Monday, November 19, 2007

The Lone Ranger

I am not sure since when I no longer be a person who follow the group. Ever since I start working? Nope maybe earlier? I guess it started right at the end of my university life, when all things have to be done on your own and that you should not depends on others to help get your assignment done. Even though my Final Year Project is a group project, we still allocate our task accordingly and settle them on our own unless we really do not know how to do it and need some help from the group mates.

I'll be fine on my own

Another reason might be because of the depression. Goodness, it was right at the end of my university life. Yes depression has totally changed everything about my life. I can already hear myself whining "Depression again?! Get over it!", but that's just me. No doubt about how strong the impact depression has shaped me to be a person I am now. You need to get used to my way of expressing myself! :p Yeah, depression made me a lonesome man. That should be the point!

I still remember after I started working in the company for just a few month, one of my senior commented me for being a lone ranger and never follow "the big group". He once asked me to join their weekly sport event - playing futsal. Somehow I am not good in sport and have no interest in futsal. Don't even know how to play. And then he just sarcastically said right at my face that I was not joining the majority. That I was not being participative. I almost said :"None of your fucking business!". But I was still a new staff under probation. So I thought I just smiled and ignored his sarcastic comment.

I don't give a damned! Say what you wanna say and fuck off!

Till now, I am pretty much doing things alone except of course going out for KTV or watch movies. Both my sister and brother already has their "another half", leaving me alone staying in the house enjoying my own space. Thanks to the internet, lotsa movies and drama series were downloaded and that my computer is undoubtedly full with gigabytes of interesting porn-stash for my guilty pleasure. Oops, I just realised I hardly feel guilty for that!!

My brother always worry about me for still being single and available. He even doubted I would be gay as my wallpaper and screen saver are full of half-naked or almost naked beautiful, sexy and seductive male photos. I don't give a damn seriously. Let him continue to question my sexuality. That should be fun. He even told my mom that I might be gay, right in front of my face. A few times. And I've got used to it. Not that he has any problem with me. I don't see he has any potential to be a homophobic person. We are all quite open-minded. As for my sister, she loves to ask me out to go for movies, shopping and try out new restaurants. Typically gay person : female's best friend.

When they are all busy with their stuff, I will be let alone again. My sister asked me a good question :"Do you really have any good friend? Best friend? Close friend?" I tried to think hard. I am certain, none. I have friends to go KTV with, I have family members to go dine in fancy restaurant or shopping with, I have friends who sing in a choir with me... best friend? close friend? I doubt so.

Come to think of it, perhaps I didn't open my heart. Being gay has shaped me into a person who doesn't give and show everything to anyone. I got used to pretending. I got used to wearing different masks in different situation. And in the end, I really don't mind being alone. Perhaps I would easily get tired being in a group for having to compromise with others. Gosh, this fella want to do this, yet that fella dislike it. I hate those games. I would just go home and be with myself and do whatever I want. Even though at times I long to have someone to always be there for me, reality always wakes me up and then I know I should be glad I am loved(by family and friends) and still living a wonderful life.

I am who I am

Lone ranger? Yea, at least for the moment, yes I am.


Queer Ranter said...

What has happened, has happend. No point dragging the fact that it happened to the present.

Only you can change yourself. If and when you want to change that is. :)

Janvier said...

Let's run through that line again:
" wallpaper and screen saver are full of half-naked or almost naked beautiful, sexy and seductive male photos..."

Your brother should be saying "Confirm case" rather than suspecting right? :D

Fable Frog said...

We all are lone rangers~ to a certain point~ i love being myself most of the time too~~ like you are totally not alone~ ;)

Jason said...

That's why you have to change. Skip choir, go karaoke!

William said...

Open your heart then...

coolgardy said...

I used to be a lone ranger too, always enjoying my time alone but to not have a best friend or someone to talk to about all this, I think I"m a bit more blessed than they say, open up your heart, you will find your true friend/ matter what, don't allow that to eat you up. Till then, enjoy life as it is...

savante said...

I've always been a loner myself. Still am actually but it shouldn't stop you from reaching out to make friends :)