"Hello, Mr!"

I guess I should be proud of myself for what I have just did this afternoon.

I'm getting wiser each day!

China Auntie : 先生你好！你会讲华语吗? (Hello, Mr! Do you know how to speak chinese?)

I just looked at her, said nothing, and shook my head pretending not to understand what the hell she was trying to say or ask. And then she left. And I continued walking towards my destination. Right after that, not only did I feel funny, I also felt proud of myself that I actually saved myself from getting into troubles.

Call me selfish, unkind, pathetic... or what-so-ever. I don't think I want to be cheated or fooled again. "You're very lucky" certainly taught me not to be so kind or friendly to anyone, especially stranger.

I'm not sure if I wrote this before in this blog, but I was asked for money many many times. Was it because my innocent and naive face? Or my friendly smile? Or my stupid dumb-ass look? I was always picked up by those "cheaters" and asked for money. It's either their wallet were stolen, or they ran out of money and needed to rush back to hometown. Some even try to get my number and promised to return the money.

Do I look rich?

I was stupid, really. Always sympathy. And I gave them some money. The funny thing is, they always ask for more. What the hell!?

So now I've learned. Ask me for money?! GO TO HELL!

That's why after the encounter with the China lady this afternoon, I whispered to myself:
“臭婆娘！跟老子要钱？门儿都没有！” (Bitch! Ask me for money? Don't ever think about it!)

Who's The Boss?

I've been working quite closely with my boss lately. Yes, quite closely. Closely.

Come closer!

Alright, not that close. But instead of just regularly check up and getting updates on what I have been doing, he asked me out... to attend a meeting with customer. Actually not only one, but a few meeting. I guess that must be something about my promotion recently. That I have to involve in the higher level of working environment. No longer the boring programmer who sat whole in the office dancing his fingers on the static keyboard. But to do some paper works as well. Writing formal emails, getting user requirement and stuff. Not that I haven't been doing that, but everything have to be more formal. Imagine email with bombastic signature?!

Climbing the ladder up up up!

Anyway, and so I thought I finally got the chance to escape the hellish world of programming or coding and fly higher into the heaven of no need to work like a cheap labour. But wait a minute, I guess I was wrong. Not only do I still have to do what I have been doing, I now also need to do extra works to help drafting out quotation, documenting, writing emails for confirmation of requirement, attending stupid and boring meetings and etc.

Yesterday I attended a meeting. And it was a three hours meeting!! Goodness, I think I sat in that chair until my bubble butt gone flat! Dammit! I thought my ass is the greatest asset! Anyway, despite the meeting start with the boring routine greeting and robotic discussion, later an interesting "auntie-like" lady joined the meeting who very much lighten up the dull meeting. This "auntie" was hilarious! I have to call her auntie because even though she is young, she behave and talk like auntie. Talk very fast yet nobody understand her. And the best part is she speak lousy english. Can't even pronounce properly a simple word like 'run'.

Don't speak!

Auntie-like lady : So I espek (expect) evlilan (everyone) to be lady (ready) by this week lo.
Chair-woman : (Frowning while listening attentively)
Auntie-like lady : And then we will lan(run) the ploglem(program) lo hor. If got ploblem(problem) we can stlet(straight)-away find people solve lo.
Member : huh?! What program?
Auntie-like lady : To estlek(extract) the data out ma. To put into ploduction (production). From development server to ploduction(production) server. If no one there how? So evilan(everyone) must lady(ready) la!

"Anyone lan(run) his hands over my body?!"

Seriously, everyone was frowning and disturbed. No offense, though. Her lousy english is still acceptable, but her bitchy way of talking, sorry la. I have to keep my distance from her. She would be the last person want to work with.

Another thing that really scares me about meeting was that you have to make decision there and then. My boss tends to throw me questions in the meeting as if testing my business knowledge and technical knowledge. And I have to come up with the right answer. Worse still, when he's trying to explain things to the customers, he tends to look at me to double check if whatever he explained to the customers are correct. And I have to keep nodding my head in agreement or finding a right way to correct him if he's mistaken something. Not that he is unsure. But technically I know the detail better than him. After all I am working on the system all these while and he's been involve in so many other projects.

Well, attending meeting is still OK. The worse part was after the meeting. I will have to remember what was discussed in the meeting and list out all the things that we should do. Well, I don't need to write the minutes, but to list down all the things that need to be done is more than enough to stress me up. Some clarification need to be made, and then have to follow up and get confirmation from the customers and bla bla bla... never easy.

Still have to work...

It was just yesterday that I attended a meeting. And today I received an email from the boss to come along with him to attend another meeting tomorrow morning! Well, he's the boss!

Checked, But Still Unsure 2 - The Sexless Man's Fear

Two weeks ago I went for a full body check. I thought I should, since the last time I have my body checked was two years ago.

Hmm... time to check.

I don't know if this happen to everyone or just me, but I was kinda worry and in fear to have my body checked wondering if I would have any deadly disease. To hell with high blood pressure or diabetes. Those seems to be nothing but some "normal" sickness everyone can get nowadays. Pessimistic, I know. But really, with cancers and AIDS and HIVs and STDs haunting me every now and then, it's like a judgment day when I went for my full body check-up.

In fact, having the doctor pulling a needles and inject into my arms to suck out my blood was not that horrible. Just a small little pain and it went away just a few seconds. What's more horrible was days after that... those days that we have to wait for the result. The waiting. Yes, the uncertainties... the what-ifs and maybes... haunting me nights and days.

Thanks to my working life which kept me busy all days. And I was so exhausted that most of the time I went home late and too tired to think about anything but to have a good night sleep. So when days passed by, I kinda forget. Not until yesterday when my mom told me that the check-up result report was sent to home. It somehow triggered the fear within me and the only thing I wanna do is to check the report!

Am I clean?

So I was home and have my report in hand. Gone through it. To my relieved, I am a healthy man! It seems that every items in the report indicate that I am in good shape and have nothing to worry. No high blood pressure, no bad cholesterol, good immune system and everything is just perfect. And then I realize one thing, the report did not have any report on the HIVs. Great! No HIV testing?! The most notorious and deadly virus on earth? No test on that?! I was quite pissed off! How can they not have that tested?

And so I wonder, isn't that a compulsory item in a full body check up? Or it very much depend on what kinda of full body check-up package you requested? Scary or not, I have to get myself tested on that. Not only because the naughty deeds I did few years back (and remained pathetically sex-less life after that till now), but also the possibility of getting the viruses anywhere like the toilet... sauna or steam room at the gym... unhygienic food... scary! Really! After all, I am a paranoia!

Oooh... I was naughty at time!

And so I was checked. But still unsure. Guess I'll have to have another round of test. Well, I need to have a peace of mind. So have you have yourself checked? Better do!

Queen Forever

I was tormented after watching the movie Elizabeth : The Golden Age. Not only because I hate Sir Walter (Clive Owen), the stupid pervertic and disloyal servant who seduced the queen yet made love with Besse ( the queen's most-trusted person), I was also suffocated with the idea of becoming the queen holding great responsibility and many many scarification that she needs to make. At the end of the movie, I almost find myself hard to breath, even though the director managed to show us how noble the queen is.

Men or women would fall on their knees...

Well, it took awhile for me to calm myself down and to acknowledge that it's just a movie.

To really think about it, I can pretty much relate myself to the queen. Of course I am not holding great responsibility as she was. But certainly, growing up with more responsibilities being put on your shoulder, I could already feel the tense and burden that I have to carry from now onwards. And about love life, it's like almost impossible for the queen. Even though she really likes someone, she still needs to keep up her dignity and not to fall too deeply in love. Secretly, she fantasize about dancing with the man she loves. And me, as a gay man, is having exactly the same problem. No wonder, we people are called the queen, sometime.

Already a queen.

It's sad really. No matter how noble the queen can be, whatever mighty freedom she possess, I don't think I want to be like her. Life's already hard enough. But I already can see my life is almost like a queen. I'm gonna be single, childlesss... who will serve only the country... and forever a queen.

Random Hotness!

Tell me who's that hot hunk doing Mariah's hair?



Those arms... that chest... that bulge... Now you tell me, how can I not have dirty mind?

"You're Very Lucky!"

I thought I would be smart enough to not fall into the entrapment. But I, once again, been fooled! Call me stupid, I have to nod my head in agreement.

Why am I that stupid?!

It happened when I tried to cross the road when I was on my way to KLCC. Then I heard someone said :"You're really lucky!" Not sure if the person who said that was actually saying it to me, I turned around and saw this big-sized man who look friendly and decent. Well, he speaks good english and didn't seem harmful or unkind. And he was walking towards me when he saw me turned my head to look at him.

Pretty sure he was not trying to pick me up with flattery pick-up lines, I was actually more curious about why he said :"You're very lucky!" to me (well, by then I was sure he was saying that to me). So he started talking to me.

Big-Sized Man : Hi Sir! You're very lucky, man! By next month, you will have three happiness!
Me : (Smile) Why is that so?
Big-Sized Man : Well, even though you're frowning just now which pretty much show that you're having some problems or troubles now, I'm sure they'll all be gone by next month and you will get three happiness.
Me : Oh well, thanks then!
Big-Sized Man : Come, let me show you something. (Took out a small paper and a pen, writing down while he was saying) . In year 2006, 2007 and 2008 were not so good for you. But next month April, you know April, right? You will get three happiness.
Me : Yes, I know April.

I am your happiness!

He then passed me the paper with his writing about 2007 and 2008 bla bla bla... squeezed it and put into my hand. Then he took out another paper and asked me.

Big-Sized Man : Tell me, what's your favourite flower. Any flower.
Me : Err... ok, how about rose?
Big-Sized Man : OK, of all the flower you chose rose. Meaning you will get love. It's either love for God, for family or your loved one. (He then wrote 'rose' on the new piece of paper he had in his hand.
Big-Sized Man : OK, try to blow the piece of paper in your hand.
Me : OK. (Feeling weird, I still did as I was told)
Big-Sized Man : OK, open up and see.

Surprisingly, the piece of paper in my hand no longer has any words except 'rose'. He then brought out a small bag.

Big-Sized Man : Now with a happy heart, please put some money into the bag. Big money, please!

Feeling cheated, I don't think I would ever reject his request by then but I thought, well, at least he deserve some money for the trick he did. Beside, I was a little impressed by the trick. So I took out RM10 which I thought was a pretty "BIG MONEY" for him. After putting the ten ringgit note in the bag, he actually requested for more.

Now that really pissed me off. However, since I didn't want to get into any trouble (as he is really big-sized), I pulled out another RM 5 from my wallet. By then he saw there was still some RM 10 in my wallet and he actually requested me to give him more 10 ringgit notes instead. That's too much. I straight-away said I can't give him that much. So he accepted another RM 5 for me. As quickly as possible, he disappeared leaving me standing there still feeling stupid and foolish.

Just like that, I stupidly gave away RM15 to a total stranger for a little stupid trick he did for me.

Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!

And then I thought about what he said :"You're very lucky!".

Lucky my ass! For some moment I'm really pissed. Then I told myself maybe I owed him that RM15 in my previous life and it's time for me to repay. If that's not the case, I cursed him will lost RM15,0000000..... to me! Yes, I am that fucking evil. Who said I am kind?!

Checked, But Still Unsure

One of the jobs that I am very weak at is doing checking - Checking data, especially.

Check me out, instead!

Having data spreading all over the spreadsheet, want me to check the correctness of the data record by record, that is killing me!And it's not like 1 or 2 records, nor 100 or 200 records. They are 100,000++ records!!! Want me to check line by line (record by record) is fucking-obviously impossible. So I need to use SQL statement (some database language) to instruct the computer to check for me.

However, computer is stupid. (Oops, I just said that!) Yes, it is so stupid that they most of the time are not intelligent to interpret our instruction correctly. Missed out one line of instruction and you will get some other unwanted result. Damn, you will need to verify again your own instruction, amend it and instruct the computer to do the thing you want it to do again.

Do as I said or I'll do you good!

Even though computer does help me to check and filter out those invalid data, I am still not confident that all those invalid data are filtered out. I will need to do some random checking again to ensure the best result. Again, having 100,000++ records of data, I think having error is almost inescapable. That's what I hate. You know, boss expect 100% clean data. And even though I check over and over again, I can never be sure that some invalid data here or there, or I missed checking out this part or that part. That's always a trap!

Being a perfectionist, it really stressed me out to have to check the thousands of data over and over again. It's a very tedious job, really! Each time an error was found, I feel like being stabbed right into the heart instantly. It's even worse when you think that everything is ok, delivered the "clean data" to customer, but then the output was rejected by them due to some missed checking. In that case, not only a few tight slaps at the face, the evil questioning stare from the boss would have sent a damned cold shiver to my spine, and I would be looking for any possible hole to hide in.

Let it go...

Anyway, I have tried my best. Am I sure everything has been checked with no mistake? No! To hell if there's still mistake or error. I have to admit I'm no perfect. Damn, even the computer is stupid!

Bursting Volcano

Looking into the mirror this morning when I went into the gent washing my hand after "paying water bill". I was shocked to find out that my face is full with pimples! Instead of making me more youthful or rugged, they make me so much uglier! Urgh! Hate it!

I'm more than just a pretty face!

I can blame no one, but myself. Been eating a lot of hot stuff these days. Yes, nasi lemak almost everyday for breakfast, lunch with chillies, dinner at the mamak stalls. It's predictable that my body is burning in heat with those hot stuff. Eventually these "hotness" need to find a way out. And they obviously choose to come out from my face! So face is full with volcano which might burst anytime.

Not only my diet cause me with so much facial problem. My lack of sleep and the level of stress also contribute a lot in creating more volcano on my face. Not sure if the testosterone actually play any role in causing the volcano to burst. But I doubt so. Because my hands are naughty. Always play around with the pimples and sometime even pinch them to make them burst. I know I shouldn't do that, but as I said, my hands are naughty.

Sexy Face!

No use using expensive branded facial foam, scrub, toner or moisturizer. My face is a total disaster now. I think I should ban myself from taking chillies and fried food. Perhaps taking only bread for breakfast and mixed vegetables with rice for lunch and soup with noodle for dinner. That would certainly help, I guess. Of course, lots of fruits and water will help too. Gosh, I can't even remember the last time I ate fruit. Hmmm... must be one of the reason.

Still looking good!

I should start take care of my face. Ain't gonna scare my customers away with my face full with bursting volcano.

Still Single

Been obsessed with Mariah's songs again since she released her latest single "Touch My Body" with that sexy and hilarious music video that I could watch it over and over again without feeling bored or sick of it. I can't even help but to sing along "Touch my body, put me on the floor, wrestle me around, play with me some more..."

Play with me some more.

Anyway, I was there in the new house of some relative. She was having house warming. Yes, not a very close relative. A relative who relate to my mother. I think is my mom's cousin. Well, not that I really care. I was just there to be there as a family.

Thank goodness some relatives I know were there. At least I could talk to someone familiar instead of being stared by the others as if I am an alien from Mars. However, the thing that annoyed me was someone pop that question again!

Cousin : So, you don't plan to have any girlfriend, do you?
Me : Yeah, guess I'll end up alone for the rest of my life.
Cousin : But you're good-looking. Shouldn't be any problem to have a girl-friend!
Me : Well, that's the problem! I have too many girl-friends. And I am being very choosy.
Cousin : Come on. Just pick one!
Me : I'll see if I can really do that! But I am thinking about picking up a guy. More challenging, I guess! LOL...
Cousin : ...

Be my boyfriend, will ya?!

Seriously, I thought I'd escaped from those question after Chinese New Year. But now it seem that even normal event, I will be thrown with that "Why are you still single?" question.

The funny thing is that, I also noticed that sometime when I see my old friends from school, I would ask them the same question too. Whether or not they have a partner. If not, why are they still single et cetera. Although some of the answers are expected, I just nonchalantly ask them as if it's a norm. Most of us certainly do think that when a human reached certain age, we should have a partner and ready to start a family.

But the sad thing is I guess I've reached that age and still remain single. Does that make me a loser? A failure? Or weird? I don't know. But that certainly makes people wonder.

So what I'm single?! Shut up and fuck off!

I have been thinking to really find a boyfriend. But that sound so pathetic. Or even worse, sound so desperate. I always think that love will come when it should come. But it seem that to be among the straight men (and women) won't get me anywhere to really find "The One".

Oh don't tell me to find friends online. I don't trust internet. Putting profile on the net is so NOT what I wanna do. Even though I know the chance of getting to know people like us is SO MUCH higher with sites like Fridae, Axcest... you name it. But I am just not the type of person who is OUT AND LOUD. Being known as a homosexual to the world is the last thing I wanna do, at least for now.

Besides, most of them online were just desperate to look for sex or one night stand. No offense! Maybe you're not that kind of person. But I have tried and I think at least 80% of them who chatted with me on the net actually requested to have a one night stand or being a fuck buddy.

Wanna fuck?!

Not only that, I am still waiting for a chance to really know my crush before I really leave him behind and get into a relationship.You know, he's still the Mr. Perfect for me and I'm dying to get to know more about him. Unfortunately, I hardly use KTM these days to go home and have no luck to stumble upon him in the train station.

I guess that's love at first sight. Sadly, it's just me secretly admiring him not knowing even if he's into guys like me. But I am still waiting. Not sure waiting for what. Or maybe waiting for someone better? Or maybe a chance to finally know him more. Like he's a friend of my friend? And we're introduced by our friend to each other? Or maybe he just started talking to me out of nowhere? Pathetic, huh?! I know but I just can't help it. Or perhaps it's just an excuse for me to not fall in love? Or I'm just not ready.

Are you the one?

"I finally found somebody who could be the one... but I've promised myself that I won't give in to love... And I'm scared, and I'm nervous... don't wanna be hurt anymore.... this is bad ... 'cause I know that you're the one!" ~ The One by Mariah Carey

And always in the end, I would tell myself that it is not so bad to be single. At least I don't have so much commitment and that I can love myself fully. In fact, I don't even really know how to love somebody, for I've never been in a relationship before.