John, O John!

Once again he impressed me with his live performance. I just can’t get enough of him. Oh yes, I am talking about John Barrowman!

Browsing through youtube, I unconsciously typed the ‘john barrowman’ in the search box to see if there is any new video clips of John Barrowman that I might have missed out. I love checking out live performance. MVs are nice, but I still prefer to watch live performance as it show an artist’s true talent and improvisation by the artist can be amazing!

So after clicking the Search button, a list of familiar video clips are listed. However, there is this one link caught my attention – John Barrowman – Before the Parade Passes By. I have never seen him singing that song. No doubt I like the song. One link lead to another, I finally got to see a clip, which really captured my heart. And the performance took my breath away.

It was a live performance during the Faenol Festival 2008 where John Barrowman sang a duet with another cute young man named Daniel Boys. This song was from the musical Chess - written by Björn Ulvaeus, Benny Andersson and Tim Rice. I don’t know much abour the musical Chess. But I guess this song is meant to be sung by two females. And this song was sung by Elaine Paige & Barbara Dickson. And John would like to make a twist on the song by singing this song with another man, Daniel Boys.

Who is Daniel Boys? He’s one of the participants of the London BBC reality show Any Dream Will Do. He didn’t win the competition, but that doesn’t matter. He’s a good performer and singer. Oh, what makes the whole thing interesting is that he is gay. Yeah, out and proud!

So imagine two gay men singing this song, simply F.A.N.T.A.S.T.I.C.!

I Know Him So Well – John Barrowman & Daniel Boys

Although Daniel’s voice is not as powerful as John’s, but watching them singing together is truly touching and breath-taking! And having this song being sung by two (gay) men giving me a another indescribable feelings and impacts. I just don’t know how to put them into words. I can keep watching and repeating this clip whole night and never feel bored.

And the following is my all-time-favourite song. I think no one sing this song better than John Barrowman!

I Am What I Am – John Barrowman

John had released a new album – “Music Music Music”, and the above two songs are included in his latest album!

I heart John Barrowman! And Daniel Boys is cute! So cute! And hot! And talented! And has hairy chest! And he is a British! And I am a ‘potato queen’! Did I just hint something?! :P

Previous Post about John Barrowman:
John Barrowman

Pakistani Hunk

Perhaps I should say something more delightful about my stay in Pakistan, despite all the bad experiences I have had. Sad, really. I guess it is all because I was on a business trip. Everything turns bad when it is related to work. Things would have been better if I were on a vacation trip to Pakistan, maybe.

Cast away all those negativities, let’s see what I have got.

Well, stealing some times out of my busy schedule, I followed my colleagues to the Sunday Market. Now, I am not a person who likes to go to the market. I hate the crowded place with people sweating. And we have to even squeeze with them to get from one place to another. Yucks! Even when I was in Malaysia, I always decline my mom’s ‘invitation’ to join her to ‘have a walk’ in the morning market.

Anyway, having the need to get away from work, I reluctantly joined my colleague to the Sunday market. As expected,the crowd, the sweat, the noise of bargains… just ‘great’!

However, something caught my attention there.

Isn't the guy in black hot?

How about this one?

Now now now… aren’t they look like a … cute couple? No?!

Well, besides Sunday Market, I did went to some other place like a shopping mall. Well, they do not have a great mall like Pavilion or Mid-valley in Malaysia. They just have a very small one, like Jaya Jusco, in Karachi.

And I found this in a Mall named The Forum.

Not clear enough?

Hot! Hot! Hot!  

Why suddenly I feel the urge to re-visit this mall again? Hmm… maybe not. I could find some hotter poster in Malaysia, can I?!

Through The Rain

I realized I have not blog about my stay in Karachi. In fact, I didn't really wanna think about it as it reminded me of those difficult days when I was really stressed and depressed. Those days were memories I didn't want to remember. Even after I came back to Malaysia, I was still greatly affected by the 'trauma' I suffered in Karachi. It's like the tormenting aftermath of a tragedy. I basically struggled, and am still struggling, to get myself back up and cast away those unnecessary worries and stresses.


So what happened? Not that I was dragged into a dark alley and being raped repeatedly by crazy rapist. Crap! Why am I even thought of that? In fact, Karachi seemed to be a safer place if compared to what were reported by the media. Of course, again, Malaysia is still a better place to live in. The point is, working on this project in Karachi is killing me. Not about the workloads, not about the long working hours, not even about how far away from home I was or how reluctant I was to masturbate in the luxury hotel room fearing that there might be hidden camera somewhere in the room. Thanks to those news about Edison Chan, Dr Chua and ... whatever. OK, sound ridiculous, but I was that worried. Never mind! But the main problem I suffered was because the people I was, and still am, working with.

First, my superior, or supervisor, whatever you call it. Of course, this is the first time we work together. He's this business manager kind of person, not a technical person. And he is used to being working alone. So he normally think on his own. And working for him was a night-mare! I did not understand him. Come on, he work things out in his head and he never tell me anything. How was I supposed to know what was he thinking or trying to do? And we were like not so close, as I am still very new to him, I have problem understanding him. And his quietness and emotionless face was scary sometime. Oh no, should be most of the time. So I always had to guess what was he thinking, what was he trying to do, what would be his next move? And it was TIRING!

Sometime when I tried to ask him something, he would frown and give me that kind of face like "What? That shouldn't be the way? You shouldn't do that? How stupid that is!?". And I would be de-motivated. And he hasn't really made any comment yet. Just that frown or the questioning look on his face, was good enough to make me think I was a big dumb useless fool! Yea, he was THAT good in bringing me down.



And of course, when he did make a comment, especially those bad ones, I would be totally defeated. Worse than being slapped on the face or being poured with cold water. Really! Of course, I understand he's being stressed also with all the decisions he had to make and to report to the unpredictable project manager above him. But at least he should not pour all the stresses on me too. Wasn't it better if we could share our problems and sort things out together?! Oh, I forgot, who was I to share things with him? He has many years of working experiences, and I am like what? 3 years plus experience? Undoubtedly, what he was thinking is just 'advance level', I am still at the beginner or intermediate level and I will never be good enough.

What make things worse was that I don't really have a personal time on my own there. You see we have to write daily report everyday to submit to the project manager. And for my team, I was assigned to do the report. Every day I have to wait for him to finish writing his report so I can compiled it with mine before I can submit to the project manager. And normally I have to wait till 11pm or 12am. Well, I could not blame him entirely on this because after work he has so many other more important things to think over and work on that writing report was just not his priority. So I normally have to wait till he send his report to me and then I could compile it and finally submit to the project manager. Thus, I slept late at night and have to wake up 6:30am in the morning.

And that's not all. Another thing would be the over-all team members. There are many teams in one project. Yea, and we did not mix around. You mind your own business and I mind mine. Too bad my team just didn't mix along well to the project manager's team. Not that we were against each other. But we just we just did not mix around. Again, my superior being quiet and think on his own kind of attitude, certainly not being understood by many people. And me, I have no choice but to stick with my superior and just being quiet like him.

And so in that kind of situation, I was really stressed out. Until I felt depressed. Un-motivated. No mood to work. And being scared of not being able to deliver whatever I should deliver. Under such over-stressing situation for over three weeks, I was basically 'de-formed'. Ye, mentally deformed. I would wake up in the morning fearing to face the world. At night I would cry myself to sleep wondering how would I go through the next day. And during the day I would feel nauseas and feel like wanna vomit as I was too worried and too anxious what's gonna happen next. In fact, I was very very down. So down that I could basically feel that I had problem lifting up my head to face anyone and that my forehead was always with the frown. Everyone knew I was stressed out, obviously.

Three weeks finally over and I could flyback to Malaysia. Undoubtedly I was excited about being able to get back to Malaysia. But am I very happy? Nope. Because this is not the end. I'll still have to stick with the same people, same team members, working on this same project. So when I reached KL, I still have the same problems. Waking up wondering how to face the world, cry myself to sleep for having to lead such stressful life. And going to work seems so not interesting anymore. I hate that. And I even got tired of hating such life.

It was until after more than a week in Malaysia, that I started to really sit myself down and re-think of my whole life. Figureing out the causes of me being stress, being down, and being worry over something I was not even sure what they were all about. And it took times for me to really stand back up. To find back my confidence by doing something I love to do and good at. And to start sharing my problems with the family and close friends. And yeah, they're being supportive. I am just lucky to have such a nice family members. They are truly supportive.

And now, I still have that little pressure from works which I think I still can manage and cope. I know I am getting happier each day. I need to be strong and not be defeated by those challenges thrown at my way. Perhaps, life had been too easy for me before. That's why I was easily swayed by this so-called 'tsunami' of my working life. I was drown a bit into the deep blue sea. But I am glad I am floating back on to the surface now. Swimming my way back to the shore. At least that's how I feel now.

Life may be challenging from now onwards. But I do really hope that this will make me stronger and wiser. I have to admit after this so-called "tragedic event" in my life, I could see myself change, better. I am more disciplined now. Knowing how to make target and achieve something in a day. And even find myself to be able to speak more frequently with my superior, by ignoring his facial expression and believe in what I am doing is right and I really am trying VERY hard to work. And his comment, regardless good or bad, will not bring me down.

Even better, I start to know what I like and dislike about what I do. I know myself better. And this will certainly help me to find my way to lead a better life.

Suffocated

I don't know what to do.

I am tired of worrying and being depressed. I am trying hard to get these unknown worries off my chest. What am I worrying? I can't even tell. It has somehow become a habit. A bad bad habit which is eating me up from inside. A bad bad habit which making me incapable of being happy.

Seriously, what am I worrying?

- I don't know how to do the work? No, I know how to do it. Just do not know where to start. So I just do whatever I can first.
- I don't have sufficient information to work on my documentation? Maybe, but I can request for those missing information through email.
- My superior will give me an unpleasant glare for not collecting important information? Well, I have tried my best and I can't collect the whole information within such a short period of time.
- You are not even sure about those information you have? Yes, but I can't be sure of everything since different people giving me different information and some of them are contradicting. I have limited experiences and knowledge to judge which is true and which is false.
- You may need to cover something out of your scope? Well, I can try my best to do it, but I can't guarantee it will be the best thing I can deliver as it is OUT of my scope!
- The superior is expecting something more than you can deliver? Yes. Apparently he has high expectation on me. Too high that it gives me pressure and tension.

So is that the root cause? That my boss has too high expectation on me? Hmm.. maybe it is. Any idea how should I go about this? Tell my boss I am not as capable as he thinks I am?

I wonder... how how how?!

Zemax SX - Shooting Power?

I have been feeling exhausted and restless. And being anxious and worrisome caused me having sleepless night. So I thought I should try taking the supplement I used to have back then, which promote good sleep and improve level of testosterone.


So I went to pharmacy and bought the supplement - Zemax. Trying to search for the familiar green box all over the shelf and I finally found it, which was located at the bottom of the shelf under the vitamin/supplement category. Last box! I quickly grab it and made the payment at the cashier counter.

When I got home, I took out the box again and realized that the box with somewhat different from the one I used to buy. And instead of just Zemax, I noticed the name is now Zemax SX. Worried, I immediately do some research online. Typing the words "Zemax SX" in the search box and press the google search button.

The listing appear and I randomly clicked a few links to read through. Here is one interesting from lelong.com and I quote :

****************************************************

ZEMAX SX : Increase Your SPERM VOLUME and MOTILITY

Have you always craved explosive ejaculation, the kind that allows you to release an enormous amount of semen whenever you ejaculate for your lover?

Have you always wanted to experience orgasms that were so powerful and long that you only ever dreamed about them? Well, this is possible, even achievable with Zemax SX.

Zemax SX has a specifically designed formula of volume and potency enhancing ingredients to increase the amount of your ejaculations and give you the most powerful orgasm you have ever experienced in the quickest, the safest, and the most effective way possible. In fact, because Zemax SX are created with all natural herbs in a GMP facility, you can be assured that you will not have any adverse side effects.

Read more

*******************Unquote**********************

I was like "Whoa!"

I only need to have a good night sleep and maybe boost up my testosterone level. But "Shooting Power" and increase sperm volume? Just not what I thought of.

What the hell...you bet I took two capsules before I head to sleep. Who doesn't want to 'shoot' like there's no tomorrow? LOL... Let's see if it really improve my "shooting power".

Anyway, just in case you're interested, this link sound more similar to the description provided in the supplement box.

Oh Daddy, Sing to Me!

When it comes to a hunk, with big arms and huge pecs, I definitely succumb to his irresistible masculinity. Not sure if it was because an auto-reflex of my hormone testosterone or I had been brain-washed before, that I will be physically attracted to hunky stud.

So when I come across hunk like these :



these,



and these,



... I cannot help but staring! And maybe drooling too...

Having all the time for myself during this holiday, I basically googling all the possible hunks I can find online. And then I come across this famous ex-gay porn star who is now singer : Colton Ford!

I first came across his sexy MVs and they caught my eyes, undoubtedly. I viewed the clips repeatedly and I found my feet tapping with the music as well. His George Michael-like voice kinda attracts me. And I spent almost one whole day to search online to look for his latest album : Tug of War. It was more like a electronic, disco like music album. I don't use to like disco or techno or rock music because I find them kinda noisy and too loud to my ears. Surprisingly, I like this album. Maybe this album is not that loud. And his sexy voice keep reminding me of his huge pecs and big arms. And my testosterone will start do his magic on me... and you know I will surrender... to his sexiness!

And guess what, I always have a soft-spot for someone more mature and older than me. But don't get me wrong! I am not into daddy type. I just feel more secure with someone who is mature in thinking and who can impress me with his vast knowledge and incredible charms. :P And look at this Colton Ford! Oh my oh my, though he is kinda not-so-young anymore, he is still VERY sexy! Look at the following photos!



I wonder how he keep fit?! Look at that, still physcially fit and huge and urgh... every inch of his muscle is lickable! What a waste of him quitting gay porn industry! And and his partner Blake Harper is HOT HOT HOT!!! Go find out yourself who is Blake Harper!



So let's check out his MVs :

Colton Ford - The Way You Love Me

I don't know why I find this MV turn me on. Maybe because of his open shirt! Damn, hot hot hot! He has another version of MV for this song as follow:

Colton Ford - The Way You Love Me (Blue Door Edit)


Ain't it HOT?! He can sing half naked all through the MV and it's all good enough! I am sure it will be explosive if he were to sing while stripping! :P

Oh and the following is one of my favourite songs in the album:

Colton Ford feat. Cazwell - That's Me (Explicit Version)


Another cool MV for your viewing pleasure!

Colton Ford - Tug of War


So what do you think? Hot, right?! How can I resist such hot dad?! In fact, despite some not-so-good review from others about his music, I personally think some songs in his latest album are quite good. After all, it's his first album. I would say he has done a pretty good job. You bet I have his latest album, Tug Of War, listed in my favourite albums.

26

Such a weird number! Oh well, like it or not, that's the number of years I have been living in this world. So who has I become? What have I achieved? Nothing!

There's a little different this year. Last night, my friends asked me out and had non-alcoholic drink at the Laundry, The Curve. Just a normal chatting. They bought a slice of cake and we ran the small 'cake cutting ceremony', make a wish and blew the candle. It was simple and nice. Just nice. Then we talked and talked. But everyone was tired. They had been hanging out whole day. So we went home and rest. Oh well, at least I've got a small, sweet and nice birthday celebration. Better than stay home, I guess. At least, as I mentioned, there's something different this year.

Oh I have to write this down. I saw my crush in Pavilion yesterday! He looked so fine! And I think he bulk up a little. Yummy! He must have gone to the gym a lot and work out these days. Oh those big arms! I could melt in his embrace. He was waiting for someone, I guess. Coz I saw him looking around as if searching for somebody. I hope he's not waiting for his loved one. Coz I wish to be his loved-one. :p

I should've walked up and say hi. But I was with my parents and cousins. Not a good moment for that. Shit! Anyway, seeing him is good enough to make my day. Especially when he is still looking so good, even better and hotter! Ahhh... I can dream of him night and day!

And today, my big day, I spent the whole day at home! Just what I need! And I enjoyed you-tubing! Figured out a lot of interesting clips and watched some nice MV. From checking out Marco Blaze, to Colton Ford's MVs, to OZ's homo-erotic scenes, until some unknown hunks clips. Basically a great hunky feast. Good for my eyes!

Wonder how this year is gonna be. I hope everything will turn out better and better. My wish for this year? That would be too many. But I think I should really consider searching for my prince charming.

I was 25... going on 26!

Can't Help Being Stressed

I think I am over-stressed.

I keep worry about my works. My supervisor had assigned me some homework to do during the Chinese New Year. Sucks, I know! Oh well, I still have to do it anyway. It's about some documentation that I need to do. Putting down all those user-requirement into words and document them. Not an easy task, I would say. Especially when I did not really perform well during my stay in Karachi as I was not really prepared and I was sick like hell, due to food poisoning.

So since I could not collect sufficient information, how am I going to document them? And who can I to blame, but myself?!

So these days every day I wake up I scratch my head wondering how am I going to do this homework of mine. Undoubtedly, it had obviously spoil my Chinese New Year mood. And I hate it. I hate worry over my works during this festive season. And everybody is enjoying the holiday! And that make me feel even more worse!

So I had decided, I will try my best and document them down and submit to my supervisor before the first day of Chinese New Year. So I did, scratching my head, going through those few notes I jotted down during my discussion with the customers, and trying to remember what they said. I managed to come out with something. But not very impressive, I would say. Some of them I would say are pieces of shits. But that's all I could produce.

And suddenly I feel like I'm a piece of shit as well!

I closed my eyes, telling myself I had done my best. I put all those documents I produced in a folder and zip it up. Wrote an email and attached the zip file and sent it to my supervisor. Right before the first day of Chinese New Year.

Relieved? Not entirely. I still feel like I am doing a shoddy work. But I already did my best. What more I can do? I keep asking myself this questions. Part of me keep saying I did my best; Another part of me keep saying that there's more that I can do to make things better.

I am tired of this mental battle, or mental fight within myself. Maybe I should just forget all these troubles or problems for this holiday and start worry again when I get back to work.

But I can never stop worry! And that kills me! Fuck!

Some Bad Days

You see I have been surrounded by negativities since months ago. Ever since I started to work in the new office, back to the old office, working on another project and now working in Karachi, I have heard many complaints and gripes from colleagues. Surprisingly, even the boss also made a few complaints and shared it with us.

I doubt this will do me any good if this continue to happen.

Well, as the old saying :"If you can't defeat them, then you join them!". So I joined them. Complaining this and that and agree with whatever they are complaining, in hope that this will keep me alive in their group and be part of their 'family'. Oh, as if I have a choice, they are the only family I have now, when I am working in Karachi.

It's really disappointing that all my plans and expectations has been destroyed day by day when I reached Karachi. I thought I could enjoy working a 9 to 5 working hours and after that I could really enjoy myself in the luxurious 5 stars hotel enjoying the jacuzzi, the 100 over satellite TV channels, the gymnasium facilities, and even go sight-seeing and capture some good scenes got my blogging at night. I had that dream!

Too bad my dream didn't come true!

9 to 5 working hours? My ass! I basically have to wake up every morning around 6am and check my mails. Get myself ready including that hot shower and packing up my notebooks and fill up the bags with at least two mineral water! The weather in Karachi is cold but dry. I even have broken lips for the first few days which totally spoil my good mood! Thank to whatever up above I managed to get a lip-gloss which save me for the following days till now.

Oh where was I? Oh yeah, 9 to 5!? We had breakfast together around 8am and 830am have to be ready to be sent to the head office and start the meeting. Alright, I'll save my gripes later in this blog for how fucking annoying during work time. I'll skip it for now and talk about the time. So we end hour work at 5pm, and we have to gather at a training centre to do have a meeting to share our work experiences and discoveries of the day. Not that I am against the ideas of doing sharing, but what they shared are mostly unrelated to my area. Though I enjoyed some good laugh of those funny stories they shared during the review meeting, that hours are wasted for me.

After the meeting, which normally ends around 7pm++, we'll be sent back to the hotel. Then we'll have to decided where to have dinner. Another waste of time to determine where to dine. Then I'll have to hear complaints and gripes of the day through-out the dinner time. By the time we reach back hotel, it will be like 9pm++. Then I'll have to wash up, took shower and get myself out of the 'dust'. Yes, Karachi air is pretty polluted, in my opinion. After that, you think I can take my rest? NO WAY! I have to write meeting minutes for the day!

You see, I like to write minute if I know and understand what everybody is talking about. No offense but some people here are so good in speaking that they speak very fast with their local accent which I don't really understand. And they thought I am so good in listening and I suspect they even thought I am a professional meeting recorder that I can basically write doen each and every word they spoke. Too bad I may have deceived them with my book-nerd-like look! Oh well, I still have to complete the meeting minute no matter what and let my supervisor review before send it out to the project manageer for final review. Such a stressful work!

Only at about 11pm++ that I got to climb into my bed and start to press the TV remote control and start to watch some programs. And by the time I found my favourite channel, within the next few seconds, I already dozzed off! Fuck!

The next day will be the same old thing!

And talk about my work. I am basically here in Karachi to collect user-requirement. So I need to do a lot of interview and talk and talk and request and request more information from the user. I was allocated in the data communication conference room, together with some of my colleagues. It was a stuffy room with many computers inside. So there was this old man, who I believe is one of the top management guy, like to smoke in the room! Hey! He fucking smoke in a stuff room with air-cond on! What the hell is he thinking?! I don't really hate smokers so much before this as I don't mind other people business. But this old man really had pissed me off! It is an air-cond room for goodness sake and the room is quite stuffy already! Yet, he still without any hesitation took out the cigeratte and fucking smoke in front of us like nobody's business!

If I am not mistaken, he smoked at least 3 cigeratte per day! Imagine every day I have to be the second-hand smoker! I can imagine my lungs are now in black colour! I guess no one dare to say anything or raise an issue on that fella as he is one of the top management guy. But, again, he is not being civilized! He doesn't care about his health doesn't mean that he can spoil our health!

Expectedly, I had flu and terrible sore-throat for the next few days. See when you are sick, you can't really enjoy whatever there is for you to enjoy! Food is tasteless. Weather is cold! No matter how luxurious the hotel room is, you basically just feel numb and wish to recover from that annoying sore-throat and running nose.



And for now, I really miss Malaysia! Looking forward to go home soon next week!

P/S : It's amazing I can even write this lengthy post! Please excuse my grammer mistakes and typo error! :p

I Will Love Him From Afar

There has not been a single day I live by without having a thought of him. It may be just for a second, but it's all good enough to bring smile on my face. And it's all good enough to just think about him, even just for a second, all my worries and stresses will be left behind.

But I think I'll have to start putting down all my feelings for him. Either hide it somewhere deep down inside, or just simply get rid of it. I guess he's just not into me.

We were there in The Garden with a bunch of friends. Lazy to queue up with other crowd at the Midvalley, we actually decided to sacrifice more money and bought the Gold Class ticket at the Garden to catch a movie - BOLT. Funny how the seat in the cinema seem to be all twin seat. And given the chance, or simply lucky, we were seated together side by side again. Just that this time, it's all a little different. He seemed to keep sitting away from me. Not sure if it's because I scared him off or simply not wanting to create any suspicion to those friends who were sitting behind us. So we ended up sitting away from each other at the other end, in the twin seat. Yea, awkward as it may sound. Though occasionally we laughed out loud at the obviously funny movie, this time however, I did not really enjoy the movie.

I blame on the expectation I have from him. Like we would giggled together. He would asked me more questions. We would feel comfy sitting together. Damn those stupid expectation. And I hate myself for that.

After the movie, we went out of the cinema and he was like walking so far in front of us. Not sure if he was rushing to his next destination or simply wanna get rid of me. Whatever it is, I'll just take it as a sign of "The end". That's it. I waved everyone goodbye as the others still need to stay around and do shopping or whatever.

I passed over the bridge of The Garden and Midvalley Mall. Looking through the glass window, it was raining outside. Sudden sadness appears within my heart. I kept walking. Passing by many many people I don't know. Searching for the way out of the mall, as if I was searching the way out of this valley of sorrow. Yea, I eventually was out of the mall. I caught the ktm train. Got on board. And let the train took me where I belong.

On the way back home, I don't really know what I feel. But instinct told me this has got to come to an end. Perhaps I am lucky I didn't fall too deep yet. And maybe this is for the best for both of us. The truth and funny thing is, I don't even know if he is really into guys. Hahaha... look at how pathetic I am.

Whatever it is, I have decided from now on, I'll cast my feelings for him aside. I think we're better as friends. Yea, he's a good friend. Ain't gonna ruin it by trying to ask for more from him. Things are good the way it is now.

If I really love him so, then I guess I should just love him from afar...

If He Loves Me

He* was there, with me
Sitting beside me in the car
While I was driving
How I wish I could just look at him
For as long as I could
How sweet and gentle he could be

He was there, with me
Sitting beside me in a class
While we were listening to the lecturer
How I wish I could just look at him
For as long as I could
How attentive and dedicated he could be

He was there, with me
Sitting beside me at the dining table
While we were chatting and eating
How I wish I could just look at him
For as long as I could
How adorable and funny he could be

He was there, with me
Sitting beside me in the concert hall
While we were appreciating the beauty of music
How I wish I could just look at him
For as long as I could
How wonderful and amazing he could be

If he loves me
Then let him take my hands
If he loves me
Then let me fall into his embrace
If he loves me
Then let him say my name
If he loves me
I'll be the happiest man

That's if he loves me...

Random thought of a Bachelor

I don't think I can be a good boyfriend. Yeah, I don't think I'll ever be one good partner. You see, I gripe too much. Complain too much! Especially these days when I have been stressed up with works and the only thing I could do is still working... and of course release my tension by griping.

Then at some point, I thought, if I were to have a boyfriend, he would have to listen to me griping all day long. And I tell you, it is not the end of stories. I can gripe all over again at the same topic, same problem, same issue and not get enough of it. I guess I am just being cynical. Luckily I have no boyfriend now (what kind of statement is this?), else he would have to find some ways to shut my big mouth up!

Anyway, back to being a good boyfriend or partner, I suddenly think I am not ready. Or maybe there's no such thing whether we are ready or not to get into a relationship. Some said when love comes, you can't run away. So just accept it and let love leads the way. Yet I'm afraid. Not sure of what. Looking at friends and colleagues around me, a lot of compromises and efforts need to be made to sustain a good relationship. There are good times and bad times. And the thought of later on having to form a family follow by more commitment and responsibilities scare me off.

You see, I have always been alone. Both my siblings have got their boyfriend/girlfriend. It's nice to see that they always have someone to look for when they're happy or sad. And there'll always be someone to talk to or hang around when they're free. But there's always some not-so-nice thing like taking care of the partner's feeling, making time for them, listen to their gripes when they have problems and so on. And me always find myself free from such trouble. Being a lone-ranger, I just do what I want when I want and how I want. No need to consider extra thing like whether this will make my boyfriend happy and should I bring him in too etc.

My sister lately told me she's impressed by me, on the fact that I can live life alone. Not that she could not, for she is quite an independent lady herself. Maybe she has got used to the fact that there'll always be someone there when she needs him. You see, I'm not so proud of being complimented about able to live a life, because I could not. No one is an island. But I must admit that being single has its certain advantages, like maybe some freedom.

But it is sad really when you need someone to just be beside you, and maybe talk to you a little... yet there's nobody there. Like last Friday, after a long stressing weeks of working, I thought I could find someone to just hang out and chill on a friday night. I didn't want to go home just yet to face that lifeless wall. Of course I can just give some friends a call and maybe they might or might not just be there for me. But then I thought maybe I shouldn't bother them as KL was having terrible traffic congestion and it was raining/drizzling.

So there I was standing in front of my office building, wondering if I should stay in KL go shopping, watching movie alone, or just go for dinner alone? I stood there for almost 20 minutes. Yes, 20 minutes! All the passer-by must have wondering what was that freak doing, standing there doing nothing. Finding myself pathetic, I finally dragged myself back into the parking lot and drove home.

Christmas songs were playing while I was driving. And I was feeling hungry and... lonely(I hate to say this but... well I said it). I then stopped at a nice cosy cafe near my house, ordered myself dinner. With my stomach-filled, the restlessness disappeared. With the light music playing at the background and the ever romantic yellowish lights, I just sat there and enjoyed the drizzling rain. Cool and cosy.

* I am inspired to write this post after watching the movies "Never Been Kissed" & "The Nanny Diaries" which were shown in Astro HBO Channel this afternoon. Chic-flicks always make me wanna have a boyfriend! Dammit!

Frustrated

Frustrated.

I was assigned the most difficult tasks because I am the senior.

I am using an ancient programming language which I am not familiar to perform some enhancement on the system. And the due date is just around the corner.

The fresh grad who sit beside me doesn't help at all. I already am short of time to finish my assignment, yet I am expected to guide him to finish his assignment. In the end, both of us couldn't deliver on the target date. And the next assignment coming in. Another dateline is given. So we have to complete the first assignment and also the next assignment. And I am trying to meet the target date this time. Yet again, the junior beside me doesn't help. He is still struggling with his first assignment and the second deadline is just around the corner. =_='''

I have another 3 assignments to be completed before mid December. And I must complete all assignment by then. Else, I'll not be able to join the next big project which will bring more opportunities to me. And looking at the tasks I have in hands... I am not sure if I could finish them all in time.

Frustrated.

Facial Treatment

It was just a stupid suggestion which I unintentionally blurted out during our morning breakfast conversation the other day with my mother and sister :

"Hmm... mommy! I think I should go do facial! Nowadays always find my face very oily and irritating."

To my surprise, she said yes I should go for a facial treatment and even suggested the treatment centre which she has always been. Of course, that suggestion follows by a strings of how we should take care our face and that we should take care since we're young and bla bla bla... What shocked me the most was after that breakfast, we actually went to that facial centre right away to try our luck. Too bad the schedule was full that day and we had to make an appointment. So we did. And yes, I went for my first facial treatment yesterday.

I ain't gonna describe the whole process. But there are two main things worth mentioning here. First, is the facial massage. Mmm... I like it! Very de-stressing! The therapist applied some don't-know-what lotion or cream on my face and massaged my face repeatedly. It was just fantastic. Although it may be tickly for some part of the face, overall it's very comforting. And the therapist does know where to press on our face and it felt amazingly great. Love this to the max. How I wish the whole process was just this?! But no! There's always the good and the bad!

The bad part was of course when the therapist try to 'treat' your face! Oh yes, get rid of your black heads, pimples and all that dirty things off your face. Oh how innocent I was when I thought using the facial scrubs or something to wash our face will get rid of those dirty things?! No way! Apparently they reside so deep under the skin of our face that the therapist need to actually 'dig' or 'pinch' them out! And it was fucking painful! They have this tool (I have no idea how it looks like as my eyes were covered through-out the process.) which they use to press to get rid of whatever unwanted on my face. Sometime if the black-heads or whatever-dirty-stuff is too big and couldn't be pinched out, they actually use a needle or something similar to poke a hole on the face so that they would come out of the face! (At least that was what I felt! They use needle to poke my face! :-| )

You have no idea how tensed I was when they pinched, and pressed, and poked, and pressed, and pinch, and... painful painful painful! It was like being sent to hell for a while! Of course, after that, back to more creamy lotion and facial massage which I immediately felt like being saved from hell and been sent to heaven again! :D

The whole process took 2 hours! Unbelievable! Right after the treatment, I look into the mirror and saw nothing different actually. Still that 'scarred' face with a few black dots here and there. For one moment I told myself :"Cheh! So what!? Still the same old face!" But that night before I went to sleep, I went to wash my face. And when I touched my face, oh gosh, it was as smooth as the silk! So strange! And I actually admired my face for awhile! Oops! Self-indulgence! :P


Ahh... now I need to take care of my facial skin. I normally just wash my face with facial foam. Guess what, I have my facial foam, toner and moisturizer prepared in the toilet for my daily use. And my mom and sister even suggested that we should go do facial treatment every month. =_='''

To Change Or Not To Change

It has been a few weeks, or months, that I basically procrastinating in the office. Not because I don't have works to do. Well I have, but I just don't feel like doing them as there's no due date. And yes, that's the bad habit of mine. Always do things last minute. See, I even typed out this post during office hour when I am supposed to finish my works first.

And then lately the thought of hunting for a new job actually came across my mind. Quite shocking to me actually, because I normally won't simply think about changing job. Especially when I have just recently been transferred to a new team working for a new project. Then tonnes of question came into my mind:

Am I bored of my current job? Am I just seeking an easy way out to avoid working so hard? Am I escaping from something? Am I just tired of programming? Or is it something else?

Coincidentally, my current company's Public Relation or Communication/Marketing Manager has resigned and I believe, there should be a vacancy, eventhough I see no sign of the company hiring new staff to fill in the vacancy. I have talked to the manager, and she actually told me that I could be a potential candidate for the replacement. But I'll just have to take the initiative and talk to the boss about my interest in that position.

At the very same time, the Hotel where I coordinated the wedding for my friend recently is hiring staff for hotel event management. Guess I've impressed my friend so much that she actually think I should work there and recommended me to the event management staff in the Hotel. So now I'll just have to wait for the email to reach my mailbox and I can pick it up from there.

Honestly, I am interested in both opportunities. I have always been interested in dealing with customers. More fun and interesting. And to help provide service and satisfy the customers' needs make me feel happy and satisfied as well. (OK, I know you're giggling about me satisfy someone's need?! No?!) I guess I am a customer-driven person. Love to see their happy face knowing that it is because I have helped make their days!

But then again, a person from IT background to PR/Event management, it is such a huge change! I am not sure if that's a mistake?! Deep down inside, I know that I am not a technical person. I don't see myself being in IT field for the rest of my life. And I don't have this great passion in programming as well. So I guess that is one of the good reasons I should consider the opportunities I have in hand now? And then knowing the current economy situation, I am not sure if I am making a mistake to change job. Is it a risk worth taking?

And that's not all. There are a lot more concerns which I am just lazy to describe here. Hmm... Now I know, changing job isn't that easy! Perhaps I should just forget about changing job and stick to my current job. But the thought of sitting in front of the computer doing programming for another few years kills me!

I don't know... :p

The Wedding

If you still remember I was asked to be a wedding planner few months back. It's amazing how time flies and with just a glimpse of the eyes, the wedding has just passed me by. Oh, and it went very well, indeed.


Me being a wedding planner? No No No! I am just too inexperienced to be one. Come on, asking a person like me who is a programmer and not an event organizer to plan a wedding? A WEDDING? Stop pulling my legs, please! In fact, my friend who was the bride planned the whole wedding herself. So I ended up being her wedding coordinator. What's my job? My job is to make sure everything goes as planned. Yes, sound simple, right? Actually, it is NOT simple! NOT AT ALL!

A few weeks before the actual day, I was flooded with plans and plans. Contact person, agendas, emails for confirmation, hotel bookings, wines, flowers, decorations, CDs and all that jazz. It's like suddenly I have an extra job and have to perform multi-tasking. I even have to take one day off from work one day before the actual day to finalize the wedding plan with the bride and groom. Oh well, I admit I needed a reason to get away from work. :p

So the actual day went well. I was the Master of Ceremony who spoke mandarin during the wedding ceremony. Yeah, not only coordinating the whole event, has to be MC as well. I am telling you I did multi-tasking! What a good friend I am, heh?! Luckily no big catastrophe happened. Despite the rain which caused a small little chaos, everything went well.


Soon after the ceremony which was held in the afternoon, I went home to rest and prepare for the wedding dinner. Yeah, I have to be early at the Hotel to make sure everything was in order. Oh and tell you what, I was so amazed when I went into the wedding hall. The deco and setting is just beautiful! Ice-carving with the wedding photo inside and colourful light shone on it. I love the main VVIP table! Those roses, candles and settings... just perfect! Sorry I don't know how to describe. I am just bad at describing! :p I wish I took a photo of it but I was just too busy coordinating and going through my checklist. And I was so anxious because the lady with the "march in" song CD has not arrived yet! But she made it anyway so we could test the CD before the show was ON! Phew! *Sweat*

So basically I was running here and there through-out the dinner. Giving cue to the floor manager, making sure the music wasn't too loud and air-cond is working, giving cue to the MC to start the next item on the agenda, paying attention to the VVIP table to see if the bride or groom needed anything... busy busy busy! And I have to work with the floor manager from the Hotel to control the food serving, when to stop and when to resume.

Oh and that's not all. I also have to accompany the bride & groom with the family to do toasting from table to table. Yeah, chinese tradition. They really love to do this. With wine or liquor in their hands, starting from one table to another, they will screamed out loudly "Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaammmmm..................... Seng!" and the longer and louder they screamed, the better it is! Imagining going from one table to another table screaming at the top of our voice! And there are 20+ tables that night! It was fun though! :p

I went home that night feeling high and exhausted! And I couldn't sleep that night. Why? I caught cold, having terrible sore-throat and high fever. My throat was so pain that I couldn't lie on my bed to sleep. I switched off the fan and tried to cover myself with blanket so that I can sweat to release the heat from my body. But no sweat at all. And it was tormenting!! I was awake the whole night, watched a few drama series, and I ended up in the living room switching on TV watching "The Nanny" on Hallmark channel. It was till 7am that I managed to fall into sleep on the sofa in the living room. It was that bad!


Anyway, I really enjoyed helping out the wedding event. Part of it is because I learnt a lot from this. Meeting new people, organizing things, making sure everything is in order... it was fun. Another part of it is because I helped make my friend's to have a memorable and wonderful wedding event! I am just glad I'm able to help. In fact, I enjoyed the process. I am so ready to become a wedding planner for my sister! :D