Hurt

I was feeling a bit "zombie" this morning as I had a late night sleep last night. Not very late, but still I am lacking of sleep these days. How can I get myself to sleep when I finally have my own space and privacy after working for such a long hours in a day? While enjoying my own space and privacy, I have to sacrifice my sleep. Which could be the wrong choice as it not only affect my health, it also affect my performance at work.

If only you would sleep with me?!

Sigh. Nothing can be perfect.

Anyway, back to the morning. I was getting down from the monorail platform at the Raja Chulan station. While walking down the staircase, I suddenly heard someone down there shouted out really loud.

"Aduh!" That's what I heard.

Curious. I quickly leaned over to see what happened down there. There were three men. One man (not very young. Maybe early 40.) lying down on his chest using his hands covering his face. Another young man was pressing the man (who was lying on the floor) on the neck so he wouldn't get up. And the third man was basically kicking the first man's body. Violently!

I was shocked! And the man kept on kicking and kicking. He wouldn't stop. Then I noticed all the people just stood there at the staircase. Most in fear. Some were shocked too. Nobody dare to move down the stair fearing that they might be kicked or bullied as well. And nobody yelled or screamed or anything to stop the man from hurting that old man.

Oh, please don't hurt me!

I couldn't bring myself to watch further. So I stop looking down at the scene and waited in hope that it will all be over soon. But no, it never stop any sooner. I could still hear the sound of kicking. And I was very disturbed, or even hurt by the violent sound that beating the body of the old man. And then I leaned over again and try to see how's the victim. To my horror, I saw blood. SHIT! And the man was kicking the old man face. And head! Ouch, my heart bleed and I feel like I wanna vomit. And that's not all, the kicker also used his half-smoked cigarette and burn the victim's body.

Such inhumane and savage acts!!! I couldn't believe what I had seen. But it's real. And I feel so bad that I don't know what to do. Blood was everywhere on the floor. After a few minutes, the "terrorist" then fled. Then only the people start walking down the stair and ran as quickly as they could away from the scene. So was I. I did turned my head back to see how the victim, he was sitting on the floor. And what I could only see is blood all over his face. My heart ached.

I wonder what was actually happened. What have the old man done to deserve such a "punishment"? Owe people money? A snatch thief? A rapist? A serial killer? A Liar? And those young men who were so daring to commit such crime in the public bashing people at a crowded monorail station. And they did not give a fucking damn to those crowd who was witnessing the crime they were committing. Hatred blinded their humanity? I have no idea.

But to have witnessed such incident, I feel sad. Not that I do not know there are human who are inhumane. Many movies has shown pretty much of such violent scenes. But to have witnessed it with my own eyes in reality, it really makes me ill. I also feel a little angry. That these people has violated the hope for peace and humanity.

Ouch, it hurts!

I later learned from my colleagues that policemen arrived at the scene. Someone must have contacted them. Thank goodness!! But I still do not know what happened actually that caused the bashing and such. I feel sad, bad. Gosh, what happened?! It hurts!

Bullets From The Mouth

It's all started with just a small mis-understanding. And then things got worse. No one is giving in, and in no time both of them were quarreling in the office. Ooh, screaming and yelling. I can't believe this whole drama was really happening in real life, in my own office.

No more drama!

I am not sure if I am weird or what, but I sure like to watch people arguing. Cat fights is even better. Imagine two women quarreling. Gosh, I am always amazed by how fast they could speak as if shooting bullets after bullets out of their mouth aiming to kill their opponents. I guess most probably they never really think properly. They just said what they want to say to make them feel better.

Feeling better?!

But I love to watch Nora and Kitty in "Brothers and Sisters" arguing over something. They could talk so fast that I sometime (alright all the time) don't really understand what they're trying to defend about. Or maybe Karen and Rosario in "Will and Grace" yelling at each other at the same time which I doubt if they could really listen to each other. I always wonder why after that they always ended up hugging each other. Guess quarreling does make them feels better?!

Bring it on!

But I don't like to quarrel nor yell. I always turned around and left. Just leave me alone in peace. To me, quarreling can be so destructive that something we said can't be taken back. So I better keep my mouth shut and find some way to release my anger. Like singing out loud. So gay, I know!

Being Mr. Imperfect

Yes, I guess I have successfully learn how to be the Mr. Imperfect. To hell with what other people think or say about me, but I am gonna be who I feel like I want to be. And you hear me right, I want to be the person I FEEL like I want to be.

That's the way I like it.

If you ask me if I am the person who I want to be? Certainly, the answer is no. I am someone who always wanted to be better, even though I don't think I am a perfectionist. I want to be good. Be successful. Bee the one who is looked up by people. Be better and better. No doubt I have seen a lot of good people with good attributes and personalities. And I thought I should learn to be like them. And that I should constantly improve myself and be that better person.

Hahaha... I was so innocent and naive.

I certainly tried hard to improve myself and really put a lot of efforts to force myself to change this and that. Be discipline. Be nice to others. Always help others. Talk softly and gently. Always put myself in others' shoes. And I guess at certain point of time, I suddenly feel sick of all those trying and pushing myself. So I gave up. Not really sure why, but I think I am tired of being someone good or flawless. It's funny why I would want to impress people while torturing myself last time.

I'm sick of all these shits.

So I stop being the Mr. Try-To-Be-Perfect. Not that I chose to be a bad person. But I certainly don't want to give too much hope and expectation to others anymore. Or I don't wanna be the goody-good person. It's hard really. Sick of working too hard to impress my boss. Sick of fake-smiling when that colleagues making fun of my works. Sick of pretending I am ok with certain things when I hate it. Sick of trying to be nice when you feel like wanting to bark at those stupid people who don't even know that they pissed you off. Sick of being betrayed. Sick of being too nice that people think you have hidden agenda.

Even sick of being gay. The fear, the uncertainties, the rejection, the disappointment... Now tell me why am I not a pessimist?

Life is a life-long battle-field.

Tired and exhausted. Enjoy life? I really gotta learn how.

Goodbye, Heath Ledger!

I was shocked to have seen the breaking news declaring that this talented actor was found dead in an apartment. I first know him, of course, through the movie "Brokeback Mountain". Later on, I also enjoyed the movie "Casanova" which he is the Casanova in the movie.


Well, even though I am not a really BIG fan of him, he sure is a good actor. And surely this world has lost another good actor and good man. It's like the sky is missing another star. He'll surely be missed.


May he rest in peace...

Teach

During lunch time one of my female colleague asked me if I would teach anyone to play piano. Well, two questions pop up in my mind. First, how the hell does she knows I play piano well enough to teach? Second, why the hell she wants me to teach her? I wonder.

Hmm... how does she know?

Anyway, without much hesitation, I told her I don't teach anyone piano. Seriously, I doubt if I am a good teacher. I tried teaching some kids how to play piano before. They're between Grade 1 to Grade 3 (when I was just a grade 5). And the experience was horrible. Not only was I do not have a clue on how to teach, I also hate the fact about different students have different attitudes and the teacher was suppose to motivate them to play more and practice more. Duh! I couldn't even motivate myself to teach, please!

So, no I don't teach people how to play piano (even though one of my ambition when I was young is to become a piano teacher). And today, since my seniors (colleague) were away for vacation, I have to help out the juniors who are still young and fresh, with their projects in hands. Well, I am pretty free these days since the jobs assigned to me are not very urgent. So I thought I could help them a bit.

Need a hand?!

I thought it's gonna be easy just to give them some instruction or two to make them move their hands on the computer keyboard and do whatever necessary. But when problems occur, one of the junior (who is well-known to be very 'slow') could not solve it. Well, being his senior (for the moment) I patiently asked him to show me how he debug the system error. I let him do whatever necessary while I sat beside him observing. And after for like 5 minutes, I still couldn't get what was he trying to do. He basically look here and there, scrolling the page up and down. Curious, I asked him what was he trying to do. And guess what he said?

"I am not sure myself."

I was like "Oh my goodness!". Although he is a fresh-grad, he works in the company for almost half a year. And still not sure how to debug a system error? *Fainted* So I have to guide him step by step. Finding the root cause of the system error. And that was really testing my patience. You might not hear me yelling or screaming when trying to teach the junior. But I found myself frowning while talking (or teaching) him feeling irritated and annoyed. I am so bad, I know. My concern is if one can't even master the basic skill, how can one survive a bigger storm ahead?!

I don't think I am a good teacher.

Surely I have to put more efforts on this junior. At least until he could stand on his own feet without being too dependent on others. And once again I found myself in the role of teaching. Perhaps it's time to improve my teaching skills and leadership skills. Who knows, I might eventually become a piano teacher some day?

Quarter of a Century

Quarter of a century. This year I'm gonna be living for 25 years. How wonderful and how blessed I am, I realized. I wanted to feel as if I'm just someone in their 20's. But the figure '25' really makes me feel uncomfortable. It's getting far away from the number '20' and getting nearer to the number '30'. And I could feel the time is passing by slowly while my cells are dying and new cells are created within my body every seconds, every minutes.

Cells dying and recreating...

Being a person who worry over thing easily, I questioned myself about what I have achieved and what haven't I done now. It's like my youth is gonna be over soon and I still have little time to do many things. And I know that I should start appreciate my youth and maybe do something I am really proud of or happy about. So that when I am old enough, I could think back and, at least, put a smile on my face.

Come to think of it, at this age, I have nothing much. No car, no house, no lover, no money, no nothing. I guess the only thing I have is my youth, my friends and my family. At this moment, it really makes me think what I should do now. Keep on living the life like how I live now? Or do something more than that? Not that I am not happy now. Human is always yearning for more. Greedy and curiosity makes us improve and progress. And I guess over the past few years, I have learned how to be contend with what I have. Sadly, it also makes me not to expect too much or not being too demanding. Guess that also makes me 'static' and pathetically boring and dull.

Life's boring lately!

I don't know. Sometime life can be so confusing. Asking for more seems to be greedy, and being a person with no desire can be so unattractive and lame. Perhaps living a life is to find the fine line between these two extremes and not fall too deep into any of the two categories. I'm not sure. Sometime it's just so hard to draw the line. And normally I ended up not to think too much and go with the flow. Indecisive, I know! And with that, I guess I am wasting my time.

I've gotta do something 'bout it!

And I know, I really have to do something about my life.

Matt Long

I am trying not to start my post with 'I', yet I guess I just did it. Never mind!

Anyway, let me introduce to you my new crush - Matt Long.

Matt Long

Sweet and adorable, isn't he?! I just watched this movie "Sydney White" and gosh, the first minute he appeared on the screen, I told myself :"This is gonna be a great and fun movie!". And yes, it is! Not only because Amanda Bynes is doing great as the leading actress, it is also because I got to see this yummy Matt Long half naked!! Oh did I not faint?! Look at the following:

Anyone can lend me a toothpaste?

Oh yes I know! He's not all very hunky and muscular or whatever, but I would melt in his arms or on his chest. Don't mind being hug by him without the towel and the err... boxer?l! Fine. I shall leave my fantasy with me. Anyway, he's cute!

One of the reason I love watching chic-flick is because of these young fresh men I gotta look at. They're so yummy! I still remember movies like "10 things I hate about you", "Cinderella", "She's the man", "Coyote Ugly", "Center Stage", "Just My Luck" and other wonderful chic-flicks. Oh, I think I can watch them over and over again. Just because of those cute guys! Gosh, where the hell did they find those fresh men?! And this movie "Sydney White", has just quenched my thirst of watching new and fabulous chic-flick.



Typical chic-flick movie with cat-fights, yummy-licious fresh men, and happy ending. Oh that's the kind of movie I like.

And that's not all. Look at the following part of the movie how Tyler (Matt Long) asked Sydney (Amanda Bynes) out for a date.



Aww... so sweet, right?! How I wish my prince chamring would do that to me. Guess I will be singing "Only in my dreams..." again.

I'm Just Jealous

T'was Friday and I thought I should pamper myself a little after working so 'hard' for the weekdays (yeah right, I can always find reasons to pamper myself!). So I ajak a few colleagues to watch movie at The Pavilion. Initially, I decided to watch the 'Gabriel', later on we thought 'Cloverfield' might be interesting. But after watching the trailer, we thought we might get head-ache after the movie. So we finally decided to watch 'Mad Money'.

I sure know how to pamper myself!

Oh, I am so not gonna talk about the movie. If you wanna know something about it, the movie is not impressing but entertaining. If you like chic-flick, then you'll like it. Anyway, that's not the point. The point is I saw this guy, a Caucasian (yes, call me a potato queen or whatever you like!), wearing white with pink stripe long sleeve shirt, and normal dark pant, looking good with his sparkling eyes, sharp-nose and well-shaved chin. Ooh, gorgeous! I saw him when we were on our way to walk into the cinema hall. He was standing beside the place where we can buy food and drink (what do you call that again?!) waiting for someone. An eye-candy for me, obviously! But I have to pass, as we were quite late for the show.

Hot hunk spotted!

So I got into the hall, wondering if that guy will be watching the same movie. When The movie start, I almost forgot everything about him. Not until when the movie ended, everyone was standing up and leaving. So I stood up, turned around, and saw that same familiar guy who was still sitting right behind me. And he was with another lady who (to me) does not look like a fair lady. She looks more like a maid (and I stress, "looks like"!). OK OK, now I already feel bad and guilty for saying that! But don't get me wrong! I am not saying that the lady is ugly or worthless! Everyone's beautiful in his/her own way. But that charming guy (who almost look like a star celebrity to me) I adore, with that normal, plain, not so outstanding lady?! I just don't see how they could get together.

I mean, I won't have anything to say if he was with a gorgeous beautiful fair lady. Obviously, with the look he has, thousands of ladies (or gentlemen) would be dying to be with him. But this lady?! And that make me ponder. Maybe this (maid look-a-like) lady has something special. Great personality? Inner beauty? That captured this prince charming's heart. No offence! Maybe I watched too much drama series or movies which they most of the time (if not always) put gorgeous hunk and beautiful lady as a couple. And I have not watch Ugly Betty yet. So still not got used to the fact that prince charming will fall head over heel for a normal, not-so-pretty lady. Yes, who knows ugly duckling one day would become an elegant swan? And even snow white (who was a servant/maid at home) find his white-horse prince at the end.

I am your prince charming, sweetheart!

And about that lady with that gorgeous man I saw, who am I to judge? Maybe I am just jealous! I think I am. Gosh, I'm a bitch! *Slap myself three times* Now, I am not so handsome nor good-looking myself. So when will I get to meet my prince charming?! Hmm... I guess only in my dreams.

Blessed with Male Images

I've been collecting male images. You are so blind if you visited my blog frequently yet don't know this fact. Some enjoy the beauty of those males images, some other just too afraid to even type the URL above fearing that anyone might have passed by from behind and caught them surfing gay porn sites or something like that.

Anyway, I have to admit I first collected male images since I was introduced to the internet. Various kind of male photos nude or non-nude, porn or non-porn. I just download them and save it into a folder. Within a few months, that folder was full of un-organized messy male images. At first I kind of enjoy watching the images pressing next button using the window image viewer. But when the photos are getting more, it's just too tiring to view them. And it takes longer time to even open that over-sized folder.

Thanks to the advancement of technologies. Now not only we have bigger space and faster processors, we also have better quality photos for our collection. So now, having tonnes of blogs posting high-quality photos, I could spend hours and hours surfing on the internet enjoying and downloading those images. And now I am being very choosy! Images which are too small or too low-quality won't be downloaded. The bigger the better! Now size does matter to me, in this case! So I can have better view! Duh?!

Not sure for how long I will keep downloading and collecting. I feel that one day I will delete them all and poof they all gone. Come on, there are too many nice photos to be downloaded. How can I possibly download them all? Yet, I am still surfing and downloading. Stuffing my limited disk-space with big-size image files. Not even bother to organize them or sort them accordingly.

I guess I am just greedy! It's like eating a lot of ice-cream even though you know it will make you fat! Oh, I forgot, I can hardly get fat. I know, I am so blessed!

The Piano Tuner

It was that boring Tuesday afternoon that I received a phone call from a total stranger (well, a lady in fact) who informed me that my piano has not been tuned since decades ago and whether I want to have someone tune my old, rotten and dusted piano for me the next day. Having to work the next day and I don't want my piano to be tuned (or screwed) without me, I requested the piano tuner to be delivered to my home this weekend. Delivered? Ooh, sounds like ordering an escort or gigolo?!

So you want me?!

Not very pleased with my request, she compromisingly said she will try to arrange and request the piano tuner come over to my house this Saturday, which I responded :"It's better be 10 in the morning! 'Cause after that I might need to go out (on a date)!" Hell, I don't even have a boyfriend to begin with. I'm such a bitch! But really, to have someone come over to my house and steal my space and privacy for like an hour on Saturday is really a big compromise for me. So, I have to be bitchy a bit. 10am, settle it fast and leave me alone!

So this morning, I woke around 9am. Thought of waking up a bit earlier, but I have a late night sleep last night so... you know. Over-sleep a bit on Saturday morning isn't a sin. So once I got up, I have to tidy up my room a bit (yes, my piano is in my room). Ain't gonna let a total stranger be shocked to enter a gay room finding too many porn stashes or wall full with half-naked hunky stud wall-paper. Oh no, I'm just kidding. I don't stick hunky wallpaper on the wall nowadays. That was so "last-time"! I keep all my sexy hunky-licious men in my computer. So I just need to off the computer. And maybe keep my wardrobe closed tight at all time to avoid anyone sense any gayness from there. You know, what one wears tell a lot about one's personality and who one is. Blah... Luckily my room was not that messy. So it just took me awhile to get everything "in order". And so I waited.

While waiting, I can't help but to imagine who will be the piano tuner? An old uncle with big belly? Eeew... or a skinny young lad who wears t-shirt and baggy jeans? Nooo!!! I can't recall I see any piano tuner in any movie I watched. I have a general idea of how a piano player will look like (recalling from so many movies I watched in my entire life). Movies like "The Pianist", "The Legend of 1900", "Food of Love"... most of them are not hunky, not very good-looking too. But no doubt they're talented. They use their hands to impress people. Every little fingers of theirs make wonders and magic! And a piano tuner? Hmm... who would want to know about a life of a piano tuner?! And that leave me with a lot of imagination.

Oh, who will he be like?

Forget about the uncle look and skinny lad. I would want to think of him as someone like John Barrowman. Oh no, not John! He's just too good for that! Excuse my obsession with him lately. Ermmm... let's see. A piano tuner should have a bulky arms. Oh yes, tuning the string of the piano needs some strength at the arms. Oh and he should know to at least play a simple song if not a piano grade 8 student. Maybe someone with perfect pitch even a slight out of tune with make his ears move a bit?! Or someone who can play by ear? You know, listen to a tune and he can play that song instantly?! Maybe not, just a piano tuner doesn't mean he is a jazz player!

And I also thought about what should I do with the piano tuner? Watching him tune the piano from behind? Oh, unless he's half-naked I don't mind staring a hunky stud's back. Ryan Barry or Reichen. Both are good. Or join him in tuning the piano? You know, help him press the key and he check on the vibration of the key sound and tune accordingly. Maybe somewhere in between we would accidentally touch each other. No? Or maybe a few eyes-staring and a few smiles will have my door room closed and we would "tuned" each other off?

Yeah, come on baby!

Urgh, boring! If only the piano tuner look anyone like Chris Evans or Chad White, I don't mind working my way down at his lower body while he's tuning my piano. Or grab him from behind, turn him around and stuck my hot wet tongue down his throat and suck it hard! Oh, that would be so much more than just a french-kiss! OK, that's just too much! The piano tuner won't be a Caucasian, sadly.

Anyway, while fantasizing what kind of man he will be like, the doorbell rang and he's here. OMG, not having my hair combed yet, I quickly grabbed a cap and put it on my head to hide my messy hair and reached for the door. Damned, why was I fucking care about how I look?! I opened the door and there he was standing there with a smile on his face. Err... no, not what I have expected. Just plain young dude who wears nicely. Not only because I am not into Asian, but there was nothing from him that I am attracted to. From face, down to his body... no... not my type. I invited him into the room and let him do whatever he needs to do with my piano. And all those fantasies... pooh and they're all gone! It was like waking up from a dream and all hopes suddenly disappear...

I hate the fact that reality and fantasy are always SO different!

John Barrowman

Not only am I being amazed by his gorgeous and hunky outlook, I am also being blown away by his beautiful voice that can simple take my breath away. That's not all. Not only he can sing, he can also act. Being the leading man in the British series - Torchwood, he basically is a multi-talent person that really inspire me a lot. Really, he is an inspiration for me now.

Openly gay and proud, he showed me that eventually one's sexual orientation doesn't really matter at the end. Just make sure you live your life fully and make yourself a better person each day. And the way he perform in every show I managed see (at youtube), he was enjoying and give the best of him to the audience.


I also got the chance to see the interview of him by Charlotte Church, gosh, I am so fall for with him. His great personality, the sense of humour, that gorgeous smile and cheering laughters, he seriously is the ideal husband or boyfriend I am looking for. Too bad he already happily living with his long-lasting partner, Scott Gill. Lucky him!

Anyway, I feel really great that there's someone like him in the world. He has make the world such a wonderful place. Oh goodness, his sweet sweet voice! I can listen over and over again without feeling bored. Watch the following clips. Love'em so much!

John Barrowman - Sound of Musicals - I Am What I am


I have been listening to this song repeatedly. In the office, at home, whenever I am free. I will log on to youtube and play this clip enjoying him singing and performing. I feel that I am lifted every time I listen to him singing this song. He has such powerful and convincing voice that touch my heart. Yes, I am touched by his voice. Maybe because this song is really meaningful and it's easy for me to relate my life to the song. That's why every time I listen, I feel like singing out loud together with him:"Hey World! I Am... What... I Am......!"

John Barrowman - Sound of Musicals - Maria


I feel nervous for him the first time I watch this clips. It's such a difficult song to perform. Yet he did fantastically well and right at the end... that soft voice really like the ringing bell that just take my breath away. He deserve a standing ovation from me for this amazing performance!

You're great, John Barrowman! And like what he always like to say :"You're HOT HOT HOT!"

I Ain't Tame

As usual, I was rushing to wash my face, brush my teeth and groom myself up before I head to work. When I was about to gel my hair, I suddenly realized that my hair-gel has gone. My heart was shouting, "Gosh, not at this time!" Trying to think hard if I have misplaced it somewhere else, but I was quite certain that the hair-gel has not been moved nor taken away to anywhere else by me. Running out of time, I quickly used my sister's hair-gel instead and got myself out of home to the office.

Where the hell has it been?

On the way to my office, I keep thinking where have I placed my gel. Then I suspect it must be taken by my brother who went to genting highland with his friends who have been staying a night before at our home. I am quite pissed off because usually my brother would've told me if he used my thing. But this time he told me nothing and take my thing away. I am so gonna lecture him when he got back home tonight.

So, just now when I got finally home, I confronted him about my hair-gel. I told him it is very rude of him to take my thing away without getting my consent and very irresponsible too for not informing me. Luckily I found some gel to gel-up my hair. Otherwise, I surely would have a BAD-HAIR-DAY! To my surprise, he told me that he was not the one who taken my gel, but it was his friend who took my gel away. And he thought the hair-gel is belong to his friend. So he said nothing to his friend.

I was shocked! And fucking pissed-off!

Who the hell are those people?! Now I am getting more furious! My brother taking away my thing is still considered small matter, as we were close. So I won't be that angry if he just take away my thing like that. Now his friends took away my gel, without my knowledge, without my consent, and never fucking inform me nor my brother?! That's too much! And they have fucking CROSSED THE LINE! What are they thinking?! Am I THAT "friendly"? Gosh, I wonder what did they learn about manner in school?!

How dare you cross the line?!

I started to suspect now am I being too good to people? I think I appear to be too kind and too good. And yes, I have bad bad bad experiences in life about people taking advantages of me or take me for granted. Shit! I hate it. And deep in my heart, I must admit I fucking curse them so cruelly that I don't remember who I was at that moment of time. It's like I have been taken over by the evil-spirit. A witch that cast spells and curse people to hell.

Try to piss me off, I would give you a fake smile. Don't worry I won't stab you from behind but don't expect me to be kind nor simply give in and forgive. For I am not a Saint. I have a sinful soul and don't make me lose control over the evil side of me. Lucky them, I still have myself under control and didn't yell nor shout at them just now. But I surely would warn my brother about his friends. Next time, I won't be that kind!

I'm not that kind!

Please, treat others like how you want to be treated!

Procrastinating

I am putting myself in a very dangerous situation. Yes, very dangerous that I could've ended my life if I were to allow myself to step any further. OK, I am exaggerating. Not that serious actually. But I am risking my job. Why? Procrastination!

Dangerous!

I think the next time when I go for a job interview and were asked what's my strength and weakness, my answer would be :

"My strength is procrastinating and my weakness is my strength!"

How about that? Certainly being kicked out of the interview room without any further questions despite my gorgeous outlook (after few hours of grooming, almost done a plastic surgery if necessary) and fantastic resume. But come to think of it seriously, I am quite impressed how good I am in procrastinating!

I can blame the fact that it's the end of the year and it has been quite a lot of holidays lately that keep me "no mood" to work. I swear most if not all of my colleague were lazing off in the office as well, pretending to be busy, but I KNOW, I FUCKING KNOW (did I stress that enough?!), that they are NOT as busy as they seem because most of them were so busy typing in the small colourful messenger chatting box. How I know? Simply because I am chatting with them.

Knowing the fact that we might be caught red-handed chatting in the office (which used to be prohibited and the company never announce that it is allowed now), yet we still wanna take the risk and chatting our way from morning till lunch.... and then lunch till the end of the working day. I guess we all like adventures. Some risks, and those excitement of getting away from punishment... oh we are so well-trained to break the rules!

I need no rules!

The funny thing is we never really chat about something serious or exchanging jokes, or gossip. Normally we would just say how boring we are, how sleepy we are and counting down the hours until the end of the working day. Boring I know! I guess programmers are like that! So you see, obviously we have some other things to do beside chatting. Of course, for me, I listen to music! Thank goodness the company allow us to listen to music. Some company forbid their staff to listen to music. I have no idea why! Anyway, I can enjoy the music for hours without feeling bored. Now I realize I have a few gigs of mp3s in my company pc. That can keep me busy for the whole day already.

At the end, works are not being done, and they pile up day by day. Until the deadline is near, you will find me burying my head into the computer (ok, I am exaggerating again!) and work my ass off to finish all the works I have been neglecting. Last minutes job. Yes, I think I am good at it as well. Reminds me of university life where we always do last minute work to finish of our assignment, last minute revision before heading to the exam hall... all last minutes. Guess I am well trained to do last minute thing.

Anyone can give us a ride to wherever you're heading to?!

However, to kids out there, never do things at the last minute, you will never know what you might got yourself into. Having said that, I guess I should start taking my 'working mood' back as soon as possible before I lose my job and wandering in the street begging for money. Or perhaps you'll see me standing by the road hitch-hiking... the Malaysian Gigolo, anyone?

To Touch and Be Touched

Not talking about touching someone's body part or being touched by someone at the wrong place at the wrong time. I have to admit though, a potential pervert like me always fantasizing about being touched by a hot hunk. Well, nothing wrong about fantasizing or day-dreaming. I hope I am not obsessing with those fantasies.

So where do you want me to touch, boy?

Anyway, I am talking about being touched, at the heart, by something or by someone. Lately I have been selecting some romantic, heart-warming, touching movies or drama series to watch. Just to be touched again, by the sweet romantic prince charming, or by the outstanding performance of a couple singing duet "All I ask of you"... Come on, even watching Mariah Carey singing can be touching as well. And yes, I watch chic-flick too! Some of the stories can be so touching (even though, yes, I know they are mostly UNREAL!)

I am coming to touch you, sweetheart!

Oh you should know how much I like to watch Oprah! I still remember watching Oprah EVERYDAY after I graduate from university before I got my first job. I basically switch on the TV everyday at 1pm Astro channel 70 just to watch the Oprah interviewing some extraordinary people. Not to mention she likes to give surprises to the guest and the audience. Each and every episode she is giving away something to the audience. Gosh, she must be SO rich! And every time when she realize someone's dream and talk about them, it always makes me cry like a stupid baby.

Don't cry, baby!

And so after stepping into this working hell-ish world, I don't even have the chance to watch that show anymore. So I guess "Brothers & Sisters" really is a good substitute for Oprah show. Family drama, yes, always touching and I love it to the max. I know, at times there's heart-breaking moment, but I guess that's life. That makes the show more realistic and easy for me to relate to.

It's really easy, sometime, to be touched by a good movies or performance. But I also have been thinking about if I have ever touched someone's heart in my life? Or if I have ever been touched by anyone with his/her kindness and/or wonderful deed? Not much I guess. I still remember I have this friend of mine. We were pretty close. We sent sms to each other when anyone of us facing big challenges. It was really memorable. Some of the touching sms I still keep as a memory for me to cherish. Yes, sometime a simple sms of concern, or encouragement, can be very touching and powerful.

I remember spending hours to write an inspiring poem for my friends so that they see hope in life. I remember pressing on my phone's keypad for don't know how long typing motivating sms to friends. And I felt great. It's like creating hopes in life and spreading loves and cares to the people around you. And the replies were most of the time touching as well. And I missed those times.

Those memories...

Why never keeping the habit? I guess working life is different. I don't have much time to write. Not even have a few seconds to think about inspiring poems or sms. Mostly what I want to do is get my work done or steal some times to rest and enjoy myself. It's amazing how working can take over a lot of our time and blind us from who we really are! You see, I have been (unconsciously) thinking about my whole life. And I guess I still don't really know myself. Not sure of what I really want, who I really want to be and how I wanna live my life. Still like a kid needing someone to guide and lead me to the right direction.

Where should I go from here?

Well, I am still young. Guess I have a lot more time to search for my true-self.

The Best Gay Bloggers for 2007

Definitely never consider myself to be the best blogger ever. Considering the fact that I always running out of idea to post another new entry everyday, I am just too far from being the best blogger. I am not as creative as some other better bloggers out there seriously. Well, somehow someone still like to pay a visit at my blog and I always welcome them with open arms. Of course, some like my blog, some aren't impressed.

Anyway, certainly Erik from www.restoringlove.com likes my blog and included me in his special project of "The Best Gay Bloggers for 2007". I am thankful.



Certainly, I think this is fun. I got to choose the best post of the year and share it with readers from the whole wide world. Well, that's why we write post everyday, right? To share our thoughts.

Shut Up

Sometime I just don't understand this people.

As if I care...

It was lunchtime and all of us rushed out of the office as if we've not been eating for ages. But I was really starving as I didn't take my breakfast today. Why not? Simply because I over-slept. Thanks for the long holiday which makes me sleep late and wake up late. I need a few days to get me right back on track.

Anyway, back to the lunchtime. So we were all walking on our way to the destination when I over-heard my colleagues' conversation who were walking behind me.

Colleague A : Look at Ryan. He's been dressing up lately.
Colleague B : Really?
Colleague A : Come on! Look at his hair-style. A little different than usual.
Colleague B : Oh! (Then loudly) Does he really need to dress up?! He's gonna go for his concert meh?!

What now?! You have problem with how I look, Mister?!

I pretended I didn't hear them. But that stupid colleague A then shouted at me and told me what Colleague B has just said. Well, instead of glaring at them with my evil eyes and bombing them with "SHUT YOUR BIG MOUTH UP!", I jokingly said unless my current outlook scare people off, I think I am gonna keep it as I think I am comfortable with how I look like now.

Deep in my heart, I am fucking pissed off!

I mean, what's wrong with dressing up? What's wrong with trying to look good and look better? I have to admit, in my office, most of my colleagues DO NOT care about their outlook. Well, not that they dress badly. But they just don't dress up like I do. They would just wear collared t-shirt and a pair of jeans. Occasionally, they would wear long-sleeve shirt and pant ONLY when the boss informed them in advance that they need to attend a meeting the next day. As for me, I wear long-sleeve shirt and long dark pant everyday except Friday (when I allow myself to be more casual). Which I think that makes me the odd one.

But then again, come on, if you don't want to dress up and wanna be casual, I don't give a fucking damn. Nice or not, I won't critic nor comment. But splashing a whole pail of cold water at me just because I dress up does not make any sense to me. Worse still, it makes me feel like dressing up is wrong and weird. Fuck that! I don't remember I commented anyone in the office dress badly but I do give compliment to those that I think they dress nicely, well-groomed and looking good. And I think dressing up nicely is a manner. It's also a way for us to show respect to our customer or whoever we meet.

That's the way I like it...

And that ignorant colleague of mine trying to bring me down by questioning why the need to dress up? Only if he was my junior, I would have lectured him the whole afternoon until the end of the working day and made him attend a grooming lesson/class! Although he's well-known to be the most good-looking man in our office, I am not impressed. Simply because I am a 'potato-queen'. Guess I am lucky in that sense.

Prayers (On New Year)

I pray...