Being an obedient child, many people like me. I was taught to be disciplined, to be caring, to put myself into other's people shoes, to give and to love, to contribute to the societies, country or even to the world. All those good attributes, I slowly nurtured and built up my personality that will be favoured by most people (if not everyone).
I greeted people when I met them. I spoke softly in the most humble way when I talked to anyone. I smiled and acknowledged my friends when I saw them from a far. I helped others whenever I could and always pleased other people wherever I was. Yes, sounds like a Saint or an angel coming from above.
Unfortunately, in this cold harsh world, an angel becomes a devil eventually. My dad has commented me being very mean and stubborn, after stepping into the working world. Being very straight forward, every word I speak is like an arrow that will stab through one's heart. I no longer have those "isi tersirat" in my speech.I just speak what is in my mind without much hesitation.
Of course, I know this will hurt others, sometimes , at some point. But really I no longer give a fucking damn what other will think about me. Of course, working is like being in a battle field, whatever I speak is very crucial. Ain't gonna get myself into any trouble. So even if I was shot and screamed and yelled by my customers, I will still keep my fake smile on my already masked face and nod my head in agreement. However, being away from customers or work, I would just took off the mask and you will only see the most evil sight of me. Yes I can be very mean. Some of my colleagues know it. Normally they would leave me alone when they saw my naked sour face.
And if there's something I don't disagree with, I would just tell them right away that I don't like and I don't agree. Don't really give a shit if that will hurt them. My dad was showing me this wound on his finger this morning, telling me that he accidentally hurt himself when trying to move something yesterday. I just shot back "Who asked you to move that thing in the first place?!" I know that's quite mean and impolite to talk to my old man, but I just couldn't help it at times.
I always blame on the fact that working life has really shaped me into such person. No one will actually put themselves into your shoes. And that you should always remember to save your ass first before considering others. No matter how good or how close a person is with you, you will never know he or she will stab you from behind. I have seen it and even experienced it. Harsh! Sad really! I know that's just not fair to treat others badly just because you've been treated unkindly. However, I most of the time have to think of myself first. Been hurt too much.
I still meet some strangers on the street who came and asked for money and I just waved them away and telling them sorry I can't help. And I don't smile on the street because being a good person will be bullied, such as being asked for money. Damned those money-asker!
I have customers who always give me that unwilling-to-do-thing face. Everytime they see me, as if they saw trouble is coming and that they have to swallow a big tonnes of shit. And I have to endure their unwillingness and got through all their whining and complaining until I got my job done and finally escape from the hell.
I also have customers who are like blood-sucker! They will make tonnes of requests and even though you have provided them whatever they want, they still want you to give more. They even said right in front of my face that they have paid my company a big amount of money and that I should serve them well. Gosh, why suddenly I sound like a slave?! That's not all, I have customers who didn't do their work and when their boss questioned the cause of the problem, they point their fucking golden finger at me!
Yes, in the end, those are still not good excuses for me to be mean and evil. Yet, I am tired of being good and kind. Some people just take that for granted. Even my colleagues.
"Mr. Goody won't angry if I did this to him."
"Mr. Kind will forgive me this time."
"Mr. Talent will do whatever I want him to do on the system."
"Mr. Intelligent will solve all my problems for me."
"Mr. Responsible will finish all the works, so let him do these works."
"Mr. Good-Writer will type the email for me or do the documentation for me."
In the end, I cannot help but being very unfriendly and mean. I unconsciously built up a strong wall around me. Whoever attempt to step over that wall, intentionally or unintentionally, will have to taste my evil stare! In worse case, whoever stepped over the wall, they will have to taste my poisoned arrows that I will shot in every directions. No point apologizing then. As if I care!