It's pathetic that living for more than 20 years and I still cannot define and truly fully experience love. What's love? No, don't ask me that! Love is... love.
But I have to be glad though that I have experienced the love from family and friend. Family loves me, and my friends love me. So even though at times I find myself pathetically alone without that special someone who will always be by my side, I always tell myself that I should be thankful because, at least, I am loved, by family and friends of course.
But that doesn't stop me from dreaming to have that special someone who will always be by my side. The white Prince, the so-called Mr. Right, the ultimate love of my life, the partner and the one who I will spend my life with. How nice it would be...
You know, it doesn't help when my mom asked me when will I get a girlfriend? Who are you hanging with? A guy or a girl? Even though sometime she said no need to rush to get a wife, deep down inside I am so sure she wanted to see me get married and build a family on my own. At least she would want to witness that when she is still alive. Perhaps, that's what she secretly hopes for now. And I wonder what will it be if I were to bring home a perfect man holding my hand. Or a gentleman sending flowers to my home where I happily receive it with a sweet smile on my face. Or a gorgeous man sending me home from a date planting a kiss on my cheek (or lips) before I walked into the front door, turning around and saying goodbye to him.
Dream dream dream...
Yeah, I've never been afraid to dream. For I know that's the least I can do to make myself happy. And to make my dreams more interesting, I love to watch romantic movies. All those "happily ever after" movies certainly makes my dreams feel more real and achievable. From straight chic-flicks to gay-themed romantic movies... I watched them all. "Love Actually", "The Holiday", "27 dresses", "Straight Jacket", "Shelter"... that's where my dreams come true. Even though they come and go, I enjoy the moment and I look for another great moment to come later.
Shane Mack - Lie To Me
Lately I just watch the gay-themed movie - Shelter. I totally enjoyed the movie. That night, my whole family went out to shopping and left me all alone in my house. So the perfect thing to do is indulge myself in the not-so-real world. So I play that movie and threw myself into bed hugging my favourite pillow, sat back and enjoy the sweet, romantic movie. The movie has everything I like, two guys (hunky), surfers fell in love. There were complications (yes, that's life), sweet conversations, hot love-making, confusion, some hilarious scripts... the best part is that I got to see two guys lying in bed just gazing into each other's eyes and knowing how lucky and loved they are. That particular part totally won my heart over. I know, that's love.
Of course there's always a side effect after watching that kind of movie, especially for a single person like me. I'll tend to think about my love life and feel how pathetically alone I am. Then bla bla bla... all those negative thoughts... unfairness... just overwhelming. Thanks to my years of practice, I managed to put a shield all over me and those things could never attack me or bring me down. I've learned to cast them away by telling myself that I am good person and I do have people who love me for who I am. If I were destined to be alone for the rest for my life, I know that many people love me, and I can love them all back. :D
Still unsure of how my love life would be, I simply put a smile on my face and walk one step at a time. "Come what may...", I tell myself.