"I'm scared... so afraid to show I care...Will he think me weak... if I tremble when I speak..."
No no no! That's not what I am scared of. Anyway, guess what song that is?! It's one of my favourite song sung by two legends.
OK, back to the topic, yeah I think I am a paranoid. I have this fear that stays with me for quite some times already since my depression two years back. And having this fear and worry have kept me away from a lot of things that I wanted to try to do.
Yes, I am not sure if it is a fear or just something that I am over-worried. So what it is actually? It's about hygiene and cleanliness. Yes, I am very typical with these things. Not because I am obsessed with cleanliness that even a slight dirt on the table will drive me crazy, but I am very worried to be infected with deadly disease such as HIV or AIDS.
So how serious my worry can be? Well I wash my hands regularly. Not that it is not good actually as it keeps me away from germs and bacterias. Yes, I know those germs and bacterias can be everywhere and eventually they will stick on my hands and any other part of my body without my knowledge. But germs and bacterias are not what I worry about actually. It's those deadly disease, again, HIV or AIDS virus!
Now, don't get me wrong! I am well-aware that HIV and AIDS can only be transmitted through blood or body fluids. Thus, those diseases most probably can only be transmitted through unprotected sex (even oral sex?) and blood transfusion. And that those virus will be dead when they're out of human body. (Am I right?! Correct me if I am wrong!).
Now, what am I worry about then?! I always have this worry that everywhere I touched like door knobs, the toilet, chairs at the mamak stalls... etc, will have those virus. Worse still when I find those places or those things (like door knobs or chairs) are sticky, I always imagine those fluids are human's sperm which contain the deadly virus.
And whenever I think about it, I felt very frustrated and will try every possible way to wash my hands or wherever my body that had come into contact with that thing. I hate to go mamak stall because those places are so unhygienic! I hate it when the door knobs (especially the toilet's door) is wet because I won't know whether it is purely water or cum stain from some horny perverts who desperately "released his tension" in the toilet without washing his hands. And it drive me crazy when I see spit on the floor due to "you know why now".
However, having this fear or worry have really make my life SO MUCH difficult! Not only did I have to wash my hands regularly. If makes me feel worse when I cannot feel my hands are clean enough and I keep washing until I have to convince myself that I had washed my hands and I should let go and stop worrying.
For two years now, it was really a torture back then. Now I am letting it go easier then before. I seriously have no idea how I lived for the past two years worrying over this things. And still am worrying. I remember a year back, I have myself check for S.T.D. and HIV for a few times within two months. Doctor is calling it the Obsessive Compulsive Disorder(OCD). I wonder what kind of treatment I should get? See a shrink?! The doctor said I should seek help from religion which I am and it does help a bit.
So, I wash my hands more often than others. I shower longer than others. And I need everything to be clean and not wet! Don't ever let me see fluids in white colour! Even something with water (even transparent with no colour) on it will make me think something stupid! I sometime laugh at myself for being a paranoid knowing that it is only my imagination that play trick with my mind. But after that, I will still worry and telling myself that better careful than sorry later.
And I keep worrying... everyday!