Sunday, July 08, 2007

That thing call "Love"

After obsessing over my crush for a few days, I guess I should put a stop to all of these. Love is crazy. It makes you go nuts! It even makes us forget that "Love is blind!". I have been thinking of him every night before I sleep in hope that he will somehow, just for a moment, appear in my dream and, at least smile at me, or talk to me, or hold my hands, or... OK! OK! That's it! ~ The End ~

Get over it!

Last night I went out to have steamboat with my ex-colleagues. We haven't met each other for almost more than a year. We knew each other during my industrial training few years back and we do keep in touch once in awhile. Sometime we go KTV, some time we go steamboat, and sometime we just go out for a drink. We even went to Malacca for one day trip. We're not close friends. But we do enjoy each other's accompany.

And throughout our dinner, we mostly talk about this friend, a lady, S. She was having a fight with her current boyfriend. The bf is 6 or 7 years younger than him (yes she is around 30 y/o. Another evident proved that I mixed around with older people), which is working in the same company as her. Having to see him everyday is torturing for her, so she wanted to change company. I ain't talk much about the detail of their cats and dogs fight. But we did talk about us trying to fall in love.

For me, it is very hard to fall in love. I tends to think a lot. First and foremost, of course, I am gay. No, I don't shag, no ONS (even though I dream of it thousands of time, I just don't dare!). And I don't simply date anyone. Unless of course the one having the look like 'my recent crush', I wouldn't think too much to go for a date with him. And I have to highlight, go for a date doesn't mean I have fallen in love with him. My kind of date at this stage is the go out for a meal and get to know each other. You know what I mean!

So, being a gay in Malaysia is just too hard to fall in love, especially for closeted gay like me. No date means no chance to fall in love, which equals to no chance to have a boyfriend. Sometimes, I thought "to hell" with what it will be, just go out and look for a boyfriend. But how?! Go to the gay pub? gay club? gay saunas? Frankly, I personally do not think it is such a good place to look for a decent friend. Don't get me wrong! I am not saying that people there are bad boys, indecent fellas or what. But most of them go there is just to have a one time encounter and it's just not right to me. I believe there are good people there (at gay pubs, clubs etc) who are also trying to search for their soul mates. But I just do not dare to take the risks. So I really do not know how?!

"In this whole wide, I will find my love! Yes, I will!"

Sometimes, I just hope that I would stumble upon someone (a hunk) on the street and maybe I dropped something and we both trying to pick it up and he would accidentally touch my hand. In that instant of time, there's sparks between us... Or a cute guy in the train, I look at him and he look at me, and there's this chemistry there and we couldn't help but to smile at each other. Or a stud come up to me and said some impressive pick-up line. Or maybe a long-lost good-looking friend suddenly called up and said that he's interested in me. Oh, or even that crush I have recently suddenly walk up to me and said:"I know you've been stalking me. You need to stop doing that and start dating me, please!"

"Don't just look at me! Ask me out!"

Oh craps, I watched too many movies. It's just my imagination. I am such a desperate idiot!I can keep on dreaming and imagining. Create stories and visualizing in my head over and over again. I would even smile thinking about it. Perhaps, that's not so bad after all. Love, suddenly seems so far away.


coolgardy said...

If you dun try, u will never know what its like to fall in love out there and if u have already set conditions, worse still because u r constantly living up to those expectations and what u will get at the end of it, is more misery and self-pity!

Stop it, come out of it and be brave..we were not made to be cowards. Like learning how to ride a bicycle, u need to fall ya?

I've always had a soft spot for this movie, WHILE YOU WERE SLEEPING, hope you will watch it and be inspired by it...

Janvier said...

It's a balancing game, keeping both romantic notions and cynicism...but you'll never know when and where you'll stumble on love :D

savante said...

Romantic but unlikely to happen, my friend. Make a move if you want someone. Better to be disappointed rather than to regret never having tried.