For You I Will

Friends have been very important to me, especially when I am still a single person without any special someone that I could hold on to every time I need him. And sometime I think I'd given too much to my friends, that some of them mis-interpret my intention, especially girls. Yeah they thought I fall for them. I was being too kind and nice. That's what they said.

And so I've learned, not to be too kind to anyone.

Anyway, being nice and kind is not wrong though. I wrote inspiring poems to my friends. I send motivating emails or messages to my friends. I even thought of baking cakes to my friends once a while to cheer them up (which I haven't done because I still think the cake is not so nicely done yet!). I even practice to play a very difficult piano pieces for my best friends.

I still remember after I managed to play the song well, I grabbed a chance and play and dedicated the song to them. Just to let them know that I really appreciate the friendship and I will play for them whenever they need me to. Gosh, I still remember I practice on my piano until my fingers bled. Yes, I was crazy! I could tell they're touched! And I am happy to know they're touched.

So you want me to be kind, or not so kind?

Following to that difficult pieces, I challenged another Franz Liszt works - Liebestraum No 3. Thought I could play that song during my friend's wedding. Too bad I don't have enough time to practice to make it on his wedding ceremony. But never mind, it is the heart that matters most!

Sometime I feel it is very unfair! I am willing to do so many things for my friends, but none of them will ever do those things for me. I know it is not right to wish for something in return. But that was just a wishful thinking. One thing for sure is that knowing them being touched and happy makes me happy too. And I guess watching them happier is a good return for me already. So once in a while when I am free, I always give some surprises for my friends. May it be a touching sms, a simple call just to say hi or a motivating poem.

Lately I saw this video clips of Michael Buble - Everything. I love it so much. Every time I watch the clip, I always assume he is singing the song for me. And it is very nice and sweet. The way he sings, the way he smiles, the way his eyes looking at me... oh, I am so melting away... And suddenly he's my everything! Hahaha... I wanna hug him and kiss him!!!

Your every line, your every word, your everything...

*Sigh...*

So when will I meet that special someone who'll be singing for me...

This Saturday

"So you're going back this Monday morning?"

"Yea. It sucks whenever I think about it."

"Why? I thought you enjoyed your life there?"

"Not really. Long working hours, different cultures and others. Still not get used to the new environment"

"You're there for like a 2 or 3 months already. Still have the culture shock?"

"Yeah. It's the long working hour that is just terrible..."

Silence sneaked in.

I was sitting right beside him (let's call him Gregory) in the car. He drove me home again today after attending a house-warming party at one of our colleague's new home. I kept asking questions just so that we could talk. Didn't really matter if the topics were very important or not. But at least we talked. Instead of us focusing only on the road and listening to the Mix FM radio. That kind of silence between us would make me feel very odd and awkward.

I forgot how we met and first talked to each other. But he's quite a "happening" person in the office. Very friendly and out-going. Later I found out we're coming from the same hometown to work in this KL city. Perhaps that's why we got along easily and become quite close these days.

We flirt around sometime. Not most of the time actually. Even though he has another so-called "boyfriend" (let's call him Justin) in the same company, lately he has found a new "boyfriend", that's me. And the three of us got along very well. But he is the most flirtatious one. He could flirt with Justin or with me. But Justin never flirt with me. Hahaha... Justin is so straight that he's already got a girlfriend. But we're good with each other.

Sorry, but I am straight.

So Gregory and Justin was assigned to work in other country. Lately they came back to Malaysia for a week to re-new their working permit. Actually with or without them here is the same. After all, thanks to the technologies, we always chatted with each other through the net. And I being the naughty one always send some stupid messages over just to kacau (disturb) them. And they would response with some stupid emoticon which I always thought they were just too busy to type and reply my message. I don't really care anyway.

But then there's this one day where I was really not in a good mood. I mean, I was in a really bad mood. I forget why I was so pissed off. So I yelled (I mean I sent some very angry messages) at Gregory for no reasons. He was like very shocked and scared of me. Then I realized I was the one being out of control, I apologized for my inexcusable rude behaviour. He, always being the kind person always forgive and forget. And then we talk. No, not the lovey-dovey talk. Heart-to-heart talk.

So are you gonna talk to me, baby?

He told me about his situation there. Relationship between colleagues, stressful life he has there, of how tension when the due date was around the corner and the work was just overwhelming. Internet really gave us this medium to have this kind of conversation. I doubt he would discuss such thing when we're face-to-face. Normally he would just laugh it off and pretend nothing happen if I were to ask him about how he really are these days right at his face.

I mean guys are like that. We don't really discuss our feelings or personal stuff with friends. Well, except those really really good friends. Not face-to-face. No pillow talk. Wonder if it is a self-defense or self-pride.

And so we talked that day. Not very long. But longer than our usual meaningless conversation. And one point I felt honoured as he was willing to share his own feelings and problems with me. That means he believes me. I still remember at the end of our conversation he told me not to tell anyone about what our conversation. I wanted to laugh, but I told him that I won't tell anyone and he had my words.

And so he's back now in Malaysia. We could hardly talk. Perhaps he was too busy with work. I still sent him stupid annoying messages to him even we're in the same office. (OK, I was just so freaking boring that time. ) And he still reply me with that same old stupid emoticon.

And I was in that same car with him. Having the meaningless conversation trying to be as normal we could be. Never did anyone of us mentioned about the conversation we had through the internet. Deep down inside, we know we're good friends. But we just don't express ourselves. Guys don't do that. You know I know, that's enough.

We're just friends.

I thanked him for the ride and asked him to drive carefully home. It'll be another few months till I meet him again.

That Saturday Noon

Saturday afternoon has never been this uneasy for him. He was lying in the sofa trying to read the not-so-interesting novel he bought a few days back. Normally, he should be enjoying himself sipping hot boiled green-tea while reading in this beautiful sunny day. Occasionally, he would look out of the window and seeing cars passing by or enjoying the scenes of leaves falling down from the trees while birds singing A-Capella. But that particular Saturday seems different. No green-tea. Even the afternoon spring-breeze could not comfort him anyway.

Relaxing in the beautiful Saturday noon.

Still holding the book in his hands, his mind was somewhere else. He was not reading. He was thinking and imagining what it will be like later in the evening. His heart beat was faster than usual whenever he thought about it. He could not concentrate on the book. He look at the heart-shaped with red border clock on the wall and realized that there was few more hours away until 6pm.

Suddenly he panicked, "What should I wear?!"

He immediately put down the book on the small white table beside him, getting himself up from the sofa and rushed into his bedroom. He switched on the light, walked to his wardrobe and open the slide-door. He could see his shirt from plain colour to those with flowery pattern shirt hanging there inside. His pants, all slack or khakis, were neatly folded and stack beneath the shirts. He hate this - the mix-and-match game.

"No! Not too formal." He told himself, "This one seems ok. But how about this long sleeve purple round neck shirt? Hmm... no no... I look too thin in it. Next one!"

Taking the shirt out one by one from the closet and threw them on his single bed, he could not decide which one is the best. At the end, he chose to leave the room. He surrendered. He gave up. He knew he's not good in this game. He took his newly-bought Nokia cellphone with him and walked back to the sofa and try to check if there was any unread message. No, no new message. He gently located his beloved Nokia cellphone on the table beside him. Continue his reading.

Afternoon breeze blew in. He lied comfortably on the sofa. He fell asleep.

He fell asleep.

----------------------------*~*----------------------------

His Nokia phone was ringing. Irritated, he picked up the phone and answered.

"Yes? Who is this?" he asked with his eyes closed.

"Hey! What's your house number again? Thirty-one or Thirty-seven? I'm on my way there!"

"What?!" Shocked. He looked up. The clock indicated 5:45pm. "Errmm... it's thirty-one! Three One! Errmm... how long will it take for you to reach here?"

"Around fifteen minutes, I hope. Promised you to be there by 6pm, right?"

"OK ok. See you later then!" He ended the phone conversation and rushed into the bathroom. He took a brief shower, barely dried himself up, wrapped his lower body and got into his bedroom. With all his shirts on the bed, he chose the light blue fitting shirt and a light brown khakis pant and put them on. He quickly gel-ed and styled his hair. Sprayed the masculine fragrance on his neck. Grabbed his silver metal watch and wore on his left wrist.

"Ding dong!" That's the door bell.

"I'm coming! Wait a second!" He reached for the table beside his bed and opened the drawer to get his wallet. Switched off the light. Closed the door. The door bell rang again.

"Yes, I'm coming!" He opened the door, and saw the man, smiling with a bouquet of flowers in his hands.

He f**king brought flowers!

Side Note :
This story above is fiction! :p

Untitled

OK. I have to do a quick one. It's 1:36am and I should be sleeping. Just got back from movies (Die Hard 4) and supper. Very unwise!

Many things to talk about actually. But I just couldn't find a good time to type. I really need to sleep. Been sleeping very late and woke up pretty early these days. I really need more rest. I know me.

Lack of sleep = Tired.
Tired * Tired = Exhaustion
Exhaustion = Me being blur
Blur = making mistakes
Making mistakes = Getting into troubles
Troubles = Unhappiness
Unhappiness + Unhappiness = Depression
Depression = Negativities...

And the last thing I want to have is depression! No no no. I MUST SLEEP! I MUST HIT THE SACK NOW! Ain't gonna be bad boy and kick my sorry a**!

Some eye-candies to keep you guys entertained, ok?!




Gosh! I want to sleep in their arms... "Oh, hug me darling, pleazzzeee....."

*Snoring*

Trying to look good

After my gym session, I walked out of California Fitness realizing I was wearing branded t-shirt, branded short and also a pair of not-so-popular branded shoes. And every time I passed by the mirrored-wall, I kept trying to have a better glance of that strangely familiar person I have known since the first day I look into the mirror.

Well, not that I am so 'loaded' and rich now that I managed to wear branded stuff. But it is a fact that now I can financially support myself. And that feeling of being financially independent struck me somehow at that moment of time. I am no longer a child who ask for allowance from mommy.

I bought this shirt and tie on my own!

I am not a local. I mean I was not raised here in Kuala Lumpur. I grew up in the (notoriously) most rural state in Peninsular Malaysia - Kelantan. Yes, very far behind from development and... can I say civilization? OK, no it's not that bad actually. Anyway, branded stuff was never an issue back then in Kelantan. Not that we're so rich that we have no problem buying those stuff. We don't really have any idea what's branded and what's not. Apparently, everything is branded. Even the underwear sold in pasar malam (night market) also branded, ok?!

Anyway, things changed a bit for me when I become a teenager. Yeah, started to have more concern of the 'outlook'. No, we didn't have any model to follow. I was stupid enough to use my own imagination and creativity to make myself look better. I would buy shirts and pants that look cool on that fake dead plastic model displayed behind the glass. Never know that those clothes never look good on me. Oh I don't follow the model I saw in tv (fashion show) or magazine. I thought they are too expensive and somewhat un-displayable! Who would wear that kind of shirts in the public?!

I still remember being criticized so badly by my sister, that I had no idea how to groom. And every shirt or pant I bought just doesn't help to make me look any better. At the end, I just gave up. I am not an artistic designer who knows how to make myself look any better. To hell with how I look. Deep down inside my heart, I still wanted to look better of course. But being a rural area kids who stay in that peaceful and conservative state, I have VERY limited resources to do study and research on how to groom. Besides, during that time, metro-sexual men had not yet been introduced into this world. So, boy no need to be so beautiful la! Like any other young id, I wear those round neck t-shirt all the time and a lose baggy pants. I don't like jeans, somehow they always torture my 'phoenix' and the 'two golden eggs'. I wonder why jeans always so tight last time. Since when they introduced the lose and baggy jeans?

And now, after my university life and stepped into this challenging working life. Everything seems to be very important. From inside out you have to know how to 'decorate' yourself. Even you are the ugliest person in town, you should know how to hide your weakness and show, I mean shine your strength to the fullest. Thanks to this heavenly developed city of Kuala Lumpur, I managed to learn from the 'culture' and I find myself evolve from time to time. From a slumber and 'uncivilized' young kids to a 'well-mannered' and educated adult.

No longer a kid I used to be.

I managed to learn grooming mostly from friends and magazines. And even wandering around shopping malls and observing people is a good 'education' for me (even though I was actually hunting for those hunky hunks or studs and enjoy my eye-candy. Yummy-licious!).

Up till today, I still find myself very poor in dressing up. At least I improved a bit. That's a good thing. At least my sister never complained why I bought this shirt and how stupid I am to buy that pant which doesn't suit me at all. At least now I know I should always look into the mirror and really know about my body and what piece of cloths suit me well.

I do realize that if you have a well-shaped body, then most (if not all) shirt or pants will suit you well. You do not need to worry so much of buying what kind of cutting that suit you. What kind of cloth looks better on you.

Ermm... will I look better without the jeans?

Pathetically, I am not even looking good naked. Gosh, I need to bulk up! Eating a lot doesn't help. I am a freaking high-metabolism animal. And I need to hire a personal trainer to motivate me to carry those stupid heavy metals I hate. But now I don't have enough money. Argh! Fine. Work harder then. Gosh, want to look good also have to suffer! Yeah right, that's great!

Untitled

Weekend comes and goes. Always so quickly.

Frankly I have nothing to talk about. Life's not getting as interesting as it used to be when I was back in university. That's really pathetic. I have suit myself into the ever so routine-kind of working life.

I've got to spice up my life. I always tell myself that, but at the end... no spice no life. LOL...

Realizing my poor command in English, I've decided to start my reading habit again. I've been reading, but not good enough. I need to read more.

I've bought a book just now - A Spot of Bother by Mark Haddon. Read the synopsis and I find it interesting. Actually I have a lot of books which are lying on my book rack in my bedroom waiting for me to at least just give them a glance. But, this book look more interesting. :p

The new book!

Pathetically, I haven't finished "The Kite Runner", still have like one chapter. I will finish it tonight so I can start with the new book.

Not a long post this time. So post an eye-candy instead. :p

So, are you just gonna stare at me
or you have something else in your mind?

Jokes

I was told that being successful in socializing, you must be humorous and can tell jokes to make people laugh. Knowing what to say the right thing at the right time is very important. Same apply to telling jokes. We should know when to tell the right jokes at the right time. I am not gonna "educate" how to tell jokes here. But it's fun to be with people who can tell jokes. And nowadays, people seems to be more interested in telling 'cold' jokes. Or stupid jokes. Jokes that might not make people laugh, but will make people think it's sort of funny and amusing.

For me, I think it is very much up to a person to find whether a joke is funny or amusing. Different people has different view towards different kind of jokes. Some find them funny, some find them plainly stupid. Some other just don't have any response towards them.

However, I've recently managed to collect some jokes from my colleagues and friends. And I would like to share some of them here. Maybe you might have heard some of them. For those that you have not heard, enjoy!

Hmmm... Let's see what jokes you have.

Joke #1
Person A : What colour is Doraemon?
Person B : Don't know.
Person A : Red
Person B : Why?
Person A : Haven't you heard it's theme song - "Ang Ang Ang... Tok teretaretoki..." Ang in Hokkien means red. So it's red colour!

Joke #2
Person A : Two bananas joining marathon. The first banana reached the end. And out of excitement, he take off his clothes. What happened then to the second banana?
Person B : The second banana slipped and fell down.

Joke #3
Person A : There are 4 stupid idiots trying to open start a car washing business. Since the first day of the business until the last day when the shop finally close down, there is not even one customer. Why?
Person B : No idea.
Person A : Because the car wash shop is opened at second floor. No car manage to go up to second floor. So no customer at all.
Person B : Like that also can aar?!
Person A : Anyway, after that they saw the taxi driver passing by. So they thought perhaps they could start driving the taxi to earn some money. So they all get a taxi and start to get passenger. How come they couldn't get any customer?
Person B : Not that I know of.
Person A : Because 4 of them already in the taxi. No more customer can be taken.

Joke #4
Pinocchio wants to have sex for the first time with his girlfriend. But he find his 'rod' is a little too hard and rough. So he went to consult his friend. His friend then told him to use sandpaper to smoothened his rod so it won't hurt his partner when having sex. The next day, Pinocchio saw his friend again. His friend curiously asked Pinocchio how was the sex? Pinocchip then said : "Oh, with the sandpaper, I need no girlfriend anymore to satisfy my sexual needs."

Doraemon is in red colour!?

OK. Actually there are many more. But I just can't remember. Beside, I am just so lazy to type. So tiring! Hahahaha... Anyway, now I notice most of the jokes are in Question-and-Answer form. Perhaps it needs some response from the audience to make the jokes more "interactive"?!

I realize sometime we need to remember a few jokes so that we could break the ice and at least make everyone laugh when we're in awkward situation. Some people even knows how to use jokes to cover their embarrassment. And I think it's very important too. You'll never know, during meeting, presentation, gathering, conference, some awkward situation might turn up and everyone will look at each other, hoping somebody will say something to make the whole situation feel better. So jokes could've come and save the day. Not guaranteed though! As I mentioned earlier, tell the right jokes and the right place, right time.

I've seen people try to break the ice by telling dirty jokes in a formal meeting. Gosh, after he finished the joke, everyone was like staring at him. Not sure if it was because of his bravery or the joke was simply inappropriate. Luckily there was another person managed to tell another joke to get everyone's attention away from the "in-appropriateness".

Oops, did I said something wrong?

So better shut up and don't simply tell stupid jokes. Else, you're joking yourself!

Cry alone

I was in my office the other trying to stay awake after lunch hour. I was very sleepy. Staring at the monitor and listen to loud music didn't help. I kept dozing-off and waking up which my colleagues around me must had thought I started 'Pancing Ikan Besar' (Fishing) again.

And then suddenly the gtalk message window popped up. Ahhh.... somebody came up and save my day. Yes, I need somebody to talk to, to keep myself awake. It was my colleague who is currently working in another country. Yeah, she was sent to other country to do on-site support. We started chatting normal stuff like what's the latest news and crap a bit. Suddenly she told me that she's not in a good mood lately.

I'm not in a good mood lately.

And then, of course I asked her why, what happened etc. She said she didn't really know what's wrong. Perhaps it was the workloads which were over-whelming had stressed her up. Perhaps the relationship between colleagues there wasn't as good as it used to be. Perhaps it was the stomach-ache she got lately had bothered her. And she told me that everybody there was busy with their own works. There's no one she could to talk to.

Learning to be a good listener. I paid attention to her every problems, every gripes. Give my opinion and advise whenever they seem appropriate. And suddenly she told me that, there was a night, when she was all alone, and she felt helpless, missing home, and she started to cry.

My heart sank into the deep valley.

I knew that feeling. I experienced that. I was all alone. Darkness. Sadness. Miseries. And then suddenly all the negativities surrounded you and you have no where to run or hide. All the bad things that had happened to you will then re-played in your mind. And there's no one else you could hold on to, and you just feel like crying is the best thing to do then. Even though I know it doesn't help solving the problems, I just freaking cried it out like a baby. Screaming my heart out helplessly and trust me, it's very pathetic!

So how are you feeling now? Everything OK?

I kept on listening to her 'stories'. And I am glad at the end she felt better. They (my colleagues in another country) are coming back this weekend to re-new their working permit. I can't wait to meet everyone of them. Some of them have been, and still are my good friends. Somehow I understand it's not easy to be far from home. When life treated you not-so-kindly, you'll need a friend, or someone, to hold on to. I worry about them sometime. Not that they couldn't survive out there. But sometime knowing that some of them have to go through the darkness, being alone and cry alone... it breaks my heart.

Now that they're coming back. I can't hardly wait. To give them hugs. To put smiles on their faces. To let them know that they have friends. And to let them always know that life is full of hopes.

Are you coming back home?

Being at home. I am thankful.

The Pursuit of Happiness

I thought it's gonna be easy, but nope, it's not easy. And I wonder when will I get to know him.

After failing to approach him yesterday, today I tried again. Rushed out of my office right on time ignoring the questioning stares of the staff in the office (as if I am committing a very serious crime) and squeezed in the monorail to get to KL Sentral. Just to have another chance to stumble upon him at the same place, same time. I was a little bit earlier than usual today. I went to the bookstore and bought a magazine - NEW ICON (English Edition).

After that, I waited at the same platform, while reading the magazine non-attentive-ly. Constantly looking at my left and right hoping to see that he's there already. Yes, he did appear. Wearing white with vertical brown stripe shirt. And he's not alone this time. He's with another ...... lady. Yes, is a lady. They were standing pretty far from me.

The train arrived. We got on board from the different door but we're in the same bunk. From a far, I could see the lady. Nice and pretty. Not much conversation between them. He just asked a few question. And nodding sometimes in agreement. And for the first time, I saw him smile. Another great sight! I am thankful.

Another beautiful sight...

I thought a lot in the train. I could not help but observing, analyzing and trying figure out who is that lady and their relationship : colleagues? old friends? sibling? or girlfriend? I could feel my negative feeling of jealousy has arisen within myself. And then suddenly the feeling of disappointment sneaked in. I took a deep breath and let it eats me up from inside. And then I gave up. The train reached my destination and I walked passed him and walked out of the train.

Again, I have to walk home. Feeling down and low, I took my time to slowly walk back home.

Goodbye, my love...

I thought about a lot of things.

Love is really amazing. It brings me strength and I'd done something I wouldn't do before. Stalking for example. And I wouldn't rushed out of office on time and I wouldn't squeeze in the monorail and took KTM last time. I'd rather waited till 7pm or 8pm or go to gym first and take a taxi home instead. But no, I put myself through all those hassles to be there at KL Sentral just to have a glance of that beautiful angel of mine.

Being gay is disheartening. Many times I have rehearsed in my mind that I am gonna be brave and walk up to him and say Hi, or whatever. I never did. It's not as easy as a guy walk up to a girl and say Hi. It is strange to walk up to a stranger and say Hi in the KL Sentral. He would've thought I am a crazy maniac, a weird stalker or even a robber who were trying to attack him. Beside, I really do not know what to talk about. I wonder, who would ever talk to a stranger in KL Sentral?

Walking, I looked up into the sky, perhaps the timing is not right yet. Or perhaps, he's not mine. I still coulnd't figure out his sexual orientation. I don't wanna waste my time. Suddenly I realised picking up a guy in gay bar/clubs seems a lot more easier as there's no doubt that those guys are gay. But no, I don't wanna meet up anyone there...

No, I still don't wanna go there.

And then I thought I have had enough. I've put too much effort on this matter. Having him popping up in my mind all this while doesn't really help. It somehow affect my performance in the office and my life. Yes, that's how powerful love can be. Perhaps I should not let myself fall too deep into the river of love. Perhaps it is good enough to finally see someone you really like. Perhaps it is good enough to know the feeling of Love at first sight even though never have the chance to know each other and become lovers. Perhaps, this is all good enough.

Deep in my heart, I pray for him. May my prayers for him reach him and my love for him will bless him with good health and successful life. I am not giving up. But I am not gonna push myself too hard. I'll move on with my life. And hopefully someday, he'll be in my life and not a passer-by.

Is he just a passer-by?

Still walking on the road, I felt warm when I saw my home. I walked a little faster. And I reached the front door. I pressed the bell... Mommy opened the door and she was delighted to see me.

I am home.

Appraisal

"You've been good. I don't have any negative comment on you."

That was what I got as a conclusion for my appraisal. After working for almost two years in the company, this is the second appraisal I've had in the company. And this time, it took lesser time to complete the whole session. We (the boss & I) have nothing to talk about. Basically I know what his expectation, and he knows my working attitude, situation, problems. So my appraisal was basically a revision for both of us and it's simple and straight-forward. No argue, no fight, peace at the end.

No negative comment...

I think this is good. My superior knows me (except the fact that I am gay) well. I always keep him updated. And whatever e-mails to the customer I will cc to him. So he basically knows what happened between me and my customers. No complaints emails and/or letters to him about me. Then I am safe. Like what he said, "No negative comment." And that's pretty good already.

Of course, he has his long-term planning which he shared with me during the appraisal session and I accepted as I kinda expected that's what he'll do next. So, I know him well too. I do not know if this is true, but gay men are more sensitive. And at time, through all the information we collected 'unconsciously', we can sort of 'predict' what will happen next. LOL... psyche?!

Anyway, it's over now. Nothing special for this appraisal. I am thinking, what can I do more to improve myself and my productivity so that when the next appraisal comes, I do not have to worry that I have not impressed him enough. For this appraisal, I think I've impressed him well enough. I hope I would get a good increment!

Site Node:
That beautiful angel in white
He passed me by
We got on board
We stood far apart
He found a seat and sat
Suddenly he dozed off

That beautiful sleeping angel in white
His closed eyes
His pure white face
Peaceful
Serene
That wonderful sight
Has once again taken my breath away...

Oh my, what a wonderful sight...

Johnny, oh Johnny...

I have soft spot for Caucasian men. Not that I don't like Asian men. Some of them can be equally hot but I prefer those Australian, European... Caucasian. Maybe because their skin complexion. Maybe because the language. Or perhaps because the western culture that I always prefer. I don't really know.

To name a few hot Asian movie stars or singers like Daniel Wu, Aaron Kwok, Takeshi... those men are cute and hot. But when Justin Timberlake, Brad Pitt, Josh Duhamel, Chris Evans and so on come into the list, those Asian men will never be at the top in my list. No offence, but beauty lies in the eye of the beholder.

Recently, I will never get enough with this cute hawt-ie! I still remember the first time I saw him in Fantastic Four, I was like "How can such sexy stud exist in the world!?" I think he would be my next wet dream guy (after that ever-so-sexy Justin Timberlake).

Is he wearing underwear? What's that little bulge I saw there?!

It's getting hot in here, so take off all your clothes!

Oh, you want me?! Come and get me, you naughty boy!

Caught this short clip on Chris Evans. Gosh, even the way he talks and laughs can really turn me on. Mmm... yummy!

I tried...

I was racing with time
Running like an innocent boy
To a place where hopes will shine...

And the time has come. I was waiting for the moment. The fire of nervous, anxious, excitement was slowly burning me up from inside. Waiting seems to be forever... Time, like those strangers, one by one, they passed me by.

And then, I was getting tired. Kept on preparing and practicing. Kept on rehearsing it over and over again within my head. There were thousands of possibilities and uncertainties. I hold on tightly to the last ray of hope. Constantly telling myself to be steady and calm.


And I realized, time has silently took away my hope, little by little, as it passed by. Disappointment started laughing at my stupidity at the far darken corner. I closed my eyes. Took a deep breath.

I just wanna go home...

The reason to procrastinate

If I were to use three words to label my life now, they would be following three words :

Procrastination * Computer * Love

Computer and love pretty much easy to guess. I have to face computer everyday. The recent crush I have on that guy would be labeled my 'love' life. OK, almost my love life.

Procrastinating in the office. Yes, that's my 'strength' lately.

After developing a system, a programmer like me will normally need to maintain the system. Fix 'bugs' if there is any. Enhance the system if possible. Collect some feedbacks (or complaints, to be more accurate) from customers and re-design or improve the system. Doing all these can be very hectic after the new system has just been developed. But after a while, 'bugs' getting lesser, problems decrease, complaints getting lesser and workloads eventually become lesser as well.

Nothing much to do. Better sit back and relax!

And I somehow find myself becoming a telephone operator nowadays. Being the most experienced person for the system I developed, I basically know what is the solution for the problem whenever I receive any phone call from customer.

Few years back, I would scratch my head wondering why such error occur, and why that problem still persist?! I still remember being so afraid to receive phone calls from customer fearing that I might not have the solution for the problem. Sometime I even not answering my cellphone if I know that's one of my customer. But I couldn't escape anyway. They will send an email highlighting the problem with screen-shots and everything. Worse still, they will made me be there on-site to check out the error and solve the solution ON THE SPOT! As if the problem will be solved if I were there. What are they thinking?

In that case, I normally have to find thousands of excuses to escape and run back to my office. Then I have to bury my head in reference books and staring round the clock at the computer monitor just to find the solution for each and every problems. Sleepless nights. Scary!

But now, everything about the system is in my head. Supporting multi-customers with different customization, I have no fear of getting calls or complaints from them. I have suffered enough for the past few years. And those miseries really make me so much stronger and wiser. Plus the practice makes perfect, I am so sure I am in-destructible!

So now whenever the phone rang, I will pick it up and say confidently:

"Hello! This is Ryan speaking. How can I help you?!"

When they bombarded me with lotsa questions, I would throw them back with lotsa questions too asking them different scenarios and possibilities before I answer their questions. Then normally at the end, they would be glad they found the solution for their problems and say:

"Thank you, Ryan!"

Satisfaction. Guess those hard works for the past few years really paid off!

When there's no call. I'll just sit in my chair and stare at the monitor. Using my mouse pointing in the monitor screen pointlessly and clicking anything that can and cannot be clicked. Then once a while I'll check if I've got any new mail. If yes, then reply. If no, I'd continue my clicking and pointing... until I dozed-off... then woke up and repeat the same whole thing again.

Oh, six o'clock! Pack up and .... gone!

Ahh... how nice it is if there's a hunk
pick me up after work!?!

Ah... appraisal is coming soon. I should get myself motivated again. Procrastination should be out of my life!

That first phrase

I actually spent some times surfing on the internet looking for something I don't even thought I would look for. I opened up my browser, access to Google search engine page, and I typed "pick up lines", and I clicked on the search button.

Expectedly, a list of "useful" websites listed down one by one and I randomly chose any of the website and look for a suitable pick up line. I was quite disappointed to find that all the pick up lines are for man to use on woman, but not for man using on man. Ahh... as if it's something new?!

"So what are you gonna say to me?!"

Anyway, some of the pick up lines can be used "universally", but (yes, another but), those lines are used for picking up a person for ONS. Gosh, we human are such a sexual animal. Yes, we are (as though I am gonna deny it). Tired of searching for the right pick up lines, I actually wrote down some of them myself in the afternoon... which I totally think they are not gonna works.

Let's see how crappy I can be...

"Hi there! I've been noticing you. Care to be my friend?"

"Hello! I'm Ryan, and you're....?"

"Hi! I've been stalking you and I couldn't stop it until you ask me out!" LOL...

"Hey there! Can I borrow your phone number so I could call you in a while?" LOL...

"Sorry, but are you Justin!? No? What's your name then?"

"Excuse me! Can I ..." oh never mind!

"Ehh... what's up doc?!"

Gosh!! Tension! How to ask him out? I might be stumbling upon him again later today at the KL Sentral and I have no idea what to say when I meet him. Pick-up lines? Sound so lame.

...

I seriously wonder how to pick up a guy I like. I mean how? And sometime we don't even know their sexual orientation. And I don't trust my gaydar. There's a few times I thought this fella was gay, and the next thing I know, is that he's getting married next month to a pretty girl.

Hmm... I guess I am the one who should be waiting to be picked-up?!

Side Note :
* He wears light blue long sleeve shirts today. Expensive type.
* He saw me and I think he recognized me. He saw me and he took another glance to re-assure I was the one he saw the other day, or yesterday.
* I was standing next to him again. And we never spoke to each other.

The flirtatious friend

I was in the train. Reached destination. We waved goodbye. And today, I decided to walk back home instead of calling my parents to pick me up and bring me home. I have to walk through a busy road, walk pass a back street and cross a "river" (which is actually a big drain), walk pass a few streets again to finally reach home. All the way, I told myself, life isn't treating me too bad.

"I'm OK... Life's not so bad after all."

My working hour is 9am to 6pm. But the staff in the company don't leave the office at 6pm. Most of them leave after 6:15pm. I normally leave after 7pm. But today, I got out of the office at 6:25pm, a little earlier than usual. I was tired. Thanks to my new habit - blogging, which keep me busy typing until 1am in the morning. Or perhaps I was staring at the computer for too long, blogging + lack of sleep = Exhaustion. So for the whole day, there's only one significant thing I remember, that gay-ish customer I have to deal with almost everyday now.

As a programmer, not only do I need develop system, I also have to deal with customer, the user who use the system I developed, of course. And due to whatever reasons, I have to deal with this user, a guy, let's call him Matt.

Well, Matt is good-looking. Few years older than me. (Again!!) He is the typical metro-sexual kinda guy. He is well-groomed, know how to play mix and match with his clothes. I think he is the best-dressed male staff in his office. Oh, did I mentioned he goes to the same fitness club that I am joining?! Well, we never met in the club before as we always go there at different time. No luck! Having said that, he has a well-shaped body, not too muscular and not too slim (like me :p. OK, I am working on it, OK!) .

Well, the first time I lay my eyes on this guy because he was wearing a tight long sleeve shirt. Can't remember what color. And it was Friday after lunch time, if I am not mistaken. I have to be there in his office to settle some system problem. Since Friday is the "casual day", he un-buttoned his first button of his shirt. OK, you can imagine how naughty my eyes would have been. Things got worse when I was sitting on his chair and attend to his computer (to solve problem of course) and he was standing in front of me. Whenever he has to lean forward and point his finger on the monitor to show me this and that, I have to keep my eyes focus on the monitor and NOT somewhere on the first button on his shirt. I still remember his colleague, a lady jokingly told him that he was being too sexy and that he should button up his shirt. I just smiled and said nothing.

"Button up your shirt, Matt! That's such a distraction!"

OK, I don't know how we got pretty good with each other these days. And he obviously being very flirtatious with me. Calling me and said this need to be fixed and that need to be changed. And I should be there helping him to solve the problems. Or telling me that he missed my voice. Now almost every day I will receive a call from him. He even said that it is not usual if he never listen to my voice for one day. And sometime I don't know he was teasing me or what, whenever he called me, I would ask what's the problem, before he told me the real problem, he would say "Just miss you mar... hahahahaha...." Then only he'll tell me the real problem. If my gaydar is working fine, he is definitely a gay.

We went for lunch once. Yes, only both of us. I was pretty nervous. I thought it was a date. But no. No chemistry. No sparks. No love in the air. And still, I have to face him, his flirtatious calls, almost everyday. Don't get me wrong! He's not a bad person. He's a nice guy. But just not my type la! I think he knows I am gay, and he obviously let me know he is. We never opened up our closet to each other, but I would rather not.

Anyway, as mentioned earlier in the post, feeling tired and exhausted, I left the office earlier to catch the KTM Commuter. I met one of my friend at the KL Sentral. That's a good thing. It is always good to have a company. We chatted how busy a KL life can be, how irritating adn annoying that we need to spend hours after work waiting for public transport to finally reach home... bla bla bla...

Did I ever mention, while talking to her at the platform, that cute familiar face appeared from a far, walking towards us, wearing white long sleeve-shirt today, still carrying the notebook bag, walked passed us... that breathless sight... I couldn't concentrate on what my friend was telling me... then the train suddenly appeared out of nowhere, I was dragged into the KTM by my friend and he disappeared into the crowd...

"It's him, again..."

In the train, my friend kept telling me things, but my mind was elsewhere...

Then, we reached our destination, we waved goodbye. On my way home, I told myself, life isn't treating me too bad.

That thing call "Love"

After obsessing over my crush for a few days, I guess I should put a stop to all of these. Love is crazy. It makes you go nuts! It even makes us forget that "Love is blind!". I have been thinking of him every night before I sleep in hope that he will somehow, just for a moment, appear in my dream and, at least smile at me, or talk to me, or hold my hands, or... OK! OK! That's it! ~ The End ~

Get over it!

Last night I went out to have steamboat with my ex-colleagues. We haven't met each other for almost more than a year. We knew each other during my industrial training few years back and we do keep in touch once in awhile. Sometime we go KTV, some time we go steamboat, and sometime we just go out for a drink. We even went to Malacca for one day trip. We're not close friends. But we do enjoy each other's accompany.

And throughout our dinner, we mostly talk about this friend, a lady, S. She was having a fight with her current boyfriend. The bf is 6 or 7 years younger than him (yes she is around 30 y/o. Another evident proved that I mixed around with older people), which is working in the same company as her. Having to see him everyday is torturing for her, so she wanted to change company. I ain't talk much about the detail of their cats and dogs fight. But we did talk about us trying to fall in love.

For me, it is very hard to fall in love. I tends to think a lot. First and foremost, of course, I am gay. No, I don't shag, no ONS (even though I dream of it thousands of time, I just don't dare!). And I don't simply date anyone. Unless of course the one having the look like 'my recent crush', I wouldn't think too much to go for a date with him. And I have to highlight, go for a date doesn't mean I have fallen in love with him. My kind of date at this stage is the go out for a meal and get to know each other. You know what I mean!

So, being a gay in Malaysia is just too hard to fall in love, especially for closeted gay like me. No date means no chance to fall in love, which equals to no chance to have a boyfriend. Sometimes, I thought "to hell" with what it will be, just go out and look for a boyfriend. But how?! Go to the gay pub? gay club? gay saunas? Frankly, I personally do not think it is such a good place to look for a decent friend. Don't get me wrong! I am not saying that people there are bad boys, indecent fellas or what. But most of them go there is just to have a one time encounter and it's just not right to me. I believe there are good people there (at gay pubs, clubs etc) who are also trying to search for their soul mates. But I just do not dare to take the risks. So I really do not know how?!

"In this whole wide, I will find my love! Yes, I will!"

Sometimes, I just hope that I would stumble upon someone (a hunk) on the street and maybe I dropped something and we both trying to pick it up and he would accidentally touch my hand. In that instant of time, there's sparks between us... Or a cute guy in the train, I look at him and he look at me, and there's this chemistry there and we couldn't help but to smile at each other. Or a stud come up to me and said some impressive pick-up line. Or maybe a long-lost good-looking friend suddenly called up and said that he's interested in me. Oh, or even that crush I have recently suddenly walk up to me and said:"I know you've been stalking me. You need to stop doing that and start dating me, please!"

"Don't just look at me! Ask me out!"

Oh craps, I watched too many movies. It's just my imagination. I am such a desperate idiot!I can keep on dreaming and imagining. Create stories and visualizing in my head over and over again. I would even smile thinking about it. Perhaps, that's not so bad after all. Love, suddenly seems so far away.

The Crush continues...

OK, I am very reluctant to do this. Who knows anyone of you might know this person and I might be getting into trouble for "intruding" someone's privacy!

Craps! Beauties are meant to be shared. Here is one beautiful male. If anyone of you do know him, let him know he has a secret admirer! Well, my phone was not a good camera phone. So please excuse the quality of the photos.

For safety purposes and for whatever reasons, this entry will be posted for awhile only. So enjoy while you can and drop your comment!

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As promised, the slide show must come to an end.
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I still can't believe I am doing this! Damned!

Crush

Aahhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I saw my crush today. And I saw him near. We were so close! Wowwee!! I am so happy!! Aahhhhh!!!!!!!! He's so cute! He's so fine! He's so .... Ahhhhh!!!!!

OK. Sorry for being out of control. I should behave myself, I know!

I am always well-behaved. Not until I saw him...

So what happened? Hahaha...

10am, in the office

I thought it's gonna be another normal working day to me today. I was having my hard time killing 'bugs' for the program in the morning. Morning always seems very short. With a blink of eyes, it's already over and lunch time it was!

--- ~ * Lunch break - Nothing to talk about. Period. * ~ --

3pm, in the office

Again, I drowned myself in the world of programming trying to solve the problems. I dozed-off a few times after staring at the monitor for such a long long time. It's like the monitor knows how to sing my favorite lullaby. And I can't even listen to my mp3s. Listening to music make me sleep faster.

4pm, in the office

OK, I seriously couldn't do anything. With my mind blur and feeling sleepy. That's it. I couldn't solve any problems. I ended up chatting online with an ex-colleague who seems to be so free as his superior and senior were out of office. So he didn't have any work to do for the day. He even told me he had had a tea-break for an hour. That's so unfair! After chatting, I didn't feel sleepy anymore, but I felt hungry. Suddenly, I wanted to go home.

6pm, in the office

I shut down the PC. Waited for another colleague and we rushed out of the office like a prisoners out of the prison.

6:55pm, KL Sentral

According to the schedule board, the train will arrive at 7:05pm. Still have a few minutes to hang around in the KL Sentral. When I was about to head to MPH to buy the current month Men's Health magazine, I heard the operator announcing:

"Train to xxx will be arriving at platform number four. Train ke xxx akan tiba di platform nombor empat."

I quickly rushed down the escalator to catch the train. When I reached the platform, I saw the train was arriving. Good! But when I see the big crowd, deep in my heart, I was like :"Shit!". Having no choice, I got myself into the crowd to find a better place to get on board. And then I saw that familiar face. That fresh, young and good-looking face I used to see once in a blue moon.

Suddenly the whole crowd didn't seem to bother me anymore. And the only thing I know is that I have to be near him this time, as though that's the thing I should do right there right then. I somehow managed to get behind him. Excited. The train open its door, I kept myself close behind him and got on board with him.

--~~ Flash Back ~~ --

Once in a while, I took the KTM to go to office. And each time I took the train, I will always hope to see that guy. I still remember the first time I see him that almost normal morning. I got into the train that morning still haven't fully woke up. So basically I was a 'zombie' then. Not until I saw him. My vision started to be clearer as though my glasses was not functioning before that. I saw that morning sun shined upon that re-freshing cute face. His eyes, his nose and thin lips make a such good combination. I further examine his fitting long-sleeve shirt. It was white with dark blue/black box stripes. He was carrying a bag pack. Looking so fine. I didn't have the chance to have a close look on him. So I stood from a far, watching him as my heart pumping ever so faster than usual. And at that point of time, I was so awake!

-- ~~ Back to Now ~~ --

We found ourselves a place to stand (as there's no more seat available), and I manage to stand behind or beside him (I can't actually tell 'cause sometime he turned around and it'll become 'beside' instead of 'behind'. hehehe... Well, mostly behind him). So standing very close behind, this time I really can enjoy my 'eye-candy'. Oops, did the saliva dripping out of my mouth?!

He's wearing black shirt today with vertical stripes and a black pants. Standing behind him, I managed to see his well-comb hair and his clean sexy neck and also his fragile-look left ear. I almost kissed his neck. Neck can be a very sensitive area, you know! His back is normally broad and when I looked further down, gosh, he has such a firm ass! Did I not grab them?! Oops, did I just said that?!

Do you know, I am watching you from behind...

Oh he's carrying a laptop bag this time. With another hand holding a book. I couldn't see what book is it. Not until he opened the book and started to read. It is "Rich Dad Poor Dad"! He just started the first chapter (page 17). Hahahaha.... I even remember the page number. I read the book during my university. Well, he's a bit outdated, huh?! Anyway, glad that he reads book. And I hope he doesn't read the book only because he wants to get rich!

When he was reading, I enjoyed myself staring at him. Since I managed to see his side view, I examine his eyes (long eye brow), his cute little nose down back to his sexy lips. I don't even know if he knew that he was being watched. But I seriously don't mind standing there whole day beside him watching him reading. I almost whispered :"Gods must have spent a little more time on you!" And then from time to time, I looked down just to make sure I have a good look on that firm ass! I'm such a pervert!

His eyes, his nose, his neck... and lips.

Oh, how can I missed to take a photo of him. Since I do not have digital camera with me, I used my stupid hand phone to capture his photos. Even if I do have digital camera with me, I doubt I would use it. Too obvious!

So I took out my phone pretending I am typing a sms, but actually I am taking a good view and capture his (mostly side face) photos. When the train was about to reach my destination, he managed to get a seat in front of where I stood. Perfect! The, I could have a better view of him and take a better photo of him. The first button of his shirt was left un-bottoned. That makes him even more sexy than ever.

I wondered if anyone caught me taking photos of him. There's this short girl who were standing right beside me was looking on me occasionally. Not sure if she looked at me because I was taking photos of a cute guy, or because she think I am cute?! Who cares?! I got what I want.

The train finally reach the destination and I grab my last chance to have a good look into his eyes. Yes, watery like a peaceful lake. Love it. I got out of the train smiling to myself. He makes my day! :D

Wet wet dream, please!!!!

I am praying very hard that I will dream of him tonight. Wet dream!

Hero

OK, I am not gonna talk about the series 'Heroes', even though I find it interesting. I haven't finished the series yet. Do not know why suddenly lose interest in continuing to watch the series. Perhaps because the 'heat' was over!

Anyway, I've just watched the Fantastic Four 2 : Rise of the Silver Surfer. Something about the hot character, Johnny being the 'black sheep' who always bring trouble to the group makes me think about my past and some (bitter)sweet memories.

Gosh, Am I a loser!?

Anyone wants to be the hero. No doubt about that. One can insist to be a normal human person living a normal life but deep down inside, he/she wants to be someone. Or at least, a hero to someone.

I used to be a almost perfect kid back then when I was young. Good in studying (always get to be the top 10 students), good in public speaking, good in singing, good in writing, good in many many things. At that time, I almost did not know what are those things that I couldn't do, or couldn't be. I participated many kind of competition and I brought back prizes and/or awards. Tonnes of certificates were filed in my thick file. I made my parents proud. I was a hero to my family. My siblings were proud of me too. Sometime I also wonder if all the gay people are similarly more intelligent and brilliant?! Hahaha... No comment.

Anyway, I was also the celebrity in school back then. Most probably because I was winner in many competition. And being the winner made me popular. I've got many friends (good and bad), many people knows me. That's one good thing being popular. It boost up your confidence. So my confidence level was never low. My profile could no longer be low.

Even though I tried to, my pride would never let me so.

Not till I have my depression few years back, I started to experience all those sorrows, miseries, sadness, disappointment, helplessness... I was basically fell into the darken deep valley of despair. No lights, no senses, no hopes. Not even want to talk about the causes and un-speakable experiences during my depression.

Having difficult time to get up again...

When I was depressed, I always think that I am a trouble-maker. It's like every step I take would lead to another mistake. And I'd end up doing nothing and feeling depressed again. I don't dare to do anything. I felt useless, stupid and helpless. I can never describe enough how miserable it could be.

Somehow I am glad that I've gone through that. It (really, and I mean really) makes me stronger, wiser, and it also totally changed my perspective and priority of life. And now, I am very glad that I can feel free to do many things. I do not feel afraid anymore to make mistakes. And being able to do something, I can help others and contribute to the society. Yes, being able to contribute, makes me feel that I am worth-while.

Luckily I've pressed on steadfastly and overcome my depression. From what I heard, not so many depression patients can fully recover. I understand that very much. Not an easy task. When your mind is playing tricks with you, and you lose control of it, you basically lose control of yourself.

Anyway, I feel that I finally found a way to settle down myself and walk on 'the ground' steadily and calmly. It was like I was floating in the air last time letting the winds blow me into different direction gaining various (mostly dark) experiences in this world. And then, I finally gained the weight and manage to touch the ground and walk. And perhaps I am more down to earth now. Hahaha... And I started to know how to enjoy every step. Started to know how to appreciate every single moment that could be so wonderful.

At this point of time, I feel like I was living to be a hero for others (like family, friends etc). I live up to their expectation. I have to be like this and I must be like that.

Loving me for me, please...

But now, I don't want to be the hero anymore.