Old Man Getting Old

Dad hasn't been feeling well lately. I cannot recall how many times he paid visits to the clinic over the past few months. But it seems like a lot of times. Just over the past two days, he visited the clinic twice. I believe he is having digestion problem which causes him to have bloating stomach. His stomach contains so much gas that he could hardly fall asleep. And yesterday he felt nauseous and dizzy for the whole day. He has no appetite to eat anything. No quality sleep and now no appetite to eat? How could he possibly recover from anything?!

My father is old. I am reminded once again when the doctor asked me how old is my father. Sixty-one. Yes, not like ancient old but old enough to be a grandfather if he is ever that lucky. Apparently not. Like I said, watching him being sick is not good. I remember last time when he was sick, he would just take a day off and rest. The next day he will be back to his normal self. Nothing to worry about. But recently, I noticed he needs to take awhile to recover. An obvious sign that he is getting old.

And me being the son, I suddenly feel kinda lost. I have no idea how to take care of my dad. While he is being sick, I can just watch and bring him whatever he needs: water, food, medicines etc. Sometime I even feel kinda annoyed and irritated, which followed by guiltiness and shamefulness for being an unfilial son. Now I know how difficult it is to take care of a sick patient. The constant groaning of discomfort is good enough to have you frowned.

I guess I have got to learn to take care of my parents from now on. They are really getting old. They will definitely need more assistance than they used to. Meanwhile, I will also have to find more ways to keep them as healthy as possible. It's just tormenting to see them fall sick. Right now, I pray earnestly that my dad will recover soon.

Un(Forgive & Forget)

"Not you again?!"

I am actually surprised I can hate someone so much that every time I see this person I could feel the hatred within me so strong that I just want to get this person out of my sight, out of my mind. And being the Facebook addict, I can't help but always (unintentionally) see his face popping up here and there whenever he post something. Of course, I don't simply hate a person. He did hurt me before. Therefore I hate him. Why and how he hurt me? Well, there'll be another story.

Anyway, lately I also realized that not only did I hate him, I also kinda detest those who related to him or befriended him. Yes, I know that's very unfair to those people. And I know I am not supposed to be like that and I hate myself for being like that. But that's just the things I noticed about myself lately. I mean, he is such a badass. Why would anyone befriended him?! So I assumed that those who befriended him are either badasses as well, or, they haven't known his true colour. Oh I am such a mean, evil person, I know!

Sometime I tell myself maybe I should forgive him and forget what he did to me. Hahaha… I am laughing at myself for writing this sentence. I reckon even if time heals the pain, but the scars will still remain. He will always remind me of the scar which has been imprinted permanently in my heart. I might not feel the pain, nor hate him as much as the time goes by, but time can never erase the memory I have about him. Unless of course, I lost my memory or something like that.

As long as I remember, I am sorry to say, I cannot forgive, nor forget. I won't revenge, nor treated him badly. But don't expect me to be nice and friendly to this person. Oh, suddenly I feel like I am the badass!

Suck It Up Like A Man

I walked into the room, nervously. Not sure if I could handle it. But I told myself everything's gonna be alright. "Come on, this is not my the time.", I told myself.

I pushed the door open. Everyone was looking at me. They were there earlier. Waiting for someone or something. Obviously my sudden entrance caught their attention. They were staring at me, as if I'm an alien from Mars. For awhile, I felt totally uncomfortable. I took a deep breath, ignoring the stares, and scanning the whole room to look for a spot for me. Getting all the tools I needed, I found an empty space and waited. Oh, the aircond did not cool down the heat they released. Some of them were sweaty, others are looking forward to be sweaty. I am still being watched and examined. "Be confident! You can do it!", I motivated myself.

Eventually they looked away, as though they have had enough of me, and started looking for the next prey. Suddenly I've become one of them. Someone entered the room, and we looked, we examined, we stopped, and waited for the next 'victim'. Until the instructor finally came in, started the music and we were all sent to hell, and suffer!

"Not too light for this workout! Put more weight!!", yelled the hunky man on the stage. And all of us were so obedient we did what we were told. Surely, we were all willingly to be the slave.

"Stay with me! Stay with me! Yeah! You know you want it!", screamed the hunky instructor with music blasting so loud in the room. Sweat dripping down from my head, to my face, to my neck, to my body. Somehow, all of us endured the pain, feeling the muscle harden and harden. Occasionally, we groaned, unsure if it's due to the pain or the ecstasy. The temperature never stop rising!

"Yeah! Feel the pain! Take it slow! Hold it there! One more! One more! You're almost there!"

Carrying the weight, I need to keep my mind away from the excruciating pain that constantly persuading me to give up. But no, I must not give up. I gotta be a hot man by 30 years old, a pledge that I've made to myself. I'm already here. It's a matter of win or lose. And I must win.

And so I focus on the screaming of the instructor. Not only that, watching every inches of his muscle flex does help to keep my mind away from the pain. His intermittent flirtatious wink and smile (though not to me) did somehow help to get me through each challenging workout. Luckily I wasn't turn on enough to have a big bulge between my legs.

"Good Job! That's a great workout!"

At the end of the class, we can feel every group of our muscle are screaming in ecstasy. Can almost feel they are begging for more! And for today, my triceps are loving the extra weight I added. I could feel the satisfaction. Imagining the pain is making the muscle growing and growing. Ah, suddenly the pain doesn't matter anymore!

Touching every muscles I have worked on today, I could feel the heat from them. And I know, the pain is worthwhile. Like they all say, no pain no gain. If you want to be hot, you've gotta suck the pain up like a man!

He's Just Not That Into You

No, I wasn't gonna talk about that book. Nor about the movie. Though I did watch half of the movie. Yes first half of the movie. Why? It was because I watched the movie late at night. And then I felt really sleepy. So I stopped watching and never continue since then.

Anyway, I guess I had just tasted the bitterness of "he's just not that into you". Well, the thing is I know this guy through Facebook. He has quite a good look though he is not that hunky. We exchanged a few messages and he kept complimenting how cute I was and stuff like that. Being flattered, I told him he is good-looking too (as he really is). And finally I asked if he wanna hang out sometime. He said :"Sure. But no contact how to hang out." So I gave him my number and requested him to send me an SMS with his name in it so I can have his contact too.

I waited. And waited. Anticipating a response from him. After a day, I never received the SMS, nor a reply in Facebook message. I got frustrated. And keep asking myself :"Should I send him another message? Will I sound desperate?" Or maybe he was busy. Maybe he didn't check his Facebook inbox. Maybe he sent the SMS to the wrong number? I double-checked the number I sent to him. It's the correct number. Then why isn't he sent me the SMS? Why didn't he response?

And my anxiousness suddenly reminded me of the movie I watched the other day - He's Just Not That Into You. Yeah, the lady waited for a few days for the sweet-talker to return the call. But he never did. Poor that lady. And now that happened to me. Oh, you know what, that sucks! However, I guess that's part of the game, right?! Like it or not, you won't always get the guy you like.

Guess I have to, again, move on.

The Annoying Indecisiveness

Did you ever have this moment where you really do not know what you really want to do? There are many options and choices for you to choose over but you just couldn't pick one and really do it. Well, I believe many people have that kind of situation. But it seems like recently, that happened to me, a lot. As a matter of fact, I don't like it.

Take a weekend afternoon for an example.

I was like, hmm..., maybe I could make myself a cup of tea and read the magazine. That sounds very enjoyable. And then another thought interrupted: How about playing the piano? I have a few pieces to practice and now seems like a good time. While busy choosing between the two options, I was busy facebook-ing, browsing the latest "news-feed" busy-bodying over people's interesting (or matter-of-factly uninteresting) life or comment or post. And then another idea pop in: maybe I should watch a movie. I have a few movies that I have yet to watch, such as The King's Speech, The Black Swan, Burlesque and so on. And then another inner voice of me suddenly objected and said :"Watching a movie will simply kill few hours of time. You should do something more meaningful and valuable for that few hours." OK, what am I suppose to do which are meaningful and valuable? Cleaning my own bedroom? Oh, help mom sweep the floor? Oh, weekend is suppose to relax and enjoy yourself. Maybe I should just catch up with my drama series. But I have so many series. Which one should I choose? Again, while my head is busy choosing which drama to watch, facebook kept updating me with my friends' "latest news" I eventually forgot that I should pick one drama series and watch. At the end, I did nothing. The only thing I remember I was doing is busy deciding what to do (which happened only in my head) while busy facebook-ing.

Referring to the dictionary, indecisive means (of a person) not having or showing the ability to make decisions quickly and effectively. Oh yes, that's so me in that case!

How come?! Since when I become such an indecisive person and basically wasted the whole afternoon just like that. I could've done something more satisfying. Gosh, even watching a movie could be satisfying. A good movie, I mean. At least a good movie can be inspiring, entertaining or touching. Better than me busy deciding and in the end, nothing. Vain. Void. Urgh, the unproductiveness, the unfruitfulness, and the emptiness are so frustrating that they could be a pain in the ass. (Oops, how come it sounds a bit salah (wrong) here?!)

In fact, I noticed not only me having this problem. For example, during lunch time, my colleagues and I always have problem choosing where to eat and what to eat. Same goes with dinner, family members always having trouble deciding where to dine.

Is it because we have too many options or choices, and that requires a lot of our efforts to choose, to weigh the values for each option, to filter those bad choices, and to re-evaluate all the remaining options we have and choose again. The process of choosing can be so daunting and tedious that we eventually give up and walk away. Leaving things where they are, hoping everything will turn out right. Yes, we walk away and hope for someone who will eventually make a decision, or something will happen and leave us no choice but to choose that option, or just simply ignore it as it's not life-threatening anyway.

I started to think why am I having problem choosing or selecting something?

I think ultimately, I'm just afraid to choose because I don't have the courage to bear the consequences. What if the decision I make is wrong? If the decision is wrong, will I be able to make it right? Will I be able to face the consequences?

Oh yes, life can be harsh some times and the last thing you want to do is get yourself hurt again. So I'm always careful. So careful that sometime I think doing nothing is the best I could do. Having said that, when come to decision making, I've always consider whether or not I would be hurt, whether or not I will be happy and feel comfortable with it, whether or not I have the ability to deal with whatever that are coming after that. If I doubt it, automatically, I stop making decision. Put it on hold. KIV. Unfortunately, it seems like I am putting everything on hold and KIV that I ended up deciding nothing. Hence, doing nothing but procrastinating. It's pathetic, I know!

Perhaps having no choice would be easier. That way, I think I will be much more productive. I remember during school time, I could finish a lot of home-works assigned by the teacher. I'm still amazed by how I could finish all the exercises for so many subjects that we learnt in school. Oh yes, everyone has no choice but to finish them all and submit the next day to be marked by the teacher. Wait a minute, there's choice, either do your home-works or being punished in front of all your classmates by the teacher the next day. But most of us would not choose the latter.

Maybe I shouldn't be too hard on myself. Just simply choose anything and just fucking do it. Yeah, just fucking do it and stick to it until I finish it. I think some time I worried too much and I ended up doing nothing. Yeah, like the weekend afternoon, I should've just pick one choice and stick to it and finished it. Let's say I choose to play piano, I should just don't care about other option and fucking play for at least 2 hours until I got my hands exhausted. Then I can stop and choose another one, say read magazine. I should just throw all the other available options behind my head and just fucking enjoy reading the magazine. After all, it's just to spend a weekend afternoon. Not like making life-changing decision. Guess I've made everything looks difficult and complicated.

Of course, when dealing with life-changing issues, I should be more serious in making the right decision. But I guess for small matter, when there are too many options, just simply choose one and do it. Stick to it and finish it. If it turns out bad, just learn from the mistake and don't do it anymore. Yeah, if you like it, you know you'll do it again and again. That's part of the learning process when we live our life, right?! I think so.

Oh crap, just another rambling post! At least I stick to it and fucking finish writing this.

Sometimes It Hurts Instead

They said in order to kill the pain, first you have to acknowledge the pain and make peace with it. So I am acknowledging it now by writing it down. Guess this is probably one of the most difficult entry I made for this blog. I could feel as if my heart is bleeding while I am typing this. Once in a while I'll put my hand on the chest, hoping the warmth of my hand would somehow provide the comfort I needed for myself. And I take a deep breath, trying to forget everything that was so sweet that it hurts even more now.

I wanted to forget the first day I met him.

I wanted to forget his shyness and sweet sweet smile.

I wanted to forget the warmth I felt when he was sitting next to me.

I wanted to forget the words that he had said to me.

I wanted to forget every other nights talking and laughing with him over the phone.

I wanted to forget the text messages and greetings he sent to me.

I wanted to forget every other things that he said and done...

But,

Only to find myself remembering them all over again.

No, we weren't lovers. We were two individuals searching for someone to love. And we thought there's a possibility between us. And so we tried. Somehow, things didn't work out. Love is gone, pain and sorrow seep in, at least that's what happened for me.

And so I started to hate.

I hate the fact that I didn't know how he really felt when we were trying to be together.

I hate the fact that I was given the cold shoulder instead of talking things out or be honest with me when he gave up on us.

I hate the fact that I was declined to meet face to face to have the one last talk.

I hate the fact that I was treated like a stranger every time we meet again though we said we will be friends.

I hate the fact that I have to see him again some time.

And so I hate...

Just when I barely recover from this heart-break, he has to bring another huge news: He found somebody new and everyone knows it!

No, I am not blaming him for finding someone new. He has every right to do so. But I hate the fact that he did not manage to keep it to himself (or themselves) but made such a big-entry and made everyone raises their eye-brows, which eventually put me into a very awkward situation. When everyone asking and teasing him about his new-found love, what am I suppose to do? How am I supposed to feel? How am I suppose to react?

Oh I smiled. Yes, I smiled. When everybody interrogating him about his new love, I smiled. And I turned to somewhere else trying to hide my pain. I could feel the heat all over my face and it was in red. I could also feel the barely-recovered-wound being cut open again. And It hurts every time my heart beats. Oh how my heart bleeds! The hurt and pain was so great that I almost felt suffocated. And yet, I tried to smile, laugh even. No tear. No cry. I fucking smiled. And then, I felt numb. I remember that day I was driving home after that, listening to Adele's album, wanting to cry, but there's no tears. That feeling was miserable!

Luckily, everybody there doesn't seem to know our past. Everybody thought we were just friends. Things would have been worse if everyone knew we were trying to be together.

Love has once again break my heart.

Love has once again bring me disappointment and despair.

Love has once again throw me into the deep darken valley of sorrow.

Love has once again bring me down...

Having nobody to talk to nor find comforts in... that sucks! I am so amazed by how cold and harsh the world can be that it always have a way to break you and make you fall.

And so I allowed myself to dwell in the hurt and pain for the past few days. Remembering or thinking about all the "glory days" and "could have" and "what ifs". Before I fall into deep depression, I guess now it's time to take a step back, take a deep breath and stand up again. Consider this a lesson learnt.

I've learnt that I should keep an open mind for any relationship.

I've learnt that it's better to start from being friends first, instead of rushing into anything further.

I've learnt that sometime feelings need to be expressed and conveyed clearly.

I've learnt that sometime heart-to-heart, face-to-face talk is crucial.

I've learnt that I cannot be too submissive.

I've learnt that I must know myself better, in order to be better and better.

For that, I am thankful for the lesson and the experience. Though it still hurts, I strongly believe time will ease the pain. No, I don't hate him anymore. He's just another soul looking for love like I do. Like one of my friend said:"In any relationship, someone will get hurt.". Guess I am the unlucky one then.

Casting away all the fears and pain, letting go all the sadness and sorrow, I am gonna get over it and move on. Believing that tomorrow is a brighter and better day. I shall be strong. Please, keep me strong.

The following song is the song I keep listening and singing for the past few days. This song somehow manages to describe how I feel at this moment of my life. Beautiful song, really.

I heard that you're settled down,
That you found a girl and you're married now,
I heard that your dreams came true,
Guess she gave you things I didn't give to you,
Old friend, why are you so shy?
Ain't like you to hold back or hide from the light,

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited,
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it,
I had hoped you'd see my face,
And that you'd be reminded that for me it isn't over,

Nevermind, I'll find someone like you,
I wish nothing but the best for you, too,
Don't forget me, I beg,
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love,
But sometimes it hurts instead,"
Sometimes it lasts in love,
But sometimes it hurts instead, yeah,

You know how the time flies,
Only yesterday was the time of our lives,
We were born and raised in a summer haze,
Bound by the surprise of our glory days,

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited,
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it,
I had hoped you'd see my face,
And that you'd be reminded that for me it isn't over,

Nevermind, I'll find someone like you,
I wish nothing but the best for you, too,
Don't forget me, I beg,
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love,
But sometimes it hurts instead,"

Nothing compares,
No worries or cares,
Regrets and mistakes, they're memories made,
Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?

Nevermind, I'll find someone like you,
I wish nothing but the best for you,
Don't forget me, I beg,
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love,
But sometimes it hurts instead,"

Nevermind, I'll find someone like you,
I wish nothing but the best for you, too,
Don't forget me, I beg,
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love,
But sometimes it hurts instead,"
Sometimes it lasts in love,
But sometimes it hurts instead.

It's hard for me to say... Hi?

I didn't even have the gut to say Hi! What's wrong with me? I hate myself.



I think I am beginning to lose my people skill and slowly become anti social. I blame my job which requires me to work in office/home without the need to meet client or attend meeting regularly. Gradually, my people skill start to deteriorate and I can't even say Hi to a not-so-complete stranger. Yes, it is that serious!

Well, you see! I was at the gym as usual to attend my favourite gym class. Well there are reasons to why I call it my 'favourite' class. Part of it is of course, I love to dance. I am easily attracted to exercising which requires me to shake my bon bon and do some sexy moves. Another reason, is because the instructor is cute. Oh yay! So cute!


I forgot since when I know him. When I say know, in this case, I mean I know his existence. We're not friends (yet) and we've never talked before. But I can vividly remember it was about 3 to 4 years ago. Met him at the gym of course, he was teaching hip hop class I guess. And I was a fresh graduate who just got a gym membership trying to get use to the gym classes. So I attended his class a few times. But due to work and all, I rarely go gym that time. By the time I finished work, normally it's too late or I felt tired. So I wasted a lot on my gym membership then. Hahaha...

Anyway, I changed job and the fitness centre I joined opened a new branch near my house. I got to go to the gym more often nowadays. And what make things better is that my favourite instructor is conducting classes regularly there too. Expectedly, I try to attend his class as frequent as I can.



One day after finishing his class I went to the changing room to take shower and change. After taking shower, I went back to my locker, trying to put on my clothes. Then he, the cute instructor, walked towards me. I could feel my heart was racing. "Why is he walking towards me? He recognized me?" I kept asking stupid questions. He stopped besides me and unlock his locker. Oh, then I realized his locker was just beside me.

Minding my own business (putting on my clothes that was), I kept asking myself what should I do? Should I say Hi? Or should I not? What should I say? Hi? Hello? Or just smile? Or what? While busy figuring out the answers to my stupid questions, my eyes could not stop peeping at the cute instructor who was changing beside me. Of course I did not stare at him like a pervert. But yes, I did take a peek at his well-shaped body! I mean, come on, cute guy with a great body, who doesn't want a look (or appreciated)?



I didn't know what I was doing (luckily no drooling) and by the time I came back to my senses, I had already put on my clothes, packed up my gym bag and unwilling stepped away and got out of the changing room. Urgh, I hate myself. Then I told myself, next time if I got the chance, I should say Hi!

And the opportunity came again the following week, I was trying to made up my hair when he suddenly came out of nowhere and took up the hair-dryer beside me to dry his hair. I was so shocked and panicked that I quickly got my hair done, packed up my gym bag and stepped out of the changing room as if I saw an alien. I immediately regretted after that.

Seriously, he is just a cute instructor who I was trying to befriend with and yet I can be so freaking shy and panicked that I cannot keep my cool and act normal. I can already imagine when I see a cute hot guy and/or a potential boyfriend kinda guy, I think I would run away or jump into the sea before they could approach me.



And you ask me why I am still single?

My Kind of Midlife Crisis

Still remember I posted a status message on Facebook that read something like this :"Mid-life crisis?!"

Yes it was a question mark. Because I am not so sure. What is midlife crisis actually? Where you are getting old and have lotsa problems? Problems like struggling to take care of your parents whose health are obviously deteriorating and also the children who are growing faster than you thought and all the troubles they would bring. And yet, you find yourself pathetically struggling with your own life with your own problems without much achievement to prove yourself your are doing fine.

Oh well, if that is midlife crisis, then yes I would say I am almost there. Of course, being gay and still single, I don't have any children to worry over (which probably save me from most of the troubles already, as you would think). But unfortunately, not having children does give you some other troubles. The pressure from relatives and friends asking where is "the other half"? I could not always give the same answer like "still haven't found the right one", as they would enthusiastically introduce some fair maiden to match you up with. Luckily I have not come into those situation yet. But of course a lot of friends really offer me that kind of "match making service" which I kindly (some not very kindly) declined.

Of course that's not all. Since I am not dating, oh hold on, there's nothing to do with me dating or not. Because if I were to date someone, I think I couldn't let my parents nor my family know (as long as I am still hiding in the closet). Anyway, since I am not dating, I somehow ended up being the guardian angel of the parents. The duty of taking care of my parents fall heavily on my shoulder. Not that my siblings don't take care of them, but they could easily get away with reasons like "I need to go accompany my girlfriend" or "I need to go shopping with the hubby" and off they go. Not that I can't do the same, but being with my parents most of the time, I saw the sadness in their eyes when they know that their children couldn't spend some times to be with them.

So, being the single one, I have got to accompany them and keep them happy. And with my parents getting old, I can only see things are gonna be more difficult. For example, recently my mom accidentally slipped and fell down on the floor and hurt her right arms. She couldn't do most of her daily house chores as she is right-handed person. Being the one who work from home, I have to witness daily how she struggled to use her left arm instead to do all the work. Sometime she forgot and she use her right arm which make her feel apain. Even though now her right arms is getting better now, she will still feel a little sore when she use her right arms to do heavy work or carry heavy thing. Then my father has got his own health problem also which I am way too lazy to type and explain it here. Anyway, the parents are getting old and they need more assistance in doing everything.

Enough about parents. Look at myself, so what have I achieved so far? Thankfully I still got a job with steady income. Got a car which I still need to pay up the monthly installment for the next few years. Basically I still have the basic necessity. But having friends invite me over to their wedding dinner or house warming doesn't help seriously.

I can't recall exactly how many wedding dinner I have attended in year 2010. I am sure they are more than 6! Not that I hate people getting married or what, I am happy for those friends who finally found their true love and step into the next stage of their life. But it is taxing when a few wedding dinner happened in the same month. Just in December 2010, I have 4 wedding invitations! It doesn't help when you were seated on a table with all of them are couples. "Oh you come alone? Didn't bring your girlfriend or wife? Oh you're still single? How come?" I normally just smiled. Little did they know that those questions are like knives stabbing in my heart. As if being gay is easy. Oh please don't make me go touch that topic.

And lately I was invited to attend some friend's house warming too. Oh the landed property, the designer-designed studio suite, good enough to question myself why am I still staying under the same roof with my parents! People works so many years and they finally get their own house. Me? Just a car. Perhaps I should not compare myself with others. But looking at the joy of them having their own sanctuary make me envy them a lot. Like A LOT!

Oh well, everyone has their own problems. Just need to be optimistic and get those problem resolved one by one. I don't know what lies ahead for me in year 2011. I hope it's a good year. At least I got myself a great gift for the new year - MacBook Pro! And this entry is written using my new toy. Expect more entries on my blog this year.

Happy New Year 2011 everyone!