Unfairness or Fate

Many things we can talk about how unfair the world can be. Why is one richer than another? Why is one better looking than another? Why is one smarter than another? And why being gay is not normal and being straight is normal? And the list can go on and on and on and on...

Why?!

It's funny I never remember about being treated unfairly when I was young. Perhaps my parents really made sure everything and everyone was treated equally. If my sibling got a chocolate, then I will have one too. If my parents were to buy toys, they surely bought a toy to each and every one of their children. No one will be left without one toy. Oh well, that's what most of the children care about when they were young. Play and eat and sleep. No complicated desires and needs.

Too bad when I grow, I got to see a lot of unfairness. And it hurts seriously. And I started questioning why and how come, this and that?! Some have reasons, some other just don't. Fate?! Or whatever. But to really be the victim of the unfairness, most of the time they can only sigh and move on with their life. Like victims in the war? What can they do? They can only suffer and pray that tomorrow will be better. Or people who suffer with poverty? They chose to be poor? Or is it because it is their fate?

Perhaps I am destined to be...

Of course about me being gay, I always think it is unfair how most (straight) people perceive and look at homosexuality. But I can't really blame them because they don't understand. So what can I do? Sigh, and move on with my life. Perhaps I have to consider myself lucky, that I actually being able to accept myself for who I am, instead of struggling to change myself to someone I am not.

And whenever I think about these unfairness, I feel sad, I feel disappointed, I feel angry and most of them time I will be over-whelmed with negative emotions that might be haunting me for days.

And I am having those negative feelings and emotions these days. Thanks to the update from my friend about that old cunning bitch! According to my friend, that bitch has resigned and her colleagues think that my friend is being the cruel and mean one who caused that old bitch to resign. As if my friend was the one who bully an elder? Obviously they do not know what had that old cunning bitch done to my friend, do they?! And yet they dare to judge. Isn't that unfair to my friend?

Sigh...

Talk about unfairness. I am speechless! And very much disturbed! And what can I do? Sigh, and move on...

Match Making

Sometime I really doubt if people around me doesn't know that I have a soft spot for men. Come on, a (self-claimed) handsome man at my age still single and available? Even I would be having questions in my head if I were to see another person like that. It's either the person is having attitude problem which no one can endure, or living in this not-so-conservative-anymore (yet still conservative) country, that person must be a gay-in-the-closet. Oh well, at least I am one.

Well, you don't know me!

Anyway, I started to feel very disturbed lately when my colleague try to be a match-maker to match me up with another single and available lady in the office. Initially I laughed it off treating it as a jokes, but when she persistently hinting me here and there about how that lady would be delighted if I asked her out bla bla bla... I got annoyed, and sometime pissed off. Not wanting to ruin another friendship or colleague-ship, I normally would smile at her and turn away, keep my mouth shut, fearing that I might screamed and yelled and cursed if I were to allowed my mouth to open wide.

Hell, sometime I rehearsed in my head a few times, telling myself that if that colleague were to hint me or jokes about that lady with me again, I should just tell her right in the face :"I don't do girl, annoying-bitch! So just shut the fuck up and find me a hunky stud! I would very much appreciate it!" Wonder what kind of reaction she will give me. Shocking? Stunned? Speechless? Oh no, most probably she will broadcast this "interesting news" to the whole company that apparently there's a homo in town! Damn it! Sometime she can be such annoying bitch! That's why, I am thankful I didn't do what I rehearsed in my mind.

Introduce me a stud, hunky one, please!

Yet, come to think of it, will she ever match me up with another guy in the company since she is so eager to become a match-maker?! Who knows there's actually another homo in town, too?! Hmm... oh wait a minute! Seriously speaking, I think I have known most of the people in my company, and I don't think there's any available men I am lusting for. Not even a crush. Most of them are boring programmers (as if I am any better than them?!). Come on, after all, I am a potato queen and none of them are 'potatoes'. Guess I really have had enough of (being surrounded by) the 'rice'?!

Oh well, being matched or not, I still believe true love can, and will be found. But I really hate being matched. It's as if I was so dumb or so not charming that I couldn't attract another man but needed someone else help me to find one? Worse still, matched me up with another lady? No offense to that fine lady, but again, I don't do female. Maybe I am not gay enough? Or is it because I don't have a pink shirt with tight purple pant? Or a tight jeans with rainbow colour shirt will help me screaming out loud :"I AM GAY!"? Those would be the last thing I do, anyway! :P

Perhaps shirtless is better!?

Even though I am very much agree with the saying of "Treat others like how you want to be treated!", I guess it is no harm to playfully and jokingly play a match making thing on my own. At least, I think I would be a better match maker? So I thought I should match up some celebrities or hunky studs which I personally think (or fantasize) they should be singing "We Belong Together" to each other.

Eric Dane & Patrick Dempsey

I don't know why. But they are the first 'couple' that comes to my mind. Seen Eric before (forget from where) but lately found him again from the movie "Wedding War". And gosh he is HOT! I don't have to introduce McDreamy! We love him, always. I so want to catch the movie "Made of Honour"! Both equally mature to me and have great smile and good-looking eyes.

Next,

Matus Valent & Nick Beyeler

Both are equally hot model who I can watch over and over again. Not sure if any one of them is gay, who cares anyway?! But I am already certain that if both were to fall for each other, I couldn't imagine what kind of romantic drama if will be. I would really want to see Matus being James Bond 007. I think he will be VERY hot! As for Nick, gosh he can really stretch. Isn't it hot to see a hot guy stretching it out for Bond 007? Oh, my imagination can really run wild, sometimes.(erm... most of the time, actually!)

Let's see the third 'couple' :

Justin Timberlake & Ryan Phillippe

Irresistible! This two young dudes have me drooling. You have no idea how I like to see Justin moves! Gosh, the way he moves melt my heart and takes my breath a away! Not to mention he could also sing and act. And as for Ryan, another talented actor. Even though I haven't seen him sing, I bet he doesn't need to sing to win anyone's heart. A sexy stare from him would have me down on my knees. I don't know why, but I think both of them fall into the same category. And they both look sexy with a little hair on their chin. Nice body nice face. And to imagine them both gazing into each other's eyes, I can already hear Justin singing "Love-Stoned"! And if I were to catch them lips-locking and french-kissing, I would thank "Whoever Up Above" to grant me the rare opportunity to witness such great sight!

Julian McMahon & Matthew Fox

FU-YOH! Is there anything better to see two doctors making out or exploring human anatomy on the same bed?! Hot Hot Hot! I have never seen "Nip/Tuck" actually, but I do know Julian through the movie "Premoniton". And how can we not know Dr. Jack who lost in the island spreading the virus of sexi-ness here and there. I always wanted him to strip or at least take off that fucking shirt while running or sweating on that heating Lost island. To me apparently, both are equally hot! Just want them to get on the same bed and do the thing they're good at! Go do it, doctors!

Marco Dapper & John Paul Calderon

Hmm... Marco Marco Marco! The hot hunk in Eating Out 2. A new found talent and rising star. And JP the new found model who just came out few years back. This a little shy professional volleyball player cum model really is an eye-candy! My instinct tell me that they belong together. If I were their friends, I would introduce them to know each other. They seem so perfect together. Don't they?

OK, five couples are enough! Gosh my list can go on and on.
- Tom Cruise & Brad Pitt?
- Josh Duhamel & James Denton?
- Chris Evans & Ryan Gosling?

Anyway, I am just having fun match-making. And tell you what, not an easy task. You can simply mix and match, but sometime it's very odd when you match one to another one which just don't fit to be together. Pierce Brosnan and Chris Evans? Daddy and son? Oh well, I am just crapping! Anyway, I do have fantasy about watching one stud with another stud. Eye candies, they are. Who doesn't want to see two perfect creatures together? They beautify everything! And that's it. What more can you expect? After all, if you happen to see two of your favourite hunks together, you can only watch and see and keep on fantasizing... or maybe a little busy with your hand(s) between your legs, that's it!?

Now I don't have to explain why I love watching gay-themed movies! Now go do your own match-making! :P

Side Note/Disclaimer : The above match-making are purely for personal fun! No Offense! After all it's just my fantasy. Ignore it if you don't like it. :P Do comment if you somehow like it! :D

Time To Say Goodbye

Months of silence and patience finally come to an end. Oh, happy I am! Excited, I am. Though a little worry and uncertain about the coming future, I guess I am ready to take up the new challenges ahead. Yes, I am officially transferred!

Ahhh... finally!

It marks a turning point of my working life. Definitely! I will have to start everything anew. New skills, new teammates, new supervisor, new environment, new pressures, new customers, new... new new! Ah, 'new' seems so beautiful at times.

It's funny just now I actually feel a little sad to have to let go all the current projects or assignment I have in hand. And to hand over my (just realized) beloved customers to my other teammates, I kinda feel sad and reluctant to let go. It's like giving my babies away. OK, a little exaggerating, but almost the same feeling. You see, I put my greatest efforts in every projects and serve my every clients whole-heartedly. Some of them even have become my good friends now, and they trust me. Not that I don't believe my colleagues who will take over my place will not be as good as I am, but to let go of all the things I build up with my bare hands, it's just a little difficult for me.

It's not easy to let go, honey!

Not only that, I suddenly have more interest and more motivated to do my work and to ensure that my works are done before I hand over to my teammates. Maybe because this will be my last time to do this same old job. Writing email, typing meeting minutes, performing testing with users, attend to user's request, even answering to user's call is a little bit more interesting than usual.

Oh receiving an email from my supervisor asking me to start doing the hand over, I happily list down all my current tasks/job, customers I support and all the other remaining ad hoc assignment I have in hands. To my surprise, I have handled so many things, alone! While feeling a little proud of myself, I wonder how my teammates are gonna survive. Surely they will have to suffer for a few months to get used to the extra workloads. Oh I am so having the feeling that they will certainly curse me in the coming future. Oh well, why should I care?!

Take it like a man, dude!

Now that I will be leaving the team soon. Very soon, indeed. I have got to finish all my unfinished work in hands. I shouldn't leave a whole mess to my colleagues. Part of me feel a little guilty that all my jobs/works will have to be bear by my teammates; Another part of me is laughing out loud that finally I will be free to soar higher!!! Oh, and I just heard that my team is starting to hire new staff. Bless 'em!

That Old Cunning Bitch

* This post contains hate-speech. Read at your own risk!*

Don't say that I did not warn you!

I have got a shocking news today. Not really a news, but an incident which hurt my friend, a close friend. She normally is a very strong and steady lady. But today she actually broke down and cried. Knowing her weeping is something abnormal to me. Well, she's human too. Flesh and blood, we're made.

So what happened to her? Since today I'm quite free (thanks to my hard works and undying spirit to finish my works as soon as I can), I thought I could have a chat with her through the internet. Oh well, then she brought up the whole story and I could always lend my ears and just listen.

Apparently my friend had a fight (not even sure if it was a fight), or more accurately, was attacked by the coffee-lady, no no, should be coffee-auntie or coffee-witch in her company. Actually that old woman didn't like my friend for a long long time. That old woman claimed that my friend talked bad things about her behind her back, which my friend swore to "whatever up above" that she has NEVER, and will NEVER do anything like that. So not knowing who is the one who spread such rumour about my friend talking bad things about the coffee-woman, the old-woman hates my friend so much that every time if she's in a very very bad mood, she would curse my friend, calling names, filthy words... you name it, right to my friend's face. Sometime in front of other colleagues too.

Don't fuck with me!

My friend had tried many times to talk to that old-woman (damn, I so want to call that old woman a bitch, whore or un-civilised witch! keep reading then you'll know why!) and asked her why she deserved to be treated like that. Unfortunately, the coffee-woman never even bother to talk to her but continue cursing her and calling her names in front of everyone. The funny thing is that the boss knows about this, and had been trying to talk to that coffee-woman as well, yet the coffee woman still ignore to have a discussion to sort things out between them. The boss also couldn't do anything about it.

So, having got used to being called names and hearing filthy words from that filthy mouth, my friend had gone tired of trying to talk to her. So she basically just ignore whatever bad things come from that old filthy mouth, and concentrate hard on finishing her works.

And so today, when that old-woman (don't know what went wrong on her hormone or what) started with the cursing and name calling again while walking out of their office door, my friend couldn't take it anymore and walk outside the office door and face that old woman to try to settle this misunderstanding or whatever once and for all since that old woman will be outside waiting for the elevator to reach their floor.

So what's the fucking problem with you?

So basically their conversation can be summarize into following :-

Poor Freind : Why are you calling me names again?! What have I done wrong?!
Old Bitch : Wish you been 'tiu' (fucked) by people many times! You bitch!
Poor Friend : Stop saying that! You have not tell me why I deserved to be cursed like that?!
Old Bitch : Don't pretend that you don't know, bitch! You have been talking bad things about me behind my back to everyone!
Poor Friend : No, I did not! And why would I do that?!
Old Bitch : Don't you lie! I know it is all true! Someone told me that it is true!
Poor Friend : Fine! Then ask that person to come out now we all clarify this once and for all.
Old Bitch : Why should I?!

When my friend try to defend herself , the elevator door has opened and the old woman asked her to come in with her and they could argue down-stair. Fine! Once they stepped into the elevator and the door is closed, that old cunning bitch started hitting and attacking my friend with both hands. And one of her old filthy finger got across my friend's cheek. Luckily that did not left any scar or cut on my friend's cheek. To my surprise, that old whore also tried to use her shoe to attack my friend. Luckily my friend was then better prepared and protected herself well-enough from being attacked again.

Once they got down to the lobby, that old bitch never stop cursing and calling names. Even the security guards down-stair were clueless about what was just happened, and they fucking did nothing! Heart-broken, depressed, devastated, she took another elevator and went back up to her office. Then she broke down and cried.

What have I done wrong?!

Now you tell me! What is wrong with that old cunning bitch?! What has my friend done wrong to deserve such unacceptable violent attack?! Gosh, I don't understand! Even if my friend really talk bad things about her behind her back, a tight slap will do?! Why such violent attack? And she couldn't even prove that my friend said bad things about her! She even refused to have that "whoever rumour-spreader" to come out and clarify this thing out?! Who is telling lies and who is creating stories?!

What got to my nerve is that when my friend was crying, blood came out from her nose. Then she remembered her nose was being hit once by that cunning bitch!

That bitch!

WTF, that Old Cunning Bitch! Gosh, what the fucking hell! Urgh!

Luxurious Stay

Finally, got away from the big hectic KL city to a rural place where I long to visit since years ago. Gosh, I really left everything behind and "fly away". But I have to admit though, for the first few nights away from KL, I still have dream about works at night. I guess that's just uncontrollable. My brain has got used to the constant processing of what need to be done and setting the priority... bla bla bla. Anyway, at least I still have a good get-away trip.

Did I mention I actually stayed in a 5-stars hotel for one night? Gosh, it was simple FANTASTIC! Even though I hate the fact that the receptionist were a little unprofessional and did not have a sense of urgency, I still enjoyed my stay in the luxurious accommodation.

I love the big size bed, the over-sized pillows, the yellow lightings, the bath tub, the glasses-walled shower place, a lot of short and long towels and the TV with special programs (when will Malaysian hotel ever provide gay porn? or straight porn?). Air condition was just perfect too. The best experience I ever had during my stay in the hotel was filling up the bath tub with warm water and having a jacuzzi session on my own. That was REALLY de-stressing! After that, I wore only my boxer and lie on my bed with the radio playing love songs. That experience was just simply amazing!


For one moment I did think about how much better it would be if I have a boyfriend then to enjoy the wonderful experience together. Cuddling and kissing in the warm bed would definitely be the thing I would want to do. Or perhaps simple gazing into each other eyes having sweet talks and let each other know how much we love each other and so and so. That really put smiles on my face.

But that went off very quickly. I looked out of the window and observe the quiet town. And when I looked up into the sky, I was really pleased to see thousands of stars sparkling like a precious diamonds spreading all over the wide sky. I felt welcomed. I felt sweet. I took a deep breath and I love the fresh air. For a long long time I never see stars at night. Not a chance in KL city, perhaps because of the light pollution?

Even though it was one night only, I felt great, satisfied. Guess what, I don't dare to see my credit card statement coming next month. Oh well, fuck it!

Failure

Failure. A word so simple, can be so hurtful.

Damn, I failed!

You see, when I was young, failure never seem to be something I will face. Everything I did will be a success at the end. Never failed my exam. Never lost terribly in any competition. If not the first, I would get the second. What is failure? It was very strange to me.

Always winning obviously built up my confidence, which also made me a very arrogant person. Yeah, I was always the best. Good in this and best at that. Talented, handsome, excellent, brilliant... oh, you name it! Those compliments were showered on me as if I am the brightest star in the whole wide sky.

And to be a "bright child" definitely not a good thing for a person I would say. I didn't know the feeling of not being the winner. How does it feel to lose? I used to wonder how my siblings would feel about me and themselves. Obviously I was good and better than them in almost everything. Better exam result. Brought back a lot of prizes from competition and all that jazz. I was just so "sparkling"! And my siblings were just being very normal. Not too good and not bad at all. And sometime I kinda envy them for being able to be normal.

Winner of all times!

Oh well, funny as how it may sound, the more I grow, the worse I am. Let's start with my school exam result. I did better in primary school. I got worse in secondary school. And university? I was just lucky enough to pass my bachelor degree, second upper. And about my talent? No particular talent. How about procrastination? Piano? Gosh, I was playing piano during the weekend and I was shocked to realize that I could hardly complete a repertoire. My fingers were like so disobedient that they never follow my brain's instruction. So, a wonderful piano pieces turned out to be a horrible song even I myself found that I should stop torturing my family member's ears.

Then depression hit me few years back. No matter how "shiny" I was, depression really clouded it all with darkness and fears. For the first time in my life, I felt I was a failure. Whatever I did was wrong and has never been good. It was as if whatever I did will turn out to be a total disaster. And it all came with disappointment and more heart-breaking. Inferiority. Pessimistic. All those negativities. All comes at once and they sure know how to attack your weakest point. At one point I really surrendered and let them all ate me up. I was just drowning... into the deep deep valley of... don't know what?!

Anyway, come to think of it, I really glad that I have actually gone through that period. It makes me stronger and wiser of course. Most importantly, it made me taste the bitterness of failure. And I also learn how to deal with it. I also learn how to handle the overwhelming pressure and stress that could easily bring me down. But now, I have known about failure. I know how to face it. And I know how to face it with a smile on my face. Oh yeah, that once used to be my enemy has now become a friend of mine. You bet failure can be a good friend who taught me how to become better and better, as long as you don't succumb to its tricky pressure.

Besides, I also learn how to love myself and treat myself right. Failure can be so mean it makes you hurt yourself and blame yourself. Ah, it can also lead you to many more disappointment and depression. But no, I won't let it anymore. It may be able to push me down to the ground, but I will rise again and face it with my victorious smile.

Spread my wings and fly...

Failure failure. It itself is a failure. So I have learned not to be at its side. I will always stand opposite failure and be the winner!

Re-connected

Thanks to the merciless lightning, my modem-router was basically "kena bombed" and not functioning as expected. Hell, it took me around two days to actually realize that the modem router was "gone". Would've done a "funeral" for it, but I was so desperately busy to buy a new modem router that I basically neglected it. I don't even know where I have put it now. Most probably crying like a baby somewhere in the house cursing me for being so mean and cruel. Anyway, the most is important thing is that I am finally connected to the world again. I certainly do not hesitate or reluctant to buy a new modem. I thought I can't live without internet.

No internet? I'm fine!

Surprisingly, I actually lived without internet for a few days!

Oh well, no internet means no blog to read, no male images to be seen, no movies to be downloaded, no nothing... It's a basic necessity to me. Luckily I have downloaded enough movies and drama series to keep me company during the "drought season". And I also managed to dig out some old movies which I have downloaded ages ago which still reside somewhere in my computer hard-disk. Some of them just plain boring (yet I still finished watching them as I don't want to waste my efforts of downloading them. Yeah, stupid as it may sound! :P); Some other are actually quite interesting. I won't go deep into that, but they are all gay-themed movies. Bla bla bla... Say whatever you want to say, but I am just so into gay-themed movie. Why shouldn't I?

Missed me?!

Guess what, now I am back on line. The first thing I do is hunting for movies and drama series again. And surfing for male images of course. I guess I am addicted. Or perhaps this is some sort of "saving" for the rainy days. Who knows, the lightning might strike again and my modem would have to be admitted to "hospital" for treatment a few days?

Hell, I am actually considering to buy a few modem routers as a back-up. Just to make sure I will always be connected to the internet. What was I thinking?! Damned, I sound so desperate! :P

Desperado!