The Unkind Offer

Something really disturbed me these days. It's about this going for a trip issue that distractingly put a little pressure every now and then on me like a small little needle that prick you once in awhile here and there. And when it keeps on like that for a while, it actually putting up fire of anger in me!

Stop it, damn it!

It was these few colleagues who seems to be nothing to do lately came up with an idea of organizing a trip for our own department at the end of the month during weekend. In fact, when I was informed about the trip, I was quite excited and interested to join it. The idea of hanging out with some close friends and colleagues mates sounds fun. Later on, when I found out that it will involve more people (20++) including the bosses, I doubted.

There was an official email sent out stating the detail/proposal of the trip such as the objective of the trip which is of course to release stress, tie stronger bond between team leaders and between team members... bla bla bla. And where will the trip take us to? Of all the interesting places/attractions in Malaysia, they chose Ipoh.

Come on, it'll be fun!

OK, don't get me wrong. I am not saying that Ipoh is not a wonderful place, she surely has his beauties that attract some of our tourist, but I'm just not good in promote Malaysian attraction.
The point is, when they broadcast to news of the trip, not many people response to their kind invitation. Well, we all have our different reasons for not joining the trip. Some of them are from Ipoh, and they find it boring to go back to their own hometown; Some other thinks Ipoh has nothing to see and play about; Some people like me prefer to enjoy the weekend ourselves or with our family; Some other would rather save some money for other things (yes, the trip is on our own expenses, the bosses might subsidy some depends on their availability and mood, perhaps?!).

Being so stressed up and working my ass off lately make me want to have more of my own space and privacy. Going to office at 8am and coming back home around 10pm something doesn't really give me any privacy and own space for myself to at least breath, rejuvenate nor re-energize myself for the next challenging day!

And so I made my choice of not joining the trip and replied the email declining the offer/invitation. It was a hard decision, really. Because most of my close colleagues from other team are going and they actually persuaded me to go. But after much consideration, I just need to take a break for myself. I don't want to be there the whole weekend following the crowd go here and there and pleasing anyone when the only thing I wanna do is stay in bed, sleeping, watching my favourite dramas, eating ice-cream and some other stuff that I enjoy doing. So, despite the annoying persuasion from my best mates, I kindly decline and firmly say "No!" to them. I'm such a heart-breaker, I know!

Free to be alone!

So lately "the organizer" found out that none of the members from our team participated the trip, and they hinted (or should I say "indirectly made a complain to) our boss about us not being supportive and participative. Consequently, everyone from our team were called into the meeting room by our boss. And I was shocked, really! And pissed, too!

In the meeting, the boss kindly asked about why we don't want to join that trip. Initially he thought we were so busy that we could not spare a weekend out to join the trip. I think that was me who bragged about how busy we are recently (actually we are!) to other team members that we must stay in town to handle the over-whelming workloads. So we all bla bla bla about our reasons (and maybe excuses) to the boss in the overly spacious meeting room. Some even told the boss straight-away that the trip is plain boring and is a waste of time. In the end, I am relieved and very glad that the boss did not force or insist anyone of us to join the trip. Apparently, he just want to know why we don't want to join and maybe make a feedback to "the organizer".

To the boss?!

However, as I mentioned earlier, I am really shocked that the boss have to call for a meeting just to ask us why we did not join. I am sure someone must have said something to him about us not joining the trip. Not in a very friendly way, I would say. Trying to get the boss to make us join the trip?! Not a chance!

Firstly, that trip is not compulsory, I have a choice to choose not to go. And they should respect my choice.

Secondly, the date time is just not right. Weekend? When we're suppose to rest and have our own privacy? And it's not just one Saturday? It occupies our Friday night till Sunday morning!

Thirdly, the destination. Ipoh? What can we do there three days two nights? Eat and wandering around the street? Visiting the caves and swimming in the Taiping lake? The only reason I would wanna go is only to be with my best mates and have a good time. But three days two nights doing don't-know-what? I'd rather have a one day trip going KTV and have a good meal in KL city. That would be more fun!

Fourthly, how can they ask the boss to put pressure on us when there's no one wanna join? They should review and revise their trip proposal which pathetically UN-interesting to most of my colleagues!

Fifthly, even the company trip is not compulsory! I am pretty busy. Even if I am not busy working in the weekend, I have the right to choose to rest during the weekend so I can have better performance the following week. Besides, since when playing is more important than working? Don't fucking tell me work hard and play hard! Work hard is good enough to shorten my life! I prefer work hard and rest more! And about play hard, I play my own games with my own rules. And not following the crowd doing something I don't enjoy doing.

I'm shoscked to know that some colleagues from other team were actually pressured by their seniors to join the trip, and they finally succumb to the over-whelming pressure and signed themselves up for the trip. As for me, I have to stick to my own plan. No one knows better than me what I want with my life and how I want to live my life. Even my boss never insist us to go, so why should I be bothered?

As if I give a damn?!

It's funny really that initially I am all excited to join the trip because I thought it involves only a few close mates hanging out together and have a good time. Too bad, what I thought is not what they are planning to do. Since I am not agreeable to their proposal, I thought it's normal for me to not join. At least, I think I have the right to choose. And I am pretty disturbed, by the fact that they actually have our boss calling us for a meeting just because none of us wanna join the trip?! What is this all about?!

Been Touched By An Angel

It was the mixture feelings of shock, touched, warm and sweet. I was overwhelmed by his kindness. Almost grabbed him back and kissed him on the lips, and gently said:"Honey, that's really sweet! Thank you!"

That's sweet, honey! What can I do to repay your kindness?

I have been haunted by the busy-devil these days that suddenly, I am a workaholic. Working night and day, week-days and weekend too. Guess my wish of get back to work really do come true. How can I complain? I guess I am picking up the pace and work my way up to the restless working world. Gosh, I even found myself walk a little faster, eat a little quicker, talk a little louder and also got tired easier. Yes, I think it's due to lack of sleep. Anyway, I don't have to describe how works can keep us all busy. After all, I have had enough complaints and gripes over working life in this blog.

Somehow when you're busy, you tend to be unconscious about certain things. When there are too many things to be done, I will automatically set the priorities. Focus most on the most important thing, and basically neglect those small little stuff which can be nothing. It's funny sometimes I forget everything when there's too many things which are equally important. Come on, I am human made with flesh and blood. I am no robot.

I'm no robot!

So my boss assigned me a very tedious job recently which kept me really busy. Even during the weekend I have to bring back my work back home (because I hate to go out or get back to office during weekend), and trying to enjoy the weekend while working. Oh and I have to say, I regretted bringing back my works back home. Not only I can't enjoy the weekend at home, I couldn't finish my work too because I was too busy choosing whether to work or sleeping in my warm bed. And many more distraction with my computer around which is full of hunk photos and porn (oops, I just said that?!), or giga-bytes of drama series and movies to be enjoyed.

In the end, I could hardly complete my work. Realizing the next day is the due date, I then forcefully put myself into working mode shutting away my computer and other possible distraction and work until late at night, or should I say early next morning. With just a few hours sleeping time, I then have to wake up and go to work. And trust me, today is really a "MONDAY BLUE" for me!

Forget about work. Come play with me!

Thought I had finished my work and could enjoy the day in the office? Unfortunately, my boss wanted me to do some final checking right before the lunch time and he wanted it done right after lunch time because the customer needed it then. Oh great! Telling all my colleagues that I have to skip lunch, I having-no-choicely got myself back to work. One of my colleague offered to help buy me lunch and bring it back to office which I thankfully accepted his kind offer.

Staring at the monitor trying to work while feeling extremely blue, I could hardly focus. Thanks to my late night sleep and also skipping the breakfast this morning which kept my stomach empty. I know, it's so unhealthy! I even started to feel unmotivated and discouraged. Why do I have to work this hard? While griping about how unfair life can be and trying to get back my attention to work, suddenly he brought food and placed on my table. And in that moment of time, I saw a lot of things. And I was touched.

Oh my, that's extraordinary.

I thought he would buy a box of chicken rice or maybe nasi lemak. You know, those easy to get and buy kinda food. But no, he bought "ju cheong fun". Ok, I have no idea what it's called in english. And of course, all the food was cut into slices when you bought it and packed in a plastic bag. And he didn't just give me the food in plastic bag. He actually went to the pantry, got a bowl, washed it and poured the food into the bowl. After that, he also cleaned up a fork and brought it over together with the bowl to me.

For a few minutes I stared at the bowl and also the food inside it. How sweet that is! I picked up the fork and tried the food. You know what, it taste fucking great! I felt warm, I felt pampered. Suddenly the world isn't seem so blue. I even smiled a bit while eating the food and trying to work. And surprisingly, I got myself back into the mood to work again. And I started to enjoy eating the food and working. And right after lunch time, I finished the food and also completed my work. I submitted the work to my boss, grabbed the empty bowl and used fork back into the pantry and washed it.

Should I send him a flower to show my appreciation and gratitude?

You bet whenever I think about it, there's only warm and sweetness. I could never thank him enough. He's such a good and kind soul. Oh, about him? Just a colleague. :p

Shut Up

Sometime I just don't understand this people.

As if I care...

It was lunchtime and all of us rushed out of the office as if we've not been eating for ages. But I was really starving as I didn't take my breakfast today. Why not? Simply because I over-slept. Thanks for the long holiday which makes me sleep late and wake up late. I need a few days to get me right back on track.

Anyway, back to the lunchtime. So we were all walking on our way to the destination when I over-heard my colleagues' conversation who were walking behind me.

Colleague A : Look at Ryan. He's been dressing up lately.
Colleague B : Really?
Colleague A : Come on! Look at his hair-style. A little different than usual.
Colleague B : Oh! (Then loudly) Does he really need to dress up?! He's gonna go for his concert meh?!

What now?! You have problem with how I look, Mister?!

I pretended I didn't hear them. But that stupid colleague A then shouted at me and told me what Colleague B has just said. Well, instead of glaring at them with my evil eyes and bombing them with "SHUT YOUR BIG MOUTH UP!", I jokingly said unless my current outlook scare people off, I think I am gonna keep it as I think I am comfortable with how I look like now.

Deep in my heart, I am fucking pissed off!

I mean, what's wrong with dressing up? What's wrong with trying to look good and look better? I have to admit, in my office, most of my colleagues DO NOT care about their outlook. Well, not that they dress badly. But they just don't dress up like I do. They would just wear collared t-shirt and a pair of jeans. Occasionally, they would wear long-sleeve shirt and pant ONLY when the boss informed them in advance that they need to attend a meeting the next day. As for me, I wear long-sleeve shirt and long dark pant everyday except Friday (when I allow myself to be more casual). Which I think that makes me the odd one.

But then again, come on, if you don't want to dress up and wanna be casual, I don't give a fucking damn. Nice or not, I won't critic nor comment. But splashing a whole pail of cold water at me just because I dress up does not make any sense to me. Worse still, it makes me feel like dressing up is wrong and weird. Fuck that! I don't remember I commented anyone in the office dress badly but I do give compliment to those that I think they dress nicely, well-groomed and looking good. And I think dressing up nicely is a manner. It's also a way for us to show respect to our customer or whoever we meet.

That's the way I like it...

And that ignorant colleague of mine trying to bring me down by questioning why the need to dress up? Only if he was my junior, I would have lectured him the whole afternoon until the end of the working day and made him attend a grooming lesson/class! Although he's well-known to be the most good-looking man in our office, I am not impressed. Simply because I am a 'potato-queen'. Guess I am lucky in that sense.

Just Listen

I always have Monday Blue. Alwayz. And the rainy morning does really help to make me even more sleepy than usual. It was as if the drizzling rain has also swept away my motivation to work.

Anyway after lunch time, there was this friend who suddenly chat with me through gtalk messenger. He was sitting right at another end. So I couldn't see him actually actually from my seat. Sometime when I'm bored, I would ping him and disturb him through gtalk.

Talk to me, will you?!

Anyway, today he was griping over another colleague who's not being understanding and judge by her own view. So he was pretty pissed off and annoyed. And I don't know why suddenly he could become so mad that he need to release his anger and tension by talking to me.

And this whole thing reminds me of my life in secondary school and university life. I used to very good in giving advise. Most of my friends would come to me for advise. Mostly about life and friendship. Maybe being the leader most of the time really give others an impression that you see things further and more experienced. And I was always glad to give advise. As if I am their big brother telling them that they should do this and not do that. Or they can try this but not try that. Amazingly I remember that I had this confident that I was telling the right thing. And most of them listened and followed.

Looking back who I was, I am so much different now. I no longer give advise. I'd rather listen. To me now, giving advise hold a very huge responsibility. Other trust you so much that they listened to your advise and follow your guidance whole-heartedly. I'm scared. I'm scared that I lead them to the wrong end. I'm scared that I might cause them even more trouble.And even though at the end they might not blame me, I would never forgive myself.

So I choose to listen. And instead of giving advise, I always smile at them and said that they will get through this or that. And that I will be with them. Or I will be there when they need me. Yes, I am serious about that. I am not intelligent enough to provide solution for every problems. So, I always tell them that I will go through the pain, suffer, sorrow, despair with them. I know that's good enough.

I still remember when I was suffering from depression, my mom told me one thing that I will never forget for the rest of my life. She said :

"Mommy cannot help you. But please remember that I will go through this with you!"

And for that instant, my tears flow like river out of my eyes. It's the thought of knowing that you're not alone, someone are there with you, you have someone to hold on to whenever you fall, which comfort me and cast away all my fears.

Thank you, mommy! Love you so much!

So whenever my friend comes to me for advise, I will only listen to their problems. Depression has undoubtedly taken away much of my confident in giving advise to others. But I am definitely strong enough to listen and make them feel how lucky and precious they are. And listening to them talking about their problems is sometime good enough.