Being Mr. Imperfect

Yes, I guess I have successfully learn how to be the Mr. Imperfect. To hell with what other people think or say about me, but I am gonna be who I feel like I want to be. And you hear me right, I want to be the person I FEEL like I want to be.

That's the way I like it.

If you ask me if I am the person who I want to be? Certainly, the answer is no. I am someone who always wanted to be better, even though I don't think I am a perfectionist. I want to be good. Be successful. Bee the one who is looked up by people. Be better and better. No doubt I have seen a lot of good people with good attributes and personalities. And I thought I should learn to be like them. And that I should constantly improve myself and be that better person.

Hahaha... I was so innocent and naive.

I certainly tried hard to improve myself and really put a lot of efforts to force myself to change this and that. Be discipline. Be nice to others. Always help others. Talk softly and gently. Always put myself in others' shoes. And I guess at certain point of time, I suddenly feel sick of all those trying and pushing myself. So I gave up. Not really sure why, but I think I am tired of being someone good or flawless. It's funny why I would want to impress people while torturing myself last time.

I'm sick of all these shits.

So I stop being the Mr. Try-To-Be-Perfect. Not that I chose to be a bad person. But I certainly don't want to give too much hope and expectation to others anymore. Or I don't wanna be the goody-good person. It's hard really. Sick of working too hard to impress my boss. Sick of fake-smiling when that colleagues making fun of my works. Sick of pretending I am ok with certain things when I hate it. Sick of trying to be nice when you feel like wanting to bark at those stupid people who don't even know that they pissed you off. Sick of being betrayed. Sick of being too nice that people think you have hidden agenda.

Even sick of being gay. The fear, the uncertainties, the rejection, the disappointment... Now tell me why am I not a pessimist?

Life is a life-long battle-field.

Tired and exhausted. Enjoy life? I really gotta learn how.