I Will Love Him From Afar

There has not been a single day I live by without having a thought of him. It may be just for a second, but it's all good enough to bring smile on my face. And it's all good enough to just think about him, even just for a second, all my worries and stresses will be left behind.

But I think I'll have to start putting down all my feelings for him. Either hide it somewhere deep down inside, or just simply get rid of it. I guess he's just not into me.

We were there in The Garden with a bunch of friends. Lazy to queue up with other crowd at the Midvalley, we actually decided to sacrifice more money and bought the Gold Class ticket at the Garden to catch a movie - BOLT. Funny how the seat in the cinema seem to be all twin seat. And given the chance, or simply lucky, we were seated together side by side again. Just that this time, it's all a little different. He seemed to keep sitting away from me. Not sure if it's because I scared him off or simply not wanting to create any suspicion to those friends who were sitting behind us. So we ended up sitting away from each other at the other end, in the twin seat. Yea, awkward as it may sound. Though occasionally we laughed out loud at the obviously funny movie, this time however, I did not really enjoy the movie.

I blame on the expectation I have from him. Like we would giggled together. He would asked me more questions. We would feel comfy sitting together. Damn those stupid expectation. And I hate myself for that.

After the movie, we went out of the cinema and he was like walking so far in front of us. Not sure if he was rushing to his next destination or simply wanna get rid of me. Whatever it is, I'll just take it as a sign of "The end". That's it. I waved everyone goodbye as the others still need to stay around and do shopping or whatever.

I passed over the bridge of The Garden and Midvalley Mall. Looking through the glass window, it was raining outside. Sudden sadness appears within my heart. I kept walking. Passing by many many people I don't know. Searching for the way out of the mall, as if I was searching the way out of this valley of sorrow. Yea, I eventually was out of the mall. I caught the ktm train. Got on board. And let the train took me where I belong.

On the way back home, I don't really know what I feel. But instinct told me this has got to come to an end. Perhaps I am lucky I didn't fall too deep yet. And maybe this is for the best for both of us. The truth and funny thing is, I don't even know if he is really into guys. Hahaha... look at how pathetic I am.

Whatever it is, I have decided from now on, I'll cast my feelings for him aside. I think we're better as friends. Yea, he's a good friend. Ain't gonna ruin it by trying to ask for more from him. Things are good the way it is now.

If I really love him so, then I guess I should just love him from afar...

If He Loves Me

He* was there, with me
Sitting beside me in the car
While I was driving
How I wish I could just look at him
For as long as I could
How sweet and gentle he could be

He was there, with me
Sitting beside me in a class
While we were listening to the lecturer
How I wish I could just look at him
For as long as I could
How attentive and dedicated he could be

He was there, with me
Sitting beside me at the dining table
While we were chatting and eating
How I wish I could just look at him
For as long as I could
How adorable and funny he could be

He was there, with me
Sitting beside me in the concert hall
While we were appreciating the beauty of music
How I wish I could just look at him
For as long as I could
How wonderful and amazing he could be

If he loves me
Then let him take my hands
If he loves me
Then let me fall into his embrace
If he loves me
Then let him say my name
If he loves me
I'll be the happiest man

That's if he loves me...

Random thought of a Bachelor

I don't think I can be a good boyfriend. Yeah, I don't think I'll ever be one good partner. You see, I gripe too much. Complain too much! Especially these days when I have been stressed up with works and the only thing I could do is still working... and of course release my tension by griping.

Then at some point, I thought, if I were to have a boyfriend, he would have to listen to me griping all day long. And I tell you, it is not the end of stories. I can gripe all over again at the same topic, same problem, same issue and not get enough of it. I guess I am just being cynical. Luckily I have no boyfriend now (what kind of statement is this?), else he would have to find some ways to shut my big mouth up!

Anyway, back to being a good boyfriend or partner, I suddenly think I am not ready. Or maybe there's no such thing whether we are ready or not to get into a relationship. Some said when love comes, you can't run away. So just accept it and let love leads the way. Yet I'm afraid. Not sure of what. Looking at friends and colleagues around me, a lot of compromises and efforts need to be made to sustain a good relationship. There are good times and bad times. And the thought of later on having to form a family follow by more commitment and responsibilities scare me off.

You see, I have always been alone. Both my siblings have got their boyfriend/girlfriend. It's nice to see that they always have someone to look for when they're happy or sad. And there'll always be someone to talk to or hang around when they're free. But there's always some not-so-nice thing like taking care of the partner's feeling, making time for them, listen to their gripes when they have problems and so on. And me always find myself free from such trouble. Being a lone-ranger, I just do what I want when I want and how I want. No need to consider extra thing like whether this will make my boyfriend happy and should I bring him in too etc.

My sister lately told me she's impressed by me, on the fact that I can live life alone. Not that she could not, for she is quite an independent lady herself. Maybe she has got used to the fact that there'll always be someone there when she needs him. You see, I'm not so proud of being complimented about able to live a life, because I could not. No one is an island. But I must admit that being single has its certain advantages, like maybe some freedom.

But it is sad really when you need someone to just be beside you, and maybe talk to you a little... yet there's nobody there. Like last Friday, after a long stressing weeks of working, I thought I could find someone to just hang out and chill on a friday night. I didn't want to go home just yet to face that lifeless wall. Of course I can just give some friends a call and maybe they might or might not just be there for me. But then I thought maybe I shouldn't bother them as KL was having terrible traffic congestion and it was raining/drizzling.

So there I was standing in front of my office building, wondering if I should stay in KL go shopping, watching movie alone, or just go for dinner alone? I stood there for almost 20 minutes. Yes, 20 minutes! All the passer-by must have wondering what was that freak doing, standing there doing nothing. Finding myself pathetic, I finally dragged myself back into the parking lot and drove home.

Christmas songs were playing while I was driving. And I was feeling hungry and... lonely(I hate to say this but... well I said it). I then stopped at a nice cosy cafe near my house, ordered myself dinner. With my stomach-filled, the restlessness disappeared. With the light music playing at the background and the ever romantic yellowish lights, I just sat there and enjoyed the drizzling rain. Cool and cosy.

* I am inspired to write this post after watching the movies "Never Been Kissed" & "The Nanny Diaries" which were shown in Astro HBO Channel this afternoon. Chic-flicks always make me wanna have a boyfriend! Dammit!

Frustrated

Frustrated.

I was assigned the most difficult tasks because I am the senior.

I am using an ancient programming language which I am not familiar to perform some enhancement on the system. And the due date is just around the corner.

The fresh grad who sit beside me doesn't help at all. I already am short of time to finish my assignment, yet I am expected to guide him to finish his assignment. In the end, both of us couldn't deliver on the target date. And the next assignment coming in. Another dateline is given. So we have to complete the first assignment and also the next assignment. And I am trying to meet the target date this time. Yet again, the junior beside me doesn't help. He is still struggling with his first assignment and the second deadline is just around the corner. =_='''

I have another 3 assignments to be completed before mid December. And I must complete all assignment by then. Else, I'll not be able to join the next big project which will bring more opportunities to me. And looking at the tasks I have in hands... I am not sure if I could finish them all in time.

Frustrated.

Facial Treatment

It was just a stupid suggestion which I unintentionally blurted out during our morning breakfast conversation the other day with my mother and sister :

"Hmm... mommy! I think I should go do facial! Nowadays always find my face very oily and irritating."

To my surprise, she said yes I should go for a facial treatment and even suggested the treatment centre which she has always been. Of course, that suggestion follows by a strings of how we should take care our face and that we should take care since we're young and bla bla bla... What shocked me the most was after that breakfast, we actually went to that facial centre right away to try our luck. Too bad the schedule was full that day and we had to make an appointment. So we did. And yes, I went for my first facial treatment yesterday.

I ain't gonna describe the whole process. But there are two main things worth mentioning here. First, is the facial massage. Mmm... I like it! Very de-stressing! The therapist applied some don't-know-what lotion or cream on my face and massaged my face repeatedly. It was just fantastic. Although it may be tickly for some part of the face, overall it's very comforting. And the therapist does know where to press on our face and it felt amazingly great. Love this to the max. How I wish the whole process was just this?! But no! There's always the good and the bad!

The bad part was of course when the therapist try to 'treat' your face! Oh yes, get rid of your black heads, pimples and all that dirty things off your face. Oh how innocent I was when I thought using the facial scrubs or something to wash our face will get rid of those dirty things?! No way! Apparently they reside so deep under the skin of our face that the therapist need to actually 'dig' or 'pinch' them out! And it was fucking painful! They have this tool (I have no idea how it looks like as my eyes were covered through-out the process.) which they use to press to get rid of whatever unwanted on my face. Sometime if the black-heads or whatever-dirty-stuff is too big and couldn't be pinched out, they actually use a needle or something similar to poke a hole on the face so that they would come out of the face! (At least that was what I felt! They use needle to poke my face! :-| )

You have no idea how tensed I was when they pinched, and pressed, and poked, and pressed, and pinch, and... painful painful painful! It was like being sent to hell for a while! Of course, after that, back to more creamy lotion and facial massage which I immediately felt like being saved from hell and been sent to heaven again! :D

The whole process took 2 hours! Unbelievable! Right after the treatment, I look into the mirror and saw nothing different actually. Still that 'scarred' face with a few black dots here and there. For one moment I told myself :"Cheh! So what!? Still the same old face!" But that night before I went to sleep, I went to wash my face. And when I touched my face, oh gosh, it was as smooth as the silk! So strange! And I actually admired my face for awhile! Oops! Self-indulgence! :P


Ahh... now I need to take care of my facial skin. I normally just wash my face with facial foam. Guess what, I have my facial foam, toner and moisturizer prepared in the toilet for my daily use. And my mom and sister even suggested that we should go do facial treatment every month. =_='''

To Change Or Not To Change

It has been a few weeks, or months, that I basically procrastinating in the office. Not because I don't have works to do. Well I have, but I just don't feel like doing them as there's no due date. And yes, that's the bad habit of mine. Always do things last minute. See, I even typed out this post during office hour when I am supposed to finish my works first.

And then lately the thought of hunting for a new job actually came across my mind. Quite shocking to me actually, because I normally won't simply think about changing job. Especially when I have just recently been transferred to a new team working for a new project. Then tonnes of question came into my mind:

Am I bored of my current job? Am I just seeking an easy way out to avoid working so hard? Am I escaping from something? Am I just tired of programming? Or is it something else?

Coincidentally, my current company's Public Relation or Communication/Marketing Manager has resigned and I believe, there should be a vacancy, eventhough I see no sign of the company hiring new staff to fill in the vacancy. I have talked to the manager, and she actually told me that I could be a potential candidate for the replacement. But I'll just have to take the initiative and talk to the boss about my interest in that position.

At the very same time, the Hotel where I coordinated the wedding for my friend recently is hiring staff for hotel event management. Guess I've impressed my friend so much that she actually think I should work there and recommended me to the event management staff in the Hotel. So now I'll just have to wait for the email to reach my mailbox and I can pick it up from there.

Honestly, I am interested in both opportunities. I have always been interested in dealing with customers. More fun and interesting. And to help provide service and satisfy the customers' needs make me feel happy and satisfied as well. (OK, I know you're giggling about me satisfy someone's need?! No?!) I guess I am a customer-driven person. Love to see their happy face knowing that it is because I have helped make their days!

But then again, a person from IT background to PR/Event management, it is such a huge change! I am not sure if that's a mistake?! Deep down inside, I know that I am not a technical person. I don't see myself being in IT field for the rest of my life. And I don't have this great passion in programming as well. So I guess that is one of the good reasons I should consider the opportunities I have in hand now? And then knowing the current economy situation, I am not sure if I am making a mistake to change job. Is it a risk worth taking?

And that's not all. There are a lot more concerns which I am just lazy to describe here. Hmm... Now I know, changing job isn't that easy! Perhaps I should just forget about changing job and stick to my current job. But the thought of sitting in front of the computer doing programming for another few years kills me!

I don't know... :p

The Wedding

If you still remember I was asked to be a wedding planner few months back. It's amazing how time flies and with just a glimpse of the eyes, the wedding has just passed me by. Oh, and it went very well, indeed.


Me being a wedding planner? No No No! I am just too inexperienced to be one. Come on, asking a person like me who is a programmer and not an event organizer to plan a wedding? A WEDDING? Stop pulling my legs, please! In fact, my friend who was the bride planned the whole wedding herself. So I ended up being her wedding coordinator. What's my job? My job is to make sure everything goes as planned. Yes, sound simple, right? Actually, it is NOT simple! NOT AT ALL!

A few weeks before the actual day, I was flooded with plans and plans. Contact person, agendas, emails for confirmation, hotel bookings, wines, flowers, decorations, CDs and all that jazz. It's like suddenly I have an extra job and have to perform multi-tasking. I even have to take one day off from work one day before the actual day to finalize the wedding plan with the bride and groom. Oh well, I admit I needed a reason to get away from work. :p

So the actual day went well. I was the Master of Ceremony who spoke mandarin during the wedding ceremony. Yeah, not only coordinating the whole event, has to be MC as well. I am telling you I did multi-tasking! What a good friend I am, heh?! Luckily no big catastrophe happened. Despite the rain which caused a small little chaos, everything went well.


Soon after the ceremony which was held in the afternoon, I went home to rest and prepare for the wedding dinner. Yeah, I have to be early at the Hotel to make sure everything was in order. Oh and tell you what, I was so amazed when I went into the wedding hall. The deco and setting is just beautiful! Ice-carving with the wedding photo inside and colourful light shone on it. I love the main VVIP table! Those roses, candles and settings... just perfect! Sorry I don't know how to describe. I am just bad at describing! :p I wish I took a photo of it but I was just too busy coordinating and going through my checklist. And I was so anxious because the lady with the "march in" song CD has not arrived yet! But she made it anyway so we could test the CD before the show was ON! Phew! *Sweat*

So basically I was running here and there through-out the dinner. Giving cue to the floor manager, making sure the music wasn't too loud and air-cond is working, giving cue to the MC to start the next item on the agenda, paying attention to the VVIP table to see if the bride or groom needed anything... busy busy busy! And I have to work with the floor manager from the Hotel to control the food serving, when to stop and when to resume.

Oh and that's not all. I also have to accompany the bride & groom with the family to do toasting from table to table. Yeah, chinese tradition. They really love to do this. With wine or liquor in their hands, starting from one table to another, they will screamed out loudly "Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaammmmm..................... Seng!" and the longer and louder they screamed, the better it is! Imagining going from one table to another table screaming at the top of our voice! And there are 20+ tables that night! It was fun though! :p

I went home that night feeling high and exhausted! And I couldn't sleep that night. Why? I caught cold, having terrible sore-throat and high fever. My throat was so pain that I couldn't lie on my bed to sleep. I switched off the fan and tried to cover myself with blanket so that I can sweat to release the heat from my body. But no sweat at all. And it was tormenting!! I was awake the whole night, watched a few drama series, and I ended up in the living room switching on TV watching "The Nanny" on Hallmark channel. It was till 7am that I managed to fall into sleep on the sofa in the living room. It was that bad!


Anyway, I really enjoyed helping out the wedding event. Part of it is because I learnt a lot from this. Meeting new people, organizing things, making sure everything is in order... it was fun. Another part of it is because I helped make my friend's to have a memorable and wonderful wedding event! I am just glad I'm able to help. In fact, I enjoyed the process. I am so ready to become a wedding planner for my sister! :D

A Pleasant Evening

I can't remember when was the last time I have such pleasant evening. A few friends sitting together at the same round table, talked about anything and everything. Remember good old days and sharing funny stories among ourselves while we laughing out loud.

Yeah, it was really fun. I just attended a friend's son's one-month-old birthday and I got to meet a few friends there. Though we're not best friends, we're close enough to talk about most of the things and share a few laughs. And I felt this is something I really like. Feeling comfortable and care-free. Nothing to worry about. Just sit together and talks something, doesn't matter if it's important or not.

And we all felt comfortable and enjoy each other's company. What made the whole thing better, is that the possible one was there, and he was sitting right beside me, again, through-out the whole event. Love the way he laughs, and the look on his face when he try not to laugh. At one point he moved further apart from me though. Not sure if I offended him or something? Or maybe he just need more space?! Not sure. But we all still enjoying talking and laughing until everyone else left. And we were the last group of people leaving the house.

Once I reached home, I received a sms from him saying that he's being stucked in the traffic congestion. I almost wanted to reply "Oh dear, wish I could be there with you to keep you company in the car." But nah... ain't gonna scare him off. I suggested him to listen to the radio instead. Another sms from him when he reached home and say good night. Knowing him, most probably the last sms was sent to everyone.

It was a pleasant evening, indeed. Especially with the possible one there. Hmm...

Role-Playing Games (RPG)

OK, don't get me wrong! I don't play game. I mean I don't play those video games, xbox, WII bla bla bla... NO NO NO! Those are not for me. Although I used to play MARIO like a maniac when I was young, I don't think I am addicted to playing any of those games nowadays.



However, while coding (Or programming. Or creating a program) today, suddenly the thought of being a slutty bitch today came across my mind. Don't ask me why. I have no specific solid reason for what, why, when, how, where... It's just me! Spontaneous and Impromptu! If you really need an answer, let's just say - Because I am a slutty Bitch today?! Wahaha... Dirty talks, flirty messages... Mmm... come on baby!

Then, I was thinking again, maybe tomorrow I'll be something else. How about a gentleman? Let's see what kind of gentleman I was talking about. Well-educated, well-mannered, well-groomed, what else? Soft-spoken? A man who does everything gracefully and elegantly. OMG, did I just say gracefully? (0_0)''' Oh and definitely wearing suit and tie! Oh my my my! That's so my fetish!



Hmm.., how about the following day? Maybe a construction worker?! Ooooh... A man working under the hot hot sun. Muscular arms and huge pecs. Firm ass with big thighs. Rough, sexy and HOT! Not to mention those muddy t-shirt and the faded jeans? Imagine lifting something and unconsciously flexing those muscles? Ooh... I want to be that man! Sex in the construction site? Ah... one of my fantasy! :p Oops!


Actually there are more, teacher, personal trainer, boss, painter, gigolo... hmm...role playing can be fun. But guess what! That'll only happen in my mind. :p So what do you want to be today?

A Moment of Bliss

Listening to Chris Botti's jazzy music while lying on my bed trying to fall into sleep. I think I feel a moment of bliss. Like I'm the happiest man in the world. Soothing music, comfortable bed... what more can I ask for?! No worries, care-free...

And I wish I could capture that moment, and feel it every day, every night, every moment...

Communication

I should join communication/marketing line. Or maybe aim to become a communication manager in the next 5 to 10 years. Yes, I enjoy communicating with people. And not just typing email, chatting online or texting sms. I love sitting down face to face and have a good conversation. Doesn't matter if it is for leisure, or a meeting to solve problem, or a simple briefing session to provide information to the audience.



Let's see what I like to do :-

1) Writing email
Ooh yes, I love writing emails. You bet most of my emails are very lengthy and well organized (self-claimed). How I love to greet the recipients with a big wide smile like this --> :D and then enjoy choosing the right and correct words to convey my message in the email. I even enjoy correcting and beautifying each and every line so that the reader will feel comfortable reading it as if they are being pampered by my "soothing" words. Bwahahahaha... Of course there must be a few lines of compliments to the recipients to make them happy or feel respected (even though some of them are bitches and bastards! Oops! :p) Not to forget ending the email with some flowery words to thank their kind attention and/or cooperation etc.

And guess what, I don't mind spending hours and hours to write a good email. I don't mind putting efforts in writing email. I feel great that I managed to pass the message to whoever necessary. And I feel the satisfaction when everything that needed to be said can be put into words and spread around to everyone so they benefit from my "documentary". No wonder I am always the one who were asked to do documentation. :p

Seriously, my english is not superb. Grammer mistakes can be found here and there. I wish I could have more time to read more so that I could enrich my vocabulary. But I guess I can just read blogs and maybe newspaper once in a blue moon to brush up my english.

I have a weird habit though. When I am free, I always browse back my "sent box" and enjoy reading those lengthy emails I wrote. Ah, the satisfaction is just indescribable! Call me a freak? As if I care! :p

2) Attending Meeting
Yes I did mention about how sickening a meeting can be, especially those lengthy and unproductive meeting. But I actually like to go for a meeting. Partly because I can escape from sitting and working in the office all day long until my firm butt went flat; Another part is because I got to meet people. Yippie! I love meeting new people. Oh one more thing! I got to dress up! Yippie, wearing nice shirt, nice pant with a nice tie. Oooh, feel so great about myself! Who doesn't when one is dressing up?!

And during the meeting, I got to improve my speaking skill and people skill. Yes, those are essential skills which we need to acquired in this competitive world. And I enjoy observing people when they speak. The words they used, their body language, how they carry themselves, how they hide their weaknesses and so on. Very interesting!

I am very grateful I took up public speaking class during my university. At least I can speak well enough that the audience understand what I was trying to say. Some just couldn't express themselves and with those "Arr...Err... how to say aar?! You know la?!", not so nice, right?!

Oh and I got to meet hunky stud in suit and tie! HOT HOT HOT! I did went to a meeting with men from foreign countries. They are HUGE! Huge face, huge pecs, huge arms... their shirt so tight I can almost see every single muscles through it.... I was like "OMG, instant erection!" And you know their exotic accent and good look, I almost fail to concentrate on whatever they were trying to say. Luckily I always manage to "keep myself awake" and get things done. Oh how can I forget their firm handshake?! Almost wet my pant! :p


3) Presentation/Briefing
OK, I am not really good in presentation seriously. But once in a while I need to do presentation in order to present my ideas to the colleagues/teammates, or maybe teaching users on how to use the system.

Yes a lot of efforts on preparation need to be done to ensure a successful presentation. You need to know what you are talking about and make sure the audience will understand every single things you say. Yes, I enjoy the process of preparing for a presentation. Preparing slides, put all the contents into points form, picking good examples to help user understand better. Those are fun!

Even though most of the time, the time given for the preparation and very short (yes I hate this part), I still, luckily, managed to prepare well enough to present whatever needed to be presented. And again, I feel satisfied when people understand what I am trying to say. Feel like an educator. So proud of myself. Kakakaka!

Although there is always the Q & A session, which can be scary sometime as you won't know what kind of questions the audience will throw at you. But I guess response like "That's a good questions! I will look into it and get back to you later!" will help keep me out of trouble. But if used too often, I'll be in deep shit too. That's why preparation is so important!

Again, during presentation, you also got to see some more hunky studs. They could be those shy one? Sitting there staring at you while you were talking up front? Or maybe those smart one who throw at you with many many questions after your presentation. LOL... If only those hunky studs were interested, I'll just shut their mouth with mine. Wishful thinking! :p


Hmm... now I know what I like to do. So what do you think my next job will be? Communication Executives? Or telephone operator? Or a clark? Marketing Officer? Customer Service? Hotel Management? Bwahahahaha... most probably I'll still be sitting in front of the computer doing programming! (=_=)'''

The Possible One

Is he the one? A question I have been asking myself many times over the years. Somehow I managed to tell myself that maybe it's just my wishful thinking that he is gay and that he will like me. Or it's stupid to even think about there's a chance between us. Anyway, he's one of the few good men in my life.

Tell me you want me.

And I was shocked when I heard someone said that he is actually into guys. And that he love to watch handsome men more than pretty women! Gosh, really?! Is that person joking?! Part of me glad to have heard that; Another part of me actually pour myself a cold water and said :" Cheh! So what?! That doesn't prove or confirm that he is gay and even if he is, you are not even sure if you are his type!"

Oh well, it's true. But a man at his age still single and available, pretty good-looking and kind-hearted and well-mannered and soft-spoken and down-to-earth and thoughtful and health-conscious and... Oops, did I just mention all his good attributes and great personality?! And I haven't seen him in any relationship since the day I know him. I heard he had been in a relationship once, with a girl, I presumed. And that the relationship ended in a pretty depressing way. Well, I don't know the detail. And not sure if I need to know about it. :p

However, I was asked to go out for a movie by a friend and he was invited as well. So we, a bunch of guys and gals braved ourselves to Pavilion to catch the movie - Mamma Mia! Well, before the movie we went for dinner first, of course! And he was sitting beside me. :p Nothing interesting happened, but I was just glad that he was sitting beside me. :p And then when it's time for the movie, we went into the cinema. And yes, again, he was sitting beside me. Yes, again! :p

Wish he would be with me everyday!

And you bet through out the movie I could not really focus on the movie screen. Not because the movie isn't nice, but I just couldn't help to check out his reaction towards the movie from scene to scene. Oh, and we did exchange our thoughts a few times through-out the movie.

The possible One : Pierce Brosnan's body is out of shape!
Me : Yeah, pretty obvious, huh?!
The possible One : Meryl Streep can really sing!
Me : Yeap, and Pierce Brosnan and the young leading actor are not as good as her in singing.
The possible One : I think I remember the 'dad' from some other movie, which movie again?!
Me : I am not sure. I only familiar with Pierce Brosnan and Collin Firth.

And yeah, on and off, we sang along when the movie was playing the familiar songs we've heard when we were young.

I don't know. I would be lying if I said I have no feelings for him. I'll definitely say yes if he ever asked me out. But I can't see how it will be if we were together. And from how much I know about him, I don't think he is looking for a companion like me. And you know, sometime it is better for two persons to remain just friends. Perhaps perhaps perhaps...

If you're not the one, then...

"I have a dream...a song to sing..."

Emo-Guy

I am such an emo-guy. As in emotional? Yeah, I still am. Happy for now and the next minute, I can be all sorrowful. Give me another few minutes I might just wipe my tears away and start finding the reasons for me to laugh out loud again.


Oh, and yes I don't really hide my feelings. All of them will be displayed on my face whether I want it or not. You will know when I am really happy. Yes, written on my face. Sad, not enough sleep, exhausted, pissed-off, excited... yes you can read them all from my face. Ok, maybe that only happen to my close friends.

I am, most of the time smiling when I meet my customers. Note that I said, most of the time, because sometime, I couldn't help but give some of those bitchy customers an evil stare. Sometime I am not sure if my fake smile was so real that the customers actually thought I was really smiling and happy to receive or accept their unreasonable requirement and non-sense comments.

Ah... I don't know. Maybe I have multiple personalities? Who knows?

Or was it all because I am gay? Maybe gay man is a little bit more sensitive and emotional compare to others. We have to go through certain event that some others didn't have to. So we tends to be emotional and 'imbalance' a bit? Err... Maybe only me. :p


But one thing I noticed though. I don't get the chance to be all emotional as I was so busy with works these days. The only feelings I have is busy busy busy... tired tired tired... and you don't get to show your emotion to your boss. My colleagues? They said I am always tired. Yes, so tired to be happy, sad, excited or whatever it is. So I'm like a emotionless zombie to them.

Only on this fine Monday that I got to be myself and really do what I want without even thinking about work. Why? Because I took leave! :p

And I got emotional again. Not in a bad way. Watch some dramas and cry a bit. Watch some truly amazing performance and found tears in my eyes as I was so touched by their sincerity and amazing performance. Crazy and weird, I know! :p Then later in the evening I watch "The Nanny". Some old and hilarious British comedy and I laugh like a bitch. The Nanny is just so freaking funny and I love her unique laughter! Ahahahaha.... if you know what I mean.

Guess what, I just finished download the latest episode of Brothers and Sisters, I'm sure I'll go "Aww... that's so sweet!" or something similar while watching the show and hugging my favourite pillow in my bed.

Tonight I Wanna Cry

Not sure if it is the pressure I have, or the emptiness I am feeling inside me, I suddenly have the urge to just breakdown and cry. Stupid and weird as it may sound, but yeah, I feel like I crying. Letting tears run down across my cheeks, to my lips, down to my chin and drop on my shirt... as if the negativities in life, will just flow together with the tears, out of my body... 

"I don't like self-pity!", a simple phrase, has given me a tight slap on my face. And it hurts. And it hurts so much that my heart-ached. It hurts so much that I even got angry. And something within me was going to burst. But I managed to take a deep breath... and realized that I deserved that. Self-pity, yeah I guess I have always been doing that. 

Letting myself drown into the deep valley of despair and sorrow, I found myself emotionless. I went numb. For one moment, my mind really went into a total blank. No feelings, no thoughts, no nothing. And there's no tear. 

Keith Urban - Tonight I Wanna Cry

Sorry for not being strong enough. I know, I am doing that again. Self-pity. Just let me be... let me be... at least, for tonight...

Being Caught In The Middle

You know there are times in our life that we will be caught in the situation whereby we do not know whether to say yes to this or to say no to that. And it is so hard to make the absolutely right decision that we wish we could just close our eyes for just one moment and the situation will turn better for a bit. Yeah right! And lately I have been in that kind of situation in many ways.

I am in such a mess!

Between Two Bosses
Oh yeah, I have been slowly transferring to the new team to work on a new project recently. But the process of transferring is so slow that I still have to work on my previous project and at the same time focus more on my current project. In short, I have to work on two projects at a time. And I have to report to two bosses at the same time as well. Of course, my priority will be my current project. But when there are things that I needs or if I want to apply for leave, I wonder if I should apply from my previous supervisor or my current supervisor. Not sure if I will offend any one of them whoever I decided to report to. Computer memory space not enough, should I get from old boss or new boss? My monthly claim should report to the old boss or the new boss? Awkward awkward awkward!

Between Morality and Sexuality
I was brought up in a conservative chinese family which value morality. And we are so sincere as a Buddhist that I even attended Buddhist teaching classes and took the examination. Oh did I mention I even got an A1 in my SPM Pendidikan Moral? A1, man! You think easy aar?! Not many people can get it you know! Hah! While I was shamelessly boasting about how good I am in understanding the theory of moral, I am basically immoral. We were taught not to have sex until the day we got married! How funny is that?! Sex in the sauna room, surfing porn sites, downloading and watching porn clips while wanking... Oh homosexuality! Tsk tsk tsk... it's even illegal in this country. Wait a minute. Was it homosexuality that is illegal or the act of sodomy is illegal? I am not sure myself. But I was taught that being gay is immoral. Men are supposed to be with women. Men and women, that's natural. Oh well, I like men! Welcome to my real world!

Men! Sex! And Men!

Between Dreams and Reality
I have always want to pursue my music career. May it be a singer, a piano teacher, a performer... anything about music. I love playing piano so much that I could play on the piano for hours without feeling bored. I love singing so much that I would sing my heart out every now and then. But where am I now? Working in an IT firm at least 12 hours a day (and even during weekend sometimes) just to have sufficient income to pay my study loan and also to support my family. No time to practice piano, no time to improve my singing skill. Luckily I can still attend choir practice at least once a week to have a good time, but that does not help to improve my singing skill. Well maybe it will, but it will take a very long time.

What am I gonna do?!

I don't know. Like I said. I wish I could just close my eyes and just live my life. Guess I am still doing it. And not sure where this will lead me to. Urgh! Thinking all this itself is tiring! Sucks!

Random Update

Just wanna post a clip here.Reasons for posting this clip :-

1) It's a music video with some of my favourite scenes from the movie - Jeffrey, which I've just watched.
2) The movie talks about gay guys falling in love and one of them is HIV+. Which I could relate to my phobia of having sex in fear of being infected with the deadly disease and my obsession with cleanliness due to the same reason.
3) The music is just nice and soothing.
4) I am just not in the mood to write a lengthy post.
5) Love watching two fine hunky studs looking and talking to each other. Michael Terry Weiss is so fine! Oh Damned! Did I just wet my short?! Fucked!



Have a nice weekend! :D

A Letter To My Love - Being Worry

Hey Love,

You have no idea how much I miss you so. But I guess you're there missing me too. 

So you missed me too?

You know lately I've been thinking. I have a lot of things. A lot, if I really count each and every single item I possessed. And I have most of the things I want. But, I can't seem to really enjoy them all. Why? I guess I tend to worry a little... ok, I worry too much. Am I? So much that I missed a lot of things I could have had. 

Just for today, I worried so much about driving over something or someone that I missed the pleasure of driving in my own car. Not only that, I also don't get to hang around with friends or just simply driving around the KL city enjoy the city's lights. I worried so much about the possibility that I might have knocked someone off on my way back home that I wasted a lot of time and efforts to convinced myself that I might have just driven over a rock/wood on the road; I worried so much about my hands being dirty that I missed the fun of eating foods with my bare hands. I worried so much about leaving things behind that I wasted a lot of time checking and checking before I leave from one spot to another. I worried so much that one day my house will be broken in by thieves that I locked my bedroom's door and window when I sleep eventhough it'll be stuffy and hot inside the room. And the list doesn't end here... 

Yes, worrying over things has become a habit to me. Stop worrying? Yes, I told myself that millions and millions of times. I'm afraid I have immuned to that. But then come to think again, if I have immuned to that, I would've stopped worrying now. Somehow I'm glad that at least I won't worry till my heart ache and cause me sleepless night like I used to be. I guess I have immuned to the side effects of being worry. Or to see it from other perspective, it is as if worrying, has become part of my life, part of me. It's like a disease which cannot be cured, but can be controlled. 

Only you can make me happy!

And suddenly whatever I have seems to be unnecessary anymore as I seem to be a person who is incapable of being happy. Yeah, waking up in the morning till the moment before I fall into sleep. There are thousands and millions of things that I can worry about and they basically took away all the reasons for me to be happy. So what that I possessed a car? So what that I have a degree? So what that I have nice shirts and CK underwears? Meaningless!

I hope this is just a process or period in life that I will need to go through. For as long as I need to worry, I really hope that one day it will stop, or fade away. It is exhausting, indeed! But if I were meant to worry that much in this life, then let me be strong enough to carry the 'weight'. Yes, if worry is something I should do, then let me do it happily and steadily. Whatever it is, just let me be strong and wise enough to know how to enjoy living my life to the fullest!

Anyway, I still strongly believe that this will somehow come to an end someday. I just need to hold on tighter to my faith and be strong. Yes, after so many turbulences and troubled times in life, this too shall pass. By then the sun will shines and rainbow of hopes will appear within my heart. So, don't you ever worry too much about me! 

By the way, I love this following clip very much and I wish someday I can come home and see my love, you, every single day. Will you help me change the light bulb and make me dinner? LOL... you know I love you! *kisses*

Alright, I shall stop here, love. I'll write again soon! Please take good care! 

Your love,

Ryan

A Car-less Day

It has been more than three months since I last taken a public transport. Oh yes, I hated to squeeze with other smelly and sweaty men so much that I finally bought myself a cheap car and drive to work. Unfortunately, there was an electricity breakdown yesterday and I couldn't open the auto front gate so my car was 'stucked' inside the house. Oh there was a key to open the gate manually, but I don't know why it didn't help to open the gate even though I've tried for almist 15 minutes. Realizing the time was running out, I took a taxi and went to work yesterday. And it fucking cost me RM15! 

Want me to give you a ride, honey?

Not only that, the taxi driver was having flu I guess. He kept on opening his window and spit while he was driving. And he coughed constantly and I feared that he would have coughed out his lungs or something. What a bad start of the day! But it was Friday! So my happy mood didn't fade away just because I didn't get to drive to work. :p 

Anyway, after working hour, I thought of getting taxi back home. But then it was raining and the traffic congestion in KL city was just horrible horrible horrible! So I went to Pavilion with colleagues and ex-colleagues to have a nice dinner in a Japanese restaurant. Though I hate the fact that I have to spend a lot (nothing is cheap in Pavilion), I still enjoyed my meal and have a good laugh with those colleagues. I guess we were the noisiest table in the restaurant. And we laughed out real loud! We didn't really care! :p

So after that nice dinner, we took our separate way and it was almost 10pm already. I tried to take a taxi. When I managed to stop the first taxi, I opened the door and asked:

"I need to get to Heaven!"

"Where in Heaven actually?"

"Err... Gay Street in Heaven?"

"Oh! Ok, but it will cost RM20!"

"What?! That's too expensive!"

"Yeah! But please understand I can drive you there, but it will be difficult for me to get any customer on my way back here in Hell!"

"Never mind! Thank You! Bye!"

"OK. Bye!"

And he drove off. I don't mind giving extra few ringgit. But RM20 is just too much from KL to my home. Since I have not taken the monorail for a long time. I thought of trying that again. So I went to the nearest monorail station and buy my ticket. 

Clean up before you come anywhere near me!

You see, when I was waiting for the monorail to come, there was this man standing behind me and he fucking coughed WITHOUT covering up his damned mouth!!! Yucks, yucks, yucks!! See! That's why I don't like to  take public transport! 

And that didn't end my misery. When the monorail finally arrived, the whole train was full with people. So full that I needed to squeeze in. Having no choice, I made my way into the train and basically trying not to inhale too much and singing some song in my head to get my attention away from the awful smell and the thought of germs and bacterias were surrounding me. Luckily I didn't have to wait long for the train to reach my destination. What a relieve! However, at the destination, I still need to take a cab to reach my home. Luckily I managed to get a decent cab (proton wira) and got home. Phew!

Come let me take you for a ride?!

I am so not taking public transport anymore. Even though I hate traffic congestion in KL, I don't mind stuck in a traffic jam in my own car where I can enjoy the cooling air-condition and listening to my favourite songs, and singing along. I so love my car now! :p

Being Contend

Being bored and has nothing to do this afternoon (which is quite a surprise or miracle), I basically bugging everyone I know on my gtalk chat list and trying to strike up a conversation. Too bad most of them were busy or caught up with their works and so on. Oh well, can't really blame them. I am the one who was abnormally free this afternoon.

Free to play with me?!

Anyway, I got to chat with this friend of mine whom I always look for whenever I feel bored. Because she is such a talkative person. Once start, she can't seem to stop. And that's what I needed for this afternoon. Listening to her telling me endless stories from office, colleagues, family to some unknown person she likes or dislikes. Yes, and I just listened and laughed. No doubt my colleagues sitting next to me would have wondered why was I smiling ever so widely at the monitor screen. As if I care! :p

Anyway, I was shocked when she told me she used to be a beggar. Yes, you hear me right, a beggar she was! Then she told me that sad and depressing story of hers. She was too young then so couldn't remember much of the detail. But that's what she was told by her (adopting) parents. Poor her.

Don't make me beg!

Saddening as it may be. But I'm just glad she has a family now and don't have to go beg in the street. My family used to be very poor too. I remember there was once when mom said we didn't have money to buy food and the whole family just eat maggie mee for dinner. I remember that well. Yet, we were all happy then. Partly because I love to eat maggie mee (regardless what flavour it is), and my parents made it sounds like we were having maggie mee feast. LOL... But we did know that we were poor enough to have a proper dinner.

And the poverty (hardly poverty la) didn't last long. We soon have good supplies of food and decent clothes and parents always make sure we are under a secured roof. :D Love'em so much!

So looking and counting on what I have and possessed now, I am pretty thankful. A nice house to live in. A family to be with. A nice and decent bedroom with my newly-bought computer desktop and so on. Even got myself a decent job with a good salary. Guess I should be contend.

But then again, human is always greedy. Desires and wants. I want to have an air-cond in my bedroom. I want to buy new shirts, new shoes, new underwear! More books. And maybe go traveling around the world once in awhile... and I want more salary income.

Maybe a little peace within will be enough...

I guess I failed terribly for being contend! :P

Man-Hunt in the Chatroom

It was years ago when everyone was so into IRC that I basically logged on into mirc every single day during my secondary school. I don't know why I did that but I guess it was just for fun. It was kind of stupid actually where I basically chatted with my schoolmates who I met everyday in the school. It was as if meeting and attending class together in school for half of the day wasn't good enough, and we still have to log on online into mirc and chatted the hell out of us.

Wanna meet up, sexy?!

It was also during that period when the naughty part of me entering the naughty chat room gaymalaysia and chatted with some strangers who will always start their conversation as follow :-

Stranger : Hi
Me : Hi
Stranger : a/s/l
Me : What?
Stranger : a/s/l
Me : What is a/s/l?
Stranger : Age/Sex/Location
Me : Oh...

Yeah that stupid "a/s/l" thingie. And then I also stupidly started any conversation by using that phrase. As if it's the opening phrase, a pick-up line, a greeting? OK, hardly pick up line nor greeting. But that was what happened. And not just that. People can come up with so many different funny names likes : hornyguy, dick-sucker, gwmforgam, gamforgwm, hotstud, fukbuddy, hotchistud, lickme...etc. Oh, what the hell. Even I put a screenname : desperado. Yeah I was that desperate. Nothing happened though. No meet-ups or anything. Just a few cybersex and phonesex which again I soon found it boring and pathetic!

From then on, I never log on mirc or anything like that. First I find it very unreal to chat to a stranger online. Yeah we can remain anonymous and speak freely. But there was this emptiness after each conversation that make me feel worthless and meaningless. I rather engage in a real conversation where I can talk to a person face-to-face and know each other better. I love watching and observing a person. Especially those I am really interested in. Hahaha... Who doesn't?

Mmm... you're hot!

I guess it has been a decade since I last logged on to any chatroom and chat with some stranger. Just talked to a few bloggers who I know from some other blogger... well at least I got to know them better through their blogs, even though I haven't met most of them. So realizing I should enlarge my circle of friends, especially the gay friends, I thought I should start socialize.

But that's a bit difficult. First, I am still in the closet. Second, I had once joined a gaythering and made a fool out of myself. Third, I am a very homey person. I enjoy staying at home in my room enjoying my own space when I'm free. And I hardly free. Thanks to my works which keep me busy all week days. Hmm... Not good. Not good. So then I was told that I should log on to gay.com and hook up with some one. OK, not really hook-up but made some decent friends. Ha! Going back to high school again? That's what I thought.

Anyway, no harm giving it a try. So I registered and signed myself up and enter the chat room. No doubt there are a lot of people. With those nicknames, and yes some even sounded very slutty. And with the screennames like "look4funtonite", everyone knows what he was up to. But then I told myself not to be scared away by those people, there should be some nice and decent people who really look for a sincere and kind friend. Searching through the namelist in the chatroom with photos, I started chatted with some guys. Of course, being a potato queen, I was looking for caucasian man. :P But for heaven's sake, most of them can be my daddy already. No offence, but I am not into daddy type. Thank you very much! :P

Oh well, of course there were some other guys try to chat with me, but some of them just, again, not my type. Hate myself for being so demanding and a potato queen. I might as well move to Europe or something.

And then I got to chat with this hot guy. So hot that I thought he might be the one. (I can be so innocent and stupidly naive, sometime.) We chatted a little while. Then I later found out he has a boyfriend already. And yet he still ask me out to meet which I shyly declined. Well, maybe his intention was just wanna meet up and be friend. But I guess there'll be part of me(or him) who want to be more than just friend. So better stay away from trouble and move on. :p

You can have me. I'm not taken!

Online chat? Chances of getting a decent and sincere friend is so small, though I have to admit some of them are seriously good in flirting with people. Maybe I could learn some from them. Who knows it might comes in handy someday in the future?!

Guilty Pleasure

I did it! For almost a decade since I last had such intimacy with a man. So what happened? I won't go into detail. However, I will give you a few words or phrase, and you can somehow relate and create your own stories. So here goes the words/phrases : Sauna room, two horny men, blow-job, hand-job.

I know you want it! Just say it!

There, I said it. You put all the pieces together with your ever so creative imagination. I think it is not difficult at all to put them together. Anyway, what matter most is the aftermath. There are mixture of feelings actually. Pleasure, guilty, anxiety and disheartening.

Pleasure
The whole experience was adventurous. And the adventure itself actually spice up the whole thing. I am not the person who wholeheartedly agree to anonymous sex but being a single man for more than a decade when sex is only between me and my hands, it does not really help to keep my sanity then when there was a hot man there offering whatever I need. So I guess my sanity "went down" and I lost control when my cock was up. I can't really say I enjoyed the sex because we were just to worry someone would walk into the room. And yes, apparently in the end, someone walked in and we have to end our "session" immediately and walked out of the room into our separate way. No ejaculation. Period.

No. No satisfying ending.

Guilty
There are two main reasons why I felt guilty. First is of course to commit in an anonymous sex. I always think that sex should involves love and that love will improve sex. What we did were merely satisfying our desires and nothing more than that. Just like animal without thought and wisdom. Shame on me. And there might be a lot of negative consequences (such as S.T.D.s etc), but I only offered him hand-job and did not blow him which lead me to another reason of feeling guilty, because he blew me. I felt like I have exploited him somehow. But being a paranoid, I am just too afraid to risk my health for a short pleasurable moment. Who knows if he is clean or not?

Anxiety
Having those guiltiness, I also think about what if we were being caught red-handed. Maybe the one who walked in the room at the end somehow knew what we were doing and made a report or something. Will we be charged and put into jail? What about my life and my career? What if the room is equipped with CCTV? Negative thoughts flow into my head and it is overwhelming. I am anxious. Suddenly regret for being so stupid! I shouldn't have done it in the public. Fucked!

Disheartening
Yes, being gay in this country is just disheartening. I can say it over and over again and it is still the same. To make things even more difficult, I am still in the closet and I don't see the chance of coming out in the near future. Wearing mask, hiding feelings... in the closet. Shy away in the darkness. Even the tears had already gone dry. Will I be a single man for my whole life? No doubt anonymous sex does not do me any good as you can see there are more negative feelings in my list here. Until the day I meet the right man, I guess I shall go through the sex drought season and really live as a monk who keep his sexual desire to the minimum level.

Forever a bachelor.

Guilty Pleasure. Certainly more guilty than pleasure. Dammit!

They Don't Speak

They don't fucking say anything!

Should've said something!

Yes, that's basically what I want to say. Why? Here is the story.

The boss gathered everyone in the meeting room to kick off a new project. After "pouring out" all his requirement and expectation, he asked if anyone has any questions. No one spoke. He further explained what he wanted and then asked again for a deadline when we can deliver whatever he needs. Everyone kept quiet. Silence kicked in. Every seconds seems like forever when everyone's looking down as if they're observing and analyzing their own shoes. The boss then proposed a deadline and asked if we have any problem with that. Silence is the only response. So he assumed everyone is fine with the propose deadline. The gathering was then dismissed.

Fucked! How are we gonna do? What is the first thing that we need to do? In the end, we eat our own shit!

And that's not only the case. Today, again, while we were having our own discussion among ourselves, the boss came in and joined us. Suddenly everyone kept quiet. Some look at the white board. Some look at the own scratch book don't know drawing what shit. Some other just look at the others.

Say something! Say something!

The boss found a chair and sat. Looking at the whiteboard too and waiting for something. Then suddenly everyone look at me. I look back at them. Made a frown. Some ladies giggled a bit and the nearby colleague then whispered to me saying that I should start say something. I was like :"Excuse me! Why me?!" Then that usual silence surrounded us again like a cold wind making me shiver. I hate that awkward situation. The boss never said anything. He just sat there. And all of them were suddenly dumb.

Hating that kind of situation, I then courageously stood up and offered to explain whatever we've discussed so far to the boss. Situation got better after I broke the ice. At least there was interaction between the boss and us. Phew!

I don't understand. Why is it so difficult for them to speak in front of the boss?! Besides, those seniors should have known their boss better than me. Oh gosh, how am I suppose to work with this bunch of people who are scared to even speak to their boss? Or is it because they don't want to be accountable for whatever being discussed or proposed? So they better keep quiet and if anything happened, they will not be the one to be blamed. I don't know. And I don't want to know.

What more can I say!?

I should have known. Yes, moving from one team to another team means starting all over again. No, it's more than that. A lot more than that. Besides starting anew, I need to do a lot more to prove my sincerity to join the new team and to build trust between the new members and me. To make things more difficult and complicated, I have to prove to the new boss my capabilities and loyalty. After all, I am just a newbie...