Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Sorry, but... I can't love you.

I received an email few days back from a (used to be very closed) friend in England. It was a pleasant surprise I would say. And the email was very lengthy. Luckily I manage to scan through the email very quickly (thanks to my reading habit) and briefly understood what she was trying to say. It was generally about her still being the music lover and about admiring me being able to play very well on the piano.

When we were young, we used to be very closed. It was during our primary school. We were standard three if I remember it correctly. We went to canteen together during recess time, study together sometime, we got home and I'd call her and we would chatted for quite long. Puppy love I would say for young kids like us. I don't know how and why suddenly we broke up (if that's what it was), but we remain friends (we have to as we were basically studying in the same class since then until secondary school form 5)! I guess she was my first love (if puppy love does count!).

Being a celebrity in school last time, I was so popular that sometime walking in the school some strangers will smile at me. I found it creepy sometimes, but I later got used to it. I also know that I have a lot of secret admirers secretly stalking me especially during recess time. And the most crazy experience I remember was that while on my way to the canteen, there's this girl stood right in front of me blocking my way. And when I raised my head to face her, she suddenly use that sign language to communicate with me. First she put her left hand on her chest, then she use a finger on her right hand and point at her heart, then she point at me. After that she smiled at me for awhile and walked off. I was puzzled. Then a friend of mine who was walking with me laughed at me and said that she was basically saying "I LOVE YOU!" to me. Great! That's scary!

No, please don't love me!

Then during standard six we were having our dance rehearsal in a classroom for our farewell celebration and there were girls from other school would stopped by after school to be the peeping tom outside the classroom just to have a look on me! Urgh! Irritating! And a lot of people told me that this girl like me, and that girl was crazy about me. Bla bla bla... I seriously didn't know how to response.

In university life, I seriously make myself NOT AVAILABLE. I intended to keep a very very low profile. I didn't dress up. I wore those same khakis pants and a round neck t-shirt to attend class. No fancy shirt or funky jeans. I was quiet and trying to be a very normal person. And for those were close to me, I always told them I am not looking for anyone to be my lover and that I wanted to concentrate on my study. (Yeah right! In fact, I secretly hunting down all those hunky stud in the university and be-friended a few of them. Unfortunately none of them turn out to be gay!)

Gay? Or not gay?

There is this girl whom I considered a very closed and best friend. We study together, eat together, and have supper together. Of course I have a lot more friends. But since we're from the same hometown, we thought we have something in common to share about. And I did make her understand that I am not interested in having girlfriend. However, I think her feelings for me grow each day. Right during the final year of our university life, she confessed to me saying that she actually liked me. I thought she only liked me. So I just said 'Thank you! That's very kind!" I later found out that she liked me as in want to have more than just friend with me. Then that's it. Our relationship turned from best friend to be come a not-so-good friend anymore. Not that we hate each other. But obviously, I hurt her (unintentionally) and she couldn't be that friend to me as she used to be.

After my university life, there this choir member also confessed to me saying that she likes me after working with me on a presentation (on a musical appreciation). She confessed to me through sms. I was not so surprised as I heard rumours about her admiring me earlier. But then I have to replied that I am not ready for any relationship.

If only a man would say :"I love you!" to me... Sigh...

Sometimes I really wonder, if I were to be straight, I would've had a girlfriend by now. And I will not be worrying what I am worrying now - coming out of closet, looking for the mr. right, what will others think, how it will affect my family... I can't think too much on those things.

To all those kind ladies that has secretly or daringly loved me for who I am, I thank you. But sorry, I can't love you back as how you love me. I pray that you will find someone better, who will love you, and bring happiness to you.

Sorry ladies! Thanks for the loving, but I am not the one for you...

I am thankful, for I know I was loved.


savante said...

Always better to have loved :)

Jason said...

That is... should I say it bittersweet? Somehow, I find it easier to come out to girls than guys.

Calvin said...

Wah! Rupa-rupanya, ada banyak admirers lah! Hehehe... You must be either handsome or sexy or hot looking huh?

I guess you're right saying you would be having a girlfriend by now if you're straight. Well, this is who you are.

Why not post your pic and let us juge if you're that hot? Hehehe...

coolgardy said...

Better to be loved than not loved at all...