.
[No no no]
Momma‘s, daddy’s, sister’s, brother’s,
friends, and cousins.
This is for my people’s who lost their
Grandmother’s
lift your head up to the sky
cause we will never say bye.

I never knew I can hurt like this
[I never knew it]
And everyday [ everyday of my life]
life goes on like this [ I wish, I wish]
I wish I can talk to you for a while
[I wish]
Wish you butterfly not to cry
[I wish]
As time goes by
[as time goes bye]

And as soon as you reached a better place..
I’d still give the world to see your face..
and me right here, next to you..
and the hardest thing to do..
is say..
Bye-bye…………
its hard to say
Bye bye bye bye bye
So Come on
Somebody sing it with me
wave your hands up high

Cause this is for my peoples who
just lost somebody
This is for everybody
Just lift your head to the sky
Cause we will never say bye-bye