Merdeka Rehearsal

So for the past two days I was not updating my blog. Blame that night when the stadium merdeka was having the performance rehearsal for the merdeka 50th celebration event. Yeah I was there to witness the performance rehearsal.

I was told by a friend that the entrance was free and that the actual rehearsal will start around 9pm. So great, I've never been to a national 'rehearsal' event. I might want to give it a go right after my working hour. Maybe I would stumble upon some hunks there in that not-so-big stadium.

I hit the gym first after office hour and have a great dinner to ensure those every muscles I pumped were 'well-fed' before I took the monorail and reached Maharajalela station. It was almost 10pm. I thought I was late already. But craps. I was there already. And I promised my friend to be there to see his performance. (Yeah one of my friend was there performing! He kept on telling me that it is a show not to be missed! Yea yea... ) So I just went in the stadium. Damned! It really was crowded. I couldn't find myself a seat. So I just found a place to stand. Thank goodness I stood somewhere left hand side of the VIP area. So I had a better view of the whole field.

After observing the crowd for a moment (to look for some hunks actually), I was surprised to find that the rehearsal was yet to start. Anyway, I didn't have to wait long until the Prime Minister arrived and the rehearsal was started. Still standing, I used my cellphone to capture some fascinating performance.



So only the last performance impressed me, indeed (Maybe because my friend was there in the last performance.) With the formations and human tower they "built up", it was quite shockingly stunning to me. And damned, those youngsters were so energetic. Suddenly I felt very old!

Speaking of old, by the time the whole rehearsal end, it was already 11:30pm. After getting home and took my shower, I slept at 2am that night. Great!! The next two days I was a numb! Dozing off in the office regularly. And it seemed that sleeping earlier for the next two days didn't really help much. Not until just now I got to take a very long afternoon nap that I felt re-charged and re-energized. Haih... getting old... really.

Well, at least I was there to keep my promise to that friend. I am glad though. I was there. Guess that shows a little patriotism in me too.

Happy Merdeka ke-50th!

Language speaking

I am a Chinese. Growing up in this multi-racial, multi-cultured, multi-coloured, multi-media... country, I got to learn different kind of languages. I know mandarin, malay and english of course, and I know a bit hokkien, hainam and cantonese.

Being able to speak Chinese perfectly well, I am not really interested in China history or being able to memorize all those Chinese poems or proverbs. But still I am good in speaking Chinese. This is mostly because I was well-trained during my primary school. I represented my school to participate in the state Chinese Public Speaking competition. Even though I never really won the first prize, the training before the competition was a very tough one.

Wanna come train with me?!

I still remember I was given the script. And I was assigned to first find all the pronunciation (han yu pin yin) for each and every words. I need to spell it out and rewrite the whole script with the pronunciation under every single word. After that, I needed to pronounce the word correctly to the trainer a few times. Then only I am allowed to start memorize the script. So I was very good in speaking mandarin since then. Even after my primary school, I still participated public speaking competition when I was in form 5 which I won a second prize for the state competition.

Being able to speak perfectly does not imply that I am good in that language. No. I am not that good in writing. I only got 3B for Chinese for SPM. Damned, I targeted to get 2A! Anyway, my Chinese is still very much better than English. (Surprisingly, I got 2A for English and 6C for 1119!) Craps!

My English improved drastically after I entered university. I befriended Malay and Indian friends. So I have less Chinese friends to talk to. I was lucky I got a room-mate who is a banana Chinese boy then. So I got to speak English with him. I was surrounded by friends who spoke English. Consequently, my English improved! I even got Band 5 for MUET! Yeah, as if no one got that band 6! Damned!

We all speak English!

And still, I like man who speak good English. That impressed me. Perhaps because I like Caucasian. Or perhaps I always prefer the western culture. Or perhaps that make me feel more classy and elegant. I once thought that my fantasy man will be someone who could speak English fluently

And please, some men are so kiasu!!! Not only they could not speak good English, they somehow pretend they're good at it. And the way they imitate Englishman's accent is just disgusting and unbearable! Gosh, maybe I was one of them. I think I need to attend short courses. Taking public speaking class? Or maybe just go for an advance English class!

Want me to give you a lesson or two? Just talk to me, honey!

No money no talk! I think I'll just start with reading first...

Cockroach in ktv room

I was in Redbox , The Curve last night having our karaoke session with some friends. We have planned to do this during the weekend. So on Friday, I booked a room for 4 people. So last night on my way to the curve, my friend called me and she said she was there already. So I asked her to checked in first under my name. After a few minutes, she called back and said that the room provided is just too small for four people. And she said she would request to change to a bigger room.

I reached there after 5 minutes and went for the room. Yes, it was indeed too small for four people. Although we are not very big in size and 5 of us could actually fit into the room (yeah one of the friend suddenly said he also want to join, so add him 5), it would be very uncomfortable. Unsatisfied, I went to the reception counter and insisted to have a bigger room. And lady there then told me there's no more room available and she requested us to use that room first and if there's a bigger room available she would change the room for us. OK, hopefully they would.

As usual, we went to get our food. Yes it's a buffet dinner. Of course we grabbed as much food as we could and squeezed inside the small little room. Gosh, it was really uncomfortable. Even when we ate, we need to sat side by side with our thighs closed together. Never mind. Hopefully they would change a room for us. While eating, one of the friend choose some latest songs for us to listen. Well, at least that took away our attention on that dissatisfaction of the small room.

You think I could fit into that small room?!

Upon finishing our food, a waiter walked in and said there's a bigger room for us. Gosh we were over-joyed and quickly got our plates and food and moved to the new room. Yes, the room was bigger. So as usual, we start to sing our heart out. We chose those challenging songs. After all some of us are choir members and we do own some vocal skills. We may be not a professional singer, but last night, we basically think we sang professionally. Ehem... having the sopranos and tenors in da house, singing high-pitch? Definitely NOT A PROBLEM!

While singing our last few songs, suddenly one of my friend pushed away the person beside her. And she pointed something on the seat behind her. In the dark, I could barely see anything on the seat as the cushion is in black colour. The someone turn on the light and then we saw that thing - a small little cockroach.

"Ahhhh....."

"Yucks!!"

"Yerr...."

"Shit!!!"

OK, we didn't really screamed out loud. But we were quite offended to have found such thing crawling at our back on the seat. Before we could response and do something wise, we basically watched that small little thing crawled into the hole between the cushion. Goodness! What can we do now. And one of them intelligently use the tissue paper to stuck the hole (as if the cockroach would not be able to come out again from another side of the cushion). Well, after a few minutes, the thing still never come out, we continue our singing session pretending nothing happened.

Now we've got something offensive!

When the time's up, we paid our bill and was about to leave the room. We switched on the light brightly and checked if we'd left any of our belonging. Then that small little thing appeared again wandering on the black sofa freely as if looking for something to eat. Then one of my friend, pretty offended called up a waiter to come and see what we have found.

Offended friend: "Sir, see what we have found?!"

Male Waiter:"What?!"

Offended friend: "A small cockroach!"

Male Waiter:"Oh sorry to hear that!

Offended friend:"OK, so what now?! Any compensation for that? We found a cockroach in your room."

Male Waiter:"Oh sorry I don't think we can compensate anything. And since you have paid the bill, we can't do any discount or lengthen your session."

Offended friend:"So that's it?! It's the hygiene problem. We are very particular about hygiene. What kind of service is this?"

Male Waiter:"Oh come on. You see cockroach anywhere. Even if you go any other places, you will see cockroach sometime."

Offended friend:" (Very Offended!) What?! So you expect us to expect cockroaches in your room? That's very irresponsible! Is this how you provide the service? We paid for your service, and you should keep your room clean!"

And then we walked off. We could hear the waiter closed the room's door with a loud bang. Obviously he was very pissed off too with the "lecture" my friend had just given to him.

Is there a cockroach behind my sofa?

Damned, that's just so not cool. Obviously we were right. Come on, cockroach in the ktv room? No compensation? And said that we would see that in some other place? What kind of response is that? What kind of service is that?!

Random Hotness

Suddenly I love KL City. Full of hot hunky men. Especially with all the foreigners wandering in the city...





Aren't they beautiful?!

Rouge Assassin

So last night I was in One U watching the movie. Not a very good one I would say. A little disappointed. Though I like the hunky stud Jason Statham, the action was not impressive. And the design was just crap. Well, there's one thing I like about, the storyline.

You know the only reason I watch action movie is not so much because of how guys fightings and perform their impressive stunts, I actually enjoy their muscle being flexed or their fucking cool and attractive pose in the movie.

But in this movie, not only the stunts were not beautifully captured, there's no sexy poses there by neither Jason nor Jet Li. And the fighting scenes seem a little too fast. Perhaps I enjoy the Matrix-kind slow motion thing which can let me really see how cool it is.

About Jason, I would rather watch the Transpotter 1 or 2. His sexiness and coolness are well captured in those movie. About Jet Li, he's getting old even though his king fu skill still there. I can really see that in the movie. Time really harsh at time!

Anyway, I ain't gonna give you detail about the storyline. No spoiler! But I'll leave some photos for your viewing pleasure.

The movie poster

Jason Statham

Jet Li

Honey! Where are you? Come out!

Jet Li: "What?! They're gonna kill my hubby?"

Jason:"You know I love you, don't ya?"

*Side Note:
- Some captions are made up.

Those hot pics

Many have been asking me about where I got those photos I posted on my blog. Obviously they are from internet. I am not a photographer who manage to capture all those hunky (and mostly caucasion stud) men (or boy? or male?) in real world and published them on my blog. Anyway, I am glad to know that those photos please you.

So have I turn you on?

I have this habit of collecting pics since the first time I used internet. I still remember the day when my father bought me a computer, the first thing I did was to open up my then favourite magazine (Men's Fitness) and type an article to train my typing skill. Of course it took a few hours to finish copy and typing the whole article.

Then when I learned to got online, the first thing I did of course was to surf porn. Pervert like me had been waiting for that for too long. And no, I didn't surf gay porn. By then I was too innocent to had been thinking that gay porn didn't exist. Only man and woman kind of sex does exist. How pathetic was I?! Never mind! It did not take me long to finally found out the gay world. Oh I thought I had found paradise.

From then on I started to collect porn pics. Yeah, men with muscular body, hard chest, firm ass, long dick... gosh I kept a whole lot of them in my secret folder, hiding them deep inside the computer never let anyone know where the folder was located in the hard disk. Then whenever 'the time' came, I would secretly open my treasure and enjoy myself.. (while playing that Gary Barlow's 'Hang on in there baby'!) Those were the days...

Indulging myself in the porn world...

Later on, I started download porn clips instead of pictures. It's even crazier. With the limited hard disk space I have, I also didn't dare to save them into CD fearing that someone might accidentally open the CD and my secret will be revealed. So, I have to wait round the clocks for the clips to be downloaded (last time no broadband, all dial-up connection!) and enjoy my merely 5 to 10 minutes watching the fucking session and delete it into the recycle bin. That's not all, I have to immediately empty the recycle bin too ensure that the porn clip was really gone. How stupid I was!

Nowadays, with the broad band connection I have, getting porn stuff are so much easier. However, I am not sure if it was because I am growing older, or because I started to get bored of porn, I rarely download them now. But I would surf the net to some gay sites or blogs to hunt for beautiful male pictures. And I don't save those pics with hardcore gay sex, I would saved those beautiful hunk photos, couple kissing or hugging, and maybe some male model posing for advertisement and stuff. And I would saved them in a special folder of mine, and all of those pictures will be display in my screen saver. Every night before I closed my eye and sleep, I would lie on my bed and enjoy watching the screen saver on the monitor displaying my favourite hunks like a slide show.

You see, I've been collecting those photos over a few years now, so my pc has many hunky photos inside. And sometime I would have hard time to choose which photo to post as all of them are so yummy-licious! The worse thing is that even open up the folder will need to take some times. Thanks to my "super fast" processor and RAM. Or maybe the folder has just contained too many photos!

So which stud will you choose? The left or the right one?

No worry! I am someone who think that male body is equally beautiful. I will post as long as I am updating this blog for your enjoyment. After all, this is a place for us to appreciate the beauty of male!

Blogging

Suddenly I realized I have nurtured this habit of blogging. It seems that every night before I jump on my bed, I will need to open my Mozilla and write something on this blog and share something. It could be a dangerous thing to do as I noticed that more and more of my life are revealed to the whole wide world. I am hoping that none of my reader knows who exactly is the author of the blog behind all those true or fake stories.

I also found some good souls through this blog who left some comments here and through the link, I got to visit their blog/site and listen (actually reading) to their interesting bittersweet stories in their daily life. Guess that's what we bloggers do.

It sucks though when I am running out of things to share and yet I don't want to leave the blog un-updated. So I will ended up writing non-sense like this post. Trying to do a shabby work to console myself that I did post an entry today. Yes I guess sometimes I am like that. When I am really running out of idea, I'll just do craps and ... come what may...

Hey Chris, anything you wanna share with me today?

It is interesting though to have another circle of friend (or someone to communicate with) through blogging. Even though I know none of you in real life, at least through your little stories or two, I can get to know a little about you and others. And that's fun! Of course it is very exciting to see that someone left a comment on your blog. It doesn't really matter whether it's a bad or good comment. What matters most is that someone read your blog and left a mark there. At least they show their concern and care and that brighten up your post. And that's what keep you writing... on and on...

I found out that photos/pictures I posted in my recent entries are rather too sexy to be viewed in the office. LOL... yes, I do try to access to my own blog in the office to see if there's anyone left a comment or a shout out in the chat box. Somehow, those sexy pictures are rather offensive to certain people in my community. Ain't gonna be caught red-handed in the office by anyone thinking that I am surfing a porn site!

Don't be naughty in the office!

That's all for now.

*Loves & Hugs*

Sorry, but... I can't love you.

I received an email few days back from a (used to be very closed) friend in England. It was a pleasant surprise I would say. And the email was very lengthy. Luckily I manage to scan through the email very quickly (thanks to my reading habit) and briefly understood what she was trying to say. It was generally about her still being the music lover and about admiring me being able to play very well on the piano.

When we were young, we used to be very closed. It was during our primary school. We were standard three if I remember it correctly. We went to canteen together during recess time, study together sometime, we got home and I'd call her and we would chatted for quite long. Puppy love I would say for young kids like us. I don't know how and why suddenly we broke up (if that's what it was), but we remain friends (we have to as we were basically studying in the same class since then until secondary school form 5)! I guess she was my first love (if puppy love does count!).

Being a celebrity in school last time, I was so popular that sometime walking in the school some strangers will smile at me. I found it creepy sometimes, but I later got used to it. I also know that I have a lot of secret admirers secretly stalking me especially during recess time. And the most crazy experience I remember was that while on my way to the canteen, there's this girl stood right in front of me blocking my way. And when I raised my head to face her, she suddenly use that sign language to communicate with me. First she put her left hand on her chest, then she use a finger on her right hand and point at her heart, then she point at me. After that she smiled at me for awhile and walked off. I was puzzled. Then a friend of mine who was walking with me laughed at me and said that she was basically saying "I LOVE YOU!" to me. Great! That's scary!

No, please don't love me!

Then during standard six we were having our dance rehearsal in a classroom for our farewell celebration and there were girls from other school would stopped by after school to be the peeping tom outside the classroom just to have a look on me! Urgh! Irritating! And a lot of people told me that this girl like me, and that girl was crazy about me. Bla bla bla... I seriously didn't know how to response.

In university life, I seriously make myself NOT AVAILABLE. I intended to keep a very very low profile. I didn't dress up. I wore those same khakis pants and a round neck t-shirt to attend class. No fancy shirt or funky jeans. I was quiet and trying to be a very normal person. And for those were close to me, I always told them I am not looking for anyone to be my lover and that I wanted to concentrate on my study. (Yeah right! In fact, I secretly hunting down all those hunky stud in the university and be-friended a few of them. Unfortunately none of them turn out to be gay!)

Gay? Or not gay?

There is this girl whom I considered a very closed and best friend. We study together, eat together, and have supper together. Of course I have a lot more friends. But since we're from the same hometown, we thought we have something in common to share about. And I did make her understand that I am not interested in having girlfriend. However, I think her feelings for me grow each day. Right during the final year of our university life, she confessed to me saying that she actually liked me. I thought she only liked me. So I just said 'Thank you! That's very kind!" I later found out that she liked me as in want to have more than just friend with me. Then that's it. Our relationship turned from best friend to be come a not-so-good friend anymore. Not that we hate each other. But obviously, I hurt her (unintentionally) and she couldn't be that friend to me as she used to be.

After my university life, there this choir member also confessed to me saying that she likes me after working with me on a presentation (on a musical appreciation). She confessed to me through sms. I was not so surprised as I heard rumours about her admiring me earlier. But then I have to replied that I am not ready for any relationship.

If only a man would say :"I love you!" to me... Sigh...

Sometimes I really wonder, if I were to be straight, I would've had a girlfriend by now. And I will not be worrying what I am worrying now - coming out of closet, looking for the mr. right, what will others think, how it will affect my family... I can't think too much on those things.

To all those kind ladies that has secretly or daringly loved me for who I am, I thank you. But sorry, I can't love you back as how you love me. I pray that you will find someone better, who will love you, and bring happiness to you.

Sorry ladies! Thanks for the loving, but I am not the one for you...

I am thankful, for I know I was loved.

Nervous Breakdown

I was late for work today. Thanks to my midnight pee last night that I managed to post an entry before I continue my sleep. Anyway, I got into the office, switched on my computer, open my Mozilla Firefox and go to www.thestar.com.my. Yes, I need to read some news. Ain't gonna be that stupid ignorant fella who knows nothing about what happened in the world.

Why aren't you sleep tonight?

Guess what I found - Taiwan’s A-Mei recovering from nervous breakdown.

Boy oh boy! Another diva suffered from nervous breakdown again. I remember few years back, my favourite super diva, Mariah Carey had suffered from nervous breakdown too before her new mega hit movie Glitter hit the wide screen. I still remember it happened during my first year in university. Gosh, it reminds me of the two songs from the movie - 'Lead The Way' and 'Never Too Far'. If you're a Mariah's fan, I strongly recommend this two songs. If you're not, then up to you whether you want to listen or not. :p

Well, I don't really understand why they would suffer from nervous breakdown. To me their life seems ok to me. Anyway, we don't really know what happened to them. Maybe they were really going through a very difficult time. However, they somehow will get through it since they have all the necessary help or aids readily available for them. Go to a rehab, hospital, meet psychologist, psychiatrist etc... They will eventually be fine.

Looking back when I was having my depression, I really have no where to turn to. I didn't really locked myself in the room for three days like Amei did. But I really try not to get out of the room except for lunch and dinner. Yeah I skipped my breakfast. I normally slept till very late during that time fearing to wake up and need to face the world. Cried myself to sleep and waking up feeling exhausted. And yeah, depression did degraded my health, mentally and physically!

I'm gonna get through this!

I could hardly get anyone to talk to and getting to meet shrinks suddenly seemed very difficult that time. Maybe I didn't like the idea of meeting a shrink. But I remember at one point I was dying to meet one so I could blah out whatever things I have been keeping within myself. And no. There's no one.

Anyway, I got through it now. Through my faith and family supports. Yeah mom somehow noticed my weird behaviour and I confessed my worries and fears to her. And soon the news break to my whole family and I still remember I got a hug from my elder sister. Awww.... she's so sweet. Love her so much! Family is so important!

Look, they're all coming to give me hugs! How sweet!

Having said that, I hope Amei will recover soon. And I pray very sincerely that none of you will suffer from nervous breakdown nor depression. May you all be blessed with hopes, joys and happiness.

Midnight Pee & Insomnia

It's now 2:39am early in the morning. I woke up having the urge to go pee. Perhaps I drank too milk before I went to bed. Yeah I drank two cups of fresh cold milk. And after going to the toilet, I don't feel like going to sleep anymore. Insomnia?

Is it because I have had enough rest during the weekend? Or is it because I am too stressed up to welcome the Monday? I don't know. I really haven't been having quality sleep these days. I guess I really need to take that pill again. Not sleeping pill! It's ZEMAX.

It's supposed to help produce testosterone and cells recovery after a hard gym session. But I found out that it helps me to sleep well too. Perhaps it has some ingredients of the sleeping pill? I don't know. But I know that it does help me to get into sleep and wake up tomorrow feeling refreshed and re-energized. Side effects? It does make you feeling thirsty and you always want to drink water to quench your thirst. I think it's good though to drink more water!

Alright, I really need to get myself into the bed and sleep.

Put me in your arms and sleep with me tonight...

Seduction vs Bent

I was wandering in Plaza Low Yat on Friday during lunch time and I went into a DVDs shop trying to see if there is any nice movie that will catch my attention. Not that I am gonna buy those DVDs, but I can see what I wanted to watch and download them from the internet. Yeah I am an unashamed pirate! I needed to save some money!

Anyway after watching that 'Seducing Mr. Perfect', I thought I could try and see if there's any other same genre of movie for my enjoyment. I went to the Korean movie section and browse through the DVDs. Oh I saw the 'Seducing Mr. Perfect' DVD. Gosh, Daniel Henney is so adorable on the DVD cover. Enough! I need to look for some other movie for the weekend.

And guess what I found - The Art of Seduction!



Catchy title, gorgeous hunk and a adorable cute lady on the front cover! Yes that's definitely a movie I want to watch! Without much hesitation, I saved the title in the brain memory. And the first thing I got home from work that Friday is to download the movie. Wahahaha...

Amazingly, it took only around one day for me to finish download the movie. So last night, after my gym session, after having dinner with family, I got home and enjoy the movie while hugging my favourite pillow. I must say I really have fun watching it! The movie is so funny that I have to keep on laughing out loud. My parents must have thought I was crazy. I don't really care anyway. Not that I am laughing at myself in the mirror or what, then they should start worry about me. Hahaha...

Anyway, back to the movie. It's just about this two person, a hunk and a cute babe, who has been seducing opposite sex for fun and then dump then for good. They ended up trying to seduce each other and trying to unleash each other's weaknesses or uncovered each otherss' tricks. Hell it is funny! Even though the actor is not as hunky as Daniel Henney, he is funny and cute though. And the girl, cute and funny lady. It's funny to see them pretending and trying to cover their own disguises.

And today afternoon, I managed to watch another depressing movie. Yes very depressing. The movie is Bent.

"I will keep you safe and warm!"

I do not really know why I suddenly have the 'mood' to watch such movie. Normally I wouldn't watch that kind of movie fearing that I would drown back into the deep valley of depression. But I start to watch anyway. Mostly because I want to see how good my sexy Clive Owen was in the movie. And fuck, he's good!

It was about during the anti-homosexuality era, where all the queers need to hide their true identity and how they survive. Sad sad sad. Depressing! What really caught my attention was the part where the two men Clive Owen and another don't-know-what-name stainding under the sun having sex without touching each other! Gosh, I was totally aroused by just listening to them talking to each other! It was fucking good! I tell you, fucking GOOD!

"Can you feel me? Feel me!"

Anyway, It's sad to see that at the end, Clive Owen electrocuted himself to death. Why is being gay so disheartening? It is a good movie anyway.

What's wrong of being gay?

Sigh, tomorrow is Monday... What more can I say?! Better hit the sack before I have myself pancing ikan (dozing off) again in the office tomorrow.

Oops, I did it again!

Talk about me being naughty and hamsap, yes I can be a real pervert! Thanks to my moral education and good supervision and guidance from my parents since young, I managed to learn to control myself well enough to not causing any big problem.

But sometime I am wild enough to do something that is shockingly crazy and daring. Like capturing the photos of my crush in the KTM train. And yeah baby, I was not taking only one shot, but a few shots! No not a few, many shots!

And today, while waiting for the monorail, I saw this three beautiful foreigners there waiting for the train too. And yes, they are HOT! Oh, at that point of time, I am gonna make full use of my new cellphone.

So the following are what I got:

Three hunky musketeers?!

Oh so firm!!

That muscular thighs... My imagination went wild!

And things never end here. While on my way to the gym, I saw the following 'couple'.

Green and red! Reminds me of... apple!

"So where shall we go, darling?"

Oh so many eye-candies today. And I love my phone. And yes, I am a pervert! And obviously an unashamed horny wild stalker! Call me names, as if I care! :p

Hunk. Suit. Tie. Perfect!

This has got me saying out loud "OH MY GOSH!!!"

Just in case you still don't know, I love man in suit and tie. They give me the impression of being intelligent, elegant and classy.

And look at the following, they just took my breath away...

Classic!

Detective Chris?!

That look!

Intelligent!

Oh and this one, oh you have no idea! I can stare at it whole day long!

Those arms! Arrgghh... I wanna bite!

Look! He is so f**king sexy even with his clothes on. Damn! How does such beautiful creature be created?

Oh by the way, Doc Paul! You need to give it up, for that boy is mine! :p Hahaha...

I feel good

I have been busy these days. And I feel good. Even though it was tiring, I was being productive. It is so much better than sitting in my stupid uncomfortable chair staring at the somewhat unattractive old monitor screen while my mind was somewhere else. Maybe like fantasizing having tea break at Starbuck with Daniel Henney, or showering with Chris Evans (oh I am so f**king obsessed with the steam rising up from his body!), or being in the arms of the Jude Law and feeling his every breath behind me, or being at the beach surrounded by hunky studs...

I don't mind helping to apply sun block on their chest...

But no! Now I am busy. Lots of management things to be done. Implementation plan, designing and drafting of network diagram, draft a quotation, and receiving customers' endless calls and provide them with effective solutions... Wow... being able to do all that makes me feel good. Yeah, I feel good!

Busy! Busy! Busy! Run for your life!

No matter how tiring it is, I am happy with what I am doing and I enjoy doing it. Guess that's good! There are obstacles, felt stressed-up, put lotsa efforts, problem solved. Satisfaction gained!

Not sure how to put such feelings into words, but that's how I feel about my life now.

Now who's gonna give me a massage
after a tiring day?

Songs in my life

I have been having hard time to think about what to post in this blog these days. And that working life has really taken away all my energy to think about what to post. What I needed was a good rest and perhaps some privacy and my own space.

Trying to think what to post is another 'tiring job' to do. So I don't force myself. But knowing that I need to update this blog from time to time (and forcing myself to write English to improve my English), I have to think of something to write. So what I did is I'll think of the topic of what to write during lunch time, and start typing at home. So I don't have to think too much after work.

So today what I thought are to list out some songs that means something to me in my life. Let's start we three songs. Three is believed to be a luck number for Chinese. It means life. Lazy to explain. :p

Oh, ryan! So what's your favourite songs?

1) Through the rain - Mariah Carey
- It was during my depression that this songs come into existence. Great! Mariah must have predicted I will have a very hard time in that particular period of my life. Yeah, I sang it like a crazy maniac in my hostel room last time. I still remember after my final paper in my final semester, I got home. And it was raining. And I fucking stood at the front yard and sang the song out loud! Luckily nobody heard that. Because the rain was too heavy! But that song really get me through the rain.

2) Hang on in there baby - Gary Barlow
- OK. This is kind of crazy and embarrassing, but screw it. This is the first song which aroused me each time I listen to it. I think it is because of the lyrics :" Hang on in there baby! Please don't let me down... please don't destroy... this new joy we've found" or another phrase "Oh... right there right there... baby don't you move it anywhere!" or "Don't be afraid.... sweet virgin of the world..." Gosh, so fucking stimulating! I still remember masturbating with that song playing out loud in my room, fantasizing hot steamy sex... I was such a pervert! And still am.

Oh right there, right there! That bulge... Oh!

3) 矜持 (Restrained) - Faye Wong
- Love Faye Wong so much. She can really sing! This song started with her singing acapella. No other music instrument. Only her pure voice. I forgot when was the first time I listen to the song. But I remember listened to it over and over again using my walkman last time before I sleep. Lyric is romantic and touching!

"我从来不曾抗拒你的魅力，虽然你从来不曾对我着迷..."
(I have never resisted your charm, even though you have never been falling for me ...)

Always make me fantasizing about the man I love yet I have to refrain myself from falling in love... Damned! It reminds me of the crush... sigh...

That's the three songs for the moment. Will write more about songs that are special to me another time.

"Hang on in there baby... "

My gay life has been boring these days. Nothing much to talk about. So no updates for the moment. And now I realized even sitting in the office staring at the computer can be tiring. I just don't have the energy to think of anything to talk about. I just wanna rest. Perhaps I should read my book. A few more chapters and I am done with 'The spot of bother'!

Thanks for dropping by though. :-D

No touching!

I don't know if other people have this fear that I am having, but I always trying to avoid being close to other people in public. Even walking on the street, if I see there is a person walking towards my direction, I would try to walk away and make sure that there are a big space between us.

The situation was even worse when I was having my depression. I would be very frustrated when I walked on the crowded street fearing that I might have accidentally touched somebody especially female and they would accuse me of trying to harass them in public. Yeah, I was a paranoid! Not to mention in the LRT or KTM. If the train was crowded, I would not get on board because skin-to-skin contact is unavoidable.

Well, there are a few reasons why I was trying to keep my distance from others. First and foremost is that I always think that I am more hygienic. And that the other people will have bacterias and germs that would have transferred to me (whether on my shirts, arms or whichever body parts of mine that might have come to contact with other people). And I'd feel very "yucks!" about it each time I think about it. Besides that, the 'holder' provided in the train seems to be very dirty too. Especially during after working hours, when all the people have their hands full of sweat, bacterias and germs. And I have to squeeze with them in the train. The sweat, the smell... Yucks! Gosh, someone help me please!

Will you take a shower with me?!

Another reason would be... trying to avoid harassing people or being harassed. Ahahaha... I know this sound crazy but sometimes when they are people too close around me, especially female, I would be very anxious. I scared that I might be accidentally touch the wrong things. You knows girls nowadays could be really scary. They might just yell! Gosh, that would be a scene I definitely trying to avoid! Imagine being in the crowded train, I would choose somewhere around guys. Ain't gonna have a female boobs or butts being pressed against any part of my body! No way!

I don't mind being squeezed with hunky stud. Better still if my crush were there and our body were pressed against each other... chest to chest, abs to abs, thighs to thighs... And we couldn't help but to look at each other... and we kissed... OK!OK! Sorry, my imagination is playing its tricks again.

Hey you! What are you waiting for?!

Anyway, sometime even being squeezed with some guys also not that comfortable. Some guys are just so unhygienic. And some of them could really sweat as if they were just caught in the rain. And the smell... gosh! *fainted*

So, I think I really need to buy a car so I don't need to squeezed in the train. Sigh... no money no talk!