Wednesday, July 04, 2007


OK, I am not gonna talk about the series 'Heroes', even though I find it interesting. I haven't finished the series yet. Do not know why suddenly lose interest in continuing to watch the series. Perhaps because the 'heat' was over!

Anyway, I've just watched the Fantastic Four 2 : Rise of the Silver Surfer. Something about the hot character, Johnny being the 'black sheep' who always bring trouble to the group makes me think about my past and some (bitter)sweet memories.

Gosh, Am I a loser!?

Anyone wants to be the hero. No doubt about that. One can insist to be a normal human person living a normal life but deep down inside, he/she wants to be someone. Or at least, a hero to someone.

I used to be a almost perfect kid back then when I was young. Good in studying (always get to be the top 10 students), good in public speaking, good in singing, good in writing, good in many many things. At that time, I almost did not know what are those things that I couldn't do, or couldn't be. I participated many kind of competition and I brought back prizes and/or awards. Tonnes of certificates were filed in my thick file. I made my parents proud. I was a hero to my family. My siblings were proud of me too. Sometime I also wonder if all the gay people are similarly more intelligent and brilliant?! Hahaha... No comment.

Anyway, I was also the celebrity in school back then. Most probably because I was winner in many competition. And being the winner made me popular. I've got many friends (good and bad), many people knows me. That's one good thing being popular. It boost up your confidence. So my confidence level was never low. My profile could no longer be low.

Even though I tried to, my pride would never let me so.

Not till I have my depression few years back, I started to experience all those sorrows, miseries, sadness, disappointment, helplessness... I was basically fell into the darken deep valley of despair. No lights, no senses, no hopes. Not even want to talk about the causes and un-speakable experiences during my depression.

Having difficult time to get up again...

When I was depressed, I always think that I am a trouble-maker. It's like every step I take would lead to another mistake. And I'd end up doing nothing and feeling depressed again. I don't dare to do anything. I felt useless, stupid and helpless. I can never describe enough how miserable it could be.

Somehow I am glad that I've gone through that. It (really, and I mean really) makes me stronger, wiser, and it also totally changed my perspective and priority of life. And now, I am very glad that I can feel free to do many things. I do not feel afraid anymore to make mistakes. And being able to do something, I can help others and contribute to the society. Yes, being able to contribute, makes me feel that I am worth-while.

Luckily I've pressed on steadfastly and overcome my depression. From what I heard, not so many depression patients can fully recover. I understand that very much. Not an easy task. When your mind is playing tricks with you, and you lose control of it, you basically lose control of yourself.

Anyway, I feel that I finally found a way to settle down myself and walk on 'the ground' steadily and calmly. It was like I was floating in the air last time letting the winds blow me into different direction gaining various (mostly dark) experiences in this world. And then, I finally gained the weight and manage to touch the ground and walk. And perhaps I am more down to earth now. Hahaha... And I started to know how to enjoy every step. Started to know how to appreciate every single moment that could be so wonderful.

At this point of time, I feel like I was living to be a hero for others (like family, friends etc). I live up to their expectation. I have to be like this and I must be like that.

Loving me for me, please...

But now, I don't want to be the hero anymore.


coolgardy said...

Life is indeed funny. It makes us learn about the good and bad and almost anything that is connected to life is always contradicting.

One day its all sunny and the next its like thunderstorms and sorts, so I wouldn't worry much, just take it with a pinch of salt, move on to it and face it like a man. Then, only then, will the inner hero in us come out.

Btw, good posts...really enjoyed them!

Queer Ranter said...

Everyone's got their highs and lows. :)

Apollo David said...

Actually i faced that before, when the time I fall it's almost kill me and very hard for me to get up... some more i told myself don ever try to be the hero anymore... but still a lot of thing come to me... all this make me back to the 'top' position... or maybe we can call this is our 'destiny'...